By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:51 AM
Real life movements simply aren’t possible when you know dudes with cameras are snapping you. You can’t pick your nose or scratch your ass or adjust your junk. It’s all about tossing the hair and moving like you want the king to pick you out among all the servant girls for his harem where the fruit is at least fresh after the forcible sodomy. Is it truly possible for a good looking woman in a thong bikini to ever have a candid moment in public? Probably not. I’m going to feel sorry for this chick just as soon as I imagine making a baby with her then changing my name so she can’t find me for child support. If I learned anything from Elm Street it’s that every dream needs an exit plan.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:25 AM
Why not show a man exactly what kind of woman he can never be. On his birthday no less. While Bruce Jenner toils away with the nails and the hair and the rouge and the squeezing his junk tight enough between his legs to maneuver into women’s restrictive undergarments, along comes his cunt of a stepdaughter to remind him of the tits he will never have. Science just doesn’t offer that yet. Bruce will never know the thrill of rapper sperm splashing onto his engorged mammaries. When he cleans the jetsam off his stomach he’ll only be able to cry at the big racked girl he shall never be. Thanks, Kim. Happy Birthday to Daddy.
Photo Credit: INF/AKM-GSI
By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:01 AM
I give Jenny McCarthy an A for effort. She tried super hard to bring back polio and whooping cough, though she only succeeded among wealthy white moms who educate themselves through Facebook and Xanax. She took a stab at the movies in a couple classics solely available on the bottom shelf at Slovakian Blockbusters. She proved too not-fat for The View where dumb is certainly no issue. Now, radio. When you’re a person who sells themselves entirely on the superficial, radio is the place for you. It’s hard to know how well Jenny’s vagina talk show is doing on SiriusXM but based on past performance, you’d have to say between mediocre and about to be let go in an overly effusive corporate statement. It’s probably difficult to look back on your entertainment career and note that your lone success came when you were young and spread eagle in a magazine. Or maybe it’s awesome, because you know, most people never even get that.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 9:27 AM
The AIDS research group amfAR delivers the A-list celebrities for their balls around the world like no other charitable cause. You might last a short stint in the business as a Holocaust denier, but you hesitate to support The AIDS and you have signed your death notice.
The girls love showing off their tits at these The AIDS events. It’s kind of a dream scenario. You can flash your yabbos to tons of powerful men and none of them will try to cop a dirty feel. I once spent a week working with a team of gritty lesbians. I found it the most liberating experience ever. The chance to bitch about not getting pussy with other women was more than therapeutic. I don’t care how hard-up your buddy is, he’s got conversationally nothing on a butch dyke who hasn’t aggressively fisted a bored housewife in over six months.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty
By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 9:10 AM
Jose Canseco shot his middle finger off while cleaning his gun. Those Chuck Norris jokes were never really funny but few could top this true life saga. Canseco is known mostly for shooting roids and acting like a poor man’s clogged colon years Elvis. It makes sense he would spend his retired life on the outskirts of Vegas banging ex strippers and cleaning guns in the kitchen while frying up a banana sandwich. When you sell out your peers and nobody wants to talk to you that’s where you end up. Hanging with diapered goats and cleaning your piece for the fifth time this week. He may never regain the use of his hand, although his brain now lacks basic motor functions so call it a wash.
Photo Credit: Jose Canseco Twitter
By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 8:55 AM
Those Doctors Without Borders people always seem so much better than you. Here they are sacrificing a promising medical career to travel the globe and come into direct contact with those less fortunate than us, often in countries so poor they can’t even afford latex gloves. Dr. Craig Spencer has proven this to be a sham. Upon realizing he had contracted Ebola during his volunteer time in West Africa, Spencer told authorities he quarantined himself inside his vintage record laden Harlem apartment. He was lying. In reality went to a meatball shop and did some bowling and generally presented a health hazard to millions of people because he’s an infallible doctor. He most likely didn’t fuck his fiancee because she’s in the clear. What kind of a dude returns home from a month in Guinea and chooses a sub and bowling over banging? A typical hipster who got pressured into med school but in reality longs to smoke weed on the couch all day watching The Big Lebowski. Hence the trips to Guinea and the bowling. If Ebola took out Williamsburg I’d be fine but there are still parts of Harlem unassimilated.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 8:44 AM
Quickset is a travel app with a bunch of pointless features for people who like staring at their phones during dinner with family. Its new version allows you to check out the Facebook page of the person sitting next to you on the plane before you check in, so you have lots of time to wiki where they’re from and stalk them properly. For the feature to work, both people have to approve access. While ostensibly another horrendous app, it will actually work wonders for weary travelers. If you’ve ever been stuck next to an insurance convention attendee and first time flyer named Dale who doesn’t understand social cues you’re in luck. Just log onto this app as a precaution before each flight. If you see that anyone in your general vicinity is also logged in, visit the help desk and have them reassign your seat immediately. If we all band together we can succeed in isolating anyone willing to chat to the isle near the coach bathrooms. I’ll take a middle seat over someone who’s friendly. Friendly people are nature’s way of warning us against hidden evil.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 6:45 AM
Notre Dame freshman Justin Brent will not be disciplined for ‘dating’ porny Lisa Ann in all her holes. Notre Dame maintains the right to reprimand students for having premarital sex, but there is no proof Brent and Ann got it on. If this were a court of law the circumstantial evidence would be overwhelming, but Notre Dame strictly requires high def images of sexual penetration from the cameras they’ve mounted in dorm bed posts and campus chapel pews. Also, there must be the sworn testimony of five witnesses, none of whom were masturbating while witnessing.
Brent was forced to have a conversation with his coach about the dangers of social media which no doubt ended with a high five and a lecture from Brent on how to torrent Nailin’ Palin. In the meantime school officials will have their eye on Brent. He’s free to keep earning them money, but if his dick leaves his pants he could earn a Scarlett Letter. This should motivate him to turn out the lights while banging every white chick on campus.
Photo Credit: Instagram