Iggy Azalea Talks to Kids About Her New Tits

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 12:25 PM

Iggy-Azalea-at-the-iHeart-Music-Awards-2015

Oh, boy, was Iggy Azalea mortified when ExtraTV had ten year old child actor Nicholas Bechtel ask her about spilling the beans on her new fake tits when nobody was asking. Azalea paused for astonished effect just like in rehearsal then opened up her heart:

Just because I think it’s so common and I knew so many people in my regular life that had done it and had a good experience and I never seen any celebrities talk about it although I know eighty percent of them have done it too and I wanted to kind of tell women that might be thinking about it my experience and that it can not necessarily be a bad thing…That’s why I did it.

Finally, somebody stepping forward to tell women that tit jobs are not necessarily a bad thing. That might be reverse construed as a good thing, but not in any court of law in the Western World. This helps position Azalea as a body image positive woman person thing. Not everybody gets bigger tits out of altruism. Soon we’ll learn that her ass injections are dedicated to the girls kidnapped by Boko Haram. If you can turn a boob job into a social message you’ve got good handlers. Let them pick your next boyfriend and name your bastard albino kids and you’re halfway to icon status.

Photo credit: Getty IM

Farrah Abraham Is Half-Genius

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 11:18 AM

Farrah-Abraham-Licking-Cupcake

Farrah Abraham is many things. She’s not stupid. She’s casting herself as the villain in every possible nook and cranny of her latest crappy staged MTV reality show. She was clearly paying attention to pro wrestling and comic book movies coming up. Not everybody is cut from the hero cloth. If you’re not sure if you are, just take a quick look behind you and see if some guy has his cock in your ass and another guy is filming you with a thumbs up sign. Not a hero. But heroes need villains and that’s where you get the long lasting dollars. Boo, I fucking hate you, hockey goon. Here’s my money, take it to the bank.

On Teen Mom OG, Abraham incessantly delivers staged nasty comments about all the other teen moms being white trash whores. Which they are. But she delivers the lines without irony. Who are people going to remember from this particularly piece of crap? They’re going to remember the horrible bitch with the big fake tits. And she’s going to get paid again. It’s not always about rising up, sometimes it’s just owning the alley. It’s all for the children.

Photo credit: Getty Images/Instagram

Hailey Baldwin Might Get Left Behind

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 10:44 AM

Hailey Baldwin Works On Modeling Jalouse Magazine
Remember that time you and your friends all decided school was for losers and you were going to be famous models together and then that happened for a bunch of you but one of you got left behind because you weren’t so particularly right for modeling? Stephen Baldwin seems good at those life lesson talks. He used to ride his skateboard in Venice and convince kids that Jesus was better than drugs and he knew because he was currently wicked fucking high. It’s not a bad idea to consider that vocational workshop sponsored by the Quick Service Restaurant industry.

When I was a kid my baseball coach told me to quit because I’d never be a good ball player. My school counselor told me my motto should be ‘go ugly early’ and apply that to every facet of my life. My parents sat me down and told me I was adopted from a woman too retarded to care for me, which after three years of investigation I learned wasn’t even true. They were just embarrassed. Today’s inclusiveness and everybody’s a winner mentality have left this poor girl thinking she’s a model. It starts with trophies for pissing in the potty and ends with Kelly Osbourne being a beauty expert. Kids should think they’re crap and then be pleasantly surprised by life’s little victories. I just solved drug abuse and teen pregnancy. You’re welcome.

Photo Credit: Jalouse Magazine

Britney Spears Has Evolved

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 10:22 AM

Britney Spears Cheers Her Son On At His Soccer Game In Woodland Hills
Seven years ago Britney Spears was locked with her kids in the bathroom threatening to off herself. Now, she’s rooting them on at AYSO and studying pre-Algebra so she can help her kids with their homework. This is a testament to modern medicine and the ability of her father make sure she eats her special sandwiches. I’m not saying every woman who shows signs of crazy ought to be tranquilized and put under strict custodianship, I’m just saying we need an honest debate. The world gets quieter but the sex gets less interesting. I could go either way.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Doutzen Kroes And Bethenny Frankel in A Bikini

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 9:53 AM

Doutzen Kroes And Bethenny Frankel Hang Out In Miami Together
Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes met up with the Bethenny Frankel skinny Ms. Potato head attachment figure and whispered in her ear, if I look like you do in fifteen years, I’m going to kill myself. Frankel agreed, then squeezed her ass cheeks to activate the hydraulic pumps that tighten the lifelike skin sheaths across her skeleton. Technology is pretty seamless these days. Someday, all women will have the opportunity to look like Bethenny Frankel in their 40′s. Inquire with your significant other if she plans on that option so you can start packing before she gives you a list of seventeen dates she’ll need rides home from the outpatient surgery center.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Tara Reid Sinking, DJs Be Inking

By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 9:36 AM

Tara Reid Relaxes Poolside In A Bikini In Miami
Shortly after Tara Reid bared her sloppy ass flesh to the Miami jet setters, the thespian boarded a flight back to L.A. where she got wasted, met a kid who claimed to be a DJ, got him wasted, landed, and escorted him to a tattoo parlor to get her name inked on his forearm for the forever. Tara then took off because if she’s not home before the booze wears off, her carriage turns back into a pumpkin.

The most telling part of this monsters ball comes when the reporter asks the junior college applied arts major if he anticipates he may someday regret having a barfly’s name tattooed on his arm. Nope, he answers like a true fucking cowboy. Don’t bother putting this on your resume, the guy you’re job interviewing with has already seen it twice.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet