Cosby Sycophant Issues Fake Apology

By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

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Mark Whitaker, the guy who wrote the definitive Cosby biography ‘Cosby: His Life and Times’ left out all the times Cosby was accused of rape. He issued an apology of sorts via his Twitter feed, which is otherwise loaded with promotional material and self praise of said book. When Bill Buckner let the ball roll through his legs he became a homeless alcoholic. He should have taken Whitaker’s lead and hawked blooper tapes of his career on QVC. Whitaker is the former editor of Newsweek so he’s no stranger to writing filler bullshit for McDonald’s 99-Cent Menu ad space. This case is slightly different. Kiss Cosby’s ass, get access to a bunch of longwinded puffery interviews with him, and agree to leave out unflattering and felonious details in exchange for permission to publish the book. Share some profits with Cos and meet him in Bangkok for Spring Break. You scratch my back, I’ll rape your wife.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Twitter Exec Can’t Figure Out Twitter

By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 6:07 AM

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Twitter CFO Anthony Noto tried to send a direct message to someone on Twitter but accidentally posted it publicly. This comes as a relief to anyone who has tried using Twitter, foundered incompetently, and ended up posting defamatory remarks about The Kids These Days on Facebook or just the bulletin board at work. While it wasn’t of the “I like it when you wear that fireman outfit and play with my balls” variety of classified info it could conceivably be damning as it appears to be some three piece suit cigar wielding dick swinging back room business strategizing for an upcoming meeting:

“I still think we should buy them. He is on your schedule for Dec 15 or 16 — we will need to sell him. i have a plan.”

If you have a meeting with Twitter for this date on your Rolodex you just gained considerable leverage. Worst case scenario Twitter is out a million or so bucks and can’t remodel the billiards room. Asteroids orbit close to earth constantly. This one hit and left a divot on the lawn. A racially charged comment about Obama or disparaging remark on the size of Mark Zuckerberg’s dick would have been kicked off a real shit storm. Keep your head up Noto. There’s plenty of people out there way dumber than you accidentally posting photos of their engorged genitals to their mother’s timeline.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Ela Rose Is Water Incarnate

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 1:51 PM

Ela Rose Does A Topless Photoshoot For 138 Water In Malibu
This never ending water company chorus line is still your best shot to move from Carl’s Jr. cute fry girl to hey, I have 45,000 men who masturbate to me on Twitter, let me work your car show status. If you get that shot, why not let your tits fall into frame. It’s like Kaepernick or Wilson feeling the rush. Fuck what the coaches told you about patience in the pocket, run, Forrest, run. Don’t slink back to Sweden thinking you could’ve been David Spade’s future girlfriend if only you had peeled back your top as the camera rolled. Regret will eat you up inside just as fast as lutefisk and vodka.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jennifer Aniston Mocks Kim Kardashian

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 1:37 PM

Jennifer Aniston Stuffs Bra To Mock Kim Kardashian On Ellen Show
Jennifer Aniston stuffed her top on the Ellen show to mock Kim Kardashian and presumably make Ellen’s boxers moist with flop sweat. It was hilarious, if you’re notion of pure entertainment is a future spinster mocking a woman who has a husband, a child, and more money than Qatar. Fuck, I just defended Kim Kardashian. Lightning bolt of Zeus inbound. As a woman who has spent the past decade allowing magazines to describe you as ‘brave’ for lying about being topless in the final cut of the film, Jennifer Aniston ought be a bit more circumspect about poking anybody for showing off their tits. It’s every American’s constitutional right to run over a Kardashian if the ethics question is would you turn right and kill a Kardashian or turn left and kill Hitler. But you surrender that right when you make fifteen bad movies in a row.

Photo Credit: Ellen

Chelsea Handler Tits Again

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 12:13 PM

Chelsea Handler Bare Breasted On A Stereo
Given all the knee-jerk celebrity Ferguson tweets today, dare I say it’s refreshing to see Chelsea Handler firing off another look at me now bare tit bomb on social media. Fuck yeah. I dare. Tits are better than white liberal guilt even when slung over a boombox like a French fuck and an En Vogue CD comes with each stereo purchase. Chelsea Handler wants attention so very badly. At least her intentions are pure.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Miley Makes Fun Of Mexicans And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 25, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lovable cum sponge Miley Cyrus got la Raza all in a tizzy after posing for pics in a sombrero and taco costume. Personally, I’d be thankful for the cultural shout out. Any time Miley embraces you and you don’t get contact syphilis, you’ve won.

See Miley’s tuna taco. (Drunken Stepfather)

Daniela Lopez Osorio makes my wiener whistle a happy tune. (Hollywood Tuna)

Michelle K uses signed pics of her tits to sell albums. (Idolator)

Hailey Clauson is a naughty girl next door type. Oh, so naughty. (Popoholic)

Chevy Chase is one bloated, drunk, fat mess. (Dlisted)

Lana Del Ray’s hot Maxim pics are the best reason to read that shit. (COED)

Old yenta Bette Midler called Ariana Grande a whore. (The Superficial)

Bai Ling Is a Gamer

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 11:44 AM

Bai Ling Wears Sequin Bondage Outfit To The Screening Of The Key In Beverly Hills
Bai Ling now just shows up to shit uninvited. Who’s going to question a fifty year old Chinese woman wearing just a party streamer. Movie premieres, car wash openings, execution chamber viewing rooms. There’s Bai Ling showing you her tits still look amazing. I’m pretty sure there are Macau businessmen working high stakes bingo cards with boxes labeled with where Bai Ling might appear next. ISIS beheading video, fuck, there’s Bai Ling. Bingo! I win Guangdong

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Now We’re Even, France

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:59 AM

Lady Gaga Wears Clam Shell Bra In Paris
When we talk shit about Europe, we’re really talking about France. The snide surrender monkeys who embody every snotty asshole in every 80′s John Hughes movie. If I could build a giant fist, I’d punch them all in their collective black turtlenecks. Barring that, we sent them Lady Gaga. She’s been moping around Paris the past several days like the chick so disillusioned with existence she quit the Goth club at school via Twitter. The French are only now re-visiting Lascaux and realizing how much Gaga resembles the Paleolithic vision of the angry forest deity who burns children’s eyes for cringing at her horrific looks. When she starts spewing lava from her ass there’s no amount of cleavage that will keep her from being referred to as one of the seventeen French names for God’s punishment for accepting Western capitalism.

Photo Credit: Splash