Jessica Alba Is Now Just Gloating

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 11:58 AM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Promoting The Honest Co
The more aw shucks Jessica gives on her Honest Company is worth a fucking billion dollars road tour the more I can’t help but feel she’s giving the middle finger to America. You should feel a little karma blessed when mommies on the westside of everywhere are getting your Ebola free diapers delivered to their homes on recurring monthly charges. Alba’s downplaying of hysterical mom market domination is equivalent to pretending her ass doesn’t look amazing in her tight jeans. Aw shucks, I just try to find something that fits my mom body. Aw shucks, my eco-awesome ass wipes venture is now worth a gazillion. Aw shucks, I can’t act but I’m in four films coming out in 2015 because I’m hot and every creature in this world with descended balls wants to have me. Just say it, woman. Nobody voted for Romney because he apologized for his seven mansions and awesome magic underwear. America secretly loves a gloater. Call yourself queen bitch and order all the ugly people to eat your shit. You won’t believe how well that works.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Kendall Jenner Tits Becoming Influential

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 11:10 AM

Kendall Jenner Shows Underboob During Fashion Show And Holds Up Signs After In Paris
Gay vampire fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld decided it’d be super chic to use a protest theme for his latest line of fashion perfect for the woman running a fragrance empire in a 1970′s. Protests are very popular these days. War torn populations begging for basic human rights, starving throngs demanding the overthrow of corrupt governments, and recently deflowered clove smoking girls cruising the catwalk in Paris hawking pricey shmata. No one group owns the right to assemble in protest.

Kendall Jenner and Cara Delevingne carried on their protest march theme even after leaving the show mostly because nobody rebooted their analog programming. They converted the mock fashion show protest into a real live social activation on Twitter by hashtagging Free the Nipple, that online campaign designed to give middle aged men more things to whack off to at their computers. Kendall Jenner officially graduated from being just an uneducated walking mannequin to an uneducated walking mannequin having Cara Delevingne go down on her in the back of a car. Hashtag Fuck High School if you know what I’m saying.

Photo Credit: INF

Emily Ratajkowski Is In Cosmo

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 10:29 AM

Emily Ratajkowski Poses For Cosmopolitan
It’s hard to take a woman as seriously after seeing her plunder her own sweaty parts in dozens of hacked private photos. Curse you explicit candid photos of attractive women. How can I take this chick’s posing in magazines or dancing topless in music videos work seriously knowing what she looks like frigging herself in bed? It’s like watching Hilary Clinton drop a deuce. Can I vote for an infernal nanny shrew after seeing her plotz? Nay.

Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan

Maitland Ward Is Red Sonja of Long Beach

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 9:58 AM

Maitland Ward Is Red Sonja At Long Beach Comic Con
Somebody leaked the enormous gate receipts at San Diego Comic-Con a few years back and about five minutes later every city with a convention center that could hold 1,001 nerds opened their own Comic-Con. Why the fuck not. Adult male fanboys spend cash like girls at the mall with their parents CCV codes. You put some cosplay tits in their face and they will cash out their Radio Shack 401(k)’s. These comic book conventions have created an entirely new job function for big topped did a show once actresses like Maitland Ward who are still willing to dress up like Red Sonja to make man-boys experience diurnal emissions. Unlike most comic books, the conventions usually have a happy ending. That’s a euphemism for Maitland Ward having to shower with bleach while repressing memories of continuous sticky pawed assaults on or near her tits and ass.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Mommy Blogger Redshirts Kid

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 9:45 AM

Shell

Shell Roush writes a hard hitting blog featuring such titles as “Why I Wear Pajamas To School Drop Off.” She recently revealed she is delaying enrolling her kid into kindergarten for a year because of what she believes are new rigorous school standards of reading and potty training. Allowing her kid an extra year to develop his brain by watching cartoons and listening to Roush’s vaccine hysteria will insure he is able to keep up with the sing alongs and also have a fire hose his classmates find impressive.

It’s unclear if Roush’s kid is just slow and she can’t admit it, but the odds don’t look good he’ll be curing cancer or even winning any spelling bees with chest hair sticking out of his polo. Look for this to become a trend. Frantic parents are now looking for anything to give their kid a competitive edge outside of teaching them shit. I would have loved to be 21 years old my senior year of high school, statutory assaulting all the sophomore chicks after plying them with Boon’s Farm while holding down an assistant manager job across town at the Target. Don’t jump the gun lady, this kid should probably chill at home for a few more years until he can construct a Lego house with a second floor that doesn’t collapse every time he giggles and takes a dump on it in the playroom.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

The Simpsons Pulls A Fast One (VIDEO)

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Nostalgic nerds were pissed the Season 26 premiere of The Simpsons did not live up to meager expectations. Promos had a major bomb shell to be dropped in that one of the show’s characters was going to die. This flew in the face of public perception that all the characters and the entire show were already dead. Twitter nerds flipped out when the character turned out to be Krusty the Clown’s dad, who you probably don’t remember from the show when you used to watch it while doing your math homework before you had hair on your balls. Diehard fans were apparently hoping one of the show’s main characters would be killed off, because that’s what you want on a show you have an unhealthy obsession with if you are kind of a psycho. Typical reactions were pretty much unanimously short and to the point:

“The new Simpsons episode was a major disappointment. Krusty’s dad! Really? Overhyped is an understatement…”

It seems highly possible The Simpsons is running out of gimmicks. Once you’re on your way out it’s typical to kick back, throw some shit at the wall, and see what sticks. Especially when your writers’ room is heated by a bonfire of hundred dollar bills. Its a sad thing to see another childhood staple slowly run out of steam along with the two Cory’s and all the dead wrestlers you used to love. A few billion dollars and you hit a creative Berlin Wall around your 9,000th episode. They had a very good run. RIP.

Reese Witherspoon Unscripted With Script (VIDEO)

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:55 AM

Reese Witherspoon shot a segment for Vogue in which she answers 73 pre-screened questions in the most irritating, faux on-the-spot cadence you have ever heard. The segment is staged to look natural, fails miserably, and serves the basic purpose of allowing Witherspoon to show off her house which has been carefully set dressed to look like a real estate spread devoid of authenticity or contain human emotions. Deperately attempting to be a cute and bouncy teen on her second marriage in her 30s, she hams it up saying she’d love to dine with all the female U.S. Senators (dream dinner!), her rap name would be “Little Spoon”, and some other trite pre written schlock. The series is part of the new Vogue Channel, which you can subscribe to if you ever want to feel the overwhelming urge to kidney punch actresses you previously thought were cool. If you ever thought Witherspoon suffers occasional moments of self doubt, think again. If you still aren’t sure she will spit shine her Oscar and rub it in your face, which she does fruitfully and without irony in this very poor publicity choice which will likely see her PR rep fired immediately.

If you want to see Reese Witherspoon unscripted, I’d recommend this little bit of vérité, which is French for being wasted and swearing:

Chris Brown Seems Earnest

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:40 AM

CB

Chris Brown is a known gang affiliate who probably irritates victims of gang violence yet remains conspicuously popular among the Nobody You Know demo. For whatever reason Brown has received a pass to permeate mainstream media even though he only performs at crime scenes now and nobody can name any of his songs. Its like if the guy hanging out outside the 7-11 with a backwards bandana took over hosting Late Night for David Letterman. Brown’s mom is apparently now trying to convince her son’s therapist to get Brown to drop his gang peeps. While it would be a funny idea for a movie starring Kevin Hart and Robert De Niro pretending to be a tough guy, it seems futile when applied to the real wold and an unredeemable asshole.

“I talk to my therapist twice a week whether it’s good or bad…I think it’s good to have somebody that you can vent to. Somebody that understands situations and is not judgmental…as a young guy coming up in the industry at fifteen, you don’t really get that, you don’t get the crash course on how to grow up and how to learn from your mistakes and handle situations differently.”

Actually everyone should be judgmental of abusive assholes. Not sure what these sessions entail, but for anyone not psychotically inclined it’s a clear decision. The Bloods don’t boast a track record of success, although neither do shitty former teeny bopper R&B singers with inadequacy issues. Brown should probably fire his shrink and get his advice from random people in line at supermarkets. It would be more to the point. It seems everyone involved in this story is failing on multiple levels including all of society and the mental health field. If my Death Pool is correct we shouldn’t have to listen to this shit too much longer.

Photo Credit: Instagram