Charlotte McKinney Seems Especially Titty Today

By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Charlotte McKinney Busty In Spandex While Leaving DWTS Practice

Normally I’d follow this chick wherever she was headed. It could be Tampon Depot and I’d enter pretending I had legitimate business in the establishment. What? My invalid mom is spotting. Who wants to judge me now? But the place she’s heading is Dancing with the Stars. They use girls like this to make you believe there’s a heterosexual component to the competition. The next thing you know Michael Sam is in sparkles dedicating his rumba to the prejudice that kept him from being a Hall of Fame lineman and some guy with a British accent is using the word delicious as a noun. Avert your eyes from these tits or the next time we speak you’ll overly excited about rumors Frankie Muniz is going to visit with Ellen. It’s a trap.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Cops Release Selfie Of Thief

By Matt March 06, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

Selfie

Some chick in Selden New York, population sad, printed a whole bunch of photos at a Walgreens and left the store without paying for them. Unfortunately there were records of the images including this one which clearly identifies her as a small town seven. Police have released the photo and are offering a $500 reward for information leading to her arrest or her phone number. We can make this disappear. You a fan of the Islanders? Shit what about chili dogs and mango juice? Alright we’re getting nowhere here. Spread ‘em. If you know her give her a ring. She owes you 500 bucks.

Photo Credit: SuffolkCountyNy.gov 

Elle Macpherson Super Human

By Matt March 06, 2015 @ 7:04 AM

Mac

Fifty year old Elle Macpherson did a photo shoot to promote Superelixer, a bullshit drink they sell at Whole Foods to women not nearly as hot as Elle Macpherson. I realized advertising was for stupid desperate people when I bought my first Jordans and promptly double dribbled and broke my ankle. Macpherson is the hottest fifty year old on record and when she passes away 200 years from now her body should be donated to science so lonely researchers can fuck her corpse and finally invent the cure for annoying. Or maybe displayed outside of a McDonald’s in the airport to shame people into getting their act together. Macpherson credits a proper diet and exercise along with her stupid drink for maintaining her looks. Also she’s clearly a cyborg who Phillip K Dick developed in his boink lab. Jesus would I love to talk Ed Sullivan with her over a boiling pot of kale. God bless you woman.

Susan Sarandon Ditches The Pool Boy

By Matt March 06, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

JB

68 year old progressive temptress Susan Sarandon has broken up with her 37 year old boyfriend because he was obsessively filming their private life for a reality show. Also he didn’t seem super interested in finding her G spot. Besides sharing a cosmic connection, Sarandon is an investor in Bricklin’s ping pong company which he uses to bill himself as the twelfth most interesting man in the world. The couple shared an apartment and a 31 year age difference, meaning Sarandon was considered a cougar while Bricklin was transitioning out of diapers. The reality show will premier later this month on AOL which you can watch or just troll through PornHub’s comprehensive Milf section for better results.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Musicians Will Work For Food

By Matt March 06, 2015 @ 6:02 AM

Cops

The hipster band duo Ex Cops are pissed at McDonald’s because the company asked them to play a show without pay at South By Southwest in exchange for free exposure and at 20-piece chicken nuggets. The band said they couldn’t go for that. McDonald’s responded by stating they are the arbiters of the music industry and were simply following protocol by soliciting bands to promote their Mad Cow ridden products without pay:

“We follow the same standard protocol as other brands and sponsors by inviting talented and emerging musicians to join us at the SXSW Festival. We look forward to serving McDonald’s food, drinks and fun in Austin. #slownewsday.”

Singer of the band and staunch purist for the right price Amalie Bruum shot back:

“They’re not following any guidelines because everyone else is offering money… Other, much smaller corporations are offering us money. It’s a perfect example of an archaic company trying to be hip by putting a hashtag at the end of an e-mail.”

Yes, that old cliche. Working for free exposure is one of the dumbest tricks predatory businesses have thought up. Here, pave my driveway and I’ll tell my neighbor you did a great job. You can even take a photo for your Twitter page. Why am I in this headlock? Maybe you shouldn’t be taking money from corporations in the first place. When they suggest you not piss on the crowd your art will suffer. You can’t be cool and indie and butt hurt that McDonald’s isn’t paying you at the same time. Try selling some tickets. I asked for no pickles.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Harrison Ford Crash Lands Plane, Bloodied, Maybe Could Use a Nap

By Lex March 05, 2015 @ 3:26 PM

Harrison-Ford-as-Han-Solo

I’m not about to make old people shouldn’t be driving jokes. It’s not funny. They really shouldn’t be driving. Though it’s politically unreasonable to think that will ever change. So we should just round them up and make them eat in school cafeterias in Brentwood and Santa Barbara where all the non-immunized kids have rubella. Things will work themselves out.

Harrison Ford and his earring have been crashing his private small and vintage planes for a while now. His latest came an hour ago when he crashed his 2-seater fighter prop plane into the golf course that runs alongside the Santa Monica Airport. He missed it by this much. Harrison was reported to be alive though in need of seventeen Curads® and an Almond Joy for his munchies. Nobody on the ground was hurt, or they were, but they’re not famous, so it’s not super important. If you’re playing golf on a Thursday early afternoon, fuck you. You deserve a World War II era prop to the face. Engage hyperspace, Chewy. Chewy?

Photo credit: LucasFilm (maybe Disney now, I don’t know)

Kelly Clarkson Inspired by Curt Schilling

By Lex March 05, 2015 @ 1:54 PM

Kelly-Clarkson-on-Graham-Norton-Show

When people see an underdog like Curt Schilling taking on Goliath like JuCo rejects with used gum in their pockets, they get inspired. Kelly Clarkson stood up when a British celebrity-hating Tweeter ragged on her for looking zaftig on the Graham Norton show in the U.K.:

Jesus, what happened to Kelly Clarkson? Did she eat all of her backing singers? Happily I have wide-screen. #grahamnorton, Look chubsters, Kelly Clarkson had a baby a year ago. That is no longer baby weight. That is carrot cake weight. Get over yourselves.

Kelly Clarkson could no longer sit idle in a post-Gabby Schilling world. She summoned the courage of Pith himself and stepped into the breach:

She’s tweeted something nasty about me? That’s because she doesn’t know me. I’m awesome! It doesn’t bother me. It’s a free world. Say what you will.

Yeah, bitch, you just got some. Do people still say, you got served? Powned! At some point the remaining 1.3% of famous people who don’t already know this are going to realize that you can’t win a battle with the Internet. They’ll cure ass cancer before anyone figures out a successful strategy for combatting millions of people with millions of hours of free time and a whole lot of ego debt. Me included. I mean, I think I have ass cancer. Something hurts where it shouldn’t.

Carmen Electra in a Bikini

By Lex March 05, 2015 @ 12:36 PM

Carmen-Electra-Bikini-Vacation-In-Tahiti
Any time Carmen Electra posts bikini pictures of herself, the media raves about how she looks as good as she did in her Baywatch days in the late 90′s. It’s a tacit reminder about how she hasn’t worked in seventeen years. I’d rather look shitty and have people talk about how I must look shitty because I’m working so hard. Which isn’t the reason, but with a few bucks to a PR firm it could be spun. Carmen Electra is trapped. Though trapped with nice tits isn’t so bad if you own a bath.

Photo Credit: Instagram