Lindsay Lohan Closes the Chapter

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 12:53 PM

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Lindsay Lohan was pronounced clear of all charges and punishments though not sexually transmitted diseases by an L.A. judge who reviewed her community service logs from the past couple of weeks and declared her debt to society paid in full. The judge profusely thanked Lohan’s attorney for making sure the community service bit got finished, merited since at least half the hours were performed by her attorney in a Lohan wig. This ends an era of eight straight years of probation for Lohan for her various crimes and misdemeanors. Lohan’s cruel path should serve as a reminder to others considering a life of drinking and driving and drugs and body checking your mom away from your stash and casual sex partners that you too could face a ton of probation, or as black people call it, jail time. Everybody’s wondering what Lindsay will do next now that she is finally free to associate with known drug felons at all hours and locations without any supervision or check-ins. Bet embracing her sobriety and picking up her acting career if you like the long odds. Don’t worry, children, Helper Lindsay will be back by September to finish Go, Dog Go!

Photo credit: Getty Images

Toni Garrn Bikini Sandwich

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 12:24 PM

Toni Garrn Super Model Sandwich
Once you’ve been repeatedly penetrated by DiCaprio there’s an air of invincibility around you akin to those who’ve seen brutal combat. You’re in a special club with limited members, not super limited, but you know, in the scheme of the total female population of the world, it’s still tiny. You form instant bonds with others who have gone through the same. You can spot an imposter trying to trade up a Luxor suite night with David Spade in ’03 into a weekend riding DiCaprio’s cock on a yacht off San Remo. It’s not something you necessarily asked for or something you’re consciously proud of, but it happened and you wield the power of survivors. I’m pretty sure you also get twenty percent off at participating Denny’s restaurants. Hellcats!

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Women of Hollywood Can’t Catch a Break

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 11:36 AM

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It’s hard to imagine a more self-evidently pointless task than asking a group of successful women in Hollywood how Hollywood denies success to women. But it’s now the daily sport of magazines and trade papers who have editors demanding horrible sexism in Hollywood stories because that’s their agenda. We used to say, because that’s their job, but, you know, times change.

In the big Hollywood Reporter piece on how tough the industry is on female comedic actresses, a bunch of the funny ladies gripe about how the business is so heavily looks based and superficial, without mention to that fact they are all superficially good looking and working sixteen jobs. Dunham is the home on prom night outlier, but don’t think she too doesn’t suffer fools:

I heard a guy on my show say into his microphone: ‘I hate this job. I can’t wait to be back on a show where there’s a man at the helm.’ Later, that same guy came up to me at lunch and said, ‘You’re really enjoying that buffet, aren’t you?’ He’s the worst person alive. I hope he reads this, which he won’t because he’s drunk.

Dunham declined to name the guy because she’s classy, or she’s just making shit up again as she has routinely in the past to support her arguments. This article complements the recent interview with Maggie Gyllenhaal about how she was informed she was too old to play the love interest of a male character in his 50′s.

There are things that are really disappointing about being an actress in Hollywood that surprise me all the time. I’m 37, and I was told recently I was too old to play the lover of a man who was 55. It was astonishing to me. It made me feel bad, and then it made me feel angry, and then it made me laugh.

That’s a whirlwind of emotions that I’d bet my life didn’t get past anger. Gyllenhaal also refused to mention any details, like the role, the producer, the director, the actors involved, or provide any context to the sexist charge because questioning this authenticity of this anecdote is in it itself sexist. I’m certain the sewing slaves assembling these ladies’ outfits are passing around the Hollywood Reporter and lamenting what $150,000 an episode of oppression must feel like. It’s okay to cry, Thiri Aung. Now back to the work bench in your diaper. Your fifteen seconds of me time is over.

Ice Cube Not Down With the Hebrews And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 28, 2015 @ 11:00 AM

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A guy named P. Taras claims that Ice Cube and his boys beat the crap out of him because he’s Jewish. Apparently, Taras bumped into Mr. Cube in the elevator of the MGM Detroit and that led to an anti-Semitic fueled beat down. Ice Cube says he’s down with the Hebrews and it’s all bullshit. Taras is suing for 2 million Are We There Yet dollars.

Read the tale of the jewish guy and the rapper. (TMZ)

Courtney Stodden’s mom quits as his manager after learning that her daughter is a whore. (The Superficial)

The time the Internet fat shamed Daenerys Targaryen. (Dlisted)

Samantha Hoopes in a bikini is a good thing. (COED)

Justin Bieber having a Nerf fight with his girlfriend Kevin Durant. (Busted Coverage)

Amanda Seyfried topless in a play is why I love the theater. (Drunken Stepfather)

Irina Shayk’s cleavage will make your head explode. (Popoholic)

Lindsey Pelas Jungle Girl (VIDEO)

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

I’m not sure what the Standard Industrial Classification Code is for okay looking chicks with big hooters but there are more Americans employed in this sector than industrial manufacturing. Some day the Chinese will figure out how to make blond girls with big fake tits and that may change, but it’s 2015 and we still dominate this niche. We’ve seen Lindsey Pelas bounce her tubes while jogging before. In this thoughtful followup, she’s portraying jungle girl, the comic book character Aquaman will transform into once he becomes fully gender aware. If she loved her country, she’d remove her top. There’s no room for demure in the jungle.

Photo credit: Mike Saffels

Vagina Dad Saving His Nickels

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 9:40 AM

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Turning into a woman has any number of challenges. Not the least of which is affording a new wardrobe. Bruce Jenner is trying to get a wrongful death civil suit filed by the step-kids of the woman he traffic killed in Malibu earlier this year thrown out of court. Jenner claims that the plaintiffs barely had any contact with their stepmom and never relied on her for financial support. Also, they were only a couple years younger than their stepmom because that’s just how Hollywood rolls.

Vagina Dad has been successful in having this deadly traffic collision kept out of the public eye mostly by promising to make his kids cry on national TV. People get killed everyday in car accidents, it’s been a while since a former Olympic decathlete cut off his wang and started wearing Versace. Nevertheless, Jenner doesn’t need the ghost of the broad he killed hanging over his ten million dollar summer sex change special. Look for $500,000 to get kicked quietly to the opportunistic kids and for Bruce to take the middle name Kim in honor of their mom he pushed into oncoming traffic. There’s no reason everybody can’t come out of this a little bit richer for the experience.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Miley Cyrus’ Nipple Gets Jane Fonda More Episodes

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 9:19 AM

Miley Cyrus Nip Slip
A social media thumbs up from Miley Cyrus alone can get a TV show renewed. The AARP comedy Grace and Frankie starring Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as two golden girls striking out together after their husbands run off with each other got approved for a second season seconds after Miley Cyrus got super baked and tweeted the show was crazy good. Through the magic of sharing her nipples on Instagram and the tens of millions of people who stay tuned to her y’all shoutouts, Miley now has the power to tank or greenlight a series. This only seems shitty when compared to the nerd revolts that have previously brought back shows like Community or Arrested Development to dot coms based on Irkutsk.

TV executives have forever lacked sac when it comes to making programming decisions. Supposing that a late night social media plug from a demographic that will never watch their show is reason to move forward with a series is par for the course. None of this should matter until the FCC takes control of the digital broadband and our two viewing options become West Wing re-runs and the Ellen Show. Senators talking about the antisocial statements in Game of Thrones are only step one in the future neutering. When tits are deemed against the public interest, you’ll have about six months left to record the shit out of your favorite shows and store them in your bunker. Look to the Southern Skies. A lot more Grace and Frankie is coming.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rashida Jones Worried Porn Might Be Bad

By Lex May 28, 2015 @ 8:55 AM

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Rashida Jones wants to warn girls that getting involved in porn at eighteen may not be your ticket to fame and fortune, at least not the happy version where your dad is Quincy Jones and you get to make documentary films about how bad porn is. Jones’ film, Hot Girls Wanted, which you will probably see by accident, shows how young women are lured on Craigslist into amateur porn gigs they somehow believe are not porn porn, just, you know, porn. Somewhere in the process of getting STD tested, signing their release forms stating exactly what’s expected of them, and being told to fuck a big black cock pretending to be their stepdad for three hundred dollars, they ought to pick up on it.

“Ultimately, we have a cultural problem where we put a huge currency on sexualizing young girls. It’s been a problem for a while, but I feel like it’s reached a fever pitch.”

Naturally, the eons of the exploitation of girls has hit a new low right during your prime filmmaking years. Nothing like in the past when juvenile girls were forced into marriages, routinely raped and savaged, sold as property, and most of this quite younger than the modern age of eighteen as consent. Actually, much of that horrific caveman shit still happens in Islamic nations daily, but Nigeria isn’t as nearly as nice a place to shoot a documentary as Los Angeles.

Rashida Jones insists she’s not anti-porn, she’s just made a movie warning women not to get into porn, which would thereby cut off the flow of new performers and destroy porn as we know it. Her sham cover that ‘girls don’t understand that amateur porn is really just regular old pro porn’ is nonsense. I’d respect her more if she just protested with signs outside that Hollywood Hills home with the infinity pool where they shoot the content. It’s okay for women to despise porn just as much as it’s okay for men to love porn. The NSA is keeping all the records. Lying is simply pointless.

Photo credit: Getty Images