Rob Kardashian Downgraded to Mental

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 12:51 PM

Kris-Jenner-and-Rob-Kardashian

If you were wondering what the Kardashian mafia intends to do to Rob Kardashian following another round of his going against the family, I believe we have our answer. They’re going to have him committed. Operation Squelch the Rat got revved up last week when the family rebel mentioned that maybe his sister-whore was a conniving murderer. The team that leaks information to the press for Kris Jenner started running lines that Rob was a prankster, then he was probably just super tired, then he was fat and feeling unhappy, now he’s being described as depressed and in need of professional intervention.

He’s sad, he’s bitter, he single. He is very depressed and has been [for a while]. He is very against therapy and any kind of rehab. But his family will continue to push for him to get help until he does.

This is one of those black helicopter dystopian nightmares where the Minister of Propaganda labels dissenters as psychotic and orders them to Arkham for a little frontal lobe electrocution. I might be the last person on this planet pulling for you, Rob Kardashian, so heed my advice: run!. Shave your head, throw on some non-designer label clothes, snatch some cash from mom’s closet, and run for your fucking life. Put ten thousand miles between you and your relatives. Men don’t do well in your family. Dead or castrated. That’s not a real choice. Call yourself Yani and make a simple life  in Botswana. If a letter should ever find you begging you to come home because your sisters are dying from Hep C, it’s a trap. It might be true, still, a trap.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Taylor Swift Ruining Calvin Harris And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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America’s evil sweetheart Taylor Swift was seen kissing techno DJ Calvin Harris at a Kenny Chesney concert. Calvin Harris probably doesn’t know it yet, but there is no waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care in living hell.

See Swift and Harris doing something at Chesney’s shitty show. (TMZ)

Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen go splashy splashy in bikinis. (Huffington Post)

Zayn Malik said he left One Direction because they weren’t, like, real anymore. Were they ever? (Dlisted)

This is Gracie Chavers and her Instagram is pretty hot. (COED)

If you eat a Doritos encrusted meat on a stick at an MLB game your colon will never recover. (Busted Coverage)

Hot chicks in yoga pants. That is all. (The Chive)

Bella Thorne forgets her shirt while out on the town. (Popoholic)

Michael Sam Taking Names

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Michael-Sam-on-DWTS

Michael Sam concludes every public statement by insisting he doesn’t believe that he’s being discriminated against by the NFL though he has no explanation other than discrimination for why he’s not playing in the NFL. People are free to draw their own conclusions, including his, which he wants to make clear is not discrimination, even if that’s the only logical conclusion:

“Hopefully I’m not being discriminated [against] because I’m gay. I don’t believe that I’m being discriminated [against] because I’m gay. I just want to know if I’m truly not in the NFL, it’s because of talent. Let it be because of my talents. But you’ve got to prove that I can’t play this game. If you look at the film, clearly I can. So, I’ll leave it at that. …”

Sam got himself back into the news this week by announcing there are plenty of closeted gay guys in the NFL. Everybody pretty much already assumes this but not everybody needs to feed the media a ready made headline.

I’m just saying there is a lot of us. I respect the players that did reach out to me and had the courage to tell me that they were also gay, but they do not have the same courage as I do to come out before I even played a down in the NFL.

For his courage, the Great Oz is going to give Sam a brilliant heart medallion and extend his hand for a Paso Doble. Sam has stated that he will never reveal the names of the closeted gay players in the NFL, but that they do exist and he could out them if he wanted to. That probably isn’t supposed to sound threatening, though it surely is. Which just goes to show, you can be a pioneer and an asshole.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer For Jerome Duran Photoshoot
Most photographers aren’t making Uncle Terry money. They just want to express themselves through their art and have a decent wank. I can respect that. Candice, today you’re going to be a ballet dancer in a thong. Why? Because it represents how models are trapped in a doll house of patronage and objectification. Now stop talking when I adjust my lenses here behind this modesty curtain. Toss me your ballet slippers for a minute if you could. Yep, right over the curtain. Your feet smell like innocence. I’ll be out in two shakes.

Photo Credit: Jerome Duran

Brandon Lee Experiencing Bella Thorne

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

Bella Thorne Is Dating Brandon Lee
The last and final hope for the Thorne stage family of girls is now bumping teen uglies with Brandon Lee. I thought at first the headline referred to Bruce Lee’s son who died twenty-two years ago filming The Crow. That would’ve been an angle. But it’s just Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s kid who just turned eighteen and doesn’t have much to do except golf and party and explore the bushes of this redhead who’s a Dominican baseball prospect aged 17, so about 22. Mom’s flat broke, but Tommy Lee’s worth in the neighborhood of $70 million. If this kid also inherited his dad’s wang, he’ll probably do quite well with the ladies. To be young and rich and pretty. Putting that on the iCal for next life.

Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan/Instagram

Global Warming Turning Women Into Prostitutes

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 9:16 AM

Representative-Barbara-Lee

Congresswoman Barbara Lee wants to make sure that women are represented in all global warming related policy because women suffer more from refrigerators destroying the planet than men. Also, she’s failed to do anything on the larger issues affecting her Oakland constituents the past forty years so she needed a win.  Combining women’s rights and global warming just felt like political gold.

According to Lee’s House resolution, climate change causes drought which causes famine which causes girls to become prostitutes for food, which then gives them babies or The AIDS or The AIDS babies. Eventually they hit rock bottom and start playing Scratchers from government lotteries. It’s one vicious circle that can only be helped by:

… integrating a gender approach in all policies and programs in the United States that are globally related to climate change;

This just reminds me that we need a fat drunk dude not a Congressman to hang out in the Capitol building and bitch slap politicians who waste time with their personal indulgences These dullards on either side aren’t going to fix shit. They can have the decency to take their paychecks and shut the fuck up. The low aptitude kid knows not to sit in the front row when picking seats in class. The earth will start cooling when all the dumb people stop talking. Or not, but at least the heat will be more bearable.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kendall Jenner Is The New Face Of Calvin Klein

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 8:54 AM

Kendall Jenner Is The New Face Of Calvin Klein
If Kris Jenner had constructed her girls out of circuit boards and silicon instead of flesh and silicon, the world would regard her as a service products genius. There’s that damn Jiminy Cricket reminding us that turning people into slaves is wrong. Unless they’re of a different race, then it’s cool. The cotton doesn’t pick itself. We despise Kris Jenner because she took her children and forced them through the Play-Doh Armenian whore extruder. There’s no reason to assume Kourtney couldn’t have made an excellent barista or Khloe a reasonably prized piece of commercial farming equipment. They never had a choice. Someone remind this one that Calvin Klein won’t be asking for a hummer. The girls don’t do well off routine.

Photo Credit: Calvin Klein

Angela Simmons in a Bikini

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 8:42 AM

Angela Simmons Wears A String Bikini In Miami
I don’t know what the fuck Angela Simmons does during the days. It doesn’t matter. She’s got 1.9 million followers on Instagram that want to see her latest adorable hat selection and her naturally large ass in a bikini bottom. Going back to high school reunions is so much easier in the era of social media self-worth. I heard Wendy’s Twitter numbers are lagging, she used to be such a slut. What happened? It’s probably not such a bad thing that the way by which we define people has changed. I used to be a writer, then a blogger, and now a 99-percenter. I stand with Jesus and sing show tunes from Les Miserables in Korean. Somebody fetch me a cup. I need to Tweet like my life depends on it. It probably does.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet