Tomorrow night in Pennsylvania, Patricia Krentcil, AKA the Tan Mom, will be introduced to Ang Cottone, AKA MILF Mom, in a press conference for World Xtreme Entertainment’s Celebrity Boxing. The two women have agreed to “fight” each other in a three-round boxing match, and the date and location of the fight will be announced tomorrow night, although it was already reported that Tan Mom would be fighting in Atlantic City on June 14. I hate when such important surprises are spoiled like this. The fight is the brain child of Damon Feldman, who so bravely decided that he wouldn’t exploit George Zimmerman by having him fight DMX, because people were fucking pissed that he’d even think about it. Instead, Tan Mom and MILF Mom are the so-called celebrities who will earn about $5,000 each for something so few people will watch, but if Feldman should “accidentally” allow a starving lion into the ring with them, it might be worth our time and money.
As fast as people can complain about what a terrible song and video it is, Avril Lavigne’s latest, “Hello Kitty,” is being pulled from YouTube, and that’s probably a very good thing. Co-written by her husband Chad Kroeger, “Hello Kitty” is an orgy of awful sounds and incredibly stupid lyrics, ushering Canada’s leading wannabe female punk rocker into a new era of ripping Gwen Stefani off. And just like when Gwen thought it would be cool and edgy to form a posse of Japanese girls, people are already calling Avril’s video offensive and borderline racist. Honestly, though, it’s time for people to stop being offended by trivial things and just focus on the fact that this is flat out awful.
(If the video disappears, watch it on Avril’s official site. I know I just said it’s awful, but it really is worth a brief watch just to experience it. Consider it a dare.)
It has been about two months since the 2014 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was released and Chrissy Teigen, Lily Aldridge and Nina Agdal were revealed as the cover models, and the buzz has basically completely died down. That’s probably because everyone who was freaking out about it and acting like it was huge news remembered that there’s more porn than anyone can handle on the internet, so a dozen girls in their bikinis might as well be a Sears catalog. But we should still be talking about Nina Agdal a lot, because she’s a pretty wonderful young woman with a very bright future ahead of her, especially if she keeps posting photos like this one on her Instagram account. She hasn’t necessarily inspired me to get in shape, as much as she’s made me shout, “TURN AROUND!” enough times to make my upstairs neighbor call the cops.
Thanks to Oprah Winfrey taking advantage of Lindsay Lohan’s pathetic desperation for money and attention, the “docu-series” is the hot new way of referring to a washed up celebrity’s reality show without making it sound like she’d eat shit off a sidewalk for $100. Lifetime gave Tori Spelling, who admitted not too long ago that she basically pissed away all of her money, a new “docu-series” to tell her story almost as it happens, because we just can’t be left out of a life that includes things like dying her hair to maintain her youthful appeal and not fooling anyone. In this clip for True Tori, which debuts tonight, Tori’s husband, Dean McDermott, admits that he cheated on Tori because sex with her basically sucks. It’s a shame they didn’t just name this show Things We Assumed.
Everything about Taylor Swift, from all of her songs about the boyfriends who had enough of her shit to the rumor that she’ll only date a wealthy, bilingual A-list actor, makes her seem like the most high maintenance woman on the planet. That would be fine if she looked a little better than the nerdy girl next door who got into her mom’s makeup drawer while all of the other girls were making out with the cool boys at the movie theater, but otherwise she just comes off like kind of a bitch. And yet she might change some minds with this photo from her vacation, because 25-feet away and just showing her ass is one of my all-time favorite looks for a girl who seems like she’d charter a jet to the north pole just to fart.
A Pennsylvania high schooler named Patrick Farves was suspended for three days last week after he defied orders and carried out a plan to ask Miss America Nina Davuluri to his prom during her speech at the school. According to the local paper, Patrick has a reputation for such convoluted stunts and cries for attention, so the Central York High School officials found out it was coming and issued the warning to him in advance. He knew the risk but still desperately wanted to be the cool kid, and now he’s the focus of a really fucking stupid national debate about whether or not he should have been suspended.
The answer to the argument is, of course, “Who honestly cares if he had to sit in the bad kids room at school for three days all because some old people don’t have a sense of humor about his tired, unoriginal antics?” There are plenty of worse things that he could have done to become a headline, and I think that’s why Nina issued this statement in his defense.
“On Thursday, a student invited me to prom and gave me a flower while I was giving a presentation in York, Pennsylvania. I was flattered by the gesture although I am unfortunately unable to attend due to my travel schedule. I later learned of the disciplinary action taken and reached out to the school in hopes that they will reconsider their decision.”
Thanks for the input, Nina, but the fact still remains that every male high school student who thinks it’s original, cute or clever to ask a famous woman to prom should be suspended for at least a week from here on out.