By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 11:25 AM
TLC pulled the Duggar family reality show 19 Kids and Counting from its lineup due to the fact that everyone just found out that eldest son Josh Duggar molested a bunch of underaged girls a decade ago. The sexual assaults, ultimately handled by the dad, his church, and their local state trooper buddy (later convicted for child porn), somehow never made the show. Nobody outside the Duggar cult even knew about the assaults until 2006 when Oprah TV show producers got an anonymous letter telling them not to let the family on her show because their eldest boy liked to touch young girl’s vaginas. Oprah turned the evidence over to the real authorities who then couldn’t do shit because the statute of limitations on child rape in Arkansas is approximately one second less than the time it takes to read the charges.
The wunderkind son flew under the pedo radar until InTouch Weekly got a copy of decade old police reports this month. Josh Duggar confessed his sins of passion and resigned from his very public position at the conservative Family Research Council. Josh’s wife insists he told her all about his diddling transgressions before they were married but she made him pinky promise not to molest their own children so it was all cool.
There’s a lesson to be learned here but it’s not about moral hypocrisy or dark family secrets or the fact that reality television people are all horrible minions of Satan here to lure dumb people into catatonia. It’s about odds. If you bear some endless run of kids because either Jesus made you or because you’re simply Mexican there’s a solid chance some number of them are going to be poorly wired fuck-ups. You have nineteen offspring and raise them in a born again Skinner box and you’re going to get a drug addict or sexual deviant or Cowboys fan somewhere in the mix. That’s just how odds work. Buy some condoms and start this whole process over. The show had a nice run and everybody did well. Except for the molested girls. You can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.
By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 10:11 AM
The French have a much different take on sexism. It doesn’t exist. Women control everything by having perfect pairs of breasts they wave in the face of their cowering male population. This is either wonderful or horrible depending on your penchant for wearing a chain and being leashed when your woman is at work fucking her Romanian boss. Once that national experiment collapses we can Monday Morning quarterback the thinking that went into building a society where no babies are born. In the interim, smuggle out the women with the swell hooters and the champagne. That’s the short list and the long list of all things French to be saved.
Photo Credit: Pamela Hanson
By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 9:55 AM
Jessica Alba might be making one point eleven billion dollars from selling diapers made by Guatemalan castratos fostered in hermetically sealed bubbles, but deep down she understands how the Good Lord truly blessed her. It’s a sin to hide your tits when the angels brought them forward in eco-friendly chariots. Slip into a Spandex one piece and coats of bronzer and let’s get down to giving back. You could swaddle babies in Chernobyl latex wraps and they’re still going to dookie. But give a man a boner and you can finally call yourself the Honest company without an asterisk.
Photo Credit: Shape
By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 8:29 AM
The good news: Redmond O’Neal no longer looks fat and bloated. Maybe it’s the fat shaming. Or the mysterious white powder in the baggy the emaciated looking son of Ryan O’Neal and Farrah Fawcett’s lady friend was snapped hoisting along with a Coffee-mate container. O’Neal is currently on probation for heroin possession and so many drug charges you’ll have to go elsewhere to read them. I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to be looking like a Malibu Killing Fields survivor and hanging around Coffee-mate. That stuff will kill you. So will being the son of a couple of free spirited celebrity parents who decided mid-30′s was a time to stop working and feast on the recreational party favors by way of passing the days. Ryan O’Neal’s selection of weekend fun stuff can actually shift the price of various crops employed in global narcotics manufacture. I hope his attorneys point out the fact that Redmond is never seen holding that suspicious package. Also, remind him to find acquaintances in the future who are familiar with zoom lens technology. Remember when we used to pretend that prison gets people clean? That was fun.
Photo Credit: Coqueran/Coleman-Rayner
By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 12:53 PM
People who were writing Terry Richardson off into perv Conventry lacked a basic understanding of how the modeling business works. It’s like complaining to Caligula about men covering their naked bodies in Easy Cheese and having the fish nibble their shlongs in the public pools. It’s only go to excite him. You he’ll have murdered. Wet blanket. Terry Richardson has been triple booked since allegations of him slapping his peen across the cheeks of numerous Slovakian models came to light. In particular A-list celebrities are lining up to enter his studio for his creepy polaroid style photos. It’s not that they don’t care about Uncle Terry pegging Eastern European waifs in his BDSM dungeon, it’s just that they don’t care as much as they want decent cover photos for major magazines. Nobody wins here except for everybody not from Budapest.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson For Interview Magazine
By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 10:57 AM
Kendall Jenner shocked the crowd at Cannes because everybody assumed she wasn’t invited. Jenner did adhere to the dress code with her heels, for which not only did she not complain, but also promised to keep on throughout the evening if her incontinent suitor threw in a Bugatti lease. Kendall rebuffed all tough questions about her unexpected appearance at a film festival by mechanically responding that her dad was becoming a woman and she supports him one thousand percent. In her mind, that is a real number. If she was mute and her left arm functioned as a universal remote, she’d be nearly perfect. I feel horrible for saying that, but relieved that we can be honest here.
Photo Credit: Getty