Serena Williams Might Be Doing Curls

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 7:06 AM

Serena-Williams-Seems-a-Bit-Ripped

I was cool pretending Serena Williams was merely the big-boned sister. Maybe even the unusually strong girl in the Romanian circus. But this power of Greyskull muscle mass is getting out of control. Serena’s rocking the Road Warrior pythons. She and dad and sister can pull all the test results they want out of their ass, something’s amiss. I’d investigate, but you go snooping around the Island of Dr. Moreau, you come back half gnu.

Photo credit: AKM-GSI

Scott Disick Pissed About Pregnancy

By Matt September 02, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

Kourtney Kardashian pretended to reveal to her unemployed boyfriend that she’s pregnant with their third out of wedlock child. Disick shuttered at the notion. Possibly because Kourtney asked him to shut the door so they could be in private with a camera crew. Or maybe he just did some basic math splits on what he gets after he dumps her body in the quarry. Disick ranted to a degree a sober person would find suspicious:

“This is ridiculous. It is always so sneaky with you. You need to stop lying to me…You just keep suckering me into these kids… I just kind of thought that at two we did not want to have any more kids and now I have to look after three. Just saying it is freaking me out.”

Although this pregnancy seems like a total disaster, Disick is actually doing the zygote a favor. Years later when the child has grown up to a pill popping teen with inadequacy issues, it will begin searching for answers. Most of these kids have to fly to Tampa to meet their estranged alcoholic father in the Elephant Bar for a disappointing heart to heart. This little bastard will have Youtube.

Iggy Azalea Knows Shit

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 12:11 PM

Iggy-Azalea-Made-in-America-02
There’s nothing more American than Labor Day. It might be an international trade union event that morphed into communism and the world’s worst parades ever, but it’s still the day we close all the public pools sending the pedophiles back into the classrooms and Fed-Ex Kinko’s. Nothing says U.S.A. like some British chick and an Australian chick with a big fake ass at a Made in America concert in Los Angeles. They did a lot of pretending to make out and feel each other up, which I appreciate. You can’t auto-tune fake lesbian stage antics. Within this decade Labor Day will be swapped out for a holiday about turning off your air-conditioning so that marmosets won’t go extinct. Enjoy it now, comrades. America, Fuck Yeah.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Jenny McCarthy Finally Married, Again

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:54 AM

Jenny-McCarthy-Gets-Married-in-White

Fuck you for telling a lady on her wedding days she can’t feel like a virgin. Jenny McCarthy looked like an angel with silicon tits at her marriage over the weekend to the less successful Wahlberg brother. While celebrity marriages face long odds, celebrity marriages where both spouses have clear calendars until their iPhones stop counting stand a remarkably good chance at success.

Mark Wahlberg was unable to attend the wedding because he didn’t have enough airline points. Also because he’s a Catholic who believes you charitably accept wayward whores, you don’t marry them. Everybody was happy for Donnie for bagging the busty blond so they could update his Wiki page for the first time in twenty years. Donnie’s already practiced his ‘no comment’ smile for when reporters ask him if he agrees with his wife that ebola is natural and just makes kids stronger.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Alena Blohm in Lingerie

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

Alena Blohm Poses For Fall Winter LOU Lingerie
Who doesn’t want something on underneath their clothes that makes them feel like a right proper whore. I once had a girlfriend who made me wear a pair of something other than muted color boxers and I felt like a million goddamn self-esteem points. My confidence skyrocketed, I asked the boss for a raise, I told my dad I didn’t want to be a cantor like he and his father before him, and I finally got calves after a decade of futility at the gym. It was like discovering you were from Krypton and not like all the other boys. I had sex with the girl at the office I never thought I could get. My girlfriend cried and dumped me. Her fault. I went back to gray boxers. That was too much power.

Photo Credit: LOU

Emma Stone Not Representing the U.S. Well

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:44 AM

Emma Stone Shows Off Her Cleavage At The Premiere Of 'Birdman' At The 71st Venice Film Festival
The powerhouse that is America may not be the shining light on the hill it once was, but we still stand for all things super-sized. Everything here is supposed to be big. We have big business, big cars, big round people, and we’re supposed to have big tits. It’s okay for your standard liberal arts college coed to have itty bitties, but when we send envoys around the world, they need big boobs that scream America. Emma Stone is kind of disappointing. She’s in Venice. We had a war there not so long ago. We don’t need bosomy Italian women laughing at our flat chested saplings. Now that I didn’t legally see them, I’m allowed to say that Kate Upton has big old jam filled mams. Certainly we can train her to act to the level of an Emma Stone. A year at an actor’s academy and some number of electrical shocks ought to suffice. This time next year, I want all Europeans once more scoffing at us stupid Americans and with our big bloated tits.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty

Marky Mark Is a No Show And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 01, 2014 @ 9:20 AM

451470372

Marky Mark Wahlberg decided to not attend the wedding of his brother Donnie to screeching succubus Jenny McCarthy. Maybe he hates her because she is a batshit crazy anti-vaxxer bitchhole or maybe it’s just that he likes being the only asshole in the room and doesn’t want to share the spotlight.

Read all about Marky Mark’s feely feelings. (Dlisted)

Playmate April Summers has some big ‘ol titty balls. (COED)

“The Jersey Shore Massacre” may be the best movie ever. By best movie I mean a huge pile of shit. (Huffington Post)

Freckle-faced Nadine Leopold is hot as fuck in this spread for Urban Outfitters. (Popoholic)

Arianna Grande wears a very short skirt on the Today Show. Very short. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nina Dobrev in a bikini on a yacht. Happy fucking Labor Day! (Egotastic)

I fucking hate Rihanna but appreciate her in a bikini. (The Superficial)

Gay Michael Sam Released

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:05 AM

Michael-Sam-in-Rams-Jersey

Gay Michael Sam did not make the final cut for the St. Louis Rams start of the season roster. This could mean an abrupt end to the ESPN investigation into how Sam’s teammates were handling his alluring gay penis in the locker room. I don’t mean literally handling. Or do I? ESPN 360 that shit. Michael Sam made history on draft day when he kissed his boyfriend with a mouth full of cake on national television to signify that men who open mouth kiss other men with mouths full of cake would now be accepted into the manly male club of the NFL. To the Rams, it signified that it was time to figure out a way to cut Sam all fairly and squarely and then cover their tracks:

Well, it was a football decision and it was no different than any other decision that we make. It was a football decision. It was a football decision back in May to draft Mike. And once again, it’s been all about football. — Jeff Fisher, Rams Head Coach

I’m sensing from Jeff Fisher that this was entirely a football decision. Fisher went on to document just how many snaps Sam took during preseason practices, how he had told Sam landing a roster spot would be tough from the beginning, and then holding hands with his fellow Rams staffers at the press conference and singing the LGBT Theme Song, which sounds remotely like Elton John’s Daniel. Somebody had to be first. Just like that black baseball player who was in the minors before Jackie Robinson but didn’t make the cut so nobody remembers his name or gives a shit. That’s probably Michael Sam’s fate after the next openly gay player becomes an MVP quarterback and gets an inspirational book series for young boys that parents refuse to allow in their house. History remembers the generals, not the soldiers.