Dylan Penn Caught Changing Her Top in Brazil

In the long lore of Penn family antics, changing your bikini top on a balcony in Rio isn't quite up there with using your erect penis to save a child beneath a collapsed building in Haiti, but it's certainly more adorable. Also it happened. Genetic destinies are a bear. You won the lottery with Sean Penn and Robin Wright. Or lost if your goal was to be sane and modestly pleased with life. Have a code word for everyone...

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GQ Gets Girls With Racks That Care

GQ is your gay friend who throws parties with tons of hot girls. I know you don't have a gay friend who throws parties with tons of hot girls. Pretend. Large groups of attractive women feel cool and safe and half naked at his place because he's consumed with the appropriate Windsor knot and if his signature punch has the right parts Prosecco. Also, he vouches for you and says you like to dance. There has to be a safe...

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Dylan Penn Has Arrived

I inherently want any child of Sean Penn to be successful. I feel the same way about abused and neglected dogs. I want them to be adopted into nice homes, or at least to be distracted by pictures of juicy bones to distract while being gassed. Being born Sean Penn's daughter has to be seen as an unlucky twist of Fate. Even the random Asian babies shipped to obsessively neat gay couples in Hollywood feel bad for you....

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Playboy Has Lost Its Mojo

Playboy offered Sean Penn's hot daughter $150K to do a couple nudies in their magazine. Dylan Penn said no. It's not because Hugh rose out of his hermetically sealed sarcophagus two years ago and handed a bloated Lindsay Lohan $1 million to be digitally cleaned up in his magazine, it's because she was just, meh. which magazine is Playboy again? Dylan Penn's publicists will try to convince you she's on the verge of...

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Dylan Penn Blessed to Look Like Mom

At one point, Robin Wright Penn was so good looking, she started cursing at Hollywood for only giving her roles for hot ladies. So she tried to ugly herself up and wear lots of bad makeup and disfiguring details so she could play more serious roles. This kind of smarmy devotion to her craft made her the perfect temporary wife for Sean Penn before he beat her or just wouldn't shut the fuck up about Myanmar politics or...

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