Bethenny Frankel Is Gross And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 03, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

474124438-personality-author-bethenny-frankel-attends-gettyimages

Real Housewife of whatever the fuck Bethenny Frankel is fucking gross. She looks like a Halloween skeleton covered in cold cut turkey meat. Who told her she was hot?

See the horror for yourself. (TMZ)

India Reynolds takes off her clothes just for you. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Ellie Goulding in a tight blue bikini is a very good thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

Selena Gomez in nothing but a towel. (Hollywood Tuna)

Guess what? Kylie Jenner is scantily clad. (Popoholic)

Who doesn’t love a good thigh gap? (The Chive)

Subway’s Jared bragged about fucking 16 year olds in his texts. (The Superficial)

 

Gisele Bundchen Finds Solace

By Matt August 03, 2015 @ 8:30 AM

Bundchen

Following her husband smashing his cellphone with a sledgehammer and then smirking about it while playing the victim, Gisele pretended to do yoga with her “Soul sister” on Instagram. The problem with fulling lesbianing out is you have to be buzzed and only half the party really really wants to. As you can see in the super hot black chick’s eyes and exposed vagina. Nice diversity, put it in your portfolio next to your college brochure shoot. This should definitely make up for your Nazi parents fleeing international prosecution. Why does our travel agent have a cute armband? Fuck that’s a nice beach. What is American Football? Can I find a dude taller than me who gives a shit about lingerie? Heil Brady. I’ll take the top off that Oreo anytime.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Cecil The Lion’s Brother Assassinated

By Matt August 03, 2015 @ 7:30 AM

Lion

Dr Giggles aka Walter Palmer killed Cecil the Lion two days after fucking up his bow shot and stalking the corpse while it bled out after Cecil was promised a sweepstakes prize if he just tiptoed past the fence. TMZ, known for their zoological surveys, is now reporting Cecil’s brother Jericho was killed by poachers. I don’t know much about lion behavior but definitely more than the vapid dropouts at TMZ so I’m going to blindly theorize that Cecil’s brother went looking for him and crossed the protected zone that Cecil was dragged out of in lynch mode and was promptly shot. I don’t trust you with my wisdom teeth if you get off on chopping off something’s head. Now they’re never getting the bad back together. Enjoy Belize you fucking cock smoker. Rednecks come in all colors. Lay off the trailer parks.

EDITED TO ADD: TMZ is now reporting Jericho is alive and well. Apparently their dubiously credible coverage of current events extends beyond humanity to the entire animal kingdom. Possibly their source in Zimbabwe is confused since all lions look exactly alike.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jared Fogle Likes Them Young

By Matt August 03, 2015 @ 6:30 AM

Foge

Fat thin guy or possibly thin fat guy Jared Fogle apparently fucked a Subway employee with whom he openly shared the fact that he’d fucked a sixteen year old hooker. Before you assume this sandwich artist is a keeper realize she ratted him out to authorities. Fogle reportedly bragged about the encounter, which any woman would find offensive were it Shirley Temple let alone the chick cut from the cheerleading squad. If you ever get a text like this, realize nobody else is into it and they’re baiting you. After talking way too much about his exploits, the no doubt haggard and bitter human resources worker texted him from the FBI’s Radisson suite complete with plastic cups:

“Is this the same website you found that 16-year-old girl that you fucked. . . .I still can’t believe you only paid $100 for her.”

This is when you say something like I don’t know what you’re talking about and someone stole my phone. Fogle, whose phone was hidden somewhere in his pockets of flab and processed cheese ridden mitochondria reportedly responded “It was amazing.” This is why you can’t trust women. Or men for that matter. You don’t become a sixteen year old hooker without more than two unhealthy role models. Bottom line, learn how to negotiate. That’s why you stay in high school. Lest you end up working for Subway. Never trust a Fogle. The meatballs aren’t bad.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Heidi Klum Tans Buck Naked And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 31, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

477437044-model-heidi-klum-attends-the-2015-amfar-gettyimages

Heidi Klum is still looking pretty hot in spite of having had like 5 million kids and being in her late forties. You wish your girl looked this good now much less in middle age. Here she is sunbathing topless in Sardinia.

Check out her Teutonic majesties. (The Superficial)

Kendall Schuler’s topless tits will make your wiener happy. (Egotastic All-Stars)

So, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are still alive. (TMZ)

James Woods sues a Twitter troll for 10 million dollars. (Dlisted)

ESPN host Lindsay Czarniak is sexy on Instagram. (COED)

Please enjoy Shay Mitchell’s sideboob. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hot chicks in sunglasses. It’s a new fetish! (The Chive)

Ronda Rousey Feels Like A Woman

By Matt July 31, 2015 @ 8:30 AM

Rousey2

Ronda Rousey didn’t want to be too thin when she posed for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue because we all know how that’s frowned upon. Instead she wanted a little more junk in the trunk and claims she gained weight on purpose, a move which no doubt infuriated the editors:

“I felt like I was much too small for a magazine that is supposed to be celebrating the epitome of a woman. I wanted to be at my most feminine shape, and I don’t feel my most attractive at 135 pounds, which is the weight I fight at. At 150 pounds, I feel like I’m at my healthiest and my strongest and my most beautiful.”

It seems unlikely an elite professional athlete would gain fifteen pounds for a cheesy photo shoot. Certainly a dude wouldn’t. Of course fighters cut weight all the time and gain it back before ultimately parishing. Did you really gain this weight for the shoot or just not want your kidneys to fail? I realize real women can’t be thin and are simply cheap impostors trying to ban trans fat against the wishes of the free world. Nonetheless this claim is dubious and if this is where your priorities are at I’d bet against Rousey’s next go round because she’s probably working her way up to two fifty to get into character for a Carl’s Jr ad.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Sheldon Richardson Rapidly Losing Credibility

By Matt July 31, 2015 @ 7:30 AM

Anderson

New York Jets’ defensive end Sheldon Richardson is suspended the first four games of next season for smoking weed. No word on when they’ll start testing owners and coaches or if a bro should be allowed to enjoy a joint when his spinal cord looks like a row of garlic rolls. Richardson held a mini press conference and spoke with reporters for the first time since the suspension came down, vowing to change his ways. In typical 80′s movie you’re not going to believe this shit fashion he then proceeded to leave that very press conference and get into a 143 mile per hour high speed chase with police, with a twelve year old kid and a loaded gun in the car, and get arrested. Maybe he just meant change his ways for the next ten minutes. Apparently Richardson initially sped away from police before turning off the highway, killing his lights, and trying to park in a random person’s driveway. That doesn’t work in real life because nobody owns a Bentley and a Datsun. He has been charged with resisting arrest and will more than likely be suspended until the league begins play in hyperbaric chambers on the ocean’s floor. By then weed will be legal. At least he’s figured out how to not look high in photos.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

 

Morrissey Groped By Airport Security

By Matt July 31, 2015 @ 6:30 AM

MorrisseyOnStage

Morrissey claims a TSA agent at the San Francisco International Airport grabbed his dick while frisking him, although it’s unclear why he had a boner or specifically requested Chad. He proceeded to write a blog about the ordeal while mascara ran down his face. To be fair he was carrying several fertilizer bombs on his way to find that lion killer in Minnesota. Americans are so uptight:

“Before I could gather my belongings from the usual array of trays I was approached by an ‘airport security officer’ who stopped me, crouched before me and groped my penis and testicles… Should you find yourself traveling through San Francisco International Airport, you should expect sexual abuse from the so-called ‘security officers’ who, we are unconvincingly warned, are acting only for our security.”

It’s not like the TSA goes down to the Castro and finds fun boys passed out on the sidewalk from a ketamine comedown and straps vests on them for the day like it’s Labor Ready. Airport Security people are exceedingly retarded but they’re not working for free personal pans at the Godfather’s. There’s still a modicum of professionalism. Everyone knows they jerk off to the body scans of the volleyball team but we’re talking about a sixty year old corpse who never shuts the fuck up. Maybe it’s possible. I just never trust people who need a problem to function. Why do your balls have paws? Sir are you smuggling gerbils?

Photo Credit: Getty Images