Brooke Shields Is a Crappy Escort

By Lex February 08, 2016 @ 8:42 AM


Richard Lugner is that Austrian mall developer who pays half a million to one Hollywood celebrity chick every year to be his date to the grand Viennese Opera opening. Fifty bucks gets you a street hooker. Half a million buys you a B-list celebrity and a vague promise of a happy ending. The parts are dusty but the instinct finely oiled.

In the past Lugner has invited Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian and other infamous female celebrities who will sit on his lap and titter and indulge a dirty old rich man for cash. This year he invited Brooke Shields. He must be channeling a little dementia on seeing Brooke suntanned and underaged in the Blue Lagoon just last week. Shields is now fifty and married and her last three books were on postpartum rage, menopause, and home electrolysis. In the very least, your negotiating skills suck. Trump would’ve brought her in at two-fifty then made her apologize for aging and dry vagina.

Octogenarian industrialist just went through seven glasses of something bubbly. Wake him in the morning with a slap on his compression stockings, call him a wicked devil, and ask for a bank check. Your kids will never thank you for putting them through college. Not enough.

Photo credit: FameFlynet


NAACP Awards Solve Everything

By Lex February 08, 2016 @ 7:27 AM


Anthony Anderson hosted the NAACP Image Awards and declared that the auditorium looked like the real America because the real America is 98.9% black according to Wikipedia. Not Anderson’s fault.

Look at all of these beautiful shades of people in the audience. Hollywood needs to know that this is what diversity is supposed to look like.”

Anderson seems like a decent enough dude who lounged into the simplistic me-too hashtag that the Oscar voters are racists and in contrast that an award ceremony dedicated solely to black Americans is diversity. If the NAACP invites you anywhere, you are fairly obliged to rip on whitey. Personally, I’d launch a Eddie Murphy routine on how stupid white people look when they dance followed by a Black Panther salute and a tearful Maya Angelou poem recitation about how hard it is to be black and a crappy poet. Also, a caged bird. I’d shoutout to Oprah, naturally, followed by an Obama can’t catch a break apology, and then just point silently to Will Smith. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s mandatory. You’re either for us or against us. What sentiment could encourage diversity more than that?

Photo credit: NAACP Image Awards

Feminists Want a Win Before They Die

By Lex February 08, 2016 @ 6:20 AM


Aging feminists are literally dying to see a woman in the White House. Any woman. Hillary Clinton is the last chance. While Bernie Sanders clearly represents the more 60′s socialist dreamer wing of the party and Clinton represents the old school practical women who made a ton of compromises and concessions in their life for their lesser men, she’s got a vagina. Don’t think about it. Her Presidency is the last shot at symbolic victory.

Gloria Steinem among older scary plastic surgery riddled women have been accusing the factions of millennial women pulling for old man Bernie of being ditzy sell outs who just want to be popular among the hunky boys. That seems super sexist, mostly because it is. Also extremely politically convenient, like feminism itself. Figure out what you want then back into a sexist patriarchal male privilege argument why you’re not getting it.

Madeleine Albright upped the stakes while stumping for Hillary, speaking out to young women:

We can tell our story of how we climbed the ladder, and a lot of you younger women think it’s done. It’s not done. There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other!

Vote for Hillary or Beelzebub gets your soul? Those are high stakes. Also a circular argument if you’re the half of America who believes Clinton actually is the devil.

There are only two reasonably rationale reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton. Ted Cruz has an obvious penis nose or you just think it would be awesome to have a woman in charge because you’re not a student of history and unable to assess how that has meant zilch on the awesome scale in any other nation in the world where it’s occurred. Not even less war, as is popularly imagined. Clinton in particular is highly more likely to engage in overseas military adventures than Bernie Sanders from within the two Democratic primary options.

Gender politics are worse than racial politics because at least racial minorities are actual minorities. They are by sheer lack of numbers the de facto underdogs. For all the feminist errors of statistical omission, there are more women than men in this country. Also more college educated women. Also more women with breasts than men, though Bruce Jenner made it slightly closer. The straight rising line at which women are gaining power over men in this country is sharp, consistent and inevitable. There will be a female President at some point in the near future. Picking the sinister chick who has fucked over tons of women because you want to claim Pyrrhic victory before death seems rather shallow. What would Susan B. Anthony do? I mean, after all the closeted lesbian sex was over.

Mr. Skin and Naked News Just $4 A Month for Super Bowl Weekend

By Lex February 05, 2016 @ 4:55 PM


There’s one and only one rule at my Super Bowl party. You may not shit in the toilet. Shit before. Shit after. You are not destroying the bathroom. I’m serving nachos. I have no yard. Plan accordingly.

The god-fearing radicalized pornographers at Mr. Skin have launched a special Super Bowl offer of $4 per month for a membership over the Super Bowl weekend. That’s something close to 70% off.  It’s like you’re stealing. Fucking thief.

Just $4 month for Mr. Skin memberships

Also, just $4 a month for Naked News, with 20% more vagina than before.

Personally, I dig Mr. Skin, if you do too, you should buy it now when it’s on special. If you don’t because it’s simply not your thing or naked women frighten you and you want to hug a bus driver and tell him he smells nice, that’s okay too. This is called Native Advertising. I just want you to feel comfortable.


Charlotte McKinney Is America

By Lex February 05, 2016 @ 12:12 PM

Charlotte McKinney Is Amazing
It’s old-fashioned and almost un-American these days, but Charlotte McKinney gets up every morning, greases up her enormous tits, and goes wherever the cameras are. She doesn’t bitch about objectification or express dismay about Verlander cum shot photos being leaked. She smiles and asks for overtime. It’s the blue collar mentality that made this nation the envy of the world. Strap on those work boots and ice down those nipples. That’s the work bell, Flintstone.

Photo Credit: GQ Mexico

Josh Duggar Off The Hook And Shit Around The Web

By Michael February 05, 2016 @ 12:00 PM


It turns out that porn “actress” Danica Dillon lied about Josh Duggar having roughed her up during sex. So, I guess Josh is not so bad. Oh, except for that whole “him fondling his little sisters” thing.

Imagine that. A hooker lying. What a world! (TMZ)

The Mexican cops want to talk to Kate Del Castillo about that whole El Chapo thing. (Last Men On Earth)

WWE Hall of Famer Tammy Lyn Sytch released a sex tape for Vivid. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Natalie Dormer shows some major cleavage at the Zoolander 2 premiere. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nina Agdal does the whole bikini thing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jaimie Alexander’s legs make me feel funny in my crotch. (Popoholic)

I do like big floppy titties. (The Chive)

Jessica Alba IPOing her Szechuan Diapers

By Lex February 05, 2016 @ 11:04 AM

Jessica Alba Cleavy Bikini For Cosmo
Jessica Alba didn’t just whine about pay inequality for women who can’t act so well, she did something about it. She founded an all-natural, organic, baby-healthy products company which sources its products in the factories in China modestly hosed out in between rounds of generic battery making. The Honest Company is brutally honest in rationalizing why they produce their upscale Westside baby products in or around Guangdong, summing it up by declaring the Chinese aren’t all horrible and Jessica slathers her own children in the overpriced shit so it must be safe. Lawsuits aside, the Honest company is working with banks for a billion dollar IPO that will make Alba richer than she could’ve ever been even if she’d been willing to show her tits in movies instead of using CGI and body doubles. Good for her. That rash on your baby’s rectum in the spitting image of Mao is perfectly natural. Read the brochure. House Bamboo Soaring Bird. Not my fault you never bothered to learn Mandarin.

Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan

Adele Cited for Sexual Harassment

By Lex February 05, 2016 @ 10:33 AM


When the Sexual Misconduct Office and the Gender + Equality Center at Oklahoma University got together, you just knew magic was about to happen. It’s like peanut butter and chocolate, if those snack foods had unchecked Title 9 funding and were immensely unhappy with themselves because dad wanted sons. February is Stalking Awareness Month in case not indicated on your BDSM Latvian model wall calendar. The Gender + Equality Center at OU celebrated by distributing one-sheets around campus with popular song lyrics that wittingly or unwittingly or not at all promote sexual harassment:

“The music examples were used to demonstrate how aspects of popular media could be interpreted to normalize unhealthy relationship behaviors.

Adele’s song Hello is about a chick who dumped her boyfriend and either wants him back or just feels like she needs to apologize which is a super obvious lame cover for wanting somebody back. I just called to say I’m so sorry, should we meet at a motel and fuck twice or thrice? I’m in between boyfriends and kind of horny. Again, so sorry, so is that a yes?

Adele leaves this dude a ton of voicemails. Presumably in a throaty melisma. We all know the chick in that song. She’s super fucking annoying. But if she were sexually harassing you’d probably still be together because that’s kind of hot, even with a plump British chick.

The OU Center also used Adam Levine Maroon 5 lyrics as an example of sexually harassing lyrics in popular music. By happenstance picking the one male singer who every woman on this planet big and small could beat up rather easily. None of this is likely to diminish the real instances of dudes with a screw loose picking on women who they hold accountable for their small penises. But as government grants go, spend it or lose it. Plus Tammy’s sister runs a graphic’s arts business out of her house. Remember when college used to be about studying and exams and learning? No, me either. Why does Bernie Sanders want more of this?