Jessica Simpson in A Bikini

Jessica Simpson only seems dumb. Those giant tits in that bikini that doesn't come close to fitting just sold her twenty million in signature bangle earrings. She wore the cutoff jeans so media outlets around the world wouldn't even have to fumble for the Daisy Duke... read more

Jessica Simpson Pimping Daughter

There'snothing but the headline 'adorable' on major media outlets regarding Jessica Simpson posting her pre-K daughter with seductive prose. It's always adorable when mothers sexualize their children. Oh, old man, no? Depending on which music historian or urban... read more

Jessica Simpson in A Bikini

Jessica Simpson caravanned her entire freeloading family down to that resort in Cabo that puts up celebrities for free provided they pay no attention to the teeny tiny Mexican photographers lining the palm trees. Somebody's got to sell crappy shmata at Walmart to pay for... read more

Jessica Simpson Is Fashion Signature

Jessica Simpson launched yet another apparel line because stay at home dads and high end vodka don't pay for themselves. She studied with the physiologists in Tibet to perfect a way to contort her legs so her legs looks less thick. It was time. The line is described as... read more

Jessica Simpson See Through

Jessica Simpson is married, she's not dead. Also, buzzed not drunk. And puffy not heavy. She's still got those magnificent tits that along with her ability to lip-synch and be from Texas made her famous fifteen years ago. Origin stories of most billionaires go deeper... read more

Jessica Simpson One Regret

Jessica Simpson's one regret isn't her gay pastor dad in black leather pants or having to lug her sister into an undeserved singing career or even the fact that consuming a single Cheetoh causes her expand to 10x girth. It's her first husband Nick Lachey, who she quickly... read more

Jessica Simpson Still Alive

Jessica Simpson is only 35 years old despite having recorded that one song she's known for which you can't think of during the formative years of the disco era. Simpson recently lost seventy pounds dropping her weight classification down to Clydesdale. She also had her... read more

Jessica Simpson Fully Loaded

Every now and then that little ounce of humanity in me finds pity for even the indulged celebrities. Like Jessica Simpson getting loaded on three glasses of champagne and starvation diets and having to face a thousand high powered camera lights coming out of a club late... read more

Jessica Simpson's Husband Squeezes

This is the new world. The women make the bread and the hunk husbands play the role of doting spouse. Before you enter this type of arrangement, ask yourself this, as much as I love fine dining and jet ski vacations and having half the young female population of... read more

Jessica Simpson Fresh Pimping

Here's a plan for women who complain about being fat when getting older and having babies and aggressively overeating. Be like Jessica Simpson. Have Weight Watchers threaten to pull their multi-million dollar marketing deal. Rent a gym wall to wall, cover the windows... read more

Jessica Simpson Does 50 Shades

Jessica Simpson homaging Fifty Shades of Grey is a reminder that nobody edits a chick worth $150 million. Not her unemployed husband, not her gay dad, not her sister who is either a double amputee or a twice shotgun married bride, I can't recall. Simpson might benefit... read more

Jessica Simpson Transitioning

Jessica Simpsonlooks hot without makeup. Not in that Hottest Chick In The World sense from a few years back. More like I could totally see myself banging this softball mom if I helped clean up after the barbecue. This is totally fine. You can gaze up at that bottle of... read more