By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
No matter where you fall on the pussy scale of life, it’s super important at any given moment in your life to not be the biggest pussy in the room. The second biggest pussy skates. The biggest pussy is singled out by the pack and devoured. Look around the room. If you’re not sure if you’re the one, you’re the one. Get the fuck out.
Orlando Bloom nearly landed a swipe to Justin Bieber’s smug maw at a club in Ibiza after the two fay combatants exchanged words. There’s a true gangster history between these sub-150 lb. scooter riders since Justin claimed he got busy with Miranda Kerr backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Then Orlando took Selena Gomez on a date after he got divorced. It was some real sit-com love triangle stuff that finally exploded in Ibiza when Bieber did that bitch ‘I want to shake your hand’ move. Orlando came back with a few choice words in perfect Elizabethan English then Bieber squeaked something about Miranda Kerr’s vagina and Orlando tried to smite him but missed. The 47 bodyguards who keep Bieber from getting in real fights hustled the tiny Canadian around in increasingly small circles until they were all trapped in the center of a vortex of shame. I’ve seen some good bar fights in my time. This wasn’t one of them. Thanks to WorldStarHipHop I can tell you this wasn’t even a good girl fight.
Shortly after, Justin Bieber retreated with his posse and posted a photo of Miranda Kerr in a bikini to Instagram. You could almost feel John Wayne’s fist stirring in his grave.
Here’s Orlando earlier in the day in Ibiza. He looked so summery. Why did Justin have to ruin his day?
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 8:39 AM
When a man is caught on camera beating his girlfriend and dragging her unconscious out of an elevator, that’s not really the time for a deep dive into the complex pathologies that twist a romantic relationship into violence. That’s the time to say, that fucker deserves the chair. Next case please. Stephen A. Smith can’t keep the power of his insight contained so he suggested maybe women shouldn’t provoke angry NLF running backs who can bench press 450. Now, Smith’s suspended too and doing the fake corporate media apology dance with mea culpas on Twitter and TV. It’s like watching somebody neuter themselves with a tin can lid while forcing a smile.
On Friday, speaking right here on ‘First Take’ on the subject of domestic violence, I made what can only amount to the most egregious error of my career. My words came across that it is somehow a woman’s fault. This was not my intent. It is not what I was trying to say.
There’s nothing technically wrong with what Smith said. You curse and jab and talk about pulling a train of Steelers defensive linemen a little less and you probably don’t get a pop in the face from your super cool boyfriend Ray Rice. There’s all sorts of ways you can walk the earth like Caine and try to stay out of trouble. Though, that actually never worked for Caine. Smith’s real fault here was not going all the way and saying ‘crazy bitches deserve crazy beatdowns’ then ripping off his mic, leaving ESPN, and joining a co-ed Fight Club. You can’t go half-in on beating women. That just makes you suspended and a waffler.
By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 7:25 AM
Jesse Ventura won a settlement for $1.8 million dollars against Chris Kyle, the Navy SEAL sniper who wrote American Sniper. In the book, Kyle claims he overheard Ventura talking anti American shit at a Navy SEALS reunion, including about how the Navy SEALS could lose a few pounds and how the U.S. was killing innocent Iraqi civilians. Naturally, he punched Ventura. Ventura claims he never badmouthed America or the SEALS, he never got punched, and that his reputation had been damaged by the book to the point it was becoming difficult to book speaking engagements about why his hair suddenly went missing after being interviewed by the FBI. Ventura sued Kyle over the book but Kyle ended up getting shot and killed by a crazed Marine on a gun range in Texas in 2013. But the book had already raked in over $6 million in sales to the Kyle family, so the trial continued.
The jury heard from a bunch of reunion eyewitnesses who claim the altercation never occurred that evening and awarded Ventura the cash from the Kyle estate. I’m not sure why Kyle felt the need to lie about Ventura in his book. Maybe he really did get into a drunken fight at the reunion with some douchebag and woke up the next morning assuming that douchebag was Jesse Ventura. Easy mistake. I bet that happens to a lot of people who come across Jesse Ventura.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:41 AM
Chris Brown’s neighbor threatened to shoot him if he sets foot on his property. It is unclear why the guy has a problem with Brown though equally unclear why anyone would not have a problem with Brown. Chris has been throwing loud parties and some of the depraved whore guests have spilled their fake cleavage onto his front yard. Unlike the millions of people who fantasize about accidentally pushing Chris Brown into an oncoming train, this neighbor guy sounds crazy enough to follow through:
“It can be the devil. I can care less. I don’t care if they’re having orgies. It can even be Saddam Hussein for all I care, as long as he doesn’t trespass onto my property, if he does, I shoot him.”
Consider this is a challenge for the rest of us to get Chris Brown to walk across this guy’s lawn. Maybe we Hansel and Gretel out a trail of joints that leads Chris across the adjoining property lines. If he won’t budge, we can experiment with catapults provided by the History Channel. We can’t just let this opportunity pass. This is the best lead we’ve had in years.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:11 AM
Robyn Lawley is getting a lot of attention for an untouched photo she posted on Facebook, stirring debate about whether she is actually a plus sized model. On one side are fatty activists who think models should be the size that God made them, give or take a few runs at $5 endless apps at TGIFridays. On the elevated end of the see-saw are the people who think models should look like a walking mannequin whose distended ribs you hold onto as you bang her at a Charlie Sheen cocaine party. The silent majority think Lawley is 6’2″ and needs to lose a couple or three.
Lawley is a poster child for body image discussions. She writes a food blog called Robyn Lawley Eats which features photographs of the shit they found rotting in Elvis’ colon during autopsy. She gets pissed about thigh gaps, fails to note that some chicks are not as tall as Jason Kidd’s media guide height, and believes that vive la différence is French for kill all the skinny bitches. She also stuck up for Lady Gaga’s recent weight gain, opining its completely normal for an overly sexualized pop star to morph into Samwise Gamgee. She panders to the BBWs by rocking the tiniest gut in a winking nod of solidarity. Most of her fans are too far gone to identify with Giselle, but can still fantasize about the day they will be semi-cute with a muffin top Bradley Cooper wants to lick clean.
Photo Credit: Facebook, Instagram
By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 3:20 PM
Leonardo DiCaprio is not a man with a ton of time to waste. If you discount clubbing, karate kicking, and deep musing, he’s a very busy guy who medically requires sex five times a day with somebody with a modeling card in Frankfurt and Milan. Clothes take time to remove. Fancy model clothes take even more time. Then there’s that whole bit about wrinkling them or how it’s impossible to get horse pee out of silk. Total bother even for the man with nothing but time. Leo has no time. It’s best you just wait for him on the boat with as little as you can wear without being arrested by Interpol. You know who liked to wear clothes? Bar Refaeli. Now she’s running homing beacons into Hamas apartments. Anything more than a thong bottom and you can swim back to shore. DiCaprio, out.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack July 29, 2014 @ 2:01 PM
Michael Bay is in shitload of fake trouble after releasing a poster for the shitty looking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looks like they are falling from an exploding World Trade Center. In response, Michael Bay said, fuck you, my money’s guaranteed and so are my bitches. I’m paraphrasing.
Check out the Ninja Turtles falling to their deaths. (Gawker)
Vanessa Hudgens’ has an entire caravan of camel toe in her shorts. (Drunken Stepfather)
Beyonce is secretly looking for a new place in Manhattan. (Dlisted)
DMX screaming like a bitch on roller coaster is amazing. Grrrr. (Complex)
Zoe Saldana gets naked for Women’s Health or something. Who cares, tits! (Huffington Post)
Hillary Duff gets a bikini rubdown in her new video. (The Superficial)
Hannah Ferguson gets all wet and eats a burger all sexy like. (COED)
(Image Via Paramount)
By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 9:28 AM
Apparently, seeing Julianna Hough and Derek Hough dance in sequins is a thing as the brother and sister have been on tour this summer in cities where men are allowed to stare deep into their little sister’s vaginas without being arrested. The siblings have been dancing together since they were little kids when Julianne would force Derek try on her dresses by saying, ‘Hey, Derek’. It was all gender identity fun and games until the Mormon God cursed Julianne with discovering Ryan Seacrest trying on her negligee two decades later. Imagine that blood curdling scream. If you’re hoping to see the Hough’s show, you’re shit out of luck. The run just ended. But for the same price I know a guy who will blow you while pretending he’s your sister and he’s worried your dad is going to walk in. I mean, I know of him.
Photo Credit: Splash