Paris Hilton DJs Polish Fashion Week

By Lex August 31, 2015 @ 12:26 PM

Paris Hilton DJs Polish Fashion Week
Paris Hilton flew into Poland where she’s the big name get for Poland Fashion Week. The previous big get at Poland Fashion Week was a billy goat that looked strikingly like Lech Walesa. Hilton DJed the big pre-show party, pressing the PLAY button and holding her hands up to her headphones to hear her Galaxy text to speech read all the dirty emails from her Polish suitors. Hilton just dropped her 18th signature fragrance onto the market certifying her commercial stink as the most purchased celebrity scent in the history of all things bought by people with image problems. She can’t lose for winning. Money can’t buy you a tracking retina, but it can pay for a pretty sweet mixing board with lots of controls that guy at Radio Shack told you never to touch. Every time you hate Paris Hilton, she makes another dollar. Still cheaper than loving her. Either way, you get herpes. Save your money.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

The Tits Of The VMAs

By Lex August 31, 2015 @ 11:48 AM

Miley Cyrus 2015 MTV VMAS
Nothing says pay no attention to the crappy music in the background like taped up, strung up, and largely revealed tits. Stop looking at my cold sores. Have you seen my tits? Last nights VMAs set a new record for tits. Singers showed off their tits. Actresses showed off their tits. Whatever Chrissy Teigen is showed off her tits. Britney Spears tits were so dominant hardly anybody noticed Kuato emerging from her knees. Who dies next on MTV? Nobody with tits if everything is running smoothly.

Photo Credit: Getty

The Hulkster Is Sad And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 31, 2015 @ 11:00 AM

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WWE legend and black person hater Hulk Hogan is sad because people think he’s a racist because he said all those racist things. He got so down he contemplated suicide. He really thinks all men are brothers, brother.

He’s been body slammed by life. (TMZ)

Carla Gugino gets her boobs squeezed on Masters of Sex. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Apple and Tidal are fighting over Drake…whhhhyyyy? (Dlisted)

Raiders’ cheerleader Jennifer Embler is hot as fuck. (Busted Coverage)

Gigi Hadid bikinis because it’s her job. (COED)

Chloe Moretz in a short skirt makes me think bad thoughts. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kim Kardashian looks like a slut alien in C magazine. (Hollywood Tuna)

Justin Bieber Guppy Tears (VIDEO)

By Lex August 31, 2015 @ 9:02 AM

It remains unclear why Justin Bieber broke down in tears following two shitty songs performed with harness at the MTV VMAs. Some are suggesting it was a stress induced menstrual gush. But he’s a boy, dammit! As Bieber tilts his head forward in his hand the show producers played what was an obviously pre-recorded track with Bieber sharing his philosophy on life, such as, it’s a journey, not a destination, and remember to pay your Brazilian hookers a bonus for shutting the fuck up about your wee dick. The MTV VMAs are chock full of wonderfully candid completely rehearsed moments. If Bieber’s salty drops helped just one girl realize that she’s too gullible to ever live outside a monitored living situation, it was all worthwhile. Do we have a start date for those non-citizen deportations yet?

Duggar Sisters Provide Pro Side to TLC Child Sex Abuse Special

By Lex August 31, 2015 @ 8:30 AM

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On Sunday night, TLC aired their special about the horrors of child sexual abuse and how viewers could find such abuse showing regularly on TLC under the guise of reality programming. TLC included key segments in the show featuring Jessa and Jill Duggar, two of the sisters Josh Duggar violated in what would’ve been their grade school years had they been allowed to attend school. The Duggar sisters shared wonderful insights into sexual assault victim rationalization like forgive and forget, only Jesus can judge, and we feel pretty good that we were only 80% responsible because we wore our nightgowns above the ankles. In a previous interview on Fox, the girls blamed Josh going through puberty for most of his kiddy fondling. He’s really the victim if you think about it.

It’s amazing to understand that there are so many people that deal with this exact same thing in their own families. So just being educated is very good. — Jill, the relatively smart one

Yes, so many of us grew up in religious compounds with nineteen kids and eleven still borns, some of whom raped us but were fixed through the power of woodworking and psalms. I’m not sure TLC understands how to show contrition for their child abuse heavy original programming. You can’t just pump Honey Boo Boo full of sodium rich water until she’s too fat for her mom’s boyfriend to finger fuck. It would’ve been nice if the program ended with TLC executives surrendering themselves to the police followed by a quick trial and a hanging. The world is an ugly place, but I think I just provided a great example of how to make it better.

Josh Duggar To Scrub Away The Pain

By Matt August 31, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

Duggar

Josh Duggar entered into a six month stay at Reformer’s Unanimous, a for profit rehab facility run by a bunch of his dad’s buddies, most likely the same one he was sent to after molesting his sisters once Jesus insisted nobody tell the cops. The facility offers several programs such as Pray Away The Gay and whitewash this wall in honor of your rape victims. If you’re looking at porn and trying to bang floozies you’re the least creepy guy here. Duggar will spend his time doing manual work, which cuts down on overhead, and praying for six months. If that doesn’t turn you into a fucking psycho after week two you’ve got problems. Odds he’s found hanging from a chandelier at the Hooters, high. Typically it’s a Motel Six and you’re in a rubber suit with a dead rentboy in the bathtub and a spiked dildo up your ass. See we’re making progress. Jim Bob should be glad he bought stock in Reformers Unanimous so he can buy his way out of Hell. Whatever that means. Now crack my fucking back, boy.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Caitlyn Jenner Pondering The D

By Matt August 31, 2015 @ 7:22 AM

Jenner

Caitlyn Jenner is unsure if she wants to be a woman who fucks guys or a guy who fucks women, which would kind of fly in the face of the theory that she isn’t a dude in a dress. As proof that this is confusing, Jenner is super confused. It’s possible the term gender fluid just arose to not get yelled at for using the wrong pronouns. It’s unclear how people are even still fucking. What is that thing between your legs? It’s called a micro aggression now let’s mutually masturbate. Yeah I inflate it with a bike pump. What’s weird about that? Answer the question. Sorry for yelling I understand you’re an incest survivor:

“It would be very attractive to me to have a guy treat me like a woman. I’ve never been with a guy. I’ve always been married, raising kids.”

Yes typically that is a hinderance to one’s gay sex agenda. Do you want a guy to treat you like a woman, or are you a guy calling himself a woman and trying to have it both ways? For example, most women have vaginas. That’s a huge part of the reason guys take them to dinner. What you’re interested in seems like more of a role playing scenario. Thank god you have a shitty reality show in need of segments. Just the tip?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Taylor Swift Outsourcing (VIDEO)

By Matt August 31, 2015 @ 6:19 AM

Swift

Taylor Swift’s world tour marketed to 12 year old chicks and incompetent fathers is basically a classier and less rapey version of one of those roofless celebrity watching vans that patrol the streets of Hollywood looking for discarded bakery items and a guy who looks like Jeff Daniels. Was that him? Or a dentist. Maybe it was Bill Pullman. Fuck it when is Disneyland I’ve got to blow half my salary to prove the kids love me. Even the fat one. To date Swift has paraded the following celebrity guests on stage with her: Selena Gomez, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Tedder, Ellen DeGeneres, Kobe Bryant, Natalie Maines, Lisa Kudrow, Uzo Aduba, Alanis Morisette, John Legend, Beck, St Vincent, Mary J Blige, Chris Rock, Matt LeBlanc, and Mark Hamill.

For perspective on how ridiculous this is, only Hamill was a joke. Clearly there’s a pecking order. When’s Indianapolis, let’s chopper in Emilio Estevez. We can’t get him? Howie Mandel. We can’t get him, Dave Thomas. He’s dead? Chris Kattan. Tell Springsteen we had to cancel, we just confirmed Eli Manning. Are you paying these people and how many of these songs have you rehearsed? Is this about the music or about sight gags for an otherwise unwatchable show? Will people remember any of your songs or is the water cooler talk purely LeBlanc? What the fuck is happening? Nice body type though.

Photo Credit: Instagram