Avril Lavigne Doesn’t Hate The Orientals Like You Think She Does

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 6:30 PM

As the music world knows by now, Avril Lavigne and her Nickelback life partner have released another bit of culture sheizen into the archives of all things inexplicably horrible. It’s Hello Kitty, as if an afflicted girl who has been staring catatonic at the wall for a decade suddenly burst into a Sailor Moon song as an aneurism took her from this earth. It’s wretched. But is it racist? Meh, not really. Or according to Avril Lavigne, not really, LOL:

As much as I’d like to punch Lavigne-Kroeger in the collective gunt for continuing to make music, and as idiotic as the ‘I have black friends’ argument is, she’s still not as fucking annoying as all the knee jerk tools who love to cry racist at every opportunity. Lazy people with difficulty forming logical arguments and self-described academics living off the public teat tend to be the biggest offenders. There’s power in labeling other people as racist. It means you are clearly not a racist. You are higher borne. You are a multiculturalist, whatever the fuck that is. You slew the redneck dragon and entered your name into the ledger of heroes. Simpleton asswipe. So Avril has a bunch of Japanese schoolgirl mannequins bopping around in her stupid Land of the Rising Sun-cliche music video. Does that mean she hates the Japs, I mean, the Japanese. Fuck all of you self-righteous name calling cowards for making me defend Avril Lavigne. I shouldn’t have to do that.

Lauren Stoner In A Bikini

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 4:46 PM

Lauren Stoner In A Black Bikini At The Beach In Miami
Luxury licensed brand hat. Check. Super reflective fighter pilot sunglasses. Check. Big fake tubes oiled to a fare-thee-well. Check. Called the boyfriend on the not his home phone that his not wife might pick up and told him you were looking forward to tonight. Check. You are super good to go for another part-time model beach day.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet

Howe You Doing? Get It, It’s the Howe Twins. Oh, Fuck Off

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 4:29 PM

The Howe Twins Carla and Melissa Chesty Leaving The Chateau Marmont In Los Angeles
I’m not sure where the Howe Twins have been hiding of late. Perhaps they took the winter off to strategize and restructure their forces for another wave of trying to fuck themselves famous in Hollywood. I guess that seems harsh, but I wouldn’t say it about girls going to dental hygienist school. Everybody has a dream, some deserved to be mocked for theirs. When I was eight, I wrote in our class project that my dream was to ride a motorcycle to the moon. As moronic as that seems now, it still has a higher probability of success than The Howe Twins becoming big in Hollywood. It’s a fool’s errant to try and tit and ass your way to the top. Not that it hasn’t worked for a couple dozen noteworthy exceptions, it just doesn’t work almost all of the time. And, it’s almost completely arbitrary. Until you’re actually in this environment you can’t imagine how many good looking girls are up to the exact same scheme. It’s one thing to be the best forward on your AYSO team in a Lincoln, Nebraska suburb. it’s another to be the lead striker on the the junior champions team in Sao Paulo. The Howe Twins could be sought after Hobbit girls back in their British shire. But you want to try and out hustle a town full of hustlers. Good luck with that, ladies.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Beyonce Is the Most Influential Person in the World

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 3:56 PM

As print magazines continue to circle the toilet bowl, you’re going to see them increasingly imitating Buzzfeed and other online sites that tap into the mental porn loving faculties in the brain. Lists. Rankings. Countdowns. Things that seem intriguing on their face, like a painted harlot, only to deliver little satisfaction and steal your wallet in the process. Because Time is still somewhat Time, they elevated their completely arbitrary list of influential people (wait, Jeff Bezos and Vladmir Putin are influential people? Thank you, Time magazine!) by getting other important people to write blurbs about why the important people on the list were important in the first place. It probably sounded genius in the editorial meeting. Beyonce, who made the cover because she sells about a billion times more copies than Hillary Clinton’s butchy maw, had her blurb written by Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Mark Zuckerberg’s The Facebook:

“Beyonce doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one. Today she sits at the head of the boardroom table at Parkwood Entertainment. Beyoncé has sold out the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour while being a full-time mother.”

Holy mother of trite encomium. She doesn’t just take a shit, she builds a better shitter. I bet Sheryl’s status updates are fucking awful. Beyonce has a sold out music tour AND she’s a full-time mother. Of course, mathematically, you can’t actually work full time and also be a full time child caregiver away from work. Or is this the new solution to having to choose? Bending the space time continuum to do both like in some horrible Disney movie about working moms that will probably star Leslie Mann. If she means the baby often comes with the entourage and the luggage, yes. In that case, the stripper who lets the other strippers watch her baby backstage while she grinds on a pair of chubby Dockers is also a full-time mom.

If you watch House of Cards, you’l remember that premiere episode where the dude from the Washington newspaper says he’d rather the paper die with dignity than sell out to crappy pop journalism just to sell copies? Yeah, Time isn’t going that route.

Photo Credit: Beyonce.com

Tila Tequila Reveals Who Knocked Her Up

By Jack April 24, 2014 @ 2:50 PM

Tila Tequila revealed that her baby daddy is some d-bag named Thomas Paxton Whitaker. I can’t believe I care enough to ask who the fuck is that? With three names I assumed he was either a child rapist or a progressive housewife, but, no, he’s a struggling musician who probably thinks that being balls deep in that train wreck is going to give him some industry cred. Unless he works for the Illuminati he’s going to be sorely disappointed. Congratulations, Thomas or Thomas Paxton. The next eighteen years of your life are going to be filled with calls from hospitals, credit collectors, police stations, and schools wondering where your kid has been this past month or two. The last guy who doinked Tila got to be faceless on camera and got $800 for his time and then go to leave. I bet he only had two names.

(Photo Via Twitter)

Kim Kardashian Is Passing Out Parenting Advice

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

Kim Kardashian Chesty In A See Through Top Out In Los Angeles
It used to be you had to pretend to be a model parent to pass out advice to the rest of the fertile womb klatch. You know, those moms who always seemed put together, gave lectures to other moms or wrote books about how to get your kid to stop being such an asshole in stores simply by getting down on one knee and explaining to them how feelings work. Then you’d have to wait ten years to learn that mom was a heavy drinker who was fucking the gardener while the kids were high on aerosol cheese because dad was unable to hug them. Enter Kim Kardashian. Who knows parenting better than an about to be thrice married huckster with a tattoo on her taint that reads ‘If you’re seeing this, then you already know why I’m rich’. Kim’s a technically working, technically single mom, which makes her the perfect dispenser of maternal wisdom. Little nuggets like she laid off on about to be a mom friend, Ciara:

I believe in allowing your child to be who they want to be-as long as they want to be something great

In other words, North can choose between hooking and neurosurgery, but she will not fucking work at the mall like I had to before mom killed dad and we got the bigger house. According to Ciara, who I thought had a dick but is apparently about to birth a baby, Kim has been a font of great motherly advice, from breast feeding to how to assemble a stroller. Or, you know, how to get the wet nurse and the nannies to get that shit done. Being a great mom is all about time management. Or as Kim might put it in her encouraging tips to moms, spending a long day looking after North and still looking good for your rapper baby daddy when he gets home from fucking your little half-sister’s girlfriends. Motherhood isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com

Kimberly Garner Likes to Rollerblade

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Kimberly Garner Goes Roller Blading In A Bikini Top In Santa Monica
I thought rollerblading ended a decade ago when a tank topped guy in wraparound sunglasses caught his reflection in his sports bottle and cried with a sudden gift of self-awareness. Regardless, girls on skates will continue to provide boners to millions of men who will make comments about how amazing it would be to doink a woman on wheels. We got seven billion of us humping the stationary way, but the porn industry continues to confuse us with how sex really ought go down. Like biting her boobs super hard and calling her a whore or straddling her with your legs akimbo so a camera can pan on your nut sack swinging back and forth like a Newton’s Cradle. Yeah, go on and try that some time. Chicks dig being treated like porn stars. Trust me.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Rumer Willis’ Dress Is All Cut Up

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

Rumer Willis Flashes Her Panties At ELLE's Women In Music Celebration In Hollywood
Rumer Willis is on the cusp of greatness. Actually, that might be the cusp of obscurity. Whichever cusp it is, it can’t hurt to show off your pink panties when you’re straddling it.

Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News