By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
You either get the arm pit rolls or the underwear flash. Both is just spoiled. I’m sorry you moved to Hollywood on a phone call and a promise from Ellen. You’re not the first woman. You won’t be the last. Let your big breasts and remarkably good British teeth provide you hope. Update your dating profile. Hiking is just another word for too fat to jog.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 7:43 AM
Feminist groups are sweating like vegan marmalade since a Bernie Sanders stream of consciousness essay implying that women dig rape fantasy went viral. Sanders was just a kid at the time, or thirty-one if you’re counting for real. The embarrassing erotica lit was found in a dumpster and handed over to liberal bloggers by nobody knows who. Though if you bet the house on Hillary Clinton, you get to keep the house. She’s very thorough.
A man goes home and masturbates his typical fantasy. A woman on her knees, a woman tied up, a woman abused. A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.
You punch that up in a few places and you’ve got a decent letter to Penthouse. Or early manifesto lingo for the Vassar Underground. Feminists consider Bernie Sanders one of the few male heroes in Congress. He votes in complete alignment with their political agenda and can barely maintain a threatening erection. But anything rape culture is the bread and butter of feminist triggers. Expect an internal debate in feminist corridors. Ultimately, each woman, and George Clooney, will be asked to decide for themselves how to feel about Bernie Sanders sexual assault sex prose. Free will will be followed immediately by a central edict on precisely how to think. This is no time for democracy. Lena Dunham just clocked past 200 lb. and she’s the happy one. Code pink!
By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 12:23 PM
That rapscallion who got detained at a Texas high school for being the only dark skinned Muslim kid who happened to be bringing a homemade clock to school that day is now suing the school district. He wants his dignity back. Also, his C4. Gonna need that for prank jihad day.
Ahmed Mohamed didn’t really make the clock so much as fashion an old alarm clock into something in a metal case that would today cause evacuation of half of Paris if found on a bench near the Champs-Élysées. Times being as they are, every single politically correct U.S. elected official declared the troublemaking scamp a victim of Islamophobia. Right on up to President Obama who invited Mohamed to the White House to fuck his wife so she could see what a non-closeted Muslim cock felt like in the sack. That seems wrong. He’s only fourteen. I’m pretty sure it happened.
Mohamed and his family took off for Qatar shortly thereafter but left behind a team of attorneys to sue for fifteen large. Should we make the check out to you or just to cash. What’s easier for ISIS?
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Jack November 24, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
The new fashion trend for women is jackets with no bras. It’s one step away from being a worthwhile trend. Jackets are a thing of the past century, before global warming and wicked strong antibiotics.
Renee Olstead’s cleavage is a sight to behold. (Last Men On Earth)
Greek hottie Adele Exarchopoulos lounges topless in a bath. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Is Justin Bieber pretending he likes girls with his old beard Selena Gomez? (TMZ)
Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini is a beautiful thing. (Drunken Stepfather)
These nerd girls are begging for my sonic screwdriver. (The Chive)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley also brought the cleavage. (Popoholic)
In other news, Kevin Federline is still alive. (Dlisted)
By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 11:28 AM
I couldn’t figure out who the third chick is. Let’s just hope she films the other two well when they pleasure each other because hot women in bikinis can’t stop fucking in the changing room. Everything you needed to know you learned in kindergarten. Everything I needed to know I learned from watching Cinemax. You know how to share. I know women want big fake tits and intercourse blocked by a softcore porn safety donut. And action, girls. You’re already touching and half-naked. Let nature take its course. Lesbian can once again be a happy word.
Photo Credit: Mia Marcelle
By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 10:21 AM
The fashion business is one massive ruse. It’s the equivalent of telling Jacksonville Jaguars fans that this is the year. That dress looks suspiciously like something already in your closet. I know you’re paying for it yourself, but I might note that I pay for my own clothes and our rent. The entire point of designer clothing for women is to make other women jealous for not being able to fit into that same dress. A Holly Holm foot to the face is more subtle. Men might tell a woman she looks great in a dress, but what they really mean is, let’s get naked and fuck. That’s also true for ‘how was your day’ and ‘of course I love Mr. Whiskers’. Relationships are complicated. Fashion isn’t. There are five different dresses in the entire world. You own fifteen of them.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 9:49 AM
Eva Longoria spends a good deal of time reminding people that Latinos matter. Just in case you’d forgotten. She means Latinos in television mostly, not the ones who pick the grapes. We all agree they don’t matter and Eva wants her produce as cheap as the next vegetarian. We know you’re real, Eva. If you were fake you’d make better TV shows. Not for nothing but I’d consider securing a third husband this winter. Ruffles are your subconscious telling you it’s time to settle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 7:14 AM
Amongthe benefits of descending into your basement laboratory and jigsawing out your lady parts is early onset menopause. Fuck those big pharma commercials where women are scratching their menopausal human shells into bloody shreds. Jolie finds it calming. Like a serial killer after taking a victim. Jolie claims menopause makes her feel all grown up. Jolie maintains that contrary to the opinion of every person ever, lopping off your tits and reproductive organs makes you more womanly. She takes comfort in her kids never having to hear, your mom died of ovarian cancer. Your mom is super creepy and makes shitty movies apparently not a problem. Also, car accident.
Photo credit: Getty Images