Lupita Nyong’o’s Gown Depreciates

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 8:05 AM

Lupita

Whoever stole Lupita Nyongo’s pearl studded Calvin Klein gown from her hotel room returned it in a garbage bag after realizing they’d been duped into thinking it was easy money. The dress was worth $150,000 because it contained “6,000 alabaster akoya pearls” according to a bunch of lying publicists. Turns out the pearls were made of plastic as you’d expect if you weren’t still behaving like a retarded child who believes in mermaids. I’m curious how they arrived at $150,000. The actual paint on the Mona Lisa can’t be worth more than thirty bucks with inflation but that’s a work of art. This is a bridesmaid dress a guy in a scarf took a glue gun to. Brands lie to sell bullshit. Apply the story of this dress to every item at the mall and then dust off your tennis rackets. You’ll be dead in fifty years, do some laundry and spend the leftover money running up massive bar tabs. You’ll thank me later.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Demi Lovato Thigh Gap Speaks

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Demi

Demi Lovato posted a photo of her pubic mound along with some self-inspired musings about having a healthy body image and followed it with a bunch of pics of herself psychotically working out at the gym after she had a bite of cheesecake:

“Regardless of what society tells you these days… You don’t have to have a thigh gap to be beautiful. It is possible to love your body the way it is. #fitness #health #acceptance #selflove… Don’t train to be skinny, train to be a #badass”

I don’t remember anyone ever saying you had to have a thigh gap to be beautiful. In fact I’ve only heard the term mentioned by stocky chicks and a chorus of the black dudes and neck beards cheering them on while trying to bang them. Also if you love your body the way it is why commit to countless hours at the gym? The whole point of working out is to change your body. Chicks who love themselves unconditionally are typically entitled nightmares who have flabby asses because their faces are pretty. Self loathing Bugs Bunny looking chicks have stripper bodies and are dead inside. Then there’s your average cool normal chick you see in the movies. Regardless, Lovato deserves a pat on the back because her thighs healthfully squish her vagina. If you happened to be born taller than her you don’t know what love is.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Cindy Crawford Too Real

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Craw

The photographer who took this leaked photo of Cindy Crawford claims it was stolen and then photoshopped to make Crawford look past her prime. Also, he concluded that the cops framed OJ. The photographer’s hired a lawyer to send out cease and desist letters to news outlets and the fugly women who use this as their screensaver. Fuck, I’ll be getting two.

This is a slap in the gut to the chorus of Mercer Island lesbians who were empowered by this because they’ve confused being unattractive with making a social statement. Crawford is 49 and has two kids. Nobody expects her to be carved out of marble. It’s some people’s job to look perfect. They’re called models. When they take a fairly revolting photo they normally have the sim card heel crushed by a German porn star and then they mechanically pose in a supine position for hours until they capture the lighting that negates whatever happened here. They cry and post it to Instagram in an attempt to set the record straight.

Crawford is ashamed at what the women’s rights crowd considers real. Because what they consider real is someone at their worst. Both taut sex objects and those confined to a futon have social security cards. That’s the secret. You’re all real. Some are just hotter than others. Have some integrity and gain some more weight. We’re drinking beer at the softball park and liberating the shit out of ourselves.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kevin Federline Also Now a DJ

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

KF

Kevin Federline is the latest washed up tabloid scrub to professionally take up the hobby of DJing. Federline is apparently making a grand per night plus all the Totino’s Pizza Rolls he can eat playing shows at Heat Ultra Lounge in Orange County. This should come as a surprise to most of the patrons who will show up pissed there’s a cover. It’s the seven chicks who actually came early you’ll need to be weary of. Pepper spray them now before they hound your for Britney Spears tickets before pocketing your iPod. I’d like to visit a club where the whole staff is comprised of reality show trash. Federline can DJ, Nicole Ritchie can bartend and John Gosselin will mop up whatever Brandi Glanville has dripped onto the floors. Like a Jack Rabbit Slims except the people aren’t dead quite yet. I’d DJ for a thousand bucks as long as I can take smoke breaks every fifteen minutes and pretend I’m texting someone while I play minesweeper. Can I bum a cig?

Photo Credit: HeatUltraLoungeOC.com

Paris Hilton’s Stalker A Keeper

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 6:07 AM

Page

Paris Hilton has a stalker named Johnny Rock Page who enjoys dressing up in motorcycle gear and calling himself a pro racer. He recently got into Hilton’s gated community by saying he was a flower delivery guy at which point he scared the shit out of Hilton and she asked the number for 911. Page had come to deliver a Cadillac to her which he bought as a gift. He’s also mailed her a wedding dress and had two separate aerial banner flown over her house which read:

“Can’t Get Paris Whitney Hilton Out of My Mind… Mr. & Mrs. Hilton, may I court your daughter Paris?”

The Cadillac sat on the street and then someone came and bashed out all the windows. Page denied being the culprit in a letter he hand pasted from magazine scraps. Page also has two daughters who are going to have to transfer schools now. The oldest rule in the book is chicks don’t like a dude who seems desperate. He could have been inside her already if he’d just called her fat or read her Wiki page out loud.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

FEMEN Protests Laws Banning FEMEN

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 12:39 PM

The Bare Breasted Activists Knowns As Femen Protest For Spain
The way in which European nations teeter between socialism and totalitarianism amuses me. Mostly because I don’t have to live there. In France, there are two parties. The Let Muslims In So What If they Kill a Few Jews Party and the Kill All The Muslims, The Jews Can Go Next Party. In Spain the government doesn’t appreciate its citizens protesting what a shitty job it’s doing with its financial collapse so it passed a bunch of laws saying you can’t publicly say what a shitty job they’re doing. You can’t protest in the streets or carry signs or take pictures of anybody protesting or carrying signs. And you definitely can’t run down the street with your tits bouncing screaming about the new laws preventing you from doing so. They’re not having much luck against these flapjacked Women’s Studies majors. I doubt they’ll do much better with the public at large. Spain will never be Russia. Just too much nice weather and beaches and good food and wine. Fascist domination isn’t that important when you can eat cured meats and bang chicks with tan lines.

Photo Credit: Getty

Mr. Spock Died For Real This Time And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

GettyImages_474772405

Leonard Nimoy, Mr. Spock himself, died today at the age of 83 of COPD. His spirit was not passed to Dr. McCoy because he’s dead too. How much you wanna bet that the last one to go will be that horse back riding asshole William Shatner?

He lived long and prospered. Not so much anymore. (TMZ)

But, on a lighter note here are some bouncing titties. (The Chive)

Maitland Ward wears a see-through bodysuit because she cares. (Egotastic)

Kanye West thinks exclusivity is the new N-word…what the fuck are you talking about now? (Huffington Post)

Sophie Simmons wants to show you how bigger girls get down. (Drunken Stepfather)

Danielle Knudson shows off her assets in these bikini pics. (Hollywood Tuna)

Joanna Lundback wears a bikini just for you. Well, not JUST for you. (Popoholic)

Salma Hayek Seems To Like Her New Gig

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 11:41 AM

Salma Hayek Is The New Face Of Pomellato
It’s nearly impossible to sell shit to women without implying their selection will make them cum like lesbian freshmen. I don’t see the same thing in razor and truck ads. Maybe a little bigger dick implications, but there’s no expectation that the new contoured Schick razor will leave your vanity splashed in jizz. This Salma Hayek ad looks like it’s selling fucking. Mmm, fucking, you know you want some. But it’s selling jewelry. I’m not saying which gives a woman more pleasure, but if yours doesn’t at least lie when you ask her, you might as well get fat now. Being skinny and hard up means you’re not successful by any ancient culture’s standards.

Photo Credit: Splash