By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 12:11 PM
There’s nothing more American than Labor Day. It might be an international trade union event that morphed into communism and the world’s worst parades ever, but it’s still the day we close all the public pools sending the pedophiles back into the classrooms and Fed-Ex Kinko’s. Nothing says U.S.A. like some British chick and an Australian chick with a big fake ass at a Made in America concert in Los Angeles. They did a lot of pretending to make out and feel each other up, which I appreciate. You can’t auto-tune fake lesbian stage antics. Within this decade Labor Day will be swapped out for a holiday about turning off your air-conditioning so that marmosets won’t go extinct. Enjoy it now, comrades. America, Fuck Yeah.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:54 AM
Fuck you for telling a lady on her wedding days she can’t feel like a virgin. Jenny McCarthy looked like an angel with silicon tits at her marriage over the weekend to the less successful Wahlberg brother. While celebrity marriages face long odds, celebrity marriages where both spouses have clear calendars until their iPhones stop counting stand a remarkably good chance at success.
Mark Wahlberg was unable to attend the wedding because he didn’t have enough airline points. Also because he’s a Catholic who believes you charitably accept wayward whores, you don’t marry them. Everybody was happy for Donnie for bagging the busty blond so they could update his Wiki page for the first time in twenty years. Donnie’s already practiced his ‘no comment’ smile for when reporters ask him if he agrees with his wife that ebola is natural and just makes kids stronger.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:09 AM
Who doesn’t want something on underneath their clothes that makes them feel like a right proper whore. I once had a girlfriend who made me wear a pair of something other than muted color boxers and I felt like a million goddamn self-esteem points. My confidence skyrocketed, I asked the boss for a raise, I told my dad I didn’t want to be a cantor like he and his father before him, and I finally got calves after a decade of futility at the gym. It was like discovering you were from Krypton and not like all the other boys. I had sex with the girl at the office I never thought I could get. My girlfriend cried and dumped me. Her fault. I went back to gray boxers. That was too much power.
Photo Credit: LOU
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:44 AM
The powerhouse that is America may not be the shining light on the hill it once was, but we still stand for all things super-sized. Everything here is supposed to be big. We have big business, big cars, big round people, and we’re supposed to have big tits. It’s okay for your standard liberal arts college coed to have itty bitties, but when we send envoys around the world, they need big boobs that scream America. Emma Stone is kind of disappointing. She’s in Venice. We had a war there not so long ago. We don’t need bosomy Italian women laughing at our flat chested saplings. Now that I didn’t legally see them, I’m allowed to say that Kate Upton has big old jam filled mams. Certainly we can train her to act to the level of an Emma Stone. A year at an actor’s academy and some number of electrical shocks ought to suffice. This time next year, I want all Europeans once more scoffing at us stupid Americans and with our big bloated tits.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty
By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:05 AM
Gay Michael Sam did not make the final cut for the St. Louis Rams start of the season roster. This could mean an abrupt end to the ESPN investigation into how Sam’s teammates were handling his alluring gay penis in the locker room. I don’t mean literally handling. Or do I? ESPN 360 that shit. Michael Sam made history on draft day when he kissed his boyfriend with a mouth full of cake on national television to signify that men who open mouth kiss other men with mouths full of cake would now be accepted into the manly male club of the NFL. To the Rams, it signified that it was time to figure out a way to cut Sam all fairly and squarely and then cover their tracks:
Well, it was a football decision and it was no different than any other decision that we make. It was a football decision. It was a football decision back in May to draft Mike. And once again, it’s been all about football. — Jeff Fisher, Rams Head Coach
I’m sensing from Jeff Fisher that this was entirely a football decision. Fisher went on to document just how many snaps Sam took during preseason practices, how he had told Sam landing a roster spot would be tough from the beginning, and then holding hands with his fellow Rams staffers at the press conference and singing the LGBT Theme Song, which sounds remotely like Elton John’s Daniel. Somebody had to be first. Just like that black baseball player who was in the minors before Jackie Robinson but didn’t make the cut so nobody remembers his name or gives a shit. That’s probably Michael Sam’s fate after the next openly gay player becomes an MVP quarterback and gets an inspirational book series for young boys that parents refuse to allow in their house. History remembers the generals, not the soldiers.
By Lex August 31, 2014 @ 7:58 PM
Nope, I can’t show you this picture either. I’ve been threatened with the iron mask. But you can see the big tittied blonde and the Cy Young Award winner pushing his junk up into her butt HERE. There’s a bunch of other pictures too that look kind of like her big fat boobs. Probably a mix of real and fake. It’s safe to say, the world will never be the same. Even Hamas and ISIS put down their swords to stroke the shit out of their sweaty plowshares. Even hate filled men get hard-ons. Kate Upton has peaked today. That could be seen as unfortunate, unless you really think about what she had left to offer. It was time.