By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 5:06 PM
I think it’s great that women feel body positive or whatever term is in vogue in 2014 for women without model frames to hang out mostly naked and drink fruity cocktails and bitch about that whore Nancy at work and feel good about themselves. Why not feel positive about your body. Fuck what other people think. Go to Europe and you’ll see countless mounds of flab and furry naked badger like creatures rolling like barrels around the beaches worshipping the sun like it can somehow heal their hibernating woodland mammal features. You’ll see them rhythmically puffing cigarettes out of one or more of their chunked up orifices, allowing their lack of humility to serve as their one way Eurail ticket to the good life. So take to the beaches in your bikinis, women of all shapes and sizes, non polygons of various vertices and bubbling anatomical insulation. You’re all welcome at my sandy shore. Except for you, Serena, you scare the fuck out of me. You’ve got to go.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Fameflynet
By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 4:21 PM
If you love seeing sliced up middle aged married crones getting loaded and screaming at each other before falling down and crying about their lives, then you probably give a shit about the Real Housewives shows on Bravo! Also, if you’re gay and you’re going to a dinner party any time soon, you should probably catch up. There’s a rumor that model and alleged former escort Joanna Krupa is being moved from the Real Housewives of Miami to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She’s even put her swank Miami condo on the block. In the world of cheesecake eating ladies whose asses carry the patterned designs of their sofas, this is basically Babe Ruth being traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees. Or sold as he was. Which is more apropos given Joanna’s past. I mean, alleged past. Not that I look down on working ladies. Though I am one of those guys who proudly says he’s never paid for sex in his life while having been bankrupted by every single girl he’s ever slept with. Which has nothing to do with Joanna’s ass which was spotted in Los Angeles just yesterday. Bravo nation, start sucking harder on those Brach’s candies, this deal might be going down.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 2:45 PM
Kylie Jenner finds it insulting that people insist she’s had plastic surgery just because she comes from a family obsessed with plastic surgery, mom, dad, sisters, I think the dog had a scrotal tuck. Also because even though she’s only how ever many fake years old, she looks pretty different than she did a year or two ago. Some website went to the trouble of documenting the change in the size of her lips, which I guess isn’t technically surgery, just collagen injections or rubbing poison ivy plucked from Khloe’s fresh dung onto your lips to make them ducky.
It really is easy to forget Kylie is just sixteen. You know, given that she’s been out of school for two years, is a TV star, has multiple merchandising lines, and tools around in her luxury SUV, Still, I can’t help recall the time Kim went on some stupid TV show to get x-rays to prove she didn’t have butt implants. No, just the tender blubber of slaughtered baby narwhals shot into her ass like so many black athletes looking to add their name to the list. A bit of the parsing of words, or as the Kardashians call them, those letters altogether thingees. I’d judge Kylie more if I wasn’t staring at her under-aged ass, which while perfectly legals, still seems pretty damn creepy. I like to think this is a safe place to share.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 1:10 PM
When you’re dating Scientology, there’s no bigger catch than Tom Cruise. Forget the mock turtlenecks, the three divorces and the curiously produced offspring, Tom is the MVP of the descendants of Xenu and his intergalactic space armada. It’s like being the groupie chosen to go backstage after a Kenny G concert. It’s a get. And Laura Prepon done got it, including an invite as Tom’s date up to John Travolta’s house for a Cleansing Means I’m No Longer Gay dinner party. It’s like a David Geffen house party, only everybody there is only desperately thinking about sodomizing the male catering staff.. At 5’10″, Laura stands two feet taller than Tom Cruise who only through movie magic is able to hide his extreme dwarfism. But Tom’s always preferred the tall women as the dramatic height difference reminds him of his ultimate destiny to sneak undetected into the Castle of Bandau and release the Sleeping Warriors to seal victory for a bunch of self-loathing wealthy homosexuals on the down low in Hollywood. Laura Prepon, your ticket just got punched to take a spin on the Tom Cruise will fuck you up merry-go-round. See you in three years when Tom is helicoptering off with your inexplicably half-black baby child.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 12:44 PM
If you’re like me, you can’t wait until E! sends Chewbaca and Kourtney to The Hamptons to open up their new store for feeble minded girls with borrowed credit cards. With each new Kardashian spinoff comes the promise that one of the illiterate munions will be killed accidentally by a stoned gaffer fucking up something electrical. Kourtney Kardashian is taking a break from her life as the supervisor to the nannies of two bastard children by suntanning in Cabo. There was a rumor she was going to marry the former semi-employed snowboard instructor she keeps letting knock her up, but apparently the couple are happy as is, just being filmed monkeys for cash. This is good news for Kim who doesn’t want her totally less ass awesome older sister stealing any attention from her own wedding number three coming up whenever all the photo and TV rights deals are finally inked. It’s impossible to describe in words how much I can’t stand the Kardashians. So I just printed out this blurry picture of Kourtney and took a dump on it. Nothing personal, Kourt. I was actually thinking about your mom.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 1:22 PM
Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that Hepburn cunt if she ever showed her face around the Dash store in Miami. When the macaw trainer who first taught Kim to verbalize informed Kim that Audrey Hepburn had been dead for over twenty years, Kim giggled and squealed ‘so sorry’ in a cliche Japanese schoolgirl voice. Then she offered to let any reporter who killed the story finish on her psoriasis blemishes. There are a million fat asses on bikes, only the true pros get paid.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com