Pras’ Son Is Four and Broke-Ass

By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

Pras

The third most notable member of the Fugees is fighting a court battle to keep his child support payments down. Pras currently pays his baby’s mama $3,000 dollars a month in child support which is enough money to support a child, just not a child and his occasionally working mother. Angela Severiano claims she needs more money because she lives in a shitty apartment in Manhattan. That’s like complaining about making the league minimum in the NBA. Last I heard, the price of a one bedroom in Manhattan could get you a 12-bedroom house in Atlanta with view, or the entire Sheraton in Detroit.

In court papers, Severiano claimed that Pras is “fighting against his own son’s well being”. The kid is four and has grown out of most of his baby jewelry. Severiano wants Pras to pay enough for the child to grow up in the standard luxury of a bastard rapper baby. That’s not even counting outlier bastard rapper babies like North West whose OPEX is about $47,000 a month. In the end, this will get settled in some crass and crude dollars and sense manner, while we are all left to ponder if it’s really possible for love to take hold between a rapper and a chick he bare backed on the side for a while he was heavy on the purple drank.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Kid Rock’s Dildo Subpoenaed

By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 7:39 AM

Kid Rock

Insane Clown Posse’s record label is being sued by a former female employee and the evidence in the case includes a glass dildo owned by Kid Rock. Andrea Pellegrini claims she was sexually harassed by some guy who worked at the label named Dirty Dan Diamond. Dirty Dan found out Andrea had broken up with her boyfriend so he gave her a glass dildo because that move has a tremendous success rate over time. When she refused the glass shlong, he gave it to Kid Rock because Kid Rock is always an afterthought. The dildo is now being subpoenaed for the case so prosecutors can wave it dramatically in front of the postal workers and retired teachers and Honduran unaccompanied minors who comprise our jury pools. Given its connection to the ICP organization the dildo is probably covered with enough rapey bodily fluids to re-open dozens of cold cases. Unless of course it’s been corrupted by Kid Rock’s saliva. Everybody is publicly rooting for Andrea to win her legal case while secretly acknowledging that women who work for the Insane Clown Posse deserve to be molested.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Eddie Murphy’s Fake Son Drops Lawsuit

By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

Murphy

Some unknown comic named Brando Murphy filed a defamation lawsuit against Eddie Murphy for $50 million dollars for telling everybody that Brando wasn’t his son, just one super unfunny motherfucker who should be working the guacamole scooper at Chipotle. For some time now, Brando has been showing up at the Coffee Beans where Eddie hangs out screaming aloud that Eddie is his father. He probably has plans to kill Eddie and conjugal with his hot young blond girlfriend. I can’t blame him on that last one. Well, those last two.

Brando says he is a comedian and performed on something called ‘The Sons Of Comedy Tour’, which was neither comedy nor a tour, but did feature Richard Pryor’s actual son selling his soul for Steel Reserve money. Brando claims his ‘management’ told him to file the lawsuit, because imaginary managers are extremely litigious. Eddie Murphy has been very careful to distance himself from riffraff, save for the ones who wear a wig and gobble his knob like no woman ever could. Thankfully, this story ends rather happily with Brando Murphy now agreeing to drop the frivolous lawsuit and focus on his main passions of stalking and harassment.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Ray Rice Gets Not So Punished

By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 6:13 AM

The NFL suspended Ravens running back Ray Rice two games for knocking out his fiancee and dragging her by her hair. The pair have since married because when you can fell your lady with one punch, it’s like pulling Excalibur from the stone, it’s preordained that she’s your bitch. Rice is now in an intensive treatment program that tells people not to knock their fiancees completely unconscious because hair dragging is very caveman and looks shitty on security cameras. Apparently the 130 pound chick was not so innocent, which the Ravens made sure to Tweet out of faieness:

“Janay Rice says she deeply regrets the role that she played the night of the incident.”

The Ravens followed up by clarifying the Sandusky kids played a role in their rape assaults as well by taking showers after practice. Two games for beating the shit out of a girlfriend seems light in a league where you get harsher suspensions for smoking weed or taking the steroids your team doctor is throwing in your back window under cover of darkness. The lesson here is to stay away from running backs. Short guys with thick legs have bad tempers. I know you think that’s a generalization, but when you look around at the guys you know like this, you’ll see I’m right. It’s God’s way of tipping you off to make your exit when that mini-Mac truck starts drinking.

Feminists Deconstruct Terry Richardson

By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 2:35 PM

Sisley-Ad-by-Terry-Richardson
Feminists are outraged that Terry Richardson has yet to be Arizona slow executed for the crime of being a super fucking creepy photographer who prays on young women. You know, unlike his fashion model shooting peers who just want to help young Czech teens with perfect bone structure and teen tits find fulfillment. Since nobody is bringing legal charges against Uncle Terry and his slap happy cock, feminists have turned to criticizing his work. Not for his obviously amateurish technical skills, but for its dagger in the heart of female self-worth and sexual objectification

‘[These images] depict women in sexually vulnerable, pornographic positions where a lot of the model’s facial expressions look like they’ve been drugged or they’re drunk. These images are predatory.’

Two fun loving unbiased female essayists thought it would be eye opening to take blatantly sexually objectifying commercial ads shot by Terry Richardson and morph in men’s faces and body parts instead of women’s. The resulting photographs would be so disturbing, they’d force you to see how a billion times infinity more disturbing the originals were. I can’t possibly fathom this connection. I just know the outcome is idiotic whether you’re a man, a woman, or a woman who secretly wishes she had a dick and therefore despises all who possess one.

Outside of some half-assed Photoshopping skills, what has your Women’s Studies summer project taught us? That men like porn? All of these advertisements shot by Uncle Terry are for women’s magazines or catalogs for women. Most of the editors of these magazines are women. The products themselves designed by women or gay men. In fact, all of Terry Richardson’s vocal supporters are women. I don’t doubt that a chick ball-gagged and bent over a couch in her panties is sexist. But for whom? The straight dudes in prison who can only get their hands on Vogue or Cosmo for spank material? Uncle Terry is your creation, ladies. If he ever does get busted, you’re the ones who need to go post his bail and take him home to sleep on your couch. He’s your secret shame.

(Maybe the shots he just took of porn girl Jessie Andrew below are for the guys. Or just his own closet of shameful deeds. I’m still not bailing him out when the time comes.)

Photo Credit: TakePart (above)/Terry Richardson (below)

Nicki Minaj’s Music Looks Good

By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Nicki-Minaj-Anaconda-Album-Cover
Nicki Minaj new contribution to the musical lexicon of humanity is called Anaconda. It’s a snake. It’s also a cock. I’m pretty good at interpreting sexually suggestive metaphors. For instance, I’m looking at Nicki Minaj squatting on an imaginary anaconda in her thong and I interpret that to mean her music sucks. I also interpret that nobody gives a shit because look at that ass. Yes, it’s grotesque even post Photoshop, but there’s something genuinely appealing as well. It’s like chorizo. I know it’s pig entrails and lips, but it’s gotten hold of some part of me that wants to bend it over the sofa and let loose the dogs of war. Nicki Minaj’s ass I mean. I guess the chorizo too. I do love that horrific crap.

Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram

Peaches Geldof Home Was a Heroin Den

By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 12:51 PM

Peaches-Geldof-Died-of-Heroin-Overdose

According to the final inquest into the death of Peaches Geldof, the ridiculously polite British investigators determined that Peaches Geldof died of heroin overdose. Part of this finding was related to the heroin needle found in her lifeless hand, the heroin in the tin next to her bed, the heroin found stashed in every room of the house, the needles and burn spoons motif of the country home, her history of heroin addiction, and the giant sign over her front door which read, You’ll Take Away My Heroin When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands. Police also noted that Peaches kept heroin in a candy box on the nightstand, a practice highly recommended by pediatricians for the heroin addict with young children in the home.

You may recall that at the time of her death nobody in the proper press was willing to suggest that Peaches Geldof deceased herself with the needle. All that don’t rush to judgement nonsense that people who don’t like to think unpleasant thoughts like to chant. Perhaps she died of a fallen chandelier or fell bravely during an Afghani mission in the night and found her way home to Britain by morn. Nope. It turns out most heroin addicts die from heroin. I prefer to rush to judgement. Then I get there first.

Philip Seymour Hoffman Played Unhealthy Well

By Matt July 24, 2014 @ 12:12 PM

hoffman

Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in his final leading role is a troubled alcoholic. Anton Corbijn directed Hoffman in A Most Wanted Man and said Hoffman was perfect for the part:

“He channeled part of the state he was in at the time into that character. They were more closely linked than, say, the character he played in ‘The Master’… It will always be harder to differentiate in this role between how people perceived him to be as a person and what he gave us on the film.”

This is what makes Hoffman one of the greatest actors of our generation. If you have a debilitating drug addiction, choose a film that allows you to stumble into work with pit stains and be heaped with critical praise for you performance. If you have picked up a two pack a day habit make sure your character smokes constantly. If he does not, have your agent get it written in. Hoffman never needed to get creepy skinny like Jonah Hill so he could play lame dudes with giant heads. Hoffman picked characters with the verge of death pallor. His honesty in self-reflection is what I will miss most.

Photo Credit: Getty Images