Baby Announcements Getting More Interesting

Candice Swanepoel is having a baby by some dude she met in Paris when underaged. Or overaged for modeling. You wouldn't know except for her posting pictures of her distended belly in topless photos on Instagram. She'll likely be pregnancy shamed. Once the initial wave of masturbators have finished their ceremonial spunking.

read more
Candice Swanepoel Is With Child

Candice Swanepoel is pregnant. Just look at that fat ass. She got knocked up by the Brazilian model dude who started banging her when she got to Paris to start modeling at seventeen. Swanepoel was smart enough to earn herself a sweet nest egg before making a baby with a male model. They age like golden retrievers. Your children will be gorgeous. They will haven nothing but fond memories of their father. Bisexual isn't...

read more
Stella Maxwell Thong Cheeks

CBS ran a Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Special for their audience demo that hasn't purchased a bikini since they tried to get the one just like Ursula Andress wore in Dr. No. The Swimsuit Special is a companion piece to the Lingerie Special each December where the models come out covered in massive feathery costumes because that's how bedroom lingerie looks on network television. Backstage Bieber fingers all the models...

read more
Candice Swanepoel And Behati Prinsloo Bikini On The Beach And Shit Around The Web

Some might say that wearing lingerie at the beach doesn't make any sense. Those people can bite me. If Candice Swanepoel and Behati Prinsloo want to frolic in the panties at the beach that's their right as Americans...or wherever the hell they are from. I celebrate their right to lingerie. (Last Men On Earth) Courtnie Quinlan shows off her big titties on Page 3. (Egotastic All-Stars) Mama June is in the hospital for...

read more
Candice Swanepoel Ass Smells Like Money

When celebrity models get down to the business of explaining their signature perfume lines, it's like witnessing a third grader in the 1950's Soviet Union blankly recitingthe glory of the State. Candice Swanepoel's new fragrance for Juicy Couture is based in peony, rose, and amber, with a note of jasmine. This barely edged out lilac, meconium, and a spicy giardiniera blend. For Candice, the memories run deep: There...

read more
Candice Swanepoel in A Bikini

There remains one untouchable group of infidels. Supermodels. I don't care how crazy you are with the jihad, you know better than to go after the world's great looking women. You start going Allahu Akbar on the finest of the breed and you will be eviscerated the next day with more boots on the ground than boys without beards in your rape tent. Every nation has a different agenda when it comes to geopolitics. Everybody...

read more
Lingerie Clad Angels For Victoria's Secret 2015 Fashion Show

There's got to be that one moment of self-consciousness when standing in your underwear on national television and thinking, I could've been a nanny to a well off family in Paraguay or maybe an assistant media professor at Mizzou. Maybe when you're so stupid hot you just think, damn, I look amazing and everybody wants to fuck me, and that envelops you like a warm blanket. This has to be depressing for women who can't...

read more
Candice Swanepoel Thong Thing

I'll watch a kid with sausage fingers dominate on some nonsensical war game app just because he's superior to a million other future fatty livers comprising the field. There's just something special about watching a craftsman at the top of their game. This chick is the best lingerie model in the world. That body combined with that look like she just popped out of an alien pod and started asking if any earthlings can...

read more
Joan Smalls And Candice Swanepoel Topless For Lui Magazine

Chicks will do anything for French photographers. It's just a fact. Have you read Camus? You really must. Now if you please raise your derriere and slam three fingers in your dirt hole while I snap. Oui? Photo Credit: Lui Magazineread more

Candice Swanepoel In Lingerie

There's something comforting about Victoria's Secret models in their underwear. The world is spinning out of control. We battle over the use of words rather than the worthof ideas. That androgynous seven year old next door has more rights than you even though you'll someday be paying for its food and awkward Fedoras. Shit is circling the drain while leaders wear rainbow shawls and dance on the graves of twenty million...

read more
Candice Swanepoel in Lingerie

I like when people are good at shit then shut the fuck up. LeBron is amazing at the round ball but can't keep his trap shut. Top earning actresses have to bleed stigmata over the plight of women in film. Rolling Stone has to invent high profile rape stories to get attention for their nineteenth Green Day retrospective. This South African chick models lingerie, she does it spectacularly well, and she doesn't speak....

read more
Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer

Most photographers aren't making Uncle Terry money. They just want to express themselves through their art and have a decent wank. I can respect that. Candice, today you're going to be a ballet dancer in a thong. Why? Because it represents how models are trapped in a doll house of patronage and objectification. Now stop talking when I adjust my lenses here behind this modesty curtain. Toss me your ballet slippers for...

read more
Candice Swanepoel Makes Peens Happy And Shit Around The Web

Candice Swanepoel was created in heaven as a test of wills between your nutsack and your cranium. If you think you're getting into her panties, your nutsack is currently winning. Prepare to arm your chubbie, it's Swanepoel in skimpy lingerie. (Egotastic) Why don't you give that underwear a little tug? (The Chive) How good does Laura Cremaschi's ass look in a bikini? Pretty fucking good. (TMZ) Gloria Steinem wears a...

read more
Candice Swanepoel Jeans of Disrepair

You used to have to wear holes in your own jeans. What a pain. For $200 you can have the toothless avós in the City of God rend your garments prior to shipping. It might offend every single mom ever who ever prayed to the Almighty to stretch one more month out of their kids' jeans, but fuck them. They didn't look like Candice Swanepoel. Neither do the women who buy these. Chic denim buyers will never know the...

read more
Candice Swanepoel Seems Rainforest Friendly

It's always dangerous when they send super hot chicks into exotic rainforest locales for swimsuit shoots. You never know when you might encounter an indigenous tribe lost in time and propel them into a life of whiskey and cigarettes. Wiping your ass with elder leaves seems less cool once you've seen a white princess with a shaved mons looking disgusted. That's the entire reason a man ever vacuums. Now imagine you have...

read more