Nope, I can’t show you this picture either. I’ve been threatened with the iron mask. But you can see the big tittied blonde and the Cy Young Award winner pushing his junk up into her butt HERE. There’s a bunch of other pictures too that look kind of like her big fat boobs. Probably a mix of real and fake. It’s safe to say, the world will never be the same. Even Hamas and ISIS put down their swords to stroke the shit out of their sweaty plowshares. Even hate filled men get hard-ons. Kate Upton has peaked today. That could be seen as unfortunate, unless you really think about what she had left to offer. It was time.
Update: never underestimate the power of celebrities with big guns. The photos are no longer here. I do believe the Jennifer Lawrence topless photos are still alive and well on Reddit….
Fuck, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow has the capability of nabbing photos off the world’s digital servers, though she has the motive since Gay Beethoven and she split and he started dating Jennifer Lawrence. Of course, sending out pictures of Jennifer Lawrence’s big ole perfect titties doesn’t seem like much of a revenge plot. Oh, yeah, now nobody likes her. According to 4Chan, the Internet’s most unclaimed fountain of crap, these photos are legit. They sure look like Jennifer Lawrence the last time I saw her naked. I wouldn’t make any definitive judgements until you’re done masturbating. Refractory periods are when the Muses step in.
Senator Kirsten Gillibrand is so angry that her older male colleagues made comments about her weight and looks, she wrote a memoir about all of the three in total horrible things she remembers them saying to her while a member of Congress. Now, she’s selling that memoir for money without mentioning any of her horrible harassers names, because that’s Senatorial. Also a good way to avoid lawsuits while still raking in the book advances.
Congressmen as a lot are the salted scum of the earth. You’d have to bring up NFL linebackers before you found a bigger group of blowhards, criminals, and tawdry misogynistic bastards. Still, if the best you can come up with is a few inappropriate comments by various octogenarian Dixiecrats bumbling around the capitol, not exactly the harrowing tales of shit sandwiches women on the front lines have to consume, let alone young models who have an ‘Uncle Terry’ appointment on their iPhone calendars. Still, the comments were horrible and biting:
Good thing you’re working out, because you wouldn’t want to get porky,
Cut you to the quick, sister. Do you realize how many times my own parents have told me this very same thing? Naturally, it’s different when a man says it to a woman who happens to be writing a book about how crappy men treat women in Congress. It got worse:
You know, Kirsten, you’re even pretty when you’re fat
Holy crap. How did you survive that poison barb? Gillibrand admits that the older Congressman’s intentions were sweet, even if he was being an idiot. Then, like a couple more comments about her being chubby but cute happened. Totaling almost a handful in just a half dozen years. Can you imagine being at a job where somebody told you something sweet but inappropriate almost once a year? Fuck, I’d write a book too and go on talk shows and People magazine trying to sell the shit out of it. What are your other options? Senators don’t hold the nuclear launch codes.
Photo credit: Getty Images
Rihanna works hard and plays harder. That’s so fucking Bajan. But even she knows you can’t get loaded every single day of the year. When her zits start bursting and dousing the kids in the front row, she goes full temperance.
When I feel like my skin has had it, I cut all the alcohol completely and overdo the water.
If you think being an alchy who has to worry about her complexion is easy, think again. It’s enough just to worry about being fired or arrested or having sex with David Spade on accident. Now you have to worry about covering your whiteheads before a Vogue shoot? I’d turn directly to heroin. It’s a natural appetite suppressant and outside of the sallow skin and the dead eyes, your smooth as a naked cat. Until you quit and your body turns into one giant scab. But quitters never win.
Seems sensible enough.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Loathsome douchenozzle Kanye West said in response to getting sued by a paparazzo that he can’t hate them because his dad used to be one. Also, he can’t hate people who die during liposuction because… well, never mind.
Read more of Kanye trying to pretend he’s cool with the paps. (Movie Pilot)
Coco’s ass cannot be contained by a g-string bikini. It must run free! (Dlisted)
Megan Fox throws like a girl. (Popoholic)
Sexy Olivia Munn wears a tight shirt to support her man at Lambeau Field. (Busted Coverage)
A swarm of bees attacked Blake Lively. They were pissed at her because of her stupid blog. (Huffington Post)
Beyonce’s dad says divorce rumors were just a publicity stunt to promote their crappy shows. (The Superficial)
Emma Stone and her stupid face show off some sexy cleavage. (Drunken Stepfather)
In a growing scandal nobody really gives a fuck about, they just need an excuse to show half naked teen girls (myself included), Kendall Jenner denies that she and her working girl sisters were texting during the VMA minute of silence for kids throwing Molotov cocktails at cops in Ferguson:
I just specifically remember not texting and bowing my head down for the moment of silence and that’s all I have to say about that.
Whoa, thanks Obama for giving us a quote in between your national security briefings. I actually believe that these moronic vag-bots text and Tweet so much of their every waking hour that they probably do remember the few brief moments when they’re not typing LOLZ what a bicchh! into their phones. Also a Kardashian is going to remember the one time in her life when she bows her head and a cock doesn’t slide into their mouth. I find these lovely young ladies innocent of disrespect! Now, onto the For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge counts.
Photo Credit: Getty, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News
This is the Mexican singer who stole Miley Cyrus’ fiance last year by pointing out that she was far hotter, had bigger tits, and didn’t wipe her poo hands on her lips after taking a shit just to seem punk. She also has a Spanish accent. A Spanish accent can raise a boner like Jesus did to Lazarus. Miley has a pointy tongue and an unemployed male model she totes around to exhibit the plight of the good looking and homeless. A Mexican girl knows exactly what do with an unemployed male model. Fuck him and give him a fake phone number.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
It’s been a whole two days since I’ve had Liv Tyler’s wet derriere boarding a sea-faring vessel like a pear shaped pirate. That’s forty-eight hours too long. Unlike the celebrities with their asses injected full of pigeon fat and finely ground gravel, Liv Tyler got her wide ass the old-fashioned way. Eating and making babies. Stop hating mothers and respect that ass.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI