Britney Spears Ass View (VIDEO)

The only thing creepier than having a dude sneak up on a woman at a gym and film her ass crack is for that same woman to order her intern to do the same. The Jason Voorhees eye view is quite becoming a lady.

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Kim Kardashian Still Fucking With Taylor Swift (VIDEO)

Nobody fucks with Taylor Swift. Kim Kardashian fucks with everybody. This is the battle earth has been waiting for since Xenu launched his first volcano burial business.

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Amber Heard And Elon Musk Possibly Boning

Amber Heard is reportedly sucking Elon Musk's cock. Musk is a bonafide genius. Any media outlet with financial stake in Tesla will gladly tell you in 3,000 words. He's probably super smart. Yet marketing and super genius rarely go together. People steal the latter's ideas. Hence Tesla didn't have a Campbell's Soup campaign and probably died wearing those weird fingerless gloves.

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Iggy Azalea Bum Rush

The fact Iggy Azalea thinks this is a flattering picture speaks to a harsh truth: People are fucking garbage. She's into body modification possibly as a response to a documented rape she is on the record as having enjoyed. You don't hear that much. It's not refreshing. This chick should have turned up in a dumpster.

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Lisa Bonet Comes Out of Sex Scene Retirement (The Mr. Skin Minute Video)

Who knows shit like Lisa Bonet hasn't been naked on camera in twenty-two years? Mr. Skin does. He knows that cold like you know Bulgarian Olympic weight lifting records. Everybody's got their thing. His is cooler than yours. Bonet's taking it from behind on Ray Donovan on Showtime. The show does pretty well for itself. If you renamed it to Lisa Bonet Takes It From Behind, it would do even better.

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Can Katy Perry's Shitty New Song Save the Shitty Summer Olympics? (VIDEO)

NBC has tapped Katy Perry's new familiar sounding single, Rise, as the official anthem of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio. That means Universal footed the bill for the studio time to translate inspiring Amazing Race riffs into a pop song about overcoming obstacles, like masked gunmen or Zika you'd have to think. Metaphors are for cowards.

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Gay Sulu Continues to Confuse

Star Trek Beyond is a snooze fest with endless MacGyver discussions about how to jimmy up a communicator or an impulse engine. If you're keeping cinematic reboot LGBT score, Sulu's got a husband in this one.

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Charli XCX Ass Show And Shit Around The Web

Every time there's a story on Charli XCX, I consider looking up who the fuck she is. Then I stare at her ass for a while and assume she'll be gone before I ever get around to reading. I may be right, I may be wrong, but I manage my time well.

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Alan Cumming Demands Non Dairy Options at Dairy Queen

It's an inherent dare not to make cum jokes in a story about Alan Cumming and Dairy Queen. The forever animated movie villain penned a letter to the Dairy Queen CEO asking that the ice cream store chain offer non-dairy options. For the lactose intolerant and those wishing to keep Botswana from getting even hotter. This should get about as far as my Change.org petition to make the Logo channel show less man-ass.

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Khloe Kardashian Fucking Odell Beckham Jr. Up

Odell Beckham Jr. is the latest victim of a Kardashian daughter publicity campaign. Beckham was photographed over Memorial Day weekend at Drake's house party with Khloe Kardashian squirming between his legs. You can't claim you didn't know she was there. Larger footprint mammals are incapable of sneak attack.

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Victoria's Secret Tits and Lies

A Victoria's Secret whistleblower blew the lid off the lingerie manufacturer with an anonymous interview revealing that the models are airbrushed to shit and padded with push up bras to make them seem more shiny and perfect. That took some bravery.

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Hugh Hefner's Wife Removes Implants

Hugh Hefner's wife Crystal suffers from lyme disease and toxic mold syndrome, which is something you probably get from making out with Hugh Hefner. To combat these ailments she had her fake tits removed. Medically speaking this seems like a dubious claim yet having foreign objects and chemicals inside you can't be helpful for anything.

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Megyn Kelly Has It Rough

Megyn Kelly wore a slightly revealing dress which Queen Elizabeth would have not approved of while covering the Republican National Convention and received a minor amount of backlash on Twitter, mostly from unattractive middle aged cat ladies. This was almost certainly a calculated move on her part.

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Josie Canseco Doing Well

It was pretty big news when Jose Canseco's daughter got naked for Playboy, especially since Playboy no longer has nude photos and it turned out they were lying. It's an honor just to be tributed by men who still can't figure out how to cancel their subscriptions.

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Irina Shayk Bikinis In Italy And Shit Around The Web

Irina Shayk may have broken up with Bradley Cooper. Imagine how sad Cooper must be as he moves seamlessly onto the next 20-something supermodel. Dudes with perms haven't done this well in a long long time.

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