Kim Kardashian Making More Apps

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 9:47 AM

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Kim Kardashian is on the cover of AdWeek. Probably not related to AdWeek naming her whoring and shopping mobile game for tweens the hottest app of the year. Major media is more incestuous than the Duggars. You know dad is creating those new grandkids. The article allows Kim to pretend she played some important design role in her current game and the next twenty-seven games she’ll release because young girls are stupid and we no longer protect them from bad things.

Something that really worked in the game that was kind of an accident are the updates. For example, your character can go on vacation to Mexico, and that’s one of the places that I go all the time.

That’s just insane. The leading edge of the IQ bell curve spent 11 billion minutes last year pretending to be a virtual Kim Kardashian on their phones. That’s 11 billion minutes that could’ve been spent listening to Kesha or watching Nickelodeon or being the precocious girl who plays up a few grades at high school rainbow parties. In short, Kim Kardashian is providing a valuable service for just a few bucks with no real victims. Hmm, I bet there’s a name for that profession.

Photo Credit: Adweek/Instagram

Steve Simoff Is Up to No Good

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

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On the heels of the Detroit guy who walked 21 miles a day to a crappy paying job for no good reason, the media have sussed out an old guy in Iowa who walks 35 miles each way to get to his $9 an hour gig as an overnight janitor. According to newspaper accounts bolstered by his bandwagon Congressman, Steve Simoff walks a marathon plus eight miles to get to work five days a week to support his sick wife and unemployed adult grandson. It’s a great story, even if not mathematically possible. But let’s just say Simoff walks a long fucking way. He leaves home at 3:30 with his peanut butter sandwich to get to the Casino by 11:00pm for his night shift. He hitches here and there but still puts in a solid ten hours a day walking. In the snow. In winter.  Along the Interstate. He works eight, leaving him time to get home, flop down for a few hours and head back out on the road for that sweet sweeping gig he doesn’t want to lose. It’s tiring, but he has his dip and coffee.

Either Simoff is making up an excuse to spend days away from his sick wife and live-at-home pothead grandkid, or he’s one stupid fuck. This isn’t an unsung American hero, this is a dolt tearing through shoes every other month to spend 18 hours a day taking home 72 bucks before taxes. He’s effectively earning $4 an hour as the responsible head of household. You can’t find a way to get a $4 an hour gig closer to home? You don’t think the fast food joint at the end of the block wouldn’t pay a 61-year old white guy with tremendous lungs $8 to run the fryer? You show up five days straight and they’d probably name you manager. You could find babysitting gigs on your block that probably pay you twice your mopping job at the casino. Wait? Casino? I’d have my Congressional aides dig into this story a bit more before shaking this dude’s hand at the 4H.

Photo credit: DesMoines Register

Suge Knight Ailing

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

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Suge Knight told a judge he is going blind in prison because he doesn’t have access to proper medical care. He was taken to a hospital where he pocketed six scalpels and an elderly Jewish attorney from dialysis. Knight was previously hospitalized after having a panic attack, which is weird because the only treatment for a panic attack is to drink a bottle of Makers or not be in prison and neither of those things you can do while in prison. I might be naive but I think Knight is planning an escape. Get put into the AIDS ward and then make a run for it. Probably shouldn’t have shared the toothbrushes. Shit they’ve trained the rifles on me. Is this a good time to mention I suffer from fibromyalgia? Knight is most likely going to die in prison while suffering from heart palpitations. He always made all of us nervous. Now he’s doing it to himself.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

You Can Stop Feeling Bad About Yourself

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

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The most comprehensive study on dick size ever has found your average dude is packing 5.16 inches or a six adjacent as he’ll casually tell you. This is curious because according to this study only five percent of dudes have a hogan over six inches. Doctors measured a bunch of dicks from the pubic bone to the tip of the glans, which differs slightly from time tested method of starting at the back of the ball sack while looking through a telescope. They also found no correlation between rocking a huge piece and height, weight or foot size. That sucks for tall guys. Your best bet remains being a little fella so your dick looks huge in perspective. Justin Bieber’s dick is the size of a garden snail but in the right light makes ladies gasp. A tree looks bigger in a parking lot than it does in the forest. Worst comes to worst throw a McGriddle in your whiteys. We might be able to put this to rest now. There is still no cure for cancer.

Photo Credit: CalvinKlein.com

The Future Was Supposed To Be Better

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 7:08 AM

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We are now living in the future as referred to in the science fiction movies we watched as kids. I don’t have a flying car or a hover board or those five course meals that come in pill form. Everybody is fat which I certainly don’t remember about ‘the next millennium’. Someone invented a vibrator with a camera on the end so you can see graphic biological documentation of your lover’s insides. This should go over well in Japan, Germany, and a host of other countries who lost the war and are still really confused about their feelings. There’s a word for people who jerk off to the surgery channel. Dexter. I’ve been beating off fine all these years without the aid of endoscopic footage. Is that a book of matches? The Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator retails for $184.99 but you can save forty bucks if you buy a used one on Amazon. Keep that one in a locked drawer as someday it certainly be subpoenaed as DNA evidence. Nice work, Buffalo Bill.

Photo Credit: LoveHoney.com 

Conrad Hilton Cops A Plea

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 6:37 AM

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Conrad Hilton has plead guilty to one count of Simple Assault which carries a max of six months in prison or half an hour picking up discarded tabloids with your face on them if you have a decent lawyer. Hilton threw a tantrum on a plane and threatened to fight a bunch of male flight attendants because scuffling with lithesome gay men is how you make your bones. Then he smoked a joint in the bathroom. This ruffled some feathers because smoking on a plane is considered worse than taking over the helm and chanting Allahu Akbar while nosediving the aircraft. Hilton also bragged about being rich and getting people fired, which didn’t happen although he was handcuffed to his seat:

“I will fucking own anyone on this flight, they are fucking peasants. I could get you all fired in five minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before. Dad paid $300,000 last time.”

Hilton’s defense rested on blaming Ambien for his aberrant behavior, but several experts testified that Ambien makes you sleep walk, not be an insufferable asshole. Hilton will be arraigned on Thursday. Expect a stern lecture and a less stern punishment from a judge who will be spending his Arbor Day vacation at the Hilton Waikoloa Village having his feet massaged by Korean girls adept at hiding their tears.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Steve Francis Lost His Necklace

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 6:03 AM

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I can think of two reasons not to wear a giant gold chain. One, you’re a man. Men don’t wear jewelry because men don’t need to be pretty. Second, somebody’s going to rob you. Steve Francis, formerly a pain in the ass of the NBA, was at a rap show in Houston just getting sticky and some dude tried to jack his chain.

The giant gold rope didn’t break at first and turned into a makeshift hangman’s noose. While wearing a giant chain you never know when you’ll be the victim of an impromptu strangulation but you can be pretty sure you will look fucking stupid. The guy got away with the chain and hasn’t been caught even though he’s caught on camera. Perhaps law enforcement figures if you adorn yourself with a giant chunk of precious metal and step foot into a den of wasted welfare recipients you’ve got what’s coming to you. Francis didn’t even call the cops because they’ve got a dozen dead hookers stuffed into recycling bins down in Kirby and you were kind of asking for it. Let me show you the back page of the newspaper. This is the stock market. Invest in something you don’t wear or drive.

Photo Credit: TMZ/Youtube 

Curt Schilling Doesn’t Understand the Internet

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 1:35 PM

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According to people who wish things that aren’t true were true, Curt Schilling just made Twitter safe again for the good people. Last week, Schilling congratulated his daughter on Twitter for getting into Salve Regina college in Rhode Island which I believe involves being Catholic and quietly wishing transgendered people to Hades. Several lonely guys who don’t like Curt Schilling very much took turns Tweeting nasty horrid shit about his teen daughter because that’s how the Internet works. Schilling wrote a piece about it on his blog. He has a blog.

In between a fight with Kevin Millar, congratulating Juan Pierre on a wonderful career (just hated facing him) and praying Josh Hamilton gets right, I started to see this sort of tweet.

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And tweets with the word rape, bloody underwear and pretty much every other vulgar and defiling word you could likely fathom began to follow.

Schilling publicized the real identities of these false bravado Candy Crushers and got them fired from their jobs or suspended from their respective community colleges. Then he lamented how shitty people are today, which of course is completely false as people have always been shitty.

Here’s the real question — why the fuck are you congratulating your daughter on Twitter? You lost your big home in the last bankruptcy so I’m sure it’s not many steps to her bedroom to tell her in person.  If you want to be a dad with a social commentary blog and 7500 Tweets, just expect you’re making yourself and your family unnecessary targets. This isn’t your job or how you’re paying off your various settlements, this is your hobby and it’s getting creepy guys talking about your daughter’s bloody vagina. If you spoke to her in more than 140 characters, you might find she’d prefer you champion somebody else’s cause. Come back to us, Curt. Rhode Island has new money to lose again.

 Photo credit: Getty Images