Rumer Willis Ass

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 7:06 AM

Rumer Willis Flashes Abs And Booty While Leaving Dancing With The Stars LB
It’s good to see the idle rich taking up hobbies that don’t involve booze or politics. Dancing with the Stars has proven to be a launching pad for many careers in low budget reality television and hanging out at the Coffee Bean’s talking about who you almost worked with in the last millennium. Rumer Willis has one of those asses that makes a man almost not care about the cowboy jaw. Focus on the picture of the cute puppies on yonder wall and we’ll get through this. That’s something of a sparkling accomplishment already. Can she dance? Who cares. She’s already won.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Ludacris Is Prudent

By Matt March 30, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

Luda

Ludacris is pissed because he does not approve of jokes that were made about Paul Walker at the Justin Bieber Roast and apparently lobbied Comedy Central to edit them out because he believes people give a shit what he thinks:

“I was told and promised that they would edit those out. Some of those were over the line.”

Sounds good Delores Tucker. Maybe you should call Tipper Gore and have a book burning party over some hot toddies. One of the jokes in question was made by fat comedian Jeff Ross and referenced a Ludacris song:

‘”Move bitch, get out of the way!’ is what Paul Walker should’ve told that tree. Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?”

There was little point in a Paul Walker joke at a Justin Bieber roast, but there was little point in a Justin Bieber roast other than a cynical plan fueled by Bieber’s  public relations team and Viacom desperate for attention. You showed up and took the money. I’m sure I could search the Ludacris rap lyrical library and find something telling whores to shut the fuck up. Please, don’t make me do it.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lena Dunham Still Unappetizing

By Matt March 30, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Dun

Lena Dunham is being accused of anti-Semitism after she wrote a flatly lame piece in the New Yorker entitled “Dog or Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz” The main gag which repeats itself over and over compares traits Jewish dudes supposedly have in common with dogs such as:

“He doesn’t tip. And he never brings his wallet anywhere… He comes from a culture in which mothers focus every ounce of their attention on their offspring and don’t acknowledge their own need for independence as women. They are sucked dry by their children, who ultimately leave them as soon as they find suitable mates.”

Dunham herself is Jewish which apparently doesn’t make you funny like I had learned from watching the movies. I’m personally offended at this. Not because of the lackluster stereotyping but because it blows. You’d have thought when the outcast fugly girls finally took power they’d have a more spectacular agenda than jokes from the lodge circa 1950.

The Anti-Defamation league is up in arms because they have a firm understanding of how Google Alerts work. The New Yorker would no way in hell have published this if it came from anyone but a famous feminist blowhard. Its readers should remove their stupid fucking glasses now and admit their bible spoon feeds them pseudo-intellectual baby food and has sold out with the rest of them. Look for them to publish a Britney Spears think piece in the coming weeks while still running ads for 300 dollar safari hats. I get wistful watching things die slowly.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Rob Kardashian Downgraded to Mental

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 12:51 PM

Kris-Jenner-and-Rob-Kardashian

If you were wondering what the Kardashian mafia intends to do to Rob Kardashian following another round of his going against the family, I believe we have our answer. They’re going to have him committed. Operation Squelch the Rat got revved up last week when the family rebel mentioned that maybe his sister-whore was a conniving murderer. The team that leaks information to the press for Kris Jenner started running lines that Rob was a prankster, then he was probably just super tired, then he was fat and feeling unhappy, now he’s being described as depressed and in need of professional intervention.

He’s sad, he’s bitter, he single. He is very depressed and has been [for a while]. He is very against therapy and any kind of rehab. But his family will continue to push for him to get help until he does.

This is one of those black helicopter dystopian nightmares where the Minister of Propaganda labels dissenters as psychotic and orders them to Arkham for a little frontal lobe electrocution. I might be the last person on this planet pulling for you, Rob Kardashian, so heed my advice: run!. Shave your head, throw on some non-designer label clothes, snatch some cash from mom’s closet, and run for your fucking life. Put ten thousand miles between you and your relatives. Men don’t do well in your family. Dead or castrated. That’s not a real choice. Call yourself Yani and make a simple life  in Botswana. If a letter should ever find you begging you to come home because your sisters are dying from Hep C, it’s a trap. It might be true, still, a trap.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Taylor Swift Ruining Calvin Harris And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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America’s evil sweetheart Taylor Swift was seen kissing techno DJ Calvin Harris at a Kenny Chesney concert. Calvin Harris probably doesn’t know it yet, but there is no waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care in living hell.

See Swift and Harris doing something at Chesney’s shitty show. (TMZ)

Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen go splashy splashy in bikinis. (Huffington Post)

Zayn Malik said he left One Direction because they weren’t, like, real anymore. Were they ever? (Dlisted)

This is Gracie Chavers and her Instagram is pretty hot. (COED)

If you eat a Doritos encrusted meat on a stick at an MLB game your colon will never recover. (Busted Coverage)

Hot chicks in yoga pants. That is all. (The Chive)

Bella Thorne forgets her shirt while out on the town. (Popoholic)

Michael Sam Taking Names

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Michael-Sam-on-DWTS

Michael Sam concludes every public statement by insisting he doesn’t believe that he’s being discriminated against by the NFL though he has no explanation other than discrimination for why he’s not playing in the NFL. People are free to draw their own conclusions, including his, which he wants to make clear is not discrimination, even if that’s the only logical conclusion:

“Hopefully I’m not being discriminated [against] because I’m gay. I don’t believe that I’m being discriminated [against] because I’m gay. I just want to know if I’m truly not in the NFL, it’s because of talent. Let it be because of my talents. But you’ve got to prove that I can’t play this game. If you look at the film, clearly I can. So, I’ll leave it at that. …”

Sam got himself back into the news this week by announcing there are plenty of closeted gay guys in the NFL. Everybody pretty much already assumes this but not everybody needs to feed the media a ready made headline.

I’m just saying there is a lot of us. I respect the players that did reach out to me and had the courage to tell me that they were also gay, but they do not have the same courage as I do to come out before I even played a down in the NFL.

For his courage, the Great Oz is going to give Sam a brilliant heart medallion and extend his hand for a Paso Doble. Sam has stated that he will never reveal the names of the closeted gay players in the NFL, but that they do exist and he could out them if he wanted to. That probably isn’t supposed to sound threatening, though it surely is. Which just goes to show, you can be a pioneer and an asshole.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer For Jerome Duran Photoshoot
Most photographers aren’t making Uncle Terry money. They just want to express themselves through their art and have a decent wank. I can respect that. Candice, today you’re going to be a ballet dancer in a thong. Why? Because it represents how models are trapped in a doll house of patronage and objectification. Now stop talking when I adjust my lenses here behind this modesty curtain. Toss me your ballet slippers for a minute if you could. Yep, right over the curtain. Your feet smell like innocence. I’ll be out in two shakes.

Photo Credit: Jerome Duran

Brandon Lee Experiencing Bella Thorne

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

Bella Thorne Is Dating Brandon Lee
The last and final hope for the Thorne stage family of girls is now bumping teen uglies with Brandon Lee. I thought at first the headline referred to Bruce Lee’s son who died twenty-two years ago filming The Crow. That would’ve been an angle. But it’s just Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s kid who just turned eighteen and doesn’t have much to do except golf and party and explore the bushes of this redhead who’s a Dominican baseball prospect aged 17, so about 22. Mom’s flat broke, but Tommy Lee’s worth in the neighborhood of $70 million. If this kid also inherited his dad’s wang, he’ll probably do quite well with the ladies. To be young and rich and pretty. Putting that on the iCal for next life.

Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan/Instagram