Dr. Oz Study Wasn’t Super Fact Checked

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 8:06 AM

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A study Dr Oz quoted mercilessly about green coffee beans being a magical weight loss cure has been shockingly debunked. The study’s authors based at the prestigious University of Scranton have got some explaining to do:

“The sponsors of the study cannot assure the validity of the data so we, Joe Vinson and Bryan Burnham, are retracting the paper.”

That’s a polite way of admitting everyone knows you are full of shit and you don’t get to pretend to do experiments anymore. The pair will probably be put on a much needed leave of absence soon so they can decompress after those tough hours of making up data while watching Family Guy and getting super high. The kickback money they made pulling the heart strings of fat people will probably soon run out, at which point one they’ll be free to start selling time shares in Ocala or just wander the streets with a metal detector. Roll with the punches. Dr. Oz will skate, but these dudes should thank him for abiding by the huckster code of having each other’s backs and pleasuring Oprah with jams and cunnilingus as needed.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

 

Kesha’s Stories Not Adding Up

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 7:39 AM

Kesha

Kesha is suing music producer and alleged sex dungeon owner Dr Luke for forcing her to use drugs and sexually abusing her. Kesha wants to be let out of a contract she claims she signed with Dr. Luke in between the basement torture sessions. A deposition from an unrelated case in 2011 was released wherein Kesha discounts many of these same claims:

“Q: Did Dr Luke ever give you a roofie?
A: No.
Q: Did you ever have sex with [Dr. Luke?]
A: No.”

This deposition is from 2011 so if Luke indeed began raping and drugging her it would have been rather late into their professional relationship. That’s not usually how things progress, but sometimes people get comfortable. Lying under oath is a crime, whereas lying in a sensational lawsuit is merely considered uncouth and subtly recommended by your legal counsel. Kesha’s blowhard celebrity attorney Mark Garagos is suggesting that 2011 deposition was a lie by Kesha who feared retaliation.

“Luke walked Kesha down the beach and threatened to destroy Kesha’s life and the lives of her family if she didn’t cover up his sexual assaults.”

Either way that’s why we have the Under Oath thing. There’s no part in there about it being okay to fudge testimony if your pimp music producer is raping you in between producing you stupid hits. Dr Luke will probably continue to profit off of Kesha’s music and her questionable integrity will only obscure whatever shady shit he has actually done, which is most likely sizable and includes plenty of studio blow jobs. This isn’t his first rodeo.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Dita Von Teese Not Boxed In

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 7:17 AM

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When you are known solely for banging celebrities and stripping your clothes off it goes without saying you’ve gone down on a few chicks. Dita Von Teese felt the need to clarify she is no longer into pussy, most likely because whoever she’s currently blowing is a jealous dipshit who pressured her into saying this and just derailed a steamy FFM session. Rest assured having made sweet love to a bevy of women doesn’t make you a lesbian, much like having blown a few dudes in college doesn’t make you gay. Wait, one of those must be wrong:

“I feel like that’s something I experimented with when I was younger. I think knowing myself, I realized that it was something I was doing experimentally or because I thought it was cool. But I’m not a lesbian.”

I know the Von Teese type. They’ll do anything that involves their lady parts getting attention to momentarily quell the voices of inadequacy in their heads. That doesn’t really make you a lesbian or a pansexual or whatever category Facebook comes up with next. It just means you are DTF whatever half decent thing walks in the door. So, essentially, you’re a man.

Photo Credit: Instagram

 

 

Kris Jenner Photoshops Promo Pic

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

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Kris Jenner posted a photo with Gordon Ramsay promoting her cookbook and Photoshopped the shit out her and Ramsay’s face. She now resembles a young Elvis Presley or teen mom on an episode of Intervention. She also did a once over sandpapering of Ramsay’s face. Unfortunately he posted the same photo of each hell demon looking properly haggard and broken (see below, if you dare, fucking Halloween spooky).

Kris’ cookbook is a collection of rich tasty foods that Kris cooks for Khloe and then puts in bowls just out of her daughter’s paws. Kris apparently finds that comforting, a little reminiscing to when the girls were young and she trained then with a stick and a whistle. If you ever see these two “chefs” in the same room pull the fire alarm. It’s a nightmarish of cuntiness so profound it may actually alter the DNA you pass on to your children.

Photo-by-gordongram

The Mindy Project Gets Anal

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 6:04 AM

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Fox’s The Mindy Project made unnecessary and dull sitcom history by airing the first ever network episode about anal sex. The episodes title, “I slipped”, implies that her feckless Ob/Gyn boyfriend attempted to corn hole her without warning, which predictably irritated a host of feminists who are advocating for notarized contracts before two people make out. Mindy Kaling, the show’s creator who plays an annoying version of herself as the lead, offered an explanation:

“There was no sexual peril in there; it was not a situation where she felt unsafe or was objectified. She just was startled.”

Often when someone is startled they are in a compromising situation. However, without an element of surprise, sex and television are boring. Hence, a nice baiting of the feminist crowd pulled off by a sympathetic female who creates, produces, writes and stars on the show. Feel free to portray subject matter on national television which would get a dude fired from his job at Sonic Burger. This is the double standard we’ve all been waiting for. I look forward to Kaling receiving multiple Emmys for her upcoming snowballing episode.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Renee Zellweger Takes Her New Face for a Spin

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

Renee-Zellweger

I’m of the mindset that you earn the money, you buy whatever the fuck you want with it. Whatever makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anybody else. So, yes to mid-life Porsches, pointless water crafts, and hot German massage therapists. No to designer hypoallergenic dogs. Stop messing with nature, you deviant fucks. Renee Zellweger bought herself a new face and showed it off at some fashion magazine party last night. We could play the game and pretend its lighting or makeup or the ozone depletion effect from evil people who employ refrigerator technology to keep their milk from rotting, but it’s not. It’s a brand new face. It’s not the puffy Zellweger face we’ve come accustomed to seeing pudgy and tear streaked in movies made for people with weepy vaginas. I’d call it more the senior LPGA look with just a splash of Donatella. She’s probably got a few years left before scary mask face awakes with a permanent scowl. If I was Renee, I’d get my mating done sooner rather than later.

Michael Sam Is On His Ass And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Michael Sam was benched from the Cowboys practice squad and people are already saying that it’s because he went after hairy man dong in the locker room. Which is silly because he has a full time boyfriend, so he’s just thinking about hairy man dong.

Read all about Michael Sam’s sob story. (TMZ)

Maitland Ward might as well be naked in this dress. (Huffington Post)

Unpronounceable hottie Bregje Heinen is highly fappable. (Drunken Stepfather)

Shana McLaughlin has the biggest tits I’ve seen in a long while. (Hollywood Tuna)

Cora Skinner dons lingerie and I don a chub. (Popoholic)

Douchenozzle Matthew McConaughey gives his much needed opinion on the Redskins’ name. (The Superficial)

Oscar De La Renta is Oscar De La Muerto. (Dlisted)

Colleen Shannon in a Bikini

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 11:59 AM

Colleen Shannon Wears Bikini For 138 Water In Malibu
It only makes sense that the nefarious bastards from 138 Water have switched to ex-cons to lull everybody and their reflexive dicks into a sense of calm before the invading storm. Playmate Colleen Shannon billed herself as the world’s hottest DJ before she got busted smuggling her smuggling boyfriend across the Canadian border and got sent to the clink. It’s in the women’s penitentiary where you quickly learn that you no longer want the world’s hottest anything moniker. That’ll get whispered in your ear during shower rapes in even greater volume than ‘Coach Sandusky wants to see your three point stance, Billy.’

Colleen paid her debt to society and unlike most ex-cons is immediately making a positive impact by showing off her tits in Malibu. On the contribution scale that’s somewhat better than revenge killing the grocery store clerk who fingered you to the cops and slightly less than what Nelson Mandela achieved after his release.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet