By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 9:44 AM
Kourtney Kardashian released photos from Vanity Fair where she appears to be writhing in pain from family branded diet powder withdrawal. Like Trainspotting, but even less intelligible. With three illegitimate children, Kourtney Kardashian has always been seen as the thoughtful sister among the porn family coven. I question the wisdom of these photos. Wait for the Red Cross to arrive with a hot meal and a blanket. You’ll have to fuck one of them, but think of the wonderful stories for the Gonorrhea and Etc. chapter of your memoirs.
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair
By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 9:31 AM
Selena Gomez admitted she sought out professional help after somebody in an airport yelled at her ‘you’re fat’ as you often see people in airports doing. TSA is still reviewing the security footage. Through therapy and the support of good friends and family, Selena was able to overcome the body shaming and take her clothes off for her brand new album, Revival, because Recycled was already taken.
Each year, I’m becoming more who I am. I have a little more self-awareness. I feel confident and free. I’m not going to hide in my room and be depressed
Sounds like the therapy is holding. For now. Gomez cites living with roommates who have normal jobs like putting on celebrity charity galas to really help her stay grounded. But when happens the next time she’s shopping at Old Navy and she hears the familiar attacks of ‘Go home, you stupid fat Mexican blimp whore’ from the mouths of random customers and stores clerks? Remember what you learned. Count to ten slowly and remind yourself you’re still good looking and rich and famous and you will get through this. Nobody suffers like the privileged.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 8:22 AM
The racial divide in America affects nobody more than Hollywood celebrities who have adopted super cute black babies because nobody within twelve thousand miles could have made a better parent. Also, it’s inherently less indulgent than picking up a white kid at the kid store. Sandra Bullock fears for her black son’s future and safety in the current racial climate in America. Super wealthy black celebrity kids at elite private schools in Malibu often suffer the worst police brutalities. My hands are up, floor supervisor. No, I don’t need to have my BMW keys taken away for a weekend. Have you seen Speed?
Sandra has committed herself to thinking about this problem daily:
You see how far we’ve come in civil rights — and where we’ve gotten back to now. I want my son to be safe. I want my son to be judged for the man he is. We are at a point now where if we don’t do something, we will have destroyed what so many amazing people have done. You look at women’s rights; it’s turning into a mad, mad world out there. But sometimes it needs to get really loud for people to say, ‘I can’t unsee this.’ If I could ride in a bubble with him for the rest of his life, I would. But I can’t.”
I don’t know what any of that means. The bubble bit seems like something moms shouldn’t be saying at fifty. It’s obvious that Sandra Bullock cares about a lot of stuff. She’s going to continue to mull this over. Maybe talk to Clooney over lunch about how great things used to be for blacks in America but not so much since Terence Howard’s role on Empire got diminished. She’s probably also write a check and if things don’t dramatically improve for people she has no interaction with, retweet a hashtag. In the old days, adopting a black baby was the destination, not the journey. You can’t send him back.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 7:39 AM
There is no redeeming element to Fashion Week or haute couture in general. It’s a completely contrived dalliance of the French and the idle rich. But everybody seems pleasant enough and goes about their business with the kind of sedate emptiness that the world needs now more than ever. Then this chick with the female looking body came around and ruined everything.
Gigi Hadid stands tall against the forces of androgyny who sweep her leg on the runway because Cobra Kai does not accept bountiful tits. Girls point and laugh at her soft female features and cackle like they’ve had only cigarette tips to eat for their past seventeen meals. A war is brewing. It could get ugly. Or super fucking hot if the models get naked and whip out lubricated dildos to battle. Dolce and Gabbana have their mouths open. This isn’t working any longer.
By Jack October 06, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Singer and occasional Chris Brown punching bag Rihanna came out in defense of Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP local official who faked being black for years. She said she was “kind of a hero” for fooling everyone. Rachel Dolezal came out in favor of Rihanna’s singing for the same reason.
Read more of Rihanna’s love of cultural appropriation. (TMZ)
Bono’s daughter Eve Hewson has some big ‘ol titties. (Last Men On Earth)
Elisa Meliani is all kinds of naked in these pics. (Drunken Stepfather)
Charissa Littlejohn is cleavy as fuck in a black bikini. (Egotastic)
Behold Zendaya’s sideboob! Behold it, I said! (Hollywood Tuna)
Hot chicks dressed like cops can touch my night stick any day. (The Chive)
Vanessa Hudgens looks like a clown. A clown I’d like to boink. (Popoholic)
By Lex October 06, 2015 @ 11:49 AM
British actresses understand the need to be naked for film roles. A must if you want to win shit. American dramatic craftswomen are so precious about their tits. I can’t keep trying to avoid eye contact with Chloe Sevigny’s tit mole every time there’s a call for an American actress to get topless. Kate Winslet has been bare assed pounded in over ten thousand feature films. She’d take on a role of the imprisoned sex hostage of a Japanese robot set to fisting mode if it meant working with an acclaimed director. Emote emote naked in a bathtub and show me some earned tears, American actresses. Your political messaging is tiresome.
Photo Credit: Esquire UK
By Lex October 06, 2015 @ 9:32 AM
Kate Hudson fronts the moronically named sports apparel line for women under fire because customers keep signing up for some grifter VIP new outfit of the month club and can’t figure out how to quit. I’d mock them more but I’m still paying for a Bally’s gym membership I quit eight years ago and I just got a cash on delivery order of Best of Steve Miller cassette tapes from BMG. The company that owns Fabletics uses a too good to be true entry deal to lure you into a subscription service to get new sports bras and leggings every month then you find you’re locked in for $50 a month. You can’t read the 2-pt font out-clause and even if you could, nobody seems to answer the number they tell you to call to cancel. Still, you do look amazing in spin class and Kate Hudson gets to feed her babies the better heroin. When the address for legal letters is the Island of Misfit Toys, you’re probably best not entering the credit card digits.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 06, 2015 @ 9:13 AM
According to friends of Kaley Cuoco, the Big Bang Theory actress wasn’t surprised by her recent divorce from her husband Ryan Sweeting after only 21 months of the kind of marriage gay marriage activists used to point to as heterosexual marriage fail. Those were good times. According to friends of Cuoco, the divorce was a long time coming, which is an odd thing to say of a year and a half marriage. Marrying a hunky professional tennis player seemed like a good idea when Cuoco polled her moist and happy vagina, but didn’t hold well when she realized his annual earnings were in the ten grand minus thirty-seven grand in travel expenses range
She realized she wants to be with a guy who has a job and is motivated. All of Ryan’s friends knew it was going to end bad
Sweeting was perfectly content to live off of his wife’s million dollars an episode sitcom cash. And why not? He did that hard work being born good looking and having great legs in tennis shorts. He used his charms to win himself a very successful actress and now he wants to do some light workouts and have lunch with his BFFs. Women wanted equality. Welcome to it. That Roman numeral wedding date tattoo removal is going to be a bitch.
Photo credit: Getty Images