By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 11:30 AM
I admire photographers who take a great deal of time and effort into composing complicated productions. Water is the universal symbol of life and rebirth. Topless Swedish chicks in water are the universal symbol of uncomfortable erections. It’s all in the Farmer’s Almanac somewhere next to where it predicts rain on Hilary Clinton’s swearing in ceremony.
Photo Credit: Chadwick Tyler
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 10:55 AM
Sometimes, you see somebody getting out of a six-figure car and you think to yourself, I wonder how they got so big. There’s no need for questions with Kim Kardashian. I like that about her. That dwarf can be stationed any of of the possible 360 degrees of rotation and you can at least spot how she afforded the custom Rover. If her cracks could speak, you’d learn about the origins of the remainder of her fortune. It’s all right there. Like an eager graduate with a stack of resumes hitting the interviews in his dad’s suit. Only, Kim didn’t graduate, though she is likely wearing something from stepdad’s closet.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 10:34 AM
As Amy Pascal tried to hide in Manhattan, Sony announced it would not bow down to terrorists. When making a bold statement of resolve, it is important to first bend over and allow your opponent to fuck your repeatedly in the ass until they’re spent and tired and in need of a nap. That’s where true victory lies, the big score after the game has ended and the fans have all gone home, with the jizz of your enemy pooling in your bloodied bottom.
Sony got serious about releasing The Interview right after announcing it would not release the film. They hired famed attorney David Boies who helped Al Gore become not President in 2000 to lead the effort with bullshit statements and half-truths. Boies immediately clarified that Sony’s pulling of the film was merely a planned delay, sort of like when you ditch your girl at the altar to go on a sex tour of Thailand you’re merely delaying your nuptials. At $1400 an hour, he wasn’t finished:
I think that what we have to do is use the president’s recognition of the importance of this issue as a rallying cry, so that all Americans can unite against what is really a threat to our national security.
Right there’s your Braveheart, bitch. You could almost see the streams of supporters following Obama’s limp dicked speech about getting back at North Korea like he was Rocky stretching the limits of his lungs up the Philadelphia Museum of Art stairs. The Interview isn’t just a film going to pay-per-view, it’s a film you have to rent if you love your mother and America. Sony had this figured out all along. They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 9:26 AM
Antonio Banderas smiles these days very much like a man who ditched his old lady for a girl whose nipples still point ceiling-ward when she steps out of the shower. That’s not a metaphor so much as actually what happened. The celebrity magazines keep mentioning how Antonio looks in love, how this is some super smart Dutch banker he’s dating, and how they seem to be naturally aligned soul mates. But if we’re being honest we can just talk about the sheer dick joy of banging a chick half your age. Out with the old, in with the new. When did that start being a bad thing?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 9:07 AM
This French model is like 8’2″ so naturally they had her climb the rocks in Miami like she was the world’s tallest Cuban defector, which she would’ve had at 5’7″, but why not go big when you’re paying for talent. With normalized relations with Cuba, we’ve probably seen the last of eighteen Communism success stories packed in a modified ’58 Oldsmobile rafts floating on the trade winds for South Florida. At least Sean Penn won’t have to pretend those half-dead immigrants are coming to American to sing the praises of the Cuban universal healthcare system. That was always awkward. Not quite as awkward as a giant flashing her diaper on the beach in Miami, but very very close.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 8:15 AM
Lea Michele posts an awful lot of photos of herself doing yoga. Michele sees the ancient eastern practice as a way to clear one’s head and achieve inner enlightenment. At which point you definitely need to show everyone in the world how great your abs look. Your spiritual quest is usually complete at the very point you’re most fuckable. It’s because spirituality is all relative. If everyone felt great all the time we’d just start nitpicking more. Hey bitch, my chakras are in line and your roots are showing. It’s the chicks who need to lose five pounds who may never find themselves spiritually. Because they’re kind of pissed about chicks like yourself.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 7:45 AM
A greasy eyed Stephen Collins pulled out Jesus, tears, and the friendly grandpa for his attempted rehabilitation interview with Katie Couric. As a capper, Collins mentioned how an older woman he knew well exposed herself to him repeatedly between the ages of ten and fifteen. He offered this as a partial motivation for him flashing his dick to young girls, even though it’s way different. First of all, one’s a dick and your name is Stephen:
“I did have someone in my life when I was between the ages of about 10 and 15, an older woman, who repeatedly exposed herself to me. And I think that distorted my perception in such a way that some part of me thought … I got the equation of, ‘Well, this isn’t so terrible. This person who I trust is doing it.’”
Pretty sure the prepubescents you tried to fuck with didn’t high five their buddies or jerk off to the experience until their first mortgage. If you’re fifteen and any chick of reproductive age is showing you her junk you thank God and move on.
This is one of those double standards we can all agree on. On top of being a fucking pedo creep you may have thrown this charitable woman under the bus. Leave her out of it. There are ninth graders walking around in cheap husky jeans right now with raging hard ons who don’t have a chance. Last thing they need is the batty neighbor lady with the good pot making CNN’s news cycle. Good work, Stephen Collins, you just raped the rest of us.
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 7:19 AM
The miserably failed rapper known as SB Stunts better known as Safree Samuels better known as Nicki Minaj’s ex has been telling his friends he is suicidal over their break up. This is according to TMZ who that shitty friend of yours probably works for. At least he’d drop a dime on you for free Subway for life. Samuels and Minaj had been in a relationship for 12 years, meaning there’s a decent chance she was hot and still looked like human person when they met. Those who pursue a career in rap live by a different standard than your neighbors with the nice lattice. One doesn’t support the other financially working a catering gig while the other is out sucking record producer’s dicks in the bathroom at the same party. Or maybe that’s what happened.
It’s difficult to know if Samuels is suicidal over breaking up with Minaj or if he just saw her as a last vestige to garnering a record contract. She clearly has a lot of power in the recording business. At least until she’s obsolete next spring or when a cock is implanted in her mouth. This is the sweet spot where she figured she’d cash in since you never will. Keep your head up, Samuels. I guarantee your rebound sex will be better than Minaj constantly bitching about you damaging her framework of implants. On the rap thing you’re probably fucked.