Farrah Abraham’s sex tape with James Deen is officially titled “Farrah Abraham: Backdoor Teen Mom.” I wasn’t going to watch the tape because I prefer my porn stars who handled their teen pregnancies the way their exploitative boyfriends and stepdads taught them would be best for their onscreen vaginas. However, like most chicks, I dig James Deen’s work. He’s cute and has a big shlong. If he wasn’t completely soiled in body and soul, I’d take him home to meet my parents. Plus, the title of the sex tape intrigued me. Backdoor means butt sex. I like my porn filthy, if Farrah doesn’t let James stick in in her bum I don’t want to watch. They better not just be luring us in with this “Backdoor Teen Mom” title only for Farrah to only let him sink the pink doggy style for five minutes while grunting and grimacing like a gorilla in labor. James Deen knows how to work the booty hole, and this chick reportedly got almost $1 million for the tape. If there’s no butt sex I’m suing Vivid for false advertising. And then crying.
For those interested, all of you, you can view the NSFW nude Farrah Abraham sex tape screencaps HERE. Don’t click if you don’t like former Teen Moms with big fake bare boobs please.
For Farrah’s acting talents, take a look at this cut-up slices of her onscreen genius…
Yesterday as a result of Gwyneth Paltrow going commando at the Iron Man 3 premiere, I pondered what the simultaneously stuck-up and yet self-effacing Gwyneth’s lady bits looked like. I placed my bets on a nicely waxed well kept triangle. I was wrong. Because on Ellen, The World’s Most Beautiful Woman said she “works a 70′s vibe” and was scrambling to find a razor last minute to wear the dress. And then Ellen creamed her pants suit and destroyed her host chair and cut to a commercial break so she could furiously frig herself in her dressing room. Shit gets dramatic when ladies wear no underpants.
Gwyneth Paltrow was recently crowned the World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine, to which everyone except bored rich housewives who actually shop at goop rolled their eyes and continued to the CVS counter with their condoms and Klonopin prescriptions. At least that’s what I did. That magazine title should be renamed ‘Famous Woman Who’s Decent Looking Who Will Give Us a Big Cover Interview’ considering the honor went to Beyonce last year. The communist manifestos they hand out in front of the remaining vinyl record shops have more integrity than People magazine.
In an attempt to remind the world that she’s a sexy edgy cougar and not just a dried-up crusty MILF bathed in expensive lotions, Paltrow wore a panel dress revealing her lack of underwear to the premiere of Iron Man 3 last night in Hollywood. She’s too wound up to ever show us the goods, we’ll never get a vag shot like when Lindsay and Britney go improper commando, this is about as close as it gets to seeing the World’s Most Beautiful Woman’s clam. What do you imagine it looks like? All bare? No, far too porny for a princess. My guess is a perfectly waxed triangle of hair maintained regularly with wax made from her handmade apiary filled with designer organic bees. Organic bee wax available for sale on goop for just $179.99!
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
(Photo above is from the last time Kristen got caught with Rupert as he went down on her clam in a car during a break from shooting Snow White.)
Shortly after her cuckolded corpse of a boyfriend Robert Pattinson flew out of Los Angeles on Sunday evening, Kristen Stewart was photographed getting into a black Acura, the same model Sanders owns, with a man who bears a striking resemblance to the Snow White and the Huntsman director. Hey, his wife Liberty Ross filled for divorce in January, he’s basically a free man. The only one who looks like a dumb ass this time around is Pattinson and I don’t even know if he has feelings. There’s more personality in my dildo.
Anyway, haters gonna hate on Kristen, but I’m totally on her side on this one. The sexual chemistry between an older man and a younger woman is a perfectly natural and healthy thing. Older men are better in bed because they’re not instinctively desperate to cover the planet with their seed. Plus, they have real jobs and don’t live with their parents. I’m 25 and you couldn’t pay me to jump into the sack with anyone who isn’t at least ten years my elder. As for why Rupert would want to bang a girl half his age, well, men aren’t that hard to figure out. It’s obviously true love.
Unless you’ve got the body hair of an un-lasered Bin Laden wife, men will still plow the shit out of you whether your legs are perfectly shaved or not. Chicks worry about silly things like that too much, dudes don’t care about a little stubble as long as you put out like a proper slut. For whatever reason, Alessandra Ambrosio shaved her legs outside of a coffee shop in Malibu while she waited for her fiance Jamie Mazur. Either she’s still on recreational drugs from Coachella, or prepping for a modeling shoot, or she is totally freshening up for some back seat action with her fiancee. If it’s the latter, fuck shaving your legs for sex, just give him some good road head on the drive home. He won’t care if he feels the tickle of a Magnum P.I. stache. Men are not that particular it turns out.
Photo Credit: INF
I don’t want to write this post because Jennifer Aniston WANTS me to write this post and I detest that woman more than my period getting in the way of a solid weekend of sex. Which, yes, I am currently on, so yes, I’m feeling extra cunty. Guys, just pretend all the TV networks got together and canceled all sports programming for a week. Then you can relate.
Jennifer Aniston attended Lifetime’s (the network where untalented stars go to die) Call Me Crazy premiere in Los Angeles last night. She wore her hair up in a strapless top, revealing odd “cupping” marks, the result of a form of Chinese medicine that’s meant to stimulate circulation.
Every girl knows that you look prettier with your hair down, especially if you’re a solid 6, which Aniston is even with the $8,000 she spends monthly to try and reach for an 8. Yet Aniston wore her hair up in a stupid pony tail in a stupid strapless outfit so we’d all see the marks and think ahh she must be so zen and interesting to try Chinese medicine! If that hippie shit works then where the babies at, Jen? Shit, I’m bloated.