Nuclear War Negotiator Gets DUI

In what most people would assume to be a plot twist in a Team America reboot international feud de-escalating Dennis Rodman recently received a DUI in Newport Beach, California. Celebrities who look like they’re able to pass an HIV test typically fail field sobriety tests. I would expect better from an ex-NBA player who has managed to stay semi-relevant for so long for all of the oddest reasons. Drunk driving is way beneath Rodman at this point. I was expecting something more scandalous like a treason charge the next time his name came up in the news.

Rodman has a lengthy history of legal issues stemming from the use of alcohol. He was arrested for drunken driving in 1999 and 2004. He has twice entered a rehabilitation center for alcohol use and appeared on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Publicly, Rodman has maintained he does not excessively drink alcohol.

Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief as long as Rodman’s biggest problem is only alcoholism. Right after rehab he should be able to resume his rightful place on the frontlines as the World Police’s most valuable member. Dennis has been an awe inspiring spectacle his entire life. He’s a professional sports hero who still parties hard past the age of 50. While clearly in the closet he still managed to slip not only Madonna’s but also Carmen Electra’s panties off around the peak of their prime. Although Madonna almost doesn’t count because she was letting just about everyone into the private party hosted in her pants. Then he somehow befriended the leader of North Korea. A DUI is pretty tame for someone so eccentric.

Photo Credit: Instagram / Pacific Coast News