latest bikini posts

Adam Levine's Wife Is Still Alive
Adam Levine’s Wife Is Still Alive

Ten days seems like a long time to be married to Adam Levine. You’ve got to be cursing the damn environmentally sound sun oven in your designer kitchen which will only bake your head slowly on cloudless days. Women don’t like messy exits. Poison, suffocation, watching The View until your medulla oblongata melts. Now that […]

Michelle Rodriguez In A Bikini
Michelle Rodriguez In A Bikini

Michelle Rodriguez had her stank gun spread and ready as Justin Bieber raced toward her yacht on his midget retreat dinghy, still freshly tattered from his bar room kerfuffle. Michelle Rodriguez’s bisexual vagina watercraft is where Hollywood now heads when it’s confused or wounded or just wants somebody Spanish to shove a dildo up their […]

Alessandra Ambrosio Understands the Internet
Alessandra Ambrosio Understands the Internet

I get offer letters every day from people selling consulting services on how to better understand the Internet. Obviously, you need paid counseling to comprehend the complex equation that tits and sports and gambling account for 98% of all male Internet online activity. So entirely different than offline, plus or minus half a percent. Alessandra […]

Sylvie Van der Vaart Bikinis Again
Sylvie Van der Vaart Bikinis Again

I’m still trying to process the fact that men leave women like this because they want to make more babies. It’s a foreign thing. Here in the U.S. men leave women like this for the more appropriate reasons of wanting to get laid elsewhere without hassle by other equally hot women. Or because they have […]

Anais Zanotti In A Pink Bikini
Anais Zanotti In A Pink Bikini

I’m going to go ahead and say pink is this French girl’s color. I once had my color profile done at a mall. The girl shuddered as she told me I was black as death. Then she hurried away in tears screaming about Carcosa. That was awkward. If I could only find a partner like […]

Toni Garrn Topless on a Boat
Toni Garrn Topless on a Boat

Leonardo DiCaprio is not a man with a ton of time to waste. If you discount clubbing, karate kicking, and deep musing, he’s a very busy guy who medically requires sex five times a day with somebody with a modeling card in Frankfurt and Milan. Clothes take time to remove. Fancy model clothes take even […]

Sylvie van der Vaart in A Bikini
Sylvie van der Vaart in A Bikini

Syvlie van der Vaart seems like one of those women men create in comic books. She’s not even van der Vaart anymore. That was the name of her pro soccer husband Rafael van der Vaart who dumped her last year after her chemotherapy left her unable to produce more children. She seemed pretty understanding: I […]

Pamela Anderson's Ass Crack Means Her Marriage Is Not Yet Over
Pamela Anderson’s Ass Crack Means Her Marriage Is Not Yet Over

It’s the ass shadow version of Punxsutawney Phil. When Pam Anderson and her new Jane Fonda hair flash crack, it means she’s giving her unemployed husband six more weeks to bang her before she finalizes the divorce proceedings. It’s a test. A solid boffing can buy Rick Salomon some more time to live off of […]

Natasha Henstridge Bikini Pictures Look Different
Natasha Henstridge Bikini Pictures Look Different

I don’t remember Natasha lugging those enormous cans around in Species. That might’ve been a different movie. Oh, no, here comes the alien. Wait, she’s still coming. Now she’s breathing heavy. I think her tits hurt. I guess the lesson here is that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And if your lemons are […]

Jennifer Nicole Lee Can and Might Hurt You
Jennifer Nicole Lee Can and Might Hurt You

I get nervous when I know a woman can kick my ass. It upsets the natural balance of power. Men are supposed to be the physically dominant brutes easily manipulated by women until such time as prostate malignancy comes and frees them of their life of subjugation. Then their women trash their high school trophies […]

Leonardo DiCaprio Saved The World, Fuck Yeah!
Leonardo DiCaprio Saved The World, Fuck Yeah!

Leonardo DiCaprio kicked off his Leo Rescues Mother Nature Foundation in St. Tropez by amassing a large collection of hot models and Hollywood douchebags and raising a cool $25 million to save cheetahs and poison oak. Leo riled up the $50K a plate crowd with fierce rhetoric and the intelligence of three men: There has […]

Michelle Lewin In A Thong Bikini
Michelle Lewin In A Thong Bikini

Michelle Lewin keeps her taint positioned eternally toward Orion’s Belt, with Orion being the Latino pimp who smuggled her out of Venezuela and taught her how to spit polish her bare ass for the gringos. Everything Michelle does, from checking her text messages to giggling at Sabado Gigante like no American could, she does with […]

Ludivine Sagna In A Striped Bikini
Ludivine Sagna In A Striped Bikini

That body says hot European soccer wife. That smile says socialized medicine dentistry. It’s the teeth we’d all have if Sting and Danny Glover ruled the world in side by side Iron Thrones. That could happen. I’m buying a gun. Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Cameron Diaz Bikini Mismatch, That's Crazy
Cameron Diaz Bikini Mismatch, That’s Crazy

Cameron Diaz has to suffer through lots of shit she wouldn’t have to if she was a man. People give her grief about not wanting kids. They criticize her body for being paunchy yet masculine. They question her choice of dating the less talented Madden brother who looks like the Sunday morning bouncer at a […]

Selena Gomez And Cara Delevingne Wet Lesbianism Day Two
Selena Gomez And Cara Delevingne Wet Lesbianism Day Two

I remember what I got for my 22nd birthday. An eviction notice. Selena Gomez got herself some new tits, a lesbian mentor, and a ride on a billionaire’s yacht. Given the option, I would have taken the lesbian tits on a boat thing too. As somebody who’s documented lots of girls having sex together via […]

Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini
Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini

This mommy fitness instructor takes lots of showers. I don’t care if she’s at the beach, by the pool, or wandering in the Gobi, she finds a way to go classic Cinemax on the public showers. If they had glass walls, she’d press her tits up against them while Jan-Michael Vincent was pretend shagging her […]

Selena Gomez Is a Lesbian Now
Selena Gomez Is a Lesbian Now

Lesbians are the new revenge fuck. It used to be when a girl wanted to drive home a point with her cheating ex, she’d fuck some handsome tool or maybe even her ex’s buddy if she had a bit of sinister in her. Now it’s lesbian thunkenmunchers. It’s the indisputable implication that you’re getting what […]

Nina Agdal In A Bikini
Nina Agdal In A Bikini

I wonder what goes through your mind when you realize Adam Levine dumped you to marry a different cute foreign model. Probably something akin to being stuck in the TSA line and missing an airplane that ends up crashing. That’s God giving you a shot across the bow. For Nina Agdal, she’s taking her second […]

Arianny Celeste in A Bikini
Arianny Celeste in A Bikini

Miami used to be the place you’d go to browse markets for the freshest cocaine. Then maybe in the evening be sucker punched by one of the Canseco brothers. Now you can also see girls like Arianny Celeste in their bikinis taking a break from their jobs of being in bikinis. I’ve liked Arianny Celeste […]

Bella Hadid Arrested For DUI
Bella Hadid Arrested For DUI

Being seventeen and blowing a .14 at 4:00am is not a good set of numbers. Naturally, this teen model kid of the Real Housewives chick couldn’t have been driving in the first place since her license was previously suspended. A suspended license renders all your combustion engine options toit, like an electro-magnetic pulse blast. Just […]

Lea Michele Posts Bikini Photos from Her Happy Hooker Vacation
Lea Michele Posts Bikini Photos from Her Happy Hooker Vacation

Lea Michele continues to honor the one year anniversary of Dead Cory Monteith by boning the living shit out of her male escort boyfriend. Nobody blames Lea for finding comfort in the bulging biceps of a hunky prostitute. Who hasn’t? You can’t dwell forever on the list of men who’ve offed themselves to rid their […]

Paulina Porizkova In A Bikini
Paulina Porizkova In A Bikini

Paulina Porizkova is some miracle of modern science. She’s the Dennis Quaid of chicks. I don’t think she’s shooting Human Growth Hormones into her eye sockets like Dennis and Sean Penn at their ghoulish cocoon swim parties. It’s just genetics. I wish I could build a time machine to go back to 1984 and masturbate […]

Alessandra Ambrosio Sucks On A Lollipop
Alessandra Ambrosio Sucks On A Lollipop

Alessandra Ambrosio was back in her native Brazil portraying a street whore sucking on a lollipop. At some point we’ll see Hillary Clinton pushing this same pose in her continuing ‘I’m just like you’ common woman image rebuild. For Alessandra, she’s playing on one of the archetypal characters in Brazilian lore. The saucy Rio street […]

Anastasia Ashley In A Thong Bikini
Anastasia Ashley In A Thong Bikini

I am truly in love with this surfer girl. I was going to look up her surfing rankings but then I realized I’d never understand them. It’s a close call, but I dig this chick even more than that blond surfer girl who had her arm eaten by a shark then heroically went back to […]