J-Lo Relates

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

JLO

At a certain point you can squat down and take a shit in front of an intern for the Post and it will be deemed relatable. This is the situation Jennifer Lopez finds herself in. She mumbled some fantastically uninteresting information and had it printed in bold because she has good mammaries:

“I’m still Bronxy. I still wear hoops. I still like to rock sneakers and sweats. I always felt like I was out of place in Hollywood. But I also felt that the street smarts I had from growing up in New York served me well out here.”

Or would serve you well if out here wasn’t just a town full of displaced New Yorkers. You can’t go a block in Hollywood without somebody complaining about how the pizza isn’t like back home because it’s not made with the blood of Howard Beach race war victims. While Lopez’ choice of pants remains fascinating I’m not sure she’s worth the baggage at this point. Those Guatemalan chicks are happy to have close toed shoes and still think ceramic plates are fancy. Fuck this shit. Unless the prenup talks are canceled, I refuse to be her next gay husband.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

 

Emily Ratajkowski Understands Instagram

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 2:06 PM

Emily Ratajkowski Has A Good Instagram
This actress turned nude model turned actress with suddenly much better roles knows exactly how to play the game. Play the topless dancer in the song Robin Thicke borrowed from Marvin Gaye. Take a bath on Instagram. Be the Fappening chick who frigs herself so furiously that nearby tinder ignites. Let your vagina dance like nobody’s watching. You shall be our queen.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Taylor Swift Sells Incredible Things

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 1:00 PM

Stills From Taylor Swifts Fragrance Commercial Incredible Things
Taylor Swift has a new fragrance. As you can imagine, it’s just as irrepressibly fresh and flirty and fun as she is. With just a hint of cat pee and Sara Lee cheesecake bites to remind you of your own special destiny. It’s also based on her favorite watercolor hues and a bunch of other things that actually aren’t related to smell unless you’re tripping pretty hard.

The fragrances before this represented love. This fragrance represents life.
– Taylor Swift making shut up about her new perfume.

That seems like a heavy burden for a bunch of aromas concocted in a factory just north of Elko. I wouldn’t expect my scented Mitchum roll-on to represent life or friendship. Maybe just justice or fair trade or something do-able. Taylor Swift isn’t just a transformative music artist, she’s a brand who is going to suck the ever living soul out of your parent’s pocketbook. Because she can. And deep down, you want her too.

Photo Credit: Taylor Swift “Incredible Things”

Kate Hudson Is Single

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 12:13 PM

Kate Hudson Shows Off Atheletic Bod In Workout Gear
Every five years Kate Hudson composts her hemp diaphragm and lets a rock star make a baby inside of her. Get your discography together if you want to make a good looking kid. Not that you heard it from me, but I’d wait until you see the glassy stare in her eyes before you ask for intercourse proper. While waiting, why not sample some of her athletic gear. Fabletics. Kate came up with that name by combining the word athletics with the word fabliau, which is a polite French word for cum covered whore with canker sore lips. There are only so many domain names left.

Photo Credit: Fabletics

Mike Tyson Likes Mussolini And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 23, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

458594842

Former heavyweight champ and permanently concussed Mike Tyson said that he often tries to emulate Benito Mussolini. To be fair, Tyson didn’t really know that Mussolini was a vicious tyrant who raped and assaulted his own people. Or maybe he did.

Iron Mike + Il Duce = love. (TMZ)

Kayslee Collins topless is what makes this job so worthwhile. (Egotastic)

Seth Rogen says he’s sorry he pissed people off with his American Sniper tweets. (Huffington Post)

Miley Cyrus giving Patrick Schwarzenegger herpes simplex A in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Yara Khmidan looks hotter in lingerie than your girlfriend. (Popoholic)

Cara Delevingne posses topless. I can see now why she turns so many girls gay. (The Superficial)

It’s a sad day today as the Sky Mall catalog files for bankruptcy. (Dlisted)

Eugenie Bouchard Forced to Twirl (VIDEO)

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 11:19 AM

A  sports commentator asked female tennis star Eugenie Bouchard to take a twirl and show off her tennis outfit after her match win at the Australian Open. I was slack jaw waiting for the bobbies to arrive on kangaroos and beat the tar out of the old man with the mic. She’s a professional athlete. Just because she has tits doesn’t make her a fashion model. Although, she is a professional fashion model who has a sweet new deal with IMG Models Worldwide.  Still, you had no consent for a twirl. Why not just ask her to suck your dick and make you a sandwich, you fucking caveman.

Thank you to Jezebel for your consistency.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Miss Universe Costume Contest Went Well

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 10:15 AM

Miss USA Nia Sanchez
The Miss Universe pageant tried something new this year by having the girls wear costumes that represented their homelands as depicted in 1950′s era racist Atlases. Those ones where there were black tribalists with spears in the middle of Botswana. Miss Greece came out as a sheep being fucked by a shepherd being fucked by another guy. Miss India came out answering Microsoft customer service calls with a faux middle American accent, and somebody just came out as the Virgin Mary because who the fuck is going to tell the Virgin Mary to take a hike within 500 miles of the Florida panhandle. None of it really made any sense but thankfully nobody watches the Miss Universe pageant so there were few questions. All that’s left now is to wait to read the scandal about how Miss Ukraine has a secret prostitute past which should come as no revelation since her national costume choice was a whore beneath a red light blowing a Russian soldier who missed his mother’s cooking. People who say beauty pageants are anachronistic are people still watching beauty pageants so it’s hard to take them seriously.

Photo Credit: INF

Oregon Woman Finds God in Her Yoga Pants

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 9:32 AM

16829396-mmmain

A hot looking young Christian mom talked to God and God told her to stop wearing stretch pants in public. Jesus is kind of busy this time of year picking winners in football games, so just a break she even got through. Veronica Patridge talked to her  husband and he confessed that he found lust in his heart when he saw other women’s asses in yoga pants. Patridge decided leggings were simply not biblical. Even though the bible actually says nothing about leggings, or provocative clothing at all. It mostly just advises men not to shtup their slave wives during their monthlies and to be kind to their prostitutes.

God also told Patridge she should blog her yoga pants revelation to spread the message about gaping camel toes in public.

And at that moment, I made a personal vow to myself and to my husband. I will no longer wear thin, form-fitting yoga pants or leggings in public. The only time I feel (for myself) it is acceptable to wear them, is if I am in the comfort of my own home or if I am wearing a shirt long enough to cover my rear end. 

She’s not actually giving up leggings, she’s just going to buy some trendy tops at Forever 21 to cover her ass cheeks. Smart move. God would not want you wasting all those Lululemon pants that swaddle your gams so nicely. Attractive Christian women have all sorts of problems you can’t imagine. It’s God’s way of testing them. I have given you the gift to create raging boners, now, don’t ever use it. Psyche.

Photo credit: Allison Harp/Courtesy of Veronica Partridge)/OregonLive.com