Carmen Valentina Porn Star in the Park

Porn stars recently decided they were going to come out of society's shadows. Like heroic Mexican migrants yet to be fully hand stamped. I think that's the acceptable term now. We know the porn stars walk among us. They gotta eat. You know they need to wash their clothes. And home The AIDS tests aren't accurate to a commercially viable standard.read more

Will Ferrell Drops Reagan Flick And Shit Around The Web

Will Ferrell has backed out of a project in which he would have played Ronald Reagan in the depths of Alzheimer's Disease...for laughs. People in Hollywood still hate Reagan but for a moment forgot about all of the studio chiefs with early onset dementia.read more

Kourtney And Khloe Kardashian Ruin Gigi Hadid's 21st

There's some age at which going to a birthday party when you're fifteen years older than the birthday girl is deemed inappropriate. Like 8 and 23. You'll get looks when you're trying to fit into the little tea party chairs. The 30-something Kardashian sisters routinely show up to teen and young adult events because they have no friends their own age. Or friends. Anywhere the cameras go is an open invitation to film...read more

Ashley Greene Is Topless Without Attorneys (VIDEO)

I can't remember how many years ago it was that Ashley Green's nude pictures went flying around the net. That might be the time the FBI got involved. There weren't Islamic terrorists driving around the U.S. in minivans so much then. Agents were bored. Who wouldn't volunteer for the Ashley Greene stolen tit pics case. Not everybody's Elliott Ness.read more

Bruce Jenner Dons Wig To Pee In Trump Tower (VIDEO)

Bruce Jenner has shown he will go to great lengths to prove his point. Like how you can't be gay if you're sucking a dick while identifying as a woman. Also that he's a legit tranny activist and not just a rich poser playing dress up.read more

Kim Kardashian Has an Answer For Everything

You thought Kim Kardashian shared photos of her tits and tongue because she's an attention machine whose brand of feminism calls for commercializing her gross level fuckability. You're only mostly right. Kardashian posted a ton of black and white late night Cinemax selfies from her weekend in Miami, careful to explain the real reason behind the sharing:read more

Kim Jong-un Brings Back the Ladies

Paranoia can be defined as a man so concerned with personal security that he disbands the team of attractive young escorts who suck and fuck him on command. When King Jong-un took over from pops, he eliminated the "Pleasure Squad" of largely underaged girls who served as a harem for the Great Leader. "Pleasure Squad" seems less obvious when drawn in Korean characters where it's a house with a dude with a limp dick and...read more

Sandra Kubicka in A Bikini

Miami seems like the very last place you'd want to go if you're an international model looking to get noticed. It's swarming with competition. You're from Gdansk and God gave you perfect skin and tits? Outstanding. Go stand in that line over there. No, it's like Space Mountain. It wraps. You're way back. Stop showing me your medals.read more

Mariah Carey Purple Mountains Majesty

Mariah Carey's lip-synch and girdle tour has reached South Africa. It's spreading in reverse order of your more common pandemics. The singer is making waves for demanding that the scenic backdrop for her concert performance in Cape Town be lit up in purple to honor Prince and his prescription painkiller overdose.read more

Miley Cyrus Has a Tattoo Problem

Miley Cyrus got a new tattoo. Like most super chill people into body art, she shared it with tons of exclamation points and hashtags on Instagram. Cyrus noted her new tattoo was the planet Jupiter while many of the 100,000 people who have the free time to interact with a Miley selfie noted that her tattoo planet sure looked like Saturn. The one with the rings around it. That we learned about in first grade.read more

Don't Forsake the NSFW

All the bare tits you can't see during the day because Starbucks wifi are now under the NSFW nav category. This will not only fool Juicy Juice into buying ads, but it might me into heaven when the time comes. The former being far more important.read more

Katt Williams Arrested...Again And Shit Around The Web

Tiny comedian Katt Williams was arrested again for assault in a seafood restaurant. This guy is really racking up the arrests. They should give him a frequent felon punch card.read more

Ellie Goulding in A Bikini

There's some kind of international convention that's supposed to prevent British chicks from visiting the beach. By extension it's why you don't see chicks with jugs on their head loading up drinking water in the scuba pool at Sandals. Incredibly white people at the beach makes everybody nervous. A reminder that melanoma doesn't just target the noses of elderly politicians quick to the drink. They have beaches in...read more

Hailey Baldwin Tit Cupped

Hailey Baldwin had cup therapy on her chest to heal her broken heart from her split with Justin Bieber. Numerous celebrities have taken up the ancient Chinese art of suction cup medicine because buttered coffee was making their urine stink. Sports bra mandatory days are a bitch with tit hickeys. Might I recommend some immunotherapy to go with those fake intelligence glasses? Don't think Jesus forgets the Canadians when...read more

Azealia Banks Isn't So Stupid

Azealia Banks is an angry racist and keeper of the flame of black entertainer purity. Like Bill Cosby, only after being lectured you won't wake up on a park bench with cum lining your ear canal. Banks has been tearing Beyonce a new one about her cheating hearts Lemonade album. Banks believes her far more commercially successful sister exploits derogatory black cultural memes to sell more shit to rich white people. Like...read more