By Jack July 30, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
We all know Woody Allen is kinda creepy, what with his banging his stepdaughter Soon Yi when she was a teenager. But in an NPR interview he reveals just how much of a sex pest he is. It sounds like classic predator to me.
Listen to Woody’s confession. (The Superficial)
Courtnie Quinlan’s tits are fucking amazing. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Kylie Jenner can legally drink…in Canada. (TMZ)
Ben Affleck is probably banging the nanny. (Dlisted)
Charlotte McKinney reveals what it takes to fuck her. (COED)
My hometown hero JJ Watt is also good at baseball. Really good. (Busted Coverage)
Bras are for suckers. (The Chive)
By Matt July 30, 2015 @ 9:04 AM
Hillary Clinton had a department store on Fifth Avenue closed down so she could get a $600 haircut, or as she calls it, relating to the middle class. Bergdorf Goodman is apparently not a flamboyant composer of dramatic show tunes, but a high end retail store in New York. It’s unclear how Clinton, who doesn’t have a job, was able to accomplish shutting down the store. This is official business, I’m a cunt. Maybe you could fucking come in before it opens? Just a thought. Every year or so some politician drops a lot of money on a haircut. It just shows they’re really into themselves, and also that people vote on hair. For this reason alone I predict Hillary Clinton will lose the election because she looks like that evil rabbit from Donnie Darko got a dye job. Trump is out too for obvious reasons. Namely, that’s not hair. That should leave Rick Perry as our Commander in Chief. He’s most likely a drunken illiterate but his hair can rebound from a SuperCuts. Looks like we invaded Iran. Aw shucks.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex July 30, 2015 @ 8:49 AM
On this week’s podcast we were left wondering how awkward it is to go to a Cosby sexual assault victim reunion, how this nation needs to protect its sex workers, and the sadistic passion of dentists. Things more important than will ever be discussed in any Presidential debate. How very sad. I think for us mostly really.
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By Matt July 30, 2015 @ 8:11 AM
Donald Trump berated a lawyer who was deposing him because she needed to pump breast milk for her baby, according to the lawyer and to Trump. Elizabeth Beck eventually came down on the losing side in the case, possibly because she brought her baby to the office and was tickling it while pretending to listen to the proceedings. At some point Beck asked for a one hour break so she could pump the milk, a standard courtroom procedure. Trump freaked out, apparently convinced she was stalling or at least was using the Sharper Image catalog to her advantage:
“He got up, his face got red, he shook his finger at me and he screamed, ‘You’re disgusting, you’re disgusting,’ and he ran out of there.”
Somebody’s got some issues. Trump took to Twitter to defend himself, which naturally came in the form of shitting on Beck:
“Lawyer Elizabeth Beck was easy for me to beat. Ask her clients if they are happy with her results against me… Beck lost the case and I got legal fees. Also, she wanted to breast pump in front of me at dep.”
I’m all for breastfeeding in public. The more the merrier. Do it at Sunday mass, funerals, fucking stock vestings, whatever briefings the community organizer gives you to fight off the zombies, it’s all good. Perhaps the pump is a bit much though. Maybe leave it at home and mix up some formula instead of running the generator and monitoring the PSI of the hoses hooked to your nipples while you’re in a fucking meeting. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just kind of distracting. The results speak for themselves. The baby was twelve years old.
By Matt July 30, 2015 @ 7:19 AM
Kelsey and Baylee Soles are 19 year old fraternal twin sister models from South Carolina, or what Tony Robbins refers to as motivation to become a billionaire so they’ll both get naked in your jet. He’s starting to get weird. The sisters have been signed to a Calvin Klein campaign even though at 19 they’re considered repugnant old hags in the progressive world of modeling. The pair became models after their dad signed them up for etiquette classes, where they teach you how to blame rape on yourself in farsi. It sounds like pops is more than likely a huge fucking creep who was scouting his daughter’s asses like they were blue chip recruits. With any luck they’ll be working three hours a week in an attempt to sell overpriced bullshit while chain smoking well into their mid thirties. At that point they’ll either answer the phones at an agency or marry an oilman with a twin fetish who’s made his intentions abundantly clear. They’re no Milton Twins but they’ll do.
By Jack July 29, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Professional White person Gwyneth Paltrow is selling handbags on her shitty Goop website that have the names of famous dead rappers like Biggie and Tupac on them. Gwyneth is why minorities hate White people.
What’s next? Fubu? (The Superficial)
Summer St. Claire does a striptease. (Egotastic All-Stars)
The Incredible Hulk loves Donald Trump. (TMZ)
Giselle Bundchen wore a burqa to get her tits done. (Dlisted)
Charlotte McKinney talks bras with Cosmo. (COED)
Kelly Stafford jumping with shorty shorts on. (Busted Coverage)
Nikki Howard from those Old Spice commercials is hot as shit. (The Chive)
By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 11:14 AM
Sylva Stoel took a job at J.C. Penney’s because she didn’t qualify for any better jobs then promptly quit because her boss told her to go home and come back wearing something not short shorts to work. Stoel dashed over to Twitter proudly displaying her middle finger and touting her victimized feminist bona fides. She claims the shorts came from the J.C. Penney’s Career Section, which I guess was her way of saying how women’s work attire is sexist from the get-go. Or it’s just meant to shock people that J.C. Penney’s has a Career Section.
I told [my manager] that I thought it was unfair to send me home due to the fact that I had purchased the shorts from JC Penney’s own career section, but he insisted that I go home and change anyways.”
Point made there, Susan B. Anthony with the resting bitchy face. Stoel mentions how casually the men get to dress for work at J.C. Penney’s. Also how most of them have raped and dismembered children in the back of their Ford Econoline vans but still get to work in the kids shoe department. Stoel neglects to mention the reams of employee orientation material included pictures of things not to wear, including those short shorts. That might take away from her righteous indignation, though in no way harm the intellectual integrity of her argument. Once future employers Google her amazing dedication to work, she’s certain to be hired elsewhere forthwith. Wait, what does whiny feminist blogger pay again?
Photo credit: Sylva Stoel/Twitter
By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 10:37 AM
The Kenyan people have a natural affinity for President Obama, so they put out the welcome wagon big time for his arrival and tour of all the great things going on in Kenya not related to the Islamic terrorism, corruption, starvation, and not winning a major Marathon in almost three Marathons. The country’s Christian clergy were not so impressed. Ministers representing some ten million practicing Christian Kenyans got together and wrote a note to Obama to tell him to shut the fuck up about Kenya needing to be go big on the gay like the U.S.
“We do not want him to come and talk on homosexuality in Kenya or push us to accepting that which is against our faith and culture. Let him talk about development; let him talk about cooperation; let him talk about the long-time relationship Kenya has had with America. But about our beliefs and culture– keep off!”
Given all the mortal problems plaguing the world’s shittiest continent, it seems a trifle out of order to make ant-gay biblical shit such a focus of your letter writing campaigns. Still, there is something to be said for not coming to my house and telling me how to live. It’s still illegal to be openly gay in Kenya as it is in most African countries where colorful wardrobes and The AIDS run rampant nevertheless. Maybe we agree that you don’t imprison dudes for fucking each other up the ass and we keep the malaria drugs and maize freely flowing? Spit and shake hands. Wait, let’s just raise our palms from a distance in the tradition of the Watusi. You can’t preach gay rights if you’re dead.
Photo credit: GettyImages