By Jack December 10, 2013 @ 6:02 PM
R. Kelly came to the defense of fellow creepy singer Chris Brown by comparing him to Muhammed Ali, Martin Luther King, and Jesus Christ. Kelly was giving an interview for his new album Black Panties when the subject of his many controversies came up. You know, like him peeing on underaged girls on sex tapes and generally being a weird asshole. But how in the name of Christ can Chris Brown be like Jesus? He says of the haters that,
“I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”
Umm, it’s been a while since I read the Good Book but I’m pretty sure Jesus never beat any girls so bad they had to go to the hospital. Martin Luther King never had a neck tattoo and a coke habit and Ali isn’t in anger rehab right now throwing rocks through his mom’s car window. What is it with rappers claiming to be like Jesus? Kanye literally thinks he’s a god and regularly compares himself to people like MLK. Guys, you figured out how to rhyme words over someone else’s beats. You aren’t special. You’re lucky.
By Lex December 10, 2013 @ 5:37 PM
I guess somebody at the CBS news department typed in music of Africa when searching for bumper music for the Morning Show teaser on their Mandela coverage. They got Toto’s insipid 80′s ballad Africa about a white dude who has to choose between relief work in Africa and some hot chick he wants to bang. Which is perhaps why it’s actually appropriate for Mandela who didn’t shy away from loving a few ladies himself while struggling to end Apartheid. Not sure about the decades in Robben Island, but if he was listening to Toto in lockup, he probably had a prison wife too. Way to go meta and save a few bucks not licensing Peter Gabriel, CBS.
By Lex December 10, 2013 @ 5:05 PM
Holy crap, Gisele really does do it all. She maps out post patterns for Danny Amendola so he’s not lost like that stupid Wes Welker. She runs a lingerie business selling lingerie that only she can wear. And she takes in random street children to give them breast milk while gay men play with her hair. Officially, I believe it’s called tousling. If you’re not thinking about picking this lady up the next time she comes single, you are missing out on a Renaissance woman.
Photo Credit: www.giseleintimates.com
By Lex December 10, 2013 @ 4:14 PM
I guess this is part two of Adriana Lima rides a subway in her underwear while black folks ignore her in Numero Tokyo magazine. This seems like a rather failed campaign to get more Brazilian models to visit The Big Apple. What’s the point if you can’t even get a decent sexual assault on the subway? I guess you’ve still got the museums.
Photo Credit: Numéro Tokyo
By Jack December 10, 2013 @ 3:37 PM
Katy Perry finally revealed the true reason why she and human hard-on Russell Brand split up: he wanted to fill her with a baby. It seems that the prancing Limey really wants to be a father. Katy just wasn’t ready to have kids because there are too many insipid repetitive songs left to be sung from her heart. She also says it was a way for Brand to “control” her,
“[Brand] really wanted me to have children, and I knew I wasn’t ready — I think it was a way of control. I think it was part of, If I have a kid, then I would have to sacrifice — I’d have to be home more.”
I for one applaud her decision. Not because of some feminist reason of her owning her reproductive destiny, but because I don’t want those two to make offspring. That would be fucking horrible. It would be just a mop of hair and tits with a chalkboard scratching voice listening to Katy’s parents read a bed time story about how the Jews are ruining the world. We couldn’t allow that child to reach adulthood and I for one am getting too old to keep sneaking into homes and stealing devil babies.
By Lex December 10, 2013 @ 2:52 PM
Lady Gaga is running out of bizarre costume ideas so she just headed out in London in her underwear and a bathrobe. We once found my Great Aunt Elaine looking like that outside a closed hardware store when she was in her 80′s. She said she was buying a socket wrench for Harry Truman. That’s when we knew it was time to start combing her attic for valuables she’d never know were missing.
Photo Credit: PCN, WENN
By Lex December 10, 2013 @ 2:17 PM
Dead Cory Monteith died struggling to silence Lea’s voices in his head. There’s a good chance if you listen to Lea’s new single Cannonball off her impossibly titled Louder album you too will be requesting a hotel room with an early checkout.
Suck on those melodics for a little while. I already answered a Craigslist ad for downtown apartment sharing with Nick Stahl and Leif Garrett. I’m coming Cory. Like a cannonball, I go boom.
By Lex December 10, 2013 @ 1:49 PM
Just when you were pretty sure Tila Tequila was dead, nope. Still here. And telling the Jews to get over The Holocaust already.
I understand the Jewish people went through some shit too, but hey guess what?? SO DID THE MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE WHO SUFFERED IN EVERY SINGLE WAR THST TOOK PLACE! You were NOT the only ones! So please, if the rest of us can forgive and forget maybe it’s time you do also!!!
Things started to head South for Tila right about the time one of her personalities decided to stop eating and then another decided to throw itself out of a building window. Granted, it was a first floor window so damage was largely superficial. Some people saw it as a cry for help. Other people saw it as the time to hire Michael Jackson’s doctor to help Tila finally get a good long napper. If they’d known Tila was being rebooted in a Nazi costume apologizing for Hitler, I bet more would have voted for the Propofol.
I never said I hated anyone, but just because I fee sympathy, compassion, and forgiveness for others such as Hitler means I am now a monster? All for trying to open your eyes to the truth that Hitler was NOT as bad as he was painted out to be?
The story of Tila Tequila is really the story of Internet social media itself. She got popular for showing off her tits and kissing other girls, then she started talking and everybody started getting bored, and eventually it all turned into Nazi name calling. I’m going to go watch her sex tape again and pretend this never happened.
Photo Credit: Tila Tequila/Facebook, Instagram