Kris Jenner Divorces the Ponytail

By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Kris Jenner Gets Divorced
The Dark Lord’s blistered minion officially ended her marriage to Bruce Jenner before he could complete his transformation into my long haul trucking Aunt Susan. Divorce is a somber, quarterly event in the Kardashian household. A spinster cousin plays an Armenian genocide requiem on the harp while everybody congregates in the living room and whispers mean things about Rob. Khloe is typically fitted with an invisible fence collar so she won’t eat all the Pepperidge Farms platters friends bring over to mourn the loss of another romantic business relationship. As with any divorce, your first thought is how will this affect the children. Since they’re already shamelessly ribald whores, the concern really goes out to the woman. Kris. Maybe a little Bruce. Kris has requested that she keep the jewelry and custodial rights to Kylie Jenner for one more year, which is like asking for the jewelry twice. It’s always sad whenever love dies. Or whatever the fuck this is.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lara Bingle May Have Pregnant Tits

By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 9:29 AM

Lara Bingle No Bra In NYC
Among the people who give a shit, there’s rampant speculation that Australian model Lara Bingle is pregnant by the dude in the wheelchair from Avatar. He put a little of his unobtainium in her mother tree, if you know what I’m saying. Celebrity magazines are assuming she’s knocked up because her tits have looked bigger of late. I have no clue if that’s true, but I like the direction this is headed. Tits are the window to the soul. Physicians and the homeless alike now have permission to stare catatonically at a woman’s breasts in public to determine her physical and mental condition. Oh, danglers, you look sad. Your nipples point toward gum disease. Your crazy knockers tell me your spitting out your bipolar meds again. If Lara Bingle’s going without a bra, I’m putting my quarter on the rail for this game. I’m probably going to get punched again.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

I am Lady Gaga, These Are My Tits

By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 9:12 AM

Lady Gaga Wears Giant Wig And Sheer Dress With No Bra In Brussels
I’m pretty sure Tony Bennett no longer knows precisely where he is. Dude’s nearing ninety and while he can still put out a few sweet notes, he has to be wondering who this topless skank is that keeps showing up to ruin his gigs. Sarah Vaughan always wore undergarments back in the day. I’d like to think after sixty years of success you wouldn’t have to duet with a chick who smells like feta just to nab a paycheck. If only younger Tony Bennett could’ve met older Tony Bennett in one of those planning for your financial future commercials. This picture alone would’ve sent young Tony Bennett to the bank to open up a savings account.

Photo Credit: Splash

Alaska Reporter Goes Out Cherry (VIDEO)

By Matt September 23, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

Alaska news reporter Charlo Greene dropped an F bomb during her live on-air resignation. Besides her reporting gig, Greene owns a medical marijuana shop called The Alaska Cannabis Club, which she routinely threw into her suspiciously slanted reporting of Alaska’s upcoming legalized marijuana vote. Since many businesses in Alaska lack oversight, toilets, or drinking water, Greene was able to covertly promote her pot shack on air for a solid four months before anyone stopped staring at her tits to address the issue. Embedding her business into her frantic coverage of the marijuana trade is savvy, although not disclosing it is illegal and punishable by impotent Congressional grumblings.

Greene probably has her bases covered, as evidenced by her calculated stunt sparking national media coverage. She has basically turned a lame nightly news show into a commercial for smoking blunts in an outdoor hot tub under the northern lights preferably while sucking on her chocolate love melons. If she can withstand prosecution and feigned outrage from Sarah Palin, I will definitely make the trip to the tundra to spark one with this chick before she makes the entire Northern Hemisphere her hot boxed Caliphate.

Miss America Is a Vagina Shamer

By Matt September 23, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

MissAmerica

Recently crowned Miss America Kira Kazantsev was kicked out of her sorority while at Hofstra for excessive hazing of pledges while serving as the recruitment chairwoman for her Alpha Phi sorority

Pledges in the incoming class were called names, berated for their perceived physical flaws and imperfections, and made to perform physical tasks to the point of bruising and exhaustion

That kind of makes me wistful about my own childhood. It’s not really even as bad as the millions who were forced to watch her play with a red cup on stage while everybody nervously applauded like when your neighbor’s fat kid does an obvious card trick for the guests. According to Jezebel, purveyor of all things for women who aren’t that good at hiding their hatred of men, the sorority hazing at Hofstra can get ridiculously cruel and sexually degrading. Or what I like to call, the point at which I become mildly interested:

the final two steps of pledging in one (unnamed) sorority involved making all of the pledges remove their underwear and sit on newspapers while the older members forced them to watch lesbian porn. Anyone whose newspaper stuck to them at the end of the video, the former student said, was branded a dyke, ridiculed, and tossed out. The remaining girls were then forced to perform oral sex on their sorority big sisters

Yay, you’re not a dyke, now eat my pussy. That’s so twisted and convoluted and totally fucking amazing. That’s the kind of crap the Marquis de Sade would’ve needed ten years to invent in story, but these chicks are doing it every Fall before Homecoming. If anyone ever asks a Hofstra grad what the fuck is meant by their school nickname, Pride, I’d point right to the lesbos squatting on the newspaper bit.

The Miss America organization was aware of Kira’s psyche damaging shenanigans before the contest, but they let it slide because by arrangement the Russian girl from New York always wins in an even or odd year. They’re not exactly flush with sponsors. Plus it’s not like she did something horrible like Vanessa Williams who posed naked for pictures and let herself be black. Once Kira is done solving world conflicts, illiteracy, and spends three months in the arctic keeping two major ice floes conjoined so Seattle won’t flood, we’ll forget all about her ripping a few teens with stinky vagina slurs.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Mike Tyson Uses Powers For Good

By Matt September 23, 2014 @ 6:52 AM

TYson

Mike Tyson reportedly halted traffic on a blood and tears slicked freeway from L.A. to Vegas to assist a crashed motorcyclist. Tyson was able to stop speeding eager gamblers simply by craning his neck to reveal the obnoxious Ed Hardy billboard on his face. Tyson calmly recited One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish by heart to the injured biker until paramedics arrived. Passing motorists nervously flooded Tyson with support group encouragement lest he beat them just senseless and rape their women and children and family pets. Just kidding, nobody takes their woman to Vegas. Mike’s publicist/therapist confirmed he is making great strides, and although he is either the greatest dude in the world or a psychotic maniac known to bloody the frightened weak on any given commute, go ahead and concentrate on the good parts and don’t make eye contact.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Missy Martinez Is Electric

By Matt September 23, 2014 @ 6:17 AM

Missy

Porn day player Missy Martinez is pissed her vibrator started shooting sparks near her pussy during a porn scene and is reaching out to anyone who cares. She claims her Hitachi vibrator/eggbeater flared up when plugged into her diesel generator and burned the palms of her sallow hands, just missing her cavernous gash. So far neither the maker of the chainsaw nor anyone with a dick or flare for self promotion is standing at attention. Participation in the fringe porn biz carries many risks. Particularly death of shingles. Its not like flying. The ride to the industrial bondage warehouse is the safest part of the trip. If Martinez is concerned about safety I suggest she bathe in the River Euphrates and apply to a Costco, at which point she can address why she is way too excited to smash her pussy on camera and tends to pull the chord out between her electric baseball bat and the not up to code 120v wall outlet.

Photo Credit: Twitter

The Day the Music Should’ve Died

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 2:37 PM

Ariana Grande Preforms In Sheer Leotard At IHeartRadio Music Festival
I don’t speak crazy, but if I did, I’d have Twitter alerted those whackadoo Islamic radicals to attack Satan right in the iHeart Radio Music Festival. Something that takes out the evil sounds of the Western world’s crap producing musical powerhouses. They were all there in Vegas over the weekend. Lip synching mannequins creating future regret-filled memories for our nation’s youth. Maybe even crappier pop music would rise from the ashes. But maybe there’d be a dude who can actually play guitar, and one who can sing without choral support, and one who can drum who would take their place. It’s all just a dream I suppose. No way the bad guys get across our borders.

Photo Credit: Getty