Tara Reid Sinking, DJs Be Inking

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 9:36 AM

Tara Reid Relaxes Poolside In A Bikini In Miami
Shortly after Tara Reid bared her sloppy ass flesh to the Miami jet setters, the thespian boarded a flight back to L.A. where she got wasted, met a kid who claimed to be a DJ, got him wasted, landed, and escorted him to a tattoo parlor to get her name inked on his forearm for the forever. Tara then took off because if she’s not home before the booze wears off, her carriage turns back into a pumpkin.

The most telling part of this monsters ball comes when the reporter asks the junior college applied arts major if he anticipates he may someday regret having a barfly’s name tattooed on his arm. Nope, he answers like a true fucking cowboy. Don’t bother putting this on your resume, the guy you’re job interviewing with has already seen it twice.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Trevor Noah is Perfect

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 8:55 AM

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Don’t fuck this up, people who craft their opinions from Comedy Central’s Daily Show. Trevor Noah is a perfect follow-on to the Jon Stewart era. There’s some bullshit hullabaloo because somebody dug into his old Tweets and found some jokes he made about fat chicks, Jewish chicks, and lesbians, the holy trinity of the Daily Show demographic. That’s just noise. Trevor Noah is young, African, and about to show America just how stupid and racist and xenophobic it is compared to the rest of the world. His comedy routines in his home country typically consist of stupid stereotypes about Americans being stupid and stereotyping:

The best ignorant conversation I had was in California, in a place called Malibu. There, at the beach, he met a California girl whose questions get more embarrassing as they joke goes on, from “how did you get to America?” to “do you guys have waves in Africa?” to “have you ever had AIDS?”

Dumb American chick. I’m glad they don’t have those in Africa which American ignorance forces me to believe is one large continental collective of disease ridden savannah with relief provided solely by UNICEF and Madonna’s occasional trips to pick up a new baby. At best that’s 70-percent true. Totally ignoring the pockets of rich colonial remnants living in luxury behind their barbed wire compounds. I know Europe conquered and proceeded to fuck up much of Africa. Big whoop. My brother beat me at rock-paper-scissors and took the top bunk during high school. That didn’t encourage me to start slaking my thirst from from rivers with bobbing cadavers.

Trevor Noah is funny and thinks American should be more like shittier countries who have no choice but to care about the rest of the world. He’s perfect.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Harvey Weinstein Handsy

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 8:29 AM

Harvey-Weinstein-Accepts-Humanitarian-Award

Here’s something to keep in the back pocket. When a 60-something rich dude invites a 20-something model to his private office to discuss her career, he intends to fuck the shit out of her. Not some of the time. Every single time. I’m not sure where this falls into the Rape Culture curriculum, but bump it up to first semester because it seems like a gimme. The Pope himself will plug you right in the papal hole if you fell for that simpleton ruse. The God of the bible is a God who values a practical lesson

Harvey Weinstein stands accused by a young Italian model of inviting her to his private offices in Manhattan to discuss her bright future then asking her if her tits were real and proceeding to check for himself. Being a man of unending appetites, he next went under her skirt. Imagine the horror of the ESL model prepared to recite Christopher Walken’s Watch monologue from Pulp Fiction for Weinstein and win herself a lead in the next Steve McQueen Oscar pic. She went to the cops. It’s not clear what case she might have against Weinstein once he declares, I didn’t do shit, and hoists the big ass Humanitarian Award he was awarded by the Simon Wiesenthal Center just last week. In all likelihood she’ll never still not work in this town again. It’s sad, but a harsh warning to other women coming to Hollywood, there is no such thing as half-fucked.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Poet Hot For Kanye

By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Poet

Sarah Blake is a poet who has written a book of poetry about Kanye West. It was published by the Wesleyan University Press because publishing books nobody buys allows you to pretend you’re on the cultural vanguard. In fact you’re publishing books about hipster twats who are writing poems about Kanye West. A sample of Blake’s insufferable nonsense:

“The first poem I wrote, ‘Kanye’s Circulatory System,’ was actually still about my grandfather.”

If your grandfather were here, he’d beat you with that crappy book of yours. His generation won wars and fucked without condoms because neither unexpected babies nor their dicks falling off bothered them. Not as much as shit poetry. Blake was once granted a Literature Fellowship from the National Endowment for the Arts, which means your tax dollars are contributing to this horse shit. I reaffirm my belief that most people in grad school are unemployable. You could boycott the book but nobody would notice.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Jamie Foxx Not Correct (VIDEO)

By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 7:35 AM

JF

Jamie Foxx is being labeled ‘transphobic’ after he read off a couple weakly written  joke about Bruce Jenner at the I Heart Radio Music Awards. Foxx was completely unaware that certain groups are off limits when it comes to jokes. That might seem like discrimination but if you have six hours someone will gladly explain it to you as you protect your face. It should be noted Foxx was joking about a dude who is actively involved in selling every inch of his personal life to reality television and not a random wigged haberdasher in the front row:

“We have some groundbreaking performances here too tonight. We got Bruce Jenner, will be here doing some musical performances. He’s doing a his and her duet all by himself. Look, I’m just busting your balls, while I still can.” 

Bruce Jenner needs to be made fun of. His impending cock lopping is the only interesting thing about him. This was the fiftieth most offensive thing that happened at this show behind multiple Chris Brown cutaways and the fact it exists. Wake me when the bad jokes are about people not trying to turn a buck on their fame. You dance with the devil and you just might have dick jokes made about you.

Aaron Hernandez’ Fiancee Is a Keeper

By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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Aaron Hernandez’ fiancee Shayanna Jenkins testified that she put a box containing a murder weapon into a plastic bag and then drove around and threw it in the dumpster because she’s a good woman. Her lawyers then scored some sympathy points by making it known she tried to ignore the fact that the babysitter was blowing Hernandez on the regular. Jenkins is one to make sacrifices in regards to romance and her ability to not commit perjury or be an accessory to murder:

“I made a decision that if I was going to move back in with Aaron I would have to compromise on his behavior and that included infidelity and everything that came along with that. And I decided it was worth fighting for.”

I wonder if it had anything to do with the money. I watch a lot of daytime TV but I still don’t feel sorry for you. You can ask me to put on that fireman outfit any night but my commitment ends when I’m discarding recently expended weapons. Women like bad boys. For some it’s the dude who gets drunk and beats up an unsuspecting bystander at a Stanley Cup riot. For others it’s serial murderers whose worst quality is that they struggle with mongamy. You get what you pay for. Lock her up.

Photo Credit: Youtube/WPRI

Sasha Baron Cohen Getting Rolled

By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

SBC

The Freddie Mercury biopic starring Sasha Baron Cohen has been officially called off. Most everyone involved in the production characterized Cohen as an indolent diva much to the surprise of everybody who has never met anybody successful in the entertainment industry before. On Thursday, Queen’s manager Jim Beach appeared to resuscitate hope for the project:

“We have now managed to persuade Sacha Baron Cohen to write, produce and direct this movie, and he has also agreed to star.”

Major news outlets ran with this as fact because first hand information is slightly more worthwhile than the gibberish laden tweets they normally use as source. In truth, Beach was making fun of Cohen because his desire to control the project ultimately led to him being fired. Surviving Queen member Brian May took a pot shot at some of Cohen’s recent work which he is lobbying to get into the Smithsonian:

“In the end we felt his presence in the movie would be very distracting. What led us to that conclusion was the last three movies that he’s made. The Dictator, Les Miserables, and Hugo.” 

You look like a super famous singer who died from The AIDS. Show up topless in suspenders, go through the motions and you’ll be taking home a certain Oscar. It’s always unfortunate when people let ego get in the way of what is sure to be a mediocre cynical money grab. The trailer could have been amazing.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Demi Lovato Motivated

By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

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Demi Lovato is a proponent of healthy body image for women. As opposed to those who aren’t. This means she’ll post tons of photos of herself when she’s feeling super in shape and pretend she just wants everybody to accept those who aren’t so tight. It’s like Mr. T telling you to eat your vegetables. Unless you’ve got steroid muscles, a mohawk and fifty pounds of gold chain, all you’re getting out of that is a regular bowel movement. Demi’s self acceptance is belied by a seemingly psychotic mission to work out:

“I want success more than I want sleep.. And that’s why nothing stops me from killing the gym on Saturday mornings..”

Don’t people go to the gym to get thinner? Sure there are a few chicks doing power squats but mostly they’re sweating it out to house music thinking about that moment of weakness when they had that second rice cake and let Jeremy Piven enter their sacred space. The ones logging long hours are typically deeply insecure and trying to make up for it. It’s one or the other Demi. Just ask the dog with the boner.

Photo Credit: Instagram