Conrad Hilton Holds on Loosely

By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 7:19 AM

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Conrad Hilton’s ex girlfriend Hunter Daily Salomon filed a restraining order against the Hilton heir because he kept showing up at her house all fucked up and threatening to kill himself if she didn’t get back together with him. Turn off your phone. Hunter is the daughter of Rick Salomon who you might remember gifting herpes to Conrad’s whore sister Paris on grainy video a decade ago. I’m not sure that counts as incest but this is what people in the Ozarks do when they win the Powerball.

Hunter has been in a relationship for several years and probably figures she can no longer keep this under wraps and it’s time to stop blowing her midget ex for free Ecstasy. Conrad is currently awaiting sentencing for assault after he freaked out on a flight and repeatedly insulted the passengers and crew while claiming his dad would pay off the airline to forget the episode. Not the case and in fact your gym membership is no longer valid and if you keep taking the Kudos out of the pantry Marisol is no longer washing your boxers. A lot of successful people have committed suicide. Hemingway did it and he was literate. What’s your excuse?

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Ronda Rousey’s Opponent Out Of Line

By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 6:45 AM

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Ronda Rousey’s opponent in the upcoming UFC event branded herself the female Ivan Drago by insulting Rousey’s struggle with drugs and then mocking suicide, which could be seen as inappropriate since Rousey’s father killed himself many years ago. When put into perspective this is a sport where people attempt to rip people’s arms out of their sockets so the trash talk hardly seems damaging. Yet for reasons I don’t understand these trained killers routinely act like a guy visiting the Kaballah center during his first semester at UC Santa Barbara. Brazilian Bethe Correia said the following to a reporter yet neglected to mention how there aren’t any nice guys on Tinder:

“When her mom put pressure on her, she ran away from home. When she lost, it was because of drugs. That’s not a superhero. She is not mentally healthy… I hope she does not kill herself later on [Laughing.]“

Correia then rolled by the local junior high school and wrote ‘cunt’ in permanent marker on the pretty girls’ lockers. Rousey is favored to win the fight, but flaring up her hormones might have just upped the money line. Every chick has a little bit of pet adoption and a little Lorena Bobbitt in her. Are you feeling lucky?

Photo Credit: UFC.com

50 Cent And Rick Ross Make Mamma Proud

By Matt May 29, 2015 @ 6:14 AM

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A video of Rick Ross’ girlfriend Lastonia Leviston getting railed over a couch by some random dude was posted online months back. At some point another version appeared with 50 Cent’s head superimposed onto the guy’s body. Rick Ross claims 50 Cent posted the video first. 50 Cent claims someone in Ross’ entourage first leaked the video and he just innocently linked to it like a rascal. Ross had previously stated in a radio interview he planned to release the video because he’ll be in the grave soon and up to this point he has never done anything bad and is a veritable imposter. The chick sued 50 Cent, and 50 is now suing Ross to cover the amount of the judgement if he loses. Unfortunately none of the legal docs are loaded with pure anthrax.

This is what the Romans would have done before they were wiped out if they had technology and weren’t busy butt fucking the help. 50 Cent and Ross will eventually have to pay this poor chick for the loss of dignity she never had in the first place. Realistically she should be suing the guy who first leaked the video but he’s not even rich enough to have an Instagram account. Women complain about shaming and bullying yet 50 Cent gets to yuck it up on TV with Bryant Gumbel while Jezebel blogs about the evils of fitness modeling. In the end we need a moratorium on rappers who don’t make songs. Watch the news. Being shot in the face is no longer a skill. You smell like Cheese Puffs and rape.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Closes the Chapter

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 12:53 PM

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Lindsay Lohan was pronounced clear of all charges and punishments though not sexually transmitted diseases by an L.A. judge who reviewed her community service logs from the past couple of weeks and declared her debt to society paid in full. The judge profusely thanked Lohan’s attorney for making sure the community service bit got finished, merited since at least half the hours were performed by her attorney in a Lohan wig. This ends an era of eight straight years of probation for Lohan for her various crimes and misdemeanors. Lohan’s cruel path should serve as a reminder to others considering a life of drinking and driving and drugs and body checking your mom away from your stash and casual sex partners that you too could face a ton of probation, or as black people call it, jail time. Everybody’s wondering what Lindsay will do next now that she is finally free to associate with known drug felons at all hours and locations without any supervision or check-ins. Bet embracing her sobriety and picking up her acting career if you like the long odds. Don’t worry, children, Helper Lindsay will be back by September to finish Go, Dog Go!

Photo credit: Getty Images

Toni Garrn Bikini Sandwich

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 12:24 PM

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Once you’ve been repeatedly penetrated by DiCaprio there’s an air of invincibility around you akin to those who’ve seen brutal combat. You’re in a special club with limited members, not super limited, but you know, in the scheme of the total female population of the world, it’s still tiny. You form instant bonds with others who have gone through the same. You can spot an imposter trying to trade up a Luxor suite night with David Spade in ’03 into a weekend riding DiCaprio’s cock on a yacht off San Remo. It’s not something you necessarily asked for or something you’re consciously proud of, but it happened and you wield the power of survivors. I’m pretty sure you also get twenty percent off at participating Denny’s restaurants. Hellcats!

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Women of Hollywood Can’t Catch a Break

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 11:36 AM

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It’s hard to imagine a more self-evidently pointless task than asking a group of successful women in Hollywood how Hollywood denies success to women. But it’s now the daily sport of magazines and trade papers who have editors demanding horrible sexism in Hollywood stories because that’s their agenda. We used to say, because that’s their job, but, you know, times change.

In the big Hollywood Reporter piece on how tough the industry is on female comedic actresses, a bunch of the funny ladies gripe about how the business is so heavily looks based and superficial, without mention to that fact they are all superficially good looking and working sixteen jobs. Dunham is the home on prom night outlier, but don’t think she too doesn’t suffer fools:

I heard a guy on my show say into his microphone: ‘I hate this job. I can’t wait to be back on a show where there’s a man at the helm.’ Later, that same guy came up to me at lunch and said, ‘You’re really enjoying that buffet, aren’t you?’ He’s the worst person alive. I hope he reads this, which he won’t because he’s drunk.

Dunham declined to name the guy because she’s classy, or she’s just making shit up again as she has routinely in the past to support her arguments. This article complements the recent interview with Maggie Gyllenhaal about how she was informed she was too old to play the love interest of a male character in his 50′s.

There are things that are really disappointing about being an actress in Hollywood that surprise me all the time. I’m 37, and I was told recently I was too old to play the lover of a man who was 55. It was astonishing to me. It made me feel bad, and then it made me feel angry, and then it made me laugh.

That’s a whirlwind of emotions that I’d bet my life didn’t get past anger. Gyllenhaal also refused to mention any details, like the role, the producer, the director, the actors involved, or provide any context to the sexist charge because questioning this authenticity of this anecdote is in it itself sexist. I’m certain the sewing slaves assembling these ladies’ outfits are passing around the Hollywood Reporter and lamenting what $150,000 an episode of oppression must feel like. It’s okay to cry, Thiri Aung. Now back to the work bench in your diaper. Your fifteen seconds of me time is over.

Ice Cube Not Down With the Hebrews And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 28, 2015 @ 11:00 AM

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A guy named P. Taras claims that Ice Cube and his boys beat the crap out of him because he’s Jewish. Apparently, Taras bumped into Mr. Cube in the elevator of the MGM Detroit and that led to an anti-Semitic fueled beat down. Ice Cube says he’s down with the Hebrews and it’s all bullshit. Taras is suing for 2 million Are We There Yet dollars.

Read the tale of the jewish guy and the rapper. (TMZ)

Courtney Stodden’s mom quits as his manager after learning that her daughter is a whore. (The Superficial)

The time the Internet fat shamed Daenerys Targaryen. (Dlisted)

Samantha Hoopes in a bikini is a good thing. (COED)

Justin Bieber having a Nerf fight with his girlfriend Kevin Durant. (Busted Coverage)

Amanda Seyfried topless in a play is why I love the theater. (Drunken Stepfather)

Irina Shayk’s cleavage will make your head explode. (Popoholic)

Lindsey Pelas Jungle Girl (VIDEO)

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

I’m not sure what the Standard Industrial Classification Code is for okay looking chicks with big hooters but there are more Americans employed in this sector than industrial manufacturing. Some day the Chinese will figure out how to make blond girls with big fake tits and that may change, but it’s 2015 and we still dominate this niche. We’ve seen Lindsey Pelas bounce her tubes while jogging before. In this thoughtful followup, she’s portraying jungle girl, the comic book character Aquaman will transform into once he becomes fully gender aware. If she loved her country, she’d remove her top. There’s no room for demure in the jungle.

Photo credit: Mike Saffels