Jenny McCarthy Is Marriage Material

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 3:17 PM


Jenny McCarthy has a new ring on her finger. And, no, it’s not the platinum band to signify her millionth child kill through ardently promoting the spread of preventable infectious disease. She’s engaged to Donnie Wahlberg, the former New Kids on the Block performer and present day, Police Detective #5 on numerous TV shows. Still, he’s Mark Wahlberg’s brother which makes him a definite catch by just a degree of separation. Already, the couple are planning on combining Jenny’s advanced knowledge of epidemiology gleaned from ‘some JuCo’ with Donnie’s highly practiced rhythmic dance moves to produce a series of educational videos for children called ‘Polio Means Mommy Loves Me’. Through song and dance, afflicted children will come to merrily accept their shorter life spans and extended stays coughing up blood in hospital wards. The whole family will cheer when Jenny herself comes out in leg braces and does the robot. Best of luck to Jenny and Donnie on their nuptials.

Heidi Klum Demands Your Titty Respect

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 2:42 PM

Heidi Klum Goes Topless At The Beach With Her New Boyfriend In Mexico
You can’t just want then, cougar cub, you need to say you want them. Heidi Klum has one rule when it comes to mounting the multitude of young cock she intends to ride because she’s 40 and rich and horny. You must appreciate the flapjacks. She will shove them in your face, ring the triangle and show them to the world, and even draw smiley faces on them for her children’s school carnivals. In all cases, respect the titties or get the fuck out. I’m not sure how young Frenchy is handling the supplication before his older girlfriend’s drooping yams. If he’s having an inkling to wonder why a chick with all the cash in the world wouldn’t get a 90210 light lift, he better hide it. Or the cougar moves on and you get none, son.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI

Dina Lohan’s Guilty Plea is a Passover Miracle

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Dina Lohan Goes To Court For Her DUI In Long Island

Considering Dina Lohan is what God had lined up next for the Egyptians if slaying the first born sons didn’t pan out, it seems blasphemous she and her attorney were invoking Passover to explain her miracle of no jail time in her guilty plea to driving super fucking drunk. She also was belligerent to the cops and made up fake charges about being assaulted, but that shit goes away when you have a well paid attorney:

Considering this is the first day of Passover, we were very pleased to receive an offer which would resolve her criminal case in Nassau County with a commitment of no jail, no probation, and that afforded her the opportunity to resume her driving privileges shortly. She felt this was a great beginning for the Holy week and she was happy with that result.

I guess this kind of religious pandering would be pretty pro forma, if you’re client was, oh, I don’t know, Jewish. I understand Dina’s Irish Catholic association with the rituals of the seder, most notably the drinking of four glasses of wine before wrapping her shaky fingers around her steering wheel and driving to her daughter’s place to find her stash. Still, this seems a bit profane. Under the precepts of celebrity justice, Dina’s license is being revoked but she’s still going to be allowed to drive. Which makes about as much sense as punishing Dina by making her blow on a device before miraculously having a working car. She’s been doing that since she was a teen.

Lake Bell Strips In Esquire

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

Lake Bell Strips For The May Issue Of Esquire
I can’t abide people who use old memes and then feel obliged to explain them as if they’d just invented fire. I remember drunk discussing Lake Bell with an old roommate who told me she was the ultimate Hollywood butterface, then felt compelled to explain the meaning of the pun. I found myself becoming filled with a shapeless rage. It’s not the sexism that bothers me, it’s the lack of grounding. Unless you’re Leonardo Dicaprio and you’re pulling a different world class lingerie model for every time somebody made a gay joke about you in middle school, you’re pushing that same set of Sisyphean balls up the lady hill we all are. You’d run over your tightest bro’s before ho’s buddy for the chance to lay biblically upon Lake Bell. That’s the power of truth that surged down my arm and into my fist as I punched him square in his man titties, Fucking Craigslist.

Photo Credit: Esquire

Ana Braga in a Pink Thong Bikini

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

Ana Braga In A Pink Thong Bikini For A Photo Shoot In Miami Beach
I like that America has become a safe haven for foreign girls looking to become famous by flashing tits and ass. Politicians make speeches about how we’re a proud nation of immigrants, but mostly people have always hated the raggedy folks who got here after them. It’s like pretending you’re happy that you ex is getting biblical with the next Mr. Right. Your flag is your flag and every bit as important as the day you first planted it. If the Russkies went to the moon and swapped out their colors for the stars and stripes, we’d go to war. The best thing that could happen to immigration is this Brazilian girls labial folds flapping in the wind to remind us that every man on this planet belongs to but one nation, the nation of dudes who want to bang this chick and leave before sunup.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Andy Cohen Will Be So Brave For Lindsay Lohan

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Because Lindsay Lohan is such a troubled soul “recovering” from her addictions to drugs and alcohol or whatever, Bravo’s Andy Cohen has vowed that when he has her as a guest on Watch What Happens Live tomorrow night, he will be her “sober buddy” for one whole show. Lindsay is appearing on the show, I assume, to promote her docu-bullshit series on Oprah Winfrey’s network, because there’s absolutely nothing else for her to talk about, so Andy is forgoing his normal tradition of enjoying some cocktails with his guests to make the show even more boring, predictable and formulaic than it already is. Then, when the show is over, Lindsay can go back to pretending that she’s clean and sober, while Andy can sit on his front doorstep and wait for all of the trophies that he’s earned to be delivered. He’s the true hero, America.

Photo Credit: Getty

I Slept Through Tax Day Again

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 11:27 AM


April 15th isn’t really the day you pay taxes. It’s the day you have to submit those forms to the government to show that the money you had taken out of your paycheck the previous year is about what you owe. Some idiots get super excited when they get a refund, because, congratulations, you overpaid throughout the year. You’re a winner. Some people have to pay a little more. But for the most part, it’s just a symbolic holiday for Libertarians to eat pie in the back of Denny’s and bitch about taxes, and, naturally, why we can’t openly carry guns into legal brothels while smoking weed. The Old West was pretty awesome, minus the typhus. When people are polled, most say they pay too much in taxes. But that same majority also say they want the government to buy lots of things that cost lots of money. When prompted for who should pay more to cover the tip, they usually say somebody not named themselves. This mostly just proves that people are whiny selfish bitches. Which isn’t necessarily such a bad thing. According to Adam Smith, it’s a great thing. At some point we’ll probably have to reckon our incalculable debt. Or not. Every time somebody says we can’t leave that immense burden to our kids and grandkids, I think to myself, why the fuck not? We gave them a world where they don’t have to buy the shitty songs on albums and you can instantly access millions of pornographic films right to your fapping hand. Time to pay it forward, you spoiled shits. America, fuck yeah!

Catherine Zeta-Jones And Michael Douglas Don’t Look Very Separated

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Steven Soderbergh’s new play The Library opened in New York City last night, and it was such an important and magical evening that it even managed to bring Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones back together. This miracle of modern love reminded us that the couple had announced its separation almost eight months ago, and it helped show us all that nothing is ever bad enough to make two married actors, 25-years apart in age, simply call it quits after all this time. When it comes to why they decided to give it another shot, I have two theories. First, they realized the impact that a divorce could have on their young children, and no difference is big enough to get in the way of providing a happy and healthy family. Second, they realized nobody gave much of a shit that they split up in the first place, so just like the general apathy surrounding their first announcement, here they are trying to get a little attention again. I really can’t put my finger on which one it is, though.

Photo Credits: Getty