Soccer Players Get the Best Tail

There used to be some debate as to which professional athletes got the hottest tail. That debate ended when everybody admitted that soccer might be boring as shit, but playing professionally essentially guarantees you a slender brunette with big tits wearing screaming your name from the wives and girlfriend section of the stands.read more

Chelsea Handler Has the Best Abortion Stories

Chelsea Handler isn't just a rarely funny comedian. Sometimes the canned laugh track is muted and she wants to seriously talk abortion. In the latest issue of Playboy magazine which used to be for men, Chelsea Handler discusses the two abortions she had in the same year of high school because one is for girls who only thought they were loose.read more

Suge Knight Sues Chris Brown

Suge Knight is a real pin cushion of bullet holes. He is suing Chris Brown and Zika ridden 1Oak from behind bars because they didn't have adequate security during a Chris Brown party where Knight was shot up for the third time that week. Security Guard rule #1, don't let Suge Knight in the building. Failing that, someone's getting shot.read more

Johnny Manziel Finds New Rock Bottom

We're going to feel bad for laughing about Johnny Manziel when he's dead in six months but in the meantime we should make hay while the sun is shining. His attorney in his hit-and-run case just accidentally texted the entire Associated Press that Manziel is unable to sober up for a court appearance.read more

Channing Tatum Cops to Rape Culture

If you must ask somebody about the societal problem of sexual assaults against women, might as well grab Channing Tatum during a press tour and force him to speak to the issue. Cosmopolitan live-streamed an interview with Tatum from Cannes where they naturally asked him about Stanford swimmer Brock Turner's light sentence for trying to go Cosby on a passed out girl behind a frat house. Tatum quite impossibly further...read more

Ariel Winter Has A Nice Butt Too And Shit Around The Web

Ariel Winter wants to be thought of as more than just a pair of tits. She's also got a really nice ass. It's amazing what a healthy dose of body shaming Twitter rants will do to a girl's selfies once she loses some weight.read more

BET Awards Flummoxed Justin Timberlake

Jesse Williams who stars on Grey's Anatomy meaning that your wife or girlfriend knows who he is but you assumed he was a forward for the Pelicans, made a pointed speech about racism during his BET trophy acceptance for being black. Though not black enough that half the crowd wasn't yellow bones shaming him under their breath.read more

Mariah Carey Feathers Blac Chyna (VIDEO)

If you've ever been to a Vegas show and buy into a spur of the moment decision by the entertainer to bring a seemingly unaware volunteer up on stage, you're being duped. On the same level as the girl you called to come dance in your room who says she needs to bring her friend along because they're sharing an Uber. Every single moment of these big budget shows are staged and timed and rehearsed. Roy knew precisely when...read more

Brexit Vote Has Unhinged the Coeds

You can never go wrong choosing political positions the opposite to heavy set college girls marching in the street. They're obviously not marching enough. Voting gaps aren't as simple as crotchety old men versus vibrant muffin top millennials. It's a gap between those working a paycheck to feed family and nation and those arranging to meet their friends at The Coffee Bean at 10am for a morning klatch. Everybody was...read more

Kanye Movie 'Famous' Features Taylor Swift Naked and Ray-J Fucking His Wife (VIDEO)

Kanye West invited his entire herpes tree to the L.A. Forum to witness the premiere of his long form music video for 'Famous'. The short film was streamed live to all eleven paid subscribers on the Tidal music service that everybody was certain had gone under last year. The eight minute movie deals head on with the insurmountable odds of surviving fame and fortune. It turns out they are only slightly higher than those...read more

Michael Jackson Obvious Pedophile

If you're still defending Michael Jackson go fuck yourself. It's okay to admit you're wrong. It's an admirable quality. Sit out Billy Jean at the wedding, this dude raped children. The police routinely frame people for various crimes and plant evidence. Yet, they don't have a ton of child porn floating around in their trunks. Do the fucking math.read more

Terry Richardson Fosters Nurture Argument

Terry Richardson is allowed to get away with being an obvious predator because he's a hipster with sideburns. Apparently a lot of chicks want to do porn yet not admit it. Here's your loophole, and we all know the truth. Do not take them to dinner unless you want to get lectured about gender equality by a chick with dried cum in her extensions.read more

BET Awards Importing Fine Slapping Ass and Shit Around the Web

L.A. strip clubs are scouring the land for the finest black booty to work the stages and rooms for the BET Awards weekend. It's like a junior version of an NBA All-Star game which still leads the world in big professional ass imports. Our nation's sports and television figureheads must be ground properly.read more

There's a Rooster Teeth Channel and They Have the Tits (Mr. Skin Minute Video)

TV content used to be the purview of a small handful of powerful media conglomerates. Now anybody with a camera and a laptop can distribute programming. Wonderful news if ignoring the lessons of YouTube giving everybody a channel. Video compression and server farms didn't cause the general population to become Vince Gilligan.read more

Snapchat Remains Vaguely Successful (VIDEO)

The lifecycle of all social media platforms is that nobody over fourteen understands them at launch, the dude who invents them makes a billion dollars and gets to fuck a supermodel, and nobody admits to themselves the entire thing is merely a new medium for commercials.read more