Bradley Cooper Seems All Better

By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 11:36 AM

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It’s easy to assert that life is unfair when Bradley Cooper dumps his teen model girlfriend and immediately hooks up with Irina Shayk. Easy and true. Equality is a myth conceived by those not fucking Russian supermodels to give meaning to their lives. In the madrassas, they shatter this myth and tell all the boys they’ll never get laid, not even by the hairy chicks they’d settle for while high on Fanta sodas. Those kids fight to strap on the bomb to take them to the next world. In the West, we like our pizza parlors intact so we sell the farce that anyone can bang a model. The same guys who run The Lotto Scratchers head up this misinformation campaign. Somebody has to beat the odds. Why not you? Or Bradley Cooper. It could go either way.

Photo Credit: Selfie Magazine

Kardashian Girls Leave No Money on the Table (VIDEO)

By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 10:56 AM

If you’re wondering why Vagina Dad’s girl children were not available to appear on the Diane Sawyer interview, it’s because they were holding back on an E! two night special of their own documenting their own reactions to Jenner’s gender bending announcement. There are emotions and then there are emotions you can turn into dollars on a cable net that has you and Sex and the City reruns to its name.

NBC Universal which claims about 90% of shitty content on the air at any given time, worked the upcoming E! Special into a top line promo campaign on Good Morning America showing clips of Jenner and Kardashian girls effusively expressing their love for Bruce. Also, Kim talking about how feminine Bruce’s polished toenails are. I think, I vomited half way through. In one touching scene, Kris Jenner forces water out of one of her fabricated eye slits pretending she just found out her husband of twenty years was a tranny. I might feel just a little bad when Rob the Redeemer locks all the doors and torches the family home. Please let the pets out first.

Muhammad Cartoon Winner Named a Hate Group

By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 9:54 AM

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Bosch Fawstin, not his real name unless he’s really really stupid, won the prize money in that draw Muhammad contest down in Garland Texas designed to provoke the shit out of jihadi crazies in the area. I have to give some credit to the American America Fuck Yeah America group that held the contest for going with a piece that sends a legitimate message on freedom of speech. As opposed to a picture of a fat Muhammad receiving a blumpkin from an underaged hooker taking a dump. I see now my entry never really stood a chance.

A former Muslim turned atheist, Fawstin’s regular comic work involves a superhero named Pigman who kills jihadists by cover of darkness, making it the sole comic book that will not be turned into a Hollywood tentpole film. After his cartoon contest win, the Southern Poverty Law Center named Fawstin a hate group on their upcoming 2016 list of hate groups on sale at Starbucks next to the James Blunt CDs.

“So they want to put a cartoonist on there who doesn’t act out violently? Go for it.” — Bosch Fawstin

Fawstin went on to talk about the importance of unfettered artistic expression and how he fears for his life which is probably a good idea since both hate groups and anti-hate groups kind of want him dead. His satirical message is pretty much on point with the Charlie Hebdo cartoonists who were mourned as martyrs after they were gunned down by Muslim terrorists in Paris. But that was five months ago when we all agreed that the cartoonists were the relatively good guys and the people who wanted to gun them down instead of just changing the channel were bad.

Robin Thicke Still Diving Into This

By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 9:24 AM

April Love Geary Bikinis
I’m told by an anonymous uninformed source that the judge ruled the Marvin Gaye family copyright lawsuit over Blurred Lines toward the family in part simply because Robin Thicke was such an uncontained douchebag in statements and testimony. The decision to award the family millions for Pharrell and Thicke ripping off their dad’s song will likely be overturned on legal merit down the line, but the judge just couldn’t bring himself to rule in favor of Thicke. All of which matters zilch to Robin Thicke. A man’s dick is his barometer. You can tell him winter is coming, but when his barometer reads hot and moist three times a day courtesy of a 20-year old model, he’s not listening. Robin Thicke will be a jackass until it no longer works. Then probably for a couple or three years more, just out of habit.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Manny Pacquiao Getting Sued

By Matt May 06, 2015 @ 8:45 AM

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Manny Pacquiao is being sued in a Nevada court by a bunch of tools who spent money on his fight because he didn’t disclose his elbow injury prior to tussling with Floyd Mayweather. The Filipino fighter also seemed noticeably psyched to get his ass kicked and was happily wallowing in failure. If your job paid you before you showed up you might not have a sense of urgency when working the fryer. Especially if it paid you $100 million to work the fryer. It’s called incentive. When even your casual potty trained six year old could name the outcome of the fight a year in advance you’re not going to sweat it. Given that we all collectively knew and chose to ignore what was going to happen in the fight, the word disappointment feels inappropriate. Denial seems more apt. I’ve never seen that much money in one place but once I looted a vending machine after an earthquake. I’d assume it’s a similar feeling. I’ll gladly take the refund but I’m not holding my breath. Boxing is officially dead. Enjoy owning the Philippines, Manny. I bet it turns out to have been a better idea on paper.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

This Chick Will Fuck Anything

By Matt May 06, 2015 @ 8:22 AM

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A 23 year old Florida woman named Brittany Sonnier was arrested for having sex with her 15 year old neighbor, which is illegal in Florida unless they draw a gun on you first or you’re on Travolta registered land. Previously Sonnier has been arrested for fucking her dog and propositioning her boyfriend to have a threesome with her and her mutt which has got to be beyond awkward because you can’t even fake small talk after that. Sonnier is most likely a victim of sexual abuse and the whole thing is kind of sad, but also, don’t fuck your dog. The teenager was aware the chick he was boning was known for fucking dogs, which is evidence enough to label all men as shameless pigs from the cradle to coffin. When a chick is busted for sucking off a beagle this chick might just be trouble. I’d still rather date her than a girl who lists shopping as her hobby in a dating profile, but only because when they get fired from their jobs at the dentists office, only one of them is going to blow your rent money.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Isiah Thomas Knows What Women Want

By Matt May 06, 2015 @ 7:45 AM

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Former NBA All-Star and serial sexual harasser Isaiah Thomas has been named President of the WNBA’s New York Liberty by Knicks president James Dolan who is what scientists refer to as a retard. Thomas used to work for the Knicks and cost them 11 million dollars for firing a female employee because she rejected his sexual advances. One might think this would make him a less than ideal choice to manage a woman’s basketball team, particularly one full of angry lesbians with an axe to grind because dad wanted a real boy. On the positive side they aren’t his type. Thomas has sucked at everything in life outside of playing basketball and this endeavor should be no different. However if you’re going to suck at something you may as well do it in obscurity. You could tell me Bigfoot plays in the WNBA and I’d just mutter something about her still not being able to dunk. The Pentagon recently did a study and found every team in the league has a sub 500 record. You might think that’s impossible but try watching a game.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Czech Pornstar Teacher Fired (VIDEO)

By Matt May 06, 2015 @ 6:35 AM

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A Czech teacher has been fired because one of the parents of her students discovered she had made a porno and after beating off to it until his dick was blue, turned her in to the principal. The teacher remains unnamed because she clearly values privacy. The video shows the 35 year old rubbing oil on herself and then getting railed by a dude with an impressive rod. The teacher issued an untruthful statement, but what’s important is I can now describe her genitals in detail:

“I was looking for an extra job and I found some advertisement looking for toned figures for a photo shooting. I thought it was for underwear. I think they drugged me with cocaine. I am sure that something was there. My behavior was changing and I felt very relaxed and comfortable. I would not be able to do something like this in normal circumstances.”

Yeah I guess someone drugged your drugs with more drugs. Creepy dudes on the fringe of the porn industry have a hard enough life without having to deal with your baseless accusations. If you’ve done cocaine you know it doesn’t really affect your decision making, it just makes the bad ones more fun. It doesn’t make you suck the cameraman’s dick if you’re filming a Dominoes commercial. I’m calling bullshit. Mostly on the school. What a lady does in her private time is nobody’s business. Except the director and the camera crew and the dude balls deep inside her. Cross your fingers on the substitute.