Jessica Alba Scares Her Dummies

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Jessica Alba Terrifying Mask
Jessica Alba takes occasional break from hawking chemical free diapers and tampons to blast Chernobyl grade gamma radiation at her face to cure her acne. If the tampons do this, there’s going to need to be a large disclaimer. Alba posted a photo of herself in the scary looking iron mask device on Instagram, causing numerous members of her below average education level followers to write panicked notes about her fate. If Jessica were to move to another dimension, how would they follow her and would they be forced to lose weight and start dating? Watch Fantastic Four again. It’s all explained in Illuminati for Dummies. I’d still fuck her with zits.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Fuck You, I Win

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 8:38 AM

Tom-Brady-at-Court-House

A judge threw out the Tom Brady Deflate Gate case because Tom Brady is too white and good looking to be punished. Also because the judge noted that under the Collective Bargaining Agreement, it’s unfair to punish Brady for cheating because the NFL lets guys cheat all the time so nobody expects to be busted. You can’t be punished for smashing your cell phones and destroying evidence because the NFL has never punished a player for obstructing an investigation before. In short, because you were a crappy permissive parent for so long, you can’t do squat about your teen daughter pounding Four Loko and fucking the entire varsity front line. Seems fair enough. Patriots fans will see this as a common sense legal ruling. The remainder will see this as hated pretty boy sliding on a insidious felony he clearly committed. Everybody will continue to wonder how Roger Goodell gets paid $40 million to be such a failed Commissioner. Mostly it’s just time to start the season. Nobody lives past fifty in the NFL. This shit all takes care of itself.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The Best of Both Worlds

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 8:25 AM

chelsea-handler-poses-underwear

When Chelsea Handler returns to television in just forty-seven more off-putting selfies, she will doing so with the Executive Producer of The View running her show. Merging two insipid shitty talk show forces can only result in stupendous. Like when the nurse treats you for a paper cut and you learn you have terminal cancer. Who cares about a silly paper cut now? You match the ribald unscripted wit of Chelsea Handler along with the whip-around quippy genius of The View and you can start etching the show name on LGBT Inspiration Awards for the next decade. Imagine Joy Behar with a laugh track and some 2003 Britney Spears zingers. I know, I just set my DVR for eighteen months from now as well. How many clicks to cancel Netflix again?

Hillary Clinton’s Special Friend Makes a Ton

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 6:47 AM

Huma-Abedin-and-Hillary-Clinton

Hillary Clinton emails reveal that her close confidant and warm hands travel companion Huma Abedin makes about half a mill a year being Clinton’s special assistant. Abedin often complains it’s not enough. It’s a combination of her government salary along with a shit ton of consulting and Clinton Foundation paychecks. That seems like a lot of dough until you ask yourself what dollar amount it would take for you to go down on Hillary Clinton every time she says the code word ‘minky’. On her days off, Abedin returns to her former Congressman husband Anthony Weiner so he can lie to her about not stroking his cock for schoolgirls in Topeka on Omegle. Now how badly do you want to Freaky Friday with Abedin’s life? I’d ask for a raise. And Xanax. And a latex dental dam. Then I’d kill something.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Nina Agdal in Lingerie

By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 12:20 PM

Nina Agdal Sheer Thongtastic Delights
The idea of a female President hasn’t caught the same tsunami as the first black President. I’m not seeing the me-too bumper stickers like I did in 2008. Even low information voters inherently understand there are more women in this country than men. More female college students, professionals, lawyers, doctors now, and even coaches in the NBA and NFL where women previously only held positions as baby mamas and victims of assault. Women feel like a suffering minority, but it’s largely just because they read too many pamphlets in college or anything written by a woman after 1967 that didn’t appear in Penthouse. My science is pretty good on this. I’d vote for this Danish chick in her lingerie. If only people born outside the U.S. could be President. Talk amongst yourselves.

Photo Credit: Beach Bunny Swimwear

Nickleback Gets Dumped And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 02, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

184675710

Canadian skateboard enthusiast and singer Avril Lavigne has split with Chad Kroeger from Nickleback. I guess she came to the conclusion we all know: nothing that has ever happened is as terrible as Nickleback.

Read more about Canadian heartbreak. (TMZ)

Hannah May Rose takes off her clothes outside. (Egotastic All-Stars)

These are the hottest NFL cheerleaders. (Busted Coverage)

Wanna see Chloe Sevigny’s tampon string? Of course you do! (Drunken Stepfather)

Sarah Jean Underwood’s boobs look amazing in a tiny bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kendall Jenner needs to eat a sandwich. (Popoholic)

Alyssa Arce buck ass naked. (The Superficial)

Minka Kelly Has 2 Years Left

By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 10:18 AM

Minka Kelly At The A List Party In Beverly Hills
It’s not for me to say how long a woman has left to find a guy without credit problems, but I’m giving Minka Kelly and her breasts two years. You can clock it from July rumors that she was Sean Penn’s rebound hump after Charlize Theron’s drugs wore off and she snatched up her African baby and ran. Two years seems like a long time but that’s five more Olympics. Take that top down another button. You don’t want to end up with a guy like me. Tick tock.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Miley Cyrus Topless On Facetime

By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 9:14 AM

Miley Cyrus Topless For Interview
Miley Cyrus is overachieving. Like Rudy, if everybody agreed they would fuck Rudy if nobody else would ever find out. She can’t sing, but she’s a multi-platinum recording artist. She’s not sexy, but she’s become the go-to girl on sexuality. Her tits wouldn’t make first round cuts as minor league hockey ice girl, but she’s using them to make herself the top searched name on Google. There have been inexplicable one hit wonders before, but nothing that ever had this much staying power.

Cyrus stepped up in a bit with Interview magazine where she Facetimed naughty pictures to a photographer and they called it novel. Kim Kardashian heard what was going on and whipped off her top and got into the mix. I’m pretty sure she was not on-contract, she just instinctively knows when this shit is going down. There are more famous chicks involved in this magazine spread, but only Cyrus flashed her titties. She’s throwing off the entire natural order of pretty girls finishing first. Soon, gazelles will be consuming lions and the NBA will be dominated by white guys with Arcade Fire walk-up music. Chaos serves nobody. There have to be a couple open bunks at Guantanamo. I’ll start the Change.org petition.

Photo Credit: Interview Magazine