latest bikini posts

Agnes Hedengard Too Fat To Model (VIDEO)
Agnes Hedengard Too Fat To Model (VIDEO)

Swedish model Agnes Hedengard took to YouTube to complain about the fact the modeling industry won’t hire her because they say her hips and ass are too big for fashion. An open letter to prospective employers about what loser assholes they are is almost certainly going to get you more bookings. On the face of […]

Phoebe Price Ruined National Topless Day
Phoebe Price Ruined National Topless Day

You can’t attend an anti-Wall Street rally in a Goldman Sachs golf knit top. Mexican illegals aren’t holding up Vote Trump signs at whistle stops. Fame whore Phoebe Price attended the National Topless Day rally in in New York while explaining with a single picture why after fifteen years of shlepping her jugs around town, […]

Bella Hadid in a Bikini in GQ
Bella Hadid in a Bikini in GQ

Any guy with half a ladies man brain knows you always hit on the younger sister. The younger sister will surpass the older sister simply because she’s sick to shit of playing second fiddle to that bitch who got all the good clothes and mom and dad attention. Bella Hadid left her undiagnosed Lyme disease […]

Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian in Bikinis
Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian in Bikinis

Kendall Jenner tried to spell out the name of a new ADHD drug in the sand to earn herself a $30K bonus but ended up drawing a picture of Khloe’s vagina with a giant three headed black baby pushing through. Her artistic skills are often overlooked in light of everything else she has to offer […]

Kylie Jenner Keeping Her Body Baby Free
Kylie Jenner Keeping Her Body Baby Free

According to people trying to sell magazines next to impulse buy Snickers, Kylie Jenner is pregnant with her older rapper boyfriend’s baby. It’s not a complete shot in the dark as he’s been fucking her brains out since before he had to leave the country to do so legally. This is where babies come from. […]

Kylie Jenner And Kourtney Kardashian Tit Showdown
Kylie Jenner And Kourtney Kardashian Tit Showdown

These Jenner girls are going to outdo their hag half-sisters by some multiples of stupid money. They’re not infected with Dead Bob genetics, instead they got the lineage of a gold medal father who makes a half-decent looking old woman. Kylie Jenner’s Val-u-pack tits are fifteen years younger, firmer, and less covered in the residual […]

Monica Sims in a Bikini
Monica Sims in a Bikini

This Playboy Playmate reminds me of every girl I never had sex with over the summer. The June solstice always kicks off with such promise. But what comes of your lofty dreams when you’re begging the deaf girl for a blowjob by the 4th of July. It’s a microcosm of life in general. You reach for […]

Kendall Jenner, Hailey Baldwin And Pia Mia Perez in Bikinis in Mexico
Kendall Jenner, Hailey Baldwin And Pia Mia Perez in Bikinis in Mexico

Mexico is sending us their rapists. We’re sending them our whores. It makes sense if you studied street economics. Kris Jenner dispatched Kendall Jenner along with Hailey Baldwin and Pia Mia Perez down to Mexico to chaperone her barely legal daughter being fucked on the cliffs of Acapulco by her rapper boyfriend and a dudes […]

Laura Cremaschi in A Bikini
Laura Cremaschi in A Bikini

When Trump says rapists and unlicensed ice cream truck vendors are pouring illegally across the border I hope he’s not lumping in the loose foreign models streaming into Miami to show off their tits and vaginas. Even the most ardent ICE enforcer has to understand the need for categories when it comes to who is […]

Anne Hathaway in A Bikini
Anne Hathaway in A Bikini

Anne Hathaway has the world’s worst bukkake porn face. We know you don’t like it, but put on a smiley face. Stop thinking about the drought. If this were real cum you’d feel less guilty. Anne Hathaway is one of the hardest celebrities to capture in any kind of revealing outfit because she hates the way […]

Joanna Krupa Baptized in a Bikini
Joanna Krupa Baptized in a Bikini

Joanna Krupa pilgrimed to the Jordan River in modern day Israel where private escorts of the bible were routinely baptized before wasting quickly thereafter from the various waterborne STDs. Krupa chose a neon bikini beneath her white shirt to ensure her spiritual cleansing would look killer hot. The Polish-American model vowed to be a better […]

Hailey Outland Bikini Stripdown
Hailey Outland Bikini Stripdown

Somebody emailed me photos of this Miami model and asked me if I liked her. I believe it was some kind of grade school gay test which has since been outlawed in the new millennium. They were rigorous back in the days before we were politically correct. One misstep and the toughest kid in fourth […]

Michelle Rodriguez in a Bikini
Michelle Rodriguez in a Bikini

Michelle Rodriguez pulled anchor on her lesbian love boat and set a course for adventure off the coast of Italy. It’s like when the Barbary pirates arrived and hung their flag in the harbor. Shore folk were equal parts frightened and excited, divided along the lines of whether you were to be run through or […]

Victoria Silvstedt in a Bikini
Victoria Silvstedt in a Bikini

If form followed function, this is how all ATM machines would be designed. Your balance would indicate your ability to access which slots. Don’t be that dick who spends ten minutes pushing lots of buttons while there’s a line behind you. I used to mock Victoria Silvstedt now I can only admire how she planned […]

Lindsay Lohan Catty
Lindsay Lohan Catty

Lindsay Lohan started Gatling Gunning out topless photos of herself so her anorexic little sister wouldn’t hog all the New York media ink for booking her first modeling gig. Congratulations. You’re 21. Given that you’ve done nothing before this other than deny yourself food and wish your parents into an alternate dimension, you’ve officially spent […]

Rihanna Shakes Her Money Maker
Rihanna Shakes Her Money Maker

Rihanna went to her native Barbados’ annual food and AIDS festival which celebrates Kadooment Day, a holiday which signifies the end of the sugar cain harvest and coincidentally everyone is coked out of their minds. She had a float and spent a lot of time twerking while dudes creepily stared at her ass but what do you expect. […]

Charlie Riina Black Thong Bikini In Malibu
Charlie Riina Black Thong Bikini In Malibu

It’s hard to gauge what parts are left real on this chick. She’s a bit like Vader. More machine than man, though more woman than man still. It’s hard to explain. I’d fuck her over Caitlin Jenner if that were my construct. At some point she’ll realize that pouring water on her tits is not […]

Heidi Klum Bikini Vacation With Young Dick
Heidi Klum Bikini Vacation With Young Dick

Things got serious between Heidi Klum and that young guy she’s been fucking for the past year when she dropped the “love’ word on social media. Heidi has been touring the Riviera with Vito the Cock to celebrate his twenty-something birthday. Heidi explained to her children that mommy needs to leave for a while because she […]

Michelle Rodriguez Just Banged a Chick and Got Away By Jet Ski
Michelle Rodriguez Just Banged a Chick and Got Away By Jet Ski

Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t have time for the idiotic am I or am I not a lesbian celebrity crap. You’re fronting on Twitter while she’s boning women two at a time. Rodriguez rents a yacht literally called the Ecstasea off the coast of St. Tropez and shuttles celebrity and non celebrity chicks out to her floating […]

Kylie Jenner Graduation Party Hosted By Ryan Seacrest
Kylie Jenner Graduation Party Hosted By Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest hosted a high school graduation party for Kylie Jenner where he pretended he liked girls and Kylie pretended Laurel Springs is a real place. Laurel Springs High School diplomas are the Hollywood equivalent of becoming a Universal Life Church minister so you can marry your buddy to his girlfriend in Laughlin before the baby shows. Only instead […]

Doutzen Kroes in A Bikini
Doutzen Kroes in A Bikini

Attractive women who don’t talk much are to be worshipped as gods on earth. They are the prize for nailing that elusive center tube in Skee-ball while buzzed on 3.2 beer at the arcade. Doutzen Kroes still refers to her DJ husband unapologetically as an artist. I bet she keeps the kids quiet while dad […]

Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini
Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini

Lindsay Lohan was sent to Greece to remind those debt skating motherfuckers what happens when you turn your back on an obligation to the EU. Everybody retiring on government pension at forty-five doesn’t sound so idyllic when HSV’s one through five are percolating in the Aegean. Start pressing the olives that much harder. Juan Pierre […]

Charlotte McKinney Has 5 Responses About Her 2 Big Guns
Charlotte McKinney Has 5 Responses About Her 2 Big Guns

In between advertorials on the hottest summer vests for men, GQ squeezed in a video interstitial asking Charlotte McKinney what she replies to guys who ask her if her giants tits are real. Not a day goes by I don’t ask some random woman that question in person. Usually after I’ve pushed my hand up their […]

Jennifer Flavin And Sistine Stallone in Bikinis
Jennifer Flavin And Sistine Stallone in Bikinis

Sylvester Stallone took his family of past and future models for another yacht ride around some part of France where they still call him Rambo with some level of feigned enthusiasm. His sixteen year old daughter is now a professional model by lack of other options that didn’t make people audibly snicker. I respect Stallone […]