Kevin Federline Also Now a DJ

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

KF

Kevin Federline is the latest washed up tabloid scrub to professionally take up the hobby of DJing. Federline is apparently making a grand per night plus all the Totino’s Pizza Rolls he can eat playing shows at Heat Ultra Lounge in Orange County. This should come as a surprise to most of the patrons who will show up pissed there’s a cover. It’s the seven chicks who actually came early you’ll need to be weary of. Pepper spray them now before they hound your for Britney Spears tickets before pocketing your iPod. I’d like to visit a club where the whole staff is comprised of reality show trash. Federline can DJ, Nicole Ritchie can bartend and John Gosselin will mop up whatever Brandi Glanville has dripped onto the floors. Like a Jack Rabbit Slims except the people aren’t dead quite yet. I’d DJ for a thousand bucks as long as I can take smoke breaks every fifteen minutes and pretend I’m texting someone while I play minesweeper. Can I bum a cig?

Photo Credit: HeatUltraLoungeOC.com

Paris Hilton’s Stalker A Keeper

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 6:07 AM

Page

Paris Hilton has a stalker named Johnny Rock Page who enjoys dressing up in motorcycle gear and calling himself a pro racer. He recently got into Hilton’s gated community by saying he was a flower delivery guy at which point he scared the shit out of Hilton and she asked the number for 911. Page had come to deliver a Cadillac to her which he bought as a gift. He’s also mailed her a wedding dress and had two separate aerial banner flown over her house which read:

“Can’t Get Paris Whitney Hilton Out of My Mind… Mr. & Mrs. Hilton, may I court your daughter Paris?”

The Cadillac sat on the street and then someone came and bashed out all the windows. Page denied being the culprit in a letter he hand pasted from magazine scraps. Page also has two daughters who are going to have to transfer schools now. The oldest rule in the book is chicks don’t like a dude who seems desperate. He could have been inside her already if he’d just called her fat or read her Wiki page out loud.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

FEMEN Protests Laws Banning FEMEN

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 12:39 PM

The Bare Breasted Activists Knowns As Femen Protest For Spain
The way in which European nations teeter between socialism and totalitarianism amuses me. Mostly because I don’t have to live there. In France, there are two parties. The Let Muslims In So What If they Kill a Few Jews Party and the Kill All The Muslims, The Jews Can Go Next Party. In Spain the government doesn’t appreciate its citizens protesting what a shitty job it’s doing with its financial collapse so it passed a bunch of laws saying you can’t publicly say what a shitty job they’re doing. You can’t protest in the streets or carry signs or take pictures of anybody protesting or carrying signs. And you definitely can’t run down the street with your tits bouncing screaming about the new laws preventing you from doing so. They’re not having much luck against these flapjacked Women’s Studies majors. I doubt they’ll do much better with the public at large. Spain will never be Russia. Just too much nice weather and beaches and good food and wine. Fascist domination isn’t that important when you can eat cured meats and bang chicks with tan lines.

Photo Credit: Getty

Mr. Spock Died For Real This Time And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

GettyImages_474772405

Leonard Nimoy, Mr. Spock himself, died today at the age of 83 of COPD. His spirit was not passed to Dr. McCoy because he’s dead too. How much you wanna bet that the last one to go will be that horse back riding asshole William Shatner?

He lived long and prospered. Not so much anymore. (TMZ)

But, on a lighter note here are some bouncing titties. (The Chive)

Maitland Ward wears a see-through bodysuit because she cares. (Egotastic)

Kanye West thinks exclusivity is the new N-word…what the fuck are you talking about now? (Huffington Post)

Sophie Simmons wants to show you how bigger girls get down. (Drunken Stepfather)

Danielle Knudson shows off her assets in these bikini pics. (Hollywood Tuna)

Joanna Lundback wears a bikini just for you. Well, not JUST for you. (Popoholic)

Salma Hayek Seems To Like Her New Gig

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 11:41 AM

Salma Hayek Is The New Face Of Pomellato
It’s nearly impossible to sell shit to women without implying their selection will make them cum like lesbian freshmen. I don’t see the same thing in razor and truck ads. Maybe a little bigger dick implications, but there’s no expectation that the new contoured Schick razor will leave your vanity splashed in jizz. This Salma Hayek ad looks like it’s selling fucking. Mmm, fucking, you know you want some. But it’s selling jewelry. I’m not saying which gives a woman more pleasure, but if yours doesn’t at least lie when you ask her, you might as well get fat now. Being skinny and hard up means you’re not successful by any ancient culture’s standards.

Photo Credit: Splash

Baby in a Box

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 10:53 AM

Baby-Drop-Boxes

Ever at the forefront of social progress, Indiana is going to approve the use of ‘baby boxes’ at designated I don’t want my baby anymore drop off points. The newborn drops are mailboxes where you insert the baby close the door and the infant is deposited into a preheated (or pre cooled, depending on the time of year) receptacle. After dumping, you get about 7 Hippopotamus to dart back to your meth den or rigid white suburban family home before an alarm signals authorities there was a baby deposit made.

Proponents of the plan say that the baby boxes look pretty fucking cool and ultimately protect the health of the child. Also, Coca-Cola is considering a sponsorship in Gary. Opponents say they’ll just encourage hesitant new moms to dump their babies off simply because babies are a pain in the ass and the only way mom’s keep them is by telling them they have to. Arrows pointing to a box with the words ‘dump and party’ might give the wrong impression. Though all options are better than the trash can. And Hollywood isn’t adopting your Bible Belt baby any time soon. This either says something amazing about our nation or something horrible. We won’t know for twenty years until we track the Baby Box dumped kids and note that an inordinate number are now Congressional interns with codominant eyes.

Kanye Grieves Like No Other

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 9:34 AM

Kanye Touches Kim Kardashians Butt In Pink Latex
Sometimes you peel back the layers on a guy you just assumed was an asshole and you’re able to confirm your suspicions. I’d recommend this for days when there’s nothing good on TV. Kanye West broke down in tears on BBC radio talking about the recent death of his fashion mentor, Louise Wilson, a professor at a London Art School who Kanye once looked up on Wikipedia:

Louise Wilson was the baddest professor of all time of any fashion school ever — notorious for not letting people stop at a 7 or 8 ever, pushing people to a 12.”

I guess they don’t use the traditional base-10 scoring system in fashion. I don’t really remember Kanye attending art school in London, but it’s possible it was located next to his favorite leather trousers store and he audited.

Kanye recalls their last meeting at a trendy restaurant in London when Professor Wilson gave him some solid advice for the nannies raising his daughter:

So many students, they don’t give it their all. And the problem is as soon as they do anything halfway good — when they are 2 years old, 3 years old — their parents clap.’ And she just looked at me and she said, ‘Kanye. Don’t clap.’”

Kanye, don’t clap. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Eddie Redmayne Nails Down Next Oscar

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

Eddie-Redmayne-Portrays-Transendered-Male

British actor nobody’s ever heard of, Eddie Redmayne wasted no time in locking down Oscar number two, agreeing to portray Einar Wegener, the world’s first transgender reassignment patient. Imagine the harrowing tale of a 1930′s Danish male artists who becomes a woman through experimental surgeries and drinking of green martinis at European soccer tailgates.  Set against the backdrop of Nazi Germany rising to the southern border?  Just go grab that 2016 statuette now. The transgender community is going to wet themselves through their chosen set of genitalia. I’m already in tears over the seemingly unanticipated acceptance speech. Thank your hot wife again, thank your agent, and thank the guy who figured out precisely where on a cock to make the first cut, because once you fuck that up the vagina never feels right.