My co-workers and I just had a rousing conversation hypothesizing what could be going on in Jennifer Lawrence’s head right now, because she’s obviously on the cusp of a mental breakdown, and we settled on either tail-end-of-America’s-sweetheart-status syndrome or Adderall. Or of course both. The twenty-seven-year-old is hitching herself to the Timotheé Chalamet bandwagon by describing having sex with him in terms only someone buzzing from potentially lethal doses of amphetamines could. Or someone who’s stage ten desperate. Or both. Chalament is the talk of the town in Hollywood after playing a seventeen-year-old that sex with a peach that Armie Hammer’s character ate in Call Me By Your Name, because literally nothing says “edgy indie darling” like a jizz peach. Here’s how Lawrence tried to make herself relevant while rolling in front of Entertainment Tonight:
I didn’t realize he was so young. Timothee, I’m waiting for him to get a little bit older, you know? [I’m] buttering him up like a pig for slaughter, and then I’m going to swing right in there as soon as he’s, like, 30. Just tell him to wait! So, so talented. He’s old enough to say that, right? He’s over 18? What if I was like, ‘He’s hot!’ and he’s 15?
First off, everyone in the world makes that joke. Every time a new CW series debuts an overweight steno pool gal somewhere says: “Omg am I so bad for thinking (insert douche name) is hot? He’s legal in real life but he plays a high schooler! And looks so young! Omg I’m so bad aren’t I?” No Martha, you’re a fucking moron. And he only looks young in contrast to the ball of skin tags you see staring back at you in the mirror.
I digress. Lawrence has graduated from adorably tripping on stage to annoyingly and hypocritically describing her naked self eating on set in front of a bunch of disinterested crew members, and now she’s shamelessly name dropping people younger than herself to seem with it. Katy Perry has pretty much ruined the idea of the celebrity reinvention for the rest of time, but there’s something to be said for an actress knowing when to let go of her America’s sweetheart / up-and-coming-ingénue identity and start talking and acting like a human adult. You know those high school graduates that still attend home games because they can’t face the fact that they’ve entered adulthood? Well Lawrence wants to fuck them but only if they look 15.
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