By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 1:33 PM
Why do our immigration plans never account for bringing in more good looking Russian women? If I were Obama I’d get that down home lingo back and haggle some. You give me five million non-inoculated peasants from Central America and I’ll give you one-thousand of the finest looking Russian chicks who call themselves models so you don’t have to feel guilty. You know the whooping cough crowd is coming anyhow. Break me open a couple cargo containers of Russian whores destined for other parts of the world and we can call it even.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 12:20 PM
James Rogen and Seth Franco cancelled all their media appearances for The Interview. I guess it’s all fun and games until you figure maybe Virginia Tech. Or Sony forced their hand because a Dead Franco is a serious insurance payoff. Not to be outdone Landmark Theaters cancelled the NYC premiere of the film, soon followed by other theater chains announcing they would no longer be showing the movie out of safety concerns. Where’s all that These Colors Don’t Run shit when you need it? You just handed a winning ticket voucher to a pudgy virgin ten thousand miles away who I heard is a bad tipper. Or a skinny redhead in Suburban Denver. I have no idea, I’m just making shit up. That’s the whole point. Maybe they don’t exist. North Korea exists but when’s the last time they bombed a movie theater in the U.S.? Grow a pair. Get your spine and your fucking Orange Crush and buy a ticket. We’re America, not Ameri-pussy. I also just made that up. You can steal it.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 12:02 PM
I’ve never heard of the Heart of Dixie, but now I must admit I’m interested. It just has to be another wonderful show in the long line of epically wonderful CW shows that the Smithsonian is always trying to get copies of for the underground vaults. Girls in wet bikini tops never hurt the sale process of any product. I think this actress is pregnant which is probably why you only see her chest up. That’s certainly not how a gentleman is supposed to view a woman, though it may be the only chance to get a male viewer on the CW. No offense to men who think sports are too violent.
Photo Credit: TheCW
By Jack December 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Dessicated crone Madonna crawled out from her cave where she eats fish tails and strokes The Precious to complain about her new songs getting leaked. She called it “artistic rape” which for one illusory moment made her music seemed compelling.
Madonna will swallow your soul, hackers! (Dlisted)
Justin Bieber wants to sing Gospel music. It’s like crucifying Jesus all over again. (TMZ)
Get ready to light up them cigars, boys. Obama is lifting a lot of restrictions on Cuba. (Huffington Post)
You want to see Olivia Wilde’s pussy lips? (Drunken Stepfather)
Luci Ford covered topless is better than most totally topless pics. (Hollywood Tuna)
Daniela Lopez Osorio es muy caliente! (Popoholic)
Paris Hilton flashes her cum encrusted panties in a limo because Paris Hilton. (The Superficial)
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 11:32 AM
People magazine, the celebrity pucker rag, let Stephen Collins publish an unchallenged apology for molesting girls forty years ago or maybe twenty when you get right to it. Collins’ wife, the evil female character named Faye Grant, had previously recorded Collins confessions to flashing young girls in the neighborhood, and putting one girl’s hand on his crotch, during their marital therapy sessions. She hoped to use the molestation claims against him in divorce court. They are rather more powerful than leaving socks on the floor or not being emotionally available during football season.
Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since. I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent. On the recording, I described events that took place 20, 32, and 40 years ago. The publication of the recording has resulted in assumptions and innuendos about what I did that go far beyond what actually occurred. As difficult as this is, I want people to know the truth.
And the truth is different than your leaked confession? No, it’s the same. What you wanted people to know is that you’re super sorry, that you’re the victim of a calculating ex-wife, and you’ve been atoning for it ever since by making tons of bad TV movies and TV appearances. I can’t help you buddy if people are assuming you did more than just the three child molestation instances mentioned on the tape. These deviant desires have a way of uncorking into more than just one three second incident every dozen years. If People magazine weren’t a puff platform for pedos, they might’ve gone down that path.
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 10:11 AM
Lindsay Lohan got the latest nod to dance creepily for Love Magazine’s ode to Quaalude Christmas. Video producers had the foresight to put Lindsay in an oversized sweater so viewers can pretend drinking since puberty hasn’t left her looking like an aging madam in an Old West saloon. I couldn’t think of anything more Christmas than watching Lindsay Lohan trying to be coquettish. Perhaps the reindeer pulling a train on Mrs. Clause while Kris films with a GoPro mounted to his hat. Or the birth of Jesus.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:37 AM
I imagine hell to be Paris Hilton waving her arm in the air DJing at a sweaty nightclub while throngs babble in thick cockney accents. Fuck, I just shuddered. I hope when I get there it’s just flames and pitchforks and Sodomites who cackle over the latest Real Housewives gossip.
Paris whisked herself to London to DJ a wicked nightclub set fresh off being crowned the top DJ in the entire known universe. It’s the Heisman for bon vivants on viral suppressants. Paris looked absolutely fabulous with her tits pushed up and her ass period leaking an enticing stain on the rear of her dress. Her pink panties the international symbol for look but don’t touch or my bodyguard will snap off your dick like a ninja. The scene was perfect. Paris owned the heart of England. With any luck, the Queen will have her murdered like Diana.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:20 AM
That’s 50 Cents’ baby mama who sued him successfully for paternity and Floyd Mayweather’s ex who he dumped after she aborted their twin fetuses on Twitter. If the big fake titties of women who engage informally in unprotected sexual intercourse can’t convince people to donate wrapped toys for children who get none this Christmas, what will it take? I donate to Toys for Toys every year myself. I drop off some Milton-Bradley games, but I let the underprivileged kids see me holding back on the PS3s and premium gifting content hoping it inspires them to get off their asses and make something of themselves. This is America, little man in rags. Some day the Candylands won’t be coming for free.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI