By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 11:25 AM
TLC pulled the Duggar family reality show 19 Kids and Counting from its lineup due to the fact that everyone just found out that eldest son Josh Duggar molested a bunch of underaged girls a decade ago. The sexual assaults, ultimately handled by the dad, his church, and their local state trooper buddy (later convicted for child porn), somehow never made the show. Nobody outside the Duggar cult even knew about the assaults until 2006 when Oprah TV show producers got an anonymous letter telling them not to let the family on her show because their eldest boy liked to touch young girl’s vaginas. Oprah turned the evidence over to the real authorities who then couldn’t do shit because the statute of limitations on child rape in Arkansas is approximately one second less than the time it takes to read the charges.
The wunderkind son flew under the pedo radar until InTouch Weekly got a copy of decade old police reports this month. Josh Duggar confessed his sins of passion and resigned from his very public position at the conservative Family Research Council. Josh’s wife insists he told her all about his diddling transgressions before they were married but she made him pinky promise not to molest their own children so it was all cool.
There’s a lesson to be learned here but it’s not about moral hypocrisy or dark family secrets or the fact that reality television people are all horrible minions of Satan here to lure dumb people into catatonia. It’s about odds. If you bear some endless run of kids because either Jesus made you or because you’re simply Mexican there’s a solid chance some number of them are going to be poorly wired fuck-ups. You have nineteen offspring and raise them in a born again Skinner box and you’re going to get a drug addict or sexual deviant or Cowboys fan somewhere in the mix. That’s just how odds work. Buy some condoms and start this whole process over. The show had a nice run and everybody did well. Except for the molested girls. You can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.
By Jack May 22, 2015 @ 11:00 AM
Hutt gangster Mama June of Honey Boo Boo fame is threatening to sue TLC for not cancelling 19 Kids And Counting. Her argument is that compared to the Duggar’s molestation charges the kiddie fiddling against Mama June’s son was nothing. Is this what we’ve come to? Comparing and contrasting molestation charges for our TV?
Read why she’s got her waddle in a twist. (TMZ)
Gigi Hadid hides her luscious tits with her arm. (Egotastic)
Rita Ora’s tits are spilling out of her dress. (Drunken Stepfather)
Nina Agdal wears a see-through dress. (Hollywood Tuna)
Irina Shayk invites you to the cleavage and leg show. (Popoholic)
Vin Diesel really needs to shut the fuck up about Paul Walker. (The Superficial)
Sexy ladies taking pics in the mirror. (The Chive)
By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 10:11 AM
The French have a much different take on sexism. It doesn’t exist. Women control everything by having perfect pairs of breasts they wave in the face of their cowering male population. This is either wonderful or horrible depending on your penchant for wearing a chain and being leashed when your woman is at work fucking her Romanian boss. Once that national experiment collapses we can Monday Morning quarterback the thinking that went into building a society where no babies are born. In the interim, smuggle out the women with the swell hooters and the champagne. That’s the short list and the long list of all things French to be saved.
Photo Credit: Pamela Hanson
By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 9:55 AM
Jessica Alba might be making one point eleven billion dollars from selling diapers made by Guatemalan castratos fostered in hermetically sealed bubbles, but deep down she understands how the Good Lord truly blessed her. It’s a sin to hide your tits when the angels brought them forward in eco-friendly chariots. Slip into a Spandex one piece and coats of bronzer and let’s get down to giving back. You could swaddle babies in Chernobyl latex wraps and they’re still going to dookie. But give a man a boner and you can finally call yourself the Honest company without an asterisk.
Photo Credit: Shape
By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 8:29 AM
The good news: Redmond O’Neal no longer looks fat and bloated. Maybe it’s the fat shaming. Or the mysterious white powder in the baggy the emaciated looking son of Ryan O’Neal and Farrah Fawcett’s lady friend was snapped hoisting along with a Coffee-mate container. O’Neal is currently on probation for heroin possession and so many drug charges you’ll have to go elsewhere to read them. I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to be looking like a Malibu Killing Fields survivor and hanging around Coffee-mate. That stuff will kill you. So will being the son of a couple of free spirited celebrity parents who decided mid-30′s was a time to stop working and feast on the recreational party favors by way of passing the days. Ryan O’Neal’s selection of weekend fun stuff can actually shift the price of various crops employed in global narcotics manufacture. I hope his attorneys point out the fact that Redmond is never seen holding that suspicious package. Also, remind him to find acquaintances in the future who are familiar with zoom lens technology. Remember when we used to pretend that prison gets people clean? That was fun.
Photo Credit: Coqueran/Coleman-Rayner
By Matt May 22, 2015 @ 8:07 AM
John Mayer sued his Rolex dealer and lost, solidifying himself as a total fucking rich douchebag who gets a ton of pussy. Mayer reportedly bought $5 million in Rolex watches from his dealer Robert Maron. It’s unclear why he can’t go to the store and buy them but apparently he’s kind of a princess hence the Liberace paraphernalia. When he took the watches in to get repaired he claimed to have discovered counterfeit parts inside and sued Maron. Mayer now admits he was wrong and the watches were legit which proves vain poser idiots who buy Rolex can’t tell them from a Seiko nor work fourth gear on a Lambo or pass a blind taste test between your wine cellar and a bottle of Two Buck Chuck. Mayer’s lawyer released a statement which confirmed he has been billing his shithead client for two years for the service of making him look like a jackass:
“Two years of research restored John Mayer’s belief that Bob Maron is an expert on Rolex watches, and confirmed that Bob Maron never sold him a counterfeit watch.”
That’s what’s called a hard fail. An interesting caveat is Maron, in addition to being a watch dealer and kosher bagel broker was a producer for Charlie Sheen’s court mandated sitcom Anger Management. During this time he was also serving as a publicist for Sheen. Sheen claims Mayer never thought the watches were fake and was suing Maron to bring negative attention to his name, because Maron successfully negotiated for Sheen to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone the same week Mayer was lobbying for it. According to Sheen and his crew of shadow people:
This douchebag tried to bump my Rolling Stone cover… This ain’t about watches… John pulled some things behind the scenes that were really uncool, really uncool.
John Mayer appears to be the worst person in the world which explains why he’s currently balls deep in model pussy. Being a good dude went out of style with moon boots and Sugar Mamas. Wretched is the new chic. What time is it I’ve got an eyebrow threading. This thing is broken.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt May 22, 2015 @ 7:29 AM
Brian Williams already hosted the first ever Lincoln Awards on PBS created to honor military veterans and charities which assist their cause. It hasn’t aired yet. The concert was originally filmed in January which was a month before Williams claimed to have saved the men of the Edmund Fitzgerald by shooting down mutant sharks from his Cessna. Since this would have made the broadcast awkward Williams has been cut out of the entire thing and replaced with Michelle Obama who was already on stand by for Regis. Williams claims to have voluntarily removed himself because he didn’t want to be a “distraction” by utilizing his ninja skills against armed terrorists in the valet lot. It’s unclear how the finished product will look with the host being completely edited out but if they could make Furious 7 work this shouldn’t be terrible. Now someone needs to go back to all his old news broadcasts and replace him with the Dos Equis guy. In Germany the holocaust is still taboo. Ask the old people.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt May 22, 2015 @ 6:59 AM
Diddy and Drake reportedly made fake amends over their fake beef at Mel’s Diner which serves only real cheese. Their feud drew minor attention because its subjects were a self-aggrandizing businessman and the star of Canadian Saved By The Bell overdubbed in French. Diddy had reportedly punched Drake at a nightclub in Miami a few months back over some rights to some shit ball song people get AIDS to. These reports were highly disputed since it was a publicity stunt and Diddy’s fists are the size of Corn Nuts. The two are now reportedly in talks to collaborate on an as of yet undecided product which you’ll be able to pick up at Ross along with some lint rollers and a Bethenny Frankel autographed rib bone scratcher.
Rap feuds are the oldest trick in the book and it’s all fake. You’ll notice most of the time the two guys are on the same record label. It works. Of course Diddy did have Tupac murdered but he was literally asking for it and that was a long time ago when artists cared about their work. Nothing’s real anymore. How’s my ass taste?
Photo Credit: Instagram