By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 10:34 AM
Kylie Jenner’s 957th unexcused absence from school was a day well spent. The Jenner daughter sorted out her feelings on chemtrails and dad’s nationally televised castration by grabbing brothel locker partner Pia Mia Perez and rebooting Adrian Lyne’s Foxes along Rodeo Drive. If nobody sees your camel toe, do you really exist? I’ll leave that to Socrates. Kylie has been forced to shoot down rumors once again this week that she’s carrying Tyga’s baby, reiterating her confidence that you can’t get pregnant from casual ass sex if you dookie immediately after. Book learning is overrated. It’s all about brief educational pamphlets.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 9:37 AM
Pixie Lott is a supremely British looking singer who had a whole bunch of pop songs you’d know if you were a pedophile trying to lure girls into the back of your lorry with knowledge of tween music. That might be unfair, even if entirely true. Instead of bitching about having to dress like a lady at the Cannes film festival, Pixie Lott just went ahead and flashed her nipples. Is that lady enough for you? This being France and progressive, most of the men just turned their eyes toward the ground and muttered a phrase that translates roughly to ‘I sauna with Francois but we just look’.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 9:25 AM
This might be my favorite fucking rock on the entire California coast line. It’s the one all these chicks in these bogus water ads are clinging to topless like mussels instinctively hanging on for one more spawning season. Just a few more turns of the brutal tide and my primordial responsibilities are concluded. I’m talking about the titty model now. One day one of them is going to figure out what their parents and friends already know but are too kind to tell them, there are no such thing as topless product ads. I wonder how long digital photographs last?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
Somehow the Ellen produced sit-com about happy go lucky lesbian cliches got canceled. No matter. She didn’t need the money and the bodies of those who let her down are now buried in her backyard as a reminder to Portia not to run. This left Kelly Brook jobless after just a few episodes and months of grueling workouts to lose the last twenty for television. She turned lemons into lemonade by fucking the personal trainer who helped her drop the weight. Fitness trainers get all the tail of professional athletes without ever having to show proof of elite talent. Also, the girls know better than to keep a trainer anchor baby. It’s a genius racket.
Photo Credit: Atkins
By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 7:48 AM
US Geological Survey seismologist Dr Lucy Jones went to the premier of the earthquake disaster movie San Andreas and live tweeted her scientific critiques of the film. Doing either of these things alone would make you an asshole. There’s a special place in hell for people who use their cell phones during a movie and it’s located right next to the clown rape station for people who go out of their way to inform you of the scientific or historical inaccuracies of movies. I know George Clooney still isn’t straight in outer space. Shut the fuck up now. An example of her relishing the opportunity to yell about earthquakes on the Internet since people turn the other way at parties to get more Gardetto’s despite the fact they give you bad breath or perhaps on purpose:
“First big howler. San Andreas the movie pretends that California has a subduction zone. We can only have a M8.2″
Jones then imparted her followers to not garner their seismology lessons from Hollywood movies, but a more appropriate venue like Twitter which lets you read a whopping sentence at a time. It’s a movie. People with jobs don’t have time to inject PEDs and eat cartons of eggs all day like Dwyane Johnson but I’ll leave my degree on the wall when lecturing you on it. It’s fake but that’s beside the point. If I see that phone out again I’m calling the usher. Failing that it’s a good day to tour the county jail. Five stars.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 7:19 AM
Conrad Hilton’s ex girlfriend Hunter Daily Salomon filed a restraining order against the Hilton heir because he kept showing up at her house all fucked up and threatening to kill himself if she didn’t get back together with him. Turn off your phone. Hunter is the daughter of Rick Salomon who you might remember gifting herpes to Conrad’s whore sister Paris on grainy video a decade ago. I’m not sure that counts as incest but this is what people in the Ozarks do when they win the Powerball.
Hunter has been in a relationship for several years and probably figures she can no longer keep this under wraps and it’s time to stop blowing her midget ex for free Ecstasy. Conrad is currently awaiting sentencing for assault after he freaked out on a flight and repeatedly insulted the passengers and crew while claiming his dad would pay off the airline to forget the episode. Not the case and in fact your gym membership is no longer valid and if you keep taking the Kudos out of the pantry Marisol is no longer washing your boxers. A lot of successful people have committed suicide. Hemingway did it and he was literate. What’s your excuse?
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 6:45 AM
Ronda Rousey’s opponent in the upcoming UFC event branded herself the female Ivan Drago by insulting Rousey’s struggle with drugs and then mocking suicide, which could be seen as inappropriate since Rousey’s father killed himself many years ago. When put into perspective this is a sport where people attempt to rip people’s arms out of their sockets so the trash talk hardly seems damaging. Yet for reasons I don’t understand these trained killers routinely act like a guy visiting the Kaballah center during his first semester at UC Santa Barbara. Brazilian Bethe Correia said the following to a reporter yet neglected to mention how there aren’t any nice guys on Tinder:
“When her mom put pressure on her, she ran away from home. When she lost, it was because of drugs. That’s not a superhero. She is not mentally healthy… I hope she does not kill herself later on [Laughing.]“
Correia then rolled by the local junior high school and wrote ‘cunt’ in permanent marker on the pretty girls’ lockers. Rousey is favored to win the fight, but flaring up her hormones might have just upped the money line. Every chick has a little bit of pet adoption and a little Lorena Bobbitt in her. Are you feeling lucky?
Photo Credit: UFC.com
By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 6:14 AM
A video of Rick Ross’ girlfriend Lastonia Leviston getting railed over a couch by some random dude was posted online months back. At some point another version appeared with 50 Cent’s head superimposed onto the guy’s body. Rick Ross claims 50 Cent posted the video first. 50 Cent claims someone in Ross’ entourage first leaked the video and he just innocently linked to it like a rascal. Ross had previously stated in a radio interview he planned to release the video because he’ll be in the grave soon and up to this point he has never done anything bad and is a veritable imposter. The chick sued 50 Cent, and 50 is now suing Ross to cover the amount of the judgement if he loses. Unfortunately none of the legal docs are loaded with pure anthrax.
This is what the Romans would have done before they were wiped out if they had technology and weren’t busy butt fucking the help. 50 Cent and Ross will eventually have to pay this poor chick for the loss of dignity she never had in the first place. Realistically she should be suing the guy who first leaked the video but he’s not even rich enough to have an Instagram account. Women complain about shaming and bullying yet 50 Cent gets to yuck it up on TV with Bryant Gumbel while Jezebel blogs about the evils of fitness modeling. In the end we need a moratorium on rappers who don’t make songs. Watch the news. Being shot in the face is no longer a skill. You smell like Cheese Puffs and rape.
Photo Credit: Instagram