By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
It used to be you had to pretend to be a model parent to pass out advice to the rest of the fertile womb klatch. You know, those moms who always seemed put together, gave lectures to other moms or wrote books about how to get your kid to stop being such an asshole in stores simply by getting down on one knee and explaining to them how feelings work. Then you’d have to wait ten years to learn that mom was a heavy drinker who was fucking the gardener while the kids were high on aerosol cheese because dad was unable to hug them. Enter Kim Kardashian. Who knows parenting better than an about to be thrice married huckster with a tattoo on her taint that reads ‘If you’re seeing this, then you already know why I’m rich’. Kim’s a technically working, technically single mom, which makes her the perfect dispenser of maternal wisdom. Little nuggets like she laid off on about to be a mom friend, Ciara:
I believe in allowing your child to be who they want to be-as long as they want to be something great
In other words, North can choose between hooking and neurosurgery, but she will not fucking work at the mall like I had to before mom killed dad and we got the bigger house. According to Ciara, who I thought had a dick but is apparently about to birth a baby, Kim has been a font of great motherly advice, from breast feeding to how to assemble a stroller. Or, you know, how to get the wet nurse and the nannies to get that shit done. Being a great mom is all about time management. Or as Kim might put it in her encouraging tips to moms, spending a long day looking after North and still looking good for your rapper baby daddy when he gets home from fucking your little half-sister’s girlfriends. Motherhood isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 1:06 PM
I thought rollerblading ended a decade ago when a tank topped guy in wraparound sunglasses caught his reflection in his sports bottle and cried with a sudden gift of self-awareness. Regardless, girls on skates will continue to provide boners to millions of men who will make comments about how amazing it would be to doink a woman on wheels. We got seven billion of us humping the stationary way, but the porn industry continues to confuse us with how sex really ought go down. Like biting her boobs super hard and calling her a whore or straddling her with your legs akimbo so a camera can pan on your nut sack swinging back and forth like a Newton’s Cradle. Yeah, go on and try that some time. Chicks dig being treated like porn stars. Trust me.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 12:53 PM
Rumer Willis is on the cusp of greatness. Actually, that might be the cusp of obscurity. Whichever cusp it is, it can’t hurt to show off your pink panties when you’re straddling it.
Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News
By Jack April 24, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
Jodie Foster got gay married to her girlfriend Alexandra Hedison one year after telling everybody at the Golden Globes that she was a lesbian. Sort of like Barry Bonds coming out and admitting he used performance enhancing drugs. I mean, you know, when he does. You’ll recall that Foster rambled incoherently at the awards ceremony about how she just wanted everyone to know she dug vagina. It was a half-assed speech that everybody gave lots of applause just because they had to by edict of presiding culture. Soon after, Jodie dumped the woman who she praised in her speech and started dating Alexandra Hedison over last summer in a whirlwind post-menopausal romance. Hedison had previously dated Ellen Degeneres because you’re not really a lesbian in L.A. until you’ve had a taste of Ellen. The two middle-aged love birds got hitched in a private ceremony in Hollywood where as is tradition, a cross-dressing midget came out and started the countdown to Splitsville clock at fourteen months and eleven days. Ah, love. It just keeps you young.
By Travis April 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Ancient comedienne Joan Rivers and her talentless daughter Melissa have apparently had a reality show on the WE network for several years now, and it reveals how zany and bizarre their life is together, as they continue to be the only people who can stand them. They were on the Today Show this week to promote the series, and while describing a scene in which Joan is tearing down a wall in their home, she explained that “Those women in the basement in Cleveland had more space,” referring to Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus, who were held hostage by Ariel Castro for a decade.
Now, Amanda’s and Gina’s lawyers are demanding an apology, and Joan told TMZ that she’s too old to give a shit about what their lawyers want.
“They got to live rent free for more than a decade.”
“One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re ok. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on Dancing with the Stars.”
People are obviously offended, because it’s a weekday and people need something to be offended about, but who honestly gives a shit what Joan says anymore? She’d probably get an even better TV show if she just keeps saying the most offensive shit that she can think of. Preferably about her worthless daughter.
By Travis April 24, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Now that Cameron Diaz is 41-years old, a lot of people are starting to focus on the fact that she isn’t married and that she’s never had kids, which is really unfair to her. After all, it’s not her fault that she didn’t jump all over and tie herself to any of the millions of men who would have murdered in her honor during her prime. She just never found the right man or never felt the urge to create life, and maybe all she wants to do is keep making terrible romantic comedies and twerk with giant panda bears on her Tonight Show appearances. However, there might be another reason that she’s single, as she revealed a very interesting hygiene note to E! News at the premiere of The Other Woman on Monday night.
“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in. Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”
That’s really good advice, and I bet she looks forward to sharing it with no one in another 20 years.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis April 24, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
The 2014 Golden Gods Awards took place last night in Los Angeles, and the event was such a huge celebration of the year’s best in Heavy Metal that it aired exclusively on a VH1 live feed. And if you missed it last night, or you’re a purist who can only watch meaningless awards shows on TV, you only have to wait another month until VH1 Classic airs some highlights of the show. Fortunately, Peter Pan rocker Dave Navarro was keeping everyone updated from the red carpet on Twitter, and he even reunited with his ex-wife Carmen Electra to show us all how chlamydia is made. Did these two former lovers rekindle their once-steamy love? Probably. They’re both single and on the wrong side of 40, so Dave’s probably taking advantage of every chance he can get before his dick finally falls off.
Photo Credit: Twitter, Getty
By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 5:59 PM
Many NFL cheerleaders are now suing their respective NFL teams for being made to work for free. And by being made to work for free, I mean, they put on cakes of makeup and super tight workout gear, cut any bitch who stepped in front of them in line, and begged the teams to let them come cheer for free. Beyond just the dispute over the meaning of the word free, some of Buffalo Jills cheerleader claim they were gawked at, fondled, and told to jiggle their bodies to see how they looked in the unis during tryouts. Outrageous. All you ever wanted was to pom pom in a super short skirt and a bra for 60,000 drunk dudes and this is what you’re subjected to? Even off-Interstate strippers get treated nicer. And they get paid. Which leads me to one fucking conclusion, why the hell are you not stripping? You know, you can hook up with professional athletes and have illegitimate babies via the Internet these days. If you’re a stripper, your odds rise astronomically of at least one child support claim. And you don’t need to put up with all that objectification nonsense, not without some Washington’s stuffed into your crannies. Despite all the brochures, cheerleading is not a real profession. These ‘indentured servitude’ lawsuits make a mockery of the real misery of slave labor experienced by seamstresses in Myanmar or Kendra Wilkinson’s husband. Let it go. G-O. Let it go.