Heidi Klum Owns the World

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 10:17 AM

Heidi Klum Wears Mini Leather Dress To AGT Red Carpet
America’s Got Talent. But not necessarily enough to find American hosts for the America’s Got Talent show. I’m no jingoist, but if we’re pulling Howie Mandel out of our asses we might as well invite ISIS Toyota pickups to cruise down the pot-holed streets of our fruited plains. I’d keep Heidi Klum in the off-chance one drunken night she mistakes me for somebody handsome and mounts me like an SS Guard raping ghetto Poles, but entertainment is one of the few categories we still lead the world. That and comfort eating. We lose those and we become Canada. I’d rather die.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Claudia Romani Ditches Her Bikini Top

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 9:23 AM

Claudia Romani Loses Her Polka Dot Bikini Top
As a general rule, an onshore breeze negates the ability of cameras to capture clear images of topless women. Plus the salty spray tickles your nips. It’s a solid plan when you want to be seen, but save something for the rich guy who you will marry, convince to buy a power boat, and recite some words about his adventurous spirit at his funeral. Throw some bones his kids way so they don’t call you whore so much in the papers. If you have time to stare out to the water topless, you have time to think of these details.

Photo Credit: INF

Justin Bieber Enters Adulthood

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 9:08 AM

Yovanna-Ventura-With-Justin-Bieber-On-Instagram
I don’t care if Justin Bieber devotes the remainder of his life to sweeping up leper skin in Calcutta, dudes who insist on being topless will never be saints, just douchebags. I’m talking to you, jogger for whom a t-shirt was adversely affecting your time around the block. Bieber celebrated his 21st birthday by doing what he did for his last five birthdays, taking selfies of himself getting wasted with chicks with big fake asses and banging at least one of the Baldwin daughters. I’m not jealous, I’m only mostly jealous. Fuck, what I could do with all that power and my shirt still on.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Coach K Highly Selective

By Matt March 03, 2015 @ 8:07 AM

K

According to the reverent Coach K, Duke basketball player Rasheed Sulaimon did not live up to the standards of conduct expected of a Duke student athlete. It’s unclear what those standards are precisely, but it seems serial rape is one of them because that’s what Sulaimon is going down for. Some are perplexed as to why Coach K knew about the accusations for ten months before booting Suliamon from the team. I guess perplexed people don’t want to win basketball games very much. Coach K went generic and he went generic hard:

“Rasheed has been unable to consistently live up to the standards required to be a member of our program. It is a privilege to represent Duke University and with that privilege comes the responsibility to conduct oneself in a certain manner. After Rasheed repeatedly struggled to meet the necessary obligations, it became apparent that it was time to dismiss him from the program.”

Besides not hanging out on center campus lawn past 10pm, it is recommended you don’t be a serial rapist. That’s the standard we here at Duke like to live up to. Now here’s some pepper spray and a stash of Magnums. Don’t use them all in one place. This is a Ford Taurus. Don’t speak his name.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Cee Lo Free To Party

By Matt March 03, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

Green

Cee Lo Green finished his community service with straight A-grades. Green was charged last summer with slipping ecstasy to his Craigslist Hot Women Seeking Fat Midgets date. The courts determined Green and the chick with smaller tits than Green fucked somewhat consensually. They also determined Green had a great time while his date was appraising his headboard for scrap and waiting for him to scream ‘Jesus’. The judge didn’t want to deal with a horny midget and an angry pro so he told Green if he pleaded no contest, he’d just give Green a whole bunch of fake punishments not including jail time. This was the same deal a judge backed out on forty years ago that sent Roman Polansky fleeing to France for forty years. Green isn’t really in fleeing shape so he took the community service and support meetings where he learned that drugging women before sex is not cool in Hillary Clinton’s America.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Ryan Phillippe Suberbly Depressed

By Matt March 03, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

Phil

Ryan Phillippe humble bragged about suffering from depression. The Phil doesn’t quite grasp the medical consensus that depression isn’t really a choice as much as a ploy to seem like Johnny Depp:

“Depression has been a huge obstacle for me ever since I was a child. As you get older I think it decreases some, but I’m just innately kind of a sad person. I’m empathetic, and I take on the feelings of others and transpose myself into the position of others.”

This could be why all your movies are ill received. Maybe you’re just a downer. Phillippe went on to equate his molly hangover with his omnipotent intellect:

“If it was a choice between being this way or being completely ignorant I’d prefer to suffer through the sadness than to be a complete moron with no feelings.”

You can be stupid and depressed. You can be a certified genius and take pleasure in frozen yogurt. You can also be a mediocre blowhard. If I spoke this nonsense I’d up my depression status from Trendy to Clinical. Growing up sucks.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Facebookers Know Shit You Don’t

By Matt March 03, 2015 @ 6:38 AM

Chick

Self described Wellness Warrior Jessica Ainscough came down with a bit of the cancer a few years ago. After undergoing chemotherapy that worked she decided to continue treating her maligned condition with homeopathic shakes and lesbians on their second career path who will massage you for fifty bucks or blow you for thirty. Once the cancer spread to the right side of her body doctors highly recommended her arm be amputated. Jessica then went on a quest to prove these doctors wrong by drinking kale shakes and promptly died. From the cancer. Her defiant undertaking was shared via Facebook by all the moms who think they’re better than you and their husbands with hoop earrings who push a stroller. I rarely get to say this with conviction: You’re wrong. Share the funeral plans on Twitter. I know you can’t attend, you’re busy.

Photo Credit: JessicaAinscough.com 

Be Suspect Of Mommy Bloggers

By Matt March 03, 2015 @ 6:11 AM

Chick

The chick whose emails your mom forwarded you was just looking for material. Lacey Spears, formally described by the AP as a hero and also Ted Bundy with a sweet puss puss, was poisoning her son so she could solicit support from chicks in sweat pants who have coupon from Outback. Spears was torturing her son and was convicted of Second Degree Murder because prosecutors know to throw softballs at juries who like Tim Burton. This means she’ll be out of the joint by the time Google drives your car and will receive a healthy under the table paycheck from a cryogenic Barbara Walters to spill her reformed guts. Change your circle of friends. Or at the very least your Hotmail address.

Photo Credit: Cnn/Youtube