By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 2:33 PM
If I could, I’d never judge civilians for shit they do at eighteen. I even feel bad at times for wishing Justin Bieber the victim of an industrial grinder incident. I feel like maybe if I’d had $100 million in the bank at eighteen and my homeless parents on my payroll, I’d probably have been a world class a-hole as well. Probably with my shirt on, but all the same. But the Auschwitz selfie from American teen “Princess” Breanna Mitchell deserves a little spotlight. Not just because this high school grad felt the concentration camp where over a million Jews were gassed and baked was a solid backdrop for a grinning selfie, but because of what it says about our modern culture. We are a bunch of narcissistic fucks. We earnestly believe our lunch salads, our grossly uninformed medical opinions, and photos of our very average children doing very average things are worthy of the world’s attention.
I’ve never bought into this Greatest Generation bullshit. I think circumstance creates heroes. But I have to believe no eighteen year old GIs were smiling for photos when they liberated the concentration camps and saw the rumored horrors finally therein. I’ve been to Dachau. It chills you to the ugly core of humanity. You just kind of know there are those certain places where you don’t crack a smile. The middle of Communion, in front of your old man when he’s holding a belt, and when taking in genocide. That’s not a complete list, but it’s a good starting point. Not all social media narcissism is bad. But as a rule, if it doesn’t involve tits, you can probably just email it to your mom.
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 1:52 PM
I wonder what goes through your mind when you realize Adam Levine dumped you to marry a different cute foreign model. Probably something akin to being stuck in the TSA line and missing an airplane that ends up crashing. That’s God giving you a shot across the bow. For Nina Agdal, she’s taking her second chance to bone a new male model boyfriend. Next comes the locusts.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Jack July 22, 2014 @ 1:30 PM
America’s second most annoying couple, Jay Z and Beyonce, are rumored to be splitting up. The reason seems to be that Jay Z likes to stick his dick in other women while Beyonce’s independently wealthy and doesn’t need that shit.
Read all about the trouble in d-bag paradise. (Huffington Post)
Apparently there is a Miami bikini fashion week and it’s all bikini models (Drunken Stepfather)
Taylor Swift wants you to finish on her legs, that’s implied. (Hollywood Tuna)
Miley Cyrus takes a topless selfie in the desert because why the fuck not? (Popoholic)
Jonah Hill came to officiate Adam Levine’s wedding; he stayed for cake. (Fish Wrapper)
Alexandria Morgan running in a sports bra in slow motion? Yes please! (COED)
Conor Oberst decided to not sue the woman who falsely accused him of rape. What a guy. (Dlisted)
By Matt July 22, 2014 @ 1:12 PM
Ben Stein is being accused by a pregnant lady of being super fucking creepy. No, that’s not a crime. Stein met Tanya Ma, a self described performance artist and former escort in the airport. Former escort being something akin to former Guatemalan. Stein proceeded to give her money to stay at a hotel and she sent him her ‘performance art’, which I’m guessing is not MOMA eligible content. The two texted quite a bit with some steamy old man entries on Stein’s part:
“When you get here i want to hug and kiss you. I understand you don’t want to fuck me. But i want to touch you and kiss you.”
When Stein started coming on harder than apologetic requests for first base, Ma first asked if they couldn’t just be dinner buddies. When the requests for nookie kept coming, she got on the sort of self righteous feminist kick only pregnant web cam whores are capable of and called him out publicly:
“It’s unhealthy and toxic behavior that needs to be exposed”
There’s nothing worse than a prostitute who needs to be reminded of the underlying principles of her chosen trade. Most “former escorts” would rather talk to some dude over a free coq au vin than suck his balls, but I’m sure Stein has plenty of buddies and a wife he can eat with and not have to feign interest in their performance art by texting boner pics. Stein is now owning this whole thing as if he is a martyr for the sexually incompetent senior citizen cheaters:
“I have never touched her, I have never had any sexual contact with her. I should get a medal for helping this woman.”
Failing to bang a whore does not make you a hero, but I can’t think of anyone else whose creepy transgressive sexting would go only as far as hugging and kissing. Its almost cute in a new millennial sort of way where everything is crude and people are terrible. Meantime, Stein needs to get his act together. At this point, it’s going to take him thirty years and thirty grand to get to third base. Fingering a whore won’t seem so cool when you’re 99.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
Miami used to be the place you’d go to browse markets for the freshest cocaine. Then maybe in the evening be sucker punched by one of the Canseco brothers. Now you can also see girls like Arianny Celeste in their bikinis taking a break from their jobs of being in bikinis. I’ve liked Arianny Celeste ever since she beat the crap out of her boyfriend in a limo. I appreciate a women who lets you know how she’s going to hurt you in advance. That’s either jaded or sensible or both.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 11:20 AM
I typically don’t bow to the pressure of persistently annoying media reps pushing their clients. But when it comes to women I’d sit through a Tyler Perry movie with in order to get to second base, principles mean little. This is how God ensured even immature assholes make babies.
Mikaela Hoover plays Glenn Close’s character’s assistant in Guardians of the Galaxy. I’m told by her reps she’s huge and getting huger. She certainly has nice legs. I was going to say tits, but I am a gentleman. Mikaela’s famously known Nathan Fillion in a conjugal manner. I’ve never wanted to rub a man’s chest and giggle before, but if I did, it’d be Captain Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly. When I inevitably make sweet submissive leather clad ball gag love to Mikaela, Captain Reynolds and I will become Eskimo brothers. Then I just need to drown Justin Bieber in a shallow puddle that dries up before CSI arrives leaving a murder mystery and my bucket list is complete. I feel cheap now, but also free.
Photo Credit: Getty, Splash
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 10:46 AM
Being seventeen and blowing a .14 at 4:00am is not a good set of numbers. Naturally, this teen model kid of the Real Housewives chick couldn’t have been driving in the first place since her license was previously suspended. A suspended license renders all your combustion engine options toit, like an electro-magnetic pulse blast. Just like having no license at all, or no insurance, or being geographically confused which is the new term the L.A. Times is using for illegals. I don’t blame any kid whose mom is one of these reality TV mutton heads for drinking heavily. I drank as a teen simply because I couldn’t get laid. I’m guessing Bella Hadid has no problem getting laid. But having self-absorbed shitty parents is probably just as bad, for girls.
Look, sweetheart. Drink, have unprotected sex with older men who seem to understand you, ride the waves in Malibu at midnight on ecstasy. I get that you can have a Range Rover and still be unhappy. Just call Uber and tell them your mom’s a reality whore. They’ll come for you wherever you are. If you kill somebody drunk driving, then you’ll be the asshole you’re drinking to forget.
Photo Credit: Bella Hadid/Instagram
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 9:15 AM
I always knew it would be hard to tell when Lady Gaga’s career was taking a dive. It’s like knowing when yogurt goes bad. When I bought it new it was already rancid milk. Lady Gaga looked desperate onstage when she was on top of the world. She looks precisely the same with her Artpop album selling somewhere between The Best of the Oak Ridge Boys and a Criss Angel spoken word performance. The bruises on her elbows can’t be a good sign. Nor the dressing up like Sailor Moon and friggin’ herself. Albeit, that last one is going to keep her on the charts in Japan until 2020. She continues to speak for a young generation left behind by things such as school and jobs and rudimentary social interactions. When will Lady Gaga finally be done? It’s like yogurt. You need to get your nose in there and smell.
Photo Credit: Splash