Emily Ratajkowski Is Past Being Just a Body

By Lex September 04, 2015 @ 9:20 AM

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As is the natural progression of topless models to actress, Emily Ratajkowski is now insisting that the Blurred Lines video that made her famous is the ‘bane of her existence’.

When anyone comes up to me about ‘Blurred Lines,’ I’m like, are we seriously talking about a video from three years ago?

Right. Let’s talk about your clothed role in We Are Your Friends which set the mark for third worst box office opening ever for a major studio release.

Kate Upton no longer wants to be a sex symbol. The teen girl from Modern Family had her breasts shrunk because she was sick of all the staring. These women are trying to edit their origin stories after their first million in the bank. I don’t mind rappers disowning their hood past. The hood sucks. But enormous tits are a blessing from Jehovah. Much like heterosexual marriage and Tom Brady being unsuspended. Embrace your history.  Flash your tits, And shut the fuck up. You can choose the order. You are in control.

Hailey Baldwin in Spandex

By Lex September 04, 2015 @ 8:14 AM

Hailey Baldwin Showy In Spandex In NYC
It’s hard to believe Stephen Baldwin made something worthwhile. The skateboarding for Jesus and the absurdist drunken soliloquies I buy. This chick is pretty majestic. Her familiarity with Greek tragedy and genetics might be slight enough that she is unaware her future lies in rehab, prison, or being domestically assaulted by somebody loosely related to Kenny Loggins. Use House at Pooh Corner in a sentence, bitch. For now it’s Spandex and happy thoughts. Don’t Wiki yourself. I’ve seen the last section.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Davis Chained Heat Yum Yum

By Lex September 04, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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The Kentucky county clerk refusing to provide marriage licenses to gay couples was thrown in jail by a Federal judge for violating the Supreme Court ruling that got everybody who is a super good person to rainbow their Facebook profile pic. County Clerk Kim Davis has been married four times herself, which isn’t a commentary on her allegiance to fundamental Scripture so much as an explanation of the kind of dating options for men in her little nook of Kentucky. It’s the kind of place where your mom is County Clerk, then you become County Clerk, then you pass it off to your kids. Which is Kim Davis’ precise story. And it would have continued to go along swimmingly if not for those meddling kids. I mean, gays.

Unlike those private cake makers who don’t want to make wedding cakes for two grooms, it’s pretty clear that a pubic official can’t refuse service to gays on the grounds that it goes against her personal beliefs. Nevertheless, there are up to ten protestors and fifteen cable news outlets parked in front of the jail where Kim David sits and stews in a fetid puddle of her own feces. That last part I intuited. Everybody who is screaming at Kim Davis that if she ought to resign and get a different job have no idea of Kim Davis’ job prospects. It’s County Clerk or bagging at the Piggly Wiggly and only one of those two pays $80K and involves no physical activity.

Mr. Scarlett Disappoints

By Lex September 04, 2015 @ 6:42 AM

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Scarlett Johansson moved on from Ryan Reynolds to marry a Ryan Reynolds doppelgänger scrubbed through a European metrosexual sieve. Upon their wedding, her husband Romain Dauriac tattooed the phrase ‘Lost Illusion’ on his body. Imagine his answer to what the means in a thick French accent and now imagine you’re not punching him in the kidney. He’s an art aficionado who prefers loafers without socks and has a zeal for dancing. So he’s basically the last four women I searched on Match.com. A t-shirt that reads I Have No Time For Men seems much simpler than marrying a French guy. We get it. At least he carries the baby. You had to pay the nanny.

Photo credit: Fame Flynet

Rihanna Tits Are Moving Merch

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 12:16 PM

Rihanna Sheer Tatas For Dior
Remember when the whole world got together and asked Rihanna to stop singing and she did? That was fucking amazing. Now she’s making the same cash money or more owning big pieces of fashion houses and using her Caribbean tits to sell pricy ensembles. We win, she wins, the child seamstresses of Surinam can afford the better used Band-Aids for their fingers. We need to do this more often. If only there were seventeen online petition sites where we could turn our petty grievances into breathless Huffington Post headlines. Life couldn’t be that perfect.

Photo Credit: Dior

Jessica Alba Scares Her Dummies

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Jessica Alba Terrifying Mask
Jessica Alba takes occasional break from hawking chemical free diapers and tampons to blast Chernobyl grade gamma radiation at her face to cure her acne. If the tampons do this, there’s going to need to be a large disclaimer. Alba posted a photo of herself in the scary looking iron mask device on Instagram, causing numerous members of her below average education level followers to write panicked notes about her fate. If Jessica were to move to another dimension, how would they follow her and would they be forced to lose weight and start dating? Watch Fantastic Four again. It’s all explained in Illuminati for Dummies. I’d still fuck her with zits.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Apply For A Pornhub Scholarship And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 03, 2015 @ 11:00 AM

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You know that old joke that girls only do porn to pay for college? Well, adult video powerhouse Pornhub is offering a scholarship program and you don’t even have to get blasted in the ass to get it.

Why weren’t they around ten years ago? (The Chive)

Nimue Smit shows off her tits for Vogue Netherlands. (Egotastic All-Stars)

That Amanda Peterson chick from “Can’t Buy Me Love” overdosed. Big surprise. (TMZ)

These are the hottest, grunting, sweaty players at the US Open. (COED)

This is corrie LeJuwaan and these are her tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Ashley Benson’s tits look delicious in a white bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Emily Ratajkowski is covered topless because it’s what she does. (Popoholic)

Fuck You, I Win

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 8:38 AM

Tom-Brady-at-Court-House

A judge threw out the Tom Brady Deflate Gate case because Tom Brady is too white and good looking to be punished. Also because the judge noted that under the Collective Bargaining Agreement, it’s unfair to punish Brady for cheating because the NFL lets guys cheat all the time so nobody expects to be busted. You can’t be punished for smashing your cell phones and destroying evidence because the NFL has never punished a player for obstructing an investigation before. In short, because you were a crappy permissive parent for so long, you can’t do squat about your teen daughter pounding Four Loko and fucking the entire varsity front line. Seems fair enough. Patriots fans will see this as a common sense legal ruling. The remainder will see this as hated pretty boy sliding on a insidious felony he clearly committed. Everybody will continue to wonder how Roger Goodell gets paid $40 million to be such a failed Commissioner. Mostly it’s just time to start the season. Nobody lives past fifty in the NFL. This shit all takes care of itself.

Photo credit: Getty Images