The Future Was Supposed To Be Better

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 7:08 AM

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We are now living in the future as referred to in the science fiction movies we watched as kids. I don’t have a flying car or a hover board or those five course meals that come in pill form. Everybody is fat which I certainly don’t remember about ‘the next millennium’. Someone invented a vibrator with a camera on the end so you can see graphic biological documentation of your lover’s insides. This should go over well in Japan, Germany, and a host of other countries who lost the war and are still really confused about their feelings. There’s a word for people who jerk off to the surgery channel. Dexter. I’ve been beating off fine all these years without the aid of endoscopic footage. Is that a book of matches? The Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator retails for $184.99 but you can save forty bucks if you buy a used one on Amazon. Keep that one in a locked drawer as someday it certainly be subpoenaed as DNA evidence. Nice work, Buffalo Bill.

Photo Credit: LoveHoney.com 

Conrad Hilton Cops A Plea

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 6:37 AM

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Conrad Hilton has plead guilty to one count of Simple Assault which carries a max of six months in prison or half an hour picking up discarded tabloids with your face on them if you have a decent lawyer. Hilton threw a tantrum on a plane and threatened to fight a bunch of male flight attendants because scuffling with lithesome gay men is how you make your bones. Then he smoked a joint in the bathroom. This ruffled some feathers because smoking on a plane is considered worse than taking over the helm and chanting Allahu Akbar while nosediving the aircraft. Hilton also bragged about being rich and getting people fired, which didn’t happen although he was handcuffed to his seat:

“I will fucking own anyone on this flight, they are fucking peasants. I could get you all fired in five minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before. Dad paid $300,000 last time.”

Hilton’s defense rested on blaming Ambien for his aberrant behavior, but several experts testified that Ambien makes you sleep walk, not be an insufferable asshole. Hilton will be arraigned on Thursday. Expect a stern lecture and a less stern punishment from a judge who will be spending his Arbor Day vacation at the Hilton Waikoloa Village having his feet massaged by Korean girls adept at hiding their tears.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Steve Francis Lost His Necklace

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 6:03 AM

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I can think of two reasons not to wear a giant gold chain. One, you’re a man. Men don’t wear jewelry because men don’t need to be pretty. Second, somebody’s going to rob you. Steve Francis, formerly a pain in the ass of the NBA, was at a rap show in Houston just getting sticky and some dude tried to jack his chain.

The giant gold rope didn’t break at first and turned into a makeshift hangman’s noose. While wearing a giant chain you never know when you’ll be the victim of an impromptu strangulation but you can be pretty sure you will look fucking stupid. The guy got away with the chain and hasn’t been caught even though he’s caught on camera. Perhaps law enforcement figures if you adorn yourself with a giant chunk of precious metal and step foot into a den of wasted welfare recipients you’ve got what’s coming to you. Francis didn’t even call the cops because they’ve got a dozen dead hookers stuffed into recycling bins down in Kirby and you were kind of asking for it. Let me show you the back page of the newspaper. This is the stock market. Invest in something you don’t wear or drive.

Photo Credit: TMZ/Youtube 

Curt Schilling Doesn’t Understand the Internet

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 1:35 PM

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According to people who wish things that aren’t true were true, Curt Schilling just made Twitter safe again for the good people. Last week, Schilling congratulated his daughter on Twitter for getting into Salve Regina college in Rhode Island which I believe involves being Catholic and quietly wishing transgendered people to Hades. Several lonely guys who don’t like Curt Schilling very much took turns Tweeting nasty horrid shit about his teen daughter because that’s how the Internet works. Schilling wrote a piece about it on his blog. He has a blog.

In between a fight with Kevin Millar, congratulating Juan Pierre on a wonderful career (just hated facing him) and praying Josh Hamilton gets right, I started to see this sort of tweet.

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And tweets with the word rape, bloody underwear and pretty much every other vulgar and defiling word you could likely fathom began to follow.

Schilling publicized the real identities of these false bravado Candy Crushers and got them fired from their jobs or suspended from their respective community colleges. Then he lamented how shitty people are today, which of course is completely false as people have always been shitty.

Here’s the real question — why the fuck are you congratulating your daughter on Twitter? You lost your big home in the last bankruptcy so I’m sure it’s not many steps to her bedroom to tell her in person.  If you want to be a dad with a social commentary blog and 7500 Tweets, just expect you’re making yourself and your family unnecessary targets. This isn’t your job or how you’re paying off your various settlements, this is your hobby and it’s getting creepy guys talking about your daughter’s bloody vagina. If you spoke to her in more than 140 characters, you might find she’d prefer you champion somebody else’s cause. Come back to us, Curt. Rhode Island has new money to lose again.

 Photo credit: Getty Images

Taylor Swift Claims Jaime King’s Unborn

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 12:25 PM

Taylor Swift Named Godmother to Jaime Kings Spawn LB
Jaime King suffered three hundred and forty seven miscarriages to bring her latest baby to fruition. One could take the gestational hardship as a sign that it was time to click out to MalawiBabiesNow.com. Or that Taylor Swift would come to lay hands upon her unborn child and announce the Dark Lord of Allentown Adjacent was pleased indeed. King and Swift announced on Instagram that Swift would be named godmother and false humility coach to King’s soon to be baby boy. Tyler Perry already snatched up Oprah so if you’re looking for the $200 million in the bank club, you’re down to Taylor Swift or Shelly Sterling, and Shelly Sterling can’t turn the Hokey Pokey with different words into a platinum selling single.

Photo Credit: Instagram/WWTDD Archives

Britney Spears Loses Her Shit And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 03, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Britney Spears lost a bit of her hair extension on stage like two hood rats yanking out weaves over their baby daddy. Broke ass Indian women gave their hair for you, Brit. Get right with your weave.

Watch Britney’s shame. (Huffington Post)

I love a woman who knows how to tug on her panties. (The Chive)

Emily Ratajkowski in lingerie is faptacular. (Egotastic)

Is it just me or do you kinda want to fight/fuck Ronda Rousey? (TMZ)

Want to see Shailene Woodley covered topless? Me neither, but here it is anyway. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlie Riina bikinis like a fucking champ. (Hollywood Tuna)

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in lingerie makes me want to tallyho her crumpets. (Popoholic)

Bobbi Kristina Ghoul Pool Warming Up

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 11:33 AM

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Bobbi Kristina isn’t heading into the afterlife without the assistance of those who helped her get there. Bobby Brown’s sisters are filming a reality show about their experiences suffering through their niece’s drowning and coma. You can’t imagine their anguish. Especially when they learned they’re not getting any of Bobbi’s twenty million. Her will calls for the Whitney inherited cash to revert back to the Houston family in the event Bobbi followed in her mom’s bath time rituals. Everybody deserves a taste of the corpse. This is probably the time to peruse the omnipresent book of loss, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People While Good Things Happen to Total Shitstains. It explains God’s sense of humor and why Jesus won’t hold you accountable in the event your truck rams into the motel room where Bobbi’s aunts are filming. Check the index. It’s in there.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Micaela Schaefer Snatches 250

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 10:46 AM

Micaela Schaefer Paints An Olymipic Leotard On To Her Body In Germany
I’m going to keep showing pictures of naked German women until somebody at Interpol sends me a threatening letter. This chick likes to paint herself and get naked next to the Brandenburg Gate as a reminder that we could easily go back to tyranny and oppression the day we stop letting chicks get naked and paint themselves next to the Brandenburg Gate. The first six times I applauded. On round seventy-one and I’m wondering why somebody hasn’t tasered her and dropped her off in the Black Forest with a warning about coming up with new creative. I’m sure there’s a reason she’s painted the Olympic Rings on her body. I’m sure I feel about that as I do the Olympics themselves. Wake me when the Brazilians are playing beach volleyball.

Photo Credit: Splash