Tori Spelling Is Dead Broke, Or Rich

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 9:08 AM

Tori Spelling Almost Falls Out Of Her Top At The Beach In Malibu
Reality TV works when you pair dullards in the audience with producers who lock down the leaks. Then somebody from the land of slightly sentient beings gets a thought, something like, if Tori Spelling is broke and evicted and can’t afford to fix her tit blobs, how is she living in a $30,000 a month beach house for the summer? Reality, right off the rails. Doubt creeps in and suddenly you’re wondering if her drunk unemployed husband is really banging babies into Canadian chicks or maybe he’s just drunk and unemployed and not even that interesting. Maybe Tori’s skull piercing open-gill shrieks about his infidelity and being broke and busted and out of options… could that be fake? I’d rather find out that the lunar landing was staged or that 9/11 was the result of a struggling Sbarro franchise owner calling his cousins to take out his restaurant and make it look inconspicuous. If reality shows are phony, what is left to believe in? This is exactly how Scientology creeps in.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Cara Delevingne Is Aloof

By Matt July 28, 2014 @ 7:39 AM


Cara Delevingne thought it would be a good idea to wear a fur coat to Leonardo DiCaprio’s environmental fundraiser aimed at protecting animals and the environment. Actually she probably didn’t think about anything, because she can do whatever the fuck she wants. She could drape herself in a Palestinian flag and walk into a kosher deli and get a free sandwich. Nobody’s going to tell her when she’s behaving inappropriately, because chicks don’t often blow guys who make them realize they are idiots. DiCaprio probably does actually care about the environment, but would definitely club a baby seal to death for a chance at getting in her bisexual box.

It looks like the jacket was made of rabbits, which are not endangered and can multiply quickly enough to take over the world, if they weren’t dumb fucking rabbits. Still you wouldn’t wear a Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt to an NAACP fundraiser, its just not a good look. The move confirms my suspicion that most people involved in charity don’t really give a shit about the cause as much as their own self image. Delevingne is probably off to cry about the elephants and then purchase some Congolese ivory to fashion dildos for her lesbian model droids.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Whitney Houston’s Mom Not Down For Biopic

By Matt July 28, 2014 @ 7:17 AM


There is a Lifetime movie about Whitney Houston’s life in the works, but her mom doesn’t want it to move forward. Cissy Houston is apparently concerned the movie will distort the facts of Whitney’s life, like that she was a crackhead or was married to Bobby Brown or occasionally sang. She finds it irritating none of the people involved in the film’s production were personal friends of Whitney:

No one connected with this movie knew Whitney or anything about her relationship with Bobby… I find it difficult to believe people who knew and supposedly loved her would participate in a movie about her done by folks who didn’t know her.

Who does this woman expect should be directing the movie, Cousin Tanya from down the street? This is a Lifetime movie. It’ll be seen by seventeen women who are mostly trying not to think about cheesecake or their desiccated vaginas or whether cheesecake can solve that dryness problem if applied directly. Naturally the movie will portray Whitney as a screaming, vamping, screeching, nagging, and snorting mess. And we’ll all pretend to feel bad  for Cissy and talk about what a hatchet job Lifetime did with Whitney’s life. Then we’ll all secretly agree it was pretty accurate.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Sandra Bullock Is Trying to Age

By Matt July 28, 2014 @ 6:36 AM


Sandra Bullock is set to star in an upcoming movie as Brownie Wise, who was a director of marketing for Tupperware. The film will chronicle Wise’s life and the spellbinding story of how Tupperware became a successful plastic container company. If you’re wondering why you’re storing your weed in a container marked Tupperware, this movie won’t show you that. But it’ll still seem interesting if you’re really fucking high.

This bland mature market film role is part of Bullock’s plan to accelerate her menopausal process, which she has been looking forward to since college. Bullock has taken up adopted motherhood, attending flea markets, and joined a book club in recent years in an attempt to convince American males that her humonkous is a barren desert. She will soon be doing Activia spots and then an audio tape of her saying something horrifyingly racist about the Civil War Reconstruction will surface. It will be a dark day for American males as we realize yet another chick we used to masturbate to is now an asexual woman wearing cardigans in home decor magazines. It’s like a little death.

Photo credit: Splash News

Kazakhstan’s Volleyball Team Got Interesting

By Matt July 28, 2014 @ 6:02 AM


Sabina Altynbekova is playing volleyball for Kazakhstan in the Under 19 Asian Championships and a growing number of people who do not care about low level volleyball competitions are obsessed with her. Usually when you enter ‘barely legal Asians’ into your search engine, it is not followed by volleyball. Apparently Sabina is becoming a huge distraction at the games, or the games are serving as a distraction from all the hot nubile ass, depending on how you look at it. Sabina is also being worshipped online by the Asian world, insuring her ability to auction off her sweaty sports bras and boy shorts for a hefty sum once the games conclude. She is handling the situation with class:

“I was flattered at first but it’s all getting a little bit much… I want to concentrate on playing volleyball and to be famous for that, not anything else.”

Clearly her Kazakh-English translator got hung up on a few technical details. The statement was meant to read, Sabina will accidentally have her perfect pear shaped tits spill out of her uniform next game, refuse to board the return flight to Kazakhstan, apply for asylum in a Western nation not France, sign a modest modeling deal, marry a suspiciously effeminate male who’s made big dough flipping houses, and never touch another volleyball in her life. The other two career paths in Kazakistan are shepherd or subway bomber. I can’t blame her for choosing trophy wife.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Leonardo DiCaprio Saved The World, Fuck Yeah!

By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 2:52 PM

Leonardo DiCaprio kicked off his Leo Rescues Mother Nature Foundation in St. Tropez by amassing a large collection of hot models and Hollywood douchebags and raising a cool $25 million to save cheetahs and poison oak. Leo riled up the $50K a plate crowd with fierce rhetoric and the intelligence of three men:

There has never been, since the time of dinosaurs, as many plant and animal species disappearing so quickly … We must make efforts to protect rich biodiversity.

Then the rich bio-diverse guests bid millions of dollars on things like Bono’s guitar, appearing in Leo’s next movie, and being the guy to give Tom Cruise’s next wife a baby. After the Euros were all counted and the world tucked safely into bed, Leo returned to his yacht to karate kick the shit out of stuff then make tender love to his 22-year old model girlfriend. There’s just no stopping Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s like the perpetual motion drinking bird, only that’s not his beak, that’s his cock and that cup of water is the universe to infinity.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Barbara de Regil In Lingerie

By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 2:02 PM

Barbara de Regil In Lingerie For The July 2014 Issue Of Soho Mexico Magazine
Sometimes, you just want to look at a Mexican girl in her underwear. If I was Obama and people were coming at me all day long with Gaza this and Ukranian crisis that and you’ve got to go back to L.A. and back rub more rich lesbians, I’d order everybody out of the Oval Office and check out Mexican chicks in their panties. Fuck, I’d call up ICE down in Texas and ask them to permiso slip me a few barely legal girls in their undies. Yes, those girls aren’t from Mexico, but when they’re dancing on the Jefferson couch in their bras, you can make exceptions for neighboring nationalities. Tell Michelle to go invent another fucking sprout sandwich, Daddy needs some no me molestes time.

Photo Credit: Soho Mexico Magazine

Porn Stars Parody Weird Al’s UHF

By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 1:29 PM

Jessica Dawn And Lily Bergman Star In A WoodRocket Porn Parody Of Weird Al's UHF
Porn companies learned long ago that their fucking needed context to stand out in world filled with random ass to mouth clips. Horribly conceived pop culture parodies were one strain that grew out of that strategic session in the Valley. Now, in a moment where crap comes full circle, the porn parodies are parodying the parodies of Weird Al Yankovic. This comes as a result of Weird Al’s comedy album opening number one on the Billboard Music Charts. WoodRocket adult entertainment naturally asked a couple porn stars to take their tops off and parody Weird Al’s 1989 film UHF. UHF makes total sense for a parody since it was out 25 years ago and nobody saw it. In contrast, Weird Al has always had an ingenious means to select the targets of his musical parodies. He picks popular songs. If any of you can get yourself off watching porn girls dressed as Weird Al or Emo Philips, all the power to you. Please don’t come back.

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