Yes, You Are the Only Sad Fuck Who Didn’t Get Screwed By His Hot Teacher in High School

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 2:46 PM


There are some social criminal phenomenons clearly blown out of proportion by the cable and digital news ratings whores. 24×7 coverage of school shootings belies the fact that you’re far more likely to be killed getting to and from high school each day than by a disaffected suburban kid with guns. One phenomenon I’m pretty sure actually is real is lady teachers banging the shnozz out of their boy students. This isn’t just saturated coverage, this is saturated teacher pussy grinding on teen boys. Every ten seconds in America, an English teacher is begging a junior to make her cum like a Dickensian whore.

Ashley Zehnder did nothing other than love a student at her Houston area high school. There’s nothing wrong with love. Or fucking because you’re in love. Or just fucking and pretending you’re in love. Ashley didn’t even seek out this taboo boot knocking. The cunning  kid was on high school cheerleading squad overseen by Ashley for the only reason virile young men join the cheerleading team, they’re trying to get laid. What the hell was Ashley Zehnder to do? Perhaps not Snapchat a nude picture of herself for this braggart to send all around school. That might have lacked foresight.

Her young lover spilled the beans as soon as he was questioned. The downfall of predators everywhere. Those stupid kids and their Twitter texting devices. It used to be your could bang your underaged plaything and tell them you’d have to murder their parents if you told anyone. Now, everybody’s posted everything to Facebook faster than you can threaten them. Women picked an unfortunate technological era to begin raping their male students.

Sally Fitzgibbons Surfs Professionally

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:58 PM

Professional Surfer Sally Fitzgibbons Shows Off Her Athletic Body On The Beach In Australia
Who doesn’t like surfer girls. They’re hot tom boys with Australian accents who will never make you hold their purse at the mall. They don’t even have a purse. They have knapsack and it’s filled with industrial lube they need to use you sexually to get loose before a competition. If she let’s me use her car when she travels, that’s my version of a perfect relationship.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Gwyneth Paltrow Does Aerobics Just Like You and Me (VIDEO)

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:37 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow wants everyone to know she can turn the world on with just one smile. Six months or so ago, she just wanted to let everyone know she could kill you with just one phone call. How one unconscious coupling can change even the most pretentious woman. Especially when the media is saturated solely with news of Gay Beethoven and his semi-erect shtupping of Jennifer Lawrence. The Wicked Witch doesn’t mind being called wicked, she just can’t abide not being talked about at all.

Gwyneth Paltrow is everywhere. She’s gushing on talk shows, penning Obama fantasy fiction, and showing off her more human side she had a team of market researchers outline for her on Powerpoint. Gwyneth even let someone film her doing group aerobics while laughing like a schoolgirl on camera. Where is our mega-bitch and what have you done with her?

When the holidays come around, expect to see Gwyneth ‘caught’ on camera ladling out soup at the homeless shelters and helping random parents afford organic moisturizing hand lotion for their children. Operation Make Gwyneth Slightly Less Hated, engage!

Photo Credit: Instagram

Alyssa Barbara Lingerie Unreal And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 23, 2014 @ 12:00 PM


Chicks with tattoos can be dangerous. Chicks with full sleeves of Isis crying are mostly just crazy. Those are the fun ones. Wait until you find out that’s not even close to Isis and she makes you repeat the name of some Santeria goddess while holding a knife to your scrotum. That’s a first date when you date crazy.

Alyssa Barbara? In lingerie? On a Bed? Yes, please! (Drunken Stepfather)

Read about Mama June’s new love and his love of little kids. (The Superficial)

Watch Biebs hilarious try to pick up a model using Disney pickup lines. (TMZ)

Jessie J goes to event and forgets to wear a bra or a shirt. (Hollywood Tuna)

Olivia Munn is a BILF – Ballerina I’d Like To Fuck. (Popoholic)

Jenny McCarthy says Donnie Wahlberg’s dick is beautiful. (Dlisted)

In my day geek chicks did not look like Meg Turney. They looked like Meg from Family Guy. (COED)

Little Girls Say Fuck A Lot (VIDEO)

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 10:50 AM

There are bad ideas, then there are bad ideas couched in the context that anything done for a noble cause is a good idea. The latter is a philosophy deeply embraced by Western feminists and Islamic terrorists entering pizza parlors. The gay rights and I guess now women’s rights T-shirt company FCKH8 deplores the fact that women are still treated as lesser citizens than men according a series of debunked statistical talking points. FCKH8 decided to cast a bunch of innocent grade school girls to shout the word fuck on camera and then talk about how that’s not even close to as offensive as the fact that female biochemists make less than male burger flippers and over 80% of women who visit parks today will be sexually assaulted by former President Bush. At least they canned the original idea for the girls to cut off their pinkies on camera and scream ‘Now I’m no longer a perfect princess, devalue me more, evil ball sack rapists!’. Though I probably would watched that video to the end.

It’s okay to be super into women’s rights and to use the pain of historical discrimination to justify lying about current conditions to get your point across. That’s standard politics. It’s expected. But exploiting little girls to help stop the exploitation of little girls seems a bit counterintuitive. Not to mention abusive. Robbing little girl actresses of their innocence is a job best left to Disney TV casting directors. 5 out of 5 girls in your video just got raped. By you. Congratulations. I hope you sell a bunch of  your $15 t-shirts.

Kathryn Budig Works Out Well

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 10:05 AM

Kathryn Budig Does Nude Yoga For Toe Sox
Let’s say you’re thinking about going to the gym naked. You’re going to want to get these sox. They’re called ToeSox, because somebody in marketing couldn’t think of anything better. They provide your entire body with the grip it needs to perform yoga, Pilates, or a court ordered Outward Bound intervention program entirely without clothing. That’s like some superhero special suit type powers. These socks also prevent the transfer of yeast, bacteria, or viral infections to your body due to wiggling your naked flesh across gymnasium equipment just shvitzed and sneezed on by the last guy. That’s no joke. Rub your bare tits on a sweaty treadmill and check for rashes the next day. Thank you ToeSox.

Photo Credit: Toe Sox

Jennifer Hudson Got Your Gay Rights Right Here

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 9:29 AM

Jennifer Hudson Wears Exposed Bra To LGTB Benefit In NYC
Hollywood chicks love to show their tits off at gay events. It’s something akin to the palms up symbol when Maasai warriors cross paths in the savannah. I mean you no harm. I carry no weapons. Save for these gigantic tits I had to have enhanced because I lost too much weight eating nothing but Tanqueray soaked boba balls for nineteen months. It’s all about representing peace. And scaring the shit out of the gay men who fear your tits might touch their face. That’s probably homophobic, but only like barely so.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

Abby Cubey In a Black Bikini

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 8:54 AM

Abby Cubey Wears A Black Bikini On The Beach In Malibu
Fuck the 138 Water blood sucking sinister interplanetary invading bitches. This is too much. A Filipina girl with big tits. That’s got to be the Secret Weapon X they’ve been holding out on. This isn’t even supposed to exist. It doesn’t exist. Not on this planet. All I ask is that this big breasted anomaly be the one to consume my flesh. I want to see the face of God as I free my earthly bonds.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet