Will Smith Happily Gay Married

By Matt August 04, 2015 @ 8:30 AM

Smith

Gay Will Smith and his lesbian wife are not getting a divorce because they’re probably not actually married plus that would be a huge hassle. Namely Scientology has enough on their plate without another character assassination. Smith took to Twitter and said about twelve things that straight guys don’t:

“Under normal circumstances, I don’t usually respond to foolishness. (Because it’s contagious) But, so many people have extended me their “deepest condolences” that I figured – “What the hell… I can be foolish, too!” So, in the interest of redundant, repetitious, over & over-again-ness… Jada and I are… NOT GETTING A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! : -) I promise you all – if I ever decide to divorce my Queen – I SWEAR I’ll tell you myself! ‪#‎Dumb‬ People Should Have to Wear Scarlet D’s”

There are a few rules in life, namely you don’t have longer hair than your wife. Also she’s not a queen but you are. I don’t know what Scarlet D means but I also don’t frequent The Manhole in the Castro while wearing a bad hat I just bought at the gas station. Keep writing those checks to Miscavige. #dumb #closet.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Ice T Branding His Kid

By Matt August 04, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

T

Ice T just knocked up his wife whom he married to brag about her silicon ass to his friends. He’s 57. She’s a young 74. Ice has a few children from previously relationships. In fact he hit for the cycle and his grandson is in jail for shooting a dude with a stolen gun. It’s unclear if Ice jerked off into a cup or onto her hair. When the kid is 16 he’ll be Robocop. Don’t worry about the math. Luckily rappers have a long life span. Ice T has been on Law and Order SVU since 1999. That’s sixteen seasons, now you know how your grandmother spends her days. Those residuals keep coming in. The kid’s name is Chanel. Pepsi is considering tattooing its face just waiting for the check to clear. Why is your dad dead? Weekend at Bernies SVU. You just got Iced.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Lex Is On Hiatus

By Matt August 04, 2015 @ 6:30 AM

Swayze

For the eight readers who give a shit, Lex is currently on a much needed vacation slash undergoing sexual reassignment surgery. That means they’re turning his medium sized cock into a huge cunt. He will be back soon enough, in the meantime keep faxing in the hate mail. Even the great ones need a break every now and then. Lex, also. See you in hell.

Photo Credit: MovieClips/Youtube 

Bethenny Frankel Is Gross And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 03, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Real Housewife of whatever the fuck Bethenny Frankel is fucking gross. She looks like a Halloween skeleton covered in cold cut turkey meat. Who told her she was hot?

See the horror for yourself. (TMZ)

India Reynolds takes off her clothes just for you. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Ellie Goulding in a tight blue bikini is a very good thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

Selena Gomez in nothing but a towel. (Hollywood Tuna)

Guess what? Kylie Jenner is scantily clad. (Popoholic)

Who doesn’t love a good thigh gap? (The Chive)

Subway’s Jared bragged about fucking 16 year olds in his texts. (The Superficial)

 

Gisele Bundchen Finds Solace

By Matt August 03, 2015 @ 8:30 AM

Bundchen

Following her husband smashing his cellphone with a sledgehammer and then smirking about it while playing the victim, Gisele pretended to do yoga with her “Soul sister” on Instagram. The problem with fulling lesbianing out is you have to be buzzed and only half the party really really wants to. As you can see in the super hot black chick’s eyes and exposed vagina. Nice diversity, put it in your portfolio next to your college brochure shoot. This should definitely make up for your Nazi parents fleeing international prosecution. Why does our travel agent have a cute armband? Fuck that’s a nice beach. What is American Football? Can I find a dude taller than me who gives a shit about lingerie? Heil Brady. I’ll take the top off that Oreo anytime.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Cecil The Lion’s Brother Assassinated

By Matt August 03, 2015 @ 7:30 AM

Lion

Dr Giggles aka Walter Palmer killed Cecil the Lion two days after fucking up his bow shot and stalking the corpse while it bled out after Cecil was promised a sweepstakes prize if he just tiptoed past the fence. TMZ, known for their zoological surveys, is now reporting Cecil’s brother Jericho was killed by poachers. I don’t know much about lion behavior but definitely more than the vapid dropouts at TMZ so I’m going to blindly theorize that Cecil’s brother went looking for him and crossed the protected zone that Cecil was dragged out of in lynch mode and was promptly shot. I don’t trust you with my wisdom teeth if you get off on chopping off something’s head. Now they’re never getting the bad back together. Enjoy Belize you fucking cock smoker. Rednecks come in all colors. Lay off the trailer parks.

EDITED TO ADD: TMZ is now reporting Jericho is alive and well. Apparently their dubiously credible coverage of current events extends beyond humanity to the entire animal kingdom. Possibly their source in Zimbabwe is confused since all lions look exactly alike.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jared Fogle Likes Them Young

By Matt August 03, 2015 @ 6:30 AM

Foge

Fat thin guy or possibly thin fat guy Jared Fogle apparently fucked a Subway employee with whom he openly shared the fact that he’d fucked a sixteen year old hooker. Before you assume this sandwich artist is a keeper realize she ratted him out to authorities. Fogle reportedly bragged about the encounter, which any woman would find offensive were it Shirley Temple let alone the chick cut from the cheerleading squad. If you ever get a text like this, realize nobody else is into it and they’re baiting you. After talking way too much about his exploits, the no doubt haggard and bitter human resources worker texted him from the FBI’s Radisson suite complete with plastic cups:

“Is this the same website you found that 16-year-old girl that you fucked. . . .I still can’t believe you only paid $100 for her.”

This is when you say something like I don’t know what you’re talking about and someone stole my phone. Fogle, whose phone was hidden somewhere in his pockets of flab and processed cheese ridden mitochondria reportedly responded “It was amazing.” This is why you can’t trust women. Or men for that matter. You don’t become a sixteen year old hooker without more than two unhealthy role models. Bottom line, learn how to negotiate. That’s why you stay in high school. Lest you end up working for Subway. Never trust a Fogle. The meatballs aren’t bad.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Heidi Klum Tans Buck Naked And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 31, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Heidi Klum is still looking pretty hot in spite of having had like 5 million kids and being in her late forties. You wish your girl looked this good now much less in middle age. Here she is sunbathing topless in Sardinia.

Check out her Teutonic majesties. (The Superficial)

Kendall Schuler’s topless tits will make your wiener happy. (Egotastic All-Stars)

So, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are still alive. (TMZ)

James Woods sues a Twitter troll for 10 million dollars. (Dlisted)

ESPN host Lindsay Czarniak is sexy on Instagram. (COED)

Please enjoy Shay Mitchell’s sideboob. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hot chicks in sunglasses. It’s a new fetish! (The Chive)