Oscar Pistorius Gets But A Few Months in the Hoosegow

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 11:03 AM


Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years in prison for culpable homicide, which is South Africa’s version of, don’t blast your gun through closed doors in your house because you thought you heard something, asshole. He was acquitted of the actual intentional killing of his hot model girlfriend because everyone agreed that hot models are easier to replace in this world than legless Olympic gold medalists. Pistorious will be eligible for house arrest after just ten months of segregated special prison time assuming the mansion is big enough for his liking. He will also be eligible for parole after half his sentence, at which point he will become the first bionic line cook in South African history.

Pistorius showed no emotion during sentencing, kind of like a killer. This was in sharp contrast to the crocodile tears that dripped incessantly during the trial phase as he continued to regret not making up a black intruder to pin the shooting on originally. Pistorius’ lawyers were seeking a lighter sentence, but the judge had the gumption to recall that Pistorius admittedly shot the only other person in his house and apparently thought an intruder broke into his bathroom and screamed just like his girlfriend. South Africans judicially aligned with the dead girlfriend camp felt the sentence was too light based on celebrity justice grounds but if it’s any consolation, Pistorius will definitely have his swank blades stolen in the joint and have to shower with his head at dick level. Blast away, fellas.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Victoria’s Secret Models Sell Better Without Lingerie

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 10:39 AM

Nude Angels Abbey Lee Kershaw
As much as it will cost a small Asian village a week of textile wages, a few child starvations are the price of seeing a bunch of Victoria’s Secret models without their lingerie. Underwear is but a contrivance of a polite society. An artificial waste of time that I would insist only apply to the male population were I the handsomest President ever. Jesus weeps when nice tits are covered. I’m pretty sure that’s from Gospels.

These photos are from the Angels book by Russell James which features a bunch of the Victoria’s Secret models topless as well as Kendall Jenner rolled up in a naked ball just because that’s a good way to sell copies. Fuck, that’s a good way to sell anything. Yes, that is Kendall Jenner rolled up naked in the back of my ’97 Subaru Outback just like I wrote in my Craigslist ad. Now, how about you write me a fat $700 check and take them both.

Photo Credit: Russell James

Hilaria Baldwin Slowly Killing Alec Baldwin

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 9:45 AM

Hilaria Baldwin Does A Yoga Pose With A Banana In A Pumpkin Patch
The idea of hooking up with a yoga instructor half your age seems like a great idea until you come to in a pumpkin patch with an a toddler and a frisky bitch insisting you yoga pose her with a banana in her mouth. It’s not that older drunken sods don’t need their whistle wetted. It’s that they don’t need this shit. The shit you put up with when you’re a young and willing to act like a guy in a romantic comedy montage because you know it ends with sex in your dirty apartment bathtub. You get to a certain age when you just want a couple or four gin and gins and the chance to go scream obscenities in the street. You don’t need a baby. You need your custom European street bike and a cop to berate in the park. You can have Belinda from TopEscorts.com stop by on Tuesdays and Thursday to handle the finer points.

I most recently saw this same what the fuck am I doing look on the face of James Gandolfini with his new young wife and baby. I give Alec six months to live. Oh, how this yoga instructor is going to ball her eyes out up to and through the reading of the will. He was such a good man.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Blake Lively Pregnancy Tits

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 9:11 AM

Blake Lively Busty While Pregnant At Angel Ball 2014
I can respect a woman who shares her pregnancy tits with the whole world. Daring to bare while with child used to be considered taboo. Pregnant woman covered themselves in unflattering oversized garments and hid their offspring until fully birthed and cooing in the pram. It took the fabulously progressive Hollywood to say, hey, pregnancy looks beautiful on a woman and just imagine how many future jobs we’re creating for undocumented immigrants. Open tops, open borders, I stand with Blake Lively and her breasts.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI

Nobody Bitches Like College Grads

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 8:58 AM


I thought we had agreed as a capitalist society that when you buy something you can’t afford, that’s sort of your fault. When somebody loses their mortgage in Vegas, we all chime in that they learned a valuable lesson. When the hot trophy wife gets a middle aged man in massive credit card debt, we all say that tool had a good run while it lasted. But somehow the college racket is different. You take out high risk markers up the wazoo and when you find yourself deep in debt you can’t afford, you pitch a fit on Wall Street or write Huff Po editorials decrying the system.

If you’re looking to expand your horizons on the history of art or fine literature of learn some ancient Mayan, flipping fantastic. It’s great to be well-rounded. Now pay for it. It’s relatively inexpensive at in-state colleges. It’s far more expensive at private schools. If you’re interested in learning computer engineering or accounting or nursing, far better because you will actually find a job to pay back your loans.

The government bears a large responsibility. Not just for driving up the cost of college through subsidies, but because they sell this nonsense line of ‘must go to college’ here’s some guaranteed loans you certainly don’t qualify for that will crush you in the future. They’re the ultimate hucksters. Before you let some 18-year old borrow a nickel, put up a big fucking Impact font disclaimer they must read aloud: it is almost certain I will never make back this loan money and I will be in wretched debt forever. I still agree not to be a super bitch and ask everybody else to cover me when this happens, because it will. Signed me and my stupid parents if I’m not yet eighteen. Now then, shut the fuck up and eat the shit cake you just baked.

Cam’ron Hawks Ebola Gear

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 7:29 AM


For every national media scare there is a promotional product for sale. That’s what makes this country great. We turn ginned up cable news stories into opportunities for licensed merchandise.¬†Occasional rapper and assault victim Cam’ron is selling an Ebola Mask on his group’s website with his face on it. The mask retails for $19.99 and is designed specifically for Ebola and being taunted until you kill yourself:

“Wrap it up and protect yourself from Ebola just like Killa Cam! PRE-ORDER – Ships 11/7/14. Provides complete protection while remaining light and comfortable. Polypropylene outer facing offers a soft, fluid protection barrier while the cellulose inner facing assures comfort and breathability.”

Of course this mask wouldn’t protect you from the common cold, let alone Ebola, and anyone who would believe so lacks the twenty bucks required to make the purchase in the first place. It’s unclear if this is an inside joke on Cam’ron’s part or if his fans are just exceptionally dim. My money’s on the latter. If you should ever see someone wearing this spit in their eyeball and tell them you have Ebola. This should not go unpunished.

Photo Credit: Dipset.com 

Soccer Player Goes Out On Top (VIDEO)

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 7:01 AM

An Indian soccer player died after injuring himself doing flips while celebrating a goal. One could take the easy way out and mock the guy, but he should be commended. Most people die far removed from the glory days of yesteryear, telling boring half truths to people who are staring at their veins. You’re at the height of your game feeling the wind beneath your balls while you hurl yourself through the air as the entire assembled crowd virtually fellates you. Peter Biaksangzuala may have never topped that moment. Get in there, leave your mark, and go out with a bang. Take pride in knowing your story will be told in bars and frat parties around the world for the next thousand years. You have given us the greatest gift of all. The gift of some shit to talk about.

Carmen Electra Resurfaces (VIDEO)

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

Carmen Electra appeared on Oprah’s “Where Are They Now?” and talked about her marriage to Dennis Rodman and some other shit that even Oprah couldn’t pretend to care about any more. Getting screen time is a bitch these days, so why not dredge up some old gossip for a younger generation of unemployed single parents and stay at home chardonnay drinking divorcees who can still locate Oprah on their Magnavox floor units.

“Our relationship was very passionate. When it was good, it was amazing. And when it was bad, it was the worst.”

Often times gigantic cross-dressing manic depressive alcoholics are a bit volatile. Few people needed this update, but the subject matter is neither here nor there. Electra wants you to know she is still a hot piece of ass and is available for acting in the role of escort or real escort work if the price is right. Naturally, Oprah gets a taste. If this were charity, she’d build another rape school in Africa.