Facebook Finds Gold at End of Gay Rainbows

By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 9:36 AM

Zuckerberg-Rainbow-Profile

According to the Daily Mail, a clickbait headline company with random words beneath, the Facebook rainbow flag option for profile pictures this past week may have been a cynical psychological test to support Mark Zuckerberg’s plan to take over the world and eliminate tits forever. Following the SCOTUS affirmation of same sex marriages, twenty-five millions people with the bandwagon instincts of a Lakers fan utilized the Facebook promoted app to doctor up their profile pictures in colors of the Gay Pride flag. It is possible Facebook was collecting information on who was accessing the app, how quickly, their click patterns and history, and a bunch of other shit that translates roughly into how to sell these same people dish soap and tampons.

Facebook itself has copped to running similar type human experiments in the past, though they always claim the data is aggregated and never isolated down to Angie Jennings at 147 Sequoia Lane, Elko, Nevada 89801, currently planting tomatoes in her backyard with her two children, the one who is doing well in school and nine-year old Aimee who will top out at ‘some college’ and marry young. The most important thing is you showed your friends with your four exclamation points and eleven seconds of commitment that you walk with the righteous. Rock on, Rosa Parks, 2015 edition.

Amber Heard’s Bisexual Burden

By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 9:11 AM

Amber Heard Red Hot At Magic Mike Premiere
Amber Heard would like people to know it’s hard being hot and blonde and bisexual in Hollywood. Also, a loaf of bread might cost sixty-four cents, but she’s not committing to that until she gets further information. Heard came out as bisexual in 2010 and ever since has suffered the consequences of seven major motion pictures and a marriage to Johnny Depp.

I don’t want to have to deny my sexuality in order to be me. But I don’t want to have to be defined by it. I’m fundamentally opposed to trying to edit myself to be palatable or popular. I don’t give a fuck. I fight, but I shouldn’t have to.

I’m not sure she said anything, but she’s super good looking and likes to go down on chicks, so it doesn’t matter. Though maybe it should to her husband. Heard claims she re-wrote several lines for her character in Magic Mike XXL to be more bisexual. She doesn’t necessarily have writing skills, but that’s trumped by the fact she knows what it’s like to have dick for dinner and pussy for dessert. Next week she’ll be picking up nuclear disarmament talks with Iran. Being bisexual is like staying at a Holiday Inn.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Brielle Biermann Growing Cleavage

By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 8:20 AM

Brielle Biermann Big Cleavage Show
Kim Zolciak is known for three things. Fucking a fifty year old cop in a criminal investigation when she was seventeen. Marrying a football player and landing a spot on housewife TV. And her previous husband being arrested for banging the underaged babysitter. And, by famous, I mean, I didn’t know any of this shit or who the fuck she was until I googled her. Her oldest kid of six by three different dudes turned eighteen which means she too can spend her days talking about her tits on social media. Daughter Brielle Biermann has been responding to assertions that she got breast implants. You can’t let that shit go unanswered. That’s how Al Gore lost in 2000.

Brielle added that she’s been regularly posting revealing shots of her teen tits to social media for several years now rendering it impossible for her to have the down time to be implanted and bandaged. This seems like how Hitchcock murder mysteries might go if he was working in 2015. I’d say it’s nobody’s business but her own, but that’s clearly not true. It’s just encouraging to see America’s youth applying a trade. Or at least just happy with their birth gender. Nice fake tits, Brielle. I’m onto you.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Journey Drummer Rapes Wife

By Matt July 01, 2015 @ 7:40 AM

Deen

The drummer of Journey has been arrested on charges of rape, coercion, unlawful use of a weapon, sexual abuse, and wearing Ed Hardy shirts, which carries a mandatory sentence outside of Little Armenia. Deen Castronovo was immediately booted from their mall and state fair tour because if you can replace your lead singer with a diminutive Pilipino man then your drummer is obviously expendable. Who knows what happened between he and his wife but let’s assume drugs were involved. Perhaps we need more than one word when it comes to rape. I get you made a phone call, but odds are the guy wasn’t hiding in the garage with a face mask. He actually sleeps there in the bed next to you. Let’s just call him a shitty husband and get your brothers together to beat him something good. Wheel in the sky keeps on turning. You’ll miss him when he’s gone. He was an asshole, but he was your asshole.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Rapper Satisfied With Decision To Cut Dick Off

By Matt July 01, 2015 @ 7:09 AM

CB

The rapper who cut off his dick and jumped off a building did a candid interview and stood by his choices, remarkably on the outside of prison walls. Stephen Hawking remains wheelchair bound. God must be dropping the ball. Christ Bearer stated that he was high at the time, shockingly:

“PCP and meth and Molly and alcohol. And no sleep. That was the main thing, no sleep.”

No I think the main thing was the PCP and meth. Otherwise you might have gone to sleep. Christ Bearer retains a high level of self confidence for a dickless man, and is even bragging about the size of it even though he cut most of it off. That takes balls:

“I did cut a lot of my penis off. Due to the fact that it’s not a myth, the black man do, I’m not really going to go into it too much, we hangin’, so I’m still able to work with what I’m able to work with, and get it down. I’m the only man ever did what the fuck I did, and I’m proud of it. Because why? In the annals of history, I don’t think you got anybody who ever did it. I might’ve made the biggest mistake ever in history. But I’m proud of that.”

I’ve gone from irritated to morbidly curious and now I’m fully back on board. Give this dude a reality show ASAP. Caitlyn Jenner hasn’t even cut off her dick yet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Sean Penn New Pussy

By Matt July 01, 2015 @ 6:40 AM

Kelly

After losing his last inexplicably hot younger famous girlfriend, Sean Penn has moved on to thirty-five year old dubiously employed model and actress Minka Kelly, yet he still doesn’t have a holiday. Kelly is a fixture on the Beverly Hills charity circuit, which just so happens to be a good place to meet rich dudes. Beyond that she lives in a fridge box. What was that about Haiti? Take it easy on my gag reflex. Penn is clearly a man of passion. Another way to phrase that is criminal. I don’t trust old men with big muscles. Mystic River was a solid flick. Tell me you love me. I can’t wait to meet your dad. He’s a huge fan. Did I mention I don’t age like normal men?

Photo Credit: Twitter/Instagram 

Bill Hudson Still Finding His Dad Rhythm

By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 2:03 PM

Bill-Hudson-and-Goldie-Hawn

Oliver Hudson mocked his absentee bio-dad on Father’s Day by calling it Happy Abandonment Day and posting a kid picture of himself and his sister Kate Hudson and Bill Hudson who fucked Goldie Hawn at a party in 1976 and had to marry her. Their marriage lasted one more kid plus a couple months before Hudson took off for better eats down the street. Papa was a rolling stone. Following his 38-year son’s Instagram tantrum, Bill Hudson fired back with some tidbits of uncomfortable paternity:

“I say to them now, ‘I set you free,. I had five birth children but I now consider myself a father of three. I no longer recognize Oliver and Kate as my own. I would ask them to stop using the Hudson name. They are no longer a part of my life. Oliver’s Instagram post was a malicious, vicious, premeditated attack. He is dead to me now. As is Kate. I am mourning their loss even though they are still walking this earth.”

That seems like progress. You wanted a hug and you got a swift kick in the nuts. This could’ve been handled so much better with an afternoon talk show ambush. Now you’re dead to dad. That might not mean much since he missed your last thirty birthdays, but good luck getting his car for the prom.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Katy Perry Is Rich

By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 12:43 PM

Katy-Perry-Covers-Forbes

Katy Perry made the cover of Forbes magazine because she raked $135 million in earnings the past twelve months from live performances, music sales, commercial endorsements, and taking in neighbors’ laundry at seventeen cents per pound. Perry noted that many women in the past have shied away from taking the Forbes cover for rich ass celebrities because they felt it might look like flaunting or bragging, while she owns the fact that even as a woman she’s been able to get teens and troubled older women to buy her crappy music to the tune of three steel sheds filled with hundreds. As her daddy always told her, the Jews are going to take it all anyhow, might as well enjoy it while you can. Who feels like a plastic bag now, motherfuckers?

Photo Credit: Forbes