Mr. Skin For A Lifetime, It's Ninety-Nine Bucks, That Seems Sweet

I'm not sure what happens when you die, but presumably unless you're famous, they're never going to notice. You can pass this shit onto your children and grandchildren on down the line. In 2237, some perfected version of you can be checking out naked celebrity chicks off that same ninety-nine bucks. Now that's a bargain.read more

Kelly Osbourne Burns Her Dad's Hairdresser

When you desperately need to be in the news, you can't go wrong with outing the hair dresser who let your dad rub his flaccid cock up against her smock after a blow out.read more

Josie Canseco Is Virtually Naked In Playboy And Shit Around The Web

Josie Canseco is the extreme hottie that somehow came out of Jose Canseco's ball sack. She did some sexy shots for Playboy. Not naked, because Playboy is lame now, but still sexy.read more

Nicki Minaj Is a Beast

Nicki Minaj has received two nominations for the Teen Choice Awards. Neither of them had to do with wanting to lose your virginity in her ginormous fake ass. Let's just assume girls make up the bulk of the online voting. Minaj celebrated by posting pictures to Instagram of her exaggerated cartoon fuck toy body in lingerie.read more

Erika Jordan Red Bikini For Red Nose Day

I hate when people start celebrating Red Nose Day early. Red Nose Day is May 26, a day designated to celebrate a photo of a white guy hugged by half a dozen starving African kids. Not an entire week like the manner in which we honor God or public school teachers.read more

Tamar Braxton Too Ghetto

Tamar Braxton was booted from her co-hosting gig on the daytime talk show The Real for coming up "too ghetto" in show sponsor run focus test groups. Braxton, the fourth to fifth most successful Braxton singing sister, had been a mainstay on the show since its launch three years ago. The Real is "real talk" for women in the afternoons, meaning multiracial D-list celebrities bickering loudly about shit they saw on...read more

Britt Maren Almost Naked Free Person

Free People is the 'Bohemian' sub-brand for Urban Outfitters. It's unclear what is meant by Bohemian in the context of mass produced and transshipped factory garments. The t-shirts are eighty bucks and lack the imperfections of homemade tie-dye. The dresses are crocheted by an army of tiny Cantonese girls spinning on a hamster wheel.read more

Get Ready For The Cosby Trial

There's something about being charged with a serious crime that really pronounces your physical ailments. Suge Knight went from being a robust ex-linebacker to Weekend at Bernie's. Bill Cosby is apparently now blind and had to be led away from his court appearance by the arm of another man. That's somewhat emasculating but so is being sodomized in prison to the tune of Build Me Up Buttercup. Murderers seem oddly...read more

Charlie Sheen Moving To Mexico

Charlie Sheen got the full LA experience, starring in movies and TV shows, doing drugs, banging porn stars, and ultimately contracting HIV. You can't do it any better. Except for the HIV. He is now moving to Mexico to live the quiet life. It also happens to be a tax shelter and not impose any child support laws, go figure.read more

Ariana Grande Selling Sex (VIDEO)

Ariana Grande's new album is chock full of songs about wanting to be touched and fucked and feel like a woman. I'm not sure she needs a whole album to make that happen. I know a bar. These are the musings of a young woman who grew up on a TV set and didn't get the chance to be recklessly slutty during high school or college.read more

Bella Hadid Bikinis By A Pool And Shit Around The Web

Bella Hadid is one half of my dream sister threeway fantasy. I'd give her and her sister Gigi the best three and a half minutes of their lives. The last two minutes would be me leaving behind my I'm Sorry I Gave You Gonorrhea pre-printed cards. Never hand them out first.read more

Anne Hathaway Cried at the Gym

Tales of crying at the gym are the female equivalent of men happening to bring up high school sports stories in their primal drum circles. Largely invented myths that bond the genders. If you're a celebrity trying to recast your public persona and never cried at the gym, your press agent will set you up with a decent ringer.read more

Kourtney Kardashian Getting Kind of Old For This Shit

A thirty-seven year old mom of three fronting a Vegas nightclub in a leather bra isn't necessarily depressing. Not when she's taking home $50,000 for her troubles. More cringe worthy when she's pocketing three hundred bucks and a subjugating fingering from the club owner. Money makes the difference.read more

Not Your Father's Forever 21

Forever 21 is famous for ripping off fashion designers and producing their same trending crap at cheap prices for girls who imagine themselves Zooey Deschanel. They're also known for their born-again Christian immigrant owners who turned discount fashion into a four billion dollar personal net worth.read more

A Tiny Fraction of Frozen Fans Demand a Lesbo Elsa

The Internet age has turned every news outlet into Star magazine. Space Aliens Fucking Michelle Obama or Frozen Fans Demand Elsa Get a Girlfriend. It's all the same level of veracity. People magazine and Entertainment Weekly and MTV carried the torch for a story about how Frozen fans are demanding that Elsa the princess from Frozen identify as a lesbian in the planned sequel.read more