Derrick Rose Doesn’t Dance

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

When Team America was receiving their gold medals for the FIBA Basketball World Cup, all the players suddenly broke out into that half assed dance people do when they’re spending EBT money on bottle service. Except for Derrick Rose, who stood there with the posture of a designated driver who is ready to leave the party because being sober truly sucks. Rose has always refused to shimmy with his teammates. His pragmatic wet blanket views on the subject should lead his teammates to some serious self-reflection:

“They show it forever so it’s going to be bad… I don’t like seeing people embarrass themselves… Like in a movie, I’ll turn the channel if somebody’s about to embarrass themselves or something like that. So for me to do it, it would be crazy… There’s a time and a place for that, and I don’t think its right then and there.”

Having one non jackass on a twelve man roster is better than nothing. It mathematically represents the ratio of ass to non-ass found in most sports. Rose deserves a commendation for what was clearly a brave sacrifice. That’s assuming he was really taking a principled stand and not just afraid his crackerjack knee would scatter into forty-seven pieces if he attempted one Cabbage Patch.

Chernobyl Vacations For the Budget Conscious

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 7:36 AM

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The Ukrainian government designated Chernobyl as a tourist attraction in an attempt to bring in more foreign dollars to use in their futile fight to keep their best looking teenaged girls from going to work strip clubs in the West. Troves of “nuclear tourists” have flocked to Chernobyl, many seeking an especially morbid experience like finding personal keepsakes left behind in the nuclear fallout evacuation, taking maudlin photos of dusty dolls, and then tributing the photos in the woods when their rented Filipina wives aren’t looking.

The abandoned city features many amenities. Borderline dangerous radiation levels for the next two-thousand or so years, starving wolves, and former Soviet Union war criminals exiled to abandoned buildings who would strangle you for an ounce of non-radiated peanut butter. For the kids, there are the areas many scenic lakes and rivers that won’t necessarily give you skin cancer if you shower in the liquid form of argon within seconds of exposure. There’s plenty of stone ground cornbread and pickled herring to be had and there are never any lines. It already sounds better than Disneyland.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Martha Stewart Pops Gwyneth Paltrow Right in the Bitch Parts

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

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Martha Stewart recently took the time to talk shit about a bunch of people before strapping on a fake smile to boil some butter in more butter. Stewart slammed Gwyneth Paltrow for stepping onto her turf and profiting from the advertising of a sterile material based lifestyle that will drive away men. This is probably a sign of Paltrow’s perceived weakness in The Hamptons and related territories. You’d never move on a Paltrow at full strength.

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

To suggest Gwyneth Paltrow lacks confidence is like suggesting the devil lacks cunning. More than likely Paltrow just saw an opportunity to make shit loads of money selling crap to empty nesters. That doesn’t make you a Martha Stewart biter, it just proves Kabbalah is better than golf for business connections. I’ve got Paltrow in this fight. Mostly just because she frightens me more than Martha Stewart. When Gwyneth surveys the battlefield all bloodied and gored, I want her to know I chose to stand with the properly moisturized side.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Urban Outfitters Is Desperate

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 6:12 AM

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Urban Outfitters has stooped to a new low in their attempt to appeal to kitschy tongue in cheek hipsters and frat boys who let their shirts do their talking because they were born without personalities. They recently offered up a Kent State sweatshirt which looks like blood is spattered all over it. You don’t have to run a CSNY fan page on Facebook to get the reference. This keeps with Urban Outfitter’s tradition of offering up shitty puns and juxtapositions on their clothing. It’s one thing to sell a five dollar T shirt for thirty bucks because it says “Suck My Footlong” with a picture of a sandwich. It’s another to intertwine your bullshit company with one of America’s national tragedies. Kent State was not amused:

“This item is beyond poor taste and trivializes a loss of life that still hurts the Kent State community today.”

To be fair, Kent State could actually do something important so maybe people can get over the dead students from forty-five years ago. Maybe they can buy one of those God particle laboratories and accidentally blow up the universe or something. Urban Outfitters was quick to respond to the outrage, or not so quick if you consider they had a pre-prepared statement in the hip pocket and all they had to do was unfold it:

“Urban Outfitters sincerely apologizes for any offense our Vintage Kent State Sweatshirt may have caused. It was never our intention to allude to the tragic events that took place at Kent State in 1970 and we are extremely saddened that this item was perceived as such… There is no blood on this shirt nor has this item been altered in any way. The red stains are discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray.”

That’s not really even a decent attempt at a lie. I hope someone pipe bombs Urban Outfitters corporate headquarters, takes a photo of the debris and rubble, and laminates it on a shirt that says “Urban Outfitters Is The Bomb”. It would be nice if nobody died during the bombing so I can live with myself. Charge one-hundred bucks for the shirt and hipsters will instinctively start forming a line.

Photo Credit: Urban Outfitters 

Victoria Silvstedt Stretches Lucratively

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

Victoria Silvstedt Does Yoga While On The Phone In Central Park
Central Park is the people’s park. Victoria Silvstedt is a people. If she wants to produce live cam shows from the lawn, unless some kid under seven sees her pink or stink, I’m good with it. Victoria is actively engaged in managing her personal funds. She’s investing her money for a time when men leave $15 iTunes gift cards on her nightstand instead of black AmEx cards. Everybody wants golden years hammock money, to lie back in the sun, hear the ocean breezes, and dream about the buckets and buckets of sperm that went into building your nest egg.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Miley Cyrus Bastardizes The Hippies

By Matt September 15, 2014 @ 1:58 PM

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Miley Cyrus just released a fairly shitty rudimentary cover of Led Zeppelin’s “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”, presumably in correlation to her new art/fashion/whatever the fuck it is Dirty Hippy collection of obnoxious looking shit she paid someone to assemble and took credit for. Cyrus has a few characteristics of actual hippies: an overstated self righteousness, a drug habit, and what is surely a large volume of unprotected sex with people she will regret twenty years from now if she happens to remember.

Most hippies sold out as soon as it stopped being cool, so Cyrus’ dabbling in stink culture is pretty typical of the old guard who all took jobs with Monsanto once the pussy dried up. Cyrus will surely offend some diehards who think exploiting their belief system to hawk shitty merchandise at Target is uncouth, but nobody really listens to them anyway since they are toothless and decrepit shack dwellers, plus Cyrus has no idea what hippies believe anyway, she just likes the shiny colors and not having to conform to the conventional standards of beauty or washing.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Adrian Peterson Defenders Don’t Get It

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 1:37 PM

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I’m all for leaving the government out of the bedroom, the bathroom, and the shed where you whip your boy with deciduous branches. I intend to have kids one day. I’m going to bring back an 1880′s style of dramatic consequences so physical in nature, that people will hail my name is the man who returned our nation’s youth, all bloodied and beaten and perfectly well-mannered. But Adrian Peterson isn’t really a dad. He’s a football player who likes to stroke his ego by impregnating women so the world may know the power of his seed. He’s doing this shit intentionally. He didn’t even know he had one kid until that kid was beaten to death. He may have as many as seven kids around the country.

Every summer Peterson hosts a Meet Dad Camp at his estate in Texas where his multitude of bastards get a couple weeks bowing down to the peacock before receiving some Vikings swag and Greyhound ticket back to their mom. Just because you pay the court ordered child support and you like to brag about your reproductive powers doesn’t make you dad. Charles Barkley says all the black dads in the South whoop their kids like this. Great. Fucking have at it. Make the Lorax weep with all the trees you fell just to make the perfect switch. But you can’t lacerate rent-a-kid the day before he’s packed in the FexEd box and delivered back to his real home. Get some perspective. Adrian Peterson isn’t a throwback disciplinarian. He’s just a pretend dad who likes to hit kids with real sticks.

Photo credit: Splash News

Kanye West Hates The Handicapped And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 15, 2014 @ 12:39 PM

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Kanye West managed to piss off pretty much everyone when he yelled at two handicapped people in wheelchairs for not standing up at his show. I guess maybe he thought he could heal them with his asshole Yeezus power.

Watch Kanye be the second worse thing to happen to the handicapped. (Dlisted)

Eva Longoria is still pretty fucking hot in a bikini. (Popoholic)

Lisa Opie does downward facing dog and causes upward facing wiener. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nicki Minaj uses a butt cushion to make her ass appear bigger. (The Superficial)

Urban Outfitters is in trouble for making fun of a forty year old shooting. (COED)

Martha Stewart hates on Gwyneth Paltrow because there can be only one crafty cunt. (Huffington Post)

Serena Williams’ ass makes me want to practice my stroke. (Drunken Stepfather)