Sometimes It’s Hard to Kill a Woman

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 1:24 PM

Jodi-Arias-Modeling-Photo

Arizona is still trying to get the death penalty for Jodi Arias over six years after she shot, stabbed, and carved up her boyfriend because she got lost a little in her crazy girlfriend role. Arizona has always struck me as a place where they move pretty quickly on shit that needs getting done. The O.K. Corral, stealing old people from Floriday, the University of Phoenix passing out college degrees in less time than it used to take to download a Cindy Margolis jpeg on a 14.4 modem.  But they just can’t seem to bring themselves to agree on the death penalty for this convicted murderer.

If you give defense attorneys enough time, they will bring the fucking kitchen sink into the defense of their client. Especially in a death penalty sentencing phase because the thought of murdering murders is abhorrent to many.

Jodi Arias [now claims] that ex-lover Travis Alexander wrote letters to her apologizing for an alleged incident in which she said she caught him masturbating while looking at pictures of young boys.

It’s sort of unclear how even if true that goes to mitigating her butchering him to death in the shower. Was she defending the integrity of America’s youth from being virtually spunked? Did he force her to call herself Billy and dress in Little League uniforms during sex play? I’m not a death penalty proponent but I’m so tired of this chick I might grab some Good and Plenty’s and go watch if there’s tickets.

It’s hard for many people to order the execution of a woman, especially when she’s dressed like their mom. This is especially true of men. Most women would order the slow painful execution of a chick for not returning a scarf or making eyes at their man. Men are inherently inferior at dealing with the dirty jobs in life. It’s probably because they’ve never experienced child birth. Also, because they imagine if they spare Jodi Arias her life they might somehow get to fuck her during conjugal visits and see for themselves just how crazy she gets in the sack.

Kim Kardashian Assplay Cinema

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Kim-Kardashian-Wears-Jean-Shorts-While-Going-To-A-Movie-In-Calabasas-LB2
Sometimes you just want to take your best gal to a weekend matinee. Maybe grandma. Or the nieces and nephews. You don’t want to have to explain to a bunch of high fructose corn syrup jacked up grade schoolers where Kim Kardashian ass babies come from. Do you need to go backless at the mall theater? This isn’t the seventh grade pool party where you’re showing off your newly growing girl body. You’re inflated to maximum capacity. You’ve got to wrap that dramatically warped flesh frame in some kind of prairie frock before boys at the mall start experiencing the overwhelming desire to slap their girlfriend on the ass and start calling her bitch.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Nina Dobrev In A Bikini

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 11:33 AM

Nina Dobrev In A Bikini In Recent Episode Of Vampire Diaries
89% of television is now softcore gay vampire fare. I think this is what Jerry Falwell was forecasting would happen back in the 1970′s if Hollywood heathens were allowed to start making television shows without his supervision. In defense of the immortal content crap are Anna Paquin’s bisexual tits and Nina Dobrev in a bikini. It’s hard to say if Nina Dobrev is a talented actress. It’s hard to even care. She is one good looking woman who shows up to work on time and doesn’t bitch about showing off her body. That makes her perfect for a short-lived career in the television or stripping industries. I could easily ditch my cable bill and purchase lap dances if she ever decides to switch things up professionally.

Photo Credit: Vampire Diaries

Iggy Azalea’s Ex Is Not So Good at Threats

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 10:39 AM

Iggy Azalea Wears Shorts While Singing At The University of Minnesota Homecoming
Nobody goes through life without at least one shit heel of an ex. It speaks to our stupidity as a species. Dung beetles know better than to mate because ‘they’re in love’. Humans insist on hooking up with whoever makes our genitals moist and pisses off our parents. That’s why the beetles will be here long after we’re gone. Jackass D-list rap producer Hefe Wine claims he and Iggy Azalea were legally married when she was a teen and he wants half her shit. He’s threatening to tell the whole world she gave him an STD if she doesn’t pay him cash money out of court. I’m not sure Hefe understands how blackmail works, but maybe on the next one.

It’s not within my emotional skill set to feel sorry for albino aborigines who inject rendered baby lamb fat into their ass to look more stereotypically black. That seems disrespectful to somebody, to the baby lambs at least. If this Hefe Wine character got pancaked by a steam roller, the world would be a marginally better place. If hip hop went away, it would be a much better place. But we’re going to need a much bigger steam roller.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Nicole Richie Seems Composed

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 10:13 AM

Nicole Richie Looks Cleavy At Her Debut Of House of Harlow 1960 Jewelry Line At Bloomingdales
Nicole Richie celebrated the replacement of her last natural body part over the weekend with a fancy no-food party at Bloomingdales. It saddens me that women ever feel the need scalpel and inject and Scented Magic Marker themselves into unrecognizable collagen sculptures. Not the ugly ones obviously. You’re going to want to head to the Peruvian jungle clinic for that illegal face transplant. But Nicole Richie wasn’t a bad looking chick. Her dad Craigslist bartering her to Lionel Richie for three guitar picks and a bottle of Thunderbird probably stuck a permanent puncture wound in her esteem. But you need to learn to fill those cracks with narcotics and booze and other things that leave your system far sooner than the elemental chart nonmetals that have a half life of ten Cleveland Browns Super Bowls. Better dead than Versace.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Natalie Gal Figures Out America

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 9:18 AM

Natalie Gal Wears A Crop Top While Posing In Sexy Positions With Pumpkins
There’s a race every October to be the first woman to hold up two pumpkins at chest level so we can all pretend gourd tits is still fresh and funny. It’s the kind of thing that might be amusing between you and your girlfriend before sex in the way that everything your girlfriend does before sex you easily find amusing.

Natalie Gal is a Russian fashion model with a precise set of skills not related to improv. She could probably use a press rep to avoid similar situations at future American holidays. Like shoving the cornucopia in her gooey and declaring the Thanksgiving baby is on its way. You want to make a good impression on your new country. Until you marry a wealthy athlete, then you can plow your Mercedes drunk through the Pumpkin Patch and blame your cheating American husband.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Juiced Up David Beckham Ditches His Three Year Old

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

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There’s a good reason why David Beckham left his preschool age daughter alone in the car over the weekend. Juice. Pressed organic juice. Just a quickie. One more for the road. It’s been so long. Daddy needs his fix. Try not to be kidnapped. I’ll leave the window down so you can scream.

People obsessed with flushing out their rectal toxins before, after, and occasionally during Soul Cycle classes are wreaking video poker addict level social havoc. I don’t care how much she ruins the jaunty juicing line amateur nutritionist chatter  you can’t leave a three year old alone in a car while you wait for your fix. Victoria Beckham likely will respond to this revelation with a not amused frozen smile. It’s her angry face, happy face, sex face, and just saw a ghost face. Looks like somebody’s going to be using their mistress’ toilet tonight to extrude that raw kale and chard fiber goodness.

I try not to show pictures of celebrity kids because it means Dax Sheppard and Kristen Bell having vegan sex outside my door in protest. If I can save just one celebrity kid’s life, I can abide watching Shepard massage his own prostate long after Kristen Bell has gone home to water the sprouts.

Stephen Collins Gets Off

By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:27 AM

Stephen Collins on 7th Heaven

Stephen Collins will not be charged with child molestation, even though he admitted to various lewd and German businessmen type acts with young neighbor girls back in the day. The statute of limitations has expired on the crimes he confessed to committing. Maybe he knew that when he made his confession. You don’t get to be a working pedo into your 60′s without being a little savvy. The police are searching for more recent victims as sex offenders tend not to stick to their New Year’s Resolutions of no more dangling my dick in front of middle schoolers this year.

In an effort to sway the public opinion of maybe three guys in the world, Collins’ attorneys are claiming his ex-wife ambushed him and recorded the criminal confessions to extort him for more dollars in their divorce settlement. Which is almost certainly true, but does little to deny the underlying sickly offenses. Sometimes, even when there is a conspiracy to fuck you up, that is still your jizz on the blue dress not belonging to your comely lesbian wife. If Collins had any shame, he’d write some unnecessarily long and self-serving apology letter then plant a pistol in his mouth and squeeze to seventh heaven. Come on Steve, don’t be a little girl about it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images