latest bikini posts

Padma Lakshmi Bikini Dick
Padma Lakshmi Bikini Dick

The Top Chef hostess posted a bikini picture of herself on Instagram announcing that her friend says it looks like she has a cock in her bikini bottoms. She added the caveat that her friend is gay so he sees cock everywhere. That’s a lot of information for one bikini picture. Also, I see the […]

Lisa Opie In A White Bikini
Lisa Opie In A White Bikini

The obvious downside of being a chick who wears a bikini for her nine to five is the starvation and gym workouts you can’t fake. The upside, sleeping until 11:00 am and casually running a credit check on the guy in your bed who claims to be a successful night club owner. Will he be […]

Kendall Jenner Models Bikinis Also
Kendall Jenner Models Bikinis Also

I’d lie and say I don’t like seeing this spawn of various Satans half naked, but I kind of do. Not in the same way I sort of like to see her midget porn older sister. That’s purely physical, for a few minutes, before wrapping her in a blanket and driving her out into the […]

Amanda Nicole Thomas in A Bikini
Amanda Nicole Thomas in A Bikini

You may recognize this chick’s mons pubis from her voice work in Borderlands 2 as that other girl who says a couple things. Her turn came in the queue of attractive women marched onto the Malibu beach each morning to hold a bottled water and smile like her parents would soon be freed. If she […]

The Bachelor Almost Got Interesting
The Bachelor Almost Got Interesting

Network television is inherently uninteresting because it lacks tits and swearing and grotesque violence and the other things that form the basic hierarchy of interesting viewing. Contestant Ashley on the Bachelor touted her virgin status then took off her bikini top to prove that she can both lie and follow producer instructions. The goal of […]

Miley Cyrus Topless With Patrick Schwarzenegger
Miley Cyrus Topless With Patrick Schwarzenegger

I’m not coming to bury Miley Cyrus. I’m coming to praise her. Not her twink body and the excessive tats or how she used black magic to make Maxim designate her the best looking woman in the universe and slit their own throats in the process. Not her music or her stage show or the midgets […]

Miss Lebanon's Future Seems Bleak
Miss Lebanon’s Future Seems Bleak

When you leave Beirut on the burro for the Miss Universe pageant, you’re given two instructions. Smile like you’re from a better country and don’t get fucking near Miss Israel or Hezbollah will decapitate your family and shit down their neck stumps. For two weeks of whatever the hell they do at Miss Universe, Miss Lebanon […]

Emily Ratajkowski Understands Instagram
Emily Ratajkowski Understands Instagram

This actress turned nude model turned actress with suddenly much better roles knows exactly how to play the game. Play the topless dancer in the song Robin Thicke borrowed from Marvin Gaye. Take a bath on Instagram. Be the Fappening chick who frigs herself so furiously that nearby tinder ignites. Let your vagina dance like […]

Charlotte McKinney in A Bikini for Carl's Jr.
Charlotte McKinney in A Bikini for Carl’s Jr.

Carl’s Jr. wants you to think of big ole titty sex when you think of their restaurants. It produces a desire to consume their burgers greater than the previous association with arteriosclerosis and irradiated giant sized ants. The same way Camel stopped with their Chemo Ain’t So Bad Compared to Quitting campaign back in the […]

Kim Kardashian in a Fur Bikini
Kim Kardashian in a Fur Bikini

When not saving the afflicted with just the tip of his one in the stink finger, Kanye West is designing bikinis. He asphyxiated four adult male foxes with the heel of his boot to create this merkin inspired bikini for his wife and then snapped away and shared with the world. Kanye first fell in […]

Raffaella Modugno in A Swimsuit
Raffaella Modugno in A Swimsuit

Foreign models are always taking calls. It has to be important. Secret ops going down in Yemen. Laughing at the fact that their community college art classes are now free. Maybe just good news from the doctor that neither Canseco brother has made them pregnant. Now that God made the sun too dangerous for tanning, there’s […]

Kelly Bensimon Tits and Bikini Made In Different Factories
Kelly Bensimon Tits and Bikini Made In Different Factories

When these Bravo Housewives get out in the sun, you see the power of elective surgery and anorexia working hand in hand to turn back the clock. The Indian casinos keep hiring these stitched up hens to promote their hotels so there must be something there beyond my powers of perception. Maybe protruding rib bones […]

Amber Rose Thong Stamp
Amber Rose Thong Stamp

Amber Rose knows the best revenge is showing her cheating ex what he’s missing. An attention starved shaved head fat injected Jeff Koons statue. Mmm, baby, please come back. All these revealing self-promotional photos are certain to help in her custody battle with a pot smoking rapper with multiple drug arrests. I hate to be […]

Amber Rose And Blac Chyna Show On the Job
Amber Rose And Blac Chyna Show On the Job

If chicks like Amber Rose and Blac Chyna didn’t exist, we’d have to invent them. Every pack has the gnu in the rear who’s about to be lion lunch. Nobody cares how well you did in high school, gnu, you’re done. If these ladies weren’t getting banged and knocked up by rappers, maybe your sisters […]

Candice Swanepoel Tits Cause Near Beach Panic
Candice Swanepoel Tits Cause Near Beach Panic

I once saw a man get arrested for baring his junk while changing on the beach. It might be the ten minutes it took him to remove his wet bathing suit and get on some pants and the relatively short distance between his erect cock and some nearby frightened grade school aged girls. Or just […]

Behati Prinsloo Remains Pretty Hot
Behati Prinsloo Remains Pretty Hot

In between wishing Adam Levine to drown in the tiniest of urine puddles, there’s some begrudging respect for being in a band and using it to bone tons of hot women. That’s execution to a solid plan. I flipped the TV on in the middle of the night recently and saw that same fortunate fuck […]

Hailey Clauson in A Bikini
Hailey Clauson in A Bikini

Everything about this chick strikes me as authentic. I bet she made these bikinis. Or at least reviewed certificates ensuring prevailing child labor laws were enforced. Look at that damn pout. She very well might have an epic pH imbalance in her cooch. She’s not blogging about it. I respect the hell out of that silence. […]

Victoria Silvstedt In A Bikini
Victoria Silvstedt In A Bikini

Corpses don’t last long in Caribbean waters with their warm currents and viscera-dissolving ecosystem. Even the bones become microbe encrusted bedding for coral and anemone in short order. But then Victoria Silvstedt knows this better than anyone. That look on her face and the presence of celebratory secretion in her crotch region indicates that some […]

Jodie Marsh in A Bikini
Jodie Marsh in A Bikini

It’s not the outcome that disappoints me. It’s the effort. You can do better than this. When you’re trying that tightly strapped up garment on at the store or in front of your benefactor in the Alexandrian themed library, you need to see the need for relaxed fit. Don’t distend those mammaries over the inked images […]

Irina Shayk Hand Prints On Her Ass Prints
Irina Shayk Hand Prints On Her Ass Prints

Hot girls inherently know how to take awesome Instagram photos. That and never having to shit are their two real superpowers along with that good looks stuff. Russian models in particular seemed to be trained in the art of seduction for the camera from a very young age. It might be something imbued from the […]

Laura Cremaschi in a One Piece Thong
Laura Cremaschi in a One Piece Thong

Skinny party girls from Italy just seems like something I should be into more. I don’t do well with the nuances of relationships with women who believe in love. It’s far too ethereal. Girls who work Italian rich guys’ private functions seem like they’d never say confusing things like needing to feel important, longing to […]

Kylie Jenner Won't Be Put in the Corner
Kylie Jenner Won’t Be Put in the Corner

According to anonymous sources for Life and Style magazine, which equates to the legitimacy of Bubbles in The Wire, Kylie Jenner is pissed her mom is pushing her toward plastic surgery so she can be pretty like her older sisters. It’s probably bullshit, but within the realm of nasty exploitative shrew like behavior that does […]

Caitlin O'Connor Wears A Red Bikini Because That's Her Job
Caitlin O’Connor Wears A Red Bikini Because That’s Her Job

Driving models out into the winter cold to show off in bikinis isn’t so bad. Inventing a fake bottled water company to get chicks begging you to get half naked on the beach isn’t so bad either. The combo does seem pretty tawdry however, especially when you’re trying to turn a buck in the same […]

Ana Braga in a Red Thong
Ana Braga in a Red Thong

You’ve made the treacherous crossing from Brazil, you’re in the thong on the beach where there are a million photographers, there’s no way you’re not bending your ass lens-ward and securing yourself and your five younger brothers a brighter future. John Henry knew what to do with his hammer. You keep on driving, darling. That […]