Olivia Munn Is Getting Sloppy

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 6:46 PM

Olivia Munn Cleavy In The May 2014 Issue Of Allure
Olivia Munn used to be fun. She’s got those Eurasian looks that make dudes assume you could fuck her while watching a ballgame while women see right through her sinister shit and want to slit her yellow throat with an onyx blade while she slumbers. I might be transferring some of my feelings and applying them to the general population as I am apt to do. Either way, I can see her nipple in one of these photos. I wasn’t even trying. I think when she was on G4 and I bought into the whole geeky hot girl next door thing that nipple was gold to me. Now that she’s all network and looking like she had work done and living off the crumbs of coffee cake others leave on the table at Starbuck’s because they assume somebody will clean it, meh, not so much. I’m thinking more about a titty twister for making me watch that first episode of Perfect Couples.

Photo Credit: Allure

Scary Spice Just Doesn’t Give a Shit

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 6:13 PM

Melanie Brown Flashes Her Butt In Beverly Hills
I guess we all get to that age when it’s just fuck it, I’m going to stick my hand up my ass in public. You would never peg a musical talent like Scary Spice to go thong hunting right there in Beverly Hills, but, dammit, she once lip-synched Wannabe to 100,000 adoring fans. If her panties are bunching up in her crust, she shouldn’t suffer for one extra minute. Who knows where the nearest loo is. Unless you’re the man she makes smell her thong in the evenings, this is none of your concern.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Nigeria Seems Like a Fun Place to Take the Kids

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 5:43 PM

Sometimes, you look at a shithole and you think to yourself, man, that’s the shittest shithole I ever did see. There’s no way that shithole could be any shittier. That’s the kind of thinking that leads me to believe you’ve never been to Nigeria. That shithole just got shittier. Nigeria is now half-Christian and half-Muslim. The Christians drive around in modified Toyota trucks with automatic weapons shooting the shit out of people and blowing stuff up and spreading The AIDS just as fast as they can. The Muslims drive around in modified Toyota trucks with automatic weapons shooting the shit out of people and blowing stuff up and spreading The AIDS, but with Hijabs on instead of Don Mattingly era Yankees baseball caps. The Muslims have now started kidnapping Christian teen girls to force them into lives of washing clothes in Lake Ebola and the kind of prostitution where you don’t get good tips. They just ran off into the forest with a couple hundred girls from a high school that really has been going downhill since they canceled all the after school sports programs. My high school was pretty rough, but I don’t remember Muslim insurgents coming to steal and rape the girls. I didn’t pay much attention in high school so it is possible this was going on. It’d be easy to dismiss all the heinous human rights abuses taking place in African countries as back-assed primeval problems too far away to matter. If you want to sleep at night, I’d suggest you do just that.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jenna Dewan Tatum and Minnie Driver Are Almost Naked

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 4:23 PM

Jenna Dewan Tatum Nude And Covered In The May 2014 Issue Of Allure
I don’t know who else is in here. Damn, I want to be Photoshopped like Minnie Driver. I could be a god. You can’t even see her brown tooth or that plate of St. Louis style ribs she ate in ’98 that stuck around her hips. Sorry, Minnie, please don’t quit Twitter again. There’s Channing Tatum’s wife. She looks good. Let’s be honest, we all thought he was gay. Nia Long, she’s in all those movies I don’t go to see because I’m too white, but she’s good looking even without the airbrushing. I saw her once at Whole Foods buying produce. I was buying those muffins that go bad in twenty minutes just like when muffins were awesome back in the 19th century and everybody died by forty. Kristen Bell. Hmm, her boobs got bigger. Must be God’s way of thanking her for doing so many profoundly good deeds. This Allure magazine is really the bomb. It’s like Maxim, but with good looking celebrities.

Photo Credit: Allure

FEMEN Moves Their HQ

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 3:35 PM

Femen Establishes Headquarters In Clichy, France
Nothing says we are legitimately angry dikes quite like picking Paris as your new international headquarters. That’s exactly what the brave topless warriors of FEMEN have done, moving their yeast-filled Honeycomb Hideout from Maria’s stepmother’s basement in Kiev to one of the least appealing new sorority houses west of the Maginot Line. The girls couldn’t technically afford Paris, it’s more Paris adjacent, but it smells like Paris just the same. The French coppers found them rather immediately and donning their Battlestar Galactica gear, surrounded the place lest the girls start throwing tampons at the hommes sitting cross-legged nearby in the cafes. The place looks like one of the brothels beyond the majestic rues where you can still trade in your French Francs for girls with crooked spines and canker sores on their lips. That’s probably how they’ll lure in the men they feast on in the evenings while covering their small but flabby breasts with virulent slogans. Big score for France who’ve needed a good win since about 1720.

Photo Credit: Getty

Kate Upton Makes It Hard To Follow Orders

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 3:00 PM

Kate Upton Busty At The Premiere Of 'The Other Woman' In Westwood
Kate Upton has a lot of rules. The last one was about how you’re not supposed to openly jizz thinking about her big yabbos, just adore them discreetly and pay with direct deposit or something. Girls who look like Kate Upton get to make all the rules. That seems fair enough. We can elect a bunch of self-serving blustery hacks to political office, but it’s the girls who have big tits who will always run things. I know you want to believe the human social structure is more complex than the dung beetle’s, but it’s not. We’re all just trying to amass the biggest pile of shit so we can get Kate pregnant, maybe fire one off between her big knockers on the back end to show we’re better than beetles.

Photo Credit: Getty

Anastasia Ashley Has an Ass Built for Burgers

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Anastasia Ashley Shows Off Her Butt In A Bikini For Carl's Jr
Mmm, burger and ass. That’s only been the best combination since the dawn of time. Sometimes, I’ll see a fine woman’s ass in a bikini and think to myself, man, how fat would I have to get eating Carl’s Jr. burgers before I could hit that. And I know she’s looking at me thinking, if you can eat all 1,800 calories in one mouth stuffing bite, I will ride you until your blood sugar drops you into a diabetic coma. Then I’ll go slag my real boyfriend who’s dining on his second bucket of Original Recipe at KFC. If life was kind enough to let you eat crappy fast food and still bang hot women, nobody would be so eager to get to heaven.

Photo Credit: Carl’s Jr/Twitter

Richard Gere Is Tantric-ing Padma Lakshmi

By Jack April 22, 2014 @ 12:57 PM

Pretty Woman Richard Gere has apparently been giving it to Top Chef hottie Padma Lakshmi. This in spite of the fact that he is currently in the middle of messily divorcing his wife Carey Lowell, a.k.a. that short haired model chick from Law & Order a decade ago. He was previously married to Cindy Crawford when he was younger and still shoving small woodland mammals up his rectum. Oh, fuck you, Snopes. Through the power of Tibetan meditation and mainlining Viagra directly into his cock the old man has managed to get it up enough to diddle Padma. She used to be married too to fatwa courting author Salman Rushdie before she decided it was best she make a baby with Michael Dell’s brother so she’d have a future. These two opportunistic horny fucks from different generations seem like they belong together. If Richard’s hips hold out during tantric sex with his new lady, and his credit rating exceeds a smart Asian kids SAT Math portion score, there could be a wedding coming soon.