By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 11:44 AM
Like every rich person in Hollywood not named Gene Simmons, Adam McKay feels super fucking guilty. He’s the SNL writer who teamed up with Will Ferrell on all his comedy movies and is now worth about $40 million. The two also launched Funny or Die together with their Landlord video and a bunch of other shorts before turning the reigns over to the general public ensuring that only one out of a thousand videos would henceforth be watchable.
Now McKay has created his signature piece for Funny or Die. A My Little Pony cartoon spoof to serve as a JuCo lecture on income inequality, the ills of capitalism, and why America sucks for not paying Burger King employees better wages. McKay got several of his wealthy entertainer friends to help create this video so Madame Defarge might knit them onto the short list of rich people not to kill when the revolution goes down . The video is neither funny or amusing, it’s a talking points memo from the Daily Kos posing as a satire, all of which is fine, except that he’s using it as signature comedy material on Funny or Die.
Just because a guy’s getting $2 million to write Talladega Nights while the teacher writing his kid’s school lesson plan is making $20 an hour doesn’t mean he can’t lecture others on income inequality. I’m down with not having to be the average Joe to want to fight for the average Joe. But cartoon solutions about sticking it to the evil rich and corporations paying janitors enough to buy the new Corolla is just shtick designed to make you feel less guilty about being a college drop out who gets paid a ton to make people giggle. You earned it, a-hole. Nobody hates you for it save for yourself. Put down the crucifix and get yourself another Lambo. Drive to the local Burger King and buy some shit. That’s how the economy actually works. When you’re there, order some extra Whoppers for your house staff and announce that Funny Or Die is closing shop. It’s time.
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 11:10 AM
Kaley Cucoco received her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame after her PayPal for $49.95 cleared and she agreed to make herself look as old and unattractive as possible for a 28-year old with nice tits. The notion that the star in the cement in front of a head shop is synonymous with a profound entertainment career has long since passed. They’re giving them out to boy bands and as settlements for girls who survived molestations while working as Student #7 in Disney afternoon fare. I’m forever intrigued by the way people accept honors they can’t possibly feel like they deserve. Would Kaley Cuoco accept an award for Inspiring African American Actress? A Purple Heart from the Handsomest President ever? I know she’s been in Barbie commercials since her parents sold her to the circus at five, but in her twenties with one TV show under her belt, she has to feel a little awkward accepting a league of legends type award. Some of us have to pee on that street late at night. I wish they’d show it more respect.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 10:39 AM
I don’t know precisely when parental intervention is necessitated, but if this were my daughter, after milking her for millions in merchandising deals, I’d probably tough love her into a nunnery somewhere in the Alps until she was able to raise the escape cash . Sure you intentionally raised a jaded and emotionally empty whore child, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pretend it’s not your fault and blame the Internet or sex in movies or Abercrombie ads. Have a good cry on Oprah, people will believe you.
You simply can’t have your seventeen year old daughter offering up her submissive sex in front of millions of other moderate to low levels of intelligence teen girls. Red Bull product placement monies aside. We can’t afford the resulting baby boom. Not with a ton of illegal immigrants still needing jobs.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 9:49 AM
Damn if The AIDS charity events aren’t just bringing out the best in all of us. The Keep a Child Alive ball was the sight of so much celebrity tits last night, four gay men who would otherwise have had unprotected sex in the coat room got confused and perhaps saved a life. I don’t need to repeat myself on how effective boobs are in raising money. That goes for charities, doctor’s offices pharmaceutical sales, and grade school dunk tank fundraisers. They just make a man feel generous. The event itself honored the artistic director of Givenchy for donating thousands of silk scarf irregulars to the Congo to be used as prophylactics during higher risk forced intercourse in the bush. Also, open bar. Enough said.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 9:35 AM
Naya Rivera knows there are kids in need of some UNICEF somewhere in this world. She doesn’t fool around. Tits, ass, no underwear, now are you feeling generous, you global pillaging American one-percenter? I typically earmark my United Nations contributions toward the legal bills of U.N. representatives who go too far with escorts in New York hotels. Also, to some of their more convoluted anti-Semitic undertakings. But I can spare a little coin for Naya Rivera’s flesh pockets. Kids in famine stricken countries in Africa can’t live off Madonna baby bribe money alone. I just cut a check. Now I’m going to lower my global citizen pants and rub one out to Naya’s boobs. Everybody wins.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 9:03 AM
SNL cast member Michael Che fucked himself in the online reputation ass by mocking the ‘Catcalling’ video circling the Internet like so many burning bras. The hidden camera video (below) depicts what life is like for reasonably attractive women in reasonably form fitting wear walking up and down the sexist streets of New York. A near constant barrage of ‘Hey, honey, I got your Empire State building right here’. The hood rat, the vagrant, the random shady dude, they’re all creating a gauntlet of audible torment for the fairer sex. Michael Che tried to make a funny on Twitter about the scourge of catcalling and put himself on the ignition switch for feminist blogger blast off.
Here’s what I know. If you’re really fat or really short or have a disability or deformity, or merely just tits, you can create a hidden camera video where you walk around New York and random people will belittle you. As Welcome Ambassador to New York, Taylor Swift ought to address this shit. Even though we can’t change crude human behavior, especially in rough densely populated urban environments, we can make speeches condoning it and pretend something was done. That’s called politics.
There are two things you can count on from feminist bloggers covering a story of female harassment. First, they too have suffered such indecencies. One columnist wrote that she has suffered nasty comments and catcalling every day of her four years living in New York (solution: Kansas now has the Internet). Second, everything is tantamount to rape in the rape culture where raping rapists rape the living rape out of women with their raping eyes, their raping words, and their raping thoughts. Not to belittle catcalling, it’s the obnoxious sport of losers, but it’s not rape. Rapists are those relatively small number of guys who need to be shot in the head or locked up for life to be raped by other rapists. Catcallers need to be punched in the nose. I wish Hammurabi were still alive, he could explain this better.
I’ve never catcalled a woman in my life. I’ve known from the start I’m in that rather large category of guys who has to make a little effort to get women. The idea of leading with my inner asshole never seemed to fit that strategy. I’m sure it sucks for women that some percentage of men are socially retarded douchebags, but most aren’t. Rape culture labeling is just as bad as catcalling. Save the inciting words for when they really count. What do you mean there’s no room left in the 4:00 spin class? Rape!
By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 8:08 AM
Suge Knight and Katt Williams stole a female paparazzi’s camera in Beverly Hills because they are working on their Guinness Record rap sheet stats. It seems like taking a camera when it’s pointed in your face by a chick in recovery should have a legal exemption. Not the case, it’s still stealing. Knight was arrested in Vegas while Williams was arrested in court where he was already appearing for a separate charge and put into a special room for people they don’t know what to do with.
At this point it seems Knight wants to visit prison to order more gang hits and Williams is seeking arrest to garner material about how oppressed he is. When the two of them are together don’t make any plans. Knight hasn’t gone hours without a probable felony since he was kicked out of kindergarten for smuggling. Couple that with a crackhead who lacks impulse control and this is what happens. The photographer now lives in fear for her life:
“The thing I’m concerned about is my private information, because Suge Knight’s a dangerous person. Suge Knight’s a dangerous guy.”
Why? Because he likes to hang people out of windows and you can’t put him down him with earthly bullets? In that case you may want to avoid stalking him and harassing him with your janky pap antics. Alec Baldwin might call you a dyke faggot cunt but Suge Knight will have your legs broken along with the barista who over-foamed his latte earlier. Honestly, you’re probably already dead. I’d come to terms now with the irony of being a paparazzi who worries about an invasion of her privacy. Jesus is going to want to hear this one.
By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 7:43 AM
Former MSNBC host and regular channel change motivator Donny Duetsch lost a lawsuit because he went behind his realtor’s back when brokering a deal. Deutsch is the son of a billionaire and apparently figured he didn’t need to pay his realtor’s commission free because God made less rich people for rich people to shit upon. His realtor brought him a potential buyer for his $30 million dollar crash house. Instead of brokering the deal through the realtor, Duetsch just contacted the buyer directly and did the deal without him. This thought briefly goes through anyone’s mind until they realize they have a conscience, or lacking that, a contract. The judge lambasted Deutsch for being an entitled fake glasses wearing prick:
“This court considers that and refusal to acknowledge [realtor] as the broker to be marks of dishonesty and greed… Both characteristics are particularly unbecoming when exhibited by those blessed with great wealth”
The commission owed is $1.2 million. It’s mildly irritating that some Coldwell Banker tool with a convertible can simply arrange a meeting between two rich people and earn that kind of cash. But that’s why you employ them. If you don’t want to hire a realtor you’re going to have to check your own email and make yourself available on weekends and buy lots of potpourri and hot pockets. But you don’t have that kind of time. That’s why you pay the big bucks after the judge calls you an asshole.
Photo Credit: Twitter