We don’t get many coherent letters. J.R. noted we have had lousy tits today so why not show the leaked Batman vs. Superman trailer. I have no good answer for rhetorical questions. Best guess is a Peruvian on $5 Insanity busted into a screening room and captured the trailer on his cell phone. He was later arrested and sent to the soccer stadium you don’t come home from. The trailer was supposed to come out Monday, but tech nerd is the new strong so it was inevitable this shit would get pilfered early. As a summary, two hot brooding dudes in capes and latex wrestle until one surrenders. If you can’t wait a year for the movie to come out, visit the gayest bar in your vicinity on any given Saturday to witness the same in a cage. Take that, Taliban. We win.
Jaime King just can’t get over the fact that some unhappy dudes on the Internet say means things to women about their bodies. I relate to the feeling. I once read a post from this guy in Indiana who claimed Attack of the Clones is the best Star Wars film. I couldn’t sleep for weeks knowing that tidal wave of thought was out there. King could take into consideration that some small slice of every population just outright sucks, but then she’d have nothing to tout in Elle magazine about gestational shaming:
Nobody’s standing up to say this is wrong. Pregnancy is very sacred and important moment in someone’s life. [But] the fact is that nobody should be body shamed. Nobody should be torn apart for being too thin or too fat or too this or too that.”
One percent of people on social media are writing plainly nasty comments. Four percent are chanting Death to America and posting beheading photos with LOLs. Ten percent are posting pictures of cats. The vast majority are still vegetable like sycophants who will give you a ‘go girl’ just for re-hashing empty slogans. You’re going to be fine. I mean, maybe order a sandwich or something. You are eating for one now. Body shamed!
Photo Credit: Getty
There’s a new directive for female celebrities posting online. Social statement or get the fuck out. Gender pay gap, rape culture, and body shaming are the trending three right now.Selena Gomez tap danced into body shaming, posting pictures of herself looking in a bikini and declaring:
I love being happy with me yall #theresmoretolove.
Adopting black culture is a shonda, but appropriating BBW culture seems to be cool. There’s more of you to love? You weigh ninety pounds wet. Not soaking wet, just intimately moist, as I imagine you to be when taking selfies of your fine body and pretending you’re a suffragette. Somebody needs to remind the pretty girls that they don’t do student council. They do cheerleading. You start fucking with the natural order and you’re left with chaos. The captain of the football team sleeps with the fat girl on oboe and the earth will go dystopian faster than you can say popular teen novel series. Let’s walk those hashtags back to #BikiniFuckable and we’ll actually be moving forward.
Photo Credit: Instagram
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be aroused by this flesh formation or bring it to New York in chains for an open air circus that wildly threatens public safety. I have to admire the sister on the bottom for her strength and steadiness. Also her willingness to contract crabs. This routine is one midget in a devil costume away from genius.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Blackmen SSX Tribute Magazine
The chick who played Rue, the cute as a button black girl destined to die in a tear jerking scene in the first Hunger Games, created a video criticizing Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and other whiteys for misappropriating black culture:
In 2013, Miley Cyrus twerks and uses black women as props, and then in 2014, in one of her videos called This Is How We Do, Katy Perry uses Ebonics and hand gestures and eats watermelons while wearing cornrows, before cutting inexplicably to a picture of Aretha Franklin. So as you can see, cultural appropriation was rampant.
Rue, teen actress Amanda Sternberg, also notes Kesha, Madonna, and Taylor Swift routinely dress and draw content and visuals straight from typically black culture. But then, so what? If cornrows, grills, gang signs, and twerking gets you mega cash in 2015, of course people are going to steal it for themselves. I’m sure crunchy organic farmers are pissed that mega agri-corps are now labeling their products organic as well by the narrowest of margins, but that’s because that’s what sells on the shelves. If Kesha stuck to white people shit like eating liverwurst sandwiches and fearing sex she’d still be living in her car reeking of urine. Thanks to adopting black culture, only one of those things is true.
The fact that traditionally black cultural elements are super popular among white suburban mall kids should be a good thing. These crackers think hip hop is their ticket to acceptance. The Kardashians will only meld with black men. I understand that’s embarrassing as shit, but frame it as racial progress rather than cultural identify theft and you’ll be a much happier person. They’re still going to make the black characters die first in sci-fi movies. We’re not all the way home yet.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
There is a Japanese game show called Sing If You Can where guys sing karaoke while getting jerked off from behind a curtain. The goal is apparently to sing half way decent while you’re preparing to spooge. Actually, like all Japanese game shows, the goal is to hear lots of giggling and see ashamed faces. For the supremely uninhibited contestants sometimes the chicks will use their feet. I’m not much of a foot job man myself but I could do without this woman staring at me like I’m putting the finishing touches on a sculpture while she’s working the pump action. The Japanese are indeed an industrious people. Sometimes they invent new automotive technologies but it’s in the field of bizarre public ritualistic sex acts their true genius really shines. It’s tempting to call them TV retarded but we live in a country where people pay premium rates to see Lena Dunham topless taking a dump. Don’t throw stones in a glass house. Dudes will do anything for a free hand job. Lionel Richie was a visionary.
Transgender actress Laverne Cox did a strategic nude photo shoot for Allure magazine because she is a hero for embracing her true gender identity. According to the trans community there is zero difference between a trans woman and a regular woman, meaning a woman who was born a woman who calls herself a woman and ascribes to certain gender roles such as being uninformed about the pay gap. Except for the enormous hands and feet. Cox understands the need to embrace different standards of beauty:
“I’m a black transgender woman. I felt this could be really powerful for communities that I represent. Black women are not often told that we’re beautiful unless we align with certain standards. Trans women certainly are not told we’re beautiful.”
This is purely a numbers game. A small minority of dudes are into trannies. Those are the ones who will be telling you you’re beautiful at the truck stop. The rest of society will probably be ignoring you. I’m not ready to start jerking off to gay midget porn in the name of equality. I’m sure my grandkids will spit on me at the dinner table. If she put on a Terrell Owens jersey, I could probably make this happen. His grip always kind of turned me on. That might be sexist. I don’t know anymore.
Photo Credit: Allure.com
Since Chrissy Teigen’s stretch mark selflie, hordes of other hens have posted photos of their stretch marks to Instagram. It doesn’t take much for chicks these days to self congratulate themselves. Posting pictures of your spent tampon is always an efficient way to stick it to your step father or that TGI Friday’s manager who paid you the same as your male counterparts. I hadn’t realized you deserved a pat on the back for rapidly changing your body weight. Doctors would even advise against it. I’m confused. It seems there are entire aisles of products aimed at getting rid of stretch marks. If those fail just pretend they’re cool. Pretty soon I’ll be posting stern faced photos of my beer gut in the name of alcoholism and rocking a blue ribbon for liver cancer. Some women have stretch marks. I get it. People have hemorrhoids too. At what point do you keep it to yourself? I’d be willing to bet all these chicks at some point felt irrationally insecure about them. I’d feel insecure about these photos as well. There’s a middle ground. It’s called other people.
Photo Credit: Instagram