Samantha Bee Reminds Us That Men Are Basically Rapists in Poor Disguise

Samantha Bee took a strong stand among her one-hundred percent lock-step audience by denouncing the people denouncing the chick who wrote an op-ed piece calling Aziz Ansari a sexual “misconduct” kind of guy for not reading her unspoken cues during sex after a dinner date. Some people felt that Ansari shouldn’t be smeared with the broad brush of “raping fiend” for asking his date if he could put his dick in her vagina after it had been in her mouth. He clearly missed the subtext signals she was sending out by only blowing him with half-enthusiasm.

Bee, the less drunk Chelsea Handler that basic cable demanded, seemed especially peeved that so many people were willing to un-#MeToo Ansari, as opposed to insisting that we gave the short brown guy a shot, but he’s a rapist, so, bye-bye for forever. Burn your bras and use them to torch the world feminists don’t like things that don’t involve destruction of the opposing gender. It’s very Jim Crow South kind of thinking, with minorities jumbled up a bit.

Bee insists that Ansari is guilty of being a fake feminist and merely like the rest of men, rapists in poor disguise. She’s probably right about the first part. Dude’s wearing Time’s Up Pins and marching in women’s marches are immediately suspect as perverts, con artists, or financial subs to heavyset aggressive women.

People like me had to wade through a sea of prehensile dicks to build the world we know and enjoy. And part of enjoying that world is setting a higher standard for sex than just not rape. And women get to talk about if men don’t live up to those standards. Especially if that man wrote a book about how to sex good. What many fail to understand is it doesn’t have to be rape to ruin your life, and it doesn’t have to ruin your life to be worth speaking out about. Any kind of harassment or coercion is unacceptable. Men: if you say you’re a feminist, then fuck like a feminist.

That last matriarchal line has caught on among women online looking to swap in hashtags for actual accomplishment. Though nobody could explain to you what fucking like a feminist actually means. Assume it’s not donkey punches. It likely means, make me happy or you’re a rapist about whom I’m going to write an op-ed in a feminist blog retweeted by Samantha Bee, Lena Dunham, and Jessica Chastain. So you, boy, are toast.

The reason men press for sex need no explanation for people who can sit through a single biology class without screaming misogyny. The reason men are clumsy at sex in regard to women is that they largely have no clue what they’re doing and their partners are unwilling to speak up and tell them. Most men are not rapists. They are pleasers when they actually get some. In the absence of IKEA like directions, men become confused and grunt one out. If you’re now insisting they pick up on silent pantomimes of complex emotions expressed through eyebrow curls, they’re simply going to look elsewhere. Especially when the cost of a misread is total professional destruction.