By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 9:50 AM
I don’t know what these girls are shooting into their shitters to make them extra bulbous and grotesquely disproportionate, but I’d like two quarts for my girlish calves. Rappers have this thing about fat assed women, but I have to imagine Ice-T is every now and again banging his lady and feeling like one badly ashamed shepherd. Once I saw the first fatback wave traveling across those cheeks like a deep seismic buckle, I think I’d go back to drinking with my boys and beating up guys who talked about how hot my wife’s ass is.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 8:50 AM
Nicole Murphy’s reps are pushing some story about how she’s getting over her breakup with Michael Strahan by doubling her efforts on promoting her crappy wine. Destiny Moscato, I guess that’s a wine. It sounds like a porn star who will only do ATM after her boyfriend kisses her with cocaine on his lips. It’s always amazing to see what Hollywood ex-wives will do once they are empty nesters with free time and a little investment cash on their hands. Signature crappy liquor seems to be a common theme. Destiny is described as:
a beautiful sparkling moscato wine with a perfect blend of both sweet and citrus flavors, and an effervescence reminiscent of a fine champagne.
So, it’s basically sweet wine coolers for sorority girls to become statistics by. I guess part of the world does need that. Maybe Michael Strahan will take Nicole back so she can stop brewing her date rape in a bottle. She’s not bad looking for a boy.
Photo Credit: KDNPIX
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 7:06 AM
I was cool pretending Serena Williams was merely the big-boned sister. Maybe even the unusually strong girl in the Romanian circus. But this power of Greyskull muscle mass is getting out of control. Serena’s rocking the Road Warrior pythons. She and dad and sister can pull all the test results they want out of their ass, something’s amiss. I’d investigate, but you go snooping around the Island of Dr. Moreau, you come back half gnu.
Photo credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt September 02, 2014 @ 6:09 AM
Kourtney Kardashian pretended to reveal to her unemployed boyfriend that she’s pregnant with their third out of wedlock child. Disick shuttered at the notion. Possibly because Kourtney asked him to shut the door so they could be in private with a camera crew. Or maybe he just did some basic math splits on what he gets after he dumps her body in the quarry. Disick ranted to a degree a sober person would find suspicious:
“This is ridiculous. It is always so sneaky with you. You need to stop lying to me…You just keep suckering me into these kids… I just kind of thought that at two we did not want to have any more kids and now I have to look after three. Just saying it is freaking me out.”
Although this pregnancy seems like a total disaster, Disick is actually doing the zygote a favor. Years later when the child has grown up to a pill popping teen with inadequacy issues, it will begin searching for answers. Most of these kids have to fly to Tampa to meet their estranged alcoholic father in the Elephant Bar for a disappointing heart to heart. This little bastard will have Youtube.
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 12:11 PM
There’s nothing more American than Labor Day. It might be an international trade union event that morphed into communism and the world’s worst parades ever, but it’s still the day we close all the public pools sending the pedophiles back into the classrooms and Fed-Ex Kinko’s. Nothing says U.S.A. like some British chick and an Australian chick with a big fake ass at a Made in America concert in Los Angeles. They did a lot of pretending to make out and feel each other up, which I appreciate. You can’t auto-tune fake lesbian stage antics. Within this decade Labor Day will be swapped out for a holiday about turning off your air-conditioning so that marmosets won’t go extinct. Enjoy it now, comrades. America, Fuck Yeah.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:54 AM
Fuck you for telling a lady on her wedding days she can’t feel like a virgin. Jenny McCarthy looked like an angel with silicon tits at her marriage over the weekend to the less successful Wahlberg brother. While celebrity marriages face long odds, celebrity marriages where both spouses have clear calendars until their iPhones stop counting stand a remarkably good chance at success.
Mark Wahlberg was unable to attend the wedding because he didn’t have enough airline points. Also because he’s a Catholic who believes you charitably accept wayward whores, you don’t marry them. Everybody was happy for Donnie for bagging the busty blond so they could update his Wiki page for the first time in twenty years. Donnie’s already practiced his ‘no comment’ smile for when reporters ask him if he agrees with his wife that ebola is natural and just makes kids stronger.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:09 AM
Who doesn’t want something on underneath their clothes that makes them feel like a right proper whore. I once had a girlfriend who made me wear a pair of something other than muted color boxers and I felt like a million goddamn self-esteem points. My confidence skyrocketed, I asked the boss for a raise, I told my dad I didn’t want to be a cantor like he and his father before him, and I finally got calves after a decade of futility at the gym. It was like discovering you were from Krypton and not like all the other boys. I had sex with the girl at the office I never thought I could get. My girlfriend cried and dumped me. Her fault. I went back to gray boxers. That was too much power.
Photo Credit: LOU
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:44 AM
The powerhouse that is America may not be the shining light on the hill it once was, but we still stand for all things super-sized. Everything here is supposed to be big. We have big business, big cars, big round people, and we’re supposed to have big tits. It’s okay for your standard liberal arts college coed to have itty bitties, but when we send envoys around the world, they need big boobs that scream America. Emma Stone is kind of disappointing. She’s in Venice. We had a war there not so long ago. We don’t need bosomy Italian women laughing at our flat chested saplings. Now that I didn’t legally see them, I’m allowed to say that Kate Upton has big old jam filled mams. Certainly we can train her to act to the level of an Emma Stone. A year at an actor’s academy and some number of electrical shocks ought to suffice. This time next year, I want all Europeans once more scoffing at us stupid Americans and with our big bloated tits.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty