Ellie Goulding in A Bikini

There's some kind of international convention that's supposed to prevent British chicks from visiting the beach. By extension it's why you don't see chicks with jugs on their head loading up drinking water in the scuba pool at Sandals. Incredibly white people at the beach makes everybody nervous. A reminder that melanoma doesn't just target the noses of elderly politicians quick to the drink. They have beaches in...read more

Hailey Baldwin Tit Cupped

Hailey Baldwin had cup therapy on her chest to heal her broken heart from her split with Justin Bieber. Numerous celebrities have taken up the ancient Chinese art of suction cup medicine because buttered coffee was making their urine stink. Sports bra mandatory days are a bitch with tit hickeys. Might I recommend some immunotherapy to go with those fake intelligence glasses? Don't think Jesus forgets the Canadians when...read more

Azealia Banks Isn't So Stupid

Azealia Banks is an angry racist and keeper of the flame of black entertainer purity. Like Bill Cosby, only after being lectured you won't wake up on a park bench with cum lining your ear canal. Banks has been tearing Beyonce a new one about her cheating hearts Lemonade album. Banks believes her far more commercially successful sister exploits derogatory black cultural memes to sell more shit to rich white people. Like...read more

People Don't Like Shia LaBeouf So Much

If you're a chick who resembles Ted Cruz, you get ten grand to fuck your unemployed boyfriend on camera. If you're a dude who resembles Shia LaBeouf, you get a fist to the face in a subway station. Mario Licato was on his way to a fine arts show as people do in New York when a random punch came flying into his left eye socket. I was so confused. I was even more confused because I got up and was like, am I crazy, or...read more

Why Is That Man Wearing Grandpa's Pants?

The new look site launches today. Please document your every single feeling and hint of emotional hurt. Take that piece of paper, fold it thrice, lightly moisten, and you know what to do next. Someday I'll have children I need to pretend to love. I'm very Iverson when it comes to practice. Check out the Lenny Letter Blog. You have options.read more

Kardashians Warming Up to Rob's Whore

Overtures of peace are being made between the Kardashians and Still Fat Rob's stripper fiancee, Blac Chyna. Pick your battles. There's an ass and tit implanted whore at the gate. Let her in or cover her in cauldrons of stewing feces. Kris Jenner is already ten moves ahead on the balance sheet. She's got a 27-slide Powerpoint detailing the revenue models from her disappointing son banging a pro. When the flood comes,...read more

Ana Braga And Phoebe Price Street Vendors

The fifteenth year of a fifteen year run trying to get noticed in Hollywood is not the time to be pulling out the public sex teasing. This is rookie year antics. Getting older doesn't have to suck. Getting older in a thong does. When you start pulling that bikini out of your ass and pieces are coming with, consider more forgiving stretch pants and a comfy oversized sweater. You would've got away with it if it weren't...read more

Rachel Roy Faked Fucking Jay Z

According to authoritatively anonymous insider sources, Rachel Roy intentionally misled the social media idiots to believe she was the other woman in the Beyonce song calling out her husband for cheating. Roy wanted to drum up publicity for her personal style book out now on sale. You're going to want to dress and carry yourself like a woman who's fucking a married rapper. It's not confirmed but almost certainly true....read more

Nets Owner Pisses Off Putin

If you ever find yourself getting down on America, remember there's therest of the world. Exhibit A: Russia. Billionaire oligarch MikhailProkhorov can buy an NBA team, run the team into the ground, fuck models, and say whatever he wants. In America. In Russia you can't do that last bit. Prokhorov has a large interest in the Russian media group RBC, whose newspaperprinted something mildly critical of topless horsemen...read more

Jared Fogle Gets the House

Jared Fogle lent his Foundation President and favorite pedo videographer Russell Taylor $191,000 fora down payment on a house right before the FBI swarmed in to investigate how the Subway sausage was being made.Taylor got twenty-seven years ahead of Fogle's fifteen and never paid back the loan.A judgeawarded Fogle the entire house on an outstanding note of $184,000. There are still places in America where you can buy...read more

LeAnn Rimes in A Bikini

If you haven't been to the Indian Tribal Casinos lately, you've missed the still thriving LeAnn Rimes musical career. She and Loggins and Messina minus Loggins are blowing up. Big in Foxwoods and hating the woman who bore your husband's kids takes a toll. Bikini weather and a South of the Border rotavirus explanation for why you won't eat any food is the perfect wind down. People said you'd be institutionalized by...read more

Alexis Ren in A Bikini

There's a possibility that in the modern digital world aspiring cheesecake models won't ever know the stinging memories of molestation and sexual objectification. Guys like Uncle Terry were the the basic training to see if you could graduate into the business proper. Yes, my hand is down your pants. Does that make you want to vomit yet swallow your rage such that I will get you the cover of Ixtapa Swimsuit Weekly?...read more

Pam Anderson's Breasts Will Appear in Baywatch Movie And Shit Around The Web

PamelaAnderson originally said she had no interest in being a part of the Baywatch film. Which is bankruptcy speak for, double that offer and I'll be there at 6am in my red swimsuit with my tits and bush waxed. Done deal. I look forward to seeing some old friends on screen. (The Superficial) Lando Calrissian is going back to hawking Colt 45. (TMZ) Eva Biechy gets naked in bed. (Egotastic All-Stars) Alessandra Ambrosio...read more

Lena Dunham Leaving If Hillary Doesn't Take Over

Lena Dunham known for her fierce feminism and the constant smell of wet woodland mammal that follows her like a Pig-Pen dirt cloud is ditching the United State if Donald Trump beats Hillary Clinton in November. Unlike previous celebrities who have said unlike previous celebrities they are truly serious about leaving, Dunham stated that she is truly serious about leaving unlike previous celebrities. Dunham posted this...read more

Bella Thorne Is the T-1000 of Attention

You need look no further than this chick for the prime example of how shit never changes for women who want to be famous. Bella Thorne is either a talented teen actress or she's an attention whore showing off her tits to millions on her social media accounts. You don't get to vote. She'll Tweet about body shaming and the scourge of mythical gender pay inequality, followed up by a down top shot or oops my shorts fell...read more