We just received breaking news that the Winter Olympics are still a thing and that in record time this year’s event is already tragic stupid and boring. Today marked the opening ceremony of the PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics on the other side of the globe in South Korea, and we’re now destined for two weeks of terrible sports that no one cares about. Or three weeks. Or one. Nobody knows.
Those up at 6:00 a.m. this morning were able to stream the opening ceremony live, and tonight’s stateside edited broadcast will be at 8:00 p.m. ET. Be sure to watch out for footage of a stadium full of douchebags punctuated by rags to riches stories and fun facts about the host city shared through playful banter between announcers Katie Couric and Mike Tirico. “Now did you hear this Mike, they eat dogs in South Korea and it’s called ‘gaegogi.'” “Yum Katie, I wonder if they call it Gaegogi Style, like the song.” “Oh Mike you’re so funny, fuck me right here.”
Up until this morning’s opening ceremony, the biggest news to come out of the 2018 Winter Olympics was the fact that North Korea was going to allow a chain gang of work prisoners to represent their country poorly in various sports. Though when the alternative to winning is getting tortured and killed, you might have a little extra pep in your step. But this is all old news as of now, because during the opening ceremony, team USA – decked out like 2002 frat boys ready for a ski weekend in Gatlinburg, TN. Who stopped by a gas station parking lot to buy novelty fringe Cherokee gloves out of someone’s trunk – stormed onto the field to the song Gangnam Style by Psy – the most successful song to come out of South Korea.
Unless an orgy sex tape leaks from the Olympics HPVillage or North Korea blows up everyone I won’t be covering the Winter Olympics again because I can’t have that kind of liability on my résumé. Sorry if this was too negative, I just don’t like things that are tragic stupid and boring.