By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:58 PM
Who doesn’t like surfer girls. They’re hot tom boys with Australian accents who will never make you hold their purse at the mall. They don’t even have a purse. They have knapsack and it’s filled with industrial lube they need to use you sexually to get loose before a competition. If she let’s me use her car when she travels, that’s my version of a perfect relationship.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:37 PM
Gwyneth Paltrow wants everyone to know she can turn the world on with just one smile. Six months or so ago, she just wanted to let everyone know she could kill you with just one phone call. How one unconscious coupling can change even the most pretentious woman. Especially when the media is saturated solely with news of Gay Beethoven and his semi-erect shtupping of Jennifer Lawrence. The Wicked Witch doesn’t mind being called wicked, she just can’t abide not being talked about at all.
Gwyneth Paltrow is everywhere. She’s gushing on talk shows, penning Obama fantasy fiction, and showing off her more human side she had a team of market researchers outline for her on Powerpoint. Gwyneth even let someone film her doing group aerobics while laughing like a schoolgirl on camera. Where is our mega-bitch and what have you done with her?
When the holidays come around, expect to see Gwyneth ‘caught’ on camera ladling out soup at the homeless shelters and helping random parents afford organic moisturizing hand lotion for their children. Operation Make Gwyneth Slightly Less Hated, engage!
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 10:50 AM
There are bad ideas, then there are bad ideas couched in the context that anything done for a noble cause is a good idea. The latter is a philosophy deeply embraced by Western feminists and Islamic terrorists entering pizza parlors. The gay rights and I guess now women’s rights T-shirt company FCKH8 deplores the fact that women are still treated as lesser citizens than men according a series of debunked statistical talking points. FCKH8 decided to cast a bunch of innocent grade school girls to shout the word fuck on camera and then talk about how that’s not even close to as offensive as the fact that female biochemists make less than male burger flippers and over 80% of women who visit parks today will be sexually assaulted by former President Bush. At least they canned the original idea for the girls to cut off their pinkies on camera and scream ‘Now I’m no longer a perfect princess, devalue me more, evil ball sack rapists!’. Though I probably would watched that video to the end.
It’s okay to be super into women’s rights and to use the pain of historical discrimination to justify lying about current conditions to get your point across. That’s standard politics. It’s expected. But exploiting little girls to help stop the exploitation of little girls seems a bit counterintuitive. Not to mention abusive. Robbing little girl actresses of their innocence is a job best left to Disney TV casting directors. 5 out of 5 girls in your video just got raped. By you. Congratulations. I hope you sell a bunch of your $15 t-shirts.
By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 10:05 AM
Let’s say you’re thinking about going to the gym naked. You’re going to want to get these sox. They’re called ToeSox, because somebody in marketing couldn’t think of anything better. They provide your entire body with the grip it needs to perform yoga, Pilates, or a court ordered Outward Bound intervention program entirely without clothing. That’s like some superhero special suit type powers. These socks also prevent the transfer of yeast, bacteria, or viral infections to your body due to wiggling your naked flesh across gymnasium equipment just shvitzed and sneezed on by the last guy. That’s no joke. Rub your bare tits on a sweaty treadmill and check for rashes the next day. Thank you ToeSox.
Photo Credit: Toe Sox
By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 9:29 AM
Hollywood chicks love to show their tits off at gay events. It’s something akin to the palms up symbol when Maasai warriors cross paths in the savannah. I mean you no harm. I carry no weapons. Save for these gigantic tits I had to have enhanced because I lost too much weight eating nothing but Tanqueray soaked boba balls for nineteen months. It’s all about representing peace. And scaring the shit out of the gay men who fear your tits might touch their face. That’s probably homophobic, but only like barely so.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty
By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 8:54 AM
Fuck the 138 Water blood sucking sinister interplanetary invading bitches. This is too much. A Filipina girl with big tits. That’s got to be the Secret Weapon X they’ve been holding out on. This isn’t even supposed to exist. It doesn’t exist. Not on this planet. All I ask is that this big breasted anomaly be the one to consume my flesh. I want to see the face of God as I free my earthly bonds.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 8:29 AM
This is Karlie Kloss. She’s a model and Taylor Swift’s non-lesbian best girlfriend. She probably just says model when people ask because it’s shorter and you don’t have to go into details on the girls rule boys drool sleepovers at Taylor’s $20 million condo. Lena Dunham often joins the duet so Taylor doesn’t have to feel relatively unattractive. I give Lena credit for being the only one of the three gal pals to be sexually active, even if that just means she manually penetrates herself until fudge comes out. Who wants sundaes? Best sleepover ever.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 8:03 AM
Matt McConaughey said he doesn’t think the Washington Redskins should change their name in a GQ interview. He feels he’s an authority on this issue since he identifies with being vaguely spiritual and doesn’t know any surly res dudes who would kick his ass when he wears his Redskins gear. His poor rationale for his own drawling flighty rambling makes you wonder why you should give a fuck about anything he says that isn’t written on paper for him:
“What interests me is how quickly it got pushed into the social consciousness. We were all fine with it since the 1930s, and all of a sudden we go, ‘No, gotta change it’? It seems like when the first levee breaks, everybody gets on board.”
I’m sure McConaughey longs for the days of segregated Woolworths counters and watching white ball players dominate pro sports, but these things tend to work exactly like he described. Somebody says, okay, it’s 2014, time to stop using old Injun slang in our pro sports teams names. And then most everyone else goes, yeah, huh, we should probably do that. It’s not like we’re modifying the Washington Monument into a giant penis and rededicating it to honor gay marriage. That’s not coming for a few years yet. We can live through the loss of white people waving imaginary tomahawks and screaming ancient war chants written in the 60′s.
Look for McConaughey to issue an apology soon, claim he is a quarter Native, and explain to everyone that he’s a stoned idiot mimbo and reading one of his interviews is akin to paying attention to the man’s face when you watch porn.
Photo Credit: Getty Images