The theme of today seems to be young women with a career plan. I don’t like themes, if I were picking themes I wouldn’t choose that, but just seems to be how it’s turning out. This Russian singer slash red carpet photo bomber slash human wrestling turnbuckle just got plain about it in the streets of Los Angeles, holding up a sign asking rich guys for money. I suppose she’ll credit it as a prank. Like when you tell the undercover vice cop you were just joking when you asked for a happy ending in your hotel room. Vice cops have a tremendous sense of humor. They’ll usually belly laugh, kick you some Subway coupons, and tell you to be on your way. If I were offering fatherly advice, I’d encourage Vollanova to stash some cash in that whale tail and apply some Pilates to those haunches. This could be more fruitful than that week at DeVry.
The Cowboys team toddler approach to raising Dez Bryant with a village of monitors has worked to the extent that Bryant hasn’t been busted yet for murder or not sorting his recycling or something that would result in Lady Justice taking away his double digit TD catches a year for the Cowboys. But the entourage can’t control the past.
Adam Schefter of ESPN is reporting the existence of a Walmart parking lot security tape of Bryant brutally yanking his girlfriend about like a rag doll in the hands of a young future serial killer. The police had previously investigated this incident back in 2011 but Bryant and his entourage and the girl all circled around a story about her being beat up by a third party not Bryant and Bryant coming to save her. The cops seemed to buy it. Let’s go Boyz! That was pre-tape.
Given the current state of the NFL sort of kind of admitting they have a domestic abuse image problem, this video coming to light probably means an end to Dez Bryant’s NFL career. The shark’s can smell the blood from miles away. His own mom’s on tape now talking about Bryant tearing her shirt and smacking her around a bit in 2012. Stories like this should start flowing faster than CosRape bandwagon speed. Bryant’s so far responded only with a tweet that winds up:
I’m not ashamed of none of my past incidents because that’s what made me who I am today.
I’m pretty sure that’s a valid legal defense in Sweden. In Texas, they make you watch as they shoot your dog then use a rusty hatchet to sever your calves.
Kid Rock used to dip his wick in vegan PETA member Pam Anderson but now he flaunts an otter skin coat because he fucking can. This is America. We kill otters when we need to, we kill them when we don’t. Fuck the otters. They’d do the same to us if they could.
Read all about Kid Rock’s subtle pro-dead things message. (TMZ)
Miley Cyrus hates bras because Miley Cyrus. (Egotastic)
Sparked by silent outrage over how horribly staged Teen Mom was, MTV is banking on the fact that you’ll miss how horribly staged their ‘open book’ Teen Mom OG sequel series is. For the sake of their twin masters of Satan and the almighty dollar, MTV reassembled the original gang of chromosomally challenged teen moms to stage them in a series of fake fights, altercations, and some real arrests off camera for substance abuse. If MTV is lucky, they’ll get a suicide. Ratings bump pound explodes. The premise here is that cameras are filming the cameramen so nothing can be faked. If that makes any sense to you, you probably didn’t really earn that high school diploma.
In the teaser trailer, MTV is pushing the conceit that none of the young meth moms are aware that the contemptible Farrah Abraham is returning for the sequel series. Why would you bring back the one cast member with any commercial recognition. Girls who’ve had babies, been imprisoned, buried dead boyfriends, filmed porn, and slung drugs all before nineteen often produce looks of extreme shock at unexpected production notes. The day China produces Teen Mom, Drown Girl Baby, you’ll know maybe we have a chance to ever catch them again.
Damn these death water merchants are prolific. This chick I believe they found stocking shelves at the packy around the corner, handed her a pink thong and fifty bucks, and told her her motivation was she’s being raped, but in the fun way. In case you’re wondering, you could hook this same situation up on any block along Sunset for the same fifty. For a hundred you could walk away with the photos and the uneasy feeling it’s going to hurt like hell to pee in the morning. Commerce is beautiful. This girl isn’t half bad either.
The Kardashian billy goat gruffs are fond of repeating the mantra about never having plastic surgery, rotocast chest humps aside. What they fail to mention is the World War II level industrial complex engaged to plug their cavities with wax, collagen, Amazonian toad venom, pickled creamed herring, and tan bark. If you’ve ever seen a cement truck being filled at the yard, you have some visual idea of the upkeep on these quasi arthropodal blow beasts. Khloe Kardashians big frame is the last real thing on her body. Once she has all the bones in her body cracked so she can be reformed into a fashionable size, she will be more quikrete than human and stationed in her mother’s front yard as a tomb marker for the buried Kardashian fetuses, 2003-2007. Cinch a little tighter. We’re on a schedule.
Give Chelsea Handler some credit. When people stopped looking, she mixed things up. Change or die. Shove your mams in Whitney Cumming’s face. It’s fresh. A couple comedienne sevens gay baiting Instagram during their respective forever hiatuses from television. Next pic she’s titty fucking the new Ray Lewis statue or I’m canceling my subscription again.
Whoring used to be a surreptitious profession. Girls had cover jobs like waitress or Macy’s makeup counter associate and you wondered how they could afford an Audi. Maybe their daddy was rich or they lost a lung as a child from elementary school asbestos and had a trust fund. You didn’t go straight to whore. Now the working girls are emblazoning their career choices on social media.
Aspiring model and DJ, Gabi Grecko, got herself on some low rent reality show called Club Kids New York on the Axis Channel. The Axis Channel is available only in Tribeca west of Broadway and certain parts of Bulgaria if the seventh son of the seventh son stands on the roof with rabbit ears. Her sexual behavior on the show carries over to her social media pages where she posts tons of pictures of her tits. Enough photos to get elderly Australian playboy Geoffrey Edelstein interested in having her rub grapefruits on his cock while he tries to stay awake. It’d be easy to discredit Grecko, but she has a more capitalistic mentality than the rest of her millennial cohorts. She’s not looking for a handout, simply waking up every morning and taking her prized hogs to market. We used to call that America. Somebody pin a medal on this chick. Or old man sperm. Though your credit card will be billed for the latter.