By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 1:16 PM
Mrs. Carter joined her husband in his 22-day vegan challenge when her staff alerted her to the fact that there’d not been a fresh news story on her in almost forty-eight hours. They were going to go with a cute mommy and me beach time story during her Jamaica tour stop, but when they arrived in Kingston, Beyonce’s handlers had to embarrassingly admit nobody could remember where the hell they had left Blue Ivy. So they switched to Pan B about the vegan nonsense. The search engine Bing recently named Beyonce as the most searched celebrity term in 2013, close in numbers to the most searched term overall which was ‘What the fuck is Bing?’
Photo Credit: Beyonce/Tumblr
By Travis December 05, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
A fun idea for a game show would be to name random female celebrities and ask contestants to tell us why those women are famous, because I bet that if the show’s host named Claudia Romani, a lot of people would be stumped. But then the easy thing to do would be to answer, “She’s a model” each time, because that would be the equivalent of answering C on a multiple choice test, as almost every female celebrity is some kind of model or reality star these days. So what would be the prize for the winner? Maybe a trip to Miami Beach to watch Claudia show off her ass. She’d probably be down for that.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis December 05, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Kim Kardashian raised some eyebrows recently when she stepped out of character on Twitter to angrily respond to a random Tweet that accused her of being a shitty mom since her kid isn’t even a year old and she’s on the road with Kanye West for his tour. Kim claimed that just because we don’t see her with baby North West every hour of the day, that doesn’t mean she’s not a good mom who doesn’t care for her child. And to prove her point, she conveniently stepped out of her New York City apartment yesterday with a stroller so all of the photographers could see her being a wonderful mother.
Still, it’s a shame none of the paparazzi asked, “What kind of cans are in that stroller?” because there’s a chance she would have answered, “Soup… I mean, baby.”
Photo Credit: Tom Meinelt/Splash News
By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 10:38 AM
Jay-Z has taken on the 22 day vegan challenge. Only he’s calling it ‘plant based diet’ instead of vegan because that’s what Jay-Z does. He tinkers with phrasing to mean the exact same thing then people throw money at him. For Jay-Z, this isn’t so much about evacuating his bowels as it is the spirituality of numbers. He turned 44 on December 3 when he began the 22-day challenge. 22 is half of 44 by Jay-Z’s calculations. His 22-day challenge will natural end on Christmas, the birth of Christ. You know how big rappers love them some self-Christ identification. Jay-Z is one of the many people in this world who are into the mysticism of numbers. There tends to be a strong correlation between these numbers diddlers and schizophrenia, delusion, and smelling like long-past-due dairy products. The good news for Jay-Z is that he’s so rich, when he starts wearing tin foil hats and making Beyonce piss on him to keep him undetectable by the inter-dimensional marauders, he’ll have the luxury of being called eccentric. Enjoy your quinoa salad, original gangster.
Photo Credit: WENN
By Travis December 05, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
After dominating the news cycle with her seemingly psychopathic tendencies earlier this year, Amanda Bynes has left her rehab facility in Malibu and is moving in with her parents in Los Angeles. The good news for her parents, according to People, is that while they “reestablish the loving relationship” they once had, they get to control all of her money. The bad news is that the number of fires that will be set in their driveway and animals’ lives that will be at risk has jumped 1,000%. In the meantime, the statement from the family’s attorney claims that she is now looking into attending college for fashion design, because there must be millions of women out there who can’t wait to line up at their local Sears to get their hands on “Batshit by Amanda Bynes.”
Photo Credit: WENN.com
By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 7:10 PM
Star Wars episode VII easily could have been hyped with a two-year long publicity campaign talking about a wonderful new era of science fiction that also pays deference to cinematic legend. But give credit to Disney for taking over the Star Wars franchise and being very forthright about how they intend to turn the cultural phenomenon into a total and utter piece of shit. Disney kicked off their Star Wars Is Going to Royally Suck awareness campaign by setting up an Instagram account for the sequel series and having Darth Vader post a kitschy selfie. It’s a very modern way to reinforce the sucky message. Sure, you could use a digitized version of Alec Guinness taking a crap into Carrie Fisher’s mouth, but that might actually give people the wrong impression that you’re trying to be interesting or innovative. Kudos to you Disney. You’re like that rare rapist who begs the authorities not to let him out of prison because he knows he’s dangerous.
By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 5:29 PM
I guess when you’re about to go to prison for smuggling your drug running boyfriend over the Canadian border, the idea of becoming a human host for the 138 pod babies doesn’t seem like such a bad turn. It’s certainly better than going to Canadian jail and seeing the place where Michael Bublé used to conjugal with his various prison pen pals. Colleen Shannon may go down in history as the mother of the alien bug invasion, but that’s superior to being remembered as what’s-her-name with the big tits.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 4:56 PM
Perez Hilton has a new reality show creatively called Gay Dads of New York. It’s being produced by the same people who make Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so you know it’s going to be completely unscripted and not the least bit trumped up creepy. The show is going to feature a number of larger than life gay dads including Perez Hilton, who according to Perez represent the new landscape of America:
What is your typical American family like? These days, it looks a lot like mine!
By typical, I think Perez means the infinitesimal percentage of family households in this country headed up by a single gay man. While even noted homophobe Alec Baldwin accepts Perez Hilton’s personal family values in 2013, Perez polling his four gay daddy friends leading fabulous lives in Manhattan as a random sample of America is a bit of a stretch. This sounds more like a TV project to get paid and to get laid. Nothing wrong with a little green and a little dick to keep daddy feeling warm through the winter.