Tetyana Veryovkina in A Bikini

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 1:14 PM

Tetyana Veryovkina Shows Off Curvy Body In Miami
I can’t pronounce this chick’s name, but I know I’m ready to ace the ICE interview so I can earn her her green card. We’ve been dating since we met at the Learning Annex. She coos when I nibble on her Chernobyl toe. He favorite food is squash, baked, not boiled. Her mother is a trade union pipe fitter in the Ukraine. She let me fuck her if I agreed to get her daughter properly set up in the U.S.. Actually forget that last part, but just off the record know that I fucked a hot older Ukrainian plumber because I’ve never won anything in my life and I want somebody to know that. My marriage of convenience money is covering my MLB TV package. She’s got all her shots. Where do I sign?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jaime King Seems Acutely Sensitive

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 12:52 PM

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Jaime King claims that witnessing Kim Kardashian bashed online for being huge and pregnant at the Met Ball two years ago made her cry for five hours. That seems like an awful long time. Especially when learning about The Holocaust in school only elicited a mild grimace.

It was so stunning to me that people thought that that was okay — not only okay but they condoned it.They would not even think about the way it would affect her mental health and the child’s health…. What kind of world are we living in now where this is okay, where our bodies are being essentially sold to the highest bidder regarding their comments and that we are just put up on a cross to be persecuted?

Alright, simmer down there, wildly fortunate blond model Jesus. Consider the remote possibility that people simply don’t like Kim Kardashian. Also, that having a baby out of wedlock with a manic rapper in front of television cameras for money might be worse for baby’s health than Twitter jokes about mom looking like grandma’s couch or just a plain old fat whore. I wrote that latter one at the time, so I’d like some ‘called it’ points.

Here’s Jaime King posting photos of herself pregnant without clothes on to help bring dignity to pregnant women everywhere. Also, twelve thousand new joins on her Instagram account.

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Photo credit: Getty Images

Kit Harrington Tires of Getting Laid So Easily

By Matt March 30, 2015 @ 12:17 PM

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Kit Harrington, who plays fictional hunk master Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, did an interview where he laments that women want to fuck him. It’s unclear if he doesn’t like girls or if this was a poor attempt to cast himself as a warrior for gender equality. Either way he deserves early onset gout:

“To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning… it’s not just men that can be inappropriate sexually, women can be as well. I’m in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don’t like that.”

Getting your choice of pussy off the menu sounds truly fucking horrible. Make your next rant about how NBA travel is tough on players. Dudes get into acting because it seems like an easy life and there’s a bevy of prodigious sex at the end of the rainbow. You don’t need to pretend it’s about art anymore. You’re in. Three years from now you’ll be missing this time in your life and wonder why you chose to join a pointless conversation about gender roles instead of getting your dick sucked in the hot tub by somebody famous’ daughter. Quit being a whiner and remember you’re playing for the rest of us.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Vanilla Ice Buys An Alibi And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 30, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Vanilla Ice is buying the house he robbed as a way to retroactively make the shit he stole his property. You get yourself a decent attorney and that bullshit just my fly in front of a Florida jury.

Read all about Vanilla Ice’s great legal maneuvering. (TMZ)

Will Smith is still trying to pretend he likes vagina. (Dlisted)

Houston Astros bring you the chicken and waffle cone. You’re colon will never forgive you. (COED)

This is Alexis Randock and these are her bikini clad boobies. (Busted Coverage)

Here are some thigh gaps you could drive a truck through. (The Chive)

Bar Rafaeli is sexy as shit in Marie Claire Mexico. (Drunken Stepfather)

Who the fuck is Trevor Noah? (The Superficial)

Selfies Are the Dividing Line

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 11:59 AM

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There is no more powerful force in the universe than the fucking wonder of me. You unleash the social media shit beast, you can’t bitch about where it feeds. New York papers are chiding the number of tools who decided that last week’s East Village gas explosion that killed at least a few people was the perfect backdrop for a selfie. Some guy commented that this kind of loathsome selfie taking encapsulates all that is wrong with New Yorkers. Obviously rampant STDs and nine dollar Whoppers don’t bother that guy much. One selfie chick at the deadly fire wrote an apology because people recognized her and she works pretty high up Democratic state politics:

I am deeply sorry for my careless and distasteful post. It was inconsiderate to those hurt in the crash and to the city of New York. What happened last week in the East Village is not to be taken lightly and I regret my course of action.

She certainly sounds carefully worded very sorry. She forgot the part where she wished she had offered to help out rather than smiling like a dullard in front of the explosion scene. Any half-decent Kennedy family member understands this prime time opportunity. Get a shovel and go dig something not particularly useful. Roll up your sleeves and look concerned. It’s not that hard. This is what makes Presidents.

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Photo credit: Instagram (above), Twitter (below)

Poacher Hunter Warrior Princess

By Matt March 30, 2015 @ 11:26 AM

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Kinessa Johnson is a former US Soldier who fought in Afghanistan and now hunts poachers with her giant guns and an AR-15. Veterans Empowered to Protect African Wildlife, or VEPAW as you moan when you cum to thinking about it, is an organization which trains park rangers to track poachers and provides poachers with an alternative means of employment such as teaching agricultural classes or kindergarten. Johnson has parlayed her work into modeling work for a host of companies looking to sell hunting gear to diehards who want to make sure their boots match their ammo belt. More power to her. If you ever wanted to go gay here’s your loophole. Don’t drink the last Diet Coke unless you want to get pistol whipped. Nice sheath.

Photo Credit: SkallywagTactical.com

Nicola Peltz Might Be Missing

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 11:12 AM

Nicola Peltz Bare Midriff And See Through For Asos
This chick was the best part of the last Transformers. Second maybe to Michael Bay being beat down by Hong Kong racketeers for production protection money. I don’t know what happened to her after the movie. It’s possible she tapped out from shame. Or Wahlberg bludgeoned her when his research team found traces of gook blood in her DNA. It’s like she dropped off the map. Many people walk in and out of your life. When they’re hot and blond, there will be inquiries.

Photo Credit: Asos Magazine

Kylie Jenner Not Riding Scott Disick

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 10:59 AM

Kylie Jenner Wears Bikinis With Scott Disick
Somebody spread a rumor that Scott Disik was banging one or both of the Jenner girls. Probably mom. He’s white, so they might be market testing a new angle. Also, he’s the only heterosexual male within ten miles of the family so it’s not illogical. Plus, he drinks. If it boosted ratings they’d probably order him to bang the family Spaniel, or Rob Kardashian when they track him down in Marrakesh. They can’t show it on camera, but they can pan to shocked reactions with Khloe crying and Kim shoving money into her twat because she gets symbolism. When we blurred the lines between porn and garbage, we lost porn forever.

Photo Credit: Instagram