By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 2:25 PM
I can’t remember what the pretext was for launching the ESPN Magazine Body Issue. Something about adoring the powerful woman athlete or shit you might spout when trying to get laid at the sports sorority mixer. The business reason was to nab some of that SI Swimsuit sweet circulation bump. Now every July a week or so before ESPN declares Caitlyn Jenner a national treasure, a bunch of women’s sports stars take off their clothes and contort the shit out of their bodies to keep from showing off their tits or vaginas. ESPN wants to praise the female athlete body, but not the parts that make them women. Coca-Cola is watching.
The list of well known female sports stars who will get buck naked for these photos isn’t long, so the picking and choosing isn’t tremendous. This isn’t like putting up a Craigslist ad for Hot Girls 18-25 Paid Modeling. That’ll net you a thousand warm bodies with big tits outside your door. Try it sometime on a lazy weekend. With the Body Issue, you’re delving into the WNBA already with your second pick. That Aly Raisman chick’s body looks like the 5-foot tall cyborgs we’ll all be having sex with in fifty years. I didn’t even show you all the naked male athletes. I don’t want to be that guy. In my version of equality everybody keeps their clothes on because it nets out for the better.
Photo Credit: ESPN Magazine
By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 1:40 PM
Consider me a big fan of this surfing girl who you never see surfing. Maybe she’s good. How would anybody know? It’s surfing. Even putt putt golf has a rational scoring system. But go to Ohio sometime and watch a little putt putt, you won’t see asses like this. It’s unfortunate that all women’s athletics ultimately get turned into some kind of beauty pageant by men in the audience. Also awesome. Awesome and unfortunate at the same time. Confusing. Please take off your clothes. No, not you. Her.
Photo Credit: ISHINE365
By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 12:32 PM
Sometimes you need to make numerous babies with an unemployed alcoholic before you can size up his boyfriend viability. Kourtney Kardashian had to know there was something wrong with Scott Disick the first time she realized he wasn’t black and his dick wasn’t painfully pressing up against her small intestine during intercourse. She could’ve asked her sisters. Now the eldest Kardashian midget whore has told her long time boyfriend to take his $12 million in net worth from the show and take a hike. Kourtney will finally have a tear filled storyline to A-block the show. Disick will move to a swank condo in Aspen and drunk fuck hot chicks who believe he’s really going to pass their demos on to Kanye. Usually breakups with little kids involve lots of pain and suffering. In this case, they’ll be able to limit the immense downside to just the children. Huzzah.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Jack July 06, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Nicky Hilton showed off her butt cheeks and thong through a cut out dress at a Versace show. In other news, Nicky Hilton is still alive and this is the most interesting moment of her life.
Behold the Nicky Hilton thumper. (Egotastic)
Khloe Kardashian is probably fucking James Harden. (TMZ)
Kim Kardashian desecrates the flag by wearing it on her greasy body. (Huffington Post)
Charlotte McKinney displays her tits in GQ. (Drunken Stepfather)
Sienna Miller flashes her bikini body. (Hollywood Tuna)
Kelly Monaco in a bikini will make your eyes bug out like a cartoon wolf. (Popoholic)
Mind the thigh gap. (The Chive)
By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 11:44 AM
The stout faction of the FEMEN army seized control of a fountain sculpture declaring themselves ensconced until the Spanish government reverses its Gag Laws banning people from complaining about how shitty the Spanish government is. It’s kind of hard not to root for these girls your well-meaning grandma tried to set you up with when she was worried you might be gay. Governments shouldn’t have the same power as parents to tell their kids to shut the fuck up or they’re going to their room. Or, you know, prison. Topless go fugly early chicks screaming through bullhorns may be the last chance of the Spanish Les Miserables to express their displeasure. There are a handful of countries in Europe facing the future of being Greece Part Deux. You’re at a fork in the road. Are you backing the Draconian central government or are you backing the thunder thighs of University of Madrid Women’s Rugby Team? You can curse God later for your lack of options.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 9:58 AM
Unlike Kim Kardashian whose success was shot out of a jizz cannon, the grooming of Kylie Jenner has taken place thoughtfully over the past eight years. She’s nine and has a vagina. How do we get her into a $2.7 million home by seventeen? Excelsior. The youngest Jenner sister now has a body her dad could only dream of and is moving into her new Calabasas pad with occasional visits down the chimney and up the ass from Tyga when not co-parenting his babies. The masses inherently devalue people who educate themselves, apply their skills, and build successful enterprises. The same army of dolts idolize chicks who tit shortcut directly to the house full of Guatemalan servants. This kind of shit happened in Rome right before the fall. I’m not suggesting Kylie Jenner’s teen tits are the harbinger of ruin. I am suggesting you should try to get your dick in there yourself the minute she turns eighteen. There may not be lots of time.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt July 06, 2015 @ 9:33 AM
Billy Joel married his fourth wife and fortieth model. Not sure how that math checks out but let’s run with it. Alexis Roderick is half his age at 33 and more than twice his height. He sometimes gets his head stuck in her orifices. The ceremony was presided over by the fucking governor of New York. That’s how you know you’ve arrived. Also when you find your vehicle in the living room of your destination. Actually when you’re a sixty six year old dude knocking up hot chicks while Christie Brinkley looks on and you’ve fucked her too there’s no need to leave the house. If it weren’t for his unfortunate music he’d be my hero. Billy Joel wasn’t supposed to be an incredibly successful cocksman. Be he nailed it. The gods must be stewing.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 06, 2015 @ 8:55 AM
The inexplicably famous purveyors of awful shit Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis finally got married even though it was widely assumed they already are and people were waiting for them to get into a plane crash. Kunis dropped a nauseating quote which solidified the grey matter sized marble of hatred in my heart for the couple of bastards:
“My first real kiss ever was with him on the show. We all get movie star crushes. I’m marrying mine.”
Are you talking about Dude Where’s My Car? or have you mistaken him for Christian Bale again? Because you’re the only person doing that. Five bucks says he bangs the cleaning lady yet I’ll drop a hundred to not have to hear about it. I just pictured them fucking and have been vomiting stale Gatorade for several hours. I just thought about it again there goes another laptop. Seriously ride off into the sunset and suck each other’s dicks but for the love of Christ leave us alone. If I see this chick on one more of Maxim’s list I’m moving back to New Zealand. Failing that possibly Iowa. Fuck, you can’t win. She looks like she smells.
Photo Credit: Instagram