Chelsea Handler Tits Again

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 12:13 PM

Chelsea Handler Bare Breasted On A Stereo
Given all the knee-jerk celebrity Ferguson tweets today, dare I say it’s refreshing to see Chelsea Handler firing off another look at me now bare tit bomb on social media. Fuck yeah. I dare. Tits are better than white liberal guilt even when slung over a boombox like a French fuck and an En Vogue CD comes with each stereo purchase. Chelsea Handler wants attention so very badly. At least her intentions are pure.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Bai Ling Is a Gamer

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 11:44 AM

Bai Ling Wears Sequin Bondage Outfit To The Screening Of The Key In Beverly Hills
Bai Ling now just shows up to shit uninvited. Who’s going to question a fifty year old Chinese woman wearing just a party streamer. Movie premieres, car wash openings, execution chamber viewing rooms. There’s Bai Ling showing you her tits still look amazing. I’m pretty sure there are Macau businessmen working high stakes bingo cards with boxes labeled with where Bai Ling might appear next. ISIS beheading video, fuck, there’s Bai Ling. Bingo! I win Guangdong

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Now We’re Even, France

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:59 AM

Lady Gaga Wears Clam Shell Bra In Paris
When we talk shit about Europe, we’re really talking about France. The snide surrender monkeys who embody every snotty asshole in every 80′s John Hughes movie. If I could build a giant fist, I’d punch them all in their collective black turtlenecks. Barring that, we sent them Lady Gaga. She’s been moping around Paris the past several days like the chick so disillusioned with existence she quit the Goth club at school via Twitter. The French are only now re-visiting Lascaux and realizing how much Gaga resembles the Paleolithic vision of the angry forest deity who burns children’s eyes for cringing at her horrific looks. When she starts spewing lava from her ass there’s no amount of cleavage that will keep her from being referred to as one of the seventeen French names for God’s punishment for accepting Western capitalism.

Photo Credit: Splash

Coco Austin Cooks In A Thong

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:39 AM

Coco Austin Cooks In A Thong In The Kitchen
I understand why Coco forged the arctic migratory fat cap on the back end of her body. It’s like vocational training or school for the most of the rest of us. It opened doors to employment opportunities. But you can’t have that shitter hanging out at the dinner table. I don’t care how fucked up your in-laws are, nobody’s comfortable with an ass hair floating in the gravy.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Got A New Mommy

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 9:33 AM

Lindsay Lohan Has A New Mommy
Michael Lohan decided not to tell his kids that he was making an honest woman out of Kate Major the second she got out of jail gestating his second bastard child. It’s kind of romantic in an abandoned building shooting gallery love affair kind of way. Having his celebrity kids attend the wedding would’ve turned the entire event into a media circus rather than the quiet Satanic letting of the blood in the name of the Dark Master Michael and Kate were hoping for. After a quick service, the couple fed each other pieces of cake Michael had laced with human growth hormones and Rohypnol as he turned on a taped message for their toddler son to put a pillow over mommy’s face as she slept because it’s so funny.

Photo Credit: Twitter

White Women in Nice Boots Protest Ferguson

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 9:18 AM

Protestors-marching-in-New-York-over-Ferguson

Here’s the thing about having to be on the right side of every issue.You’re going to want to get some decent footwear. If you need to spend a little, it’ll pay off when you amortize the cost across numerous public protest marches.

Black people have had a second class ride in America. It’s gotten better, but young black men in particular still get shitty treatment from the police. Some cops greatly abuse their authority and then it’s probably not so bad that white people get outraged on Facebook or take to the streets in the seasons new scarves to hold up some pretty well made placards to protest police beatings and shootings. But it’s important to pick your battles. When you’re sitting at your indie coffee house texting your friends about what you’re going to wear to the protest, somebody ought say, wait, what if this was actually a just grand jury finding? What if I, who have no strict evidence of the case whatsoever, am not in a position to cry foul over a group of men and women who did carefully review evidence and sworn testimony? What if Michael Brown was not going to college to study environmental sciences to rid the planet of greenhouse gases after all? But, fuck, these boots do look nice. #FightThePower #SkinnyJeansinWinter

Photo credit: Splash News

Halle Berry’s Daughter Getting Whitewashed

By Matt November 25, 2014 @ 8:18 AM

Ber

Halle Berry accused her loser ex husband of trying to turn their daughter white in court. Ex model and and black market ivory trafficker Gabriel Aubry has been straightening the girl’s hair and died it blonde because he apparently wants the girl to be white. No legally sane straight dude gives a shit about his daughter’s hair. Either the little girl wanted this done or Aubry is a gay David Duke. This seems unlikely given his reverence for hot black ass. The judge ruled that neither party can now touch the child’s hair and ordered both of them to go fuck themselves. The kid is considering experimental surgery to become Taiwanese in an effort to distance herself from her bickering asshole parents. Once she reaches adulthood she will no doubt cut both of them off since they are selfish and broken enough to confuse love with hair treatment.

Photo Credit: Getty ImagesĀ 

Ray Rice Momentarily Accepted

By Matt November 25, 2014 @ 7:44 AM

Rach

It’s hard being a pariah in America these days. Ray Rice is doing all the right things to put the ball back in his court. He’s been baptized and limits his booze intake solely to fortified wine. He even takes his sick dog to the vet. That’s where he met Rachel, a fine looking young lady who may not be the college type. Rachel asked Rice for a photo because he was a black dude who looked like someone vaguely familiar. Better safe than sorry in these situations. Snap the photo and ask the girls on the basketball team later. That’s when she discovered the mystery rapper/athlete/mogul was The Ray Rice and posted her revelation to Twitter. I’m no supporter of Rice, but doesn’t this violate the athlete/annoying retarded fan photo op code of ethics? If you want a picture with some guy at least know who he is. You can’t go around bothering every black dude for a photo and captioning it with their rap sheet once you’ve narrowed down his identity. This is why athletes hate the fans who don’t give them head. I was betting on Nick Cannon.

Photo credit: Rachel Prosser / Twitter