By Lex November 30, 2015 @ 1:18 PM
For decades the Pirelli auto company in Italy produced a pin-up girl calendar for their retailers and trade folk and mechanics to stare at tits on the wall while switching out carburetors. I know you don’t know what that is. Pirelli used to get chicks like Miranda Kerr and Adriana Lima out to some remote island with Terry Richardson who would fill a crystal blue bay full with his jizz while shooting the chicks topless. European sensibilities are no longer sensible, even in Europe. The calendar has spent the last few years politically correcting itself. 2016 nailed it, with body proud shots of largely unattractive famous women shaping the world of the modern female. Amy Schumer, Serena Williams, Patti Smith, Yoko Ono, some UN ambassador chick and other women that your average twelve year old girl really looks up to after Taylor Swift and Black Jesus and her touchy stepdad.
It was always mildly questionable what sexy naked women had to do with automobiles. It’s entirely unclear what empowered random women with chunky bodies have in common with vroom vroom. Amy Schumer says she never felt more beautiful than in these photos for Pirelli. That’s great for her, though less great for Phil’s bay at Jiffy Lube.
Photo Credit: Pirelli Calendar
By Lex November 30, 2015 @ 12:30 PM
You can always spot a foreign model on the beach because their amazing asses are always tan. When you’re eighty you will have perfect alabaster skin. All this chick will have is wrinkles and amazing memories unmarred by anxiety attacks over the genocidal ball of radiation in the sky. Oh, Grandma, you were so cautious and appropriately frightened. I want to be just like you.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack November 30, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Doutzen Kroes is getting into the holiday spirit in red lingerie. Tis the season to look at dem titties.
Ho, ho, ho, yo. (Last Men On Earth)
James Deen denies he raped a porn star he was paid to fuck. (TMZ)
Natalie Martinez and Juliette Jackson show their tits in the Boob Tube Roundup. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Lily Donaldson looks like she’s in a porn in this shoot. (Drunken Stepfather)
I do love a girl with a healthy thigh gap. (The Chive)
Emma Stone wears some tight ass jeans. (Popoholic)
Laura Urasek is the most messaged woman on OK Cupid. ‘Cause she’s hot. (COED)
By Lex November 30, 2015 @ 10:56 AM
Kobe Bryant announced his retirement at the conclusion of the current NBA season via a poem entitled ‘Dear Basketball’. The poem is in lieu of giving back the $25 million this season for helping his team finish in last place. Kobe free verses through a chronology of his obsessive love for the game, from inspiration to exit.
I played through the sweat and hurt
Not because challenge called me
But because YOU called me.
I did everything for YOU
Because that’s what you do
When someone makes you feel as
Alive as you’ve made me feel.
Patrick Ewing has already declared Kobe Bryant to be the Maya Angelou of the NBA while admitting Maya Angelou was never close to being the Kobe Bryant of poetry. The twenty-eight percent of Kobe’s teammates who could stand him agreed he will be missed from the game. The junior hotel receptionist who claims Kobe ass raped her asked to see more poetry before giving her critical opinion.
The only people who should really announce their retirements via poetry are poets and gay porn stars. You’re a legendary baller. Make a big fucking shot and walk off the court. It’s time for you to be with your wife and kids for a week before announcing a big dollar player coaching gig not anywhere close to your wife and kids. How does a fish know not to jump out of the water? Instinct.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 30, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
There’s never been an advertising concept as viable as a topless chick pouring water over her tits. Compliance is high when big fake wet knockers ask you to do shit. It’s the domain of every guy who isn’t buying a Lincoln because they appreciate Matthew McConaughey’s cufflinks. If this bottled water company actually produced a product other than cheesecake photos and regret, they might be moving some pallets. Remember to thank your dead dad in your Clio Award acceptance speech. This is all he ever wanted for you.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 30, 2015 @ 9:17 AM
The Baldwins get together around the holidays to laugh about their first few court mandated rehab stints. It’s that whole unstoppable force against the immovable object meme only the unstoppable force is a beach front treatment center your revocable trust is paying to provide you fresh squeezed juice and a stationary bike. Ireland Baldwin is born of Baldwin and Bassinger. It’s like watching a ticking clock with a little sticker above twelve in the image of an exploding bomb. How many times will we get to see Ireland’s tits and who will she take with her are the things we need to know before high noon. By the time dad’s polished off Santa’s cookies with a Tanqueray and called him a North Pole faggot, Christmas is already ruined.
Photo Credit: Tony Duran
By Lex November 30, 2015 @ 9:01 AM
After first asking her Facebook followers for a job and a place to live, Sinead O’Connor announced she was taking her own life by way of overdose at an undisclosed hotel room somewhere in Ireland. You can book the room next summer if you’re a big fan. Given her history of public suicide notices and the ongoing nature of her diatribes, the latest series of Facebook miserable seemed like more of a cry for attention than a goodbye note:
If I wasn’t posting this, my kids and family wouldn’t even find out. Was dead for another fortnight since none of them bother their hole with me for a minute. I could have been dead here for weeks already and they’d never have known. Because apparently I’m scum and deserve to be abandoned and treated like shit just when I’ve had my womb and ovaries chopped out and my child is frighteningly sick.
O’Connor is in some kind of legal battle with everybody she knows, including multiple ex-husbands over multiple children, at least one of whom has a case of child abuse under investigation against O’Connor. Sinead’s loosely intelligible garble suggests a combination of crazy and self-medication in the manner of Amanda Bynes days before Poodle Fire 2014. I’d like to review the medical order on that hysterectomy.
O’Connor’s early career antics and shocking social messages mocking the Pope and government leaders gave her a brief but ardent following. It turns out she was probably just blossoming into nuts and everybody took it for substance. Once you get money and fame it’s possible you’re just homeless looney with a really nice home. I’d hate to think she’s really going to kill herself though I must admit if you’d told me she died eight years ago I would’ve believed you. Keep me posted, Irish Facebook. More potato famine updates.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 27, 2015 @ 1:25 PM
The people who don’t quite understand straight men at Victoria’s Secret dressed up their models for the saucy portion of the fashion show based on Googling, what do real men find sexy? It was cop, schoolgirl, and screeching female suicide bomber. Real men love the element of danger. Do the chicks get 72 virgin men in heaven? That doesn’t stand out like the same kind of no-brainer.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret Behind The Scenes Polaroids