Whatever you do in life please do not think that Alexandra Daddario’s DD rack looked motorboat-able in her Time’s Up finest at the 2018 Golden Globes. That would be seriously messed up and would set us back four-thousand-years. But while you’re at it, please also make sure to look at the dick bulges of male Olympic athletes in skin-tight outfits! You get a dick bulge and you get a dick bulge and you get a dick bulge. Dick bulges for everyone.
Due to the porn-ish looking outfits that the men’s luge competitors sported at the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games, as well as the unforgiving camera angles featured in NBC’s coverage of the sport, the Internet erupted over the outlines of penises and balls visible on prime time. In fact a writer for the Lena Dunham of websites, Buzzfeed, even posted the article “11 Men’s Luge Bulges That All Deserve Gold Medals.” The whory single forty-something secretary of websites, Cosmopolitan, declared “These Photos of The Olympic Men’s Luge Competition Are… Spectacular.”
So. Hm. I don’t necessarily believe in reverse sexism because I think if a man can’t take it then he has a vagina anyway, but the irony of zooming in on men’s baby batter basters without their explicit consent at a time when looking at a woman’s name badge means you want to stab her in the ovaries with a serrated blade is not lost on me. I think the outfits look ridiculous and that watching men’s luge with your kids will save you from having to explain the birds and the bees, but I can’t help but wonder what the reaction would be if someone wrote up “11 Women’s Speed Skating Camel Toes That All Deserve Gold Medals.” I’d venture to find out with my own article but I’m pretty sure I’d get murdered by about ten-thousand people at once. Right after they finished exploding all over their screens to these bulges. Life’s confusing.
Me yesterday: “Wait so like what is ‘luge’ anyway?”
Me today, sobbing: “Luge is probably the most important thing in my life after water and air.” pic.twitter.com/jSFohvTNno
— Tim Federle (@TimFederle) February 10, 2018
Photo Credit: Getty Images