Jeanie Buss Has Priorities

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 8:06 AM

Jeanie

Jeanie Buss feels it’s awkward running the Lakers while her crotchety old man boyfriend runs the Knicks. Luckily she made sure to clarify that business comes before Viagra induced pleasure. Shit got weird when Buss was pursuing Carmelo Anthony during free agency, as Phil Jackson figured he rightfully owned him outright. Buss made sure to lay down the law:

“Carmelo is a player who’s worth fighting for. In basketball, family, love, relationships, nothing is more important to me than the Lakers, so I’ll do it again.”

It’s refreshing to hear this from an heiress. Usually rich kids don’t give a shit about anything they were given. They total their Ferraris along with their sports franchises. They sign players they think are sexy and override General Managers while coked out of their gourds. Buss has her shit together. Fuck family, fuck love and fuck your creaky old asshole of a fiance. Time to dig this team out of the gutter. Blindside Kobe into a ditch and name yourself the new final seconds go-to shooter. L.A. loves a winner.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Honey Boo Boo At Risk

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 7:45 AM

June

Mama June, the human toilet known for shitting out Honey Boo Boo, is dating Mark McDaniel, a child molester who previously forced an eight year old to blow him and served ten years in prison. Making it slightly worse if possible, the victim was a relative of hers and she was dating the guy when he did it. McDaniel is a registered sex offender who I would assume is barred from contact with small children. It’s not clear if nine year old Honey Boo Boo qualifies. The Learning Channel is now thinking of canceling this educational program about how cycles of poverty and sexual abuse continue throughout generations so they can finally allow Honey Boo Boo the privacy to be violently raped in the quiet of her own home. On a positive note, McDaniel is looking forward to attending the pageants.

C’mon, Obama. We know the drones are there. Smudge this family now.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Cool Freshman Bangs Lisa Ann

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 7:08 AM

Ann

Notre Dame football player Justin Brent banged 42 year old porn veteran Lisa Ann in NYC while his team was on a bi week. Ann and Brent apparently met while she was ‘traveling for work’, which means this dude has wasted no time ingratiating himself into the collegiate strip club scene. After mentioning he had a dick, Brent’s next move was to skip class, fly across the country and fuck the shit out of a chick he’s been wanking to since his pimply faced days in Speedway Indiana. Get your boyhood belt notches out of the way and work your way into that corn fed teenage dorm ass later, it’ll be waiting. I like this guy’s style. Provided he is still on the team next week he’s going to have a hell of a career off the field. He’s just getting started.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Christian Bale Is No Ashton Kutcher

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 6:36 AM

Bale

Christian Bale has been tapped to play Steve Jobs in a new biopic. You might recall a Steve Jobs film coming out only last year. Typically two movies about the same topic wouldn’t be made within such a brief period, unless one of them featured a hilariously inept Ashton Kutcher pretending his fake beard made him an actor. Kutcher’s performance in 2014′s Jobs was almost hard to turn away from, but watching him get hung out to dry in a painful two hour death of embarrassment is oddly validating in a morbid way. It would be like watching your friend who claims his high school football coach screwed him out of an NFL career be inserted into a Packers game and immediately paralyzed. The new movie features a capable director and serious lead actor so it has potential to be pretty solid. Put your trucker hat back on Ashton and see how a fucking man does it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Tit Twerking Model Tells All

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

Sarax

Sara X, the chick who bounced her tits to Mozart, wrote an editorial for Jezebel because if you have tits you can write an editorial for Jezebel. The lengthy piece breaks down the production of her viral video as if it were Avatar 3 and chronicles her tumultuous rise to becoming a spectacle a few people shared on Facebook. The moral is Sara X is a super grounded well adjusted chick who is the most normal person you have ever met. I was on board with the boring part but definitely assumed she had escaped from a fuck cellar at some point. It seems this body mod freak show has a happy ending:

“… a few people have messaged me death threats; overwhelmingly, the response is positive, and I’ve raised money for The Breast Cancer Research Foundation, and I am always pleased to hear from people who message me saying that they too are trying to flex their boobs.”

Sara will be congratulated for taking the time to write the piece in a world where men control most of the keyboard industry. In the meantime she’s preparing to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy for ovarian cancer awareness. Get her done.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Yes, You Are the Only Sad Fuck Who Didn’t Get Screwed By His Hot Teacher in High School

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

Ashley-Zehnder-Headshot

There are some social criminal phenomenons clearly blown out of proportion by the cable and digital news ratings whores. 24×7 coverage of school shootings belies the fact that you’re far more likely to be killed getting to and from high school each day than by a disaffected suburban kid with guns. One phenomenon I’m pretty sure actually is real is lady teachers banging the shnozz out of their boy students. This isn’t just saturated coverage, this is saturated teacher pussy grinding on teen boys. Every ten seconds in America, an English teacher is begging a junior to make her cum like a Dickensian whore.

Ashley Zehnder did nothing other than love a student at her Houston area high school. There’s nothing wrong with love. Or fucking because you’re in love. Or just fucking and pretending you’re in love. Ashley didn’t even seek out this taboo boot knocking. The cunning  kid was on high school cheerleading squad overseen by Ashley for the only reason virile young men join the cheerleading team, they’re trying to get laid. What the hell was Ashley Zehnder to do? Perhaps not Snapchat a nude picture of herself for this braggart to send all around school. That might have lacked foresight.

Her young lover spilled the beans as soon as he was questioned. The downfall of predators everywhere. Those stupid kids and their Twitter texting devices. It used to be your could bang your underaged plaything and tell them you’d have to murder their parents if you told anyone. Now, everybody’s posted everything to Facebook faster than you can threaten them. Women picked an unfortunate technological era to begin raping their male students.

Sally Fitzgibbons Surfs Professionally

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:58 PM

Professional Surfer Sally Fitzgibbons Shows Off Her Athletic Body On The Beach In Australia
Who doesn’t like surfer girls. They’re hot tom boys with Australian accents who will never make you hold their purse at the mall. They don’t even have a purse. They have knapsack and it’s filled with industrial lube they need to use you sexually to get loose before a competition. If she let’s me use her car when she travels, that’s my version of a perfect relationship.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Gwyneth Paltrow Does Aerobics Just Like You and Me (VIDEO)

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:37 PM







Gwyneth Paltrow wants everyone to know she can turn the world on with just one smile. Six months or so ago, she just wanted to let everyone know she could kill you with just one phone call. How one unconscious coupling can change even the most pretentious woman. Especially when the media is saturated solely with news of Gay Beethoven and his semi-erect shtupping of Jennifer Lawrence. The Wicked Witch doesn’t mind being called wicked, she just can’t abide not being talked about at all.

Gwyneth Paltrow is everywhere. She’s gushing on talk shows, penning Obama fantasy fiction, and showing off her more human side she had a team of market researchers outline for her on Powerpoint. Gwyneth even let someone film her doing group aerobics while laughing like a schoolgirl on camera. Where is our mega-bitch and what have you done with her?

When the holidays come around, expect to see Gwyneth ‘caught’ on camera ladling out soup at the homeless shelters and helping random parents afford organic moisturizing hand lotion for their children. Operation Make Gwyneth Slightly Less Hated, engage!

Photo Credit: Instagram