Well I wasn’t going to cover the fake Gloden Blowjob Awards past Chrissy Metz calling Alison Brie a bitch, but then Timothée Chalamet walked into my life. I just can’t quit you Tim. Everyone’s favorite sassy starlet on the rise hit the gene pool jackpot, and the rest of us men should pray for nothing less than Chalamet getting acid thrown on his face, or at least going prematurely bald, because by comparison he really does make us look like shit. Next to Chalamet my face looks like Tara Reid’s stomach. And yours does too. These are just the facts.
Anyway Chalamet has reached whatever level of delusion you arrive at when half of Hollywood insiders have their heads shoved up your twat. This delusion led Chalamet – who’s currently dating Johnny Depp’s daughter Lily Rose-Depp – to wear a sparkly unidentifiable piece of clothing on the Golden Blowjobs red carpet. It’s not quite a harness. Not quite a vest. Not quite a parachute. It’s a fuck you to ugly people. Constrained by ugly people clothes. Well you know what. Fuck you Timothée Chalamet. May the beer bottle Johnny Depp inevitably drunkenly hurls at your face do some serious damage. JK call me by your name.
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