Eva Longoria Also Had an Epic Response, So Epic, Her Vagina Inhaled Her Pants

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 8:18 AM

Eva Longoria In Really Tight Pants
Eva Longoria chastised journalists of the lifestyle section of an Australian newspaper for claiming she pretends to need glasses simply to push some designer eyewear to not necessarily Hispanic women at the 99-Cent store.

If you had done your journalistic duty (it’s actually not that hard, a more thorough google job, or one phone call to my camp and they could have provided you any documentation) you would see that I have been wearing READING glasses since May 3, 2013.

It does suck when journalists refuse to call your camp. Call my fucking camp! Minnetonka. I went on scholarship and all the rich kids took turns twisting my nipples and mocking my Keds. Fuck camp. Google my damn glasses. I first donned them on May 3, 2013. Everybody remembers the day they first wore glasses. The actual fucking day. Eva Longoria seems like the kind of twat who would wear empty frames just to appear hip. I think she also tossed the water balloon that made the dude from the Gin Blossoms drink himself to death. Say, what day in 2009 did you start wearing that bracelet? Never trust a woman whose vagina eats denim.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Vote For This Chick

By Matt July 29, 2015 @ 7:52 AM

Dane

Nikita Klaestrup is a chick who lives in Denmark and is active in conservative politics. This means she goes to official state functions bearing her tits and more than likely pockets enough phone numbers to win their crown in a landslide. It’s unclear exactly what she does but really who gives a shit. It’s Denmark. Let me know if there are any cool bicycle crash compilations on Youtube, beyond that keep just keep being weirdly morbid and eating your silent dinners. Nikita once lost an election where her platform was just putting her actual tits on a platform. She probably has a thing for American dudes in cowboy hats and would definitely help you skin a rabbit before you banged her on a polar bear rug in a cabin while bumping Yani. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, Denmark is too obscure and boring to have meaningful or funny stereotypes. I think they’re into heavy metal. Probably tit fucking. Pass the lutefisk.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Whitney Cummings Happy With Weight Gain

By Matt July 29, 2015 @ 7:08 AM

Cummnings

Bygone era sitcom star Whitney Cummings claims she is 32 years old. If you believe that you’re probably convinced Oswald acted alone. A little white lie never hurt anybody particularly when it’s off base enough for a laugh. Sometimes little kids claim to be Spider Man. It’s hilarious. Cummings recently gained 25 pounds and feels she looks better than she when she was skinnier. I feel everyone looks oddly desperate when delivering poor jokes to a laugh track:

“I did this weird thing that nobody likes to do anymore where I gained weight. I gained like 25 pounds, which I think I needed to. I was way too skinny before. They say you have to pick your ass or your face and I’m picking my face.”

You’re not supposed to pick your ass. Cummings stated that she uses something called NuFACE which is that ridiculous machine that blasts LED lights onto your face. She may own some stock in it. Failing that she’s just retarded. Cummings then went onto fart and talk about dildos and menstruation as you would expect. Much like Cummings, it never gets old. When’s bridge club?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

2 Chainz Down With Dorky Mayor

By Matt July 29, 2015 @ 6:22 AM

Hammond

Thomas McDermott is the mayor of Hammond Indiana, which is just outside of Chicago but sometimes on a moonless night you can still hear the bullets flying. McDermott recently shut down a concert by serial firearms offender Chief Keef, even though Keef only appeared as a hologram onstage, leading the officers to struggle with the cuffs like a cat chasing a laser pointer. McDermott wanted to show he’s no prude, so he made a point to pose with 2 Chainz and make sure the kids know he’s down with the hip hop, just not the stuff about guns and gangs and drugs and sex, so maybe he’s not really down with it at all and is embarrassing himself. Nonetheless he offered a super fake smile and probably took a hit of weed and said something quasi racist in the greenroom before excusing himself. As long as he approves of what you say, free speech will thrive in Hammond. Failing that he’ll be developing a hologram law enforcement team to hand lollipops out at high school football games. They work great because you can shoot them and nobody gets hurt. People are dancing. Bring in RoboCop.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Heidi Klum Bikini Vacation With Young Dick

By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 2:04 PM

Heidi Klum And Vito Schnabel Bikini Vacation In Sardinia
Things got serious between Heidi Klum and that young guy she’s been fucking for the past year when she dropped the “love’ word on social media. Heidi has been touring the Riviera with Vito the Cock to celebrate his twenty-something birthday. Heidi explained to her children that mommy needs to leave for a while because she cums harder on high purity silica sand which can only be found outside North America. Mom works super hard. Should she have to apologize for wanting to grind some young dick? Not if you don’t want the metal hangers, you repressive little fucks. Stop ruining everything. Seal!

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Nina Dobrev’s Bikinied Titties And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 28, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Nina Dobrev was spotted bikining on a yacht and the result is pretty sexy. I wish my life consisted of lounging around on a yacht. Maybe if I looked like Nina and not like fat Seth Rogen then I could get away with that.

Behold her bikini-covered jubblies. (The Superficial)

Maja Krag lets her titties free for some air. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Dude, Stella Maxwell makes me happy in my pants. (TMZ)

Hulk Hogan also doesn’t like the gays. (Dlisted)

Gigi Hadid’s spread for Topshop is muy caliente. (COED)

Pro golfer Paige Spiranac has got some killer legs. (Busted Coverage)

Sexy girlies with tats. (The Chive)

Kylie Jenner Probably Married

By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 11:12 AM

Kylie Jenner Has Ring On Her Finger
Kylie Jenner flashed a sizable diamond band on her left ring finger, fueling speculation that she’s not particularly smart but puts out like a champ. The concern for Kylie’s fake high school grad night elopement second only to the concern nobody is expressing for Tyga who is entering a long line of men ruined by the Kardashian family. There’s the allure of seventeen year old stacked sex pot ass play and then there’s the long horizon. I’d chat up Lamar and the corpse of Dead Bob and the former testicles of Bruce Jenner before producing anything in conjugal. Who will look out for the statutory raping rappers, the most vulnerable among us?

Photo Credit: Instagram

Hailey Baldwin And Ireland Baldwin Find Their Purpose

By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:39 AM

Hailey Baldwin And Ireland Baldwin Kissing Cousins At Mission Impossible Premiere
Hailey Baldwin and cousin Ireland Baldwin mouth kissed on the red carpet of the Mission Impossible premiere because Ireland Baldwin was just cured of her booze and lesbianism and this was her first real test. You never know how you’re treatment will hold in the field until your hot cousin is looking to swap spit. Tom Cruise could only clench his toes and hold back three decades of tear-filled regret. Everyone agreed that this was at least as good as the movie itself, if not slightly less derivative.

Photo Credit: Getty