Barry Zito’s Wife Seems Talented (VIDEO)

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 12:44 PM

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Miss Missouri USA seems to be one of those titles they give you before you make a bunch of bad decisions in your life. It’s like being named Best Couple in the high school yearbook. There’s a strong likelihood he is now an unemployed musician and you’re dancing off the baby weight at a joint off the interstate. I’m pleased to see Amber Seyer in lingerie with a teddy bear close to her crotch. It’s the international symbol for who among us gets to live their dreams besides astronauts. This chick managed to marry MLB pitcher Barry Zito who was professionally disappointing to the tune of $140 million, so she’s probably doing this just for fun. It looks like fun. Especially if you imagine away loss of hope in her eyes.

Photo Credit: Brevin Blach

Angelina Jolie Updates the U.N.

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 11:53 AM

Angelina Jolie Attends Security Council Meetings At The UN
Angelina Jolie will take a break from freaking out her kids with her preventative organ removals for matters of international importance. Like when the United Nations Security Council calls her in to solve the Syrian refugee problem. Having a high school dropout with severe emotional problems as your chief figurer outer on Syrian refugees doesn’t mean you’re not a competent organization, it probably just suggests you could operate out of a strip mall with something less than six billion in funding. I may be alone in thinking Angelina should be good at her day job before we let her take weekend control of the world army of blue helmets and French diplomats with a penchant for hotel maid rape. The UN gets nothing done so this is mostly for show. It’s like when you ask your girlfriend how can you be a better boyfriend. Everybody gets laid for a night and feels like they’ve made progress. Come morning, you’ve got ten thousand Syrian Shias dead in a ditch but there’s always more girlfriends.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Topless FEMEN Protester Taken Downtown

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 10:44 AM

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The good soldier walks a lonely road. This blond chick was cast out FEMEN for having tits a man might desire. She went rogue at a protest over the Spanish Prime Minister outlawing abortions or taxing tampons like soda or something. A desperate attempt to get the girls at the clubhouse to take her back. Decals on your tits? This is why you were cast out in the first place. Police swooped in and neutralized this lone wolf. Spain is once again safe to pretend it’s ham don’t stink.

Photo Credit: Getty

Tyga Seems Short Sighted

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 10:10 AM

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Here’s where rappers face an uphill battle from lack of adult male role models. That last line of defense on really bad decisions. You bring up the idea of indelibly inking the name of the underaged chick you’re banging on your sleeve and your old man or favorite crotchety science teacher or coach will kick you in the nuts and tell you to stop thinking with your dick. That’s the pain you’re going to look back on with gratitude. A sycophantic posse isn’t going to tell you shit you don’t want to hear. Yeah, Tyga, that’s awesome. No way they use that against you in court. Do you think Chris Brown is hiring for assistant weed procurer? I’m asking for a friend.

Tyga’s tattoo is apparently in response to Blac Chyna going on social media and asking for her former boo to come home. I speak fluent whore and I can tell you that’s a shot across the bow of Kylie Jenner. Kylie’s sisters’ got the fame and fortune and her dad’s becoming a woman on national television. She may have the intellectual power of dented marbles, but she’s not losing her black rapper boyfriend. He’s her lifeline. Point to that underaged pussy and compel your man to mark your name on his ulna. If he’s as dumb as looks, he’s going to oblige. Romance isn’t dead, it’s just takng a break. This can only end well.

Photo credit: Instagram

Haley King Deserves Accolades

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 9:25 AM

Hunter King Chesty At The Daytime Emmy Awards

Daytime television is the one sector of the entertainment industry where old women thrive. Heroines are still bitch slapping each other well into their 70′s while caked with foundation and the dried blood of still born lambs. There are Botox machines in the stage bathrooms where for three quarters you can align your temples against the red arrows and assassinate your zygomaticus minors. The Daytime Television Awards annually march out these ghoulish anorexics like they’re headed to Logan’s Run carousel to cull the herd. Haley King is the only annual saving grace. Her young tits of magnificence make up for watching Steve Harvey get an award simply for not killing himself another year. Haley King was given a trophy as a ruse to draw her backstage and attempt to harvest her real skin and breast tissue. Aim for the stoas, Haley. It’s how they draw energy.

Photo Credit: Getty

Bruce Jenner Is One Kooky Chick (VIDEO)

By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 9:01 AM

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The creepy exercise of watching two sixty-somethings with frozen Madame doll faces chatting about gender identity is over. There’s no doubt Bruce Jenner is the least horrible man and now woman in the entire Kardashian clan. If he won the Decathlon while also spending three hours a day secretly wearing dresses and putting on makeup, all the power to him. He showed the Commies what’s what back in ’76. We’re America, we can be women trapped in men’s bodies and still kick your ass.

The interview itself consisted of hard hitting Diane Sawyer questions such as ‘What is your perfect day’ and ‘If you were me, what question would you ask yourself?’. Fuck, you really do only deserve 72% of your male counterparts. Bruce Jenner was conspicuously not joined by Kris Jenner or any of the reality show whorelets. They waited in the wings to see how public reaction would go before weighing in. Kris Jenner in particular is now effusive of praise for her tranny husband of two decades, while pleading with her demon lord that nobody digs further into Bruce’s claim that he’s never been into dudes. I might whip out the polygraph or a picture of Channing Tatum topless on that query.

Jenner’s most overlooked line from the interview was when he declared the entire Keeping Up with the Kardashians reality show as fabricated bullshit. He was sitting on the one real dramatic bombshell and never shared it on the show because he didn’t want to hurt his children who his wife was pulling out of school in fifth grade and turning into underaged prostitutes. Jenner says he’s publicizing his butterfly transformation now so that he can help others in the same situation. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. The help begins this summer on his new E! reality show. As Jenner said, he’s not changing who he is, just getting tits and a new name. Something like that.

Dave Chapelle Loaded

By Matt April 27, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

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Dave Chapelle did a show in Detroit which mostly entailed him smoking cigarettes and playing I Spy with himself while his body went into hibernation mode. He took the stage an hour late, although the crowd was for some reason still being seated well past showtime. Perhaps Dave decided to get shit faced as a form of protest. I drank a twelve pack once in the name of ending puppy mills. Hero is a strong word. Chapelle is sometimes prone to rambling painfully long sets where he forgets to do comedy. At one point someone yelled at him to tell some jokes:

I don’t care at all. I know you all have work in the morning but I can do this all night… Well sir, it’s a little late for that. Right now I’ve gotta get off the stage because it’s 2:00 in the morning.”

It was actually 1 am, not 2. Chapelle really has no obligation to do a good show beyond what many feel is an ethical obligation to earn your paycheck. I wonder if he knows this is his farewell tour. The city of Detroit is also not an innocent party. Showing up late high on bath salts with sandwich bags full of gin in your stockings and heckling the performer isn’t going to get you anywhere. You could have bought a three bedroom house for the price of admission. Everyone get their shit together and we’ll reconvene in a few months. I want to see some action this time.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Britt McHenry Sorry For Being A Cunt (VIDEO)

By Matt April 27, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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ESPN sideline tits and ass provider Britt McHenry recently had her car towed and proceeded to repeatedly insult the appearance of the woman who worked in the office of the towing company. I get being pissed but I also understand why OJ did it. Since security footage of McHenry being a vile cunt leaked and the married lawyer she’s fucking stopped returning her calls, she issued an apology for the one time her no doubt consistently atrocious behavior was caught on tape. No word if she would have apologized to the woman if this didn’t make Youtube, but I’ve got a history of expensive dinners that says the contrary. She sounds roughly contrite enough to keep her job:

“I want to say again that I’m so sorry for my recent hurtful actions. My remarks were completely out of line. Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to speak to another human being in the manner in which I chose that night. That’s not who I am as a person and hope those who only know me from this incident will give me a second chance to prove to you how much I value integrity, character and treating people with respect.”

I’m still working on that first chance because I have no idea what you do. As long as you don’t spontaneously combust you’ll remain highly fuckable although I’m selling low on breakfast. Super hot chicks can always bank around 90 grand per year if they feel like getting out of Mark Cuban’s bed in the morning. Call me when you’re nearing menopause so I can borrow your ex-husband’s Jaguar. Wipe off your chin. We’re going to the track.