Former Miss USA Olivia Culpo says she’s breaking up with Tim Tebow because he won’t plow her like a good man should. This despite Tebow being the world’s most famous no-sex-before-marriage disciple. That and he likes to spend Sunday with his mom are clearly right there on the bold face disclaimer. Still, hot chicks aren’t used to coming in second, even to Jesus.
I spoke to a friend’s grandfather who got married at eighteen, the day after high school graduation. I asked him why he got married so damn young. He said he couldn’t nail his girlfriend or any other girl until they got married so what was the point of waiting? Right-O. Tebow is twenty-eight and certainly has been turning down many good Christian women he can marry and proceed to bang babies into. At some point people are going to question if maybe you’re just avoiding the best subject ever. Let’s consult Russell Wilson. Talk about an escape artist.
Every December Love magazine does a month long Christmas calendar of daily models doing stupid kitschy shit then flashing some covered tits toward the end. I’m sure they describe the creative differently in press releases. It’s hard to gauge the audience. The shlock seems to be aimed at fifteen year old girls, Kendall Jenner in a bikini in the shower aimed aimed at naive people who don’t picture her in the shower being fucked by two ex-cons who won a civil rights windfall for police brutality. Everybody honors Christmas differently. It’s only important that the birth of Jesus not be the least bit involved. Screw you, Starbucks and whoever decided not to ask Kendall Jenner to take her clothes off.
According to early screener reports, Leo DiCaprio is soundly raped by a bear in the new movie Revenant. Either it’s a grizzly or a burly guy named Stephen who needs release after the day shift and Dave and Busters. The film features DiCaprio as a survivalist who does all sorts of unspeakable disgusting outdoorsman shit to stay alive in the woods, save for lighting fossil fuels because of the pact he made at the Paris Climate Summit. Not that India gives a shit. People who’ve seen the film describe the scene as shocking, extraordinary, and akin to watching Lena Dunham with a strapon pegging a twink with a ponytail. Take your pick. Mix in some Bear AIDS and this is how you win awards.
Farrah Abraham has nailed the look for low end sex products. Since her last plastic surgery failed she’s qualified for ADA protections which means Belgian softcore porn companies operating in the US must hire her or Chloe Sevigny who qualifies under the tit mole exemptions. This latest shoot in lingerie is for a social network described as Eye Candy. This is a social network in the sense that Craigslist Casual Encounters is an executive dating site. If Abraham is the white label front, don’t ask to see what’s in the back. It’s got something to do with Josh Duggar and that teddy bear and rehab not holding.
In an effort to be as cloyingly politically correct as humanly fucking possible, Marvel announced that the Hulk is no longer the alter image of Dr. Bruce Banner, but is now the beast within of Amadeus Cho, a super cool Korean-American teen. They’re changing the series name to The Totally Awesome Hulk to conform to cool lingo of twenty plus years ago and to give a nod to the fact that this one isn’t for the smart people. Watch the excitement as Amadeus turns into the Totally Awesome Hulk to avoid his cram school after school classes. His name is Amadeus, so you know he’s going to be up to super hi-jinx. Guy’s named Bruce are super square, man.
Last year Marvel introduced Ms. Marvel as a Muslim-Americans who battles bad guys and Islamophobia and announced that Thor was now a chick. The obsession with mutating white male comic characters into a roulette wheel of demographics seems like a particularly poor way to engender diversity. Someday somebody’s going to laugh at how early 21st century gaijin used comic book character quotas to dispel myths about superficial bigotry. Not today. Puny humans. Korean Hulk smash StarCraft.
For decades the Pirelli auto company in Italy produced a pin-up girl calendar for their retailers and trade folk and mechanics to stare at tits on the wall while switching out carburetors. I know you don’t know what that is. Pirelli used to get chicks like Miranda Kerr and Adriana Lima out to some remote island with Terry Richardson who would fill a crystal blue bay full with his jizz while shooting the chicks topless. European sensibilities are no longer sensible, even in Europe. The calendar has spent the last few years politically correcting itself. 2016 nailed it, with body proud shots of largely unattractive famous women shaping the world of the modern female. Amy Schumer, Serena Williams, Patti Smith, Yoko Ono, some UN ambassador chick and other women that your average twelve year old girl really looks up to after Taylor Swift and Black Jesus and her touchy stepdad.
It was always mildly questionable what sexy naked women had to do with automobiles. It’s entirely unclear what empowered random women with chunky bodies have in common with vroom vroom. Amy Schumer says she never felt more beautiful than in these photos for Pirelli. That’s great for her, though less great for Phil’s bay at Jiffy Lube.
You can always spot a foreign model on the beach because their amazing asses are always tan. When you’re eighty you will have perfect alabaster skin. All this chick will have is wrinkles and amazing memories unmarred by anxiety attacks over the genocidal ball of radiation in the sky. Oh, Grandma, you were so cautious and appropriately frightened. I want to be just like you.