latest bikini posts

Sally Fitzgibbons Surfs Professionally
Sally Fitzgibbons Surfs Professionally

Who doesn’t like surfer girls. They’re hot tom boys with Australian accents who will never make you hold their purse at the mall. They don’t even have a purse. They have knapsack and it’s filled with industrial lube they need to use you sexually to get loose before a competition. If she let’s me use […]

Abby Cubey In a Black Bikini
Abby Cubey In a Black Bikini

Fuck the 138 Water blood sucking sinister interplanetary invading bitches. This is too much. A Filipina girl with big tits. That’s got to be the Secret Weapon X they’ve been holding out on. This isn’t even supposed to exist. It doesn’t exist. Not on this planet. All I ask is that this big breasted anomaly […]

Colleen Shannon in a Bikini
Colleen Shannon in a Bikini

It only makes sense that the nefarious bastards from 138 Water have switched to ex-cons to lull everybody and their reflexive dicks into a sense of calm before the invading storm. Playmate Colleen Shannon billed herself as the world’s hottest DJ before she got busted smuggling her smuggling boyfriend across the Canadian border and got […]

Nina Dobrev In A Bikini
Nina Dobrev In A Bikini

89% of television is now softcore gay vampire fare. I think this is what Jerry Falwell was forecasting would happen back in the 1970′s if Hollywood heathens were allowed to start making television shows without his supervision. In defense of the immortal content crap are Anna Paquin’s bisexual tits and Nina Dobrev in a bikini. […]

Cynthia Escobar In a Thong
Cynthia Escobar In a Thong

When I was ten I walked into a psychic shop and for my lunch money a woman with a mole told me I would someday marry a Spanish model with big fake tits and the ability to deal a hand of stud by shooting cards dexterously out of her vagina. I don’t know why she […]

Joanna Krupa Models Bikinis
Joanna Krupa Models Bikinis

Hell yes. Ripping through bikini pictures of mere amateurs and you come across Joanna Krupa and her professional lioness looks. You don’t get smoky eyes without earning those bones. These are the photos I almost click on when I learn that live local hot girls in my zip code are down to fuck. Whenever I […]

The French Tori Spelling Had a Rough Evening
The French Tori Spelling Had a Rough Evening

With the exception of Stephen King fare, nobody needs to see a creepy doll face collecting lachrymal dew on her fake eyelashes. This Angelique Morgan chick needs to be quarantined back to Europe and but quick. Don’t even take the time to pack her well-worn scarves and cartons of unfiltered Camels. She goes by Frenchy […]

Abigail Ratchford in A Bikini for Ebola Water
Abigail Ratchford in A Bikini for Ebola Water

It turns out the Ebola River wasn’t even the closest tributary to where the deadly virus was first documented in the then Zaire. Somebody read the map wrong and unfairly and forever tarnished what I’m sure is an otherwise perfectly nice feces and carcass filled waterway in the Northern Congo. That’s how easy it is […]

Coco Looks Perfect
Coco Looks Perfect

I can see the advantages of living with an airbrushed Coco. Perfectly large curves with no creases or cracks filled with undocumented aliens seeking out a better life north of the border. A face where you can’t detect the deep impressions left by years and years of semen carving canyons like the Colorado River through […]

Nick Jonas' Miss America Girlfriend Means He Can't Be Gay
Nick Jonas’ Miss America Girlfriend Means He Can’t Be Gay

Men who love cock like ISIS loves beheadings are accusing the prettiest Jonas brother of gay baiting by ripping off his shirt and flashing his six pack at gay bars, singing in Broadway musicals, all the while secretly loving the pussy of his Miss America girlfriend. It’s called a Jackman in street parlance. Nick Jonas […]

The Girls Of Fifth Harmony in Bikinis
The Girls Of Fifth Harmony in Bikinis

Fifth Harmony is the latest Simon Cowell invented girl group. They already have a label deal, a merch deal, X-Factor exposure, an MTV VMA shout out and an obligatory black and Hispanic member from central casting. I’m not sure they have any songs, but that will come at some point. It has to be exciting […]

Solveig Mork And Xenia Deli Topless In a River
Solveig Mork And Xenia Deli Topless In a River

One chick’s from Denmark. The other Moldova. We Are The World. Don’t you fucking see that ISIS. You’ve lost. We have over a hundred countries from which barely legal girls will take off their tops for the the god of fame and fortune. You can’t fight that kind of primordial power with rusty machetes and […]

Melissa Rummells in a Bikini
Melissa Rummells in a Bikini

The straw-in-human-cranium blood sucking planet invaders from the 138 Water syndicate are running out of girls to coax out onto the beach to pretend their bottled water gives you nice tits. It’s like hitting the theoretical end of the search results on YouPorn. Fuck, I just shuddered. It’s not pleasant to think about, but at […]

Kylie Jenner Is Sending Signals
Kylie Jenner Is Sending Signals

I haven’t watched a lot of After School Specials, but I’m pretty sure when you’re going through a divorce and your teen daughter is posting racy bikini photos online and dating 25-year old rappers with babies it’s a sign she needs a hug. Also condoms. Lots of condoms. Kylie Jenner had to feel somewhat wanted […]

Megan Fox Is Limited
Megan Fox Is Limited

Brian Austin Green became the last long term unemployed dad in America to join social media and start posting photos of his children on Instagram. Nobody would give a shit if Green hadn’t drawn the long straw and got to fuck babies into Megan Fox. About five years ago Fox turned her life over to […]

Michelle Lewin in A Bikini
Michelle Lewin in A Bikini

These international models slash fitness instructors slash dating nightclub owners with unnervingly bushy eyebrows girls are like walking works of art. Just look at this chick. What can’t plastic surgery, lax customs laws, and six hours a day in the gym buy you to decorate your beach? If you can program her not to scream […]

Lisa Opie in a Bikini
Lisa Opie in a Bikini

If you can’t pull off a decent upward bow, you can’t be my girlfriend. Fuck if I grimace when I try to touch my toes. If I can’t rest my chalupa party pack on your midsection for at least the first half of a Sunday NFC East showdown, I’m not going to meet your parents […]

Beyonce Vacation Photos Heavy on the Beyonce
Beyonce Vacation Photos Heavy on the Beyonce

You’ve just got to see my vacation photos. There’s me in my bikini. Me in my bikini on the beach. Me in my fabulous beachwear. Me kicking sand. There’s me being playful in my beachwear but in the cabana so no sand. Take a seat. I’ve got five more albums. Who wants a vegan lemon […]

Maitland Ward Is Red Sonja of Long Beach
Maitland Ward Is Red Sonja of Long Beach

Somebody leaked the enormous gate receipts at San Diego Comic-Con a few years back and about five minutes later every city with a convention center that could hold 1,001 nerds opened their own Comic-Con. Why the fuck not. Adult male fanboys spend cash like girls at the mall with their parents CCV codes. You put […]

Adriana Lima Seems Helpful
Adriana Lima Seems Helpful

Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t be happier f I were having copious sex with a Brazilian supermodel girlfriend. It’s easy to think so. When my landlord told me I was late with rent again, I’d quit stressing and just start humping my Brazilian supermodel girlfriend. When the entire office noted I was losing to […]

Casey Batchelor in a Bikini
Casey Batchelor in a Bikini

Who knew what kind of world could open up to you just by taking down your tits a few letter grades. This British reality star, an occupation that we used to just politely call party girl, has seen her life change for the better since she surgically reduced her fake cans. Not so small that […]

Daphne Joy Seems At Peace
Daphne Joy Seems At Peace

There were two seminal moments in any woman’s life. First, when her big fake tits come out looking pretty nice. You go in with so much hope, but there’s always that Tori Spelling nightmare picture freaking out the back of your mind. The second is when 50 Cent acknowledges that he’s your baby daddy. Not […]

Dakota Johnson in a Bikini
Dakota Johnson in a Bikini

The entire reason for attractive people to get married is to make good looking daughters. All those fights and cheating and acrimonious divorces and hate-filled boozed up evenings are the small sacrifice for making hot girls with minimal wisdom points. Every reasonably equipped male knows those girls are the prize of the herd. Wow, your […]

Miranda Lambert In A Bikini
Miranda Lambert In A Bikini

Fuck, there go the Miranda Lambert fatty jokes she claims she never reads in the tabloids though responds with exclamation points to every single one of them on social media. She was particularly pissed when people claimed the jiggly pounds she dropped recently was due to some doctor tying rubber bands around her digestive tract. […]