By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 7:14 PM
Taylor Swift’s prom-less minions may have figured out how to scare Victoria’s Secret into firing Jessica Hart for her disloyal comment about Taylor’s fat hips or whatever, but they couldn’t stop making her better looking than their pufferfish-faced liege. Somebody else already hired Jessica Hart to flash her ass and gap-toothed grin for the cameras. Which just goes to show, good looking women trump pudgy anonymous online sycophants some of the time.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, INFphoto.com
By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 6:56 PM
The last time Suri Cruise flipped the bird to photographers, her suck ups in the media were quick to call it a mistaken hair twisting hand gesture. This time, what? She’s hailing a cab? Working her way into a raised fist for Mandela? No, that’s definitely a big bird flip off from the seven year old. I’ve committed to never calling Suri Cruise a little bitch like paparazzi members have in the past because I think it’s unfair to label any kid a twit when their parents have fucked them up so very well. But someday that little bitch is going to flip it toward a cop or a Gambino crime family member and suffer a beating worse than the time she told her dad she didn’t believe large doses of niacin and rubber suit jogging had cured him of his gay.
Photo credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 6:07 PM
There’s no way to lose in a story where either a Hilton or a Lohan is a lying sack of shit. It’s the classic win-win. Paris Hilton’s little brother, Baron Von Douchery, got his ass beat up at Lindsay Lohan’s mansion party in Miami where Lindsay is staying trying to keep clean and attend art shows. Both of which sound like made-up reasons. Baron claims he made remarks about Lindsay and her new boyfriend, let’s just call him Cocaine Stupid Face for now, so Lindsay ordered a male friend of hers to kick the shit out of Baron. According to Baron, Lindsay stood by and laughed and egged her friend on in the pummeling. I have no idea if that’s true or not, but I do know it’s incredibly fun to imagine. Fearing a loss of his mealticket, Michael Lohan is rounding up witnesses to say that Lindsay wasn’t even at the party when the beat down took place. He’s also found witnesses to state that Lindsay has never smoked crack and did not appear in Freaky Friday and that Michael Lohan was an attentive father. If you’re looking to buy witnesses, you could do far worse than Florida.
Here’s Lindsay in a swimsuit at her Miami mansion thinking about art and staying sober and ordering her next hit.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 5:43 PM
Somehow I missed the live re-singing of the Sound of Music on NBC last night. I have vowed never to watch anybody sing again ever on TV, the same day my girlfriend threw out my admittedly barbaric VHS collection of midget fights. I thought I was punishing her, but then I realized I was really just helping myself. I guess the Von Trapp great-grandkids weren’t too fond of Carrie Underwood portraying their mom because they all went on different news outlets to Von bitch:
“It’s just upsetting that this could potentially be the final broadcast of our story. And although her voice is amazing, she doesn’t have acting experience…. It’s just the overall image, she’s a country star, she won ‘American Idol,’ she’s very public in kind of a tabloid way.” — Myles von Trapp Derbyshire, super pretty great-grandkid
Who doesn’t get upset about how their great-grandmother they never met is portrayed in the movies? Especially when those same shiny Von Trapp great-grandkids are using the family name to look semi-attractive and yodel in concerts around the world. I’m down with the Carrie Underwood can’t act hate, and I’m even willing to accept a bunch of kids trying to eke out a showbiz living based on three generations ago family events. But then the idiot kids went and said they held a secret meeting to collectively decide they wished Anne Hathaway would’ve portrayed their dead great-grandmum. Now I’m just rooting for the Nazis to take them all away again.
By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 5:01 PM
Naomie Harris seems too good looking to have played the role of Nelson Mandela’s second wife in the new Mandela movie just released as film marketing agents were cutting off oxygen to Nelson Mandela’s breathing tube. You may recall Winnie Mandela as the political figure in South Africa who rose to fame off her imprisoned husband’s name, then went on to steal tons of money and beat and burn lots of people to death with her secret goon squad. Sort of like a Hillary Clinton but without the lesbian overtones.
Photo Credit: Esquire UK
By Jack December 06, 2013 @ 4:42 PM
Hotel heiress and race relations scholar Paris Hilton caught a whole lot of shit yesterday for a tweet wherein she mistook Nelson Mandela for Martin Luther King. After the South African civil rights leader passed away yesterday, celebs took to twitter to offer condolence and fawn over Mandela after their publicists reminded them who Mandela was. Paris was on a plane at the time and it looks like the tweet was a fake. The Tweet was posted under her name by an account called @deletedtweets:
“RIP Nelson Mandela. Your ‘I Have A Dream’ speech was so inspiring. Amazing man.”
It’s pretty silly to imagine that somebody who fucked their teachers all the way up to a high school degree wouldn’t know the difference between the two civil rights leaders. In the very least, she knows MLK’s birthday as that’s the day every year when she reminds her fans how gross black dudes are.
By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 4:03 PM
Like everyone on the planet, I completely forgot about Ja Rule while he was in prison for tax evasion and guns. To be fair, I think he was carrying his 1040 to the post office when he got busted for the guns, so Whitey pretty much set him up. As a welcome home from prison gift, Ja Rule’s soon to be former wife went on the highly respected CreamBMP website to call him a homo, saying he left her for his male trainer he met in lockup.
“He wrote all them love songs and still don’t know how to treat a bitch. We spent 10 plus years building our marriage but it only took him two to decide he’d rather suck a dick than be with his wife”
His eloquent wife Aisha goes on to express hope that Ja Rule’s dick sucking is just a phase, you know, like it is for so many men in their 30′s who blow their gym buddies. For his part, Ja Rule did what any man would do after being accused by his wife of being a cock gobbler, he posted a picture of himself and his new girlfriend on Twitter. Case closed. I’m pretty sure gay dudes do not have girlfriends. Or wives. Or star in Look Who’s Talking movies.
By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 3:13 PM
Before sending photos off for 10,000 hours of airbrushing time to remove all human lifelike qualities, the Sports Illustrated photographers actually take real pictures of real girls on the beach. The Swimsuit Editor Instagrammed a bunch of headless photos as evidence of a this production. It might just be one Eurasian girl at this point that they fashion into many different characters, but if you can count on anything each March, it’s topless body painted girls without any anatomical evidence of nipples.
Photo Credit: @mj_day/Instagram