Madonna Fears Her Son May Be Straight

By Lex February 09, 2016 @ 12:36 PM

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Madonna’s son Rocco fled the U.S. at the end of last year to be with his dad Guy Ritchie in London because dad didn’t insist he share quarters with three dozen Moroccan boy dancers who smell like liniment and make strange guttural noises in the middle of the night. Madonna filed a series of legal challenges yet to be decided to demand her son back. She’s recently hired a private investigator to trail her son in London. The P.I. reports back to Madonna that Rocco is skipping school, hanging out in skate parks, and smoking cigarettes. Guy Ritchie doesn’t seem to care. Or he’s gay deprogramming his son. Madonna insists her teen son needs the structure only a world tour and seeing your fifty-seven year old mom in just a metal bra splashing olive oil on her vulva in front of 30,000 Slovakians can bring. A court will decide next month which fucked up situation Rocco must endure until he’s eighteen and can start self-medicating with drugs in his own apartment. There’s nothing worse than when Sean Penn shows up to your intervention calling himself your uncle. Fucking drama queen.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Frenchy Morgan Is Your Valentine’s Day Backup

By Lex February 09, 2016 @ 11:56 AM

Frenchy Morgan Pink Thong For Valentines Day
Valentine’s brings out the best in people. Anxiety, whoring, empty consumerism. A day to look down at the woman you love faking an orgasm beneath you and thinking about how you could do better. Don’t feel bad, she’s thinking the exact same thing. Frenchy Morgan, the girl we got back from France when we traded Natalie Portman and a case of antibiotics, got the bright idea to show you what you could have this February 14th instead of those $29.99 flowers.com roses that cost you $82.50 out the door and delivered. You had to get the teddy bear, you poor fool. I might stick with the flowers or opt for Door Number Three provided it smelled less AIDSy. St. Valentine was kind of a dick.

Photo Credit: Splash

Chelsea Handler Bare Again

By Lex February 09, 2016 @ 10:17 AM

Chelsea Handler Bare Butt On Instagram
Everybody likes seeing reasonably attractive naked women. It has a market value. You’d think somebody who bills themselves as a comedian and entertainer and social commentator would attempt any one of those buttons for attention rather descending forthwith and repeatedly into ass and tit selfies. This may or may not be why women don’t get picked for Math teams. Somebody has to stand up for feminism. Now if you can turn around, sweetheart, so I can finish.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter

Miranda Kerr Seems Flexible

By Lex February 09, 2016 @ 8:36 AM

Miranda Kerr Spandex Booty
Miranda Kerr has that weird face that works if you’re a model because you’re instantly unique among the assembly line of similar looking female perfect faces. If she worked in IT at Verizon, she’d be called duck face behind her back even though technically hotter than any of the four other girls in the department. Kerr got into a noteworthy contract dispute with Victoria’s Secret two years ago and decided to hold out. Even franchise leading running backs know they eventually need to sign their NFL contract. It’s the only real game in town. Once a decade a player will sit out an entire season on principle then regret it as his wife leaves him and even his side whores don’t want to make babies. Victoria’s Secret is the Evil Corp of lingerie and swimsuit modeling. You could model in Dominican league for ten cents on the dollar but you’ll share a dressing room with girls with assault records. They will cut you over that eye liner, puta. Kerr has a nice ass and only let Orlando Bloom fuck her once to make a magic baby. If I were a wealthy man I’d hire her to lay in my front room and clean her privates with her own tongue like a cat. Yes, I’d offer health care. I’m not a monster.

Photo Credit: Richard Allen

Zac Efron is Fire Proof

By Lex February 09, 2016 @ 7:34 AM

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Somebody up there likes Zac Efron. Most prominently the studio executive standing above him shaking the last bit of cum out on Efron’s mug. Efron’s been cast in yet another medium budget “bro culture” comedy, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. “Bro culture” is a term promoted by breathless Cosmo bloggers and studio marketing departments to pretend that memes from gay frat house porn are pertinent to the modern masculine culture. By way of quick reference, your boyfriend doesn’t want to see Zac Efron movies. Not unless he has unsolicited comments on your formal wear.

Efron’s latest film is about two loser brothers whose dad forces them to bring respectable dates to their sister’s Hawaiian wedding. They inadvertently end up toting along two daredevil hustling street chicks who cause mayhem. So, Wedding Crashers without the funny or the nudity. The premise makes as much sense as the two male leads pretending they like girls. Tyler Perry in a dress can be explained by profit motive. Convenient for Perry. Zac Efron movies have no similar rationale. The next Ashton Kutcher is not a compliment. How do we keep electing Presidents who won’t make this stop?

Casey Anthony Just Wants to Take Pictures

By Lex February 08, 2016 @ 1:26 PM

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Florida acquitted child murderer Casey Anthony has emerged from a multiyear seclusion to open her own photography business. Splendid choice. It’ll mostly be her making funny faces at kids getting them to smile for the camera. For those tougher cases, she tells you about the time she buried her daughter in a shallow grave in the woods and the kids come around quickly with the toothy grins. Anthony’s taken to the streets to shoot street scenes and buildings in West Palm Beach. Florida street scene stock photography tends to be in demand around high profile TV trial murder cases. If you think those happen rarely in Florida, you’ve not read Anthony’s business plan. Anthony’s set up a bunch of online outlets for her work, though photos have yet to be posted. The wait is killing me. Just kidding. Murderer.

Photo credit: HLN/CNN