Richard Lugner Marries Younger

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 11:23 AM

Cathy Schmitz Is Very Happy With  81 year old Billionaire Husband
There’s no ambitious escort taping racist comments by billionaires in Austria. They all say racist shit and everybody raises their glass in cheers. That’s why octogenarian billionaires can receive tit jobs from 20-something barbie dolls without fear of being extorted. Richard Lugner is the construction industry magnate who paid Kim Kardashian half a mill to be his date to the Viennese Ball last year. He griped when she brought E! TV cameras along and refused to let him finger her butthole while telling her stories about how Hitler and his dad were swimming pool safety buddies. Much easier to find a blonde German Playboy model and give her a ring and a personal services contract. It’s easy to mock an elderly dude who marries a young girl so his man-servant can maneuver his crinkled peen gently into her vagina. It’s less easy to admit, that’s exactly what I would fucking do if I was 82 and had a billion dollars.

Photo Credit: Getty/Instagram

Karlie Kloss Nip Slip in Versace

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 9:57 AM

Karlie Kloss Nip Slip On Versace Runway
Everybody in Paris was buzzing about Taylor Swift’s lesbian girlfriend’s nipple slip during the Versace show. I think. They speak that gobbledygook language. They might’ve been talking about what sparkling white pairs best with cock. The only excitement in a fashion show is when you see some tit. Everything else is just the white noise of rich people without enviable hobbies. All the designers know they’re frauds with their auto-tuned versions of whatever shit came out years before. The buyers know it, the models, the French waiters cupping their dirty ball sacks then rubbing their soiled fingers over the drinking glasses of the fascists. It’s a grand illusion. Which like any dream is only worth having when a chick is topless and she’s not your mother. I really wish I’d stop having that one.

Photo Credit: INF/Getty

Hayley Hasselhoff Not Fat Enough

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 9:19 AM

Hayley Hasselhoff Covered Topless
The world was better when skinny girls ridiculed fat girls. It was mean and cruel and often resulted in depression and suicide but it was simple and everybody knew the rules. Now the insecurity women feel about their bodies because men judge them harshly in women’s magazines run by women for women have run completely amok. You’ve got fat girls calling out skinny girls. Injected ostrich looking women calling out Anglican girls for lack of curves. Poor fucking Hayley Hasselhoff is getting shit for not being fat enough:

But it does seem like people will always want to criticize the fashion industry. They are upset when plus size models aren’t featured in campaigns, but then when they are, they’re upset because they aren’t plus size enough.

Hayley receives constant criticism from the fatties for only being a size 12. Far too fat to be a traditional model, not fat enough to become winded microwaving sausage biscuits at the 7-Eleven at three am. Everybody hates you when you’re half-in.

Photo Credit: Javier Oaks

Amanda Nicole Thomas in A Bikini

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 8:49 AM

Amanda Nicole Thomas Wears A Blue Bikini While Selling Water In Malibu
You may recognize this chick’s mons pubis from her voice work in Borderlands 2 as that other girl who says a couple things. Her turn came in the queue of attractive women marched onto the Malibu beach each morning to hold a bottled water and smile like her parents would soon be freed. If she photographs well, she’ll be given half a can of Ensure and directed to the back of the line for another rotation. If not, she’ll be filled with Jaeger and dropped off in a van in front of the Arizona State dorms like all the other girls there on a Sunday morning. Assembly lines continue to make this country the envy of the world.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kanye Watches Kim Kardashian Get Dressed

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

Kanye Watches Kim Kardashian Get Dressed
It’s not unusual for a husband to watch his wife get dressed. Unless it is. It probably is. Kanye has been infatuated with his wife even before they were together. He used to imagine Kim while pounding Amber Rose with his headphones on. That’s a special kind of bond that defies time and space and decency. Kim seems to enjoy the intense attention. She visited Entertainment Tonight to hawk some sort of shit and shared a snapshot of life with Kanye:

I mean, we do everything together from right as I was leaving here, like, ‘How do I look babe? How does my outfit look?’ And you know, he’s like ‘Eww, those shoes are bad, take those off, here, put these on, OK.

That’s darling. Or gay or crazy. We won’t know for certain until the murder-suicide note becomes public. Family and friends will comment in cutaways on the E! Special how there simply were no signs. And we will chuckle and mutter ‘Eww, those shoes’.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Greg Anthony Is Frugal

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 7:37 AM

GA

Details have emerged about married father of four and eager john Greg Anthony’s arrest at a Washington area DoubleTree. He responded to an ad on Backpage.com which was placed by an undercover officer keeping the world safe from the small percentage of men who like sex. The vice cop came up to his room and asked if he wanted sex for 80 dollars. Sensing she looked a little freshly showered for that price point he got nervous and said:

“Oh, I don’t wanna say all that.”

Later the undercover cop said “Do you want me to dress up?” and he said “Oh Yeah!” That’s all it took before a swarm of officers moved in hoping they’d catch a nipple this time on their hot associate. I don’t know hooker code, just when a deal is too good to be true. Given Anthony never expressed in certain terms what he wanted and coupled with this being obvious entrapment I’d say he’ll definitely walk. Not before his job situation and life are in shambles. If we can fuck up one guy’s livelihood we’ve done our job. Sure domestic violence, drugs, and fat shaming remain huge problems but this basketball analyst wants a hummer. Protect and Serve. Use an agency numb nuts.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

WNBA Gets Less Competitive

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Griner

It’s annoying how NBA players basically blow each other on the court before games these days and whisper about getting drinks later. What happened to the good old days when they race baited each other and went for paralyzing undercuts on the fast break? I’ve never watched a WNBA game out of self respect but two players on different teams who both play the post getting married can’t be good for competition. Brittney Griner of the Phoenix Mercury is currently engaged to Glory Johnson of the Tulsa Shock. This should mark the first time in the history of competitive sports when a married couple has to guard each other. Griner, at 6’8″, is one of the best players in the league and her fans brag with a straight face how she’s able to dunk. If you can’t dunk at 6’8″ you should be ground down to make gravy. Glory Johnson is also pretty good, so I might actually watch these two bump and grind on the block. Will they extend a hand to help each other up after a nasty elbow or just play it cool and pretend they aren’t married while their teammates awkwardly play along. Give her a smack on the bum. Chivalry isn’t dead. We’ll talk about it later.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Aaron Hernandez Jail Memorabilia Finally On eBay

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

AH

Someone is auctioning off a book Aaron Hernandez supposedly used to relay secret messages to his fellow inmates. This wasn’t a hard to decipher system involving ancient Peruvian hieroglyphs, Hernandez just hand wrote things in pen on the pages of the book. When he returned the book, another inmate would check it out. There was some suspicions as to why these illiterate assholes were suddenly checking out books and the scam was quickly nipped in the bud. The book is Bad Boy Brawley Brown, some ghetto pulp written by Walter Mosley about a guy who’s accused of murder and gets off. The seller remains anonymous but odds are high he’s a prison guard who will be losing his job soon. He’s never sold anything on eBay and joined on Monday. He’s asking $2,000 for the minimum bid, which includes shipping and your near certain identity theft. The contents of the messages remain shrouded in secrecy, but if it’s any indication of their depth just realize Hernandez closed one of the notes with his signature.

Photo Credit: eBay