Kim Kardashian Has an Answer For Everything

You thought Kim Kardashian shared photos of her tits and tongue because she's an attention machine whose brand of feminism calls for commercializing her gross level fuckability. You're only mostly right. Kardashian posted a ton of black and white late night Cinemax selfies from her weekend in Miami, careful to explain the real reason behind the sharing:read more

Kim Jong-un Brings Back the Ladies

Paranoia can be defined as a man so concerned with personal security that he disbands the team of attractive young escorts who suck and fuck him on command. When King Jong-un took over from pops, he eliminated the "Pleasure Squad" of largely underaged girls who served as a harem for the Great Leader. "Pleasure Squad" seems less obvious when drawn in Korean characters where it's a house with a dude with a limp dick and...read more

Sandra Kubicka in A Bikini

Miami seems like the very last place you'd want to go if you're an international model looking to get noticed. It's swarming with competition. You're from Gdansk and God gave you perfect skin and tits? Outstanding. Go stand in that line over there. No, it's like Space Mountain. It wraps. You're way back. Stop showing me your medals.read more

Mariah Carey Purple Mountains Majesty

Mariah Carey's lip-synch and girdle tour has reached South Africa. It's spreading in reverse order of your more common pandemics. The singer is making waves for demanding that the scenic backdrop for her concert performance in Cape Town be lit up in purple to honor Prince and his prescription painkiller overdose.read more

Miley Cyrus Has a Tattoo Problem

Miley Cyrus got a new tattoo. Like most super chill people into body art, she shared it with tons of exclamation points and hashtags on Instagram. Cyrus noted her new tattoo was the planet Jupiter while many of the 100,000 people who have the free time to interact with a Miley selfie noted that her tattoo planet sure looked like Saturn. The one with the rings around it. That we learned about in first grade.read more

Don't Forsake the NSFW

All the bare tits you can't see during the day because Starbucks wifi are now under the NSFW nav category. This will not only fool Juicy Juice into buying ads, but it might me into heaven when the time comes. The former being far more important.read more

Katt Williams Arrested...Again And Shit Around The Web

Tiny comedian Katt Williams was arrested again for assault in a seafood restaurant. This guy is really racking up the arrests. They should give him a frequent felon punch card.read more

Ellie Goulding in A Bikini

There's some kind of international convention that's supposed to prevent British chicks from visiting the beach. By extension it's why you don't see chicks with jugs on their head loading up drinking water in the scuba pool at Sandals. Incredibly white people at the beach makes everybody nervous. A reminder that melanoma doesn't just target the noses of elderly politicians quick to the drink. They have beaches in...read more

Hailey Baldwin Tit Cupped

Hailey Baldwin had cup therapy on her chest to heal her broken heart from her split with Justin Bieber. Numerous celebrities have taken up the ancient Chinese art of suction cup medicine because buttered coffee was making their urine stink. Sports bra mandatory days are a bitch with tit hickeys. Might I recommend some immunotherapy to go with those fake intelligence glasses? Don't think Jesus forgets the Canadians when...read more

Azealia Banks Isn't So Stupid

Azealia Banks is an angry racist and keeper of the flame of black entertainer purity. Like Bill Cosby, only after being lectured you won't wake up on a park bench with cum lining your ear canal. Banks has been tearing Beyonce a new one about her cheating hearts Lemonade album. Banks believes her far more commercially successful sister exploits derogatory black cultural memes to sell more shit to rich white people. Like...read more

People Don't Like Shia LaBeouf So Much

If you're a chick who resembles Ted Cruz, you get ten grand to fuck your unemployed boyfriend on camera. If you're a dude who resembles Shia LaBeouf, you get a fist to the face in a subway station. Mario Licato was on his way to a fine arts show as people do in New York when a random punch came flying into his left eye socket. I was so confused. I was even more confused because I got up and was like, am I crazy, or...read more

Why Is That Man Wearing Grandpa's Pants?

The new look site launches today. Please document your every single feeling and hint of emotional hurt. Take that piece of paper, fold it thrice, lightly moisten, and you know what to do next. Someday I'll have children I need to pretend to love. I'm very Iverson when it comes to practice. Check out the Lenny Letter Blog. You have options.read more

Kardashians Warming Up to Rob's Whore

Overtures of peace are being made between the Kardashians and Still Fat Rob's stripper fiancee, Blac Chyna. Pick your battles. There's an ass and tit implanted whore at the gate. Let her in or cover her in cauldrons of stewing feces. Kris Jenner is already ten moves ahead on the balance sheet. She's got a 27-slide Powerpoint detailing the revenue models from her disappointing son banging a pro. When the flood comes,...read more

Ana Braga And Phoebe Price Street Vendors

The fifteenth year of a fifteen year run trying to get noticed in Hollywood is not the time to be pulling out the public sex teasing. This is rookie year antics. Getting older doesn't have to suck. Getting older in a thong does. When you start pulling that bikini out of your ass and pieces are coming with, consider more forgiving stretch pants and a comfy oversized sweater. You would've got away with it if it weren't...read more

Rachel Roy Faked Fucking Jay Z

According to authoritatively anonymous insider sources, Rachel Roy intentionally misled the social media idiots to believe she was the other woman in the Beyonce song calling out her husband for cheating. Roy wanted to drum up publicity for her personal style book out now on sale. You're going to want to dress and carry yourself like a woman who's fucking a married rapper. It's not confirmed but almost certainly true....read more