By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 6:28 AM
Police were called to Donald Sterling’s house, presumably by Shelly Sterling who has an army of nosy yenta neighbors peering through their yellow tinged blinds. Shelly had received word that V. Stiviano was back on the grounds of Camp Geezer Fuck. Shelly despises Stiviano, not because she had a loving marriage broken asunder but because Stiviano her honey paws into the Sterling family till.
Nobody in this upscale neighborhood has actually had sex with their spouse since they made a pledge in college to stop being happy and focus on clothes and cocktail parties. The police came, saw a lot of things wrong but nothing criminal, and left Sterling and Stiviano alone to have a painstaking hour of manual copulation followed by an exchange of money and a search for answers. Shelly probably just wanted the cops to respond for documentation of her ongoing lawsuit against Stiviano who she claims is a professional gold digger. Donald Sterling was slightly put out by the cop call until he realized that meant another hour of the L.A.P.D. not preventing crime in the black community. That finally made him cum.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 6:15 AM
Jeff Garlin protested too much while discussing Selena Gomez. He worked with her on The Wizards of Waverly Place when she was a teen and he played her uncle which makes this whole thing creepier:
“I worked with her for three years, and I love her. She is, at least in terms of what I saw, a great kid. But then I see her sexualized. I know she was in ‘Spring Breakers’ and all that. By the way, I saw ‘Spring Breakers,’ and I’m by myself in the theater, and I couldn’t have felt dirtier.”
Just watching a Harmony Korine flick in the theater by yourself qualifies as predatory behavior. He’s the straight John Waters. The entire idea of his movies is to jump out from behind the Dateline screen and yell, aha, you like underaged girls just like me! Garlin got worse in his quest to not admit he wants to bang indeterminately young ass:
“When I see her sexualized, I look at her and I look at Ariana Grande, both beautiful girls. Really beautiful girls. But they have baby fat. They look like kids… by the way when she’s thirty she’ll be ridiculous.”
They are both old enough to be college graduates. Its not weird to want to fuck them. Its weird to watch their movies. That’s how you can tell normal guys from fringe perverts. Any normal guy would bang Gomez for a few weeks. Perverts deny it and then go look up Japanese school girl tarantula insertions. That’s Garlin’s camp. Being fat and jolly gives you a ton of leeway on these matters. Imagine if Gilbert Gottfried said this shit. I’m not sure Garlin should be playing any more uncles.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 1:28 PM
Joanna Krupa was the sole female celebrity who made the hacker list last month to say, fuck it, if it comes out it comes out. Everybody just needs to chill. It’s not like we all haven’t been naked in Playboy before or worked as professional ladies of the evening, you know, allegedly. Those comments kind of irked Kate Upton and others who weren’t smart enough to get Amex traveler’s cheques for sleeping with important men in town when coming up. I like Krupa’s progressive attitude. We live in an age where if you did something you’re not proud of, too fucking late. It’s coming out. Get ahead of that shit emotionally so you don’t need to cry victim for the ages when TMZ starts posting stuff they bought from your grade school counselor. They’re already haggling over price. Trust me.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 1:11 PM
If you can’t pull off a decent upward bow, you can’t be my girlfriend. Fuck if I grimace when I try to touch my toes. If I can’t rest my chalupa party pack on your midsection for at least the first half of a Sunday NFC East showdown, I’m not going to meet your parents and pretend I have a real job. People who tell you successful relationships are based on love and affection might as well head straight from first date to contentious divorce. Relationships are based on give and take. What are you offering and what do I have to give you in return. I want a girl who can assume all the major porn positions. In return, she can drive my late model Toyota on the weekends. That’s how we’re going to make it fifty years, babe.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 12:29 PM
There comes a time in every truly obnoxious person’s life when they must accept the fact that only their opinion of themselves matters. It’s not easy completely dismissing the thoughts of the rest of the world and embracing the indisputable truth of your own ego. But if you are to be one super twatty annoying piehole, this is a must. Anne Hathaway tells the dig deeper journalists at Elle magazine that fame used to be a bitch because she cared too much about what people thought of her. Now she’s free from any concern over social judgement and so much happier for it:
I’ve realized that I don’t need validation from anybody. At all. I’m not sitting here now worrying, ‘What do you think of me?’ With all due respect, you seem like a lovely lady, but I don’t need you, or anyone else, to like me. And that’s so liberating.
Fuck yeah. Wallow in your own slather of wonderful me and shit bubbles of joy into the ether. Here’s the thing though, this plan never fucking works. Certain sociopaths and elementary school teachers can live a content existence not giving a damn what people think of them, but actors in Hollywood can only talk this talk. They feed off adoration. A tiger can’t change its stripes. And nobody likes a cunty tiger.
Photo Credit: Elle UK
By Jack October 01, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber seems to have moved on from not having sex with Selena Gomez to pretending to bone Kendall Jenner. The two have been seen cavorting around Paris together. Probably shopping and talking about boys.
Just come out of the closet already. (Popoholic)
Amazon put a racism warning on old Tom and Jerry cartoons. (Huffington Post)
Andrea Sportono in a see-through shirt is a very good thing. (Drunken Stepfather)
Jennifer Nicole Lee wears a bikini well ’cause she got big ol titties. (Hollywood Tuna)
Diddy thinks J-Lo’s ass is a work of art and Kim’s is aight. (The Superficial)
I totally want to fly Vietjet if their stewardesses look like that! (The Chive)
Oh, good you get to see Ben Affleck’s dick in Gone Girl. (Dlisted)
By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 11:57 AM
I get the instinct to fuck your way famous in Hollywood. If you’re reasonably attractive and can squeal in the sack, it’s a short cut through all the other forms of pseudo prostitution the ugly people must endure. Jas and Ness Rose, the street fashion designing twins who jointly sister banged Wiz Khalifa out of his marriage to Amber Rose are working their Instagram account for maximum vagina recognition. Social media commenters who carry the righteousness of Moses and the spelling of a developmentally delayed preschooler felt the need to put these sisters in context:
Nasty insesting sister …fucking disgusting..an the manz married , yall sum bottom of the barrel bitches
That’s actually more profound than the syntax might let on. Though I’m not sure fucking the same guy is technically incest, it’s just Happy Fun Special #11 on the Jass and Ness menu.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 11:29 AM
It turns out Ebola patient zero, Thomas Duncan, went to the emergency room in Dallas last week with a high fever and the admitting staff kind of forgot to note that Duncan specifically informed him that he was visiting from Liberia. You know, the epic water slides and Ebola capital of the world. That hospital sent him home with antibiotics and some Welcome to America gift packs and coupons to see the Southfork Ranch.
It’s like a grungy chick from Colombia showing up with intense stomach pains. X-Ray that shit for condoms. I’d quarantine a dude from West Africa if he came in with a hang nail. Now the CDC is hurriedly tracking down everybody Duncan came in contact with between the time he was released from the emergency room last Friday and the time he was spewing Ebola in the back of an ambulance headed to the lock down room at Dallas Presbyterian. It’s a bunch of people. Including kids. Fuck, we love kids. The next time somebody tells you Ebola doesn’t spread in countries like the U.S. because of our super smart modern medical practices, just laugh to yourself and climb into some hazmat gear that will hold you until 2020 when the sign language apes take over.
Photo credit: ABC/Good Morning America