By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 11:32 AM
People magazine, the celebrity pucker rag, let Stephen Collins publish an unchallenged apology for molesting girls forty years ago or maybe twenty when you get right to it. Collins’ wife, the evil female character named Faye Grant, had previously recorded Collins confessions to flashing young girls in the neighborhood, and putting one girl’s hand on his crotch, during their marital therapy sessions. She hoped to use the molestation claims against him in divorce court. They are rather more powerful than leaving socks on the floor or not being emotionally available during football season.
Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since. I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent. On the recording, I described events that took place 20, 32, and 40 years ago. The publication of the recording has resulted in assumptions and innuendos about what I did that go far beyond what actually occurred. As difficult as this is, I want people to know the truth.
And the truth is different than your leaked confession? No, it’s the same. What you wanted people to know is that you’re super sorry, that you’re the victim of a calculating ex-wife, and you’ve been atoning for it ever since by making tons of bad TV movies and TV appearances. I can’t help you buddy if people are assuming you did more than just the three child molestation instances mentioned on the tape. These deviant desires have a way of uncorking into more than just one three second incident every dozen years. If People magazine weren’t a puff platform for pedos, they might’ve gone down that path.
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 10:11 AM
Lindsay Lohan got the latest nod to dance creepily for Love Magazine’s ode to Quaalude Christmas. Video producers had the foresight to put Lindsay in an oversized sweater so viewers can pretend drinking since puberty hasn’t left her looking like an aging madam in an Old West saloon. I couldn’t think of anything more Christmas than watching Lindsay Lohan trying to be coquettish. Perhaps the reindeer pulling a train on Mrs. Clause while Kris films with a GoPro mounted to his hat. Or the birth of Jesus.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:37 AM
I imagine hell to be Paris Hilton waving her arm in the air DJing at a sweaty nightclub while throngs babble in thick cockney accents. Fuck, I just shuddered. I hope when I get there it’s just flames and pitchforks and Sodomites who cackle over the latest Real Housewives gossip.
Paris whisked herself to London to DJ a wicked nightclub set fresh off being crowned the top DJ in the entire known universe. It’s the Heisman for bon vivants on viral suppressants. Paris looked absolutely fabulous with her tits pushed up and her ass period leaking an enticing stain on the rear of her dress. Her pink panties the international symbol for look but don’t touch or my bodyguard will snap off your dick like a ninja. The scene was perfect. Paris owned the heart of England. With any luck, the Queen will have her murdered like Diana.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:20 AM
That’s 50 Cents’ baby mama who sued him successfully for paternity and Floyd Mayweather’s ex who he dumped after she aborted their twin fetuses on Twitter. If the big fake titties of women who engage informally in unprotected sexual intercourse can’t convince people to donate wrapped toys for children who get none this Christmas, what will it take? I donate to Toys for Toys every year myself. I drop off some Milton-Bradley games, but I let the underprivileged kids see me holding back on the PS3s and premium gifting content hoping it inspires them to get off their asses and make something of themselves. This is America, little man in rags. Some day the Candylands won’t be coming for free.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 8:11 AM
Jeb Bush took the unusual step of releasing 250,000 of his private emails to the public in preparation for his upcoming Presidential Run. That’s wonderful, now how about we see those few hundred you didn’t release in the folder marked, Do Not Release, This Shit Is Incriminating. When your girlfriend asks you if you’ve ever cheated on her, you can’t just answer back, not in Kansas I haven’t. You’re a 60-something dude who’s spent his life in politics. We know you got some nasty fucking emails somewhere. We don’t need to see your P.F. Chang’s takeout confirms. This document dump seems duplicitous and insincere. In short, Presidential. Congratulations next Bush. You get the chocolate factory.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 7:45 AM
The anonymous hackers infuriated by the film The Interview have threatened to blow up the theater where the film will be shown to modestly interested movie goers curious mostly about the infuriated anonymous hackers.
“Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made. The world will be full of fear. Remember the 11th of September 2001. We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time. (If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.) Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment. All the world will denounce the SONY.”
Fuck, now I have to go just because I’m American and I like slightly above average comedies. I’ll be sure to Tweet you which theater to your outdated Blackberry just to be certain you’re full of shit. Since you can barely afford stale rice I’m not counting on you having the recourses to take out a Cineplex. Especially when you just invited every angry white guy in mom jeans to occupy the theater with some fucking Open Carry. Better not show your face. It’s BYOB assholes. The Interview just made my Oscar list.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 7:19 AM
When you heard Sony had its system hacked you must have been expecting better shit than this. Angelina Jolie sending full mastectomy nudes to the Head of Development. John Travolta admitting he sticks his penis in his wife and likes it. Something shocking. We got fucking Alex Trebek threatening to quit Jeopardy because he feels unsupported in his TV relationship. The trouble started when Trebek metaphorically bitch slapped some teen contestant in his trademark passive aggressive way by not allowing her to compete in Final Jeopardy. I don’t know the exact rules but he was actually in the right. Then the chick’s mom flipped out and started threatening to post Twitter photos of the kid’s tears in response. The network told Trebek to re-tape the segment. Then Trebek was like fuck it and fired off an email:
“If you all think I should retape the opening, I will. But I want to say that for 30 years I’ve defended our show against attacks inside and out. But it doesn’t seem to operate both ways. When I’m vilified, corporate (and certainly legal) always seems to say ‘don’t say anything and it’ll blow over,’ and I’m not feeling support from the producers, and that disappoints the shit out of me.”
It’s a pretty serious job being a walking punchline. Sometimes the annoying people win by virtue of how annoying they are. If it really bothers you just picture their daily routine. It’s not worth it. Its tough finding shit to be pissed about and then getting booked on The View. Here’s to another eighty years, Big T.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 6:32 AM
A model is accusing Bill Cosby of drugging her and licking her toes and tits with some ferocity at the Playboy Mansion only about six years ago. It’s a new fetish chapter in the roofie Kama Sutra compendium Cosby is compiling. For those of us who don’t know many young formerly drugged and assaulted models in Hollywood or Las Vegas, we might be surprised to learn that tales and rumors of Cosby rapes have been going around the gossip circles for decades now, but nobody who mattered paid much attention.
Cosby’s legal fix-it man Marty Singer claims this is because all of the allegations are bogus and shouldn’t even be mentioned aloud lest Zeus hurl a lightning bolt toward earth for mortals being so impudent. Others might say that wealthy and beloved public figures can get away with pretty much anything, no matter who speaks out. But mostly people just want to not think about Bill Cosby licking some unconscious young chick with his old hairy man tongue. The interesting part of this latest drug rape allegation is that it falls within the Statute of Limitations, meaning Cosby could be prosecuted. Or he’ll just cut a fat check to the chick with the soppy toes and she’ll drop the charges. People are strange when you’re a stranger.
Photo Credit: Getty Images