By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 1:29 PM
Porn companies learned long ago that their fucking needed context to stand out in world filled with random ass to mouth clips. Horribly conceived pop culture parodies were one strain that grew out of that strategic session in the Valley. Now, in a moment where crap comes full circle, the porn parodies are parodying the parodies of Weird Al Yankovic. This comes as a result of Weird Al’s comedy album opening number one on the Billboard Music Charts. WoodRocket adult entertainment naturally asked a couple porn stars to take their tops off and parody Weird Al’s 1989 film UHF. UHF makes total sense for a parody since it was out 25 years ago and nobody saw it. In contrast, Weird Al has always had an ingenious means to select the targets of his musical parodies. He picks popular songs. If any of you can get yourself off watching porn girls dressed as Weird Al or Emo Philips, all the power to you. Please don’t come back.
Photo Credit: WoodRocket.com
By Jack July 25, 2014 @ 12:58 PM
Zack Snyder revealed another look at Ben Affleck as Batman and it’s worse than we could have imagined. Ben Affleck’s stupid ass chin sticking out of that cowl feels like my inner child is getting kicked in the nuts. Effeminate controlling ass chin Batman is going to suck.
See more of Affleck ruining your childhood.(Dlisted)
Nina Agdal all sweaty in a bikini is why I get up in the morning. (Drunken Stepfather)
Megan Fox causes Comic-Con nerds to cum in their Chewbacca costumes. (Popoholic)
Harry Potter tells us about the time he got his V card punched. (Huffington Post)
Jennette McCurdy’s lingerie Instagram pics make my wiener happy. (The Superficial)
Nicola Peltz in a bikini? You’re welcome. (COED)
Paris Hilton and her lazy eye eat Carl’s Jr. burgers all sexy. (Fishwrapper)
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 12:27 PM
Jennette McCurdy has left Nickelodeon either because at 22 she no longer wants to be criticized for being a horrible role model for young girls every time she cracks a beer open with her ample tits or because they wouldn’t pay her enough to keep up the charade of tween innocence. Things all started going downhill when Jenette’s NBA boyfriend maybe leaked private photos of her in her lingerie. It was kind of a 1-2 I’m naughty and I’m boning a black man punch for the Nickelodeon audience moms of America. I guess they missed her 5,000 body selfies posted to Instagram previously. The most recent one of her tits and stomach above. Jennette has had enough of the backlash. She posted a Charles Barkley I’m no role model rant on Reddit:
To remove myself from the role model battle, the falsified standard set by the bubblegum industry, is — in my eyes — to remove myself from the counterintuitive battle of attempting to be something perfect while being glaringly aware of my imperfections.
I think that makes sense. She likes cock and showing off her tits and wants to smoke some weed without being called a whore traitor. and horrible role model for young girls. When she’s truly ready for that conversion, she’ll start speaking more plainly and less like a Vassar Freshman in her first English Lit class. Until then, make them feel your wrath, Jennette. Post some really raunchy shit. Make them all pay!
Photo Credit: Jennette McCurdy/Instagram
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 11:42 AM
Michelle Lewin keeps her taint positioned eternally toward Orion’s Belt, with Orion being the Latino pimp who smuggled her out of Venezuela and taught her how to spit polish her bare ass for the gringos. Everything Michelle does, from checking her text messages to giggling at Sabado Gigante like no American could, she does with her ass tilted up toward the heavens. I’d complain, but it’s fucking amazing.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 11:12 AM
Hey, Akram, you just sacked Mosul, what are you going to do next?
I’m slicing off Iraqi girl clits. Okay, yes, at Disneyworld.
Islamic radicals seem really into desecrating, beating, and mutilating women. It’s a weird obsession seen more commonly in ritualistic serial killers profiled on Dateline NBC specials.
According to reports, those new ISIS Islamists taking over Iraq have ordered that all Iraqi women between the ages of 11 and 46 report to the nearest Mosul Starbucks for genital mutilation. If you’re 47 or over, you’re grandmothered into your clit. Congratulations. Though you’re still not allowed to have sex or touch yourself without sentence of death for seven lifetimes. Many on the ground are claiming this ‘fatwa’ from ISIS might be a hoax planted in the media as Islamic Fundamentalists don’t typically practice Female Genital Mutilation, preferring to stick with the old standards of Honor Killings, Tire Burnings, Stonings, and giddily sending four-year old girls off to be deflowered on their wedding nights. Either way, the women under their regime are not being gifted dildos and pirated Adrien Zmed VHS tapes and told to flick it old school.
Just because women in Iraq are having their feet chopped off for being caught in open toed sandals doesn’t mean American women should shut the hell up about how sexy shoe ads in US Weekly are barbaric. But they should certainly consider that option.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 10:03 AM
As hip and cool as the days at Comic-Con, much like the Spring Break in Lauderdale or United Nations junkets, it’s what happens after the sun goes down that really defines the craziness. Seventeen virgin males assembled at the Sin City 2 party to witness girls bussed in from Tijuana at five bucks a head to dance with pasties on their tits. Fat Wonder Woman was there again. There are actually over 2,000 Fat Wonder Women at Comic-Con so this may not be the same one. It does seem to be the superhero of choice for the women who’ve come to be comfortable with how God and Haagen-Dazs made them. After the hookers danced, a donkey was brought up on stage and in a surprise twist, went down on one of the girls. El burro es un animal majestuoso IGN later passed out Magic The Gathering cheats and diet Yoo-hoos and everybody was tucked in by 9:30 at the Marriott. Comic-Con is the best of us.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 9:31 AM
The long-awaited Love Magazine is out with photos of Kendall Jenner covering her tits with her elbows. I don’t actually know anybody who was waiting for this precisely, but long-awaited makes everything but taking a leak sound better. Kendall is featured on the cover as the American Girl, which makes sense, since she is technically American. Also, in a recent poll where people were asked to use one word to describe Kendall, American came in 1,057th, just ahead of well-reasoned and just behind furrypoptartslut. I don’t begrudge the British Love Magazine for their nonsensical labeling of American girls. We here still believe all British girls are shrieking harpies with Cockney accents and bad teeth. Though our misconceptions are actually true. The idea that Kendall Jenner is being pushed as the typical American around the world simply means we have no shame, we are coming for your money, and there’s little you can do to resist. That’s kind of bad-ass actually. Whore are better than tanks.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
Depending upon your tolerance for the drink in the middle of the day, you can enjoy yourself checking out the cosplay girls at the world’s largest convention of nerds, geeks, fanboys and the even smarter people who take their money. Girls with chub rub in homemade superhero costumes tend to do better around 1:17 am at Halloween parties, but Comic-Con is like a starved trout pond of horny dudes with paunches. These ravenous male fish have spent the past year holed up in their basement apartments giving their credit card numbers to hot married MILFs in their neighborhood who pop-undered on their browsers. The amount of ejaculate uncontrollably spewed inside comfort fit Dockers at Comic-Con is in quantity enough to fill John Travolta’s bathtub. And don’t think he’s not imagining that. Go nerds. Wander purgatory.
Photo Credit: Splash