Victoria Silvstedt Stretches Lucratively

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

Victoria Silvstedt Does Yoga While On The Phone In Central Park
Central Park is the people’s park. Victoria Silvstedt is a people. If she wants to produce live cam shows from the lawn, unless some kid under seven sees her pink or stink, I’m good with it.┬áVictoria is actively engaged in managing her personal funds. She’s investing her money for a time when men leave $15 iTunes gift cards on her nightstand instead of black AmEx cards. Everybody wants golden years hammock money, to lie back in the sun, hear the ocean breezes, and dream about the buckets and buckets of sperm that went into building your nest egg.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Adrian Peterson Defenders Don’t Get It

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 1:37 PM

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I’m all for leaving the government out of the bedroom, the bathroom, and the shed where you whip your boy with deciduous branches. I intend to have kids one day. I’m going to bring back an 1880′s style of dramatic consequences so physical in nature, that people will hail my name is the man who returned our nation’s youth, all bloodied and beaten and perfectly well-mannered. But Adrian Peterson isn’t really a dad. He’s a football player who likes to stroke his ego by impregnating women so the world may know the power of his seed. He’s doing this shit intentionally. He didn’t even know he had one kid until that kid was beaten to death. He may have as many as seven kids around the country.

Every summer Peterson hosts a Meet Dad Camp at his estate in Texas where his multitude of bastards get a couple weeks bowing down to the peacock before receiving some Vikings swag and Greyhound ticket back to their mom. Just because you pay the court ordered child support and you like to brag about your reproductive powers doesn’t make you dad. Charles Barkley says all the black dads in the South whoop their kids like this. Great. Fucking have at it. Make the Lorax weep with all the trees you fell just to make the perfect switch. But you can’t lacerate rent-a-kid the day before he’s packed in the FexEd box and delivered back to his real home. Get some perspective. Adrian Peterson isn’t a throwback disciplinarian. He’s just a pretend dad who likes to hit kids with real sticks.

Photo credit: Splash News

Demi Lovato’s Crotch Seems Settled

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 12:34 PM

Demi Lovato In Orange Bikini In Miami
Demi Lovato is kicking off a world tour which I think means Florida plus the Twin Cities. Her publicists have her out promoting the tour by first threatening any and all publications that they are not to discuss her personal life, celebrity feuds, boyfriend troubles, cutting, drinking, drugs, bulimia, exploitative parents, leaked nude photos, the Ukraine situation, or what Barney did or did not do to her in the woodshed while drinking a bottle of Jack and crying about the extinction of his species. Allowable topics include tour dates, how singing is Demi’s art, how she spends her free time helping charities and inspiring, and if you want to get crazy, you can ask her about her new inspirational book coming out for $19.95. It’s unfortunate, because I’d really like to get to know the real Demi Lovato. Or at least see all her naked photos.

Photo Credit: INF

Serena Williams Is Raw Power

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 12:21 PM

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I’m pretty sure Serena Williams won the U.S. Open. Not watching tennis is like losing ten pounds, it makes your dick an inch bigger. Serena can military press the combined weight of the next twenty ATP ranked players, so you can just assume she took victory by merit or by stomping her potential opponents to death beneath her sized 22 Adamantium infused tarsals.

The team that builds the superstructure container around Serena that allows her to be road legal got her positioned comfortably in the prone position for a ride down to Florida for a little R&R. There were three 16’9″ overpasses along the way that had to be avoided, otherwise the journey was uneventful. Sometimes I stare at Serena’s unnaturally ginormous haunches and I curse the so-called scientists who created her from powerful muscles shorn from both the human and animal kingdoms. Could they not afford some kind of visual designer in the process? Robocop had more life like limb attachments.

Photo Credit: Splash

Nicki Minaj’s Tits Denied Access to High School

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 10:38 AM

Nicki Minaj Shows Off Underboob At Club In Paris
All Nicki Minaj ever wanted to do was give back. Inflate her tits and ass to well beyond the recommended PSI, then inspire young people to follow their dreams as well. But they just wouldn’t let her. Nicki’s former performance arts high school in New York turned down her offer to come speak to the student body in what would’ve been an intimate event with Nicki, a few camera crews, and the entire student body being hit with Anaconda plugs.

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Nicki says Shaking My Head but I think we all know that’s not completely accurate. Now the students of LaGuardia Performing Arts will go without inspiration and probably never take the stage in a hit Broadway musical or running their penitentiary’s therapeutic dramatic arts program. Not to mention the one straight guy in the school won’t get to see Nicki’s tits in person. Actions have consequences. Usually. This one actually not so much.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Fame Flynet

Kendall Jenner Getting More Naked by the Minute

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 9:57 AM

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Kendall Jenner’s new thing is being sort of naked. Just like she’s sort of able to count past ten. It’s a no brainer for the girl who’s wanted to be a pretty model her whole life, or at least since adults started sitting her down and letting her know it was modeling or Blockbuster counter candy sorting girl and nobody knew how long those Blockbusters would last. Kendall and her younger sister still make a ton of cash selling tawdry Chinese labor camp accessories and fashions and connect the dot puzzle books to their tween fans. While moms of impressionable young girls who follow the Jenners have accepted the fate of their daughters as ‘probably not engineers’, they do have their limits, like Kendall Jenner being naked. Parents in this country accept switching a kid bloody, but lady nipples are like Satan’s eyeballs. Don’t ye cast your eyes upon them.

Here’s the full set of Kendall Jenner in the Russell James photo book. I can see her nipples and I’m still here. You’re probably safe, but if you get eternal damnation, don’t come back with your shitty emails blaming me.

Photo Credit: Kendall Jenner Instagram (above) Russell James Photographer (below)