Russian Chicks Jailed For Twerking (VIDEO)

By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 7:06 AM

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A Russian court sentenced three chicks to a couple weeks in jail because they made a video which shows them twerking next to a World War II monument. Of the five in the video, two were spared because of poor health, which reaffirms my belief that you should always wear a condom with chicks from the Soviet Bloc because they probably have the Krokodil AIDS. The girls were charged with buying their first 80′s Casio keyboard and hooliganism which is Russian for some nosy bitch with old KGB connections made us do shit. Prosecutors are also planning to charge the parents of one of the girls for:

“The failure to encourage the physical, intellectual, physiological, spiritual and moral development of a child.”

My money says it’s the fat one. We could use laws like this stateside. Put Bruce Jenner in the joint where he can be free to express himself through heavy handed monologues and win a shit load of Emmys. Those soldiers would have appreciated that tight little body. Maybe more so than your Draconian police state. Russia is fighting an uphill battle. Hide your wife, they’re coming and their gold chains are blinding.

Bones Jones Hit And Run

By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

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UFC fighter Jon Jones allegedly ran a red light in New Mexico and slammed into a pregnant woman’s car which was really fucked up because he was already having a rough day and really didn’t need the headache. He reportedly got out of his car and ran into the hills, then returned to grab a large handful of cash and jump over a fence and run away to hang with the other Beagle Boys. In the car police found some pot and a pipe. It’s interesting Jones returned for the money but not the pot, both of which are extremely rare in New Mexico but as of now money is still legal while pot isn’t. Police reportedly called Jones several times but he was unable to get reception in his bear den. This looks pretty bad. Jones’ best bet is to turn himself in, then break out of prison and climb a large building and be shot down by helicopter. A word to the wise: Don’t hang out with him. Maybe read the bible again.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Iman Shumpert Dissed (VIDEO)

By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

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Cleveland Cavaliers forward Iman Shumpert made an amateurish rap anthem for the team’s upcoming playoff push and was immediately slammed by rap critic Charlamagne Tha God, which is a pretty easy gig because almost all rap sucks now. Charlamagne thinks basketball players should stick to basketball and underage call girls, and has no qualms about sharing his viewpoint with his unemployed listeners:

“It’s garbage. He needs to focus on his defense and not his rapping. LeBron doesn’t even tweet in the playoffs, and he’s making rap songs? The best motivation he could provide for his team is getting in the gym.”

If Shumpert listened to the advice from guys named Charlamagne Tha God he’d be foleying rooster calls for some sweat pants wearing slob’s morning radio show. Your name is Charlamagne Tha God. You have no authority to criticize anything ever and you’re embarrassing your mother. If Cleveland is eliminated from the NBA Playoffs there will send a message to executives around the league. Don’t sign players who like rap music. A Flickr photo album would’ve sufficed.

Barry Zito’s Wife Seems Talented (VIDEO)

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 12:44 PM

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Miss Missouri USA seems to be one of those titles they give you before you make a bunch of bad decisions in your life. It’s like being named Best Couple in the high school yearbook. There’s a strong likelihood he is now an unemployed musician and you’re dancing off the baby weight at a joint off the interstate. I’m pleased to see Amber Seyer in lingerie with a teddy bear close to her crotch. It’s the international symbol for who among us gets to live their dreams besides astronauts. This chick managed to marry MLB pitcher Barry Zito who was professionally disappointing to the tune of $140 million, so she’s probably doing this just for fun. It looks like fun. Especially if you imagine away loss of hope in her eyes.

Photo Credit: Brevin Blach

Did McKayla Maroney Get A Boob Job And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Frowny-faced Olympian McKayla Maroney is looking different these days. Mainly her tits. That’s what happens when you are finally allowed to go through puberty.

Compare Maroney yabbos for yourself. (Hollywood Tuna)

Hilary Duff shows off her awesome body in Shape Magazine. (Egotastic)

Old crone Madonna wants to suck the life force from a young male model. (TMZ)

Justin Bieber just showed up at some kids’ prom and ruined it. (Huffington Post)

Gisele Bundchen naked. Check it. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hermione has got on some pink undies. (Popoholic)

Looking at these girls in sports bras is giving me a workout down below. (The Chive)

Angelina Jolie Updates the U.N.

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 11:53 AM

Angelina Jolie Attends Security Council Meetings At The UN
Angelina Jolie will take a break from freaking out her kids with her preventative organ removals for matters of international importance. Like when the United Nations Security Council calls her in to solve the Syrian refugee problem. Having a high school dropout with severe emotional problems as your chief figurer outer on Syrian refugees doesn’t mean you’re not a competent organization, it probably just suggests you could operate out of a strip mall with something less than six billion in funding. I may be alone in thinking Angelina should be good at her day job before we let her take weekend control of the world army of blue helmets and French diplomats with a penchant for hotel maid rape. The UN gets nothing done so this is mostly for show. It’s like when you ask your girlfriend how can you be a better boyfriend. Everybody gets laid for a night and feels like they’ve made progress. Come morning, you’ve got ten thousand Syrian Shias dead in a ditch but there’s always more girlfriends.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Topless FEMEN Protester Taken Downtown

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 10:44 AM

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The good soldier walks a lonely road. This blond chick was cast out FEMEN for having tits a man might desire. She went rogue at a protest over the Spanish Prime Minister outlawing abortions or taxing tampons like soda or something. A desperate attempt to get the girls at the clubhouse to take her back. Decals on your tits? This is why you were cast out in the first place. Police swooped in and neutralized this lone wolf. Spain is once again safe to pretend it’s ham don’t stink.

Photo Credit: Getty

Tyga Seems Short Sighted

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 10:10 AM

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Here’s where rappers face an uphill battle from lack of adult male role models. That last line of defense on really bad decisions. You bring up the idea of indelibly inking the name of the underaged chick you’re banging on your sleeve and your old man or favorite crotchety science teacher or coach will kick you in the nuts and tell you to stop thinking with your dick. That’s the pain you’re going to look back on with gratitude. A sycophantic posse isn’t going to tell you shit you don’t want to hear. Yeah, Tyga, that’s awesome. No way they use that against you in court. Do you think Chris Brown is hiring for assistant weed procurer? I’m asking for a friend.

Tyga’s tattoo is apparently in response to Blac Chyna going on social media and asking for her former boo to come home. I speak fluent whore and I can tell you that’s a shot across the bow of Kylie Jenner. Kylie’s sisters’ got the fame and fortune and her dad’s becoming a woman on national television. She may have the intellectual power of dented marbles, but she’s not losing her black rapper boyfriend. He’s her lifeline. Point to that underaged pussy and compel your man to mark your name on his ulna. If he’s as dumb as looks, he’s going to oblige. Romance isn’t dead, it’s just takng a break. This can only end well.

Photo credit: Instagram