By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 8:33 PM
It’s hard to imagine what Kim Kardashian finds in common with a former stripper who’s got a bastard baby with a rapper, big fake tits, and butt implants. But Blac Chyna has been named Kim Kardashian’s official bestie, inheriting all the rank and responsibility that comes with the title. Mostly you just have to punch Kim in the uterus after sex with wealthy foreign industrialists so she is never filmed visiting an abortion clinic. Also, you have to carry the wart cream and binge eating money in your clutch. The two gentle flowers spent the afternoon in a private workout session with just a trainer and the barely noticeable six-man reality show film crew. If it doesn’t happen on camera for Kim, it doesn’t really happen. This includes meals, sex, marriages, divorces, paid dates, and whatever comes out of her ass after consuming nothing but diet powder and artificially sweetened chocolate fudge soda.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 8:09 PM
I didn’t bitch when your carbon footprint caused the once lush and fertile valleys of sub-Saharan Africa to dry up leaving behind hordes of starving tribesmen. And when your combustion engines and bacon caused a typhoon drenched Philippines to stop being that place everybody wanted to move to, I said nothing. But now your insatiable demand for modern machinery is fucking with my guacamole.
The good and decent organic sustainable local farming peasants from the Chipotle fast food corporation have given a hint that global climate change could fuck up the price of avocados and make guacamole too expensive too reasonably offer at their franchise outlets:
“Increasing weather volatility or other long-term changes in global weather patterns, including any changes associated with global climate change, could have a significant impact on the price or availability of some of our ingredients.”
Sure it sounds like a standard blanket corporate disclaimer about the variable cost of supplies. Or it means the end to the best fucking guacamole in any Mexican QSR. Old ladies with hairy facial moles in Chihuahua can’t crank out creamy green goodness like the master chefs at Chipotle. I don’t understand why you can’t just start driving electric cars. Electricity is given to us emissions free by the God of Thunder who pulsates its healthy rays down the Bifröst so we can have a green planet. Flip your $30,000 golf carts into the on position, I want my fucking guacamole.
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 5:46 PM
Nicki Minaj is desperate to refute criticisms that her alluring looks are a by-product of cakes of makeup and showy wardrobe. She’s out to prove that she looks amazing makeup free. It’s a bold move for a celebrity to show themselves on social media without any cosmetics, you know, other than the nose job and the big fake titties and a few other surgical touch ups to serve as a buffer against harsh judgement. What else can you say but bravo, and can you show us how you lather up your stinky parts?
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 5:25 PM
All the buzz at the vegan juice bars this week is about how 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture at the Oscars, despite at least two Academy voters admitting they didn’t even watch the film. They voted for it because it just felt right. Nothing shocking really, since most people applauding this film have never seen it either. Movies about the Holocaust, The AIDS, and racism have been certain statue winners for decades now. You make a film about gay black Jews in Dachau trying desperately to smuggle in their AZT and you can start clearing space on your mantle. Even the costume designers are walking home with a trophy. While some people might take offense at the Academy members turing their votes into pure political messages, I think it’s hard to underestimate just how 12 Years a Slave has fundamentally changed the world:
“I think the African American community is glad the film was chosen as best picture because that is a validation of African American history and the pain and suffering within that history, and the survival of that history. In that way, it does help to heal.” — UCLA African-American studies professor, Brenda Stevenson
Tortured black slaves could probably only dream of a day that their story would be told in a Brad Pitt flick and win a jerry-rigged election based on white guilt. Short of reparations and school namings in the crappy parts of town, Academy Awards have to be the closest thing we all can do to make right what somebody you don’t know’s great-great-great-great grandparents did to get their cotton picked. Sure, we could focus on the brutalities and atrocities taking place in 2014, but only by reaching back to the 19th century can we win Best Picture. That other crap has to settle for Documentary Short.
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 4:52 PM
Everybody goes crazy when a white girl shows up on the beach with a nice ass. It’s similar to how they celebrate the one dude from Mexico who competes in the Winter Olympics or how everyone gasps when an Asian kid can’t unscramble trigonometry. It’s wildly racist and unexpected. I know plenty of fair-haired girls with great bottoms. For shorthand, I refer to them as girls who tell me to stop fucking staring at their ass. Which is fine, because there’s nothing wrong with a girl whose ass resembles an older man in Dockers. You want gravity to take hold of your hand as it drops from the small of her back to her ankles without anything getting in the way. Flat as a board? They ought to call it hot as a board. There’s nothing finer than a woman’s college basketball low post specialist.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Jack March 06, 2014 @ 4:09 PM
According to Page Six, Andrew Garfield broke the heart of a little kid with cancer. Garfield was set to present at the Oscars with 5 year old Miles Teller, a little boy battling cancer who loves superheroes, when he pitched a fit. It all began when San Francisco rallied around sick Miles, dressed him up as Batkid, and he got to meet a costumed Batman. Pretty fucking sweet. So, Garfield agreed to go on the Oscars and dub the kid an official superhero. Miles and his family came down to LA and then everything went to shit. According to the report, Garfield refused to learn his lines and was apparently going off the cuff with inappropriate dialogue. There’s nothing worse than an actor off the hook. When the producers asked him to stop, he stormed away like he was pretending to be an angry man in an acting class scene and left little cancer Miles in tears. How the fuck could Spiderman do such a thing? I do not know. I’m sure he has some defense to his actions, none of which will stand up in the media to a five year old kid with cancer being disappointed.
Update: According to a million and one reports out there now, curiously, the fault lies with Oscar producers and Andrew in fact is a saintly saint who hung out with Miles at his hotel and then took him to Disneyland and then maybe to the Anaheim Cheetah’s champagne room for some VIP lap dances. Damn, that is nice.
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 2:12 PM
The E! Channel has arranged for Khloe Kardashian to guest host their canned laugh track gay squeezer Chelsea Lately while Chelsea Handler is on her BBC adventure staycation. Khloe makes perfect sense as she’s both been fired from her remedial X-Factor teleprompter reading gig and helped co-host her mother’s talk show which crashed and burned miserably in its first run. Still, networks love synergy between their shows, which is shorthand for Khloe costs nothing since she’s already paid to be the troubled fat one on KUWTK. To celebrate the great news that she’d not really earned another job on television, Khloe posted her first ever Vine video. The quick clip shows her body being rubbed down with self-tanner so her tits will glow on television. There’s really no light brighter than the twinkle in the eye of a mildly-retarded girl when she’s told to take off her top for the cameras. I just hope OJ gets to see this before he passes.
Photo Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Vine
By Jack March 06, 2014 @ 1:31 PM
The video absolutely no one was waiting to see, Justin Bieber pissing in a cup in jail, has been released onto an unsuspecting world. The video was taken during Bieb’s arrest for being a drunken douchenozzle in Miami a few months ago. People, who I guess want to desperately see his dong, clamored for the video of him taking a piss test to be released. The judge ordered the video edited and a black bar to be placed to hide the little troll’s mangina. It wouldn’t do for the world to see that he’s hung like a toddler. I don’t think he meant for the black bar to be quite so big. You would use a black bar this size to cover up a giant John Holmes sized Wookie dick not the little nubbin between Bieber’s legs. I’d assume Biebs asked his lawyers to specify that they make the bar bigger to give the impression that the ladies be clamoring for Justin for more than just his fat wallet and primo weed. A good test would be to take away his money and find out.