What Can You Get For Five Bucks on Cinco De Mayo?

Everybody celebrates the Battle of Puebla in their own way. Though almost everybody celebrates it by getting drunk. That's what Mexico wants you to do. They supply the beer. You supply the need for a low skilled service based economy. It's all in the book NAFTA for Beginners. Ignore the racist pictures of fat men in sombreros.read more

Arsenio Vs. Sinead Round 2 And Shit Around The Web

It's a battle of has beens as Arsenio Hall sues Sinead O'Connor for claiming that he killed Prince with drugs. Why Arsenio? Who the fuck knows what goes on in Sinead's bald head. She's baby-eating crazy. I wonder how Arsenio is going to pay for his lawyer? Prostituting himself to guys who like to face fuck dudes with big chins?read more

Caitlyn Jenner Naked in SI

Caitlyn Jenner naked. Not since 'Chipotle burrito, why?' have three words caused such a shit your pants panic. It was inevitable. Sports Illustrated bid to be the first magazine to get the unclothed Bruce. That says more about Time Warner begging for progressive points than any cultural shift en masse. Guys who like sports haven't suddenly found a passion for tranny. Exclusive of those already wing-manning for Hank...read more

Kristen Wiig in A Bikini

Not-fat female comedians have a rougher road than most. Nobody cares Melissa McCarthy hit the ice box at two in the morning breaking on the inside. She's still that funny chick from Bridesmaids. America doesn't want a skinny John Candy. That's why we had him killed. If you're Kristen Wiig in a bikini on the beach, the paradigm shifts.read more

Alec Baldwin Taking End of His Career Well

Alec Baldwin has been tapped to host the reboot of The Match Game game show from 1970's daytime television. Thanks to the success of the latest Family Feud reboot with Steve Harvey production companies are now looking to revive more game shows for network syndication. Baldwin consulted his buddies Gin and Tonic as to how to handle his feelings about being the next Steve Harvey. Everyone agreed it was a good talk.read more

Paris Hilton Rattles Cages

Paris Hilton pissed off a UN wild animal conservation group by posing with a dressed up orangutan while visiting Dubai. Rich people in the Middle East are especially fond of purchasing wild animals and turning them into cocktail party ice breakers. So exactly what The Hamptons would be like without some supervision from U.S. Customs.read more

Photoshopped Elton John and Lady Gaga Are Selling Athleisure Wear

Elton John and Lady Gaga are teaming up to teach the world about compassion and bravery through the sale stretch pants and casual tops at Macy's. Anchor stores at the mall are the new ground zero for cultural progress. Also for pretending that cheese on a stick isn't going to kill you faster than the Muslim kid down the block who can't get laid.read more

Lee Daniels Sincerely Apologizes to Sean Penn

Defamation laws are tricky. You can state that Lee Daniels' dad beat the shit out of him with an electric cord when he found Daniels trying on his mom's high heels. Daniels himself noted that on his application for a prime time LGBT award. You can't suggest Sean Penn beat his wife because Penn carries a signed letter from Madonna in his coat pocket that states Penn never physically abused her.read more

Rumer Willis Jawline Bullied

Rumer Willis claims Vanity Fair Photoshopped her jaw to several evolution iterations past Cro-Magnon. Willis posted the previously unseen photo to Instagram then asked everybody to please remove it from their accounts. Somebody got into mom's Whip-Its.read more

Madonna Is Gross And Shit Around The Web

Feeble crone Madonna was still trying to shock us by wearing assless pants to the Met Gala and then sucking her finger seductively at the after party. Wigged Gollum fetishists to the front of the line.read more

Kanye Just Can't Let Go

Kanye West is still talking about that one time at band camp he interrupted Taylor Swift on stage at the 2009 VMA's. Even twelve year old Taylor Swift fansite bloggers stopped asking years ago. West swerved onto the topic on the Steve Harvey Radio Show even after Harvey said he's rather not bring it up. This is Kanye West's molestation moment.read more

Emma Watson Recycled Fashion

Watson claims the use of the recycled plastic threads and organic only silk and cotton additions are a feminist issue since most of the third world traditional garment factory workers are female. She's not quite clear on what happens to the women of Bangladesh once they lose their shitty factory jobs. Perhaps Sarah Lawrence for four years of Art History studies?read more

Ariel Winter Can't Stop Showing Off Them Titties

Being eighteen and having a constantly talked about rack is just far too much power. It supersedes any desire to be politically correct or discuss your craft seriously. TV sitcom daughter is not an official SIC code but it's still lionized as teacher or Chief Diversity Officer.read more

Grimes Propositioned

Grimes is a shitty nickname. Like a dwarf with scoliosis who sweeps the manor floors. Canadian singer Grimes' real name is Claire. But Claire is the kind of girl who likes frame stores and spying on her boyfriend's texts. As Grimes, you can authoritatively comment on the misogynistic state of the music industry. Asked about the Kesha and Dr. Luke case, Grimes claimed that particular situation is fairly complicated....read more

Columbia Has a Mattress Girl Problem

That chick at Columbia University who toted a mattress around on her shoulders because the school refused to expel her ex-boyfriend she claimed raped her on that mattress continues to haunt the college. What was once the Northeastern liberal arts cause célèbre may become a payout to Paul Nungesser for the school wholly backing Mattress Girl, Emma Sulkowicz, both before and after Nungesser was completely exonerated.read more