latest bikini posts

Rihanna Drinks Until She Breaks Out
Rihanna Drinks Until She Breaks Out

Rihanna works hard and plays harder. That’s so fucking Bajan. But even she knows you can’t get loaded every single day of the year. When her zits start bursting and dousing the kids in the front row, she goes full temperance. When I feel like my skin has had it, I cut all the alcohol […]

Liv Tyler's Ass Is Back
Liv Tyler’s Ass Is Back

It’s been a whole two days since I’ve had Liv Tyler’s wet derriere boarding a sea-faring vessel like a pear shaped pirate. That’s forty-eight hours too long. Unlike the celebrities with their asses injected full of pigeon fat and finely ground gravel, Liv Tyler got her wide ass the old-fashioned way. Eating and making babies. […]

Lara Bingle In A Silver Bikini
Lara Bingle In A Silver Bikini

This Australian model is dating the dude who defended the blue people in Avatar. Once you’ve saved the tree huggers from big oil, you can have your pick of models around the world. I rescued the Na’vi, while in a fucking wheelchair, how about you come back to my room and gobble my knob? Everybody […]

Coco Austin In A Thong Bikini
Coco Austin In A Thong Bikini

I blame hip hop culture. For everything. Before rap, gasoline was ten cents a gallon, the merriment of children filled the streets, and big fat asses were simply known as big fat asses. Grotesquely enlarged butts just peaked in Barbados where Coco’s ass cheeks lifted her out of the water like pontoons harpooned into the […]

Arianny Celeste And Brittney Palmer In Bikinis
Arianny Celeste And Brittney Palmer In Bikinis

It must be nice to make the cut above Hooters waitress. Your soul smells less like fried chicken. I’d scalpel, insert, freeze, super-size, inject, and satanically murder whatever it took to reach the rung where you got bathrobes and director’s chairs on breaks instead of a guy named Carlos trying to massage your sideboob. I […]

Liv Tyler In A Bikini
Liv Tyler In A Bikini

Liv Tyler had a nice run. If I had found out my dad was really Steven Tyler, I would’ve packed on fifty, pierced my nose, and started volunteering the swing shift at a Planned Parenthood. With every abortion I’d wonder why that couldn’t have been me. Perhaps I’m more sensitive than Liv Tyler who just […]

Alessandra Ambrosio In A White Bikini
Alessandra Ambrosio In A White Bikini

For good looking Brazilian women, the work really never stops. Pilates and yoga. That’s daily. Feel like a burger? Fuck you, nibble on ┬ápea shoot through Christmas. Too tired to go to the beach again today? Suck it up. Strap on that crotch padded fish tail and get your hair blowing in the onshore breeze. […]

Irina Shayk Poses In Bikinis
Irina Shayk Poses In Bikinis

I wish all Russians were more like Irina Shayk. I’d love to be able to say, Putin, yeah, he’s a dangerous tyrant, but man what I wouldn’t give to blast his perfect titties. He doesn’t seem to dangerous then. It’s probably not so awesome to live in a place that’s freezing fucking cold most of […]

Adrianne Curry In A Bikini for Some Coin
Adrianne Curry In A Bikini for Some Coin

Adrianne Curry took her turn on the elevated balcony of the Encore Beach Club in Las Vegas using her fake titties to stiffen up all the young men wading in the pool beneath. Not since Jupiter made Vesuvius explode to cover up the unparalleled homoerotic behavior of Pompeiians has such a mass of male dicks […]

Nina Agdal In A Bikini
Nina Agdal In A Bikini

If there’s one thing you need add to your bucket list, it’s getting an uncomfortable boner while checking out a promo girl behind a far away VIP rope line at a Las Vegas pool club. That’s really the best. Or the worst strip club proposition ever. Still, you get Vegas at 115-degrees. It’s a dry […]

Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini
Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini

I like this working mom. She seems to be trying super hard to do something of some sort. It doesn’t really matter what it is. America tends to reward achievers. I’ve always admired those who try their hardest. Like a coach who lies to his team after a big loss about how winning isn’t everything. […]

Kim Kardashian Takes An Ass Selfie
Kim Kardashian Takes An Ass Selfie

Technically, since her staff of eleven was involved in the shot, it’s less of a selfie and more of a heavily staged ass sculpture. But if this is any indication of the quality of the photos in Kim Kardashian’s selfies coffee table book, expect men masturbating in the reading areas of the Barnes and Noble […]

Lauren Silverman In A Bikini
Lauren Silverman In A Bikini

You’ve got to be pretty stoked when your boring husband befriends a wealthy celebrity who shows a strong interest in plowing you. In a Lifetime movie, this would end up in some kind of deadly love triangle. In real life, Simon Cowell bangs a baby in you and you tell your husband you’re leaving for […]

Cara Delevingne Is The Lestat of Lesbians
Cara Delevingne Is The Lestat of Lesbians

I don’t want to get too many rainbow painted eggs thrown at my house-car this weekend, but I’m pretty convinced that hot models can swing both ways as a matter of current fashion, while gay men are just born loving belts and cock. This leaves a lot of room for Michelle Rodriguez and her chief […]

Tara Reid Is Not Dead
Tara Reid Is Not Dead

Every few months Tara Reid makes a Sharknado movie or posts an ungainly photo of herself to Twitter so that her parents don’t have to speed dial the coroner to go take a peek in her apartment. It’s really more of a social service than a means to garner attention. Tara’s proof of life photos […]

Laura Cremaschi Bikini Changes At The Beach
Laura Cremaschi Bikini Changes At The Beach

Immigration doesn’t seem like such a head scratching social issue when viewed through the lens of Laura Cremaschi’s mons pubis. Cremaschi is a political asylum candidate in the U.S. ever since she got caught hostessing the Italian Prime Minister’s teen bacchanalias. If you consider that for every one of these Cremaschis, we get thirty thousand […]

Natalie Burn In A Bikini
Natalie Burn In A Bikini

This is that Russian chick from the latest Expendables movie. She seems incredibly confident in her Tampax Pearl. She’s got those unnaturally bright teeth reminiscent of the glow in the dark Dracula teeth. Women with stark white teeth are the equivalent of men who drive Ford Econoline vans. They’re hiding something. It could be a […]

Sveva Alviti Topless at the Beach in Miami
Sveva Alviti Topless at the Beach in Miami

Women who go topless at the beach seem incredibly more friendly and trustworthy. It’s like offering the palms up gesture when encountering a Masai warrior. I have nothing to hide. Let us share a mug of blood together. This Italian actress gives me a strong sense of security. Unlike everybody else on Miami Beach who […]

Lourdes Leon Smokes A Little Weed
Lourdes Leon Smokes A Little Weed

You know, it’s entirely possible that’s just a teeny tiny French hand-rolled cigarette. I’m only saying that so Madonna and her team of mystical Kabbalah barristers won’t lay Deuteronomy claims against me in a court of law. I’m not sure you’re allowed to smoke weed in France when you’re seventeen, though you are legally allowed […]

Bradley Cooper's Girlfriend Secured Aboard the Lesbian Flagship
Bradley Cooper’s Girlfriend Secured Aboard the Lesbian Flagship

Cara Delevingne invited Bradley Cooper’s middle school aged girlfriend, Suki Waterhouse, to spend a couple days on her yacht off the coast of Spain. You might recall this sea-faring vessel as the place where Selena Gomez was indoctrinated to the magic of another woman lapping at her vagina like a hungry kitty to a saucer […]

Jennifer Nicole Lee Provides a Public Service
Jennifer Nicole Lee Provides a Public Service

Just imagine your mom making ends meet by losing her bikinis around town and baring her muscular tits and ass cheeks for chump change. I know, it would be awesome. Don’t get caught up in the Madonna Whore thing. A working mom is really the best you can hope for. When people around town rib […]

Lisa Opie And Ana Braga in Bikinis
Lisa Opie And Ana Braga in Bikinis

I admire the way women so seamlessly interact within each other’s personal space. If any of my buddies asked me to pull their swim trunks out of their ass, I’d punch them hard in the neck and tell them we can’t play D&D anymore. That’s not homophobic, that’s qualitative. If Lena Dunham showed me where […]

Alessandra Ambrosio In A Bikini
Alessandra Ambrosio In A Bikini

Hot moms in inflatable children’s inner tubes are kind of my thing. It’s like they know something. From behind their orange Jell-O like rings of aloofness, they have extra sensory insight into the human condition and sexual psyche of the male of the species. She could also just be trying to hide her pee. Which […]

Genevieve Morton Poses In Bikinis
Genevieve Morton Poses In Bikinis

I don’t know why women require eighty-two dozen bikini options each summer. You could probably do with three. The Model, the Average Girl, and the You Probably Shouldn’t Be in a Bikini. Men only need five minutes to purchase a bathing suit. That includes check out and parking. The exception is in Europe where men […]