Jose Canseco Is a Rapscallion of Sorts

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 1:54 PM

Jose-Canseco-Gun

Jose Canseco’s finger didn’t actually drop off during a poker game in Vegas after all. Driven by a mix of steroids, an unbridled passion for attention, and what can only be described as a less than moderate level of aptitude, it’s really impossible to know what this whimsical bastard will conjure up next. Jose claims he did actually shoot off his middle finger when cleaning his gun or trying to end his life or perhaps raping a farmer’s favorite goat. But the finger never fell off again nor was it ever for sale on Ebay nor has Canseco contributed anything to society besides a list of names of PED users in baseball and promising to stop putting himself in a position to have women call the cops on him so frequently. He also has a hot teen daughter which is a something. You could try to keep the middle finger story straight or just chalk this up to nobody should’ve give a fuck if any Jose Canseco appendage falls off in the first place. Until it’s his head then we’re going to want to blow some noisemakers or something.

Photo credit: Joe Canseco/Twitter: That’s his fucking finger blowing gun

Alessandra Ambrosio Isn’t Latin

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 1:33 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Wears Busty Short Dress At Latin Grammy Awards
A guy once tried to punch me for calling Brazilians, Latinos. Because I obviously am deeply versed in the colonial studies of South America, which gay priests killed which natives and took over which countries before being handed over to bearded dictators in a revolving door of coupes, counter coupes, and decade after decade of the same fucking music that was super popular on West African radio in the late 18th century. I barely remember my own country’s origins. What I do remember has been modified to ‘those dudes raped people with smallpox and owned slaves and we hate them now’. I got nothing, Brazilians. I know you don’t speak Spanish, you speak Portuguese, which is Spain’s next door neighbor and you look the same to me and smell like paella. What I meant to say was, there’s Brazilian Alessandra Ambrosio and her boobs at the Latin Grammy’s. Let’s go crack her over the skull with some maracas.

Photo Credit: The Grosby Group/AKM-GSI

Amy Jackson Wears A Bikini

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 12:31 PM

Amy Jackson Wears A Bikini
You may be asking yourself, why is Amy Jackson in a bikini? Or, more to the point, who the fuck is Amy Jackson.? She’s a British model who acts a lot in Indian movies. If you’ve recently caught a double feature in Mumbai recently on break from your underaged sex tourism,  you’ve probably seen her doing coordinated dance moves to some really shitty sitar music. She looks pretty damn good in the kind of swimwear women used to wear in Vegas before they started inviting people with fat kids from red states. No offense red states, it’s glandular. But nobody wants to pair their pearls with early onset Type 2 diabetes. They shine less bright.

Photo Credit: James Rudland

Jennifer Lopez Ass Is Concerning

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

Jennifer Lopez Booty In Spandex While Visiting A Music Studio In LA
The American Music are the Grammy Awards for people under fifty who like shitty music. The AMA’s have always separated themselves by showing more young pop stars doing more ass grinding than the Grammy’s though less than the VMAs which is porn with auto-tune. TMZ reports the AMA’s are concerned that Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea might do something overly provocative during their performance of the classic music piece, Booty. The video is pretty  shocking if you haven’t watched any pop or rap videos of the past decade. Iggy Azalea quickly allayed everybody’s fears that the show might actually be worth watching:

‘We haven’t been asked to make any changes and there are no plans to expose anyones nipples or vaginas… but.. okay tmz if you say sooooo. With that being said, we aren’t performing in turtleneck sweaters either…. hahahahaha ;-).’

Thanks educationally challenged fifth grade girl. What about those of us who love chicks in turtlenecks? I’m now confident I can skip the AMA’s and not feel like I missed the lunar landing because I was masturbating to Bonanza. I’m happy to wait for your sex tape.

Photo Credit: Splash/FameFlynet

North West: Stripper Baby And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Kim Kardashian said she will be proud when North West inevitably also poses nude. She also said she has a bunch of other hopes for her daughter, but who honestly pays attention once a mom says she can’t wait for her toddler to get naked for the cameras.

Read all about Kim’s wonderful parenting. (The Superficial)

Iggy Azalea is not impressed by Eminem’s rape threats. (TMZ)

Hey, wanna see Christina Milian’s nipple? (Drunken Stepfather)

Alena Blohm is ja gooden frau in lingerie. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jehane Gigi Paris does it again in these smoking hot bikini pics. (Popoholic)

Giada De Laurentiis doesn’t swallow. (Dlisted)

Old busted ass Mickey Rourke is going back to boxing. (MoviePilot)

Bella Thorne Seems Wise for Her Years

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 10:15 AM

Bella Thorne In Busty Stills From Red Band Society
I’m not sure how old this chick’s stage parents say she is today, she seems ready for the classic Hollywood hazing of a visit to the Cosby bungalow and a topless role in a movie nobody sees directed by a second generation celebrity kid. If she does the Cosby rung first, she probably won’t even realize she did the second, so I’d schedule them close together. More importantly, I’m booking seats to her mall tour next summer when we pretend she’s a singer and she can flash her baby making parts accidentally on purpose without everybody without the dude from Dateline jumping out to confront us.

Photo Credit: Fox

Michael Phelps Girlfriend Has a Secret

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 9:13 AM

 

Taylor-Lynn-Chandler

Taylor Lianne Chandler decided Facebook was the best place to reveal to her boyfriend Michael Phelps that she was born David with a tiny wee wee. Not a boy, but Intersex, forcing journalists this morning to look up the word and figure out how to use it in the politically correct manner. Taylor had hormones and surgery as a teen to become the girl he was born to be. She was born to be. And then dated and married a few guys she kind of forgot to tell about her new vagina, which shouldn’t really be anybody’s business, unless maybe you happen to be inside of it trying to extend your family lineage and she keeps telling you to imagine babies and it will happen.

Michael Phelps has spent the better part of last month in rehab for his last DUI, which makes Taylor’s ‘I’m dating Michael Phelps’ revelation rather convenient since nobody else seems to be aware of their mad love affair. Taylor insists they met on Tinder, have met for dates in person, and are madly in love. Just in case nobody believed her, she saved a few personal items:

“[M]my phone with the messages between Michael and I is locked up in a safety deposit box in Florida. I also have a 17,000-page forensic report showing everything — all the geo scans, the cellphone tower signals, the pings. And they’re coming from his phone.”

Compared to being born with confused genitalia, a 17,000 page forensic report on a guy who you met on Tinder and drunk banged you after a Ravens game seems normal. I hope we can step back for a minute and realize the wonderful contributions of Intersexed inventors, doctors, and female tennis players and not hold the group accountable for the actions of one over-zealous member.

Lady Gaga Inks Mother Monster

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 8:36 AM

Lady Gaga Shows Off New Tattoo Next To Side Boob While Wearing An A Jester Outfit In The UK
Lady Gaga got another ode to her monster fan meme tattooed near her tits so that men would reflexively be forced to see it. The singer only inks the left hemisphere of her frame, saving the right side for self-injuring cigarette burns and future organ donor markups. This whole Mother Monster and Little Monster online relationship could easily have gone off the rails into suicide cultish tangents but the poor physical conditioning and agoraphobia of her fan base has limited the mindless mob to overly aggressive Tweets. Their punishment is five years of their life spent listening to Lady Gaga music that they will never get back. That’s more than enough.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet