Suge Knight And Katt Williams Partners In Crime

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

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Suge Knight and Katt Williams stole a female paparazzi’s camera in Beverly Hills because they are working on their Guinness Record rap sheet stats. It seems like taking a camera when it’s pointed in your face by a chick in recovery should have a legal exemption. Not the case, it’s still stealing. Knight was arrested in Vegas while Williams was arrested in court where he was already appearing for a separate charge and put into a special room for people they don’t know what to do with.

At this point it seems Knight wants to visit prison to order more gang hits and Williams is seeking arrest to garner material about how oppressed he is. When the two of them are together don’t make any plans. Knight hasn’t gone hours without a probable felony since he was kicked out of kindergarten for smuggling. Couple that with a crackhead who lacks impulse control and this is what happens. The photographer now lives in fear for her life:

“The thing I’m concerned about is my private information, because Suge Knight’s a dangerous person. Suge Knight’s a dangerous guy.”

Why? Because he likes to hang people out of windows and you can’t put him down him with earthly bullets? In that case you may want to avoid stalking him and harassing him with your janky pap antics. Alec Baldwin might call you a dyke faggot cunt but Suge Knight will have your legs broken along with the barista who over-foamed his latte earlier. Honestly, you’re probably already dead. I’d come to terms now with the irony of being a paparazzi who worries about an invasion of her privacy. Jesus is going to want to hear this one.

Donny Deutsch Scams Realtor

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 7:43 AM

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Former MSNBC host and regular channel change motivator Donny Duetsch lost a lawsuit because he went behind his realtor’s back when brokering a deal. Deutsch is the son of a billionaire and apparently figured he didn’t need to pay his realtor’s commission free because God made less rich people for rich people to shit upon. His realtor brought him a potential buyer for his $30 million dollar crash house. Instead of brokering the deal through the realtor, Duetsch just contacted the buyer directly and did the deal without him. This thought briefly goes through anyone’s mind until they realize they have a conscience, or lacking that, a contract. The judge lambasted Deutsch for being an entitled fake glasses wearing prick:

“This court considers that and refusal to acknowledge [realtor] as the broker to be marks of dishonesty and greed… Both characteristics are particularly unbecoming when exhibited by those blessed with great wealth”

The commission owed is $1.2 million. It’s mildly irritating that some Coldwell Banker tool with a convertible can simply arrange a meeting between two rich people and earn that kind of cash. But that’s why you employ them. If you don’t want to hire a realtor you’re going to have to check your own email and make yourself available on weekends and buy lots of potpourri and hot pockets. But you don’t have that kind of time. That’s why you pay the big bucks after the judge calls you an asshole.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Rednecks Not Supporting Tits

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 7:09 AM

 

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Redneck Heaven, a Hooter’s inspired rip off in Texas, has been forced to abandon their popular ABC (Anything But Clothes) Nights where servers would incompetently wait tables in just body paint. The City Council of Lewisville passed a special law to prohibit topless waitresses which proves all politicians are assholes.

Apparently the body paint offended a number of moms who walked into Redneck Heaven thinking it was the Boston Market where they usually pick up the dinner they pretend is homemade for their family. The offended customers wrote letters and the town elders made the titties verboten, removing a certain joy from the world, as well as the half decent tips these waitresses and likely single moms were getting to cover their rent. Bravo, offended people, you have made everyone but yourself miserable. You have won.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Mothers Against Whores Target Kardashians

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

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An online petition is circulating to remove a line of Kardashian Kids clothes from Babies ‘R Us. The items in question include a fake leather mini skirt with attached diaper cover and a fake fur animal print vest. The clothes are designed for children aged 0-24 months meaning you can mold your baby girl into a skank fresh out of the womb. Most mothers find it offensive a chick famous for getting bent over in front of the first HD cam would be influencing their young daughters. Idolizing nasty idiots shouldn’t start until puberty prematurely induced by hormones in our chicken. Of course these mothers could simply not buy this shit and spend the time signing this petition by reading to their kid, but give them credit for that. Better to give the Kardashian crowd some free advertising. Between procreating and feverishly buying shit to throw in a closet these pudgy crusaders have neglected to realize that the worse shit gets, the more these whores reap the benefit. They’re like Wall Street brokers who bought out the stock in Armageddon. They’d say thanks if they were aware of this.

Photo Credit: Toysrus.com

LeBron James Delusional

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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LeBron James is utterly mistaken about how important he is and thinks his first game back in Cleveland will be remembered throughout history somewhere between the Immaculate Reception and the fall of the Berlin Wall. That fell, right?

“For me, none of us should take this moment for granted. This is probably one of the biggest sporting events up there ever.”

A regular season NBA game where guys jog back on defense rarely ranks higher than the next one in terms of significance. Especially when losing to a horrendously conceived Knicks team whose most promising asset is an old man in their office who does yoga. To be fair LeBron is kind of biased. He ranks taking a mid game shit last November number 3 on the all time list he keeps on a white board near his locker. His decision to leave Cleveland via Punk’d remains un-erased however since it inspired the largest American mass suicide since Heaven’s Gate.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Chelsea Handler Topless Instagram Protests Aren’t At All Self-Serving

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 7:57 PM

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Chelsea Handler struck a blow against double standards on Instagram by posting a photo of herself topless in identical pose to the famous Putin topless horseback riding photo he uses on his Tinder Russia dating profile. She’s begging Instagram to show their sexist bias against topless women and remove the photo.

If instagram takes this down again, you’re saying Vladimir Putin Has more 1st amendment rights than me. Talk to your bosses.

Chelsea Handler is a mediocre comedian, but she’s smart enough to know the First Amendment doesn’t apply to private social media services. Instagram and Facebook can censor whatever the hell they want for whatever reason they want. Just like you have the right to tell the same Britney Spears joke for six years in a row that plays well to a canned laugh track. You don’t have the right to petition the Supreme Court because you want to show off your tits after you had a little lift. Let’s be adults and admit you’re just trying to keep your name in the news while the world quickly forgets your scheduled return on Netflix in 2019. You’re only slightly more self-serving than Putin. Though your new tits aren’t half bad.

Photo credit: Chelsea Handler on Instagram

Chloe Sevigny Topless in a Foreign Magazine

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Chloe Sevigny Topless In Sante dOrazo LOfficiel Hommes France

Chloe Sevigny traveled to France to show off her boobs for a fashion magazine. She’s not allowed to pose topless in the United States due to her confusing chest mole and the fact that when they held a hearing banning her from showing off her tits anymore nobody showed up in opposition. All Sevigny sex filled thought provoking indies must be produced now solely in countries where online dating profiles highlight your chain smoking and disdain for outdoor activities.

Photo Credit: Sante d’Orazo

Ebola Nurses Seem Like Assholes

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

Every health worker coming back from West Africa seems pretty fucking douchey about being the one to decide the Hot Zone rules. Kaci Hickox is that Doctors Without Borders nurse who fat governor Christie threw into an E.T. containment tent the minute she got back from Ebola Central and tested positive for a fever. Hickox spent about two seconds in forced quarantine before she started calling her attorney, CNN, and Dr. Nancy Snyderman to grab her some soup and stop by for a visit. Obama and the medical community cautioned everybody about overreacting to Ebola so that they could insidiously import more Ebola. It’s some kind of Ebola multi-level marketing scheme where they’re all getting rich on.

Christie told Hickox the only way she was getting out of her Saran Wrap prison in Newark was if she got her attitude and her Ebola risk the fuck out of New Jersey completely. So she did. To Maine, where she was asked by the authorities to home quarantine herself for a couple more weeks to ensure she wasn’t infected. Which she did, for about an hour, before taking a bike ride with her friend. Because Ebola nurses are assholes.

What all these humanitarian medical workers know is that Ebola is rather difficult to transmit casually and that even if you do flare up, it’s like a herpes, they have plenty of time to call their dates and come up with a fake excuse for canceling on dinner. What asshole doctors and nurses don’t know is that the rest of us don’t give a shit about their science. We don’t even want you creating a the appearance of Ebola, or the panic and social cost that surrounds it. It’s not irrational to overreact to a virus that makes you shoot diarrhea out of your eye sockets until you die. It is completely selfish not to accept a 21-day quarantine after sticking your hands into Ebola patients in West Africa. Buy some Harry Potter books, get a decent cable package, and shut the fuck up for three weeks. Asshole.