Miley Cyrus Shows Tits For Freedom

By Matt December 29, 2014 @ 7:12 AM

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Miley Cyrus posted an Instagram photo of her tits as part of the Free The Nipple campaign which seeks women’s liberation through the harmonics of one million teenage boys masturbating simultaneously. Instagram does not allow women’s nipples or versatile sub rape scene creampies as part of their Terms and Conditions, and since removed the photo. The Free The Nipple crowd advocates for the right of women to walk around in public with their tits out, claiming there’s no difference between men and women’s nipples. Ostensibly I agree but one draws a little more attention than the other, hence this post is about Miley Cyrus and not Rick Flair. It also ignores that fact that most of us also want guys who walk around topless in public to be fed to the volcano to make the Ebola stop. Still, I one hundred percent support Cyrus in this noble cause. I had no idea here titties were so attractive in the supine positions. If you spunk while thinking about them, I guess you’re a feminist now. Go pick up your card.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Dustin Diamond’s Girlfriend Is A Clown

By Matt December 29, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

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Dustin Diamond’s girlfriend Amanda Shutz’ works children’s parties as a character called Loli Pop the Clown. It affords her the affirmation of her pint sized fans and also decent booze money. It’s that or fuck a guy with a show in syndication and an itchy switchblade finger, or both I suppose. Her kids party booking website deftly leaves open the possibility she will strip and suck the groom-to-be’s cock at a bachelor party for a few crisp hundreds:

“Originally from New York, Loli Pop the Clown is fun, lovable, and the perfect entertainer for children of all ages. Loli Pop specializes in providing interactive entertainment for your party guests, which includes dancing (both classic and new favorites!), games, face painting, balloon twisting and more!”

Diamond’s a lucky man. When you’re questioning where it all went wrong you can always drop some molly on a Sunday morning and spend the day painting your chick’s face and wait for her to squirt glitter. It could certainly be better, but it could be a lot worse. I hope she wears the full Loli Pop for the conjugal visits. Diamond’s going to be a rock star on the inside.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Dustin Diamond Maybe Wanted To Stab Someone (VIDEO)

By Matt December 29, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Bars on Christmas night are an inherently grim scene. It’s the one night of the year when the Good Lord dictates you stay inside and get shit faced with your loved ones. If that means secretly taking pulls off a bottle of Southern Comfort in the top cabinet so be it. The entire point of having a girlfriend over the holidays is so you won’t be out burning the midnight oil in a dive on Jesus’ birthday. Dustin Diamond was with his girl getting lit in the Wisconsin public when some guys probably started making fun of him for being TV’s Screech. In measured response, Diamond stabbed one of them with a switchblade.

Diamond claims he acted in self-defense and that his girlfriend was being attacked. But video taken right before the stabbing shows a premeditating Diamond pondering exactly how he was going to stab someone with his switchblade. Rule number one about switchblades is that people who buy them really want to stab someone with a switchblade. Before Diamond shanked the guy there was time enough for some chick in the background to remark “Holy shit, he’s got a fucking knife!” You’d think that would give one ample time to put the knife back in your pocket and exit the standoff now that the element of surprise is no longer. But then there’s all that inebriated Screech pride boiling up and the pressure to prove to your girl that you’re a man. Please take some time during your prison stint to at least consider your choice of weapons.

Photo credit: Splash News

Justin Bieber Got a Jet For Christmas

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 12:36 PM

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In the spirit of the season, I’m solidly behind Justin Bieber bragging about the new jet he got for Christmas. Why drop tens of millions on your own personal aircraft if you can’t brag about it. It makes everybody else’s Porsche look really fucking weak. There are only three real ways to be gangster. Beat a man to death with your rings, ass fuck Nicki Minaj, or buy yourself a G6. Bieber quickly identified his only possible admissions criteria and he went for it. Selena Gomez got a lesbian chick with an expert tongue, Bieber got a fucking jet. Who wins now, pancake face?

Photo credit: Asshole on Twitter

Screech Shanks Someone And Shit Around The Web

By Jack December 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Dustin Diamond was arrested for allegedly stabbing a mutherfucker at a bar. Apparently, Screech was drowning his sorrows in booze when someone got in his grill and told him Lisa Turtle would never love him. So, out came the switchblade. The dude is OK but Screech is probably getting the ‘ol AC Slater up the brown chute.

Read all about Screech’s latest train wreck. (TMZ)

Do you like to look at Farah Holt’s tits? Well, you’re in luck. (Drunken Stepfather)

Alexis Ren shows off her sweet ass in daisy dukes. (Hollywood Tuna)

Stella Maxwell wears a teeny weeny bikini, y’all. (Popoholic)

Someone stole Usher’s computer and pictures of his wiener will probably hit the web. (Dlisted)

Check out these hot Korean girls from “The Interview” for America and freedom. (COED)

Irina Shayk displays her hot wares on Instagram. (The Superficial)

Mark Wahlberg’s Wife In a Bikini

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Mark Wahlberg And His Wife Rhea Durham Spend Their Holiday In Barbados
I’d caption this photo, ‘Hey, look, gooks on our beach, let’s go skin them.’ I kid, because Mark Wahlberg once blinded a Vietnamese guy who later forgave him because he saw The Happening and felt he was mildly retarded. None of this takes away from the fact Mark’s wife still looks pretty hot after pumping out God knows how many Catholic family children. She was a working model before Mark made her his wife and assigned her CVS parking lot pamphleteering duties for his Decent People for a Chink-Free America. He’s not that racist for Dorchester. Still, I’d watch my back if you’re not predominantly white and don’t grocery shop at GNC.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

The Year of Chelsea Handler Naked Protests Nobody Cared About

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 11:11 AM

Best Of 2014 Chelsea Handler Naked Protest
I’ve always had a soft spot for the women desperate for attention. They’re the mainstay of my own dating life. I don’t hold Chelsea Handler in any disregard for swallowing the man’s chowder to catch her break. Fuck the judgmental people who don’t understand the laws of supply and demand in the entertainment job market. People get killed in the streets over a few dollars. You can fuck the boss for a $20 million talk show deal. It’s the holidays. I’m feeling especially kindly. Stop flopping out your teat on social media and let’s be friends.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter

Amanda Bynes Is Cured!

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 10:12 AM

Amanda Bynes Brunette And Stable
According to somebody who knows the cousin of Amanda Bynes’ mom’s Peet’s Coffee barista, Amanda is off her meds and doing fantastic. As evidence of such, Amanda has dyed her hair black and announced plans to enroll at USC, much to the chagrin of her hairdresser and the USC admissions board who had no idea about either. You need only look deep into the eyes of this Twitter photo posted on Christmas to see how far the crazy has been dispatched into the hinterlands.

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ … Amanda is off all meds, including Adderall, which caused her to get a DUI. When you speak with Amanda there is no way you would know she’s been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolarity. She is completely lucid.

Point of clarification, drugs don’t actually cause you to get a DUI. It’s like that whole guns kill people thing. Never mind. This seems like wonderful news and the right time to ignore the fact that stories about recently committed bipolar schizophrenics going of their meds and being perfectly fine inevitably leads to the follow-on stories about neighborhood dogs found ritualistic slaughtered in a dumpster and a girl naked but for a bloody blanket shaking uncontrollably in the back of a city bus. Nope. Today we celebrate.

Photo Credit: Twitter/Lovewrecked