The Speaker of the House Might’ve Diddled Some Teens

By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 2:09 PM

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When you learn that your son’s former wrestling coach was engaged in sexual misconduct during his time as a teacher, all you’re really thinking is, oh, man, please let this turn out he was banging underaged girls. Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was indicted because apparently you’re not allowed to hide $1.7 million dollars in hush money payments to people who saw you do something nasty in the school boiler room. You need to let the IRS know about this shit. Dear IRS, I fucked a couple sophomores but they were asking for it, just let me know if I owe you any taste on the extortion payments. I’d appreciate some discretion. I’m in the Kiwanis.

Nobody knows yet exactly what Hastert did back during his high school wrestling coach days, but let’s assume if you’re paying nearly two mill to keep it quiet, it was more than pulling the fire alarm as a prank. Given that Hastert was a Congressman, and a leading one at that, there is a 88% chance he was a no good lying creep with a shady past buried somewhere in his home state. Congressional elections are akin to assembling a pirate crew for the Black Pearl. Hastert was beloved mostly just for being a fat wrestling coach. We inherently assume fat guys are normal beer drinking buddies who always have your back. It sucks when you learn your favorite fat buddy is fucking your underaged daughter. Though not as bad maybe as when you learn you made him second in line of succession to the Presidency.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Cruel Intentions Reunion

By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 1:16 PM

Cruel Intentions Reunion With Sarah Michelle Gellar Reese Witherspoon And Selma Blair
The cast of Cruel Intentions reunited after sixteen years to commemorate the last movie any of them made that anybody saw. Some joked how lucky Brandon Lee was to die on the set of his 90′s breakout film, but nobody laughed because it was simply too painful. It’s tough to peak at twenty. Far worse to never have peaked at all. The film itself was merely Dangerous Liaisons re-set in the world of rich New York prep school kids, with the role of Lena Dunham played by people you were hoping would get naked. The movie set in motion of series of bad marriages and relationships between cast members that would leave each with various babies and sores that would linger well past the lifespan of the film itself. Reunions are a tricky business. The best strategy remains to get hair plugs and bring along a hot escort. When anybody asks what you do, respond, what don’t I do. Then order your escort to blow you. Hack.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Getty

Miley Cyrus Hairy Pits And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 29, 2015 @ 11:00 AM

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Miley Cyrus released a picture showing some pretty serious armpit hair because when you’re young and rich and short of attention getting ideas besides beaver shots, it’s going to come up on your list.

See the offensive hair here. (Drunken Stepfather)

Is Justin Bieber pretending to be straight again with Selena Gomez? (TMZ)

John Meyer and Katy Perry are writing a shitty song together about Taylor Swift. (Dlisted)

Samantha Hoopes eats a burger all sexylike. (COED)

Hot ladies of softball? i know, it sounds weird but it’s true. (Busted Coverage)

Karina Jelinek does yoga in a bikini like you do. (Hollywood Tuna)

Edita Vilkeviciute bikini goodness. (Popoholic)

Kylie Jenner and Pia Mia Perez Spandex Truants

By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 10:34 AM

Kylie Jenner Holds Hands With Pia Mia Perez
Kylie Jenner’s 957th unexcused absence from school was a day well spent. The Jenner daughter sorted out her feelings on chemtrails and dad’s nationally televised castration by grabbing brothel locker partner Pia Mia Perez and rebooting Adrian Lyne’s Foxes along Rodeo Drive. If nobody sees your camel toe, do you really exist? I’ll leave that to Socrates. Kylie has been forced to shoot down rumors once again this week that she’s carrying Tyga’s baby, reiterating her confidence that you can’t get pregnant from casual ass sex if you dookie immediately after. Book learning is overrated. It’s all about brief educational pamphlets.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Pixie Lott Nip Slip In Cannes

By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 9:37 AM

Pixie Lott Nip Slip In Cannes
Pixie Lott is a supremely British looking singer who had a whole bunch of pop songs you’d know if you were a pedophile trying to lure girls into the back of your lorry with knowledge of tween music. That might be unfair, even if entirely true. Instead of bitching about having to dress like a lady at the Cannes film festival, Pixie Lott just went ahead and flashed her nipples. Is that lady enough for you? This being France and progressive, most of the men just turned their eyes toward the ground and muttered a phrase that translates roughly to ‘I sauna with Francois but we just look’.

Photo Credit: Getty

Stefanie Knight Topless Bikini Drop

By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 9:25 AM

Stefanie Knights Pink Bikini Comes Off
This might be my favorite fucking rock on the entire California coast line. It’s the one all these chicks in these bogus water ads are clinging to topless like mussels instinctively hanging on for one more spawning season. Just a few more turns of the brutal tide and my primordial responsibilities are concluded. I’m talking about the titty model now. One day one of them is going to figure out what their parents and friends already know but are too kind to tell them, there are no such thing as topless product ads. I wonder how long digital photographs last?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kelly Brook Banging Her Trainer

By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Kelly Brook Aitkins Diet
Somehow the Ellen produced sit-com about happy go lucky lesbian cliches got canceled. No matter. She didn’t need the money and the bodies of those who let her down are now buried in her backyard as a reminder to Portia not to run. This left Kelly Brook jobless after just a few episodes and months of grueling workouts to lose the last twenty for television. She turned lemons into lemonade by fucking the personal trainer who helped her drop the weight. Fitness trainers get all the tail of professional athletes without ever having to show proof of elite talent. Also, the girls know better than to keep a trainer anchor baby. It’s a genius racket.

Photo Credit: Atkins

Seismologist Needs Her Faults Greased

By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 7:48 AM

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US Geological Survey seismologist Dr Lucy Jones went to the premier of the earthquake disaster movie San Andreas and live tweeted her scientific critiques of the film. Doing either of these things alone would make you an asshole. There’s a special place in hell for people who use their cell phones during a movie and it’s located right next to the clown rape station for people who go out of their way to inform you of the scientific or historical inaccuracies of movies. I know George Clooney still isn’t straight in outer space. Shut the fuck up now. An example of her relishing the opportunity to yell about earthquakes on the Internet since people turn the other way at parties to get more Gardetto’s despite the fact they give you bad breath or perhaps on purpose:

“First big howler. San Andreas the movie pretends that California has a subduction zone. We can only have a M8.2″

Jones then imparted her followers to not garner their seismology lessons from Hollywood movies, but a more appropriate venue like Twitter which lets you read a whopping sentence at a time. It’s a movie. People with jobs don’t have time to inject PEDs and eat cartons of eggs all day like Dwyane Johnson but I’ll leave my degree on the wall when lecturing you on it. It’s fake but that’s beside the point. If I see that phone out again I’m calling the usher. Failing that it’s a good day to tour the county jail. Five stars.

Photo Credit: Twitter