Trotting Out Emmanuelle Chriqui Means Entourage Is Nigh

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 1:14 PM

Emmanuelle Chriqui Braless And Cleavy Ocean Drive Magazine
The 90-minute white guys only rap video known as the Entourage movie is one month away. You can almost taste the mugging in celebrity cameos. For the longest time word was the film couldn’t get made because Mark Wahlberg was re-imagining scenes from Missing in Action in Little Saigon. Nobody questioned the claim because nobody gave a shit if they ever made an Entourage movie. But now they have. It’s like when you’re a kid and your parents bring home a baby from the hospital. First, you ignore it, but slowly, over time you realize that’s my little brother or sister and they’re not going anywhere. So you make plans to kill it. You were there first. Let’s push Entourage in the street and agree it ran without looking. At worst, we get compulsory psychiatric.

Photo Credit: Ocean Drive Magazine

Bruce Jenner Writing a Check

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 12:43 PM

Bruce-Jenner-Kills-Woman-in-Car-Crash

A couple people who realized the old lady Bruce Jenner rear ended to death was their dad’s wife are suing Bruce Jenner for wrongful death and the pain of having to pretend they loved their stepmom. Being rich and famous may get you out of criminal charges, but it opens you up for civil suits that you have to settle. You don’t want to be in the witness chair nervously pawing your new vagina answering questions what medications you might’ve been on, including Aunt Helen’s magical girl making elixir. Then they can ask you if you ever put your man dick inside Kris Jenner and shudder and say ‘Ew!’. You can wear your Olympic gold medal over your designer pantsuit, it won’t help when the stepkids are drumming up tears. Write the check for six figures. It’s the price you pay for driving like a woman.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Kendall And Kylie TM And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 04, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kendall and Kylie Jenner are trying to trademark their name. It wouldn’t be for all purposes, but specifically within the narrow category of whoring by way of visual medium. If you’re an up and coming porn star, Kylie ATM and Kendall Bendover is about to be verboten.

Read all about K & K’s trademarking. (Huffington Post)

Edita Vilkeviciute poses as a topless boxer. (Egotastic)

Carmen Ortega sure has some big titties, y’all. (TMZ)

Solveig Mork Hansen has a weird name but nice tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Julia Pereira in a bikini is the stuff dreams are made of. (Hollywood Tuna)

Hilary Duff has some fucking nice thighs. (Popoholic)

Thigh gaps galore, my friends, thigh gaps galore. (The Chive)

Muhammed Cartoon Contest Went Swimmingly

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 11:50 AM

Shooting-in-Garland-Texas

Here’s an idea. Host a Prophet Muhammed cartoon contest offensive enough to draw Muslim crazies out to a police fortified civic center in Texas. Some patriotic group named America American Freedom America Fuck Yeah America or something like that decided to rub shit in the face of ISIS nut jobs by inviting the general public to win ten grand for best insulting Muhammed with a cartoon drawing. A couple Twitter jihadi’s showed up to the Garland Civic Center in the Dallas suburbs and started randomly firing their rifles for Allah. They made it about three feet out of their car before they were taken out by armed guards sitting in wait like the Duck Commander.

I’m not sure what this exercise teaches us. One guy mentioned Freedom of Speech while managing to keep a mostly straight face. I remember slow Saturday nights in the South when we used to shoot the alley rats drawn by the stink of improperly closed trash cans we improperly closed. Not sure I would’ve gone for live fire on the lost souls who follow the prophet by way of social media, though I get the sheer thrill of live human targets. We should’ve captured them alive. Just think of all the information we could’ve got out of them about never getting laid and their overnight shifts at Burger King.

I’m Already Sick of the New Royal Baby

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 11:08 AM

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In a battle for tard supremacy, men breathlessly awaiting Mayweather-Pacquiao versus women unable to pass their bowels until the next baby is born to the British royal family. This one won’t even become fake ruler of the small cross-dressing remainder of the empire. I wouldn’t judge the British people for their love of their recessive gene royal family, not while Kim Kardashian has forty million social media followers. Even a priest will undock his dick from the altar boy before giving a brimstone sermon on sodomy. Waiting for the anorexic princess and that bald dude to present another child on Pride Rock seems in the least, a very unhealthy transference of accomplishment. You didn’t make the baby. That chick and the guy not shown here who squirted motile semen into the cup did. Go make your own baby. Call her Charlotte after the new royal baby. Buy some Franklin Mint commemoratives. People not yourself only make babies every now and then.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kelly Brook Sunbathing

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 10:30 AM

Kelly Brook Sunbathing
I like this English chick. She got stuck in Ellen’s uninspired lesbian sitcom but she’s going to turn that into something big, like a real estate mogul husband or a fat lawsuit against Ellen for being her boss and asking her how many of her toes she guesstimates would fit up her twat after three glasses of wine. Hollywood rewards buxom women who keep their mouths shut and smile. I can help with the lotion on that bum.

Photo Credit: Instagram/FameFlynet

Kristen Stewart Wants To Help

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Kristen Stewart Leggy In UK Harper's Bazaar
Kristen Stewart is the latest crazy successful Hollywood actress to decry sexism in Hollywood. Women have to work twice as hard as men do and for half the pay. This could mean only $20,000 an hour for your work. There are very few dramatic roles for women available each year in movies. Of course, Stewart is taking most of them. If you complain, she’ll finger fuck your daughter. Sexism is just that complicated.

Women inevitably have to work a little bit harder to be heard. Hollywood is disgustingly sexist. It’s crazy. It’s so offensive it’s crazy.

Stewart makes a mistake common to people who spend much of their day dwelling on their feelings. Like toddlers or Hollywood actors. The fact that marble mouthed Vin Diesel is more sought after than her must mean Hollywood is sexist. Or it could mean that Vin Diesel movies make a crapload of money and everything Stewart’s done since Twilight has been made for an audience of ten people who read Jezebel and think it’s fact checked. Causality is a bitch of a science. My feet are sore this morning, therefore I ran a marathon yesterday. I hope my time was good.

Mayweather and Pacquiao Felt Like Just Enough

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 8:46 AM

Mayweather-vs-Pacquiao

The fight of the century is over. All that’s left is to steam clean the cum and body oiled stained sheets at hotels throughout Las Vegas and pretend America didn’t collectively waste ten million weeks of supplemental food stamps money watching two guys past their prime wink the shit out of each other for their mega successful flimflam. The spectacle was unparalleled, right down to somebody firing off the Mexican National Anthem because somebody in the truck felt Pacquiao looked kind of spicky. When Jamie Foxx got up to sing to the world for no good reason, I felt confident in my plan to watch by way of the less expensive Russian digital feed. The big winner was Floyd Mayweather who pulled aside female reporters asking about his history of domestic abuse and beat them with his $100 million pre-fight downpayment check. Everybody had a stake in hyping this up as a real thing. That’s how long cons get rolling. At least there are no more fights this century.

Photo credit: GettyImages