It’s Thanksgiving, Who Wants Drunk Turkey?

By Lex November 26, 2015 @ 8:03 AM

For all the hyperbolized doomsaying, there’s a good chance you’ll be around next Thanksgiving. Maybe a few of us will be dead from ISIS. ISIL, when you want to pretend to care. I always expected mall attacks launched from the Chess King. I have young Muslim men in my Super Bowl of terrorism betting grid. I’m feeling confident. Global warming will kill precisely none of us. A person too old to drive will run some of us over. Brake, gas, gas, brake. It’s just a pedal. I served in Korea. AARP got my back. Use a condom if you intend to ass fuck. Two if it’s Charlie Sheen. I can’t stand the thought of losing you. That’s meant for the lone attractive woman who reads the site. If you have to wonder if it’s you, it’s not. Bernie Sanders stream of consciousness rape is still rape even if you did it through a whole in the sheet. The dead member of Kriss Kross carried that band. Happy Thanksgiving.

Holly Holm On Late Night

By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 12:31 PM

Holly Holm On Late Night With Seth Meyers
You’re not gay because you want to have sex with Holly Holm. You’re gay because you want her to peg you with her six inch clit while instructing you on how to help her fake her pee test. She’s ordering Muscle Milk on your Amazon account and already took your spot in the weekly poker game. Holly Holm doesn’t cry when she comes up empty on a flush draw. Your buddies like her better. Learn how to tie a proper sheepshank. The champ can’t risk injury to her fists tying you up.

Photo Credit: “Late Night With Seth Meyers”

Zayn Malik Is Really Fucking Pretty And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 25, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


One day, young models with perfect tits will be allowed to openly date men who like beer and action movies. That day is not today.

Gigi Hadid cavorting and or bearding with One Direction’s Zayn Malik. (TMZ)

Taylor Marie Hill looks mighty fine in a bikini. (Last Men On Earth)

Natasha Olenski and her tits deliver the news. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Jennifer Lopez looks hot in that red body stocking even though she’s like 70. (Drunken Stepfather)

I’ve never met a girl sports fan that looks like this. (The Chive)

Hailey Bladwin’s legs would look great wrapped around me. (Popoholic)

Sarah Jean Underboob brings the underboob. (The Superficial)

Abigail Ratchford Squeezes Her Own

By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 11:08 AM

Abigail Ratchford Humpday Delights zoo LB
Social media has created a bevy of girls contemporarily famous for sharing photos of themselves mostly naked. If you’re reading that as a criticism, you’re reading it wrong. Pamela Anderson had to win the tiny chick with implants lottery to punch her ticket to a Malibu mansion. There were a hundred chicks behind her whose names you’ll never know. The playing field is now completely even. You’re on a basic cable show that gets two million viewers? Fantastic. I’ve never even had a call back from casting and I’ve got six million followers on Instagram. An e-cigarette company is paying me more to smoke in photos than your SAG Tier 3 residuals. What star you were born under and who you’re willing to fuck that’s important no longer matters. This is the democratic liberation of the masses with big tits. Athens is weeping.

Photo Credit: Zoo Magazine

Miley Cyrus Nude Outtakes From Uncle Terry

By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 9:37 AM

Miley Cyrus Nude Outtakes For Candy Magazine
Terry Richardson and Miley Cyrus locked in a photo studio with nobody to say the word ‘gross’. Suck on this. Squat on that. Pretend you’re relocating a Syrian refugee into your twat. Why is Akram weeping? Two more hours until my mom picks me up. I think your cock just fixed my overbite.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson

Kelly Brook Upskirt At The Ivy

By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Kelly Brook Upskirt At The Ivy
You either get the arm pit rolls or the underwear flash. Both is just spoiled. I’m sorry you moved to Hollywood on a phone call and a promise from Ellen. You’re not the first woman. You won’t be the last. Let your big breasts and remarkably good British teeth provide you hope. Update your dating profile. Hiking is just another word for too fat to jog.

Photo Credit: Getty

Bernie Sanders Porn Is Titillating

By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 7:43 AM


Feminist groups are sweating like vegan marmalade since a Bernie Sanders stream of consciousness essay implying that women dig rape fantasy went viral. Sanders was just a kid at the time, or thirty-one if you’re counting for real. The embarrassing erotica lit was found in a dumpster and handed over to liberal bloggers by nobody knows who. Though if you bet the house on Hillary Clinton, you get to keep the house. She’s very thorough.

A man goes home and masturbates his typical fantasy. A woman on her knees, a woman tied up, a woman abused. A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.

You punch that up in a few places and you’ve got a decent letter to Penthouse. Or early manifesto lingo for the Vassar Underground. Feminists consider Bernie Sanders one of the few male heroes in Congress. He votes in complete alignment with their political agenda and can barely maintain a threatening erection. But anything rape culture is the bread and butter of feminist triggers. Expect an internal debate in feminist corridors. Ultimately, each woman, and George Clooney, will be asked to decide for themselves how to feel about Bernie Sanders sexual assault sex prose. Free will will be followed immediately by a central edict on precisely how to think. This is no time for democracy. Lena Dunham just clocked past 200 lb. and she’s the happy one. Code pink!

Ahmed Mohamed Suing For $15 Million, God Is Fucking Great

By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 12:23 PM

That rapscallion who got detained at a Texas high school for being the only dark skinned Muslim kid who happened to be bringing a homemade clock to school that day is now suing the school district. He wants his dignity back. Also, his C4. Gonna need that for prank jihad day.

Ahmed Mohamed didn’t really make the clock so much as fashion an old alarm clock into something in a metal case that would today cause evacuation of half of Paris if found on a bench near the Champs-Élysées. Times being as they are, every single politically correct U.S. elected official declared the troublemaking scamp a victim of Islamophobia. Right on up to President Obama who invited Mohamed to the White House to fuck his wife so she could see what a non-closeted Muslim cock felt like in the sack. That seems wrong. He’s only fourteen. I’m pretty sure it happened.

Mohamed and his family took off for Qatar shortly thereafter but left behind a team of attorneys to sue for fifteen large. Should we make the check out to you or just to cash. What’s easier for ISIS?

Photo credit: Getty Images