Chelsea Handler Super Close to Being Raped By Cosby

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 1:38 PM

Chelsea-Handler-on-E-in-2005

Chelsea Handler suddenly remembers she was almost Cos-Raped ten years ago in an Atlantic City hotel where she was performing standup. She remembers being with three dudes who were maybe filming her for something she can’t remember. So, sex tape. A manager from the hotel came and told her Bill Cosby was also performing at the hotel and wanted to invite her for an afternoon visit to his hotel room. Unlike every other woman in the Cosby allegations spanning fifty years, Handler sensed something awry.

That’s really weird. I don’t want to go alone.’ I go, ‘I don’t know him.’ So the three guys I was with –thank God these guys were with me. One was filming and one was like a producer; we were filming something –I brought them up with me to his room and thank God I did, because now I know what would’ve happened if I went up there alone.

It’s unclear whether or not Handler is making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention or she’s not making up the story now because she’s desperate for attention. She learned one valuable lesson that day — fuck the chief at E! and you’ll get more than just a roofie hangover. Make that now thirty woman who have come forward claiming Cosby drugged them and assaulted them and and one woman who claims this shit almost kind of sort of could’ve happened. Was your topless selfie camera not working today, Chelsea? Back to the galleys.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jeremy Clarkson Gets Kicked To The Curb And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 26, 2015 @ 1:19 PM

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Old English woman Jeremy Clarkson has been fired from Top Gear for beating the shit out of one of his producers. As someone who works in production I can sympathize. There are lots of people in the TV industry that deserve an ass whooping from a cantankerous British biddy.

Read all about Jeremy getting dropped like a lowrider in Echo Park. (Dlisted)

Ain’t nothin’ like a pair of free titties. (The Chive)

Jennifer Lopez returns to banging her teenaged backup dancer. (TMZ)

Floppy-titted Chelsea Handler says Bill Cosby tried to sex her up too. (Huffington Post)

Sara Sampaio eats the shit out of a Carls Jr. burger. Sexily. (COED)

The Jet’s Flight Crew takes some sexy calendar pics in the Caribbean. (Busted Coverage)

Rita Ora wears a see-through shirt so you can see her tittyballs. (Drunken Stepfather)

Amber Rose Figured It Out

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 12:19 PM

Amber Rose Topless Covered On The Beach
It’s easy to mock chicks who wage personal battles by means of naked photos and tons of Photoshop. What weapons are they supposed to select from the jousting shed? Rhetorically sharp Lincoln-Douglas stump style debates? No, you dance with the tits that brung you. Or the ass with the cheesy pocks cloned out for increased Internet masturbator splooge distance. It’s always the magic hour when you’ve got editing software. This is everything anybody likes about Amber Rose encapsulated into a single photo. Your halberd and Braveheart speech looks pretty weak now.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Charlize Theron Tries to Forget The Gunman

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 11:36 AM

Charlize Theron Wears A Swimsuit James White For Capitol Grand
I don’t want to show pictures of Sean Penn because his resting bitchy face gives me asthma. Here’s Charlize Theron. She’s the last great trick of this overbearing Svengali. Sean Penn’s movie The Gunman just tanked out of the gates because he polished the Taken clone script with too many topless old man roid body scenes and personal political statements. There’s no single worse combo than vanity and self-righteousness. Maybe a super hot girl with The AIDS. The odds are still in your favor. Plus she won’t talk nonstop about the Cuban healthcare system. She knows it’s a myth. She’s got The AIDS and she’s already inquired. Pick her for the long car ride.

Photo Credit: James White For Capitol Grand

Things Not To Say When Your Neighbor Kills 150 People

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 11:25 AM

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There are only two reasons why a news crew will ever come ask questions about your neighbor. He’s the new President or he’s just killed a whole bunch of innocent people. Look at your neighbor. He’s not going to be President. I’m still amazed at the dipshits who provide the ‘he seemed pleasant, a quiet guy’ response to the reporter chick with the microphone. I don’t care if his snickerdoodles were the hit of the block party and he once rescued Mr. Freckles from a tree.

It looks now almost certain that this Germanwings/Lufthansa co-pilot, Andreas Lubbitz, intentionally locked the bladder weak pilot out of the cockpit and smashed a plane full of 150 mostly German tourists returning from Barcelona into the French alps. Nobody knows why he did it. Eventually the depression and pills and failed relationship and ties to some weird cult group that meets at the local Wienerwald will come out. For now, he was just a suicidal head case who decided to take a shitload of innocent people along to his final destination. Don’t be the inevitable clueless neighbor with this quote:

He always seemed very polite and always said hello and I said hello back.

If you were Hitler’s neighbor in 1911, it was cool to say he had a sweet mustache and was a decent painter. Not so much after you were made aware of his Final Solution. You barely knew this Lufthansa pilot. What you do know is that he just crashed a full airliner into a mountain on purpose. Oh, he also said hello and you said hello back? Dick. Put this in your back pocket for next time: “I sensed something was wrong with this guy. It’s the eyes. I was on my way to alert the authorities when I heard of the tragedy. If only I could have saved those lives. I’ll live with this forever.’

Photo credit: Getty Images

Brandi Glanville Nipple

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 10:01 AM

Brandi Glanvilles Nipple Was Hanging Out On The Latest Epsiode of Real Housewives
Brandi Glanville is a case study in why the steady farmer puts down even his best horse when she’s past her prime. It’s hard to watch the decline. And you can only feed so many mouths. Also, that horse might decide to start appearing on Bravo!, a network that now exists solely to examine what happens when you give middle aged alcoholics tons of booze then flash lights in their eyes. You stumble around West Hollywood with a tampon hanging out of your mom hole. Or some other chick is suing you for swearing on the bible that her pussy smells like sardines. Or your nipple falls out of your top and you’re too fucked up to notice. It doesn’t matter. When somebody’s plummeting toward the deck after jumping off a hi-rise, nobody ever asks ‘what floor are they on?’.

Photo Credit: “Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills” Bravo

Isabeli Fontana Brazilian And Braless

By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 8:29 AM

Isabeli Fontana Brazilian And Braless Harpers Bazaar Spain
At some point somebody convinced good looking girls in Brazil to stop eating and the South American supermodel was born. Hundreds of women who might otherwise be chubby chicks selling meat skewers on street corners in Sao Paolo started taking all the European people model jobs. There’s a silent prejudice against pale anorexics. Every guy knows those women eschew calories because they hate their parents and can’t wait to make your life a living hell. Skinny exotic looking women just grew up without food and will tattoo your full Christian name on their clit if you buy them a Shamrock shake off the dollar menu. I could be wrong, but there’s a chance I’m not.

Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar Spain

Jeremy Renner Blackmailed

By Matt March 26, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Sonni-Pacheco-When-Pregnant

Jeremy Renner’s estranged Canadian model wife and baby mama, Sonni Pacheco, reportedly threatened to release his sex videos if he didn’t help her get a green card. In legal documents, Renner repeatedly refers to his wife as a gold digger, which makes sense because she is requesting $12,000 a month in child support to be paid in the form of Nordstrom gift cards. Renner has heard more gay rumors than your average civil war reenactment horse whisperer so it should come as no surprise the couple lived with a roommate. It only makes sense it’s a dude and his dong appears in the sex tape because you don’t blackmail a famous celebrity with threat of exposing him having regular old sex with his wife. Nor do you have a male roommate if your career is going swimmingly and you’re into vagina. Beards often turn out to be terrible people. The non-broken segment of the population just wouldn’t be into it. That’s why hit men typically have domestic troubles. At least they brought a child into it.

Photo Credit:FameFlynet