Karina Jelinek and Paz Cornu Ass-Lax In Bikinis

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 1:11 PM

Karina Jelinek & Paz Cornu Relax In Bikinis At The Beach In Miami
I refuse to generalize about foreign lands, but it’s fair to say that everyone in Argentina is either an aging Nazi war criminal or a hot young woman with a large unctuous ass. I’m sure there’s a few other people milling about that don’t fit either group. Like the gauchos, soccer players, and high energy TV dance show hosts. Every country is unique in its own way, though similar in the fact that all their hot women pull slender bits of fabric up into their taints and head to Miami to look for opportunity. Right now there are chicks from both Israel and Palestine helping each other position their tanned asses in the direction of the millionaire expensive high rise condos lining the beach. I blame men for wars. Women have a more advanced means of getting what they want.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ryan Gosling’s Sex Tears And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 01, 2014 @ 11:51 AM

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A girl who claims to have had sexy sex with Ryan Gosling says that he cried like a little pussy after the shtupping. She said, “I asked if he was all right, and he said he gets emotional sometimes.” I sometimes get emotional after sex. Generally, that emotion is, get the hell out. But crying’s cool too.

Read all about Ryan Gosling’s sexual feelings.(Defamer)

Tara Reid milks the SyFy tit by launching a ‘Sharknado’ perfume. (Huffington Post)

Zac Efron kisses the lesbian out of Michelle Rodriguez in Ibiza.(TMZ)

Uncle Terry takes some sexy pics of Charlotte McKinney.(COED)

Ireland Baldwin in lingerie makes my wiener happy.(The Superficial)

In Brazil game shows just involve hot chicks in bikinis jumping around.(BroBible)

Genevieve Morton wears see-through clothes for GQ.(Nip Slip)

Jena Malone Sings In Her Underwear

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 11:31 AM

Jena Malone Sings With Lingerie Models At Love And Lemons Annual SKIVVIES Party
I like when you haven’t seen somebody in a few years then they show up in their panties singing with a bunch of other girls in their panties at a panties party. It’s even better when that somebody is a woman. Jena Malone came out of some kind of retirement for a promotional event for a lingerie store. Sometimes, while waiting for Spielberg to call, you do have to answer the dude offering you a couple grand to sing in your underwear. Every time you die a little on the inside, you make somebody else happy. Life is a fixed pie of humiliation.

Photo Credit: Getty

Sophie Simmons Nips Dissing Old Glory

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 10:47 AM

Sophie Simmons In A Wet Tee Shirt For A Photo Shoot By Aleks Kocev
Good news. Gene Simmons daughter will not be arrested for taking the U.S. flag underwater for an important wet t-shirt photo shoot . U.S. Code has advisory rules about doing such messed-up shit, but there’s no criminal repercussions behind the code since the courts agreed shitting on the flag is an expression of free speech. Also, many legal experts believe that when sea anemone sized nipples and self-promotion are involved, the Constitution provides even more protection because our Founders probably loved tits as much as we do.

Photo Credit: Aleks Kocev

Heidi Klum Tit Covered by Fashion Designer, It’s Okay, He’s Gay

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 10:29 AM

Heidi Klum Posts A Bikini Booty Photo To Instagram
There are so many cool things you get to do as a gay man. Not even counting Grindr and random office parking garage sex, women love to treat you as their most intimate valets. Imagine a model who’s been molested since grade school. I am right now. Suddenly, she has a full grown man who can see her naked, rub his hands on her tits as a funny, and he never ever tries to press his junk into her honeypot. That’s the dream. It’s for this very same reason I keep many attractive lesbians as my dearest friends. Though inevitably I have unsuccessfully tried to nail each and every one of them. Bruising around the face and nut area is what separates me from Heidi Klum.

Photo Credit: Heidi Klum/Instagram

Michael Moore Is Fat and Rich and Single, Ladies

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 9:50 AM

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There’s nothing wrong with being fat and rich. That’s what makes America so fucking great. We don’t judge men by their superficial characteristics. Only women, as the Bible intended. But since Michael Moore has made a stupendous asshole out of himself as the giant fudgy pants champion of the downtrodden working man, people are going to notice when he lives in a 10,000 square foot lakeside home and has $50 million in the bank. Not that rich people can’t be champions of the poor. If they didn’t have guilty people in mansions making sure they didn’t go commie revolution, poor people would be really fucking poor country poor, not wealthy country poor with cable TV and cars and vouchers for Slim Jims and chocolate sodas.

Michael Moore is divorcing his wife of two decades because he finally realized he is far too well-off to have an equally fat wife. Even in Michigan where obesity is worshipped as it is among the South Pacific Island tribes, rich dudes want trophy wives.

Moore has previously acknowledged how rich he’s become as the most famous documentary filmmaker of his time, insisting that he makes a point of paying his taxes in full.

I thought he was going to say he donates most of his money to charities for super fucking self-righteous bastards with diabetes. But taxes is a good one too. Only really the best among us pay our taxes, what with it being super optional at all. I guess he means he’s better than Wesley Snipes. Which is true. Unless there’s a push up contest involved.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Shanina Shaik Doesn’t Understand the Walk of Shame

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 9:18 AM

Shanina Shaik In A White Bikini Top On A Yacht In Ibiza
Someday, we’re all going to be Arab-Australians. Maybe like fifty more years if demographics trends hold. But we’re not all going to be climbing off Little Canadian King Joffrey’s yacht in the morning. What happened to young women discreetly doing what they have to do to get ahead and then lying about it? Secret hidden shames that eat you up inside even decades later really are the best. They’re like back alley abortions. That took courage. Now you can get de-fetused where the gift wrapping windows used to be at department stores. Yes, I would like extra gauze, no, I would not like to sign up for a Macy’s card. Unless Bieber shows up dead from poison in the next several hours, there was no excuse for this Victoria’s Secret model to be on that boat. We need to bring back public shaming. Suicide rates have dropped precariously low.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet

Christina Aguilera Naked Pregnant Mom Boobs

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 8:54 AM

Christina Aguilera Poses Pregnant In A See Through Dress For V Magazine
Whenever people talk about Christina Aguilera, they always say she’s reinventing herself. I think that means she’s losing weight again after packing on a few. Or she’s decided to try sobriety in the noon hour. In this case, Christina’s reinventing herself once more by boldly being the twenty-eighth celebrity to pose naked while pregnant for a fashion magazine. Grabbing your tits in front of a camera ought to be a right of pregnancy passage for all women with personal trainers and stylists. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be getting your six month ultrasounds in pumps and a fuck-me pose.

Photo Credit: V Magazine