Charlize Theron and Emily Blunt Have Perfect Tits They No Longer Show (Pimping Mr. Skin)

Every actress quits doing topless scenes when it feels right to them. About a million bucks into their cumulative career earnings feels about right. They're willing to consider topless if the part calls for it. That's another two million. It's Hollywood way of ensuring you only see tits onscreenthat are under thirty. Forty year old tits aren't bad, but they're not thirty year old tits by about ten years. In this...read more

Charlize Theron Knows Just What To Say

Charlize Theron took advantage of her position as an MTV Movie Award winner and being twenty-five years older than the MTV demo to declare her Max Max staged win a victory for Furiosa's everywhere. She dedicated her golden popcorn award to the younger of her of her two adopted black celebrity babies, who she declared a warrior, though not warrior enough to prevent Cruella from snatching up all the Dalmatian babies to...

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Charlize Theron Suffers For Her Looks

Any woman can complain about how much it sucks to be ugly. It takes a special gal to complain about how hard it is to be tall, blonde and super bang-able. Charlize Theron has done just that. Theron lamentsthat pretty girls don't get good movie roles. That's so Hollywood. "How many roles are out there for a gorgeous, fucking, gown-wearing eight-foot model? When meaty roles come through, I've been in the room and pretty...

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Charlize Theron Ends Engagement to Sean Penn

A month ago they were making out on a balcony and Sean Penn was planning on adopting Charlize Theron's Hollywood black baby. He even voluntarily handed over his arsenal of personal firearms when Charlize explained to him she's not been comfortable with them in the house since mom blew drunk dad's head off. Now, it's over. It's always sad when injectable anti-aging hormones and blind rage come between an otherwise...read more

Charlize Theron Reliving History

Reporters feel obliged to ask actors about how they personally relate to the character in their current movie and actors feel obliged to make up some bullshit answer. Everybody has to pretend that making movies is not simply pretend. That would make both sides seem slightly less important. For her new movie about a girl traumatized from witnessing her family being slaughtered, Charlize Theron had a pretty good kicker....read more

Charlize Theron Tries to Forget The Gunman

I don't want to show pictures of Sean Penn because his resting bitchy face gives me asthma. Here's Charlize Theron. She's the last great trick of this overbearing Svengali. Sean Penn's movie The Gunman just tanked out of the gates because he polished the Taken clone script with too many topless old man roid body scenes and personal political statements. There's no single worse combo than vanity and self-righteousness....

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Sean Penn and Charlize Theron Make It Official

If Charlize Theron's engagement can teach us anything, it's that family isn't bound by rigidconstruct. Sometimes it's a roided out short guy, you, and the cute baby you bought at the Gaborone Duty Free because they were out of Beefeaters. Family is where the love is. Untildad's HGH goes into a mud pie and he packsthat cute toddler into a Boxes Etc 24x24, labels it Ebola Land and tosses it out of his moving Ranchero in...read more

Charlize Theron Allows Herself an Orange

Having to model and be Sean Penn's woman is rather restrictive. That means you can't eat and you can only speak when Sean hands you the Navajo talking stick. Half the time he just does it to deke you and crack you across the skull. It's no wonder Charlize indulged herself with a full orange slice on the set of her Esquire photo shoot. And a decent conversation with that nameless less attractive lady who follows four...

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Charlize Theron Stands Up for More Cash

We know the horrendous gender gap in pay with women making two cents on every man dollar. The guy working the counter at Wendy's makes $8.50 an hour while his female counterpart earns eleven cents and gets spanked bare bottomed in the manager's office for sampling off the Frosty's machine. This abhorrent structure circles all the way to the top where Obama makes $400,000 a year and Michelle gets paid zero. Though if...

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Charlize Theron Black Balled Tia Mowry

SoulCycle is the sacred temple of Ra for the spiritually retarded celebrity community. It's where the tomes of wisdom reside in the sweaty Lululemon crotches of the men and women who stationary cycle heavenward. The first rule of SoulCycle is you don't fart in the Spin Room. The second rule is you don't talk about SoulCylce. Especially shit about the famous people in your SoulCycle class. Tia Mowry went and told some...

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Charlize Theron Understands What Rape Is (VIDEO)

Charlize Theron is about to become a widespread target for outrage and hate after she compared what us nosey shitheads on the Internet do to rape. A reporter for Sky News asked her what it's like to know that if you Google her name, the results are stories about her and Sean Penn or what she wore to an event instead of the movies that she's in or charity work that she's performing. She responded that her "saving...

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Charlize Theron Is In Lingerie

Charlize Theron seems to cover a different magazine every single month. I used to think it was part of her general publicity and promotional efforts. Now I realize it's a signal to her friends and family that she's Sean Penn's girlfriend and she's still breathing. She could send out nightly Tweets -- Sean enraged, doors seem strong #blessyouredwoodframes -- but Charlize has always shied away from social media. Why not...

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Mom, Sean and I Are in Love

When I close my eyes and imagine hell, I picture Lucifer cackling while Sean Penn insists on taking me as his date to a Chelsea Handler live performance. But for Charlize Theron, the world's best looking woman with low self esteem, she got all dolled up and even brought along her mom. What better way to introduce your family to the belligerent, violent, self-righteous drunk you've proudly selected from the over 500...

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Sean Penn Is Building a Nest For Charlize Theron

Satellite imagery diverted from the South Indian Ocean revealed work being done at Sean Penn's angry Malibu home. Yes, even his home is angry. A safety fence was being installed around his pool and a trampoline was being constructed, signaling to everybody Sean would soon be booting Charlize's African toddler outdoors so he could properly violate the boy's mother. Nobody's exactly clear why Charlize handles...

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Charlize Theron Models Bikinis in Miami

Charlize Theron still looks pretty good. Sean Penn must be better at tempering his rage when he learns nobody is watching Ronan Farrow on MSNBC or Guantanamo inmates are not being permitted to watch Buzkashi matches in high definition. It's possible he's designed soft-toed cushioned boots that allow him to stomp on his girlfriends' thoraxes with most of the bruising occurring internally. He is a clever little fellow....

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