Maryna Linchuk Poses for a Bikini Shoot

By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 4:33 PM

Maryna Linchuk Poses For A Sexy Bikini Shoot In The May 2014 Issue Of Vogue Spain
Girls from Belarus can do fierce face better than American girls. That’s a scientific fact. American women are soft from too many take-out salads and advanced sexual toys and Fat Oprah owned channels. While Belarus women must fight the local swamp rats for scraps of dead pigeon entrails to feed their families. You start fighting the local rodent population to avoid starvation, you’ll get a fierce fucking smirk. It could also be gas.

Photo Credit: Vogue Spain

Teri Polo Files For Bankruptcy

By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 4:02 PM

Teri Polo Looks Frumpy Leaving Starbucks In Los Angeles
Being the star of a J-Lo all-inclusive, multicultural, multisexuality, multiethnic, multiracial, blended family dramedy doesn’t pay like it used to, because Teri Polo just filed for bankruptcy. Looks like she busted right through that Fockers dough on essential handbags and Whole Foods dried fruit and now owes her credit card company and the IRS a ton o’ cash she can’t afford to pay back. Also, her landlord is suing her because he says she turned her luxury rental into a giant crapper for her twenty million dogs who pushed out feces in every corner of the abode and on the front walk, forcing even the neighbors to complain of the fetid smell. I don’t suppose Jennifer Lopez could come by with her shiny new GLAAD Media Award for The Fosters and use it to help Teri scoop up some of the turds. Or maybe just give her a raise so she can afford Whole Foods again. Nobody wants to see a TV star shopping at Ralph’s. It’s unsettling.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Elmo Gets a Free Pass on the Sodomy

By Jack April 23, 2014 @ 2:42 PM

Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash is in the clear after a court of appeals judge threw out his child molestation case. Three men brought a suit against Clash for trying to stick his hand up their puppet holes when they were still under the age of majority. The case was dismissed because the statute of limitations was up before the molested boys filed the suit. Clash is still facing a legal threat from a dude who claims that Clash made him smoke crystal meth before learning the words of the day, ‘ass’ and ‘rape’. Clash was driven off Sesame Street by Big Bird carrying a kitchen knife after allegations of diddling kids first appeared. Sadly, they quickly found a replacement puppeteer to stick his hand into Elmo, meaning that irritating bitch of a puppet lives on. I can only imagine how pleased that makes Clash’s victims who probably look for an upper floor window every time they hear that piercing voice.

Please Stop Fingering Iggy Azalea

By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 2:21 PM

Iggy Azalea Performs In Hot Pants And A Bra At The mtvU Woodie Awards In Austin
Iggy Azalea now wears multiple layers of protective undergarments in concert because when she crowd surfs, a bunch of dudes and girls keep literally sticking their fingers up the figurative title of her track, Pu$$y. The finger banging itself seems kind of sexist because a vagina is involved. Vaginas make everything sexist. Though drunk stoned fans have been known to grab the packages on guys they like too when surfing by, but it’s different for a lady. Actually, maybe that is sexist. This shit is tricky.

“Like, they think I’m real slutty, like ‘Oh, she got a song called ‘Pu$$y,’ I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.’ Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.”

Who buys a whole album these days? I’ll tell you who? Finger rapists, that’s who. Might as well dump that entire customer list from the iTunes store and start rounding those animals up. Iggy says she sees people on Twitter before her shows talking about fingering her and she tries to tell them it’s not okay. Sign of the devil, cool. One in the stink, one in the pink, unacceptable. She wants it to stop because it’s, well, rape, and as wrong as white Australian rappers, only even a little bit more.

I hope we can all agree that Iggy Azalea is in the right on this issue. Also, we can all agree we’ve never fucking heard of Iggy Azalea until now.

Photo Credit: Getty

Gwyneth Paltrow Dumps Her Stalker

By Jack April 23, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow slapped a stalker with a restraining order after he managed to get into her house twice. The plucky weirdo, Nickolaos Gavrilis, was able to bullshit his way into both her London and LA homes by saying he had an appointment with her. Really? That’s what it took to get by her security and staff? Let’s send this guy after Putin. The restraining order says that Gavrilis can’t come within 100 yards of Gwyneth, her kids, or her estranged mildly autistic gay husband. It’s unclear if the stalker wanted to ritualistically slaughter Gwyneth and eat her face or simply wanted to ejaculate in her eye cream. Or both. I think perhaps Gwyneth should reconsider this restraining order. Now that she’s getting consciously uncoupled it is going to be harder on her to meet men. Women over forty who are incredibly unlikable have a tough time with the whole dating thing. Here is a guy who loves her unconditionally and is willing to go through a lot to meet her. I think he’s a keeper.

PETA Protestors Topless Outside The Tower of London

By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 12:57 PM

PETA Protestors Wear Body Paint And Hold Signs Outside The Tower of London
If I had to choose between the shrill screams of angry jobless journalism majors or a simple sign and a pair of painted tits, I’d choose the latter. But I’m pretty sure the PETA ladies who come up with these topless in public plans don’t think their strategies completely through. If a topless woman asks a dude to give up the slaughtered flesh of baby lambs, he’ll say yes without hesitation. The minute those tits disappear, he’ll be biting into the neck of a llama to fulfill his carnivorous destiny. Now, you bring those bad girls back to the flat, he might just clear out the suckling pig in the fridge. For a good toss in the sack, he’ll probably shove those fake meat patties that taste like dirt up his ass and swear off consuming all sentient creatures. Men require a value proposition. This is 2014. You can see ten thousand tits for free on the Internet. PETA, if you truly love animals, you’ll tell the girls to dig a little deeper into their vagina pockets during field ops.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Lisa Opie In A Black Bikini

By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 12:33 PM

Lisa Opie In A Black Bikini At The Beach In Miami
With the World Cup just around the corner and business association gunmen in Rio lining up street urchins to dump into the rivers, you can bet part time models are going to be wearing lots of soccer jerseys in public. It’s how girls who date for a living throw down their colors. This chick seems to be going strong for Argentina. It could be her pride for the boys of the Rio de la Plata. Or it could be she’s a walking semaphore for the drug cartels offloading their submarine full of cocaine into the skiffs off the coast of Miami. I haven’t had a date in long enough that I’d pretend to be supportive of her role in either option.

Photo Credit: Splash

Bree Olson Is Crossing Over To Mainstream Films

By Travis April 23, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Equally known for her work in the porn industry and as one of the “goddesses” that Charlie Sheen ruined for the rest of mankind, Bree Olson has decided that it’s time to make her run at crossover success as a legitimate film actress. While most of her latest roles are in small, independent comedies that sound terrible, Bree’s biggest role to date (that doesn’t involve being gang-banged by strangers) will be in The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence. The extent of her role isn’t known, but the film’s star, Eric Roberts, at least leaked some plot details to Entertainment Weekly yesterday.

“We have a centipede that is made of prison inmates, and they’re all hooked together. When you see this, you will never want to commit a crime and go to prison. It’s really horrible.”

Having your mouth sewn to another person’s anus and being in a long chain of people who are just shitting into each other’s throats only to eventually die from a terrible sickness? That’s almost as bad as voluntarily sleeping with Charlie Sheen.

Photo Credit: Getty