Stella McCartney Blind To The Times

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 8:11 AM

Model

Stella McCartney got a lot of heat from her Instagram followers after posting a photo of a sickly looking model who probably needs a steak sandwich or twenty. Somebody’s got to sell the McCartney’s Summer 2015 collection of overpriced crap. A portion of the proceeds go to charity, although a larger portion go to McCartney’s third mortgage. After the post many of Stella’s followers freaked out and started a campaign to unfollow her on Instagram, the modern equivalent of being Ghandi for about four seconds. McCartney took the offending photo down and replaced it with a hotter model wearing the same shitty garment. Suck on that, haters.

Usually people who taunt a girl for being too skinny are bored fat chicks who think curves means you eat ice cream for lunch. Sometimes also their boyfriends who love the feeling of being smothered during sex because of something horrible that happened in their childhood. I rarely find myself on the boney chick shaming side, but clearly something other than this girl’s shoulders is askew. It’s possible this rail thin E.T. scarfs down three Denny’s Grand Slam breakfasts with a 900-calorie Jamba Juice finisher by eight am. But even more possible she exists on the small arthropods she can pick clean from the leaves in her live-in terrarium. It’s probably too late to get back the dough her parents paid to secrete her in a cargo container at age fourteen, but it’s never too late to pick her up and beat the crap out of Stella McCartney with her crumbly bones.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

The NFL Prostrates Itself

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 7:45 AM

Husain-Abdullah-Praying-in-End-Zone

The NFL said the Kansas City Chiefs’ Husain Abdullah should not have gotten a penalty flag for Unsportsmanlike Conduct when he slid to his knees for a quick Muslim prostration end zone celebration on Monday Night Football. The league issued a statement clarifying their policy of being completely whitewashed and pussified, yet somehow chalk full of violent criminals:

“The officiating mechanic in this situation is not to flag a player who goes to the ground as part of religious expression, and as a result, there should have been no penalty on the play.”

Religious expressions are fine. It’s the sliding where you get the infraction. You can score a touchdown, imitate the beheading of a Western journalist, and yell death to America, just no fucking sliding. It’s bad for the turf. In general, players are encouraged to wait until after the game and properly celebrate by popping off rounds in a nightclub. Abdullah agreed with the league and found a way to make his religious expression conform technically to the NFL’s policy of making their players appear as soulless drones:

“The prostration is all right. It’s the slide. Come to a full stop, get down, make the prostration, get up and get out.”

Abdullah is taking the inconsequential incident in stride, proving all Muslims are not insane extremists looking to twist everything into an assault on their faith. Also that my ignorant Muslim beheading stereotype was pretty out of bounds. Only a minuscule fraction of Muslims have any interest in beheading you. Though if you happen to run into one, those remote stats probably won’t offer you much consolation.

Tom Brady’s god Jesus was not available for comment on why he allowed the pick six in the first place.

Did Lacey Chabert Un-Fuck Her Way Out of Family Guy?

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

Lacey

Lacey Chabert voiced the role of Meg Griffin the first season of Family Guy but left under unexplained circumstances. She was replaced by Mila Kunis who has helped entertain stoned high school freshmen ever since. Chabert claims she voluntarily left after the first season:

“I actually left the show of my own accord. And only because I was in school and doing Party Of Five at the time. But I think the show is hilarious, and don’t have a grudge against her at all. I think she’s a great actress.”

Nobody leaves a voiceover gig on their own accord. You show up to a sound booth a couple hours a week in sweatpants and wait for never-ending checks to arrive in your mailbox. Dudes with throat cancer will try to voice that shit through their stoma to keep the easy money rolling in. Seth MacFarlane chimed in with a vague recollection of the ordeal:

“I think there was a mistake in her contract, and I guess she had not intended to be involved for, like, the full run of the show. I don’t even remember. To be honest, I don’t really, to this day, know what it was. It was nothing –- there was no tension or anything.”

That makes sense. A small, irrevocable clerical error in Chabert’s contract led to her being ousted from a successful show she kind of wanted no part in anyhow, Maybe her cousin had a lead in for her on assistant manager gig at Chili’s in Century City.  Or, you know, Seth McFarlane tried to fuck her and she declined. Consider that just a personal theory among friends. You shouldn’t really speculate when it comes to jobs at Chili’s.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

The Secret Service Is Gonna Get Obama Killed

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 6:36 AM

Obama

The Secret Service has taken a bad rap in recent years for banging prostitutes and getting wasted and not shooting Justin Bieber and burying him quietly in the Mojave desert. In recent weeks, knife wielding crazies seem to be trespassing into the White House with about as much difficulty as sneaking into a high school kegger. It’s possible the bell rang at Secret Service class before the teacher could answer, ‘And then what do we do if somebody climbs over the fence?’

A new report states the President rode an elevator earlier this month with an armed security contractor with three criminal convictions who was antagonizing the President and his entourage with his cell phone camera. People with criminal convictions are not supposed to be anywhere near the President, unless of course they’re members of his cabinet or Congressmen visiting from The Hill. And I’m pretty sure that rule goes double for convicted criminals carrying concealed hand guns.

It’s unclear how the Secret Service allowed this guy to share an elevator ride with the Commander in Chief. Maybe he slipped one of the agents some Taylor Swift tickets for his daughter in exchange for the once in a lifetime experience of going up and down with Barack. The President has to be a bit concerned with how poorly his human shield is protecting him these days. If I were Obama I’d swear in a a band of trained ninjas to shadow me in case my first line of defense starts tipping sizzurp and falling asleep on watch again. These wackadoos trying to get Obama might slip past a few hungover Federal agents, but they’re not surviving the throwing stars and blow guns.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Wiz Khalifa Went Out With a Bang

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 6:15 AM

Wiz

Amber Rose reportedly walked in on Wiz Khalifa banging twin sisters in their house, which was against their marital vows or something. This is according to DJ Peter Rosenberg, who claims Rose is a friend of his and also acknowledges being a bitchy little gossip queen. Rosenberg says Khalifa’s people spun the story a different way to make him seem less at fault. Those reps should have factored in the street points involved with bedding nubile young ebony twins. Rosenberg explained how it went down, most likely while nursing a four inch woody:

“Amber walked in on him with two women at the same time. Twins, twin sisters, twin biological sisters.”

Twin biological sisters is pretty freaking well played. Step sisters or soul sisters would’ve been like learning Santa didn’t really come down your chimney to leave you that firetruck. These chicks once shared an egg. Now they’re sharing your cock. That’s primal and crudely triumphant. Marriage is a sacred union, but sometimes you have to weigh your options. Especially when you are a straight guy married to a dude named Amber.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Amanda Bynes Has Gone Rogue, Again

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 3:38 PM

Amanda-Bynes-mom-and-dad

You know what’s thrice as likely to kill you than Ebola? Try Amanda Bynes off her psych meds and circling the city in her death beemer. Amanda’s anorexic parents said they thought she fled for New York after their conservatorship was lifted and only found out she was still local when they heard she was arrested for DUI in L.A. on Sunday. I guess that sort of defines the term cold comfort. Why they never reported their unhinged daughter was blasting like a schizo rocket back to New York to wreak havoc is still unexplained. It’s not like the scientists in Godzilla forgot to inform authorities that a 30-story nuclear charged reptile was headed for San Francisco. You’ve got some social responsibility to warn people about cataclysmic shit, even if deep down these two monsters are just well meaning sweethearts who got pushed into show business way too early.

Photo credit: PacificCoastNews

Ebola Is Finally Here, Huzzah!

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 3:05 PM

Ebola-Virus-Checkpoint

Not since the Africanized killer bees invaded the United States in the 80′s killing anywhere from ten million to four people have we faced such an epidemic from across the seas. Although I think the Africanized bees came from South America and that whole thing seemed kind of racist. Ebola is here. It was only a matter of time really since we started been providing red carpet landing ceremonies for every feverish traveler returning from Sierra Leone to be seen as inclusive. I think Malia Obama asked her dad for Ebola for Christmas since kids in tons of other countries were getting it already. It might be the other daughter whose name nobody remembers who will someday get tattoos.

Some patient just tested positive for Ebola in Dallas after returning from one of the clearly marked Ebola countries we just can’t seem to put a finger on when deciding who gets to enter the U.S.  Sort of like terrorists might be coming in from Syria or Iceland but we still haven’t figured out which. I’m not suggesting we tell people you can’t come back to the U.S. from Ebola central without a quarantine period and testing, I’m only suggesting that policy if we wish to live long enough to see the Browns win a Super Bowl.

Suelyn Medeiros Squats for Humanity

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 1:45 PM

Suelyn Medeiros Does Squats In LA
The best a foreigner with a big ass and dark hair can hope for is to be called the Kim Kardashian of her home country. It bestows upon the recipient all claim and title to be oiled and ready for rapper or top three professional sports franchise guaranteed contract money ballers. Also, you get some bikini model gigs for in-kind trade and a case of Otter Pops. Suelyn Medeiros is the Kim Kardashian of Brazil. Though I’m pretty she’s from L.A. and might be Puerto Rican. This isn’t like Heisman voting, you can’t take trophies back after the fact. You can watch Medeiros squat in the park for no apparent reason and decide for yourself. Until I see her dripping something that originated in a dude who can rhyme ‘forty’ with ‘shorty’ I’m putting in my vote for inconclusive on the Kardashian comparison.

Photo Credit: Splash