You spend enough time passed out in a pool of your own waste and you learn a little something called perspective. Last week Elizabeth Banks was interviewed about directing Pitch Perfect 2 and took a totally unprovoked shot at Tara Reid:
There was a group of us girls coming up. A lot of us are surviving. Some of us are not. I used to go to auditions with Tara Reid. So, you know, we didn’t all make it. We’re not all still here.
We get it, Eazy-E. You had to survive the street before you could survive the business. But what’s with the drive-by at Tara Reid? You still holding onto laments from twenty years ago when Reid went full casting couch anal while you were hanging hopes on your Jane Austen monologues? Somebody found Tara Reid in a bar in Cabo and asked her about Elizabeth Banks disparaging her curriculum vitae:
I’ve always been a fan of Bank’s work and that’s sad to hear she said those things about me.
See, Banks. Is it that hard to lie and save everybody some hurt feelings? When Tara Reid has the moral high ground you need to leave town. Quit begrudging her American Pie. You’ve got Pitch Perfect 2. Make the fat girl do something funny and let’s empower other women for a change. There’s simply too much tearing down. I am more feminist than any of these posers. Where’s my award?
Rihanna wore a completely see-through outfit at the Met Gala after-party because you probably can’t name one of her albums, but you can probably trace her tits with your eyes closed. She’s a groundbreaking musical artist in the genre of being mostly naked. She was about the first celebrity to have her smart phone photos hacked. She didn’t give a shit. She turned it into gold. I think she’s smarter than you. I know she’s smarter than me. I’d hug her if I wasn’t afraid of Caribbean AIDS.
Miley Cyrus wore a thong to help her friend Zoe Kravitz sell records. She’s also helping gay teen runaways because Miley infers she too has dabbled in the lesbian arts, though it’s not clear if this was with lesbian teen runaways. They probably don’t complain a lot and if they do, well, there simply aren’t many questions asked when they go missing. Cyrus is going to write a bunch of inspiring songs about love and acceptance that these teens can listen to while turning tricks in the park. You may recall last year Miley befriended an out of work male model from Oregon who was homeless because he was too embarrassed to tell everyone back home he hadn’t book any paying gigs. Also, he was running from a warrant. Those kinds of stories are moving. And one reason Miley died her armpit hair pink:
“The pink pits are saying, ‘Don’t tell me what to do. It’s back to what I’m preaching in a way, you know, telling these kids. I’m not just saying you be yourself and I’m going to go be Miley Cyrus. I’m saying I’m going to be my fucking self, too.”
I’m sure that makes more sense when you’re super fucking high. Sometimes it’s enough just to want to make a difference. At least I hope so.
Sarah Jessica Parker snuck onto the red carpet of the Met Gala screaming, I used to be one of you! Police tranquilized her more than she already was, boxed her, and FedExed her to Estonia where Square Pegs is the top rated show on television. Everyone agreed that Parker was insane and promised to attend a fundraiser for the twins she bought a few years back. Nude was in this year for gowns. Also, Kendall Jenner showed off her tits, which she has affirmed is the best way for people to like her. All the girls complimented each other on their prettiness even as they lamented the fact they only make 947% of their male counterparts. Wait for the HBO documentaries and you’ll see just how hard life is for the wealthy and good looking.
I know. You got drugged and raped by Bill Cosby too. We need a May 31, 2015 moratorium on women coming forward to claim Cosby raped them in the (enter decade)’s. Not because your accusation isn’t true, but because it is true and you’re the thirty-fifth woman to come forward. You didn’t have to be first, but thirty-fifth? In a way, you’re actually distracting from the relatively early accusers and the salient charges. I’m sorry you were assaulted by this sinister asshole, but this is how history works. It rewards the timely. We’ll make insignia rings for the members of this unfortunate club to identify one another. You’ll be at the Denver airport in the women’s room and spot your same ring on another woman. Maybe you won’t say anything. You won’t have to. You’ll just nod your head to one another both thinking, damn, if that bitch would’ve said something forty years ago, I might not have had the Jell-O pudding guy rubbing his jizz in my hair in the Diamond Suite at Harrah’s. Life is more painful than ironic.
Madonna went on YouTube to pretend to answer impromptu questions from her fans while making sure to keep her face at a 43-degree angle to the camera for even one degree off and her skeleton appears to dance. Just past the two minute mark, she reads a question about that awkward make-out session with Drake at Coachella and fired off her an obviously canned response, “I kissed a girl and I liked it.” That’s what the young kids call throwing shade. Madonna could’ve benefitted from a pause to pretend it wasn’t written by her assistant. Also that her intense hair bleach wasn’t causing her hearing aids to malfunction. At the eight minute mark, she makes mention of Drake again, claiming he begged her to come up on stage and stick her tongue down his throat while she remained hesitant since she’s 57 and even her mouth herpes are getting long in the tooth. We may never know the truth behind both sides allegations. The fortunate part being we don’t care.
Sean “Diddy” Combs made a commercial for his new cologne featuring his real life girlfriend’s exposed pierced tits and him hate fucking her in a chokehold. I’ve always found him annoying yet this is his best work to date. Considering it’s an ad for a fifty dollar bottle of worcetershire sauce that’s more of an indictment than a compliment. How much does Sting hate you and can you give his kids a PA job? The fragrance is called “3 am” which is roughly how late you’ll be up on Tinder before ordering some bad Chinese and falling asleep in a pool of your own saddened semen while marinating yourself in bad decisions. It’s called the NASDAQ look it up. Dudes who use cologne are hilarious tools. Your chick will pay you to throw it away. Pluck those eyebrows.
Actor Seth Gillam who plays a cop on The Walking Dead got busted for going 107 miles per hour in a 106 zone while wasted out of his gourd. According to rumors I made up in my head, Gillam thought he would fist bump the cops and they’d compliment him on his work but in reality he was barely spared the pepper spray. You should never drink and drive. Not because it’s especially dangerous it’s just not worth the hassle. That being said if you’re going to do it go big or go home. Nobody wants to be the dude who loses the 100 meters by a thousandth of a microsecond. A better story is you spent the night banging Ukrainian hookers and were wheeled across the finish line in a wheelbarrow while covering Meatloaf on your ukulele. Similarly if you’re going to get popped by a DUI you want to be Keith Moon status as opposed to barely over the limit like Charlie Sheen on the morning of Jesus’ Birthday. Gillam will no doubt apologize but I have no beef. If you run over a pregnant lady we’re going to have words. Blame it on Tom Petty.