Leave it to Amanda Bynes to find humor in even the most serious of situations. That crazy little scamp. Police arrested her for smoking weed and tossing her bong out of hi-rise window to hide the evidence, oh, and for being bat shit crazy. But Amanda knows what’s really going on. Probably a conspiracy. Might be related to terror events in London, the Chinese nuclear program, and the real reason the Ferris Bueller TV show spinoff never made it. But just know it runs deep. How else to explain a girl who’s never used drugs or had a drink being routinely busted for drinking and driving and drug possession. Some people keep glass pipes as collectibles. And some people like to throw their collectibles out the window at the sound of knocks at their door. That’s how I lost my entire He-Man Mint in Box collector’s set. Leave Amanda alone!
Amanda Bynes Is Innocent of Bong Throwing — According to Amanda Bynes
Mariah Carey Bursts at the Seams (VIDEO)
When I got too fat in college (yeah, I went, kinda) and burst a pair of my pants trying to drunk dance on top of a car, all I got was humiliated, ticketed, and a cold winter chill up my ass. I wish I had handlers like Mariah Carey. Concerned girls with headsets who come keep me from public indecency in the moments my flesh mounds defy their corset restraints. Word is Mariah has seven such girls who follow her everywhere. One girl’s job is to make sure Mariah doesn’t fall down the stairs. Another girl makes sure Mariah has the proper toilet paper to pepper her smears. And one girl’s job is to let Nick Cannon bang her in the ass while wearing a Mariah wig. Mariah has no time for any of this. She has a couple young kids she needs to see every other Tuesday for an hour. The caged bird has to sing.
Paz Vega In a Low Cut Dress
Parties raising money to cure The AIDS really have the best looking women. They really do. Those women also dress super skimpy and show off tons of skin. You can really get some serious wood walking around The AIDS research galas. And when you’re buddies give you shit for getting a boner at a gay event, just tell them it’s not a gay event and shut the fuck up and then throw something at them and cry. I’ve done that twice now. Stupid homophobes.
Here’s Paz Vega at the amfAR event in Cannes.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, WENN
Spanish Teacher Fired For Saying Negro
In what has to be the stupidest fucking case of political correctness ever, a Spanish teacher in the Bronx was fired for saying the word ‘negro’ in class. Poor old Petrona Smith was teaching the kids the Spanish names for the colors one day when a kid took offense to the word ‘negro’, the Spanish word for the color black. He complained and she got fired. Forget that the teacher herself is negro, err, black, and the school is officially bilingual (as opposed to every single other school in N.Y. or L.A. which is unofficially bilingual). She’s suing the school for wrongful termination on the grounds that the school administrators are retarded a-holes. She’ll win. If I ever paid my taxes, I’d be revolted.
Kristen Stewart Twice As Angry As Ever
Sometimes I wonder how awesome life would be if instead of flipping the bird, Kristen Stewart just held her breath when she got angry. Stop taking my picture! I’m not pretty! My parents are in the business! ~ Hu-ommmmmmmm. We could sit on a bench and drink a couple brews while we place bets on how long until Kristen passes out. She’s very angry. You know she’s going well past blue to prove her point.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Porn Is The New Sex Ed
The British government’s education department has declared war on porn…and is losing. The body that oversees sex education in schools is concerned over the ease of access to pornography and the distorted message all that double penetration and bukkake sends to kids. They are changing the curriculum specifically to combat the shit that kids see on graphic porn sites like teenscumonelephants.com and similarly awesome hypothetical online destinations. Not only that, but they are going to start really early, like early elementary school early. It makes sense. By the time a reasonably savvy kid t is eight today, they’ve probably seen seen hundreds of big busty tits getting spunked on. And that’s just not how sex works in the real world, unless you’re very very lucky.
At Ellen’s New Mansion, The Carpets Do Match The Drapes (And You’re Eating Both If You Want to Move In)
There was this guy in my circle of friends, he used to hang out at the bars, get lucky with the ladies every now and then, until one day up and told everybody he was moving in with some older man. He declared himself gay, packed his few material goods, and moved into this swank palace of a place where he still watches all his sports, drinks his beer, doesn’t seem to work much, and, yeah, once a week or so he probably doinks this guy in the rectum and calls him by some effeminate version of his real name. I’ve read enough Anderson Cooper articles to know that being gay isn’t a choice. But what I also know is that if you’ve got to make a choice, choose somebody with a nice fat bank roll who can support your lifestyle. Like Portia de Rossi. Yeah, she has to snarfle Ellen’s mannish wet spot on occasion to keep the high life rolling, but check out this new $25 million pad Ellen just bought the pair of them in Montecito. We’re all whores, the only question is what do we get in the bargain.
Melissa Riso In A Bikini
I read Melissa Riso’s bio. She was working in a hair salon when somebody told her she should be a model. I never really believe these stories. I think girls who are really hot want to be models from the time they can recite the alphabet. They may not know what it means exactly yet, but they’ve felt the thrill of enough compliments on their looks to know they want to make that special feeling the center of their universe. I think what really happened in that hair salon is that Melissa was washing some old lady’s nasty locks, brushing out some snarls and lyme disease, when she just decided, fuck this shit, I’m headed to L.A. to go sell my body. I only know this because that’s every single hot girls story here. Only, sometimes it’s not a hair salon, it’s the Returns desk at Target. That place is hell on earth.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
