LeBron James Delusional

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

James

LeBron James is utterly mistaken about how important he is and thinks his first game back in Cleveland will be remembered throughout history somewhere between the Immaculate Reception and the fall of the Berlin Wall. That fell, right?

“For me, none of us should take this moment for granted. This is probably one of the biggest sporting events up there ever.”

A regular season NBA game where guys jog back on defense rarely ranks higher than the next one in terms of significance. Especially when losing to a horrendously conceived Knicks team whose most promising asset is an old man in their office who does yoga. To be fair LeBron is kind of biased. He ranks taking a mid game shit last November number 3 on the all time list he keeps on a white board near his locker. His decision to leave Cleveland via Punk’d remains un-erased however since it inspired the largest American mass suicide since Heaven’s Gate.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Chelsea Handler Topless Instagram Protests Aren’t At All Self-Serving

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 7:57 PM

Putin-and-Chelsea-Handler-Topless-on-Horseback

Chelsea Handler struck a blow against double standards on Instagram by posting a photo of herself topless in identical pose to the famous Putin topless horseback riding photo he uses on his Tinder Russia dating profile. She’s begging Instagram to show their sexist bias against topless women and remove the photo.

If instagram takes this down again, you’re saying Vladimir Putin Has more 1st amendment rights than me. Talk to your bosses.

Chelsea Handler is a mediocre comedian, but she’s smart enough to know the First Amendment doesn’t apply to private social media services. Instagram and Facebook can censor whatever the hell they want for whatever reason they want. Just like you have the right to tell the same Britney Spears joke for six years in a row that plays well to a canned laugh track.¬†You don’t have the right to petition the Supreme Court because you want to show off your tits after you had a little lift. Let’s be adults and admit you’re just trying to keep your name in the news while the world quickly forgets your scheduled return on Netflix in 2019. You’re only slightly more self-serving than Putin. Though your new tits aren’t half bad.

Photo credit: Chelsea Handler on Instagram

Chloe Sevigny Topless in a Foreign Magazine

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Chloe Sevigny Topless In Sante dOrazo LOfficiel Hommes France

Chloe Sevigny traveled to France to show off her boobs for a fashion magazine. She’s not allowed to pose topless in the United States due to her confusing chest mole and the fact that when they held a hearing banning her from showing off her tits anymore nobody showed up in opposition. All Sevigny sex filled thought provoking indies must be produced now solely in countries where online dating profiles highlight your chain smoking and disdain for outdoor activities.

Photo Credit: Sante d’Orazo

Ebola Nurses Seem Like Assholes

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

Every health worker coming back from West Africa seems pretty fucking douchey about being the one to decide the Hot Zone rules. Kaci Hickox is that Doctors Without Borders nurse who fat governor Christie threw into an E.T. containment tent the minute she got back from Ebola Central and tested positive for a fever. Hickox spent about two seconds in forced quarantine before she started calling her attorney, CNN, and Dr. Nancy Snyderman to grab her some soup and stop by for a visit. Obama and the medical community cautioned everybody about overreacting to Ebola so that they could insidiously import more Ebola. It’s some kind of Ebola multi-level marketing scheme where they’re all getting rich on.

Christie told Hickox the only way she was getting out of her Saran Wrap prison in Newark was if she got her attitude and her Ebola risk the fuck out of New Jersey completely. So she did. To Maine, where she was asked by the authorities to home quarantine herself for a couple more weeks to ensure she wasn’t infected. Which she did, for about an hour, before taking a bike ride with her friend. Because Ebola nurses are assholes.

What all these humanitarian medical workers know is that Ebola is rather difficult to transmit casually and that even if you do flare up, it’s like a herpes, they have plenty of time to call their dates and come up with a fake excuse for canceling on dinner. What asshole doctors and nurses don’t know is that the rest of us don’t give a shit about their science. We don’t even want you creating a the appearance of Ebola, or the panic and social cost that surrounds it. It’s not irrational to overreact to a virus that makes you shoot diarrhea out of your eye sockets until you die. It is completely selfish not to accept a 21-day quarantine after sticking your hands into Ebola patients in West Africa. Buy some Harry Potter books, get a decent cable package, and shut the fuck up for three weeks. Asshole.

Queen Latifah Hates Dr. Huxtable And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 30, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Queen Latifah cancelled her interview with Bill Cosby after old rape allegations resurfaced in the media recently. It’s not as if any of this information is new. Just maybe he likes to force his pudding pop in some strange.

Destroy your childhood further by reading all about Cosby rape. (TMZ)

Farrah Abraham dresses like Elsa from Frozen to sell her rubber twats. (Huffington Post)

This is Sabrina Ioffreda and her tits are amazeballs. (Drunken Stepfather)

Here is Alessandra Ambrosio’s sideboob. You’re welcome. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nina Agdal in a bikini is the best thing that will happen to you today. (Popoholic)

Cassie Cardelle uses her tits to sell expensive water. (The Superficial)

It turns out that Apple’s Tim Cook likes iCock. (Dlisted)

Anais Zanotti in a Bikini

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:51 AM

Anais Zanotti Wears A Bikini On The Beach In Miami
Real life movements simply aren’t possible when you know dudes with cameras are snapping you. You can’t pick your nose or scratch your ass or adjust your junk. It’s all about tossing the hair and moving like you want the king to pick you out among all the servant girls for his harem where the fruit is at least fresh after the forcible sodomy. Is it truly possible for a good looking woman in a thong bikini to ever have a candid moment in public? Probably not. I’m going to feel sorry for this chick just as soon as I imagine making a baby with her then changing my name so she can’t find me for child support. If I learned anything from Elm Street it’s that every dream needs an exit plan.

Photo Credit: Splash

Kim Kardashian Breasts Ruin Bruce Jenner’s Birthday

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:25 AM

Kim Kardashian Is Nippy In All White For Bruce Jenners Birthday
Why not show a man exactly what kind of woman he can never be. On his birthday no less. While Bruce Jenner toils away with the nails and the hair and the rouge and the squeezing his junk tight enough between his legs to maneuver into women’s restrictive undergarments, along comes his cunt of a stepdaughter to remind him of the tits he will never have. Science just doesn’t offer that yet. Bruce will never know the thrill of rapper sperm splashing onto his engorged mammaries. When he cleans the jetsam off his stomach he’ll only be able to cry at the big racked girl he shall never be. Thanks, Kim. Happy Birthday to Daddy.

Photo Credit: INF/AKM-GSI

Jenny McCarthy Still Trying

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:01 AM

Jenny McCarthy Dresses As Sandy From Grease To Host Sirius XM Halloween Party
I give Jenny McCarthy an A for effort. She tried super hard to bring back polio and whooping cough, though she only succeeded among wealthy white moms who educate themselves through Facebook and Xanax. She took a stab at the movies in a couple classics solely available on the bottom shelf at Slovakian Blockbusters. She proved too not-fat for The View where dumb is certainly no issue. Now, radio. When you’re a person who sells themselves entirely on the superficial, radio is the place for you. It’s hard to know how well Jenny’s vagina talk show is doing on SiriusXM but based on past performance, you’d have to say between mediocre and about to be let go in an overly effusive corporate statement. It’s probably difficult to look back on your entertainment career and note that your lone success came when you were young and spread eagle in a magazine. Or maybe it’s awesome, because you know, most people never even get that.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI