Renee Zellweger Takes Her New Face for a Spin

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

Renee-Zellweger

I’m of the mindset that you earn the money, you buy whatever the fuck you want with it. Whatever makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anybody else. So, yes to mid-life Porsches, pointless water crafts, and hot German massage therapists. No to designer hypoallergenic dogs. Stop messing with nature, you deviant fucks. Renee Zellweger bought herself a new face and showed it off at some fashion magazine party last night. We could play the game and pretend its lighting or makeup or the ozone depletion effect from evil people who employ refrigerator technology to keep their milk from rotting, but it’s not. It’s a brand new face. It’s not the puffy Zellweger face we’ve come accustomed to seeing pudgy and tear streaked in movies made for people with weepy vaginas. I’d call it more the senior LPGA look with just a splash of Donatella. She’s probably got a few years left before scary mask face awakes with a permanent scowl. If I was Renee, I’d get my mating done sooner rather than later.

Colleen Shannon in a Bikini

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 11:59 AM

Colleen Shannon Wears Bikini For 138 Water In Malibu
It only makes sense that the nefarious bastards from 138 Water have switched to ex-cons to lull everybody and their reflexive dicks into a sense of calm before the invading storm. Playmate Colleen Shannon billed herself as the world’s hottest DJ before she got busted smuggling her smuggling boyfriend across the Canadian border and got sent to the clink. It’s in the women’s penitentiary where you quickly learn that you no longer want the world’s hottest anything moniker. That’ll get whispered in your ear during shower rapes in even greater volume than ‘Coach Sandusky wants to see your three point stance, Billy.’

Colleen paid her debt to society and unlike most ex-cons is immediately making a positive impact by showing off her tits in Malibu. On the contribution scale that’s somewhat better than revenge killing the grocery store clerk who fingered you to the cops and slightly less than what Nelson Mandela achieved after his release.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Oscar Pistorius Gets But A Few Months in the Hoosegow

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 11:03 AM

OP

Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years in prison for culpable homicide, which is South Africa’s version of, don’t blast your gun through closed doors in your house because you thought you heard something, asshole. He was acquitted of the actual intentional killing of his hot model girlfriend because everyone agreed that hot models are easier to replace in this world than legless Olympic gold medalists. Pistorious will be eligible for house arrest after just ten months of segregated special prison time assuming the mansion is big enough for his liking. He will also be eligible for parole after half his sentence, at which point he will become the first bionic line cook in South African history.

Pistorius showed no emotion during sentencing, kind of like a killer. This was in sharp contrast to the crocodile tears that dripped incessantly during the trial phase as he continued to regret not making up a black intruder to pin the shooting on originally. Pistorius’ lawyers were seeking a lighter sentence, but the judge had the gumption to recall that Pistorius admittedly shot the only other person in his house and apparently thought an intruder broke into his bathroom and screamed just like his girlfriend. South Africans judicially aligned with the dead girlfriend camp felt the sentence was too light based on celebrity justice grounds but if it’s any consolation, Pistorius will definitely have his swank blades stolen in the joint and have to shower with his head at dick level. Blast away, fellas.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Victoria’s Secret Models Sell Better Without Lingerie

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 10:39 AM

Nude Angels Abbey Lee Kershaw
As much as it will cost a small Asian village a week of textile wages, a few child starvations are the price of seeing a bunch of Victoria’s Secret models without their lingerie. Underwear is but a contrivance of a polite society. An artificial waste of time that I would insist only apply to the male population were I the handsomest President ever. Jesus weeps when nice tits are covered. I’m pretty sure that’s from Gospels.

These photos are from the Angels book by Russell James which features a bunch of the Victoria’s Secret models topless as well as Kendall Jenner rolled up in a naked ball just because that’s a good way to sell copies. Fuck, that’s a good way to sell anything. Yes, that is Kendall Jenner rolled up naked in the back of my ’97 Subaru Outback just like I wrote in my Craigslist ad. Now, how about you write me a fat $700 check and take them both.

Photo Credit: Russell James

Hilaria Baldwin Slowly Killing Alec Baldwin

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 9:45 AM

Hilaria Baldwin Does A Yoga Pose With A Banana In A Pumpkin Patch
The idea of hooking up with a yoga instructor half your age seems like a great idea until you come to in a pumpkin patch with an a toddler and a frisky bitch insisting you yoga pose her with a banana in her mouth. It’s not that older drunken sods don’t need their whistle wetted. It’s that they don’t need this shit. The shit you put up with when you’re a young and willing to act like a guy in a romantic comedy montage because you know it ends with sex in your dirty apartment bathtub. You get to a certain age when you just want a couple or four gin and gins and the chance to go scream obscenities in the street. You don’t need a baby. You need your custom European street bike and a cop to berate in the park. You can have Belinda from TopEscorts.com stop by on Tuesdays and Thursday to handle the finer points.

I most recently saw this same what the fuck am I doing look on the face of James Gandolfini with his new young wife and baby. I give Alec six months to live. Oh, how this yoga instructor is going to ball her eyes out up to and through the reading of the will. He was such a good man.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Blake Lively Pregnancy Tits

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 9:11 AM

Blake Lively Busty While Pregnant At Angel Ball 2014
I can respect a woman who shares her pregnancy tits with the whole world. Daring to bare while with child used to be considered taboo. Pregnant woman covered themselves in unflattering oversized garments and hid their offspring until fully birthed and cooing in the pram. It took the fabulously progressive Hollywood to say, hey, pregnancy looks beautiful on a woman and just imagine how many future jobs we’re creating for undocumented immigrants. Open tops, open borders, I stand with Blake Lively and her breasts.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI

Nobody Bitches Like College Grads

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 8:58 AM

Student-Loan-Protest-March

I thought we had agreed as a capitalist society that when you buy something you can’t afford, that’s sort of your fault. When somebody loses their mortgage in Vegas, we all chime in that they learned a valuable lesson. When the hot trophy wife gets a middle aged man in massive credit card debt, we all say that tool had a good run while it lasted. But somehow the college racket is different. You take out high risk markers up the wazoo and when you find yourself deep in debt you can’t afford, you pitch a fit on Wall Street or write Huff Po editorials decrying the system.

If you’re looking to expand your horizons on the history of art or fine literature of learn some ancient Mayan, flipping fantastic. It’s great to be well-rounded. Now pay for it. It’s relatively inexpensive at in-state colleges. It’s far more expensive at private schools. If you’re interested in learning computer engineering or accounting or nursing, far better because you will actually find a job to pay back your loans.

The government bears a large responsibility. Not just for driving up the cost of college through subsidies, but because they sell this nonsense line of ‘must go to college’ here’s some guaranteed loans you certainly don’t qualify for that will crush you in the future. They’re the ultimate hucksters. Before you let some 18-year old borrow a nickel, put up a big fucking Impact font disclaimer they must read aloud: it is almost certain I will never make back this loan money and I will be in wretched debt forever. I still agree not to be a super bitch and ask everybody else to cover me when this happens, because it will. Signed me and my stupid parents if I’m not yet eighteen. Now then, shut the fuck up and eat the shit cake you just baked.

Cam’ron Hawks Ebola Gear

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

Cam

For every national media scare there is a promotional product for sale. That’s what makes this country great. We turn ginned up cable news stories into opportunities for licensed merchandise.¬†Occasional rapper and assault victim Cam’ron is selling an Ebola Mask on his group’s website with his face on it. The mask retails for $19.99 and is designed specifically for Ebola and being taunted until you kill yourself:

“Wrap it up and protect yourself from Ebola just like Killa Cam! PRE-ORDER – Ships 11/7/14. Provides complete protection while remaining light and comfortable. Polypropylene outer facing offers a soft, fluid protection barrier while the cellulose inner facing assures comfort and breathability.”

Of course this mask wouldn’t protect you from the common cold, let alone Ebola, and anyone who would believe so lacks the twenty bucks required to make the purchase in the first place. It’s unclear if this is an inside joke on Cam’ron’s part or if his fans are just exceptionally dim. My money’s on the latter. If you should ever see someone wearing this spit in their eyeball and tell them you have Ebola. This should not go unpunished.

Photo Credit: Dipset.com