Nick Cannon and Amber Rose Working Magic

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Nick Cannon With Amber Rose While He DJs At Drais Nightclub In Las Vegas
The island of misfit toys production of dumped spouses with very hidden talents had Nick Cannon DJing at a nightclub in Las Vegas with Amber Rose at his side. The two discussed the tribulations of being ass puppets for more successful partners and how far buffed body parts might get you in life on your own. Then they snorted a few rails and cried about their children whose names didn’t come easily. The music never stopped pumping and the base never stopped jumping. That was according to notecards turned in by nightclub guests at the end of evening. Nick Cannon’s DJ Yelp rating is climbing steadily. He should be booking more gigs. Amber Rose will be fine so long as men continue to want to get laid.

Photo Credit: INF

Kris Jenner Isn’t Really Wearing Pants

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:33 AM

Kris Jenner Wears See Through Pants While Shopping At Yves Saint Laurent In Paris
Remember that time Kris Jenner announced she would shove a finger up Muhammad’s ass during sex because he was into that kinky shit? C’mon, ISIS, she’s right there in Paris. The aging succubus with see-through pants. Ready, aim, Allahu Akbar. We can look the other way. No unity rallies. The Times will order its staff to use the term ‘errant youth’ and establish a multicultural understanding fund. Fire.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews/Splash

Cumberbatch Concerned for the Coloreds

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:02 AM

Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Sherlock-Holmes

Anybody who speaks in public often enough is going to say some stupid shit at some point then that soundbite is going to be a headline in articles and debated endlessly by people with way too much time on their hands. Having said that, you probably don’t want to drop the term ‘colored’ for black people on national television. And if you’re going to, don’t be a descendant of a well-known slave owning plantation family speaking on the Tavis Smiley show.

Benedict Cumberbatch found himself appalled at his own appalling slip of the tongue when he said how horrible the career field is for colored actors in the U.K.:

“I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology. I offer my sincere apologies. I make no excuse for my being an idiot and know the damage is done.”

That’s your standard devastated progressive actor statement. First, express mortification. In fact, if you can get away with it, use the word mortified. People eat that shit up. Second, profuse apology. Like you just ran over an old lady’s cat, or her favorite grandchild. Third, way over blow the damage you’ve caused. Maybe somebody cut him off before he hit the Alec Baldwin fourth with a note about having many colored friends. Cumberbatch is an outspoken gay rights supporter so he’s pretty much got carte blanche to say whatever the hell he wants. The press would go neutral if he announced the world was better off when slaves knew their place. Like we’re not all thinking it.

Photo credit: Splash News

NFL Pounces on Ball Deflater Scum

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 8:55 AM

Bag-of-NFL-Footballs

According to the NFL, the New England Patriots under-pressurized balls from the AFC Championship Game were the result of a lone gunman. A locker room attendant who was seen on video tape taking the big bag of game balls and disappearing into the toilet stall for ninety seconds. There are only so many things you can do in a bathroom with twenty four fresh balls and a minute and a half, one of which apparently involves deflating a dozen pigskins to a precise measurement. You’d have to read the Sandusky diaries to cover your other options. Avoid the illustrations.

Why a locker room attendant would choose to spend years developing the skills to pull off such a superhuman feat remains a mystery. Dengue fever seems a likely culprit. Also, violent video games should never be overlooked. The NFL believe this is the same locker room attendant who swapped out all the expensive safe helmets for cheap unsafe dummy helmets that caused concussions and brain damage to the former NFL players now suing the league. It’s also possible he punched Janay Rice in the face while pretending to be Ray Rice and has intentionally mismanaged the Oakland Raiders for the past decade.  The important thing is, the NFL investigation worked, the fiend has been found, and nobody needs to ask any more questions. If you go to sleep now, the Super Bowl will come quicker. I believe.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Three Titted Chick Was Fucked Up

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 8:48 AM

TRI

Jasmine Tridevil, the stripper who tried to fool people into thinking she has three tits, was busted for DUI in Tampa where the legal limit is dead. Tridevil doesn’t really have three tits, just a fairly convincing prosthetic and some serious demons. It’s tough to find new gimmicks in the adult entertainment game. Virus Free is an idea that has been floated but not yet fully realized. Too new. Tridevil has been unable to post her five hundred dollar bail and is still in the slammer awaiting release. She’ll likely sue for emotional trauma sustained from being stripped of her extra boob and watching the booking officer try to French fuck it. Anything can happen in Florida. It’s  a place for dreamers with shovels in their trunks.

Kendall Jenner Shows Tits for Cash

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 8:23 AM

Kendall Jenner Wears A See Through Shirt For Chanels Spring Summer Fashion Show In Paris
I’m not sure how much money they pay Kendall Jenner to look like a high end 19th century Romanian prostitute, but it’s not enough. If every upscale lady isn’t flashing her nipples over fancy salads this Fall, I’d be pretty shocked. Just look at that sullen fixed gaze. The way she’s able to empty her mind of thoughts is something straight out of science fiction. That’s stone cold modeling. Shove some twenties in her garter and hand her over to mom for her pills and modest juice. This is what winning looks like.

Photo Credit: Chanel

KFC Pinoy Final Solution

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 8:06 AM

DD

KFC is testing the Double Down Dog in their Philippines market where the casualties settle for less insurance money. It’s a hot dog shoved into a fried chicken breast and covered in the Colonel’s jizz. It’s unclear if this travesty will make it to the states but people in Fort Worth are lining up around the block just in case. Apart from the flavor components not really correlating this thing seems relatively impossible to eat. Especially while driving. Certainly while ignoring your severe chest pains. At some point we need to consider the strategy of making the home nation of the nurses for our sickly obese also sickly obese. That’s just poor planning. We should be testing this fried spooge dog out in Yemen. Let’s be honest, if the diabetes rates quadrupled in Yemen, you’re not skipping Game of Thrones to attend a rally.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Jessica Alba Imbeds Things

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

JA

If the first thing you notice about this photo is that coconut water you’ve been watching too much TV. Jessica Alba posted a photo of herself pretending to do yoga with a bottle of the stuff stationed precariously in the foreground. I refuse to say the name because I hate encouraging this shit. I get it, you’re a brand ambassador and creepy Amway type of person. How often do you mix your endorsement obligations in with friends during conversation? “Hey you know what would be great right now? A Zico!” Cut to uncomfortable shifting. I think we’d better get home. No I just rarely stay up past 8 on a weekday. Shit I said I wouldn’t say Zico. Enjoy your water. Maybe you can use the money to build a home theater in your treehouse.

Photo Credit: Instagram