Bella Thorne In My Side usually looks like she’s been tarred and feathered with jizz and glitter. But recently we saw her not looking like HPV personified, and while after that she suffered a relapse, now she’s once again looking not horrifying. And she’s in a real magazine no less. As real as Shape is. This is quite a bit to wrap our heads around, and I can’t possibly imagine what project Thorne could be working on that would land her a magazine cover. Vagasil spokeswoman? Winner of the Preferred Actress Of Meth Users Award?
The title of the real think piece is “The Surprising Reason Bella Thorne Prefers Weights Over Cardio” and while the four people who read Shape Magazine are sure to glean some hot tips from Thorne, the piece neglects to mention the weight loss benefits of being a crack whore. Allegedly. That’s how the celebrities do it. As with Thorne’s relative attractiveness in her manic twirling video, in this Shape spread she doesn’t look like she was peeled off the underside of a Waffle House counter, and it’s leaving my junk confused. And after reading the interview, it’s obvious that she doesn’t have any brain cells left, which kind of makes me like her even more:
I’m lucky that I have one of those brains that always allows me to take more on. But while it makes for a great work ethic, it gets me in trouble. When I’m overtired, my psoriasis and acne are bad, I get migraines and sore eyes, I forget my lines, and my hands shake a lot. Those are tells that I need some sleep. I’m not a believer in sleeping pills, so I need to start mentally winding down earlier so I can calm and ease my mind.
Wonder what in the world could be keeping her up. What. Could. Adderall. It. Be. She also speaks out on her “proudest accomplishment.” You’ll never guess what it is:
Although I’m insecure about my education, I’m generally confident about my body. Still, sometimes I wake up and don’t like what I see, so I take a moment and try to get back to happy Bella by remembering where I came from: I grew up in a bikini on the beach, and I’m comfortable in my skin. In fact, one of my proudest accomplishments was taking nude photos for a magazine recently.
You kind of have to hand it to Thorne for not packaging her life of prostitution as a progressive milestone for women (related: head here to read about Jennifer Lawrence) and the fact that she realizes that all she has to offer the world is her body is almost… commendable? Fuck, I can’t head into the weekend respecting Bella Thorne.
Photo Credit: Shape and Instagram