James Franco Deals Well With Poor Reviews

By Jack April 18, 2014 @ 3:14 PM

Professional handsome guy James Franco is all in a tizzy over an unfavorable review of his Broadway show. Franco is currently starring in a revival of Of Mice And Men where he plays George to Chris O’Dowd’s Lenny. Pissy New York Times Critic Ben Brantley thought the show sucked donkey balls. He said Franco sounded like Yosemite Sam. But, rather than take criticism like a man, Franco decided to lash out on that favorite tool for teen temper tantrums, Twitter:

“Sadly Ben Brantley and the NYT have embarrassed themselves. Brantley is such a little bitch he should be working for Gawker.com instead of the paper of record. The theater community hates him, and for good reason, he’s an idiot.”

I haven’t seen the show. I’m too poor to both afford tickets and pay for my uncontrollable online porn habit. But it is scientifically impossible for this show to not suck. James Franco and Chris O’Dowd doing Steinbeck? I just said that like it means anything. Just picture James Franco being a shitty actor in tons of movies, then pretend he’s trying to do something subtle and poignant, like telling seventeen year old girls to meet him in a hotel room. The dude’s art is not subtle. It’s looking good and having a bawdy laugh at the world as he screws everyone’s daughters. So you’re not a good actor. You still get all the benefits of one. Shut that fucking Twitter account off already and ask AOL to kindly bring back their Teens Only chat rooms where you can conquest with more quiet dignity.

Kylie Jenner’s Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman Whore

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 2:45 PM

Kylie Jenner In Daisy Dukes Leaving Sugarfish In Calabasas
Kylie Jenner finds it insulting that people insist she’s had plastic surgery just because she comes from a family obsessed with plastic surgery, mom, dad, sisters, I think the dog had a scrotal tuck. Also because even though she’s only how ever many fake years old, she looks pretty different than she did a year or two ago. Some website went to the trouble of documenting the change in the size of her lips, which I guess isn’t technically surgery, just collagen injections or rubbing poison ivy plucked from Khloe’s fresh dung onto your lips to make them ducky.

It really is easy to forget Kylie is just sixteen. You know, given that she’s been out of school for two years, is a TV star, has multiple merchandising lines, and tools around in her luxury SUV, Still, I can’t help recall the time Kim went on some stupid TV show to get x-rays to prove she didn’t have butt implants. No, just the tender blubber of slaughtered baby narwhals shot into her ass like so many black athletes looking to add their name to the list. A bit of the parsing of words, or as the Kardashians call them, those letters altogether thingees. I’d judge Kylie more if I wasn’t staring at her under-aged ass, which while perfectly legals, still seems pretty damn creepy. I like to think this is a safe place to share.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

WWE Blacklists Nancy Grace

By Jack April 18, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

The WWE has banned its wrestlers from going on shrill harpie Nancy Grace’s shitty talk show. We told you about her ambush of Diamond Dallas Page over the death of the Ultimate Warrior. He came on to talk about his friend but all the screaming crone wanted to do was pontificate about steroid use. She even had a doctor who never treated the Ultimate Warrior on to speculate that steroids are what killed him. All of that cable news nonsense pissed off WWE president and horse testes juice chugging Vince McMann who sent out a blanket threat that none of the WWE’s wrestlers can go to her show or talk to her without getting shitcanned from fake fighting. Blacklisted, biyatch! If only Vince could track any of his own cliche pro wrestline dramatic story lines. Being banned is awesome. It only gives you more power to make a comeback or stomp into the ring unexpected at Wrestlemania. This is a victory for the cockeyed shrew. It gives her something to be smug about. At some point, this will need to be settled in the only place that matters. The ring.

Laura Prepon Snags Tom Cruise

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 1:10 PM

Laura Prepon Looking Chesty At The Weinstein Company & Netflix's 2014 Golden Globes After Party In Los Angeles
When you’re dating Scientology, there’s no bigger catch than Tom Cruise. Forget the mock turtlenecks, the three divorces and the curiously produced offspring, Tom is the MVP of the descendants of Xenu and his intergalactic space armada. It’s like being the groupie chosen to go backstage after a Kenny G concert. It’s a get. And Laura Prepon done got it, including an invite as Tom’s date up to John Travolta’s house for a Cleansing Means I’m No Longer Gay dinner party. It’s like a David Geffen house party, only everybody there is only desperately thinking about sodomizing the male catering staff.. At 5’10″, Laura stands two feet taller than Tom Cruise who only through movie magic is able to hide his extreme dwarfism. But Tom’s always preferred the tall women as the dramatic height difference reminds him of his ultimate destiny to sneak undetected into the Castle of Bandau and release the Sleeping Warriors to seal victory for a bunch of self-loathing wealthy homosexuals on the down low in Hollywood. Laura Prepon, your ticket just got punched to take a spin on the Tom Cruise will fuck you up merry-go-round. See you in three years when Tom is helicoptering off with your inexplicably half-black baby child.

Photo Credit: Getty

Kourtney Kardashian In A Bikini

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Kourtney Kardashian In A Bikini Poolside In Cabo San Lucas
If you’re like me, you can’t wait until E! sends Chewbaca and Kourtney to The Hamptons to open up their new store for feeble minded girls with borrowed credit cards. With each new Kardashian spinoff comes the promise that one of the illiterate munions will be killed accidentally by a stoned gaffer fucking up something electrical. Kourtney Kardashian is taking a break from her life as the supervisor to the nannies of two bastard children by suntanning in Cabo. There was a rumor she was going to marry the former semi-employed snowboard instructor she keeps letting knock her up, but apparently the couple are happy as is, just being filmed monkeys for cash. This is good news for Kim who doesn’t want her totally less ass awesome older sister stealing any attention from her own wedding number three coming up whenever all the photo and TV rights deals are finally inked. It’s impossible to describe in words how much I can’t stand the Kardashians. So I just printed out this blurry picture of Kourtney and took a dump on it. Nothing personal, Kourt. I was actually thinking about your mom.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Lindsay Lohan Was Humiliated By Her List Of Sexual Conquests (VIDEO)

By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Lindsay Lohan’s “docu-series” comes to an end on Sunday with a big two-part series finale, so if you haven’t been watching up to this point, you’re just like the majority of people in America. Apparently the series conclusion has Lindsay making a triumphant return to the public life, which is actually just her introducing Miley Cyrus at a concert, and also preparing for a new role in a thriller, which either refers to her cameo on 2 Broke Girls, which could be described as “thrillingly unwatchable horseshit,” or maybe the movie Inconceivable, for which the plot is being “kept under wraps,” probably because it doesn’t exist.

But the most intense scene of the trailer for the finale has Lindsay crying about how “mean and humiliating” the leak of her sex list was, and I honestly feel bad for her. She probably had no clue it would get her so much attention when she wrote down the names of every famous guy she’s sucked off and then released it to a tabloid. You just can’t trust anyone these days.

Victoria Beckham’s Life Is Much Better Than Yours

By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Victoria Beckham turned 40 years old yesterday, which is truly remarkable if you consider the fact that none of the Spice Girls ever looked that young when they were popular. If you’d have asked me how old I thought she or the other women who didn’t marry one of the most famous and wealthiest men in the world were today, I’d have probably started with the high 70s and worked my way down in total disbelief. But Posh and David Beckham are still pretty young and incredibly rich, so they spent her birthday somewhere that none of us poor assholes have even heard of. They probably already live on Elysium and we just won’t know about it until we’re all wearing robot armor and trying to fight the mutated AIDS virus off.

Photo Credit: Victoria Beckham Twitter

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Remembering Better Days

By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

For most people, Throwback Thursday is a way to let your friends know that you hate the way that your life has turned out and you want nothing more in the world than to travel back in time to the days when things weren’t as shitty and meaningless. But for Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s just a way to throw some more battery acid at her ruined marriage to Chris Martin, as she tweeted this photo with her kids along with the message “luckiest mom ever.” Is she trying to tell Chris that their kids love her more than him? Yes, she absolutely is, because Gwyneth Paltrow is a mean, hateful demon who was birthed on this planet straight from Satan’s butthole. But her kids sure do love her, that’s for certain.