Natalie Dormer Has Crazy Eyes

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 2:03 PM

Natalie Dormer In Lingerie In The October 2014 Issue Of FHM
If you’ve never dated a woman with crazy eyes, you’re really missing out on one of life’s true risky pleasures. I don’t care if you scaled Everest using just your dick and a rubber band, until you’ve been with a woman who urges you to get some sleep while she stares catatonically at the kitchen knives, you’ve never really taken chances. If she asks you if you like her best friend, that’s just code for, how shall I sever your cock in your sleep? Because she doesn’t have any best friends. She worships the black raven that carries communiques from the Dark Lord in her head. Other women can see that. You were blinded by a chick who liked ropes in bed. Now your junk is in the garbage disposal and she ate your left eye for good measure. Regret only worsens behind an eye-patch.

Photo Credit: FHM

Katy Perry About to Be Exposed

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 1:24 PM

Katy Perry Chesty Performing Her Prismatic Tour In Winnipeg
After copious amounts of heroin, Russell Brand decided his life had to have more meaning than just being an occasionally funny comedian who makes the same occasionally funny movie over and over again. Some people’s soul searching leads them to crude medical clinics in the Congo, for performers it’s either unintelligible indie films or writing op-ed pieces in the newspaper. Nobody rich really wants to soul search their way into a case of ebola.

Russell Brand doubled down on his spiritual awakening by granting a documentary team total access to his life¬†for the past few years. Since the only thing people could possibly be interested in involving Brand’s spiritual journey was his short-lived marriage to Katy Perry, even the filmmakers are letting slip that that will form a solid bulk of the documentary content. Watching Brand stroke himself while reading Malcolm X will comprise the remaining eighteen percent of screen time.

For Katy Perry this means a ton of the unpleasant and real shit her publicity and legal team spend so many countless hours and money destroying in the virtual shredder will likely be onscreen. While marriage to Russell Brand has to be akin to shoving a rusty nails up your ass until you feel it whittling the back of your molars, word always was that Katy was a total cunty nightmare of a spouse. This doesn’t bode well for her. Brand makes his living off being an asswipe. Katy by pretending to be the exact opposite. I would not be surprised to see a horrible fire in the documentarians post-production facility that takes out all known copies off the footage. The only forensic clues left behind of brightly colored feathers and shreds of nipple tape.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Halle Berry Seems a Bit Snatchy

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 12:47 PM

Halle Berry Nearly Flashes Crotch On A Boat In Maui
I might be juvenile, but I got excited when Halle Berry almost showed off where babies of fifty year olds come from. I bet she’s had that vagina surgery that gives her twat the size, grip, and poor decision making skills of a teenager again. I’m sure her French husband benefits from thinking about that while he’s making sweet love to his dutiful male assistant. French men are gay jokes are cheap, but they still make me giggle.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

No One Cares That Brangelina Got Married And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 28, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

450544334

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in secret and no one gave a flying fuck. It’s not like it’s 2002 when you were on the cover of magazines and Angelina had yet to cut off her breasts. What’s the fucking point of getting married after having 85 kids together. It is too late.

Read all about the douchey nuptials. (The Superficial)

Kristen Stewart says it isn’t that she’s a shitty actress it’s that everyone else is shittier. (Dlisted)

Kendall Jenner in a swimsuit makes me think bad thoughts. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus gets naked…again…for V magazine. (Huffington Post)

Alessandra Ambrosio is in her underwear in Vogue Brazil. (COED)

Amber Heard topless. That is all. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lizzy Caplan is a master of sex in her panties. See what I did there? (Drunken Stepfather)

Joan Rivers Is Dead, Or Not

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:43 AM

Joan-Rivers-and-Amber-Rose-on-Fashion-Police
In a battle of veracity between TMZ and social media hoaxers, there’s no clear way to pick the more reliable source. TMZ has a reporting accuracy of 12-percent, while people making up shit on Twitter sit at zero-percent, though far more self-aware and entertaining. Joan Rivers went into cardiac arrest during what is being described as out-patient throat surgery this morning. I’ll take that to mean tightening the Shar-Pei flaps billowing around her gizzard. She was rushed to Mount Sinai where nobody who knows shit currently knows her condition. But the celebrity media loves them some life cycle events. They pen obituaries and tributes in advance so they can publish while the fingertips are still warm. Not such a bad idea really as far as death hacks. I just didn’t mind for Joan, just in case.

Joan Rivers, occasionally funny, always cunty, the gays have lost a solid crone. RIP. Or see you on Fashion Police next Friday. Whichever way this turns.

Photo credit: E! Television

Lady Gaga Isn’t Fat This Week

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:17 AM

Lady Gaga Posts A Booty Photo To Instagram
Would a fat woman post a picture of her ass like this to Instagram? I think not. The most important thing is that Lady Gaga is not letting the gossip and stubby finger pointing about her weight gain get to her. Like she tells her Little Monsters, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Don’t let bullies keep you from being the best King Joffrey looking little cutter with a raccoon henna tattoo you can be. Though, if you can contort your body enough and get the camera in just the right light and angle to make your ass look not so zaftig, you can still show the haters how wrong they are.

Photo Credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram

Kendall Jenner Drops Her Last Name

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

Kendall-Jenner-Bares-Midriff-in-a-Tight-White-Pants-lb

It was always kind of a bitch for her to spell in autographs, now Kendall Jenner has officially dropped her last name from her professional modeling whatever the fuck that is. She’s simply going to be called Kendall in rapey photography circles from now on. Kendall has recently been bitching about how everybody thinks her current career success came from her famous family name because she lacks irony, as well as a hymen and a basic education. You can imagine Kendall might not be getting the respect she deserves among the fashion modeling sisterhood, a notoriously pre-menstrual assemblage of the world’s most catty bitches. By dropping her last name, her peers are certain to forget how she got into New York Fashion Week without having to blow guys named Pasquale from the age of eleven. She did blow those same guys, but she had the choice. That’ll mark her forever as an outsider.

Lake Bell In Lingerie in GQ

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 9:09 AM

Lake Bell Poses In Lingerie For The September 2014 Issue Of GQ Australia
Every time I post a picture of Lake Bell, some tool feels obligated to whip out the Butter Face reference. Then some bigger tool will retort with ‘you don’t fuck the face’. The most moronic exchange in the history of the written language only reinforces my desire never to post pictures of Lake Bell. This is how Lake Bell discrimination begins. I hope she sues.

Photo Credit: GQ Australia