You know, Kirsten, You’re Even Pretty When You’re Fat

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 2:25 PM


Senator Kirsten Gillibrand is so angry that her older male colleagues made comments about her weight and looks, she wrote a memoir about all of the three in total horrible things she remembers them saying to her while a member of Congress. Now, she’s selling that memoir for money without mentioning any of her horrible harassers names, because that’s Senatorial. Also a good way to avoid lawsuits while still raking in the book advances.

Congressmen as a lot are the salted scum of the earth. You’d have to bring up NFL linebackers before you found a bigger group of blowhards, criminals, and tawdry misogynistic bastards. Still, if the best you can come up with is a few inappropriate comments by various octogenarian Dixiecrats bumbling around the capitol, not exactly the harrowing tales of shit sandwiches women on the front lines have to consume, let alone young models who have an ‘Uncle Terry’ appointment on their iPhone calendars. Still, the comments were horrible and biting:

Good thing you’re working out, because you wouldn’t want to get porky,

Cut you to the quick, sister. Do you realize how many times my own parents have told me this very same thing? Naturally, it’s different when a man says it to a woman who happens to be writing a book about how crappy men treat women in Congress. It got worse:

You know, Kirsten, you’re even pretty when you’re fat

Holy crap. How did you survive that poison barb? Gillibrand admits that the older Congressman’s intentions were sweet, even if he was being an idiot. Then, like a couple more comments about her being chubby but cute happened. Totaling almost a handful in just a half dozen years. Can you imagine being at a job where somebody told you something sweet but inappropriate almost once a year? Fuck, I’d write a book too and go on talk shows and People magazine trying to sell the shit out of it. What are your other options? Senators don’t hold the nuclear launch codes.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rihanna Drinks Until She Breaks Out

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 1:38 PM

Rihanna In A Black Bikini Boarding A Yacht In Sicily
Rihanna works hard and plays harder. That’s so fucking Bajan. But even she knows you can’t get loaded every single day of the year. When her zits start bursting and dousing the kids in the front row, she goes full temperance.

When I feel like my skin has had it, I cut all the alcohol completely and overdo the water.

If you think being an alchy who has to worry about her complexion is easy, think again. It’s enough just to worry about being fired or arrested or having sex with David Spade on accident. Now you have to worry about covering your whiteheads before a Vogue shoot? I’d turn directly to heroin. It’s a natural appetite suppressant and outside of the sallow skin and the dead eyes, your smooth as a naked cat. Until you quit and your body turns into one giant scab. But quitters never win.

Seems sensible enough.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kendall Jenner Denies Being a Cold Texter

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

Kendall Jenner In A see Through Top With Kylie Jenner Promoting Their DuJour Magazine Shoot In New York
In a growing scandal nobody really gives a fuck about, they just need an excuse to show half naked teen girls (myself included), Kendall Jenner denies that she and her working girl sisters were texting during the VMA minute of silence for kids throwing Molotov cocktails at cops in Ferguson:

I just specifically remember not texting and bowing my head down for the moment of silence and that’s all I have to say about that.

Whoa, thanks Obama for giving us a quote in between your national security briefings. I actually believe that these moronic vag-bots text and Tweet so much of their every waking hour that they probably do remember the few brief moments when they’re not typing LOLZ what a bicchh! into their phones. Also a Kardashian is going to remember the one time in her life when she bows her head and a cock doesn’t slide into their mouth. I find these lovely young ladies innocent of disrespect! Now, onto the For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge counts.

Photo Credit: Getty,, Pacific Coast News

Eiza Gonzalez Is No Miley Cyrus

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 11:23 AM

Eiza Gonzalez Looking Chesty In West Hollywood
This is the Mexican singer who stole Miley Cyrus’ fiance last year by pointing out that she was far hotter, had bigger tits, and didn’t wipe her poo hands on her lips after taking a shit just to seem punk. She also has a Spanish accent. A Spanish accent can raise a boner like Jesus did to Lazarus. Miley has a pointy tongue and an unemployed male model she totes around to exhibit the plight of the good looking and homeless. A Mexican girl knows exactly what do with an unemployed male model. Fuck him and give him a fake phone number.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Liv Tyler’s Ass Is Back

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 10:47 AM

Liv Tyler Shows Off Her Booty In A Bikini On A Yacht In Spain
It’s been a whole two days since I’ve had Liv Tyler’s wet derriere boarding a sea-faring vessel like a pear shaped pirate. That’s forty-eight hours too long. Unlike the celebrities with their asses injected full of pigeon fat and finely ground gravel, Liv Tyler got her wide ass the old-fashioned way. Eating and making babies. Stop hating mothers and respect that ass.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Zara’s Holocaust Shirts for Kids Not Selling Well

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 10:33 AM

I don’t know, maybe if you’re an online retailer selling in Israel you don’t go with the kids’ shirt design that causes your customer base to remember the stripes and yellow stars of the Jewish death camp in World War II. Maybe for an edgy John Waters Halloween party in SoHo, but not so much for the kids to wear to the kibbutz and blow their toy shofars at the Palestinian kids over the wall chiseling tunnels. The retailer, Zara, also was selling the striped shirts with the yellow stars in France, Albania, and Sweden, where they have more fond memories of baking strudel for the German soldiers and probably are not sensitive to the genocidal hobbies of their friendly occupiers.


An honest mistake, even though I bet you could go through the entire archive of Classic Westerns and not find one sheriff wearing a striped shirt. I’ve seen a few. John Wayne didn’t do jaunty French sailor stripes. Next up for Zara, ‘I’m a Radioactive Kid!’ silk screened t-shirts for kids in Fukushima and ebola-themed footsies pajamas for sale in West Africa. Also inspired by Classic Westerns.

Britney Spears Had a Shitty Day (VIDEO)

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 9:22 AM

Britney Spears’ boyfriend David Lucado was caught on tape dancing and making out with a woman who was somebody else’s chubby girlfriend. The Britney Spears conservancy, also known as Britney’s dad’s rent money, is spinning the story that they reached out to the ‘agency’ holding the tape and bought it from them for safe keeping. This arrangement used to be called extortion, now it’s all done with lawyers and contracts and paid leaks to TMZ. Before daddy secreted the video in a remote cavern in Costa Rica, he made Britney watch it while he stood in the background with a sinister smile and twirled his mustache. One less claimant on his daughter’s money to worry about. Britney immediately contacted Lucado and told them their year long relationship was over. Poor fuck, he was probably set up.

As always, Britney turned to her three million fans on Instagram to let them know she was having a bad day. The onslaught of heart shaped emoticons and inspirational Pablum lifted Britney’s spirit. Britney’s been thrown off this horse before. She’ll rebound after a month of Nilla wafers and trying to remember where she left her kids.

Lara Bingle In A Silver Bikini

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 9:02 AM

Lara Bingle In A Silver Bikini At The Beach In Kauai
This Australian model is dating the dude who defended the blue people in Avatar. Once you’ve saved the tree huggers from big oil, you can have your pick of models around the world. I rescued the Na’vi, while in a fucking wheelchair, how about you come back to my room and gobble my knob? Everybody has to do their part to keep the tree of souls glowing.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI