By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 1:21 PM
In the old days you could get radio programs banned in colleges towns for dropping an f-bomb or talking shit about The President. Now counter culture is now banging your girlfriend and not caring about her as a person. This world will turn you into a cranky old man and there’s jack shit you can do about it.
This week Matt and I get ridiculously not high and discuss the topics of the week in our Last Men on Earth podcast. It’s facetious. Guys who drink beer out of cans still represents two-percent or so of Americana. When we’re gone, we’re gone. But we’re not going quietly.
Thanks again to our sponsor ThePornDude.com which is now my exclusive portal for adult entertainment breaks when the lady’s soccer is going another hour of scoreless missed kicks.
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By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 12:16 PM
At this point, Miley Cyrus just won’t stop showing off her tits. This is a real dilemma. Who here has experience here telling a 22-year old chick to put her top back on? It’s unnatural. Like asking the bartender to under-pour your drinks. Or begging Hillary Clinton for longer stump speeches. If Cyrus really cared she’d dare her better looking friends to match her bravado. Quit hiding behind your intriguing garden themes, Cyrus. This world needs healing.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 10:56 AM
It’s one thing to repeat stupid pamphlet shit the chick you’re banging is selling, it’s another to let it linger after the scent of her sex is long gone. If Jenny McCarthy was bouncing around on your cock howling that vaccines cause autism, you’d be Magic Marker-ing up inane signs and attending rallies at the Coffee Bean yourself. Men kill for good pussy. You can back some unfounded science for the same. But that strange trail closed years ago. Still, Carrey went on a Twitter rant against California Governor Jerry Brown calling him a corporate fascist for signing into law a bill that would insist Facebook educated rich white moms either vaccinate their kids or home school their little rubella carrying viral magnets.
Anybody who has followed the history of pot smoking hippy governor Moonbeam knows that corporate fascist is a reach. You have to really love your conspiracy theories to want to bring back whooping cough and polio on the flipside. Look to the beard for the crazy. Dudes with beards who aren’t outdoorsman are never to be trusted.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 9:36 AM
According to the Daily Mail, a clickbait headline company with random words beneath, the Facebook rainbow flag option for profile pictures this past week may have been a cynical psychological test to support Mark Zuckerberg’s plan to take over the world and eliminate tits forever. Following the SCOTUS affirmation of same sex marriages, twenty-five millions people with the bandwagon instincts of a Lakers fan utilized the Facebook promoted app to doctor up their profile pictures in colors of the Gay Pride flag. It is possible Facebook was collecting information on who was accessing the app, how quickly, their click patterns and history, and a bunch of other shit that translates roughly into how to sell these same people dish soap and tampons.
Facebook itself has copped to running similar type human experiments in the past, though they always claim the data is aggregated and never isolated down to Angie Jennings at 147 Sequoia Lane, Elko, Nevada 89801, currently planting tomatoes in her backyard with her two children, the one who is doing well in school and nine-year old Aimee who will top out at ‘some college’ and marry young. The most important thing is you showed your friends with your four exclamation points and eleven seconds of commitment that you walk with the righteous. Rock on, Rosa Parks, 2015 edition.
By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 9:11 AM
Amber Heard would like people to know it’s hard being hot and blonde and bisexual in Hollywood. Also, a loaf of bread might cost sixty-four cents, but she’s not committing to that until she gets further information. Heard came out as bisexual in 2010 and ever since has suffered the consequences of seven major motion pictures and a marriage to Johnny Depp.
I don’t want to have to deny my sexuality in order to be me. But I don’t want to have to be defined by it. I’m fundamentally opposed to trying to edit myself to be palatable or popular. I don’t give a fuck. I fight, but I shouldn’t have to.
I’m not sure she said anything, but she’s super good looking and likes to go down on chicks, so it doesn’t matter. Though maybe it should to her husband. Heard claims she re-wrote several lines for her character in Magic Mike XXL to be more bisexual. She doesn’t necessarily have writing skills, but that’s trumped by the fact she knows what it’s like to have dick for dinner and pussy for dessert. Next week she’ll be picking up nuclear disarmament talks with Iran. Being bisexual is like staying at a Holiday Inn.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 8:20 AM
Kim Zolciak is known for three things. Fucking a fifty year old cop in a criminal investigation when she was seventeen. Marrying a football player and landing a spot on housewife TV. And her previous husband being arrested for banging the underaged babysitter. And, by famous, I mean, I didn’t know any of this shit or who the fuck she was until I googled her. Her oldest kid of six by three different dudes turned eighteen which means she too can spend her days talking about her tits on social media. Daughter Brielle Biermann has been responding to assertions that she got breast implants. You can’t let that shit go unanswered. That’s how Al Gore lost in 2000.
Brielle added that she’s been regularly posting revealing shots of her teen tits to social media for several years now rendering it impossible for her to have the down time to be implanted and bandaged. This seems like how Hitchcock murder mysteries might go if he was working in 2015. I’d say it’s nobody’s business but her own, but that’s clearly not true. It’s just encouraging to see America’s youth applying a trade. Or at least just happy with their birth gender. Nice fake tits, Brielle. I’m onto you.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 01, 2015 @ 7:40 AM
The drummer of Journey has been arrested on charges of rape, coercion, unlawful use of a weapon, sexual abuse, and wearing Ed Hardy shirts, which carries a mandatory sentence outside of Little Armenia. Deen Castronovo was immediately booted from their mall and state fair tour because if you can replace your lead singer with a diminutive Pilipino man then your drummer is obviously expendable. Who knows what happened between he and his wife but let’s assume drugs were involved. Perhaps we need more than one word when it comes to rape. I get you made a phone call, but odds are the guy wasn’t hiding in the garage with a face mask. He actually sleeps there in the bed next to you. Let’s just call him a shitty husband and get your brothers together to beat him something good. Wheel in the sky keeps on turning. You’ll miss him when he’s gone. He was an asshole, but he was your asshole.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt July 01, 2015 @ 7:09 AM
The rapper who cut off his dick and jumped off a building did a candid interview and stood by his choices, remarkably on the outside of prison walls. Stephen Hawking remains wheelchair bound. God must be dropping the ball. Christ Bearer stated that he was high at the time, shockingly:
“PCP and meth and Molly and alcohol. And no sleep. That was the main thing, no sleep.”
No I think the main thing was the PCP and meth. Otherwise you might have gone to sleep. Christ Bearer retains a high level of self confidence for a dickless man, and is even bragging about the size of it even though he cut most of it off. That takes balls:
“I did cut a lot of my penis off. Due to the fact that it’s not a myth, the black man do, I’m not really going to go into it too much, we hangin’, so I’m still able to work with what I’m able to work with, and get it down. I’m the only man ever did what the fuck I did, and I’m proud of it. Because why? In the annals of history, I don’t think you got anybody who ever did it. I might’ve made the biggest mistake ever in history. But I’m proud of that.”
I’ve gone from irritated to morbidly curious and now I’m fully back on board. Give this dude a reality show ASAP. Caitlyn Jenner hasn’t even cut off her dick yet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Photo Credit: Instagram