Petra Nemcova wants to show you how her un-Photoshopped lingerie pictures look so she posted a photo of herself unvarnished (on the left) next to the one that ultimately made it into the Ultimo lingerie catalog. If this were a real empty celebrity feminist plea to stop altering my body, the photos might look dramatically different. But they don’t. Because mostly Petra just wants to show you how fucking hot she looks in lingerie without any touch ups. It worked. I still remember when Jesus saved her from the tsunami. Well done, Jesus.
The new m.o. for Super Bowl commercials is to release them days ahead of the game online. Some free bang for whatever millions you’re paying to run the thing on TV on Sunday. If you make the Buzzfeed third grade listicle for best commercials post game, all the better. McDonald’s Super Bowl ad will announce a new campaign where you can get your order for free if you follow the strict instructions from your McDonald’s cashier to show an act of love. Like, call your mom and tell her she’s the best mom ever. Or hug your son and tell him why he’s special. If you’re alone, you can ask the homeless guy with pancreatic cancer outside to dance with you. If you’re willing to follow these orders, on camera, you might just save yourself the three dollars on your Mickey D’s tab.
In the commercial, the McDonald’s counter people are attractive twenty-somethings with perfect English. Anticipate your McDonalds might be a more recent arrival to America who has to repeat herself five times and eventually spits measles in your Shamrock shake. Also, those attractive but safe looking fast food patrons clapping for you might be a schizophrenic woman with a fork in her eye and a guy who just landed in the wheel well of an airplane gestating Ebola. Don’t let them start clapping. It just spreads the infection
The Top Chef hostess posted a bikini picture of herself on Instagram announcing that her friend says it looks like she has a cock in her bikini bottoms. She added the caveat that her friend is gay so he sees cock everywhere. That’s a lot of information for one bikini picture. Also, I see the cock too. Maybe she shouldn’t have posted this one. There has to be a reason why billionaires keep banging her. Millionaires have sex with high maintenance celebrities they regret almost immediately. Billionaires employ attractive orphans that nobody will miss after they grow tired of them. But a hot Indian girl with a fat shlong who knows how to cook. I can see a Dell brother deciding that’s worth a portion of the empire.
In a more civilized society, we’d tell faded pop stars that we were driving them to MTV to discuss a comeback reality show and then we’d shoot them humanely in the back of the head. Thanks to the new Backstreet Boys documentary I can now not learn a bunch of things about the turn of the millennium boy band that I never cared about the first time. For instance, did you know the band never broke up. That’s sort of like Joe Namath saying he never retired from the Jets. I’m not sure what it means in practical terms. The band still tours with some of its original members, playing airport lounges for now 30-something women who remember touching themselves for the first time to thoughts of A.J. McClean and Nick Carter. There’s Nick Carter now grabbing his chunky wife’s ass. He looks like somebody told Jeremy Renner to play a retard. Still feel like stirring the honeypot beneath the cover of darkness? If only they didn’t have to make a documentary about everything.
The porn star, the large one, the model, and her British lesbian girlfriend all went to see Sam Smith in concert. God invented Sam Smith so that he could finally take Spandau Ballet into heaven. It’s a big to do when three or more Kardashians are in the same place at the same time. I believe the appropriate term for a group of Kardashians is a whoreling. After the show, Sam Smith allowed the girls to use him as a prop for their selfies as he gave them a few bars of his new sad song about when cock goes flaccid. Kim and Khloe just sighed, while Kendall and Cara finger banged each other and promised their love would be forever. Then somebody made a joke about it being a school night and everybody laughed and queefed.
Disney heralded their introduction of the first Latina cartoon princess. Sí, se puede. Disney was forced to wait until Walt’s retinal cones had fully decomposed in his forever refrigerator before they were allowed to go brown, hence, why forty years after all other media outlets. Princess Elena is from Avalor, which isn’t in Latin American per se, but there will be beheaded taxi drivers with drug cartel signs spray-painted on their lifeless torsos to provide cultural ambience. Disney executives couldn’t be more excited in their corporate approved press releases:
What excites us most is the chance to use distinctive animation and visual design to tell wonderful stories influenced by culture and traditions that are familiar to the worldwide population of Hispanic and Latino families and reflect the interests and aspirations of all children as told through a classic fairy tale
In short, do you realize how many damn Mexicans there are on the way to Disneyland?
Disney introduced its first black princess all the way back in 2009 so they’ve had a long history of blending multicultural characters in with their Hitler youth inspired stable of lovable scamps. Though many in the Latino community are wondering why Disney won’t specifically designate Princess Elena as Latin-American in the animated work itself and only in its press releases. But then those people don’t have a supercomputer in their basement that calculates lunch box sales based on how many times you exclaim, Ay Dios Mio!
The obvious downside of being a chick who wears a bikini for her nine to five is the starvation and gym workouts you can’t fake. The upside, sleeping until 11:00 am and casually running a credit check on the guy in your bed who claims to be a successful night club owner. Will he be a winner or a dud? This is fantasy football for models in Miami.
Nineteen year old Oregon State dropout Kendra Sunderland (here’s her Vine page) apparently still has access to the school library. Without a lot of studying to do she decided to go in there and film herself stripping and making lady gravy for 31 minutes. The video really caught on amongst students, especially those who had her in Bio Lab. In fact the video got more than 260,000 views on PornHub which is probably more viewers than all the Academy Award nominated films combined. By some weird quirk of the law, It’s illegal for chicks to masturbate in state school libraries. Sunderland was arrested for public indecency after police witnessed the tape, fifteen to seventeen times, alone, except for those two officers who always seemed kind of tight. This is what is called a victimless crime. I applaud this brave young woman for taking control of her own body and not falling victim to the constructs of a male dominated society. Her body, her choice. Especially when uploaded to PornHub. She’s probably not the brightest dildo in the drawer but I’m still head over heels.