Eva Marcille Politely Requests You Stare at Her Tits

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 11:26 AM

Eva Marcille Reveals Boob As She Attends Premiere For Sister Code
I like when actresses I don’t know show off their tits on the red carpet. It forces me into journalst mode though I have no formal training or I formal clue in that regard. Who is this woman? What has she been in? What are her dreams and hopes and aspirations. That seems like a lot of work merely to justify hoping her breasts fall out of her top. You do it.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Taylor Swift Shakes It All Off

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 10:06 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Bra And Leggings While Performing On Jimmy Kimmel Live
People got kind of pissed last night when Hollywood Boulevard got shut down for a Taylor Swift outdoor pop performance for Jimmy Kimmel. Even the ex-con costumed characters agreed to stop fighting over turf and come together in their hatred toward Taylor Swift for crapping out their unlicensed panhandling for an evening. In your face pedo-Chewbacca, according to Taylor Swift, her music and her muse is currently all about telling the haters that they can’t touch her or the camel toe she was flashing:

“You know what? If you’re upset and irritated that I’m just being myself, I’m going to be myself more, and I’m having more fun than you so it doesn’t matter.”

I’m pretty sure she borrowed eloquence from Dr. King on that one. Taylor’s ‘I don’t care’ attitude is an evolution from her ‘why is everybody picking on me’ doctrine of previous years. It signals she’s made the leap from grammar school to middle school thinking which should please her developmental therapist. As for me, I just like when the music stops and the bad people and their traffic go away.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/PacificCoastNews/AKM-GSI

Stella Maxwell Wears Underwear Super Well

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 8:58 AM

Stella Maxwell Wears Underwear For Urban Outfitters
This chick seems to be getting a lot of jobs. Probably all those IT certifications on her resume. Maybe her perfectly tight ass which says to the world, I don’t need no fucking IT certifications. I’ll find a guy to set up my email. Good for you, sweetheart. The biggest mistake people make in life is wasted effort.

Photo Credit: Urban Outfitters

Ebola Takes Manhattan

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 8:36 AM

Bellevue-Hospital-in-New-York

New York has Ebola. Wonderful. Now the rest of us get to hear about how New York Ebola is better than Ebola everywhere else. Dr. Craig Spencer traveled to Guinea last month to help patients with Ebola. Medical workers and family members throwing themselves onto the rotting corpses of their Ebola stricken loved ones represent by far the single highest risk category for Ebola contagion. But Dr. Spencer wanted to get back home to shtup the fiancee, cough on people in the subway, and go bowling with the boys in Brooklyn. They’re all shut down or quarantined now since Spencer was hauled off by plastic wrapped EMTs with a 103 degree fever and that water that makes everything in New York just taste better shooting out of his ass.

The Mayor of New York, his lesbian wife, whichever Cuomo is now Governor, and the new Ebola Czar got right on this situation by pretending to make important phone calls, mostly to one another. Obama vowed to cut back on U.S. funding for radio commercials in Western Africa encouraging people with bleeding eyes and calamitous diarrhea to visit America where the toilet paper makes your Ebola ass feel like a king.

I’m not sure why high-risk travelers feel it’s a groovy idea to re-enter the U.S. while potentially infected. According to Doctors Without Borders, they have all their West African returning physicians test themselves daily for any signs of the virus. Don’t they have rectal thermometers and Day Planners back in Africa? Better yet, Belgium, where all the Ebola travelers grab a quick waffle on their way to effortlessly transporting the virus across the rest of the world. It just takes three weeks of normal temps to assure you’re all good. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask to prevent killing innocent people just trying to get their bowl on in Brooklyn. Even the Ebola virus has to be thinking, what the fuck America, this was supposed to be harder.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jeanie Buss Has Priorities

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 8:06 AM

Jeanie

Jeanie Buss feels it’s awkward running the Lakers while her crotchety old man boyfriend runs the Knicks. Luckily she made sure to clarify that business comes before Viagra induced pleasure. Shit got weird when Buss was pursuing Carmelo Anthony during free agency, as Phil Jackson figured he rightfully owned him outright. Buss made sure to lay down the law:

“Carmelo is a player who’s worth fighting for. In basketball, family, love, relationships, nothing is more important to me than the Lakers, so I’ll do it again.”

It’s refreshing to hear this from an heiress. Usually rich kids don’t give a shit about anything they were given. They total their Ferraris along with their sports franchises. They sign players they think are sexy and override General Managers while coked out of their gourds. Buss has her shit together. Fuck family, fuck love and fuck your creaky old asshole of a fiance. Time to dig this team out of the gutter. Blindside Kobe into a ditch and name yourself the new final seconds go-to shooter. L.A. loves a winner.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Honey Boo Boo At Risk

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 7:45 AM

June

Mama June, the human toilet known for shitting out Honey Boo Boo, is dating Mark McDaniel, a child molester who previously forced an eight year old to blow him and served ten years in prison. Making it slightly worse if possible, the victim was a relative of hers and she was dating the guy when he did it. McDaniel is a registered sex offender who I would assume is barred from contact with small children. It’s not clear if nine year old Honey Boo Boo qualifies. The Learning Channel is now thinking of canceling this educational program about how cycles of poverty and sexual abuse continue throughout generations so they can finally allow Honey Boo Boo the privacy to be violently raped in the quiet of her own home. On a positive note, McDaniel is looking forward to attending the pageants.

C’mon, Obama. We know the drones are there. Smudge this family now.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Cool Freshman Bangs Lisa Ann

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 7:08 AM

Ann

Notre Dame football player Justin Brent banged 42 year old porn veteran Lisa Ann in NYC while his team was on a bi week. Ann and Brent apparently met while she was ‘traveling for work’, which means this dude has wasted no time ingratiating himself into the collegiate strip club scene. After mentioning he had a dick, Brent’s next move was to skip class, fly across the country and fuck the shit out of a chick he’s been wanking to since his pimply faced days in Speedway Indiana. Get your boyhood belt notches out of the way and work your way into that corn fed teenage dorm ass later, it’ll be waiting. I like this guy’s style. Provided he is still on the team next week he’s going to have a hell of a career off the field. He’s just getting started.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Christian Bale Is No Ashton Kutcher

By Matt October 24, 2014 @ 6:36 AM

Bale

Christian Bale has been tapped to play Steve Jobs in a new biopic. You might recall a Steve Jobs film coming out only last year. Typically two movies about the same topic wouldn’t be made within such a brief period, unless one of them featured a hilariously inept Ashton Kutcher pretending his fake beard made him an actor. Kutcher’s performance in 2014′s Jobs was almost hard to turn away from, but watching him get hung out to dry in a painful two hour death of embarrassment is oddly validating in a morbid way. It would be like watching your friend who claims his high school football coach screwed him out of an NFL career be inserted into a Packers game and immediately paralyzed. The new movie features a capable director and serious lead actor so it has potential to be pretty solid. Put your trucker hat back on Ashton and see how a fucking man does it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images