Star Wars episode VII easily could have been hyped with a two-year long publicity campaign talking about a wonderful new era of science fiction that also pays deference to cinematic legend. But give credit to Disney for taking over the Star Wars franchise and being very forthright about how they intend to turn the cultural phenomenon into a total and utter piece of shit. Disney kicked off their Star Wars Is Going to Royally Suck awareness campaign by setting up an Instagram account for the sequel series and having Darth Vader post a kitschy selfie. It’s a very modern way to reinforce the sucky message. Sure, you could use a digitized version of Alec Guinness taking a crap into Carrie Fisher’s mouth, but that might actually give people the wrong impression that you’re trying to be interesting or innovative. Kudos to you Disney. You’re like that rare rapist who begs the authorities not to let him out of prison because he knows he’s dangerous.
I guess when you’re about to go to prison for smuggling your drug running boyfriend over the Canadian border, the idea of becoming a human host for the 138 pod babies doesn’t seem like such a bad turn. It’s certainly better than going to Canadian jail and seeing the place where Michael Bublé used to conjugal with his various prison pen pals. Colleen Shannon may go down in history as the mother of the alien bug invasion, but that’s superior to being remembered as what’s-her-name with the big tits.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Perez Hilton has a new reality show creatively called Gay Dads of New York. It’s being produced by the same people who make Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so you know it’s going to be completely unscripted and not the least bit trumped up creepy. The show is going to feature a number of larger than life gay dads including Perez Hilton, who according to Perez represent the new landscape of America:
What is your typical American family like? These days, it looks a lot like mine!
By typical, I think Perez means the infinitesimal percentage of family households in this country headed up by a single gay man. While even noted homophobe Alec Baldwin accepts Perez Hilton’s personal family values in 2013, Perez polling his four gay daddy friends leading fabulous lives in Manhattan as a random sample of America is a bit of a stretch. This sounds more like a TV project to get paid and to get laid. Nothing wrong with a little green and a little dick to keep daddy feeling warm through the winter.
You can’t do much better than a suntanning chick in a thong eating a banana at the beach. It really hits a number of marks. Competition along that particular shoreline is tough. You’ve got your models, your flight attendants, and your better looking community college girls all taking in the sun and you’ve got to stand out somehow. You’re not going to get it done just by undoing your top. Enter the banana. Solid.
Photo Credit: Splash
Mayor Tom Tate is pissed off at ‘pop princess’Justin Bieber after the little shitweasel was caught tagging his city of Gold Coast, Australia. We told you last week about the dickless monkey spray painting a bunch of cartoonish squiggles on the exterior wall of his hotel. He was in town to squeal out his horrible music at his adoring overweight teenage fans. Mayor Tate said that either Bieber comes back and cleans up the graffiti or he has to sing Christmas carols at a charity event. What the fuck is that? Where’s the option for horrible death by reef shark attack or whatever that thing was that killed the Crocodile Hunter in the heart.
I think the solution to this whole Bieber situation is to have an older man in a bathrobe follow him around with a rolled-up newspaper. If Bieber does something bad, he gets scolded and smacked across the snout. If the behavior continues, he gets taken to the pound for euthanizing. Yes, we can still tell his young fans he went to live on a farm.
I like GQ for being one of the less Hollywood ass-kissing magazines. I’m not big on the cologne and button-down collar reviews, but at least they pretend not to be influenced by the celebrity P.R. machines. Also, they put up pictures of Emily Ratajkowski in her underwear. If the Cleveland kidnapper had posted pictures of Emily Ratajkowski I probably would’ve been the one character witness at his sentencing hearing. There are twisted rapists and then there are twisted rapists who also dig Emily Ratajkowski. We could hang.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson/GQ
Now that TMZ has broken the cause of Paul Walker’s death as body trauma and burns (but imagine it in all caps with an exclamation point), there’s little mystery left to this Hollywood actor-died-too-young tragedy. Except for the first public appearance of his young girlfriend. Jasmine Pilchard-Gosnell. Walker started ‘dating her’ in Hawaii when she was 16 and he was 33. Before you go digging up the charred pieces of Dead Paul Walker to prosecute him posthumously for statutory misdeeds, the age of sexual consent in Hawaii happens to be 16. Pretty conveniently so for Walker who apparently liked his ladies with the new car smell. I know it’s not particularly polite to speak ill of the dead, or point out their penchant for teenaged girls. God knows I don’t want someone doing that kind of shit at my funeral no matter how many high school sophomores I may wind up diddling during my Wild 30′s.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Facebook
Kim and Kanye reaaaally want to have their wedding at Versailles. Yes, THAT Versailles. The over-the-top golden palace of the Bourbon kings of France. I mean, where else would the lord Yessiah and his cum dumpster queen get married than at the most famous palace on Earth? It’s unclear whether the Frogs will let the couple marry on the grounds of the national landmark. at least not without denouncing America and pretending French comedies are the least bit funny. It’s strangely fitting in a way. Much like Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI these two are largely hated for their ridiculous lifestyle and general dickery. Also like the two rotting royals, they seem completely oblivious to the fact that everyone wants to see their heads roll down a wooden platform and into a basket while painted midgets dance and traveling minstrels play the lute. Let them eat Khloe.