Adam Levine’s Wife Is Still Alive

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

Behati Prinsloo Models Bikinis For 2014 Victoria's Secret
Ten days seems like a long time to be married to Adam Levine. You’ve got to be cursing the damn environmentally sound sun oven in your designer kitchen which will only bake your head slowly on cloudless days. Women don’t like messy exits. Poison, suffocation, watching The View until your medulla oblongata melts. Now that women’s magazines can no longer speculate about the dating or the marriage, they’ve turned their attention to asking Prinsloo about making babies. Blessed to be born naturally dumb, the Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t require the services of a public relations agent to empty up her responses:

I have no expectations. Not in a bad way, but I’ve learned that you can’t plan ahead. I live day by day and see what happens. It’s vague, but I like it that way.

It’s that vagabond throw caution to the wind mentality that led Prinsloo to marry People magazine’s sexiest sex pot man alive who also happens to be worth about $50 million. That was pretty randomly day by day fortunate. I give them another ten days, unless she does get pregnant, then twenty.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Zoe Saldana Promotes Movies Well

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 2:37 PM

Zoe Saldana Nude And Covered For The 2014 September Issue Of Women's Health
Chris Pratt had to run around to tons of late night talk shows doing staged jokes to promote Guardians of the Galaxy. They told Zoe Saldana she could just take her clothes off for a woman’s magazine. That’s pretty fucking sexist. Yet I know I don’t need to hear her talk or see Chris Pratt naked. Maybe it’s time to change the way we look at sexism.

Photo Credit: Women’s Health

Starving Kids Enjoying Healthy Michelle Obama Lunches More and More

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

Michelle-Obama-with-Sesame-Street-Puppets-Pushing-Nutrition
All that hubbub about how school kids across the country were spitting out Michelle Obama’s soy milk curried couscous into the trash can and skipping the new cheap healthy cafeteria meals altogether can be put to rest. Quite coincidentally, a public university in Obama’s hometown of Chicago did a vaguely scientific study where some small number of cafeteria ladies voluntarily responded to a survey declaring that kids were 70-percent more accepting of the nasty wilted sprout lunches than last year. Naturally, they only surveyed the poor and malnourished free lunch kids who surprisingly discovered they liked the healthy food options more and more with every passing meal skipped. In a related study, kids with Kwashiorkor bellies in Somalian refugee camps love of raw corn meal and maggots is up 100%!. It’s amazing how missing a few meals will shake a kid back to the right path. Success, Michelle.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ali Larter Doesn’t Need Stupid Bras

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 12:48 PM

Ali Larter Goes Braless In A Low Cut Top In Beverly Hills
It’s amazing how a few seconds seeing a girls tits covered in whipped cream can affect a boy for an entire lifetime. I could stare at Ali Larter’s tits all day long without another thought crossing my mind save for the thought of other women’s boobs. You can’t block out one pair with another. There’s a math equation that explains that. I wish they had an Amazon local coupon to see them bare. So much better than half-priced Thai food.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Nobody Likes Allison Williams and Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 31, 2014 @ 12:16 PM

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NBC announced that extremely modestly talented Allison Williams would be playing Peter Pan in a musical version of the classic children’s tale. Much of the Internet delayed their salad selfies for a moment to trash Brian Williams’ daughter while a small minority masturbated feverishly thinking of Peter Pan with tits. That is kind of hot.

Read all about Allison Williams raping your childhood. (Huffington Post)

Miranda Kerr almost tit-baring for 7 For All Mankind jeans. (Drunken Stepfather)

Leah Wright’s bikini pics make me want to go to Essex…wherever the fuck that is. (Hollywood Tuna)

Gisele Bundchen wants to remind you that she’s hot in a bikini. (The Superficial)

Taylor Swift and her perfect jizz legs went for a walk in New York City. (Popoholic)

Charlize Theron warned to not marry human ass tumor Sean Penn. (Dlisted)

Hey, it’s 1996 again and Carmen Electra is pole dancing for Galore Magazine. (COED)

Courtney Stodden Finally Impresses

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 11:53 AM

Courtney-Stodden-Spars-With-Her-Personal-Trainer-In-Hollywood-lb
I’ve been accused of being a hard-hearted bastard. Mostly by family members, occasionally that label is even used in lawsuits. I’m sure there’s a Latin term that sounds more elegant. But I’m never above giving credit where it’s due. I’ve seen many fame whores with big tits in Hollywood in my time, but I’ve never seen one take flight before. This is either a trick of the camera or the metallic filaments Courtney Stodden installed in her tits for Christmas time flare were pulled into the Van Allen Radiation Belt. It could be that solar flare that almost didn’t destroy the earth. Consider me impressed.

Photo Credit: Coleman-Rayner

Chrissy Teigen And Her Tits Get Gaza

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 10:32 AM

Chrissy Teigen Goes Braless During A Photo Shoot In New York
A foreign conflict demands the immediate attention of celebrities who not only went to acting school, but also drink coffee with people who have read newspapers. Naturally, all the Euro celebrities in their millennium long anti-Semitic bubbles are demanding Gaza be set free, just as soon as they can find it on a map. They just know the Gazanians are being mistreated by doctors and accountants and record company executives running Israel and the media. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem penned an open letter demanding Israel stop its genocide. Then Penelope clarified her remarks when she remembered Woody Allen is the only guy who will hire her to play leads any more:

“I don’t want to be misunderstood on this important subject. I’m not an expert on the situation and I’m aware of the complexity of it.”

No need to apologize, Penelope. Even without a solid basis for understanding, leveling war crimes charges seems like a thoughtful opening gambit. Selena Gomez changed her Twitter headliner to ‘Pray for Gaza’, though her political expression may be more related to recently discovering she’s a lesbian than anything she learned in her first and final year of her elementary schooling. Madonna loves Israel but felt obliged to write something poetic about how the children of Gaza were like flowers in a vase. I suppose that sounds better than comparing them to human bombing decoys, which is more factually correct.

Chrissy Teigen, who is uniquely self-aware about the proper role of celebrities in relation to geo-political conflicts noted on her Twitter that the road to peace was the Jack in the Box drive-thru. It wasn’t particular hilarious, but it was the least annoying thing penned by an actor/singer/model in the past two weeks about Gaza.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Katy Perry Can Craft Babies Solo

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 9:47 AM

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Katy Perry put it out there. Be the right guy to stuff a baby inside of me or I will go baster. The precise spermatozoa cocktail Katy intends to bathe her eggs in remains unclear. She could have each of her former boyfriends jizz into the 500ml beaker and slam that mix home such that none will ever no who is the true birth father. Or she could go completely rogue and mount a homeless man with good bone structure.

I don’t need a dude. I mean, Neil [Patrick Harris] and David [Burtka], their twins are beautiful.

Good point. Although, those are actually two dudes, so not a great point.

It’s 2014! We are living in the future; we don’t need anything. I don’t think I’ll have to, but we’ll see. I’m not anti-men. I love men. But there is an option if someone doesn’t present himself.

As a child, I always dreamed of living in the future. That happened. But my future was flying cars and far more tactile realistic cyberporn. Hollywood women have been taking matters into their own hands for years now when it comes to purchasing or implanting babies so they can fulfill their maternal longings. You do need a pint-sized showpiece for all those Pixar premieres. Many people worry that women are abusing their new power to produce offspring with just their wombs and a decent credit card limit. That seems shortsighted. If a vanity baby with a stupid name prevents Katy Perry from writing just one more song, it’s a small price to pay.