Miley Cyrus Topless On Facetime

By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 9:14 AM

Miley Cyrus Topless For Interview
Miley Cyrus is overachieving. Like Rudy, if everybody agreed they would fuck Rudy if nobody else would ever find out. She can’t sing, but she’s a multi-platinum recording artist. She’s not sexy, but she’s become the go-to girl on sexuality. Her tits wouldn’t make first round cuts as minor league hockey ice girl, but she’s using them to make herself the top searched name on Google. There have been inexplicable one hit wonders before, but nothing that ever had this much staying power.

Cyrus stepped up in a bit with Interview magazine where she Facetimed naughty pictures to a photographer and they called it novel. Kim Kardashian heard what was going on and whipped off her top and got into the mix. I’m pretty sure she was not on-contract, she just instinctively knows when this shit is going down. There are more famous chicks involved in this magazine spread, but only Cyrus flashed her titties. She’s throwing off the entire natural order of pretty girls finishing first. Soon, gazelles will be consuming lions and the NBA will be dominated by white guys with Arcade Fire walk-up music. Chaos serves nobody. There have to be a couple open bunks at Guantanamo. I’ll start the Change.org petition.

Photo Credit: Interview Magazine

India Loves Its Rape

By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 6:48 AM

Indian-Girls-protesting-sexual-violence

Every time you feel shitty about America, just Google news of the world and read about what goes on in every other fucked up corner of this planet. In India, a tribal council decided that a young man from the lower caste had violated fresh rules from the 9th century by running away with a rich chick like in a John Hughes movie. Only in John Hughes movies the tribal councils don’t order Eric Stoltz’ two sisters to be paraded naked in the streets then gang raped as punishment for their brother’s social faux pas. Thanks, bro. Hope you two are happy.

The number of reported rape cases in India skyrocketed nearly 900 percent in the 40 years leading up to 2012.

I’m not a stats guy, but a 900 percent rise in rape has to mean the Minister of Stopping Rape gets canned, right? That’s a ton of rape. Nobody does shit about sexual offenses to poor girls so unofficial city elders order their young henchmen to rape chicks from the wrong side of the tracks in between taking Microsoft Customer Service calls. It’s not as bad as American universities where 3 in 2 women were sexually assaulted five minutes ago by a frat guy named Stephen conceived in a feminist graphic novel. Still, an arrow straight up is hard to explain away on a chart where Sanctioned Gang Rapes are on the Y axis. I love you, United States of America. Keep arresting elementary school boys for writing love letters to girls. It’s the only way.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Matt, This Isn’t Goodbye, This Is Hello

By Lex September 01, 2015 @ 1:40 PM

Its-Been-a-Nice-Run

Just over a year ago I found Matt Ralston while trolling Craigslist Juneau for a no strings attached pen pal. In addition to providing male tourists from the Lower Forty-Eight with expert edging services, Matt turned out to be a really funny guy. Now it’s come time for Matt to fly from the nest. I couldn’t be more proud if he were my own bastard son.

You can now read Matt (and myself and others) on the brand newly launched LastMenonEarth.com where we will be sending up the douchebags of this world, including video, audio, and galleries chock full of lady fudge. I don’t know what lady fudge means, I just know I want it. Matt will also continue to be my life partner on our Last Men on Earth podcast.

You can also follow Matt on Matt’s Twitter or just Google West Hollywood police blotter Unsure stabbings and keep up to date with his nocturnal activities.

I only cry when I watch good looking women fight. This is embarrassing.

(Yes, the header photos have become progressively more disturbing throughout the day.)

Rebel Wilson Doesn’t Think Black Lives Matter

By Lex September 01, 2015 @ 12:43 PM

Rebel-Wilson-Police-Stripper-at-VMAs

Rebel Wilson took hardcore Twitter grief from the BlackLivesMatter hashtaggers for making light of recent police brutality with her lame bit on the MTV show about the brutality of police strippers. It’s funny, because it’s a play on words, until Rebel Wilson starts taking off her clothes, then nothing’s funny ever again.

A lot of people have problems with the police. But I really hate police strippers. You guys know what I’m talking about. They come to your house, you think you’re getting arrested, and you just get a lap dance that is usually uninspired. I hired a police stripper for my grandmother’s 80th, and he wouldn’t even feel her up. Well I paid an extra $100 for her to get an erotic back massage, but it only lasted one song. I hate this injustice. Hence the shirt.

MTV scrupulously reads every single line of copy before its approved and masturbates thinking about content relevancy to teens. Did this make the pass? If so, fuck you again, Millennials. At least Miley showed her tits while yapping out her gravel quarry barker. How soon until we get that wall built to stop Australians from entering the U.S. and how will it work exactly on first class passengers who had to purchase an extra seat arriving at LAX? We might need bigger nets.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Taylor Swift Makes A Toot And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 01, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

Taylor-Swift-and-Avril-Lavigne

America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift let out a big old fart on the air during the MTV broadcast of the VMAs. It seems she does share some normal human function. Though mostly just the farting, along with some jealousy, hatred, and vaginal dryness.

Watch Taylor cut the cheese. (The Superficial)

Camille Rowe is topless in a sexy Polaroid. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Jessica Simpson’s tits are still fucking awesome. (Drunken Stepfather)

Paris Hilton is available for your kid’s party. (TMZ)

Sarah Harding’s camel toe performed on stage. (Hollywood Tuna)

Keeley Hazell shows off her tits and ass on Instagram. (Popoholic)

Girls tugging on their clothes makes my winer happy. (The Chive)

Lena Dunham Removes Gunt Selfie

By Lex September 01, 2015 @ 11:11 AM

Lena-Dunham-Gunt-Selfies

Lena Dunham spends a lot of time working the fat shaming meme for fun and profit. The self-described actress and writer posted a picture of her old man swollen prostate gunt to Instagram long enough for it to be seen by millions of innocents who probably did shitty things in their past lives. Dunham waited some period of time then removed the photo citing the destructive nature of body disparaging trolls on the horizon:

Just an FYI, I don’t delete because I’m ashamed of my body — I delete because certain pics become hot beds for negativity. You think I want a teenager visiting my page and seeing a zillion comments about how fat I am? No, because that is hurtful to any person struggling, comparing, contrasting. So since the trollz came out, I will instead share a pic of me shining bright on my rightful throne.

Who could have expected this close up of your Nutella-filled pubic area would become a hot bed for negativity? Why not post a picture of a Pope doll hanging ragged out of your rectum and act shocked that so many people had nasty things to say. It’s all about the teenagers. For fuck’s sake, stop saying that. You’re trying to promote your new website featuring your Freshman lit overwritten short stories. Who’s shameless now, you Lucky Brand destroying self-involved suckling muffin?

Photo credit: Lena Dunham/Instagram

Charlie Riina Sells Hard

By Lex September 01, 2015 @ 9:52 AM

Charlie Riina Strips Down For Water Sales
At some point this chick is going to shove that bottle directly up her twat and finally move some water. It’s the natural next step in using sex to sell a product nobody wants. You might pay twenty bucks to watch this Cybergirl grind a pole, but try ordering water at a strip club and see where that lands you. I like my thumbs. Now, lower your hands and I’m good for a case.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Khloe Kardashian Bottom Dwelling

By Lex September 01, 2015 @ 9:25 AM

Khloe Kardashian Big Booty In Super Tight Dress
I don’t know the precise construction of ass, but at some point if you keep pumping it full of saline and evaporated fat, it’s going to explode like any other container. Khloe Kardashian may have spotted an opening in the family whore tote board race to the Cadillac, but she’s playing with physics fire. That diaper she’s wearing isn’t going to do squat to limit the blast radius. Clear a three block perimeter and send in the RC robot to detonate that shit burger. O.J. can make more daughters.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet