The ‘hey, look who’s here tonight’ guest singers list at Taylor Swift events has picked up to about thirty per evening. It’s been stale since Bruce Springsteen pulled Courteney Cox up on stage in the 80′s pretending she was plucked out of the crowd. Taylor Swift’s latest show featured duets with Selena Gomez, the both of them dressed in your grandpa’s vintage underwear lest you get a PG-rated boner, Lisa Kudrow singing Smelly Cat, Barbara Streissand crooning The Way We Were through a mic in her vagina, and the corpse of Liberace telling Taylor Swift she doesn’t need a man to be happy. And lots of strutting. The audience is filled with screaming young girls and their dads wondering if for $300 they’re going to get anything measurably decent for their spank bank. It’s a circus of tears and lip-synched shame that brings in half a million a night. Okay, the boots are nice. Deposit.
Rosie O’Donnell spent the final weeks before her adopted daughter Chelsea turned eighteen hunting her down for daring to leave Castle O’Donnell in the quest of man cock. O’Donnell returned her daughter to the highest tower and resumed drugging her under the guise of her mental illness called lust. Chelsea turned eighteen this week and on the very same day had her bio mom pick her up and drive her a thousand miles away from Rosie pronto. This is the same bio mom who claims she was drugged out of her mind and her husband sold her baby without her permission to O’Donnell back in the day. Not exactly the mom of the year, but when it’s a choice between hitting up Wendy’s and motels on a road trip with this addict and sticking around to see what prescription meds Rosie has for you next, you hop right into the ’03 Corolla and start catching up with the woman who birthed you.
I’d call this story one of triumph over crazy. Rosie O’Donnell announced she’s cutting Chelsea off from all funds because that’s all she has left to say. Your kids don’t ditch you the day they legally can because you’re awesome. Rosie has only 87 adopted spawn left to work over in the hopes of finding the pure soul to take her candy factory when she retires. Not a factory so much as a big basement storage room filled with Baby Ruth’s and Snickers.
If a grown man spends fifty bucks for a blowjob, he gets arrested. If he spends a hundred thousand dollars on disfiguring plastic surgery, he gets a reality show. Tobias Strebel’s circle of friends watched grinning as he turned himself into mentally disturbed imitation of the world’s most disliked teen lesbian singer. That’s so Tobias. Now he’s 35 and found dead with drugs in a Valley motel room. The police are claiming his runaway binge may have been triggered by the breakup with his boyfriend. Nobody is suggesting that he was in massive need of a rubber room rather than a TLC and E! contract and doctors looking the other way for cash payments. At some point we made boxers wear gloves so they could live a few years past their last fight. We pretend to be humane to our freaks and gladiators. Nobody pretended with Tobias Strebel. Meh, my heart is too big for this world.
Josh Duggar, who molested his sisters and then did some really bad things like watch adult pornography, has checked himself into a “long term treatment center” where they will issue him a new passport and send him to rural Spain as a missionary. Shuffling around the problem people is classic operating procedure. It’s unclear if this is the same treatment center he visited after molesting family members in which they told him to say three Hail Marys and go clean the girl’s locker room. How do they treat you for watching porn and cheating on your wife with sketchy porn chicks? It’s called a divorce and a better haircut. See you in Vegas. You’ve brought dishonor to your family and disgraced your name. Now grow a goatee and learn karate.
Nick Cannon posted an Instagram shot of his shoe closet in response to Chris Brown having shown off his super interesting closet weeks prior. This is like an old fashioned duel, if the guys were pansies more into fashion than pistols. Dudes used to care about whiskey and pussy. Now it’s lining up shoes like you’re one of those dull kids who obsesses over his toys and nobody wants to play with. Sounds like an apt description.
“@chrisbrownofficial I got stairs and ladders too! LOL! #LACloset BTW my people I’m NOT showing off or bragging by any means, but I have to show young @chrisbrownofficial a lil Sumpn’ real quick.”
When Chris Brown is 37 and laying on his death bed, he’ll probably realize there’s a lot more to life than procuring shoes and bragging about your shoes. For Cannon this is most likely a phase and part of his hinting at finally coming out of the closet, where he ironically spends so much time. Take your Mariah settlement money and become a woman. Better selection in footwear.
Chelsea Handler posted this photo while holding what appears to be an apple over several of her ingrown hairs. I don’t see the connection. Namely because apples are delicious. She captioned the photo with:
“Look at my hair. Something must have happened while I slumbered.”
Yeah it appears you got kind of old. Stick to the classic circadian rhythm, going several years at once is bad for you. This could possibly be Handler just trying to be weird like how Miley Cyrus and all the kids are doing. The result is, you need to see somebody. Namely your agent, this smart phone thing wasn’t such a good idea. Please don’t put that apple back in the fridge.
Danica Dillon and her poorly made up stripper name claims she had paid sex with Josh Duggar after he came into her Philly strip club and started tossing big dollars around and claimed he was a huge online fan of hers:
“He walked into the Gold Club like a normal patron and said he’d been a fan for a long time and has watched my career grow — he even said from before my boob job until recently — and that he loved watching my very first scene on [an adult website]. Then it got creepy.”
By creepy she means he paid her ‘thousands of dollars’ to go back to his hotel room where she claims he got super rough with her during sex. So rough in fact, that she only met him one more time to do the exact same thing for more thousands of dollars. According to InTouch Weekly, Dillon passed a polygraph regarding her sexual encounters with Duggar. Why they needed to polygraph her remains a mystery. She’s copping to a crime. And Duggar already admitted he fucked around when his wife was pregnant, including his AshleyMadison account and online porn and meeting women. God and his wife forgave him already. Like they did for molesting his little sisters and the babysitter. Your beef seems pretty minor.
There’s no excuse for men to be violent with women in bed. But if there was an excuse, it would be paying them tons of money and telling them just so you know, I like it rough. There’s also no excuse for being a hooker who sells her johns names to the press. That’s a clear violation of sex worker code. Everybody looks bad in this Duggar case. Most of all, the wife and God. Way too forgiving.
When I was in high school feminism had a voice in the screechy pissed off songs of Alanis Morissette. When Alanis joined Taylor Swift of all people on stage to sing “You Oughta Know” I think she’s pretty much given up. We won, guys.