Pornhub Fails At Science

By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 9:23 AM

Porn

Pornhub recently studied all that data they promise you they’re not tracking and determined women really love watching guys sucking dick. Pornhub threw together some pseudo scientific jargon to explain their study and slapped a poorly constructed conclusion on it which anyone with a dick or pussy knows is retarded:

“By segmenting by gender within our analytics tools, we were able to generate anonymized data that brings us one step closer to answering the time old question: what do women want?… Well, apparently they want to watch a bunch of gay sex.”

Videos viewed by women showed that lesbian sex was their top bean flicking pick, with gay male sex being a strong second. However, when looking at the categories women actually searched, Gay Male was not in the top 25, landing it somewhere between Tan Line and Stitches. The scientists at Pornhub failed to pick up on the discrepancy. I once rented a brown bag porno called “Fantasy Island” and became a bit concerned when the first eight people shown were guys. I returned it to the Video Hut where they were more than understanding. It’s easy to get mixed up, particularly when you are a chick and porn is an occasional indulgence and not a way of life.

When you are browsing Lesbian porn these adult curation sites will routinely fill your next video suggestions with Gay Male porn. That’s why women are impulse or accidentally clicking these videos while never really searching for them. If they only used end to end viewing data they’d likely find women were far and away more into girl-girl action than guy-guy shtupping. I’ve had two girlfriends and a second cousin I used to make out with at weddings. I’m pretty sure I’m right about this. If Pornhub really wanted to get scientific, they’d find out what you were watching at the precise moment you ruined your shorts. That’s your God’s honest truth in porn preferences. Sorry in advance, farm animals.

Photo Credit: Pornhub 

Bake Me Some Gay Cakes!

By Lex October 02, 2014 @ 9:08 AM

Here’s an idea. If you’re big on literal Leviticus, maybe don’t run a cake shop in a Blue State. If you’re not so big on the gays, you might also want to nix your business plans for ballroom dancing lessons, cruise tours to the Bahamas, and sodomy made simple classes. Oregon is the latest state to crush a bakery business for refusing to make a blushing brides cakes for a gay wedding.  The state sued the shit out of Melissa Klein and her husband’s anti-lesbian wedding pastry shop and put it out of business, thereby denying straight people in Oregon who haven’t gotten married since the 70′s the right to wedding cakes as well. Melissa took to the Values Voter Summit to cry over her outlaw love of making the perfect cake for the perfect heterosexual bride.

The authoritarian hammer of the state is pretty disheartening for anybody who’s ever smoked a joint and lied about making it through an Ayn Rand novel. Liberty never gets so pragmatic as when people demand civil rights for themselves by crushing those of their neighbors. At the same time, if you happen to be in the pastry business, make some damn sweets for men who lie down with other men for fuck’s sake. Sweaty man lovers need tarts too. And the lesbos, fuck, they need their sugar. We’re past the point of arguing gay marriage at this point. At least Oregon is. There are plenty of places you can open up shop in this country and not have to see gays and rain every day if that’s your thing.

Donald Sterling Reunites With Whore

By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 6:28 AM

SS

Police were called to Donald Sterling’s house, presumably by Shelly Sterling who has an army of nosy yenta neighbors peering through their yellow tinged blinds. Shelly had received word that V. Stiviano was back on the grounds of Camp Geezer Fuck. Shelly despises Stiviano, not because she had a loving marriage broken asunder but because Stiviano her honey paws into the Sterling family till.

Nobody in this upscale neighborhood has actually had sex with their spouse since they made a pledge in college to stop being happy and focus on clothes and cocktail parties. The police came, saw a lot of things wrong but nothing criminal, and left Sterling and Stiviano alone to have a painstaking hour of manual copulation followed by an exchange of money and a search for answers. Shelly probably just wanted the cops to respond for documentation of her ongoing lawsuit against Stiviano who she claims is a professional gold digger. Donald Sterling was slightly put out by the cop call until he realized that meant another hour of the L.A.P.D. not preventing crime in the black community. That finally made him cum.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jeff Garlin Preferred Selena Young and Fresh

By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 6:15 AM

Gomez

Jeff Garlin protested too much while discussing Selena Gomez. He worked with her on The Wizards of Waverly Place when she was a teen and he played her uncle which makes this whole thing creepier:

“I worked with her for three years, and I love her. She is, at least in terms of what I saw, a great kid. But then I see her sexualized. I know she was in ‘Spring Breakers’ and all that. By the way, I saw ‘Spring Breakers,’ and I’m by myself in the theater, and I couldn’t have felt dirtier.”

Just watching a Harmony Korine flick in the theater by yourself qualifies as predatory behavior. He’s the straight John Waters. The entire idea of his movies is to jump out from behind the Dateline screen and yell, aha, you like underaged girls just like me! Garlin got worse in his quest to not admit he wants to bang indeterminately young ass:

“When I see her sexualized, I look at her and I look at Ariana Grande, both beautiful girls. Really beautiful girls. But they have baby fat. They look like kids… by the way when she’s thirty she’ll be ridiculous.”

They are both old enough to be college graduates. Its not weird to want to fuck them. Its weird to watch their movies. That’s how you can tell normal guys from fringe perverts. Any normal guy would bang Gomez for a few weeks. Perverts deny it and then go look up Japanese school girl tarantula insertions. That’s Garlin’s camp. Being fat and jolly gives you a ton of leeway on these matters. Imagine if Gilbert Gottfried said this shit. I’m not sure Garlin should be playing any more uncles.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Joanna Krupa Braless And Wise

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Joanna Krupa Looks Busty In Workout Gear In Hollywood
Joanna Krupa was the sole female celebrity who made the hacker list last month to say, fuck it, if it comes out it comes out. Everybody just needs to chill. It’s not like we all haven’t been naked in Playboy before or worked as professional ladies of the evening, you know, allegedly. Those comments kind of irked Kate Upton and others who weren’t smart enough to get Amex traveler’s cheques for sleeping with important men in town when coming up. I like Krupa’s progressive attitude. We live in an age where if you did something you’re not proud of, too fucking late. It’s coming out. Get ahead of that shit emotionally so you don’t need to cry victim for the ages when TMZ starts posting stuff they bought from your grade school counselor. They’re already haggling over price. Trust me.

Photo Credit: Splash

Lisa Opie in a Bikini

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 1:11 PM

Lisa Opie Wears A Bikini While Doing Yoga On The Beach
If you can’t pull off a decent upward bow, you can’t be my girlfriend. Fuck if I grimace when I try to touch my toes. If I can’t rest my chalupa party pack on your midsection for at least the first half of a Sunday NFC East showdown, I’m not going to meet your parents and pretend I have a real job. People who tell you successful relationships are based on love and affection might as well head straight from first date to contentious divorce. Relationships are based on give and take. What are you offering and what do I have to give you in return. I want a girl who can assume all the major porn positions. In return, she can drive my late model Toyota on the weekends. That’s how we’re going to make it fifty years, babe.

Photo Credit: Splash

Anne Hathaway Learns to Love Herself

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 12:29 PM

Anne-Hathaway-Poses-For-Elle-UK-lb
There comes a time in every truly obnoxious person’s life when they must accept the fact that only their opinion of themselves matters. It’s not easy completely dismissing the thoughts of the rest of the world and embracing the indisputable truth of your own ego. But if you are to be one super twatty annoying piehole, this is a must. Anne Hathaway tells the dig deeper journalists at Elle magazine that fame used to be a bitch because she cared too much about what people thought of her. Now she’s free from any concern over social judgement and so much happier for it:

I’ve realized that I don’t need validation from anybody. At all. I’m not sitting here now worrying, ‘What do you think of me?’ With all due respect, you seem like a lovely lady, but I don’t need you, or anyone else, to like me. And that’s so liberating.

Fuck yeah. Wallow in your own slather of wonderful me and shit bubbles of joy into the ether. Here’s the thing though, this plan never fucking works. Certain sociopaths and elementary school teachers can live a content existence not giving a damn what people think of them, but actors in Hollywood can only talk this talk. They feed off adoration. A tiger can’t change its stripes. And nobody likes a cunty tiger.

Photo Credit: Elle UK

Kendall Is Justin’s New Beard And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 01, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber seems to have moved on from not having sex with Selena Gomez to pretending to bone Kendall Jenner. The two have been seen cavorting around Paris together. Probably shopping and talking about boys.

Just come out of the closet already. (Popoholic)

Amazon put a racism warning on old Tom and Jerry cartoons. (Huffington Post)

Andrea Sportono in a see-through shirt is a very good thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jennifer Nicole Lee wears a bikini well ’cause she got big ol titties. (Hollywood Tuna)

Diddy thinks J-Lo’s ass is a work of art and Kim’s is aight. (The Superficial)

I totally want to fly Vietjet if their stewardesses look like that! (The Chive)

Oh, good you get to see Ben Affleck’s dick in Gone Girl. (Dlisted)