Dukes of Hazzard Canned on the 4th of July

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 12:56 PM

Dukes-of-Hazzard

TV Land announced they are pulling re-runs of The Dukes of Hazzard for reasons completely unrelated to the furor over the Confederate flag and general disdain by The Enlightened for all things South and guns and redneck. Bo and Luke Duke never meant no harm, but they did induce one demented motherfucker to shoot up a black bible study group in South Carolina. Uncle Jesse was breeding hate with that moonshine. And Daisy, well, fuck, there was absolutely nothing wrong with Daisy.

Everybody is a dictator who embraces democracy when it concurs with their opinion. Half the joy of the Supreme Court same sex ruling was sticking it to the bible thumpers. Gay marriage was already legal in thirty-seven states. The thirteen remaining voted to disagree. That too was once called democracy. Racism exists in the South. Bible study group shootings are rather rare. Dylan Roof’s nutso jumping off point was the most deadly hate crime in the entire history of South Carolina. Jumping reflexive bandwagons is easy. Thinking is hard. You got them Duke boys. Congratulations, you’re Boss Hogg.

Elle Fanning Seems Ready to Be More Famous

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 11:52 AM

Elle Fanning Bare Midriff Underwear Peek
Elle Fanning is the anti Kylie Jenner. Same age, but definable talent, un-injected body, and she doesn’t process your Visa card for peeks at her underwear. It’s some quirk of quantum physics that both girls can exist in nearly the same space at the same time. I blame Elle’s mom. She forgot that coming of age speech about putting family over self and upselling suitors by convincing them you’ve never had it in the ass before and you’re scared it’s going to hurt. Calvin Klein might cringe every time he sees girls wearing his underpants. I see it as sign of salvation. You don’t have to be a whore to get ahead. Though it remains a huge help.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Daniela Lopez Osorio Is A Bonermaker And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 03, 2015 @ 11:00 AM

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Daniela Lopez Osorio is one sexy Latina. She fights for the right of so many good causes, then starts taking her clothes off. The perfect citizen.

Check out Daniela in various oiled body bikinis. (Egotastic)

You know it’s bad when NASCAR thinks you’re too racist, Donald Trump. (TMZ)

Kourtney Kardashian says fuck you to her sister’s gun control stance. (Huffington Post)

Selena Gomez looks like she made a boom in those overalls. (Drunken Stepfather)

Miranda Kerr is highly fuckable. (Hollywood Tuna)

Chrissy Teigen has some big ‘ol fake titties, y’all. (Popoholic)

Scantily clad ladies looking in the mirror. (The Chive)

Sienna Miller In a Bikini

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 10:26 AM

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The European celebrities are in the South of Spain this summer. Greece used to be the chic hot spot in July until the commies decided the retirement age should be thirty-two and bankrupted their cute little village nation. Spain remains the Mexico of Europe. Street merchants will haggle down from fifty bucks to eleven cents on a cute shell necklace if you commit the time. Also, a boy with a struggling mustache will hound you to have sex with his very most beautiful sister. Sienna Miller is there. Everybody says she looks good for a mom. Why the half compliment? Nobody says a woman looks good for being barren and infertile. Although that is what many men are looking for.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner to Cohabitate

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 9:36 AM

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing amicably. They intend to remain great friends and even continue to live together to parent their three carefully named children. Which sounds an awful lot like being married, with the exception that all that side fucking is no longer cheating. It’s rather genius if you can pull it off. Affleck gets models on his dick at night and breakfast with the nuclear family the next morning. While Garner presumably gets to feel like she’s not hurting the kids because she married a dude who loves Pai Gow and Asian pussy.

They are not the first celebrity divorced couple to employ such cohabitation tactics. None have lasted on the same property past about six months or the first time they heard their ex screaming ‘I’m gonna cum so hard for you, you fucking whore!’ from the guest house. That’s just super hard to get used to. It’s unnatural to remain amicable with your former spouse. It’s the one person in the world you probably have good reason to hate. What has the leader of ISIS done to you personally? That’s right, nothing. But your ex betrayed your trust, lied to you, treated you like shit, took you for granted, and at some point, probably pissed on the toilet seat just to cause you aggravation. Tell me again how this is for the children? Don’t answer that. Here’s your Facebook like.

Chelsea Ferguson Banned From Snapchat

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 9:08 AM

A Stripper Named Chelsea Ferguson Is Taking Advantage Of Snapchat
The only thing worse than shameless self-promoters sticking up for tit freedom is the fear of tits themselves. There’s a time to be scared of women’s bodies. It’s called age eight. We should be trying to separate ourselves from ignorant fundamentalist cave dwellers, not embracing their eons old belief that drought is God being really angry at us for wasting spunk.

All stripper Chelsea Ferguson wanted was to show off her big bags on Snapchat and induce lonely dudes to come visit her at her English venue. It’s okay for Brett Favre to endorse dubious pain meds during Kimmel, but some chick who wants to give you an organic boner is verboten in the media  Somewhere between burning Lolita and fat middle aged swingers in Orange County gang fucking on vagina shaped waterbeds, there’s a happy sexual medium. Let these tits run free. They need green pastures.

Photo Credit: Snapchat

Ugly Betty Tells Trump The Latinos Are Taking Over

By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 8:39 AM

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Here’s one way to assuage the anti-Hispanic immigrant crowd. Tell them you’re going to breed and take over shit and kill all the whiteys by spitting on their spoons at fancy restaurants. America Ferrara isn’t Mexican but she had a picture of her Honduran grandmother in her dorm room at USC so she penned an open letter to Donald Trump about his views on Mexican immigrants. She got it published in The Huffington Post. Not everybody can do that. Just kidding. Everybody can.

Trump never actually said Mexicans are rapists and drug dealers. He said the Mexican government was pushing their rapists and drug dealers to immigrate to the U.S.. I don’t know it that’s true or not, but it certainly makes sense if you’re running Mexico.

Reminding us that people who write open letters need to be sent to a remote island and consumed slowly and painfully by Hantavirus, Ferrara starts off:

Dear Donald,

You’ve said some pretty offensive things about Latino immigrants recently, and I think they’re worth addressing. Because, you know, this is the United States of America, where I have a right to speak up even if I’m not a billionaire. Isn’t that awesome?

Anyway, I heard what you said about the kind of people you think Latino immigrants are — people with problems, who bring drugs, crime and rape to America. While your comments are incredibly ignorant and racist, I don’t want to spend my time chastising you. I’ll leave that to your business partners like Univision and NBC, who have the power to scold you where it hurts. Instead, I’m writing to say thank you!

Ferrara lays down a series of stats cut and pasted from Wikipedia about the ivy like growth of Central Americans in the U.S. I didn’t have any particular feelings about America Ferrara before her open letter, now I want to stuff Donald Trump’s hair weave in her face and see if she knows the word for ‘stop’ in Spanish. Penning an anti-Trump letter on HuffPo is akin to San Dimas High School football rules! Find the most sympathetic audience possible, tell them exactly what they want to hear, and show off your ability to write in the colloquial style of tweens. Is this progress? It feels like progress.

Ferrara is right about that Latino takeover. That’s happening whether you’re preaching Reconquista at La Raza BBQs or wearing a Cesar Chavez Was an Asshole t-shirt and screaming at Spics to go home. The Mexicans and everybody else we call Mexicans because that’s just easier are here to stay. Trump won’t win. None of this will have anything to do with Ferrara’s open letter, but expect some diversity awards to be handed out regardless. You can’t call it politics unless it’s pointless from all angles.

Photo credit: Getty Images 

Tiger Woods Banging Another Golfer’s Ex Wife

By Matt July 03, 2015 @ 8:02 AM

Boyd

According to dubious reports Tiger Woods has been teeing off on Dorothy Boyd who divorced PGA golfer Jason Dufner in April. It is unclear if the pair started their rape fetishizing before or after the divorce, or if this ever happened. What is clear is that it’s certainly plausible. I always thought boxers were superstitious natives when it came to not boning prior to a fight. While we lack hard scientific data, Tiger Woods has won eight million majors and definitely bangs the most. Just throwing it out there, let FOX run with it. Tiger’s agent Mark Steinberg denies the report to the point that it sounds probably true:

“I couldn’t deny this more vehemently. There is less than zero strand of truth to it. 100 percent false. 100 percent fabricated and zero credence. Absolutely, unequivocally untrue. They are not even acquaintances. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Define acquaintance. Say I sneak in through the screen door and am already gone in the morning. There must have been enough credence for Steinberg to make the phone call. It definitely wouldn’t be out of left field. Boyd is a hot piece of ass in Tiger’s sexual addiction proximity.  She can at least probably help with his broken swing. Nice form. Is that where babies come from?