Online fitness instructor and personal trainer Cassey Ho felt a need to respond to the one-tenth of one percent of her YouTube viewers who write her nasty notes about her body not being perfect enough for their high standards. Stephen Hawking could go online with a groundbreaking theory on the universe and some greater percentage of trolls would call him Retardo on Wheels. Ho made a video where she virtually Photoshops her real self into a dysmorphic objectified female to please ToddTheAnimals198 who keeps telling her she’s fat.
In this video, you will experience what it feels like to be constantly bombarded with outrageous negativity. You will see what it looks like to have your self-esteem stripped away. You will read real comments left by real people. You will see me struggle with my own appearance.
That certainly sounds like a compelling promo. When you’re clearly not fat and you power through two thousand crunches a day you could choose to ignore Todd or you could let him consume your every waking hour and sense of self-worth. Based on the maudlin music in the video, I’m going to assume Ho chose the latter. Perhaps the answer to empowering women about their bodies is to convince them to ignore the some small percentage of anonymous screen names that thrill themselves by writing mean shit in between hits from their CPAPs. I clearly remember my grade school P.E. teacher telling me sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you. And that was after some big ass kid had hit me with a stick. Times have changed. Victimhood is the brass ring. You have two million subscribers on YouTube and you’re getting paid to do squats and sell protein shakes. Let it go. You’re never going to solve inbred chauvinism in your underwear.
Any notion that Uncle Terry was going to take his naughty balls and go home remains the dreamscape of people who would convict a man merely for being a creepy photographer with young girls from Slovakia claiming he shoved his dick in their ears. That wouldn’t even merit him a sweep-under-the-rug transfer if he were a public school teacher in Los Angeles. It’s easy to suggest that men blindly support Terry Richardson because he takes and shares pictures of topless women. It’s also true. If he ran the helados y conos de nieve jingle cart in the park, we’d hoist the pitchforks and run him out of town.
What you do matters. Nobody’s going to hire a dude who whips his toddler’s balls for punishment to work their soda fountain. There are a half dozen teams in the NFL trying to land Adrian Peterson in their backfield. The Dirty Dozen were all criminals, but we had Nazis to kill. If you have any doubt about where you stand, just stare into this girl’s tits and ask yourself if they should go away. Put a disclaimer on his front door like we do cigarettes and leave Uncle Terry to his important work.
It takes some kind of frontier spirit to be the Middle Eastern dude in your Washington State high school and show up in the cafeteria with a prank suicide bomb strapped around your waist. The sum of all fears. Fuck, Ibrahim’s claiming his virgins, I’ll miss my limbs. I love you mom. La Center High student Ibrahim Ahmad thought it’d be amusing to ask a chick to the prom in front of the whole cafeteria while wearing a belt of fake dynamite and a sign that read:
I kno it’s late, but I’m kinda the bomb, Rilea will u be my date to the prom?
The misspellings don’t mean Ibrahim is stupid, just fully immersed in the hip illiteracy of teen America. Rilea would be the lucky girl who won the heart of the Arab dude with very little self-awareness. Ahmad tried to put some context behind his prank:
Being a Middle Eastern child, you’re growing up with all these bomb jokes. It’s kind of like it’s always a thing that’s there but … the people that were there, they understood the situation.
Wait, what kind of bomb jokes and to what address should we send the FBI to ask a couple quick followups? Ahmad was suspended for five days which he felt was super harsh considering all he did was jokingly pretend to kill a thousand infidels in their dens of heresy. The suspension carries through the prom which means he and his new date can’t even attend. They’ve instead decided to get dressed up and go to dinner and a movie, where Ahmad will scream ‘The exists are locked! Allahu Akbar. We’re all going to die!’ because he’s not done yet with his zany icebreakers.
A group of Native Americans cast to be cliche Indians in the Adam Sandler western spoof The Ridiculous Six ditched production when it became apparent the film was not going to respectfully honor the Native American culture. Everybody has to distance themselves from the latest Sandler film at some point. Specifically, the characters were dressed in tribally inaccurate costumes and scripted jokes consisted of female Indian characters named Beaver Breath and No Bra. That’s not funny, but not because it’s culturally insensitive.
Allison Young, a former film student from Dartmouth who was taking a SAG paycheck to be an Apache on the film, appointed herself chief of the disgruntled tribes:
We talked to the producers about our concerns. They just told us, ‘If you guys are so sensitive, you should leave.’ I was just standing there and got emotional and teary-eyed. I didn’t want to cry, but the feeling just came over me. This is supposed to be a comedy that makes you laugh. A film like this should not make someone feel this way.
It’s unclear if Allison Young is actually Native American or just watched Billy Jack too many times.in her multicultural cinema studies classes. I’ve seen tons of people outside a Sandler film crying and lamenting about how it was supposed to be funny. This is nothing new. Except this group took a paycheck to be involved. As my grandma used to say, you can’t suck dick for a living and complain about stinky balls. That’s why grandma was the last woman I ever loved.
With dad on the cusp of lopping off his giblets on live TV, Kris Jenner fell back on her favorite misdirection play, dress the girls up like prostitutes and take them out for a stroll. Jenner ran an algorithm of every single dress every single parent ever told their daughter they couldn’t leave the house in to fashion streetwalker wardrobes for her four girls. Kim was out searching for Rob before the press finds him and was unavailable for the evening. This shit’s insidious, but it works. The entire cadre of Hollywood paparazzi started shooting tits and ass even on the underaged one while not a word was spoken about Kris’ henpecking her former husband into a new vagina and gown. The evening was a huge success, save for the janitor who had to pressure wash the sticky snail trail that leaks behind the Kardashian pack on non-douche days.
Prodigious pussy hound Cara Delevingne inserts herself into the arms of rebounding celebrity chicks lighting style quick. She’s got some hidden network of pneumatic tubes built under the earth’s mantle that can deliver her talented fingers anywhere in the world in eleven seconds. Elon Musk is still thirty years from this same technology. Pop. Out come the eyebrows just in time to console Miley Cyrus who was getting loaded and making out with her friends. To Catch a Predator stuffed animal. Check. Lesbian rings of power. Check. Pull Miley close to your bosom and work up some tears. There’s celebrity snatch to be had. No man on the planet has this game.
Engaged WNBA players Brittney Griner and Glory Johnson were arrested in Phoenix over a domestic dispute after both sustained minor injuries around the 6’4″ mark. Britney hhad several small cuts and a bite wound. Johnson was rocking a busted lip. To be fair these injuries could have been sustained from an earlier love making session or a heated game of HORSE. It’s unclear why police decided to arrest the couple instead of just telling one to go cool off at the softball fields. Friends and family had trouble separating the two during their kerfuffle which is why I recommend keeping a tranquilizer gun around hormonal women who can dunk. Earlier this week Britney posted the following love note to Instagram. It’s unclear why things went south so fast and which one smiled at the waitress:
“EveryDay Every Second! I fall for you like I fell way back before I had the nerves to even approach you! My Queen My Rock My Universe!”
In a relationship you need one person with childhood issues who constantly flies off the handle and another one who’s into cars and doesn’t let shit bother them. Furthermore there needs to be a large disparity in physical strength so it’s not a fair fight and one can restrain the other when they’ve had too much chardonnay and you forgot an anniversary. I hope these two can make it work without installing an octagon in the garage. Lesbian relationships have their particular challenges. It’s hard to scissor in the bathroom.
Anna Gensler is a true hero in the face of gender inequality and oppression. Her gig is that she goes on Tinder with a revealing profile photo and talks dirty to guys. Then she waits for them to say something dirty back and draws them naked with a tiny dick and posts their photo to instagram. Then she sends them the link and sometimes they flip out, even though she only displays their first name and her drawings suck too much to make you recognizable. Activism increasingly means not having a job. She also sells shirts with a drawing of a dick on it like Susan B Anthony would have wanted.
Gensler repeatedly states she is doing this to draw attention to the fact that men don’t respect women in our society. Certainly not ones who behave like this. You’re on a fuck app. Next thing you know dudes will be jerking off in a porn theater while you’re trying to enjoy the feature. The source of Gensler’s anger is in reality not that dudes are weird creeps, which everybody knows, but that people are having hetero sex. That’s bullshit. We won’t evolve as a society until dudes stop wanting to put their dicks into women, or at least pretend they don’t want to, or whatever stupid shit they teach you in Women’s Studies at the JuCo. I’ll go ahead and ignore self-righteous assholes like yourself, although I have made a few concessions such as having some Cheryl Crow on my iPod. We’re living in a new century. Fucking remains legal. Continue refreshing Gensler’s super important instagram account for any developments. Some of these guys are hilarious.