Rachel Bilson in a Bikini Top on Some CW Show

By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

Rachel Bilson Wears A Bikini Top In New Season Of Heart Of Dixie
I’ve never heard of the Heart of Dixie, but now I must admit I’m interested. It just has to be another wonderful show in the long line of epically wonderful CW shows that the Smithsonian is always trying to get copies of for the underground vaults. Girls in wet bikini tops never hurt the sale process of any product. I think this actress is pregnant which is probably why you only see her chest up. That’s certainly not how a gentleman is supposed to view a woman, though it may be the only chance to get a male viewer on the CW. No offense to men who think sports are too violent.

Photo Credit: TheCW

Stephen Collins Is An Earnest Pedo

By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 11:32 AM

Stephen-Collins-and-the-Girls

People magazine, the celebrity pucker rag, let Stephen Collins publish an unchallenged apology for molesting girls forty years ago or maybe twenty when you get right to it. Collins’ wife, the evil female character named Faye Grant, had previously recorded Collins confessions to flashing young girls in the neighborhood, and putting one girl’s hand on his crotch, during their marital therapy sessions. She hoped to use the molestation claims against him in divorce court. They are rather more powerful than leaving socks on the floor or not being emotionally available during football season.

Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since. I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent. On the recording, I described events that took place 20, 32, and 40 years ago. The publication of the recording has resulted in assumptions and innuendos about what I did that go far beyond what actually occurred. As difficult as this is, I want people to know the truth.

And the truth is different than your leaked confession? No, it’s the same. What you wanted people to know is that you’re super sorry, that you’re the victim of a calculating ex-wife, and you’ve been atoning for it ever since by making tons of bad TV movies and TV appearances. I can’t help you buddy if people are assuming you did more than just the three child molestation instances mentioned on the tape. These deviant desires have a way of uncorking into more than just one three second incident every dozen years. If People magazine weren’t a puff platform for pedos, they might’ve gone down that path.

Lindsay Lohan Is Christmas (VIDEO)

By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 10:11 AM

Lindsay Lohan got the latest nod to dance creepily for Love Magazine’s ode to Quaalude Christmas. Video producers had the foresight to put Lindsay in an oversized sweater so viewers can pretend drinking since puberty hasn’t left her looking like an aging madam in an Old West saloon. I couldn’t think of anything more Christmas than watching Lindsay Lohan trying to be coquettish. Perhaps the reindeer pulling a train on Mrs. Clause while Kris films with a GoPro mounted to his hat. Or the birth of Jesus.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Paris Hilton Has Pink Panties and a Winning Smile

By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:37 AM

Paris Hilton Wears Super Cleavy Dress While Doing A DJ Set In London At Bonbonniere
I imagine hell to be Paris Hilton waving her arm in the air DJing at a sweaty nightclub while throngs babble in thick cockney accents. Fuck, I just shuddered. I hope when I get there it’s just flames and pitchforks and Sodomites who cackle over the latest Real Housewives gossip.

Paris whisked herself to London to DJ a wicked nightclub set fresh off being crowned the top DJ in the entire known universe. It’s the Heisman for bon vivants on viral suppressants. Paris looked absolutely fabulous with her tits pushed up and her ass period leaking an enticing stain on the rear of her dress. Her pink panties the international symbol for look but don’t touch or my bodyguard will snap off your dick like a ninja. The scene was perfect. Paris owned the heart of England. With any luck, the Queen will have her murdered like Diana.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI

Daphne Joy And Shantel Jackson Push Toys

By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:20 AM

Daphne Joy And Shantel Jackson Show Off Their Curves For Toys For Tots Project In Hollywood
That’s 50 Cents’ baby mama who sued him successfully for paternity and Floyd Mayweather’s ex who he dumped after she aborted their twin fetuses on Twitter. If the big fake titties of women who engage informally in unprotected sexual intercourse can’t convince people to donate wrapped toys for children who get none this Christmas, what will it take? I donate to Toys for Toys every year myself. I drop off some Milton-Bradley games, but I let the underprivileged kids see me holding back on the PS3s and premium gifting content hoping it inspires them to get off their asses and make something of themselves. This is America, little man in rags. Some day the Candylands won’t be coming for free.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Demi Lovato’s Boobs Seem to Be Doing Well

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 2:40 PM

Demi Lovato Super Chesty For Allure Photoshoot
Demi Lovato is another in the chain of girls whose parents told them to let Barney touch them in their special spots if he promised they could continue to be his onscreen friend at SAG-weekly rates. Kids raised in Kurdish bombed out villages have statistically better outcomes than kids who came in contact with the purple dinosaur. When Baby Bop crossed the room in her leg irons to whisper, run, Demi, run, you should’ve listened. Granted, your mom would’ve put you right back because waitressing sucks that much. Besides, look at what’s become of you. Shut up with the cutting and the drugs and the bulimia and the suicide attempts, do you think any of your kindergarten classmates grew up to get a feature spread in Allure? Go write your mom a nice card.

Photo Credit: Allure