Pamela Anderson’s Ass Crack Means Her Marriage Is Not Yet Over

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 3:07 PM

Pamela Anderson Flashes Her Bare Butt Sunbathing In Sardinia, Italy
It’s the ass shadow version of Punxsutawney Phil. When Pam Anderson and her new Jane Fonda hair flash crack, it means she’s giving her unemployed husband six more weeks to bang her before she finalizes the divorce proceedings. It’s a test. A solid boffing can buy Rick Salomon some more time to live off of Pam’s assets the creditor’s haven’t yet seized. He is a gambler by nature. I see him going at this with the full fervor of a man who works three nights a year. I was going to ask for my Williams Sonoma salad bowl back, but I’m going to delay that request. I think these two kids really might make it.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Khloe Kardashian Re-Opens Her Vagina Today

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 2:29 PM

Khloe-Kardashian-and-French-Montana-in-Airport

Nobody said dating a Muslim rapper was going to be easy, but Khloe Kardashian never asked for easy. Khloe’s been respecting the Ramadan restrictions of her boyfriend French Montana these past month, including no sex of any kind, outside of whoever he’s fucking on the side, naturally. Khloe admits she’s been frisky without her Moroccan mustang plowing her spacious meadows. Fuck, I just tasted my puke. She’s been teasing the hell out of him with her outrageously large and robust body in the manner that Hulk Hogan used to tease his floored opponents before the finishing leg drop. Ramadan is all about putting your faith to the test. Keeping your hands off that emotionally disturbed mammoth for a month can only bring you closer to your god.

Tulisa Contostavlos Punched a Blogger

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 1:59 PM

Tulisa Contostavlos Makes A Statement After Being Found Guilty At Stratford Magistrates' Court
Can we all agree that bloggers deserve special treatment like people in Corvettes with blue placards or Congressmen or really good looking women in low cut tops? Freedom of speech starts and stops with pasty pale white chubby sedentary men with pistachio addictions. X-Factor judge Tulisa Contostavlos punched one in the face at a music festival because he posted her blow job sex tape on his blog for a couple hours before he got scared off by her attorneys. She said it was very hurtful to her by which I think she means she wasn’t particularly good at oral sex. I’ve seen it. She’s no Paris Hilton in oral excellence. She’s not even my Senior Prom date. Tulisa recently skated on a drug felony charge when one of the British newspapers tried to set her up in a cocaine buy because I guess there was no soccer going on and they had nothing else to write about. Those charges were thrown out by a judge, but not the blogger punching case for which she now must compensate the blogger the hefty sum of $150 for the mental anguish of being beat up by a girl.

Tulisa dressed like a 19th century diplomat for her verdict. After the case was concluded, she felt the need to issue a statement in front of the courthouse about her journey, and the burden of being in the spotlight, and perseverance, and faith in her innocence, you know, even though she was found guilty. The good news is she’s not going to let any of this crap get in her way of being the very best X-Factor judge she can be. The world needs that now more than ever.

You can download the sex tape HERE, if you’re up for that Internet rabbit hole.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Natasha Henstridge Bikini Pictures Look Different

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 1:17 PM

Natasha Henstridge In A Teal Bikini In Hawaii
I don’t remember Natasha lugging those enormous cans around in Species. That might’ve been a different movie. Oh, no, here comes the alien. Wait, she’s still coming. Now she’s breathing heavy. I think her tits hurt.

I guess the lesson here is that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And if your lemons are enormous yabbos, life is pretty fucking good to you because your lemonade just got more expensive.

Natasha-Henstridge-in-Species

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Rihanna Is Blue Ivy’s New Mom And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 28, 2014 @ 12:56 PM

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There are rumors that the other woman that Jay Z has been fucking is none other than Rihanna. You’ve got to hand it to Jay Z, if you’re going to fuck around, make it count. We all learned that lesson from Bill Clinton. Poke your dick where no guy will ever blame you, assuming his wife isn’t standing in the same room.

Read all about Jay Z’s cheating heart and wandering dick thing. (The Superficial)

Check out healthy boobed Francia Raisa in a birthday bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Emanuela De Paula in lingerie is highly fappable. Go on, you know you want to. (Popoholic)

The new Wonder Woman outfit was clearly designed by a wonder man. (Dlisted)

Jenny McCarthy denies fat shaming her fat cousin fat Melissa McCarthy (Huffington Post)

Deborah Ann Woll looks hot as vampire fuck in a blood red dress. (Fox News)

Rita Ora likes to show off her titty balls. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lady Gaga Is Done

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 12:36 PM

Lady Gaga Looking Chunky Performing At A Microsoft Event In Atlanta, Georgia
Gaga loosened the leather straps on her stage underwear to allow for her thirty new pounds and played a Microsoft private corporate function over the weekend. The people developing the next completely unnecessary version of Windows pretended Lady Gaga was a cool get as the Bill Gates minders passed through the party, but most were secretly lamenting the the fact that BeBe and CeCe Winans had been unavailable. After the corporate gig, Gaga hit Denny’s for pancakes and then boarded a Greyhound for New York where she’s recording duets with Tony Bennett. Outside of being named a Kennedy Center honoree, I can’t think of a more striking set of death knells to Lady Gaga’s career. It was brief, but it sucked so incredibly bad, Lady Gaga can take comfort in knowing it won’t soon be forgotten.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jennifer Nicole Lee Can and Might Hurt You

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 11:55 AM

Jennifer Nicole Lee Uses Ropes In A Work Out Bikini In Miami
I get nervous when I know a woman can kick my ass. It upsets the natural balance of power. Men are supposed to be the physically dominant brutes easily manipulated by women until such time as prostate malignancy comes and frees them of their life of subjugation. Then their women trash their high school trophies and start banging their young tennis instructors. At least, that’s the bright portrait I’ve always envisioned. When women start getting ripped and physical and shooting Lyle Alzado cocktails into their quads, it’s like gnus snatching up crocodiles at the watering holes. You can’t just leave your socks on the floor or nail her best friend and think you’re going to get away with a talking to. You’re up in the air being spun around like a bitch made from balsa wood. Nature has been corrupted and you’re not making it to start and stop urinations. Beat down time is upon you.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Adrianne Curry Beats Up Sexual Harassers at Comic-Con

By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 11:13 AM

Adrianne Curry Dresses As Cat Woman For Comic Con In San Diego
It’s so sad when something as beautiful as the pure unadulterated commercialization of Hollywood fare becomes corrupted by the ugliness of handsy nerds. But it’s happened. Scantily clad women in homemade superhero costumes are being touched, cat-called, and even photographed without their consent at Comic-Con. Somebody must rise to the aid of these bare assed exhibitionists. That somebody is Geeks for CONsent, a random group of convention going girls who want to put an end to the unexpectedly high rates of ungentlemanly behavior from the throngs of horny virgins. Well, not an entirely random group. The Geeks for CONsent girls actually happen to sell a comic book designed to help teach the wrongy wrongness of sexual harassment again women and gays and gay women and feral rabbits. Quite coincidentally, these ladies in the business of spotting harassment spotted tons of harassment at Comic-Con.

“It’s a separate, more specific issue within the convention space. It’s very much connected (to the larger problem) and it’s the same phenomena, but manifesting a little more sexually vulgar in the comic space.” — Rochelle Keyhan, vaunted leader of Geeks for CONsent

Keyhan noted that scantily clad women were used in presentation panels, including ten belly-baring women who were ‘slaves’ to Dwayne Johnson when he pimped out Hercules. I’m not making this horror up. These women were showing off their navels and pretending Hercules was their master. You’d have to go back to institutionalized rape in the Bosnian war in the 1990′s to compare this kind of wanton evil.

For her part, veteran cosplayer and former Peter Brady wide Adrianne Curry saw a guy sneaking his finger into her fellow costumed friend’s bikini bottom so she beat the crap out of him with her cosplay weapons. Which I guess is similar to the Geeks for CONsent game plan, only actually effective.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI