Toni Garrn Topless on a Boat

By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 3:20 PM

Toni Garrn Goes Topless On A Yacht In Ibiza
Leonardo DiCaprio is not a man with a ton of time to waste. If you discount clubbing, karate kicking, and deep musing, he’s a very busy guy who medically requires sex five times a day with somebody with a modeling card in Frankfurt and Milan. Clothes take time to remove. Fancy model clothes take even more time. Then there’s that whole bit about wrinkling them or how it’s impossible to get horse pee out of silk. Total bother even for the man with nothing but time. Leo has no time. It’s best you just wait for him on the boat with as little as you can wear without being arrested by Interpol. You know who liked to wear clothes? Bar Refaeli. Now she’s running homing beacons into Hamas apartments. Anything more than a thong bottom and you can swim back to shore. DiCaprio, out.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

The Ninja Turtles Did 9/11 And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 29, 2014 @ 2:01 PM

1uCHdMY

Michael Bay is in shitload of fake trouble after releasing a poster for the shitty looking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looks like they are falling from an exploding World Trade Center. In response, Michael Bay said, fuck you, my money’s guaranteed and so are my bitches. I’m paraphrasing.

Check out the Ninja Turtles falling to their deaths. (Gawker)

Vanessa Hudgens’ has an entire caravan of camel toe in her shorts. (Drunken Stepfather)

Beyonce is secretly looking for a new place in Manhattan. (Dlisted)

DMX screaming like a bitch on roller coaster is amazing. Grrrr. (Complex)

Zoe Saldana gets naked for Women’s Health or something. Who cares, tits! (Huffington Post)

Hillary Duff gets a bikini rubdown in her new video. (The Superficial)

Hannah Ferguson gets all wet and eats a burger all sexy like. (COED)

(Image Via Paramount)

The Houghs Seem Like The Fun Mormons

By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Julianne-Hough-In-Skimpy-Dance-Outfits-For-The-Final-Move-Live-Performance-In-Los-Angeles-lb2
Apparently, seeing Julianna Hough and Derek Hough dance in sequins is a thing as the brother and sister have been on tour this summer in cities where men are allowed to stare deep into their little sister’s vaginas without being arrested. The siblings have been dancing together since they were little kids when Julianne would force Derek try on her dresses by saying, ‘Hey, Derek’. It was all gender identity fun and games until the Mormon God cursed Julianne with discovering Ryan Seacrest trying on her negligee two decades later. Imagine that blood curdling scream. If you’re hoping to see the Hough’s show, you’re shit out of luck. The run just ended. But for the same price I know a guy who will blow you while pretending he’s your sister and he’s worried your dad is going to walk in. I mean, I know of him.

Photo Credit: Splash

Sylvie van der Vaart in A Bikini

By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 8:56 AM

Sylvie van der Vaart In A Pink Bikini At The Beach In St Tropez
Syvlie van der Vaart seems like one of those women men create in comic books. She’s not even van der Vaart anymore. That was the name of her pro soccer husband Rafael van der Vaart who dumped her last year after her chemotherapy left her unable to produce more children. She seemed pretty understanding:

I knew for years how big his desire was to have children. I guess it’s good that Rafael is now getting the child that I couldn’t give him thanks to my cancer diagnosis.

That’s mighty understanding of a professional athlete’s desire to beget many children on various continents then battle in court over child support. But it gets worse. Or better. Her husband decided the best choice of new womb would be Sylvie’s best friend and the divorced wife of his teammate. Sabia Some Slut, or something like that. Syvlie was super cool to that as well:

I imagine when all the emotions die down that Rafael, Sabia and me will probably be able to get along perfectly normally.

Where did they make this woman? I have to believe she’s either a fembot programmed by the NFL Stepford Wives project or she really fucking hated her husband and couldn’t wait for him to go. Maybe she’s got her own dude on the side who can handle banging a 35-year old lingerie model who can’t get pregnant no matter the sweat between the sheets. That sounds horrible. If the feminists let her live, Sylvie’s going to make a great leader of the resistance.

Photo Credit: Splash

Music Protests R Kelly

By Matt July 29, 2014 @ 7:43 AM

Kelly

Two Ohio based bands have dropped out of The Fashion Meets Music Festival because one of the Festival headliners is underaged girl loving R Kelly. Saintseneca, a band as preachy as their new aged name, thought better than to share billing with Kelly:

“We feel it is an affront to all survivors, who are already often overlooked and forgotten in our society.”

Pop musicians aren’t usually considered super bright, but apparently Saintseneca are the only ones reading the paper rather than getting their news of the world from celebrity Twitter feeds. Kelly has avoided industry backlash while documented cases of his aversion to pubic hair pile up like the stash of candy he passes out to chicks in the Target girls section. Boycotts are a slippery slope. Taking a stand against Kelly’s pederasty could lead one to boycott the entire Fashion Meets Music Festival, since the fashion industry is largely comprised of Russian waifs sold into slavery by their stepdads in exchange for charcoal and cigarettes. You might have to cancel this entire tour. The blindsided kids will probably turn to drug experimentation and non-premium cable. Still, I’d rather say I spent the summer getting high and watching Cartoon Network than watching R. Kelly clean his dick on my 8th grade yearbook.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Gwen Stefani Bravely Nurses

By Matt July 29, 2014 @ 7:17 AM

Stefani

Gwen Stefani has joined the chorus of modes and celebrities taking a stand for public breastfeeding by traveling to their European vacation homes and nursing under the sun. In staunch opposition to the breastfeeding hotties is one guy in Idaho who writes letters to the editor from his electricity-free cabin. Most of the obese puritans who otherwise gently critique public breastfeeding just want it to be done tastefully and not squirted in the face of passing voyeurs. Put another way, rocking a camel toe is completely legal but if you jump on the lunch counter and pick up your utensils with your vagina cleft, people will think you’re grandstanding. There is a simple happy middle ground in the public breastfeeding debate. But middle grounds don’t make for Instagram photos tagged with a couple thousand ‘You go, girls!’.  Social media is like a mirror reflecting our stupidity.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Freddie Prinze Jr Angry At Life

By Matt July 29, 2014 @ 6:37 AM

Prinze

Freddie Prinze Jr talked a ton of shit about Kiefer Sutherland at Comic Con because the only other way to make headlines is vehicular homicide. Prinze apparently did not enjoy working with Kiefer on 24, and has since bombed every subsequent audition in a form of silent protest.

“[Sutherland was the] Most unprofessional dude in the world… I did 24 and it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped.”

Daniel Day-Lewis takes a hiatus between Oscar performance. When other actors just sort of stop it means nobody wants to hire them. Prinze continued channeling his post child actor loser status through Sutherland:

“I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall.”

Actually you went on WWE because that is the prototypical next step from child actor to fringe pornographer to heroin junky. Prinze should really try projecting his anger with some results. He should stage his own death and write a whiny suicide note blaming Kiefer Sutherland, who will be far too shit faced to notice or care. Think of yourself as a producer hiring yourself for the best part ever. The guy who goes away for good. You can do this, Freddie. Sarah Michele will find better.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

The Gathering Of The Juggalos Isn’t Pretty (VIDEO)

By Matt July 29, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

This guy’s name is Big LA and he was apparently more interesting than any of the meth rap at this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos. Big LA is part of a general crew of unsavory people headed up by Mike Busey who live together in a communal Orlando area compound called the Sausage Castle. Mike Busey is the nephew of Gary and runs a professional party business. This means he will bring local strippers with canker sores on their privates to your house for a nominal fee along with a bunch of guys like Big LA who will soil your couch with something worse than Ebola. His website advertises how he can help you do a bunch of shit with super famous celebrities and hookers, minus the super famous celebrities, and you pay for the hookers:

“WANNA TRAVEL TO LA, MIAMI, VEGAS with MIKE BUSEY? WANNA BLOW SOMETHING UP OR SHOOT SOME SERIOUS WEAPONS? THE APPEARANCE OF A CELEBRITY FRIEND OF MIKE BUSEY’s SKATE BOARD SESSION W/ WEEMAN? GO ON A DANGEROUS VOAYGE WITH MANNY PUIG? GET A KICK ASS TATTOO? SKY DIVE W/SEXY NAKED STRIPPERS? DIEING OF CANCER & NEVER BEEN TO WALT DISNEY WORLD? WANT GET COVERED IN COCO AND SPANKED WITH SUMMER SAUSAGES? IT DON’T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT OR CAN DREAM OF: If you got the money, Mike Busey will make it happen!”

The Sausage Castle crew set up a makeshift strip club at the Gathering where they were paid in meal tickets for every successful fisting where the EMTs didn’t need to be summoned. It takes a certain type of individual to want to take part in super cretinous behavior, and yet a complete other kind to want to do it in front of an audience. Say what you will about pedophiles, when out in public spaces they are the most upstanding teachers, priests, and water park attendants around. The Juggalos could learn a little something from their child predator cousins.