Jesse Ventura Defeats Dead Guy

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 7:25 AM

Ventura

Jesse Ventura won a settlement for $1.8 million dollars against Chris Kyle, the Navy SEAL sniper who wrote American Sniper. In the book, Kyle claims he overheard Ventura talking anti American shit at a Navy SEALS reunion, including about how the Navy SEALS could lose a few pounds and how the U.S. was killing innocent Iraqi civilians. Naturally, he punched Ventura. Ventura claims he never badmouthed America or the SEALS, he never got punched,  and that his reputation had been damaged by the book to the point it was becoming difficult to book speaking engagements about why his hair suddenly went missing after being interviewed by the FBI. Ventura sued Kyle over the book but Kyle ended up getting shot and killed by a crazed Marine on a gun range in Texas in 2013. But the book had already raked in over $6 million in sales to the Kyle family, so the trial continued.

The jury heard from a bunch of reunion eyewitnesses who claim the altercation never occurred that evening and awarded Ventura the cash from the Kyle estate. I’m not sure why Kyle felt the need to lie about Ventura in his book. Maybe he really did get into a drunken fight at the reunion with some douchebag and woke up the next morning assuming that douchebag was Jesse Ventura. Easy mistake. I bet that happens to a lot of people who come across Jesse Ventura.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Chris Brown’s Neighbor Seems Cool

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:41 AM

Brown

Chris Brown’s neighbor threatened to shoot him if he sets foot on his property. It is unclear why the guy has a problem with Brown though equally unclear why anyone would not have a problem with Brown. Chris has been throwing loud parties and some of the depraved whore guests have spilled their fake cleavage onto his front yard. Unlike the millions of people who fantasize about accidentally pushing Chris Brown into an oncoming train, this neighbor guy sounds crazy enough to follow through:

“It can be the devil.  I can care less.  I don’t care if they’re having orgies.  It can even be Saddam Hussein for all I care, as long as he doesn’t trespass onto my property, if he does, I shoot him.”

Consider this is a challenge for the rest of us to get Chris Brown to walk across this guy’s lawn. Maybe we Hansel and Gretel out a trail of joints that leads Chris across the adjoining property lines. If he won’t budge, we can experiment with catapults provided by the History Channel. We can’t just let this opportunity pass. This is the best lead we’ve had in years.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Robyn Lawley Is Blowing Up

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

Lawley

Robyn Lawley is getting a lot of attention for an untouched photo she posted on Facebook, stirring debate about whether she is actually a plus sized model. On one side are fatty activists who think models should be the size that God made them, give or take a few runs at $5 endless apps at TGIFridays. On the elevated end of the see-saw are the people who think models should look like a walking mannequin whose distended ribs you hold onto as you bang her at a Charlie Sheen cocaine party. The silent majority think Lawley is 6’2″ and needs to lose a couple or three.

Lawley is a poster child for body image discussions. She writes a food blog called Robyn Lawley Eats which features photographs of the shit they found rotting in Elvis’ colon during autopsy. She gets pissed about thigh gaps, fails to note that some chicks are not as tall as Jason Kidd’s media guide height, and believes that vive la différence is French for kill all the skinny bitches. She also stuck up for Lady Gaga’s recent weight gain, opining its completely normal for an overly sexualized pop star to morph into Samwise Gamgee. She panders to the BBWs by rocking the tiniest gut in a winking nod of solidarity. Most of her fans are too far gone to identify with Giselle, but can still fantasize about the day they will be semi-cute with a muffin top Bradley Cooper wants to lick clean.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Toni Garrn Topless on a Boat

By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 3:20 PM

Toni Garrn Goes Topless On A Yacht In Ibiza
Leonardo DiCaprio is not a man with a ton of time to waste. If you discount clubbing, karate kicking, and deep musing, he’s a very busy guy who medically requires sex five times a day with somebody with a modeling card in Frankfurt and Milan. Clothes take time to remove. Fancy model clothes take even more time. Then there’s that whole bit about wrinkling them or how it’s impossible to get horse pee out of silk. Total bother even for the man with nothing but time. Leo has no time. It’s best you just wait for him on the boat with as little as you can wear without being arrested by Interpol. You know who liked to wear clothes? Bar Refaeli. Now she’s running homing beacons into Hamas apartments. Anything more than a thong bottom and you can swim back to shore. DiCaprio, out.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

The Ninja Turtles Did 9/11 And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 29, 2014 @ 2:01 PM

1uCHdMY

Michael Bay is in shitload of fake trouble after releasing a poster for the shitty looking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looks like they are falling from an exploding World Trade Center. In response, Michael Bay said, fuck you, my money’s guaranteed and so are my bitches. I’m paraphrasing.

Check out the Ninja Turtles falling to their deaths. (Gawker)

Vanessa Hudgens’ has an entire caravan of camel toe in her shorts. (Drunken Stepfather)

Beyonce is secretly looking for a new place in Manhattan. (Dlisted)

DMX screaming like a bitch on roller coaster is amazing. Grrrr. (Complex)

Zoe Saldana gets naked for Women’s Health or something. Who cares, tits! (Huffington Post)

Hillary Duff gets a bikini rubdown in her new video. (The Superficial)

Hannah Ferguson gets all wet and eats a burger all sexy like. (COED)

(Image Via Paramount)

The Houghs Seem Like The Fun Mormons

By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Julianne-Hough-In-Skimpy-Dance-Outfits-For-The-Final-Move-Live-Performance-In-Los-Angeles-lb2
Apparently, seeing Julianna Hough and Derek Hough dance in sequins is a thing as the brother and sister have been on tour this summer in cities where men are allowed to stare deep into their little sister’s vaginas without being arrested. The siblings have been dancing together since they were little kids when Julianne would force Derek try on her dresses by saying, ‘Hey, Derek’. It was all gender identity fun and games until the Mormon God cursed Julianne with discovering Ryan Seacrest trying on her negligee two decades later. Imagine that blood curdling scream. If you’re hoping to see the Hough’s show, you’re shit out of luck. The run just ended. But for the same price I know a guy who will blow you while pretending he’s your sister and he’s worried your dad is going to walk in. I mean, I know of him.

Photo Credit: Splash

Sylvie van der Vaart in A Bikini

By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 8:56 AM

Sylvie van der Vaart In A Pink Bikini At The Beach In St Tropez
Syvlie van der Vaart seems like one of those women men create in comic books. She’s not even van der Vaart anymore. That was the name of her pro soccer husband Rafael van der Vaart who dumped her last year after her chemotherapy left her unable to produce more children. She seemed pretty understanding:

I knew for years how big his desire was to have children. I guess it’s good that Rafael is now getting the child that I couldn’t give him thanks to my cancer diagnosis.

That’s mighty understanding of a professional athlete’s desire to beget many children on various continents then battle in court over child support. But it gets worse. Or better. Her husband decided the best choice of new womb would be Sylvie’s best friend and the divorced wife of his teammate. Sabia Some Slut, or something like that. Syvlie was super cool to that as well:

I imagine when all the emotions die down that Rafael, Sabia and me will probably be able to get along perfectly normally.

Where did they make this woman? I have to believe she’s either a fembot programmed by the NFL Stepford Wives project or she really fucking hated her husband and couldn’t wait for him to go. Maybe she’s got her own dude on the side who can handle banging a 35-year old lingerie model who can’t get pregnant no matter the sweat between the sheets. That sounds horrible. If the feminists let her live, Sylvie’s going to make a great leader of the resistance.

Photo Credit: Splash

Music Protests R Kelly

By Matt July 29, 2014 @ 7:43 AM

Kelly

Two Ohio based bands have dropped out of The Fashion Meets Music Festival because one of the Festival headliners is underaged girl loving R Kelly. Saintseneca, a band as preachy as their new aged name, thought better than to share billing with Kelly:

“We feel it is an affront to all survivors, who are already often overlooked and forgotten in our society.”

Pop musicians aren’t usually considered super bright, but apparently Saintseneca are the only ones reading the paper rather than getting their news of the world from celebrity Twitter feeds. Kelly has avoided industry backlash while documented cases of his aversion to pubic hair pile up like the stash of candy he passes out to chicks in the Target girls section. Boycotts are a slippery slope. Taking a stand against Kelly’s pederasty could lead one to boycott the entire Fashion Meets Music Festival, since the fashion industry is largely comprised of Russian waifs sold into slavery by their stepdads in exchange for charcoal and cigarettes. You might have to cancel this entire tour. The blindsided kids will probably turn to drug experimentation and non-premium cable. Still, I’d rather say I spent the summer getting high and watching Cartoon Network than watching R. Kelly clean his dick on my 8th grade yearbook.

Photo Credit: Getty Images