Chris Randone is only important because we, as a society, have deemed anyone with a blue checkmark on social media to be a person of importance. And this extremely important person from the Bachelor In Paradise series has done men everywhere a favor by demystifying the coveted enigmatic female orgasm in a blog post. Apparently it’s important to make sure that she orgasms as well. Getting her flowers and dinner is no longer enough. You must make sure you get her off too. And here I thought sex has always been about attempting to beat your personal best record of how fast you can get her pants off and then get her out the door. Unsurprisingly, Chris’ Buzzfeed-like blog post on the secrets of making a woman squirt posted on Medium was laughed off the internet. Possibly because his essay was like reading an instruction manual from incel messiah Elliot Rodger on how to get hot girls to notice you. Nothing but bad advice.
A valiant gentleman has taken to the internet to help women have more orgasms, and that man is one of the “Bachelor” franchise’s most talked-about contestants. Because who could possibly be better qualified to mansplain female pleasure to the masses than someone who spent weeks looking for love on reality television? After a handful of members of Bachelor Nation discovered the article and began mocking it mercilessly, the article was deleted.
He explained to HuffPost that he wrote it “because I don’t believe in just having sex. I’ve always seen many guys just want to have sex with women. To me, sex is a deep emotional experience and in that experience, it’s important to have a vested interest in your partner with wanting them to feel good. Not caring about your partner is selfish and unemotional. Intimacy is a shared experience that’s full of energy, frequency, and privacy.”
The fatal flaw of the orgasm manifesto is elementary. In a 642-word article about giving women orgasms, Randone never once mentions the only word that really matters in this area: “clitoris.”
Despite the fact that the headline of the piece promises to reveal “the path to an orgasm,” the article itself gives very little concrete advice. Randone does not mention cunnilingus or the judicious use of sex toys, nor does he emphasize the rarity of female orgasms during penetrative intercourse.
The secret to female orgasm is not cunnilingus, but currency. Have you seen a cam girl’s “O” face after a large donation? Those are real. If scientist still can’t figure out if the liquid projecting from a vagina after being vigorously penetrated is pee or not, what makes you think some tool on TV has it figured out. If any guy is confused about how to properly satisfy a woman, he should do what every guy before him has done to learn, watch porn. Life hack: missionary is only for your mom and dad, god-fearing Christian couples, and for convenience when the only place available is the backseat of a car. The minimum to reach a real climax these days often requires a rear naked choke position in your repertoire and a similar stamina of the starlets who managed to outrun a very livid Weinstein in his townhouse after refusing the opportunity to watch him shower.
Photo Credit: Google / Huffington Post