Morrissey Will Only Hurt Humans

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 6:14 AM

Morrissey

Morrissey’s ex bodyguard Bradley Steyn is suing the British singer because he claims Morrissey pushed him to kick some guy’s ass. That guy was running a fan site about Morrissey which provided some personal details of Morrissey’s life, like how he cuddles with sprouted tofu and has no penis. Steyn claims Morrissey asked if there was a way the guy ‘could get hurt.’ That is usually a euphemism for physical violence but since Morrissey has the emotional strength of a nine year old Swedish child he may have just wanted Steyn to ‘hurt’ his feelings by telling him he had buck teeth.

Steyn claims Morrissey’s tour manager asked if he could kill the guy right in front of Morrissey, who had previously tried summoning the animals of the ancient forest to no avail. Steyn said he was not a killer and being Morrissey’s bodyguard was work enough, since even the slightest bit of physical contact would leave Morrissey with a bruise the size of a free trade rutabaga. The lawsuit sounds pretty bogus. Vegans don’t actually order hits on bloggers even when the anemic shakes leave them semi-coherent. Morrissey is more likely to write an eleven minute ballad about sobbing deer than he is use the word murder in a sentence. ‘d say Steyn gets $25K to go away and we get a fun story about an annoying dick. Everybody wins.

 

enough, although it would not be surprising to learn Morrissey is overly vindictive and prone to dramatic flights of fantasy because he is a bitch on his period.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Alessandra Ambrosio Understands the Internet

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Posts A Bikini Photo To Instagram
I get offer letters every day from people selling consulting services on how to better understand the Internet. Obviously, you need paid counseling to comprehend the complex equation that tits and sports and gambling account for 98% of all male Internet online activity. So entirely different than offline, plus or minus half a percent. Alessandra Ambrosio understands the Internet. You don’t make the move from Brazil to Brentwood without knowing how to manipulate innate human desire. I don’t even know which ass is hers. And I don’t care. That’s the genius. The intersection of arousal and not giving a shit is where men erect their Honeycomb Hideouts.

Photo Credit: Alessandra Ambrosio/Instagram

Sylvie Van der Vaart Bikinis Again

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 2:04 PM

Sylvie Van der Vaart Goes For A Swim In A Bikini In St Tropez
I’m still trying to process the fact that men leave women like this because they want to make more babies. It’s a foreign thing. Here in the U.S. men leave women like this for the more appropriate reasons of wanting to get laid elsewhere without hassle by other equally hot women. Or because they have disturbing fetishes that hot girls don’t need to play along with because they have options. Or just because they’re bitches be nagging. I’ve never heard of a guy ditching because he wants to make more babies. The U.S. has drug problems, corrupt politicians, squandered natural resources, and fat women addicted to soap operas. The only thing that keeps us from being Mexico is that our men don’t like to breed obsessively. That’s a gross generalization. Really the best kind.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lea Michele Lends Her Talents to Sons of Anarchy

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 1:44 PM

Lea Michele Smokes A Cigarette In A Frumpy Waitress Outfit Filming 'Sons Of Anarchy' With Katey Sagal In Acton
If you need something dead, Lea Michele is your go-to girl. The Glee star took a break from mounting her male hooker on top of Dead Cory Monteith’s memory to film a scene for the final season of Sons of Anarchy. Lea will play Gertie, a truck stop waitress and struggling single mom. To prep for the role, Lea forced one of her assistants to tell her horrible stories of growing up between the coasts where they had no access to first-run theater. Expect a lot of emoting and long draws on the cigarettes as Lea tries to get to that Emmy stage for yet another tear-filled speech about hope and embracing the future and destroying bitches on the set who get in your way.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet

Nude Models Body Painted Because That’s Fucking Art, Nimwit

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Nude Models Get Body Painted By A Group Of Artists Organized By Andy Golub In New York
Andy Golub had an artistic vision. Find a whole bunch of not really good looking people and body paint them naked so they could march around New York City in celebration of ugly people covered in paint day. Bodypainting Day for short. He tried the same thing a few years ago and one of his models got arrested for public nudity then sued NYC and won $15K because it turns out it’s totally legal to be unattractive and naked in public in New York. Now New York is fucked because it’s open season for people who love to get naked to get naked. San Francisco passed a similarly liberating ordinance and within eleven seconds there were one thousand obese bears rubbing their bare asses on public park benches and bus stops along upper Market. Anybody who ever connected public nudity with sexy needs to be punched in the gourd for passively creating this urban nightmare.

Photo Credit: Getty

Ben Affleck Jelly Spine And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 30, 2014 @ 12:32 PM

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Kevin Smith revealed that his bromance with vagina-chinned Ben Affleck ended because Jennifer Garner thinks Smith is a foul mouthed fat stoner piece of shit. It’s unclear if she had problems with parts of that or all of that. More importantly, this is another tale in the fast growing legend that is pussy-whipped Ben Affleck.

Read all about the death of nerd friendship. (Moviepilot)

Wanna see Jessica Alba in a bikini for Maxim? Why,yes! (Huffington Post)

Beyonce proves she and Jay Z aren’t getting a divorce through Instagram. (The Superficial)

Kimberly Garner and her ass model her bikinis just for you. (COED)

Today in Kim K feuds, she’s hates Adrienne Bailon. (Dlisted)

Abigail Ratchford knows what you need: bouncing boobies. (BroBible)

Kate Upton’s tits were featured in Elle. I guess she’s in it too. (Fishwrapper)

OKCupid Fucked With People’s Romance

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

okcupid-homepage
There aren’t many things we hold sacred in this fragile fabric we call society, but online dating was supposed to be one of them. 99% of Internet matchmaking might consist of fraudulent profiles, dick pics, crazy hooker scams, and people pretending to love to hike, but there was a small corner of the digital dating realm that we believed was as clean as Disney’s Main Street. Not any longer. OKCupid just shit on Main Street.

You may recall OKCupid as the dating site so high minded that it refused to allow Firefox users access through its glistening portals because the Mozilla CTO once donated to an anti-gay marriage proposition. They were a dating site that took a stand. Also, one who was finding new business only in same sex registrants. Now the founder of OKCupid, Christian Rudder, admits OKCupid intentionally mismatched potential couples to see if their algorithm of compatible boning actually worked, or if test dupes who were duplicitously told they were matches would fall for each other just the same.

The ultimate question at OKCupid is, does this thing even work?” In the back of our minds, there’s always been the possibility: maybe it works just because we tell people it does. Maybe people just like each other because they think they’re supposed to?”

Ten years into the life of your Harvard geek website seems about the right time to ask if your product actually works. At least Zuckerberg tested his algorithm first. He knew through some scientific rigor that it would ruin society. Then he cackled like a vengeful nerd and moved forward.

It turns out people don’t actually like finding out their online services are fucking with them for the purposes of blind experimentation. It’s like people who join disease studies then find out they just got the placebos for six months and now they have four weeks left to live. But, hey, thanks for advancing science. It’d be easy to say that anybody who naively believes in the ability of online dating service to find them happiness deserves what they get. So I’m going to say that.

Anais Zanotti In A Pink Bikini

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 10:50 AM

Anais Zanotti In A Pink Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I’m going to go ahead and say pink is this French girl’s color. I once had my color profile done at a mall. The girl shuddered as she told me I was black as death. Then she hurried away in tears screaming about Carcosa. That was awkward. If I could only find a partner like this chick who is both pink and has enormous tits, we could blend into something like a muddy brown and more subtly drive the people around us into insanity.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News