Angelina Jolie Child Thirst Originated in Cambodia

Angelina Jolie is in Cambodia filming yet another morose and unpopular film about human tragedy for Netflix. Search under Sad and Suicidal and Asian Genocide next date night on the couch. Famously now the mother of anywhere from nine to fourteen children from all the important continents, Jolie describes the moment she landed in Cambodia to film Tomb Raider and suddenly felt a need to adopt her first baby: It's...

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Angelina Jolie Digging Menopause

Amongthe benefits of descending into your basement laboratory and jigsawing out your lady parts is early onset menopause. Fuck those big pharma commercials where women are scratching their menopausalhuman shellsinto bloody shreds. Jolie finds it calming. Like a serial killer after taking a victim. Jolie claims menopause makes her feel all grown up. Jolie maintainsthat contrary to theopinion of every personever,...

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Angelina Jolie Even More Depressing Movies

Every time Angelina Jolie lops off another reproductive organ she celebrates by writing directing and producing a grossly disheartening foreign film. Is she legally not allowed to make depressing art house movies in the U.S.? I couldn't read all the Sony emails. Jolie's captured the horrors of the Bosnian war and that crappy Japanese tranny run prison torture camp. Found footage of her and Brad Pitt being emotionally...

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By The Sea Looks Scintillating (VIDEO)

Writer director Angelina Jolie is surpassed in horror only by oncologist clairvoyantAngelina Jolie. I might have that reversed. I could finally finish my Psych 101 paper requirements watching Angelina pre-cog her breasts and uterus out of her body. I see no redeeming value in a movie starring Jolieand her go-along to get-along husband about an artistic American couple living in the South of France struggling with...read more

Angelina Jolie Updates the U.N.

Angelina Jolie will take a break from freaking out her kids with her preventative organ removals for matters of international importance. Like when the United Nations Security Council calls her in to solve the Syrian refugee problem. Having a high school dropout with severe emotional problems as your chief figurer outer on Syrian refugees doesn't mean you're not a competent organization, it probably just suggests you...

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Angelina Jolie Cuts Out More Shit

Angelina Jolie lopped off both her breasts a couple years ago in order to avoid future cancer predicted as more likely than not by her genetic drill down. Jolieand her vivisected tits were carried on high by throngs of cheering women who don't get similar thrills from sports.Last week Angelina Jolie decided to have her tubes and ovaries raked out as well, just in case. The DGA has pretty good insurance bennies plus...

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Hot Single Girls Seeking Men And Shit Around The Web

Sometimes I wonder about important shit. Like if seeing hot selfies of single girls helps or hinders the dating process. Just kidding. I don't think about that shit. I just look at their tits and ass and hope they put out after appsat TGIFridays like the rest of you. Single Chivettes with hot selfies looking for love. (TheChive) Mexican model Alejandra Guilmant shows off her naked tamales for you. (Egotastic) Miley...

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Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston Co-Exist

A you stole my man with your slutty vagina accusation lingers on through eternity. At the time, it seemed easy to peg. Jennifer Aniston was vanilla ice cream and Angelina Jolie was hot pussy juice flavored ice cream and stole Brad Pitt because he has a dick and that's how dicks works. Jennifer Aniston has spent the past decade pretending like that's not what happened and she's crazy fuckable. Angelina Jolie has spent...

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Angelina Jolie Anorexic For The People

Japanese actor Miyavi was grasping at straws to explain how amazing Angelina Jolie is and came up with she didn't eat very much while directing Unbroken out of solidarity for the actors who were playing emaciated prisoners. Or she's just really emaciated playing just herself. She probably hasn't eaten a proper sandwichsince Girl Interrupted and may have thrown it up. Apparently this qualifies as heroism: "She came to...

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Brad and Angelina Support the Shit Out of Their Tranny Third Grader

Celebrity reporters are fingering themselves with approvalover Brad and Angelina encouraging their grade school daughter Shiloh to live life as a boy named John. According to every gender identity expert found at any British college you've never heard of, indulging your children's tranny experimentation is the key to a healthy child. Yes, it used to be vitamins and exercise, now it's this. Shiloh's transformation has...

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Angelina Jolie Is a Hack And Shit Around The Web

One of the things revealed in the big Sony email hack was veteran producer Scott Rudin calling Angelina Jolie "a minimally talented, spoiled brat." as he bitched about her plans to star in a $180 million Cleopatra film certain to be a miserable fail. She is a pretty shitty actress. I mean, when you can't pull off Laura Croft you've got problems. Read all about Scott's distaste for Angie. (TMZ) Dioni Tabbers has some...

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Angelina Jolie Deemed Pretentious

Angelina Jolie directed a biopicabout an athlete turned WWII prisoner of war that will make your girlfriend cry. She turned in her final cut to Universal, who decided it was painfully slow and and pretentious,An insider who has seen the entire Rocky franchise summed it up as follows: "Universal re-edited her movie, because it was too arthouse.. They took control and edited it into a more commercial movie." Its tough...

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Angelina Jolie's Construction Seems Intact

Angelina Jolie is in Australia promoting her Oscar bait film Unbroken. Hollywood loves an epic bio pic. Before Angelina Jolie cured her future cancer by lopping off her breasts, maybe she was considered a bit edgy and blemished for the Academy. But it's amazing what a strong stance against disease can do for you reputation. If the American Taliban requested the removal of his left nut and donned a pink ribbon, he'd...

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Angelina Jolie Touched by the Queen

Angelina Jolie is doing alright since she hacked off her breasts to ward off potential future cancer and unwanted gropes at the Rammstein concerts She was named U.N. Special Envoy in charge of both refugees and rapes, though not the actual raping of refugees which I believe went to Cher. Jolie's long time male companion Brad Pitt finally made her an honest woman with a wedding ceremony. And now she's been awarded a...

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Angelina Jolie Wears Her Kids Proudly

A woman who decapitates her boobs because of possible future cancer isn't the kind of woman that waits around for shit. After just twelve years of making, extricating, and PayPal-ing for babies with Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie decided to get hitched. They were running that line for a while about how they couldn't get married until all the gay people in the world had the same right. Also, until Taco Bell started serving...

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