Amber Heard and Johnny Depp Lasted More Than a Year

Amber Heard filed for divorce from Johnny Depp. They were married for fifteen months. Enough time for nine different celebrity magazine cover stories about their fabulous love affair. Heard cited irreconcilable difference. Most notably she's a thirty year old lesbian and he's a a fifty-two year old who mumbles incoherently.read more

Kylie Jenner Slowly Killing Herself

Doctors warn that cinching your waste up like this can damage your internal organs but so can performing double penetration at age 14 with the Death Row entourage. Kylie Jenner posted a bunch of photos of her waste training regimen which entails compressing your body in order to reshape it. Say what you will about bound feet but those women most likely didn't choose to do it. If they had, they'd have denied it.read more

Amy Schumer Strikes Back

Amy Schumer spends an inordinate amount of time engaging with trolls. If she's in fact supremely secure they seem to effect her more than your average suicidal goth teen. What's lost in the whole shuffle is the fact that everyone with a social media account gets a ton of hateful comments with the volume fluctuating relative to how many followers they have, although being opinionated or not being a 9 can lead you to...read more

Mr. Skin For A Lifetime, It's Ninety-Nine Bucks, That Seems Sweet

I'm not sure what happens when you die, but presumably unless you're famous, they're never going to notice. You can pass this shit onto your children and grandchildren on down the line. In 2237, some perfected version of you can be checking out naked celebrity chicks off that same ninety-nine bucks. Now that's a bargain.read more

Kelly Osbourne Burns Her Dad's Hairdresser

When you desperately need to be in the news, you can't go wrong with outing the hair dresser who let your dad rub his flaccid cock up against her smock after a blow out.read more

Josie Canseco Is Virtually Naked In Playboy And Shit Around The Web

Josie Canseco is the extreme hottie that somehow came out of Jose Canseco's ball sack. She did some sexy shots for Playboy. Not naked, because Playboy is lame now, but still sexy.read more

Nicki Minaj Is a Beast

Nicki Minaj has received two nominations for the Teen Choice Awards. Neither of them had to do with wanting to lose your virginity in her ginormous fake ass. Let's just assume girls make up the bulk of the online voting. Minaj celebrated by posting pictures to Instagram of her exaggerated cartoon fuck toy body in lingerie.read more

Erika Jordan Red Bikini For Red Nose Day

I hate when people start celebrating Red Nose Day early. Red Nose Day is May 26, a day designated to celebrate a photo of a white guy hugged by half a dozen starving African kids. Not an entire week like the manner in which we honor God or public school teachers.read more

Tamar Braxton Too Ghetto

Tamar Braxton was booted from her co-hosting gig on the daytime talk show The Real for coming up "too ghetto" in show sponsor run focus test groups. Braxton, the fourth to fifth most successful Braxton singing sister, had been a mainstay on the show since its launch three years ago. The Real is "real talk" for women in the afternoons, meaning multiracial D-list celebrities bickering loudly about shit they saw on...read more

Britt Maren Almost Naked Free Person

Free People is the 'Bohemian' sub-brand for Urban Outfitters. It's unclear what is meant by Bohemian in the context of mass produced and transshipped factory garments. The t-shirts are eighty bucks and lack the imperfections of homemade tie-dye. The dresses are crocheted by an army of tiny Cantonese girls spinning on a hamster wheel.read more

Get Ready For The Cosby Trial

There's something about being charged with a serious crime that really pronounces your physical ailments. Suge Knight went from being a robust ex-linebacker to Weekend at Bernie's. Bill Cosby is apparently now blind and had to be led away from his court appearance by the arm of another man. That's somewhat emasculating but so is being sodomized in prison to the tune of Build Me Up Buttercup. Murderers seem oddly...read more

Charlie Sheen Moving To Mexico

Charlie Sheen got the full LA experience, starring in movies and TV shows, doing drugs, banging porn stars, and ultimately contracting HIV. You can't do it any better. Except for the HIV. He is now moving to Mexico to live the quiet life. It also happens to be a tax shelter and not impose any child support laws, go figure.read more

Ariana Grande Selling Sex (VIDEO)

Ariana Grande's new album is chock full of songs about wanting to be touched and fucked and feel like a woman. I'm not sure she needs a whole album to make that happen. I know a bar. These are the musings of a young woman who grew up on a TV set and didn't get the chance to be recklessly slutty during high school or college.read more

Bella Hadid Bikinis By A Pool And Shit Around The Web

Bella Hadid is one half of my dream sister threeway fantasy. I'd give her and her sister Gigi the best three and a half minutes of their lives. The last two minutes would be me leaving behind my I'm Sorry I Gave You Gonorrhea pre-printed cards. Never hand them out first.read more

Anne Hathaway Cried at the Gym

Tales of crying at the gym are the female equivalent of men happening to bring up high school sports stories in their primal drum circles. Largely invented myths that bond the genders. If you're a celebrity trying to recast your public persona and never cried at the gym, your press agent will set you up with a decent ringer.read more