By Lex October 02, 2015 @ 1:16 PM
Europeans are much more progressive when it comes to nudity and sexuality. Guys who wear kimonos and attend BDSM fetish events love to say shit like this. It basically boils down to having tits on television and in magazines without having to circle the fainting couch because Procter and Gamble doesn’t tolerate bare breasts. Not publicly. Privately, everybody loves a naked lady. The more they protest publicly, the more they like it privately. You sick self-hating kinky fuck. Why do I have to go to France to see topless women at the newsstand? Obama, get up on your fucking podium and announce an end to inexplicable tit censorship. Free the nipple. Fuck that, free the entire tit. This is America. How can we be behind in any mindless entertainment category?
Photo Credit: Lui Magazine
By Jack October 02, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
There are few people in this world more afflicted by camel toe than Kendall Jenner. Either she is wearing her pants way too tight or her vagina has the cyclonic suction power of a Dyson vacuum. Almost certainly, both.
Behold her folds. (Drunken Stepfather)
Sara Sampaio shows off her ass for Victoria’s Secret. (Last Men On Earth)
Elle Evans is completely naked for Playboy the way it should be. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Grace Jones flashes her scary scary tits. (TMZ)
Vain hotties looking in the mirror at their vain hotness. (The Chive)
Let’s pretend it’s 1998 and pretend to care about Rose McGowan’s tits. (Popoholic)
Claire Danes can touch my so-called peepee. (COED)
By Lex October 02, 2015 @ 11:46 AM
Equestrian sets you back a bit more than pickup ball at the Y. About $200,000 a year if you’re semi-serious about competing in events like the Longines Masters. Probably a ton more when you throw in the cost of the Whole Food organically grown non-GMO hormone and anti-biotic free rolled oats. And that’s just for most of the female riders. Zing! I still got it.
The big event in L.A. brought out all the rich celebrity daughters. Springsteen, Jobs, Gates, Bloomberg, Selleck, Spielberg, and one Hispanic girl who everybody kept handing their reins too and reminding their horse prefers to be sponged vigorously where his balls used to be. These girls dress up nice. There’s something to be said for tiny geeky wealthy dudes mating way above their natural rung. It’d be easy to make fun of rich bitches riding their ponies. But they aren’t at the mall taking selfies and crashing their Teslas. I admire a girl who can command a large beast betwixt her thighs. Do you think your dad would approve of me, sweetheart? Yes, I know he didn’t get to be a billionaire by being a dumb ass. Fuck, back to the heavy girls on the Stairmaster. I know my rung.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 02, 2015 @ 9:23 AM
You have to give credit to attention seeking women who are still figuring out new and coquettish ways to show off their naked bodies in public without appearing to be trying. Do you know who Kemp Muhl is? You do now. You can see her tits and the birthing parts Sean Lennon sobs into each night when he realizes he’s not even the most semi-modestly musically talented Lennon offspring. Reality can choke the fantasy right out of you. Does that dress come in a size Fuck Me?
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex October 02, 2015 @ 7:42 AM
Another day, another college shooting. Another cry for gun control by politicians and hashtaggers who have no actual ability to control guns. There will guns widely available in this nation for at least as long as anybody reading this post is alive. You think it’s impossible to deport eleven million illegals? Try rounding up 250 million guns and melting them in the giant furnace the EPA never approves. Just like Mexicans, they will make more guns and they will come back. We have Draconian prohibitions on recreational narcotics. We have tens of thousand of armed officers spending tens of billions of dollars a year to make sure that shit is never seen in this land. How’s that going? But, fuck, stand on the dead bodies and call for gun control you know wouldn’t work even if somebody White Outed the Second Amendment.
We can’t outlaw single mothers or dads who abandon their kids in utero or Internet chat room antisocial sickness or fucked up cowardly narcissists who correctly assume that mass murder is their only chance to be splashed all over TV like a Kardashian and are determined to reenact Columbine at the local community college for posthumous 24 hour coverage on cable news. We rightfully assume Al Qaeda and ISIS militants are irrational suicidal types hellbent on destruction and we annihilate them without hesitation from the sky because asking to meet at TGIFridays for unlimited apps and a friendly confab seems moot. We smudge them out like bugs. Yet we can’t accept the fact that we have bugs living among us who look kind of like us and who the neighbors will describe as quiet, but good kids. Americans have PBS and fat-free frozen yogurt universally available. We don’t have young men without fathers descending into madness and mass murderer worships on their blogs and websites and their basement rooms plastered with news clipping on their wall next to the guns and ammo nobody knows they possess because nobody cares.
There’s not a single one of these campus killers who couldn’t be pegged in a basic mental health eval a year before the killings. Say, by any chance, are you suicidally depressed about how life keeps handing you lemons? Have you noticed yourself collecting weapons lately to counter the massive conspiracy against you? Are you an 18-30 year old male with a history of mental illness in your family who never gets laid? Do you have detailed maps of the local learning institutions on your wall coded with squares and circles and the words ‘start the killings here.’ Do you own body armor and can you recite the names of previous mass shooting perpetrators cross indexed by name and date and numbers killed? Not a single one of these guys would ever make it to the gate at an Israeli airport just from visual eye and mannerism inspection. But complex problems require quick and futile solutions. Gun control. Also, more kids need the chance to go to college. We’re running out of targets.
Photo credit: Getty Images
ETA: My followup piece comparing Obama’s preferred method of death, cigarettes, to gun homocides on LastMenonEarth.com
By Lex October 02, 2015 @ 6:49 AM
When you’re made famous by association with Justin Bieber, there’s nowhere to go but up in the Game of Life. Pierce your nipple and keep your top off so the wounds can breathe. Law school is for suckers.
Photo Credit: P Magazine
By Lex October 01, 2015 @ 3:48 PM
An amazing thing happens when you get a microphone and nobody tells you you can’t say that or shut the fuck up you’re being super rude. You start to become excessively rude and never shut the fuck up. I’d like to think of it more nobly as speaking truth to power. Whatever the fuck that means.
On this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast we get to the bottom of why Azealia Banks is a faggot’s best friend, try to figure out if it’s possible to make passionate love to a legless lingerie model, and most importantly announce our five most despicable people in the entire world so Beelzebub can put their name in to his Book of Future Souls. We get a lot done in an hour.
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Be sure to follow the show on Twitter, Facebook, and on the LastMenonEarth.com. Also hit up iTunes and write something nice.
By Jack October 01, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
An associate of the late diminutive gangsta rapper Eazy-E are saying that he got The AIDS through an intentionally infected acupuncture needle. Put that second on your possibilities list behind tons and tons of dirty dick.
Why is is so hard to admit Eazy-E loved the cock? (Last Men On Earth)
Elsa Patacky shows off her bouncing tits in Spain. (Egotastic)
Kara Del Toro defends totally not racist Carls Jr. commercial. (TMZ)
Shay Mitchell dons a bikini and gives us all a collective boner. (Drunken Stepfather)
The appropriately named Erin Van Dongen in a bikini makes my dongen happy. (Hollywood Tuna)
Hot girls in knee high socks makes me think of private school sexytimes. (The Chive)
Eve Hewson shows off her mondo cleav for GQ. (Popoholic)