It’s easy to mock Miley Cyrus, it’s tougher to applaud her for being the rare celebrity who shows off her tits and truly does not give a fuck. It’s like Katherine Heigl if Katherine Heigl were way less attractive and really fun instead of the exact opposite. That’s a horrible example. Miley let some magazine photographer follow her around with an all-access camera. He got as far as her duodenum with his laparoscope before she called out her safe word and the photographer was thrown out of the Wonka factory with his hand clenched tightly around a memory stick that smelled like Goobers. These are our everyday heroes.
You ever get the feeling you’re not supposed to be looking at somebody without their clothes on? Another five minutes and I’ll figure out how best to body shame Nina Agdal. Those elbows. Is she kidding anybody with that ass? Accept yourself the way you are if you wish, but you’re living a lie. Fatty.
Suge Knight remains behind bars awaiting his murder trial for plowing his truck into two dudes who looked at him squirrelly. His attorney claims that Knight’s good buddy Floyd Mayweather is coming to post Knight’s $10 million bail after Saturday’s fight, First thing’s first on the to-do list. Beat Pacquiao. Bail out Suge. Kight’s lawyer went on to say that his trial defense will consist of telling the jury that the videotape of Knight’s truck driving over two people only shows the truck, not the driver. You can’t convict a truck for murder. That doesn’t sound stupid enough to work, just stupid.
Mayweather makes a shitload of questionable personal decisions and also beats women. He’ll be led into the ring tomorrow by Justin Bieber. I wouldn’t put it past him to put up the big cash to get Suge Knight out of jail. He’s just that stupid, Mayweather that is. Not Suge Knight. He’s smart enough to know when it’s time to run. Mayweather’s squandered cash will do wonders for the L.A. court budget while rumors of Suge murdering people in Ecuador start to become common lyrics in rap tunes.
Katy Perry pissed off commie officials in China by wearing a stupid looking dress made out of sunflowers. Apparently sunflowers are the symbol of some anti-government protest group in China called the Runflowers. Yeah, screw you.
When Victoria’s Secret declared they were making a big announcement, three thousand ragamuffins rose from their rickety seats in Myanmar, stood on their sewing tables, and collectively cheered, ‘We are free!’. Then Victoria’s Secret came out with the news they had a new team of Angels and the kids in Myanmar quickly took their seats to the sting of the electric shocks in their ani that keep them working at a measured pace. Still, this is very good news for the rest of us named Leonard DiCaprio.
The Huffington Post is so ripe with click bait money they likely don’t think twice about shilling for brand sponsors without bothering to label their content as such. Since you follow Rihanna’s career closely, you’ll remember Puma took a break from shining Nazi memorabilia in their basement Hall of Honor to name Rihanna their creative director and global brand ambassador and also run their company snack shop on Tuesdays. Apparently, HuffPo was counting the days until the first ad campaign came out:
Ever since the singer inked a reported $1 million deal to serve as the brand’s global ambassador, we knew an epic ad campaign was in the works. And let us tell you, it does not disappoint.The Bajan beauty looks fierce as hell wearing a midriff-baring top, leggings and, of course, the company’s new Pulse XT sneakers. We’re not sure about you, but Riri looks so cool, we want to run to our nearest Puma store and buy the look.
I’m sure about me. Stop running commercials in the place of the banal content we’ve come to expect. Millennials need to form their baseless opinions somewhere and that somewhere is your low cost farm of millennials whose featured skill is zero hesitation in using the word ‘epic’ and ‘cool’ to describe a picture of Rihanna selling shoes. I stand with Morgan Freeman. Fuck the media. I’m canceling my subscription to everything but Jet.
I don’t know what the fuck a handful of cops did to Freddy Gray. You don’t know. The State’s Attorney doesn’t really know but she’s filing murder charges against them after three minutes of deliberation on a hastily put together police report. A process that might normally take months, boiled down to a reactionary panicked couple of days. Nobody wants to see Baltimore burn, except everybody outside of Baltimore because we didn’t give a shit before The Wire and after The Wire we’re pretty sure whatever rises from the ashes has to be better.
Morgan Freeman is the latest to yell Fuck the Media for not reporting on problems in Baltimore until the riots lit shit on fire. Which could have been solved if Morgan Freemen just went to Baltimore before the riots and told everyone he’d detail his sexual trysts with his granddaughter only after they covered urban blight and police brutality in Charm City. Lamenting the state of modern news media is so fucking 90′s. Shitty things happen in shitty areas. The solution to how crappy things are in Baltimore is to move the fuck out of Baltimore. You can be poor in tons of places in this country where there aren’t riots and the cops won’t ever come around, even when you could use them. Try West Virginia. Just don’t sling ginseng and you’ll be alright.
Miley Cyrus is beginning to look like that fun younger aunt you hear your parents whispering about needing an intervention. The one who brings over new boyfriends every time she visits and makes out with them on the couch before chain smoking on the back stoop. Early professional success is a real fucking bugaboo. Barely making rent is a tether line to not doing incredibly stupid shit all the time. Having to work to get laid is another. Black street kids in Baltimore think they’ve got problems. Try being a rich white girl in Hollywood. You have no idea what angst feels like.