By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 9:15 AM
I always knew it would be hard to tell when Lady Gaga’s career was taking a dive. It’s like knowing when yogurt goes bad. When I bought it new it was already rancid milk. Lady Gaga looked desperate onstage when she was on top of the world. She looks precisely the same with her Artpop album selling somewhere between The Best of the Oak Ridge Boys and a Criss Angel spoken word performance. The bruises on her elbows can’t be a good sign. Nor the dressing up like Sailor Moon and friggin’ herself. Albeit, that last one is going to keep her on the charts in Japan until 2020. She continues to speak for a young generation left behind by things such as school and jobs and rudimentary social interactions. When will Lady Gaga finally be done? It’s like yogurt. You need to get your nose in there and smell.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 8:55 AM
Lea Michele continues to honor the one year anniversary of Dead Cory Monteith by boning the living shit out of her male escort boyfriend. Nobody blames Lea for finding comfort in the bulging biceps of a hunky prostitute. Who hasn’t? You can’t dwell forever on the list of men who’ve offed themselves to rid their craniums of your shrill tones. That would be a life filled with regret. If you listened carefully to Lea’s last album, you know that mourning and riding professional turgid cock are not mutually exclusive. Don’t make me quote Cannonball. I’ll sob like a girl child.
Photo Credit: Lea Michele/Instagram
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 8:35 AM
Paulina Porizkova is some miracle of modern science. She’s the Dennis Quaid of chicks. I don’t think she’s shooting Human Growth Hormones into her eye sockets like Dennis and Sean Penn at their ghoulish cocoon swim parties. It’s just genetics. I wish I could build a time machine to go back to 1984 and masturbate over her teen photos in Sports Illustrated. When I was there I’d parlay a bet that Keith Richards would still be alive in 2014 and that the young governor of Arkansas’ dowdy wife would become the first female President. There’s no reason you can’t take a break from masturbating to plan for your future.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 6:11 AM
Who can forget where they were when they heard Aubrey O’Day had left Danity Kane? Aubrey didn’t quit so much as Sean Combs fired her for having vagina lust. Aubrey showed them all by growing her totally natural breasts two cup sizes entirely through the power of prayer. She then released a solo album that got solid airplay on Channel 7 Contemporary on United Airlines headset radio. The Danity Kane girls have reunited a few times before, but never for such a major gig as an off-strip Vegas hotel pool party. It wasn’t quite as awkward the KISS reunion at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when Peter Criss announced Gene Simmons yiddish curses had given him breast cancer. But it was super close. For ten seconds everybody stopped looking at Aubrey’s tits . Had it gone eleven seconds, the universe would’ve fractured and Ike Turner would’ve been re-born and beat the crap out of everybody. That’s why I hate reunions.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 3:22 PM
Alessandra Ambrosio was back in her native Brazil portraying a street whore sucking on a lollipop. At some point we’ll see Hillary Clinton pushing this same pose in her continuing ‘I’m just like you’ common woman image rebuild. For Alessandra, she’s playing on one of the archetypal characters in Brazilian lore. The saucy Rio street walker. She’s like our Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to free and I will steal their kidneys while they’re unconscious in the motel that Gustavo supervises. That’s a loose translation.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 1:57 PM
I am truly in love with this surfer girl. I was going to look up her surfing rankings but then I realized I’d never understand them. It’s a close call, but I dig this chick even more than that blond surfer girl who had her arm eaten by a shark then heroically went back to surfing. If the shark returns to dine on her remaining limb, she probably climbs back to the top of the list. A girl with one arm is a novelty, a girl with no arms is marriage material.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News